LIBRARY 

UNIVERSITY  OP 
CALIFORNIA 
SAN  DIEGO 


THE  UNIVERSITY  LIBRARY 

UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA,  SAN  DIEGO 

LA  JOLLA,  CALIFORNIA 

fz 


XA 


I  he  Au 


Town  and  Gown. 


The  Adventures 
of 

Mr.  Verdant  Green 

AN   OXFORD    FRESHMAN 
CUTHBERT   BEDE,   B.A.  ^ 

WITH   ILLUSTRATIONS  BY   THE  AUTHOR 


BOSTON 

LITTLE,  BROWN,  &  COMPANY 

1900 


Copyright,  1893, 
BY  LITTLE,  BROWN,  AND  COMPANY 


UNIVERSITY  PRESS: 
JOHN  WILSON  AND  SON,  CAMBRIDGE. 


CONTENTS. 


PART    I. 


CHAPTER    I. 

PAGE 

MR.  VERDANT  GREEN'S  RELATIVES  AND  ANTECEDENTS    .      i 

CHAFER   II. 
MR.  VERDANT  GREEN  is  TO  BE  AN  OXFORD-MAN     ...    13 

CHAPTER   III. 

MR.  VERDANT  GREEN  LEAVES  THE  HOME  OF  HIS  ANCES- 
TORS        ......    24 

CHAPTER   IV. 

MR.  VERDANT    GREEN    BECOMES    AN    OXFORD    UNDER- 
GRADUATE    42 

CHAPTER  V. 

MR.  VERDANT  GREEN  MATRICULATES  AND  MAKES  A  SEN- 
SATION      54 


vi  CONTENTS. 

CHAPTER  VI. 

PACK 

MR.  VERDANT  GREEN  DINES,  BREAKFASTS,  AND  GOES  TO 

CHAPEL 7° 

CHAPTER  VII. 
MR.  VERDANT  GREEN  CALLS  ON  A  GENTLEMAN  WHO  "  is 

LICENSED  TO   SELL" 85 

CHAPTER  VIII. 

MR.  VERDANT  GREEN'S  MORNING  REFLECTIONS  ARE  NOT 

SO  PLEASANT  AS  HIS  EVENING  DIVERSIONS    .    .    .    IO2 

CHAPTER   IX. 

MR.  VERDANT  GREEN  ATTENDS  LECTURES,  AND,  IN  DESPITE 

OF  SERMONS,  HAS  DEALINGS  WITH  FILTHY  LUCRE     120 

CHAPTER   X. 
MR.  VERDANT  GREEN  REFORMS  HIS  TAILORS'  BILLS  AND 

RUNS   UP   OTHERS.      HE   ALSO   APPEARS    IN   A  RAPID 

ACT  OF  HORSEMANSHIP,  AND  FINDS  Isis  COOL  IN 
SUMMER 134 

CHAPTER   XI. 
MR.  VERDANT  GREEN'S  SPORTS  AND  PASTIMES  ....    152 

CHAPTER  XII. 

MR.  VERDANT  GREEN  TERMINATES  HIS  EXISTENCE  AS  AN 

OXFORD  FRESHMAN 169 


CONTENTS.  vii 


PART    II. 


CHAPTER   I. 

PACK 

MR.  VERDANT  GREEN  RECOMMENCES  HIS  EXISTENCE  AS  AN 

OXFORD  UNDERGRADUATE 183 


CHAPTER   II. 
MR.  VERDANT  GREEN  DOES  AS  HE  HAS  BEEN  DONE  BY  .    189 

CHAPTER   III. 

MR.  VERDANT  GREEN  ENDEAVOURS  TO  KEEP  HIS  SPIRITS 

UP  BY  POURING  SPIRITS  DOWN 2O2 

CHAPTER   IV. 

MR.  VERDANT  GREEN  DISCOVERS  THE  DIFFERENCE  BE- 
TWEEN TOWN  AND  GOWN 220 

CHAPTER  V. 

MR.  VERDANT  GREEN  is    FAVOURED  WITH  MR.  BOUN- 
CER'S OPINIONS   REGARDING  AN  UNDERGRADUATE'S 

EPISTOLARY  COMMUNICATIONS  TO  HIS  MATERNAL 
RELATIVE 238 

CHAPTER  VI. 

MR.  VERDANT  GREEN  FEATHERS  HIS  OARS  WITH  SKILL 

AND  DEXTERITY 255 


viii  CONTENTS. 

CHAPTER   VII. 

PARTAKES  OF  A  D< 
SPREAD-EAGLE 269 


PAGE 

MR.  VERDANT  GREEN  PARTAKES  OF  A  DOVE-TART  AND  A 


CHAPTER   VIII. 

MR.  VERDANT  GREEN  SPENDS  A  MERRY  CHRISTMAS  AND 

A  HAPPY  NEW  YEAR          .  282 


CHAPTER   IX. 

MR.  VERDANT  GREEN  MAKES  HIS  FIRST  APPEARANCE  ON 

ANY  BOARDS 292 

CHAPTER   X. 
MR.  VERDANT  GREEN  ENJOYS  A  REAL  CIGAR     ....    309 

CHAPTER   XI. 
MR.  VERDANT  GREEN  GETS  THROUGH  HIS  SMALLS  .    .    .    322 

CHAPTER  XII. 

MR.  VERDANT  GREEN  AND  HIS  FRIENDS  ENJOY  THE  COM- 
MEMORATION   335 


CONTENTS.  ix 


PART     III. 


CHAPTER   I. 

PACK 

MR.  VERDANT  GREEN  TRAVELS  NORTH 341 


CHAPTER   II. 
MR.  VERDANT  GREEN  DELIVERS  Miss  PATTY  HONEYWOOD 

FROM   THE    HORNS   OF    A    DILEMMA 349 

CHAPTER   III. 

MR.  VERDANT  GREEN  STUDIES  Y«  MANNERS  AND  CUSTOMS 

OF  Y«  NATYVES 367 

CHAPTER   IV. 

MR.  VERDANT  GREEN  ENDEAVOURS  TO  SAY  SNIP  TO  SOME 

ONE'S  SNAP 376 

CHAPTER  V. 

MR.  VERDANT   GREEN    MEETS    WITH    THE   GREEN-EYED 

MONSTER 389 

CHAPTER  VI. 

MR.  VERDANT  GREEN  JOINS  A  NORTHUMBERLAND  Pic- 

Nic 401 


CONTENTS. 


CHAPTER    VII. 

PACK 

MR.  VERDANT  GREEN  HAS  AN  INKLING  OF  THE  FUTURE    412 


CHAPTER   VIII. 
MR.  VERDANT  GREEN  CROSSES  THE  RUBICON 423 

CHAPTER   IX. 
MR.  VERDANT  GREEN  ASKS  PAPA 438 

CHAPTER  X. 

MR.  VERDANT  GREEN  is  MADE  A  MASON    ,. 452 

CHAPTER  XL 

MR.  VERDANT  GREEN  BREAKFASTS  WITH  MR.  BOUNCER, 

AND  ENTERS  FOR  A  GRIND     .    .    ; 466 

CHAPTER   XII. 
MR.  VERDANT  GREEN  TAKES  HIS  DEGREE  ......    476 

CHAPTER   THE   LAST. 
MR.  VERDANT  GREEN  is  MARRIED  AND  DONE  FOR  .    .    .    488 


ILLUSTRATIONS    IN   THE   TEXT, 

BY  THE  AUTHOR. 

MM 

Mr.  Verdant  Green,  an  Oxford  Freshman i 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  and  his  Family 14 

Packing  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  Goods 24 

The  Coachman,  a  Man  of  Some  Weight,  was  found  to  be  of  Great 

Use 27 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  was  enabled  to  say  "  Good-by,"  with  a  Firm 

Voice  and  Undimmed  .Spectacles 29 

They  went  down  the  Hill  at  a  Quick  Trot 35 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  prevented  his  Canvas-covered  Boxes  from  being 

carried  off 38 

A  Snug  Dinner  and  a  Bottle  of  the  Famous  Oxford  Port  ....  40 

Mr.  Verdant  Green's  most  Remarkable  Dreams 41 

Mr.  Robert  Filcher,  Scout 42 

Verdant  and  his  Father  call  upon  the  Master  of  Brazenface  ...  44 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  meets  his  Scout 46 

Up  they  went,  following  the  Scout 48 

"  If  you  likes  to  keep  your  Wine  and  Sperrits  here,  it  opens  with  a 

Lid,  'andy  for  the  Purpose  " 53 

Our  Freshman  sets  out  for  a  Stroll 54 

Mr.  Green  gets  an  Impression  of  Oxford 55 

The  High  Street  of  Oxford 56 

His  Father  smiled  approvingly,  and  the  Robe-Maker  smirked 

judiciously 60 

He  ran  over  the  Bill  with  a  Look  in  which  Surprise  contended  with 

Indignation 65 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  resigned  himself  to  his  Thoughts 67 

The  Broad  Walk 68 

The  Appearance  of  a  Spectacled  Gownsman,  with  a  Cane,  produced 

the  Greatest  Alarm  among  the  Juveniles 69 

He  sank  into  a  Sound  Rest 70 


xii  ILLUSTRATIONS   IN   THE   TEXT. 

PAGE 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  dines  in  the  Hall 71 

Verdant  found  his  Bed-Room  inconveniently  small 78 

Two  Men  pricked  a  Mark  against  his  Name  on  the  Chapel  List  .     .  79 
Verdant  was  considerably  impressed  with  the  Solemn  Beauties  of 

his  own  College  Chapel 80 

Mr.  Filcher's  Perquisites 82 

Verdant  calls  on  his  Friend,  Mr.  Charles  Larkyns 84 

An  Individual  with  a  Voluminous  Gown  and  Enormous  Cocked 

Hat 85 

Mr.  Larkyns  and  his  Friend  Mr.  Smalls  at  Breakfast 88 

Mr.  Smalls  astonishes  Mr.  Verdant  Green 91 

"  That 's  the  Vice-Chancellor  " 93 

Mr.  Larkyns  continues  to  enlighten  Verdant  Green 94 

"  Here  we  are  at  Merton  " 95 

Mr.  Larkyns  explains  the  Use  of  Gold-Tassels 96 

The  Brazen-nose 9s 

Mr.  Smalls'  Guests  as  pictured  by  Mr.  Verdant  Green 101 

Verdant  writes  an  Apology  to  Mr.  Slowcoach 102 

Verdant  found  himself,  to  his  Great  Amazement,  with  a  Real  Cigar 

in  his  Mouth 103 

Verdant  rose  (with  Great  Difficulty)  to  return  Thanks 109 

Two  Gentlemen  bearing    across  the  Moonlit  Quad  the   Huddled 

Form  of  a  Third  Gentleman in 

She   discovered   him   lying  on   the   Carpet   embracing   the   Coal- 

Skuttle "2 

Our  Freshman  espied  a  Short  and  very  Stout  Gentleman  riding  a 

Pad-Nag 118 

Verdant  tests  his  Dog's  Rat-killing  Powers 120 

At  one  of  Mr.  Slowcoach's  Lectures 122 

Mr.  Harmony's  Book  had  nearly  reached  the  Level  of  his  Nose  .     .  124 

At  St.  Mary's 125 

Verdant  Green  purchases  a  Dog 130 

Our  Hero  was  delighted  with  the  General  Effect  of  the  Costume     .  134 
The  Sight  of  an  Arch    Face  immediately  plunged   him  into  the 

Depths  of  First  Love 137 

They  stopped  at  the  Corner  of  Oriel  Street  to  look  in  at  a  Spacious 

Range  of  Shop  Windows 138 

Accidents  will  occur  with  the  Best-regulated  Riders 143 

At  the  Bump-Supper 145 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  passed  the  University  Barge  in  Great  Style  .     .  148 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  caught  another  Tremendous  Crab 149 

At  length  peacefully  settled  down  into  the  Lounging  Blissfulness  of 

a  Cherwell  Water-Lily 150 


ILLUSTRATIONS  IN   THE  TEXT.  xiii 

FACE 

"Away  with  Melancholy" 152 

Verdant  practises  Archery 153 

The  Honourable  Mr.  Stormer's  FaTourite  Skye  Terrier      ....  154 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  got  himself  up  for  Cricket 155 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  was  quite  new  to  Round  Bowling 156 

Mr.  Stumps,  the  Wicket-Keeper,  kindly  informed  him  "  there  was  a 

Row  in  the  Timber  Yard." 157 

Verdant  plays  Billiards  with  Mr.  Fluke 158 

At  the  Wine  Parties 159 

Face  to  Face  with  the  Proctor 160 

The  Quiet  Retirement  of  College  Rooms 161 

Fencing  at  Mr.  Four-in-hand  Fosbrooke's  Rooms 162 

Verdant  puts  on  the  Gloves  with  Mr.  Blades 163 

Some  Eight  or  Ten  Miserable  Beings  were  there  undergoing  Exami- 
nation    166 

The  Insane  Promenade  of  the  Proctor  .    .    * 167 

The  Vice-Chancellor 167 

Mr.  Sloe,  the  Reading  Man 168 

"  Oxford  College  had  made  quite  a  Man  of  Master  Verdant  "...  169 

A  Great  Curiosity,  —  the  Autograph  of  an  Oxford  Tradesman     .    .  170 

Our  Hero  finds  he  is  not  used  to  the  Back  Seat  of  a  Dog-Cart    .     .  171 

Basking  in  the  Sunshiny  Smiles  of  Two  Neat  Little  Glovers   .    .     .  175 

He  fell  on  his  Knees  imploring  that  he  might  not  be  expelled     .    .  177 

On  the  Warwickshire  Coach 179 

Restored  to  the  Bosom  of  his  Family 180 

Mr.  Verdant  Green's  Farewell  Bow  as  an  Oxford  Freshman   ...  182 

Verdant  Green  again  at  Oxford 183 

Four-in-hand  Fosbrooke  and  Verdant  Green  in  the  Roles  of  Oxford 

Examiners 193 

"  I  think  some  of  the  Gents  have  been  makin'  a  Little  Game  of 

you,  Sir" 199 

The  Putney  Pet 202 

Even  the  Inexperience  of  Mr.  Verdant  Green  did  not  require  to  be 

informed  that  the  Putney  Pet  was  a  Prize  Fighter     ....  209 

A  Town  and  Gown  Row 220 

The  Fight  had  become  general 224 

The  Bargee  fell  back  with  a  Howl 226 

He  was  saved  from  Further  Indignity  by  a  Small  Knot  of  Gowns- 
men who  rushed  to  his  Rescue 229 

The  Fight  became  desperate 232 

The  Pet  very  politely  handed  one  of  his  Professional  Cards  to  the 

Rev.  Thomas  Tozer 234 

Mr.  Bouncer  refreshing  himself  with  a  Weed 238 


XIV  ILLUSTRATIONS   IN   THE   TEXT. 

PAGE 

"Is  it  a  Love-Letter  ?"  asked  Charles  Larkyns 239 

Mr.  Bouncer's  "  Letter  to  the  Mum  " 244 

Cantering  down  a  Green  Warwickshire  Lane 249 

The  Groom  leading  out  the  Exuberantly  Playful   Quadruped  on 

whose  Back  Mr.  Verdant  Green  is  to  disport  himself     .     .  251 
Verdant  proceeds  in  an  Agitated  and  Jolted  Condition  by  Charles 

Larkyns'  Side 252 

Our  Hero  flies  off  the  Saddle  at  a  Tangent «  253 

Little  Mr.  Bouncer's  Pony 254 

Verdant  smokes  the  Magnifico  Pomposo 255 

An  Oxford  Boat-House 256 

Industriously  promulgate  Small-Talk  and  Tobacco-Smoke       .     .     .  258 

Verdant  was  carefully  put  into  a  Tub 260 

"  Hullo,  Gig-lamps  !  here  we  are  !  "  sang  out  the  Little  Gentleman  263 
He  was   highly    complimented   by   Mr.   Blades    and   a  Group    of 

Boating  Gentlemen 265 

He  struck  out  and  swam  to  a  Willow,  whose  Friendly  Boughs  and 

Top  had  just  formed  an  Asylum  for  Mr.  Bouncer      ....  267 
"  What  '11  you  take  for  your  Letters,  Gig-lamps  ?  "  called  out  the 

Little  Gentleman 269 

Mr.  Bouncer  waking  Verdant  Green 270 

"  I  was  able  to  take  Shies  at  the1  Beggar  till  he  vanished  "      ...  271 

Charles  Larkyns  lying  in  Mr.  Bouncer's  Easiest  Lounging-Chair      .  276 
He  would  fling  himself  down  on  the  Carpet,  and  grovel  there  as 

Hamlet  does  in  the  Play-scene        281 

Steadily  crunching  the  Frozen  Snow 282 

Verdant  fixes  his  Gaze  upon  the  Lodge-Gate,  through  which  a  Group 

of  Ladies  and  Gentlemen  are  passing       284 

Verdant  fast  becoming  a  Proficient  in  the  False  &  Deux  Temps   .     .  288 

A  Clever  Proficient  in  the  Fascinating  Art  of  Photography     .     .     .  289 

The  Last  Night  of  December 292 

There  the  Finishing  Stroke  is  given  to  the  Toilette 294 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  at  once  makes  his  Way  to  Miss  Patty  Honey- 

295 


wood's  Side 


The  Charade       298 

The  Audience 302 

Discharges  of  Chromatic  Fireworks  from  the  Fingers  of  Miss  Waters  306 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  persuaded  to  make  his  First  Appearance  as  a 

Skater       309 

A  Match  with  Mr.  Fluke 314 

Mr.  Bouncer  was  consuming  his  Minutes  and  Cigars  at  his  Tobac- 


conist's 


315 


"  The  Bear  "  at  Woodstock 319 


ILLUSTRATIONS   IN  THE  TEXT.  XV 

PACK 

Mr.  Bouncer  working  up  his  Subjects 322 

Mr.  Bouncer  performs  the  National  Anthem  on  his  Favourite  Instru- 
ment, the  Big  Drum        326 

Mr.  Bouncer  describes  his  Examination  Coat 328 

Thronging  round  the  Buttery  Door  to  examine  the  List      ....  332 

The  Promenade  in  Christ  Church  Broad  Walk 335 

The  Horticultural  Show  in  the  Botanical  Gardens 338 

Mr.  Charles  Larkyns  delivers  the  Latin  Essay 339 

Cupid's  Arrow 341 

Thus  they  journey        345 

Initial  to  Chapter  II 349 

Jock  the  Post-Boy 352 

Old  Andrew  was  a  Great  Smoker ;    .     .    .     .  354 

Strapping  Damsels  whose  Occupation  it  was  to  draw  Water  .     .     .  356 

A  Shock-headed  Rustic  and  another  with  a  Large  Pair  of  Shears     .  357 

Mr.  Charles  Larkyns  industriously  whipping  the  Water  for  Trout  .  360 
He  saw  a  Huge  Bull  stealthily  approaching  the  Seated  Figure  of 

the  Unconscious  Young  Lady 362 

Grooming 367 

Miss  Patty's  Stable  Calls  were  generally  made  in  Verdant's  Company  368 

Equestrian  Expeditions 369 

A  Highly  Interesting  Conversation 376 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  had  resolved  to  tell  the  Secret  of  his  Love   .    .  386 

Jealousy 389 

Pretty  Patty  Honeywood  at  Chess 392 

"  Have  a  Look  at  her,  Patty,  while  I  rest  the  Glass  for  you  "...  397 

The  Bull 401 

The  Pic-Nic  Wagons  laboured  through  the  Mountain  Roads  .    .    .  404 

The  Gipsies 412 

Little  Brownies  of  Children 415 

The  Swarthy  Prophetess  opened  her  Book  of  Fate 418 

Side  by  Side 423 

The  Pic-Nic  Party  were  stretched  at  their  Ease  upon  the  Grass  .     .  428 

Looking  as  Sentimental  as  his  Spectacles  would  allow 431 

Little  Mr.  Bouncer  carving  at  the  Pic-Nic 437 

Initial 438 

Mr.  Bouncer  held  in  his  Arms  the  Damp  Form  of  the  Dishevelled 

Naiad 442 

Preparing  themselves  for  Rest 443 

"Come,  rest  in  this  Bosom,  my  own  Stricken  Deer  " 450 

Initial 452 

In  the  Coffee-Room  of  "The  Mitre" 453 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  sat  like  a  Trussed  Fowl,  and  equally  Helpless  462 


xvi  ILLUSTRATIONS   IN   THE   TEXT. 

PAGF 

The  Red-hot  Poker 465 

Initial 466 

Mr.  Bouncer  coaching  up  for  his  Divinity  Paper 467 

Mr.  Smalls'  Pet  Dog  Lympy 471 

Four-in-hand  Fosbrooke's  Silver  Cup 475 

The  Fencing-Instructor's  Left-hand  Cases 476 

The  Fencing-Room 477 

The  Gymnasium 479 

Rabbit-Shooting 481 

The  Floating  Reading-Room  of  the  University  Barge 482 

The  Pretty  Thatched  Cottage „     ...  485 

Cupid  burns  the  College  Cap 488 

Mr.  Robert  Filcher  in  Attendance  with  Verdant's  Bachelor's  Gown  497 

Conferring  the  Degrees 499 


THE   ADVENTURES 


OF 


MR.   VERDANT   GREEN. 


CHAPTER  I. 

MR.  VERDANT  GREEN'S  RELATIVES  AND  ANTECEDENTS. 

IF  you  will  refer  to  the  unpub- 
lished volume  of  "  Burke's 
Landed  Gentry,"  and  turn  to 
letter  G,  article  "GREEN," 
you  will  see  that  the  Verdant 
Greens  are  a  family  of  some 
respectability  and  of  consider- 
able antiquity.  We  meet  with 
them  as  early  as  1096,  flock- 
ing to  the  Crusades  among 
the  followers  of  Peter  the  Her- 
mit, when  one  of  their  name, 
Greene  surnamed  the  Witless, 

mortgaged  his  lands  in  order  to  supply  his  poorer  com- 
panions with  the  sinews  of  war.  The  family  estate, 
however,  appears  to  have  been  redeemed  and  greatly 
increased  by  his  great-grandson,  Hugo  de  Greene,  but 
was  again  jeoparded  in  the  year  1456,  when  Basil  Greene, 
i 


2    THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

being  commissioned  by  Henry  the  Sixth  to  enrich  his 
sovereign  by  discovering  the  philosopher's  stone,  squan- 
dered the  greater  part  of  his  fortune  in  unavailing 
experiments ;  while  his  son,  who  was  also  infected  with 
the  spirit  of  the  age,  was  blown  up  in  his  laboratory 
when  just  on  the  point  of  discovering  the  elixir  of  life. 
It  seems  to  have  been  about  this  time  that  the  Greenes 
became  connected  by  marriage  with  the  equally  old 
family  of  the  Verdants;  and,  in  the  year  1510,  we  find 
a  Verdant  Greene  as  justice  of  the  peace  for  the  county 
of  Warwick,  presiding  at  the  trial  of  three  decrepid  old 
women,  who,  being  found  guilty  of  transforming  them- 
selves into  cats,  and  in  that  shape  attending  the  nightly 
assemblies  of  evil  spirits,  were  very  properly  pro- 
nounced by  him  to  be  witches,  and  were  burnt  with  all 
due  solemnity. 

In  tracing  the  records  of  the  family,  we  do  not  find 
that  any  of  its  members  attained  to  great  eminence  in 
the  state,  either  in  the  counsels  of  the  senate  or  the 
active  services  of  the  field ;  or  that  they  amassed  any 
unusual  amount  of  wealth  or  landed  property.  But  we 
may  perhaps  ascribe  these  circumstances  to  the  fact  of 
finding  the  Greens,  generation  after  generation,  made 
the  dupes  of  more  astute  minds,  and  when  the  hour  of 
danger  came,  left  to  manage  their  own  affairs  in  the 
best  way  they  could,  —  a  way  that  commonly  ended  in 
their  mismanagement  and  total  confusion.  Indeed,  the 
idiosyncrasy  of  the  family  appears  to  have  been  so  well 
known,  that  we  continually  meet  with  them  performing 
the  character  of  catspaw  to  some  monkey  who  had  seen 
and  understood  much  more  of  the  world  than  they  had, 
—  putting  their  hands  to  the  fire,  and  only  finding  out 
their  mistake  when  they  had  burned  their  fingers. 


AN  OXFORD   FRESHMAN.  3 

In  this  way  the  family  of  the  Verdant  Greens  never 
got  beyond  a  certain  point  either  in  wealth  or  station,  but 
were  always  the  same  unsuspicious,  credulous,  respect- 
able, easy-going  people  in  one  century  as  another,  with 
the  same  boundless  confidence  in  their  fellow-creatures, 
and  the  same  readiness  to  oblige  society  by  putting 
their  names  to  little  bills,  merely  for  form's  and  friend- 
ship's sake.  The  Vavasour  Verdant  Green,  with  the 
slashed  velvet  doublet  and  point-lace  fall,  who  (having 
a  well-stocked  purse)  was  among  the  favoured  courtiers 
of  the  Merry  Monarch,  and  who  allowed  that  monarch 
in  his  merriness  to  borrow  his  purse,  with  the  simple 
I.  O.  U.  of  "  Odd's  fish !  you  shall  take  mine  to-mor- 
row ! "  and  who  never  (of  course)  saw  the  sun  rise  on 
the  day  of  repayment,  was  but  the  prototype  of  the 
Verdant  Greens  in  the  full-bottomed  wigs,  and  buckles 
and  shorts  of  George  I.'s  day,  who  were  nearly  beggared 
by  the  bursting  of  the  Mississippi  Scheme  and  South-Sea 
Bubble ;  and  these,  in  their  turn,  were  duly  represented 
by  their  successors.  And  thus  the  family  character  was 
handed  down  with  the  family  nose,  until  they  both 
re-appeared  (according  to  the  veracious  chronicle  of 
Burke,  to  which  we  have  referred)  in 

"  VERDANT  GREEN,  of  the  Manor  Green,  Co.  Warwick,  Gent., 
who  married  Mary,  only  surviving  child  of  Samuel  Sappey,  Esq., 
of  Sapcot  Hall,  Co.  Salop;  by  whom  he  has  issue,  one  son,  and 
three  daughters :  Mary,  —  VERDANT,  —  Helen,  —  Fanny." 

Mr.  Burke  is  unfeeling  enough  to  give  the  dates 
when  this  bunch  of  Greens  first  made  their  appearance 
in  the  world ;  but  these  dates  we  withhold,  from  a  deli- 
cate regard  to  personal  feelings,  which  will  be  duly 
appreciated  by  those  who  have  felt  the  sacredness  of 


4    THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

their  domestic  hearth  to  be  tampered  with  by  the  obtru- 
sive impertinences  of  a  census-paper. 

It  is  sufficient  for  our  purpose  to  say,  that  our  hero, 
Mr.  Verdant  Green,  junior,  was  born  much  in  the  same 
way  as  other  folk.  And  although  pronounced  by  Mrs. 
Toosypegs  his  nurse,  when  yet  in  the  first  crimson  blush 
of  his  existence,  to  be  "  a  perfect  progidy,  mum, 
which  I  ought  to  be  able  to  pronounce,  'avin  nuss'd  a 
many  parties  through  their  trouble,  and  bein  aweer  of 
what  is  doo  to  a  Hinfant,"  —  yet  we  are  not  aware  that 
his  debut  on  the  stage  of  life,  although  thus  applauded 
by  such  a  clacqueur  as  the  indiscriminating  Toosypegs, 
was  announced  to  the  world  at  large  by  any  other 
means  than  the  notices  in  the  county  papers,  and  the 
six-shilling  advertisement  in  the  "  Times." 

"  Progidy "  though  he  was,  even  as  a  baby,  yet  Mr. 
Verdant  Green's  nativity  seems  to  have  been  chronicled 
merely  in  this  every-day  manner,  and  does  not  appear 
to  have  been  accompanied  by  any  of  those  more  mon- 
strous phenomena,  which  in  earlier  ages  attended  the 
production  of  a  genuine  prodigy.  We  are  not  aware 
that  Mrs.  Green's  favourite  Alderney  spoke  on  that 
occasion,  or  conducted  itself  otherwise  than  as  unac- 
customed to  public  speaking  as  usual.  Neither  can 
we  verify  the  assertion  of  the  intelligent  Mr.  Mole  the 
gardener,  that  the  plaster  Apollo  in  the  Long  Walk 
was  observed  to  be  bathed  in  a  profuse  perspiration, 
either  from  its  feeling  compelled  to  keep  up  the  good 
old  classical  custom,  or  because  the  weather  was  damp. 
Neither  are  we  bold  enough  to  entertain  an  opinion 
that  the  chickens  in  the  poultry-yard  refused  their 
customary  food ;  or  that  the  horses  in  the  stable  shook 
with  trembling  fear;  or  that  any  thing,  or  any  body, 


AN  OXFORD   FRESHMAN.  5 

saving  and  excepting  Mrs.  Toosypegs,  betrayed  any 
consciousness  that  a  real  and  genuine  prodigy  had 
been  given  to  the  world. 

However,  during  the  first  two  years  of  his  life,  which 
were  passed  chiefly  in  drinking,  crying,  and  sleeping, 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  met  with  as  much  attention,  and 
received  as  fair  a  share  of  approbation,  as  usually  falls 
to  the  lot  of  the  most  favoured  of  infants.  Then  Mrs. 
Toosypegs  again  took  up  her  position  in  the  house, 
and  his  reign  was  over.  Faithful  to  her  mission,  she 
pronounced  the  new  baby  to  be  the  "  progidy,"  and 
she  was  believed.  But  thus  it  is  all  through  life ;  the 
new  baby  displaces  the  old ;  the  second  love  supplants 
the  first;  we  find  fresh  friends  to  shut  out  the  memories 
of  former  ones;  and  in  nearly  every  thing  we  discover 
that  there  is  a  Number  2  which  can  put  out  of  joint  the 
nose  of  Number  i. 

Once  more  the  shadow  of  Mrs.  Toosypegs  fell  upon 
the  walls  of  Manor  Green ;  and  then  her  mission  being 
accomplished,  she  passed  away  for  ever;  and  our  hero 
was  left  to  be  the  sole  son  and  heir,  and  the  prop  and 
pride  of  the  house  of  Green. 

And  if  it  be  true  that  the  external  forms  of  nature 
exert  a  hidden  but  powerful  sway  over  the  dawning 
perceptions  of  the  mind,  and  shape  its  thoughts  to  har- 
mony with  the  things  around,  then  most  certainly  ought 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  to  have  been  born  a  poet;  for  he 
grew  up  amid  those  scenes  whose  immortality  is,  that 
they  inspired  the  soul  of  Shakspeare  with  his  deathless 
fancies. 

The  Manor  Green  was  situated  in  one  of  the  loveliest 
spots  in  all  Warwickshire,  a  county  so  rich  in  all  that 
constitutes  the  picturesqueness  of  a  true  English  land- 


6    THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

scape.  Looking  from  the  drawing-room  windows  of 
the  house,  you  saw  in  the  near  foreground  the  pretty 
French  garden,  with  its  fantastic  parti-coloured  beds, 
and  its  broad  gravelled  walks  and  terrace ;  proudly 
promenading  which,  or  perched  on  the  stone  balustrade, 
might  be  seen  perchance  a  peacock  flaunting  his  beau- 
ties in  the  sun.  Then  came  the  carefully  kept  gardens, 
bounded  on  the  one  side  by  the  Long  Walk  and  a 
grove  of  shrubs  and  oaks ;  and  on  the  other  side  by  a 
double  avenue  of  stately  elms,  that  led  through  velvet 
turf  of  brightest  green,  down  past  a  little  rustic  lodge, 
to  a  gently  sloping  valley,  where  were  white  walls  and 
rose-clustered  gables  of  cottages  peeping  out  from  the 
embosoming  trees,  that  betrayed  the  village  beauties 
they  seemed  loth  to  hide.  Then  came  the  grey  church- 
tower,  dark  with  shrouding  ivy;  then  another  clump  of 
stately  elms,  tenanted  by  cawing  rooks ;  then  a  yellow 
stretch  of  bright  meadow-land,  dappled  over  with 
browsing  kine  knee-deep  in  grass  and  flowers ;  then  a 
deep  pool  that  mirrored  all,  and  shone  like  silver;  then 
more  trees  with  floating  shade,  and  homesteads  rich  in 
wheat-stacks;  then  a  willowy  brook  that  sparkled  on 
merrily  to  an  old  mill-wheel,  whose  slippery  stairs  it 
lazily  got  down,  and  sank  to  quiet  rest  in  the  stream 
below;  then  came,  crowding  in  rich  profusion,  wide- 
spreading  woods  and  antlered  oaks ;  and  golden  gorse 
and  purple  heather;  and  sunny  orchards,  with  their 
dark-green  waves  that  in  Spring  foamed  white  with 
blossoms;  and  then  gently  swelling  hills  that  rose  to 
close  the  scene  and  frame  the  picture. 

Such  was  the  view  from  the  Manor  Green.  And  full 
of  inspiration  as  such  a  scene  was.  yet  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  never  accomplished  (as  far  as  poetical  inspiration 


AN   OXFORD   FRESHMAN.  7 

was  concerned)  more  than  an  "  Address  to  the  Moon," 
which  he  could  just  as  well  have  written  in  any  other 
part  of  the  country,  and  which,  commencing  with  the 
noble  aspiration,  — 

"  O  moon,  that  shinest  in  the  heaven  so  blue, 
I  only  wish  that  I  could  shine  like  you ! " 

and  terminating  with  one  of  those  fine  touches  of  nature 
which  rise  superior  to  the  trammels  of  ordinary  versi- 
fication, — 

"  But  I  to  bed  must  be  going  soon, 
So  I  will  not  address  thee  more,  O  moon ! " 

will  no  doubt  go  down  to  posterity  in  the  Album  of 
his  sister  Mary. 

For  the  first  fourteen  years  of  his  life,  the  education 
of  Mr.  Verdant  Green  was  conducted  wholly  under  the 
shadow  of  his  paternal  roof,  upon  principles  fondly 
imagined  to  be  the  soundest  and  purest  for  the  forma- 
tion of  his  character.  Mrs.  Green,  who  was  as  good 
and  motherly  a  soul  as  ever  lived,  was  yet  (as  we  have 
shown)  one  of  the  Sappeys  of  Sapcot,  a  family  that 
were  not  renowned  either  for  common  sense  or  worldly 
wisdom,  and  her  notions  of  a  boy's  education  were  of 
that  kind  laid  down  by  her  favourite  poet,  Cowper,  in 
his  "  Tirocinium,"  that  we  are  — 

"  Well-tutor'd  only  while  we  share 
A  mother's  lectures  and  a  nurse's  care ;  " 

and  in  her  horror  of  all  other  kind  of  instruction  (not 
that  she  admitted  Mrs.  Toosypegs  to  her  counsels),  she 
fondly  kept  Master  Verdant  at  her  own  apron-strings. 
The  task  of  teaching  his  young  idea  how  to  shoot  was 
committed  chiefly  to  his  sisters'  governess,  and  he  regu- 


8    THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

larly  took  his  place  with  them  in  the  school-room. 
These  daily  exercises  and  mental  drillings  were  subject 
to  the  inspection  of  their  maiden-aunt,  Miss  Virginia 
Verdant,  a  first  cousin  of  Mr.  Green's,  who  had  come 
to  visit  at  the  Manor  during  Master  Verdant's  infancy, 
and  had  remained  there  ever  since ;  and  this  generalship 
was  crowned  with  such  success,  that  her  nephew  grew 
up  the  girlish  companion  of  his  sisters,  with  no  know- 
ledge of  boyish  sports,  and  no  desire  for  them. 

The  motherly  and  spinsterial  views  regarding  his 
education  were  favoured  by  the  fact  that  he  had  no 
playmates  of  his  own  sex  and  age ;  and  since  his  father 
was  an  only  child,  and  his  mother's  brothers  had  died 
in  their  infancy,  there  were  no  cousins  to  initiate  him 
into  the  mysteries  of  boyish  games  and  feelings.  Mr. 
Green  was  a  man  who  only  cared  to  live  a  quiet,  easy- 
going life,  and  would  have  troubled  himself  but  little 
about  his  neighbours,  if  he  had  had  any;  but  the  Manor 
Green  lay  in  an  agricultural  district,  and,  saving  the 
Rectory,  there  was  no  other  large  house  for  miles 
around.  The  rector's  wife,  Mrs.  Larkyns,  had  died 
shortly  after  the  birth  of  her  first  child,  a  son,  who  was 
being  educated  at  a  public  school ;  and  this  was  enough, 
in  Mrs.  Green's  eyes,  to  make  a  too  intimate  acquain- 
tance between  her  boy  and  Master  Larkyns  a  thing  by 
no  means  to  be  desired.  With  her  favourite  poet  she 
would  say,  — 

"  For  public  schools,  't  is  public  folly  feeds ;  " 

and,  regarding  them  as  the  very  hotbeds  of  all  that  is 
wrong,  she  would  turn  a  deaf,  though  polite,  ear  to  the 
rector  whenever  he  said,  "Why  don't  you  let  your 
Verdant  go  with  my  Charley?  Charley  is  three  years 


AN  OXFORD   FRESHMAN.  9 

older  than  Verdant,  and  would  take  him  under  his 
wing."  Mrs.  Green  would  as  soon  think  of  putting  one 
of  her  chickens  under  the  wing  of  a  hawk,  as  intrusting 
the  innocent  Verdant  to  the  care  of  the  scapegrace 
Charley;  so  she  still  persisted  in  her  own  system  of 
education,  despite  all  that  the  rector  could  advise 
to  the  contrary. 

As  for  Master  Verdant,  he  was  only  too  glad  at  his 
mother's  decision,  for  he  partook  of  all  her  alarm  about 
public  schools,  though  from  a  different  cause.  It  was 
not  very  often  that  he  visited  at  the  Rectory  during 
Master  Charley's  holidays;  but  when  he  did,  that 
young  gentleman  favoured  him  with  such  accounts  of 
the  peculiar  knack  the  second  master  possessed  of 
finding  out  all  your  tenderest  places  when  he  licked 
a  feller  for  a  false  quantity,  that,  by  Jove !  you  could  n't 
sit  down  for  a  fortnight  without  squeaking;  and  of  the 
jolly  mills  they  used  to  have  with  the  town  cads,  who 
would  lie  in  wait  for  you,  and  half  kill  you  if  they 
caught  you  alone;  and  of  the  fun  it  was  to  make  a 
junior  form  fag  for  you,  and  do  all  your  dirty  work,  — 
that  Master  Verdant's  hair  would  almost  stand  on  end 
at  such  horrors,  and  he  would  gasp  for  very  dread  lest 
such  should  ever  be  his  dreadful  doom. 

And  then  Master  Charley  would  take  a  malicious 
pleasure  in  consoling  him,  by  saying,  "  Of  course,  you 
know,  you  '11  only  have  to  fag  for  the  first  two  or  three 
years ;  then  —  if  you  get  into  the  fourth  form  —  you  '11 
be  able  to  have  a  fag  for  yourself.  And  it 's  awful  fun, 
I  can  tell  you,  to  see  the  way  some  of  the  fags  get  riled 
at  cricket!  You  get  a  feller  to  give  you  a  few  balls, 
just  for  practice,  and  you  hit  the  ball  into  another 
feller's  ground ;  and  then  you  tell  your  fag  to  go  and 


10   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

pick  it  up.  So  he  goes  to  do  it,  when  the  other  feller 
sings  out,  '  Don't  touch  that  ball,  or  I  '11  lick  you  !  '  So 
you  tell  the  fag  to  come  to  you,  and  you  say,  '  Why 
don't  you  do  as  I  tell  you?'  And  he  says,  'Please, 
sir !  '  and  then  the  little  beggar  blubbers.  So  you  say 
to  him,  '  None  of  that,  sir  !  Touch  your  toes  !  '  We 
always  make  'em  wear  straps  on  purpose.  And  then 
his  trousers  go  tight  and  beautiful,  and  you  take  out 
your  strap  and  warm  him !  And  then  he  goes  to  get 
the  ball,  and  the  other  fellow  sings  out,  '  I  told  you  to 
let  that  ball  alone !  Come  here,  sir !  Touch  your 
toes !  '  So  he  warms  him  too ;  and  then  we  go  on  all 
jolly.  It 's  awful  fun,  I  can  tell  you  !  " 

Master  Verdant  would  think  it  awful  indeed;  and,  by 
his  own  fireside,  would  recount  the  deeds  of  horror  to 
his  trembling  mother  and  sisters,  whose  imagination 
shuddered  at  the  scenes  from  which  they  hoped  their 
darling  would  be  preserved. 

Perhaps  Master  Charley  had  his  own  reasons  for 
making  matters  worse  than  they  really  were ;  but  as 
long  as  the  information  he  derived  concerning  public 
schools  was  of  this  description,  so  long  did  Master 
Verdant  Green  feel  thankful  at  being  kept  away  from 
them.  He  had  a  secret  dread,  too,  of  his  friend's  supe- 
rior age  and  knowledge,  and  in  his  presence  felt  a 
bashful  awe  that  made  him  glad  to  get  back  from  the 
Rectory  to  his  own  sisters;  while  Master  Charley,  on 
the  other  hand,  entertained  a  lad's  contempt  for  one 
that  could  not  fire  off  a  gun,  or  drive  a  cricket-ball,  or 
jump  a  ditch  without  falling  into  it.  So  the  Rectory 
and  the  Manor  Green  lads  saw  but  very  little  of  each 
other;  and  while  the  one  went  through  his  public- 
school  course,  the  other  was  brought  up  at  the  women's 
apron-string. 


AN  OXFORD   FRESHMAN.  II 

But  though  thus  put  under  petticoat  government,  Mr. 
Verdant  Green  was  not  altogether  freed  from  those 
tyrants  of  youth,  —  the  dead  languages.  His  aunt 
Virginia  was  as  learned  a  Blue  as  her  esteemed  ances- 
tress in  the  court  of  Elizabeth,  the  very  Virgin  Queen 
of  Blues ;  and  under  her  guidance  Master  Verdant  was 
dragged  with  painful  diligence  through  the  first  steps 
of  the  road  that  was  to  take  him  to  Parnassus.  It  was 
a  great  sight  to  see  her  sitting  stiff  and  straight,  —  with 
her  wonderfully  undeceptive  "  false  front "  of  (some- 
body else's)  black  hair,  graced  on  either  side  by  four 
sausage-looking  curls,  —  as,  with  spectacles  on  nose  and 
dictionary  in  hand,  she  instructed  her  nephew  in  those 
ingenuous  arts  which  should  soften  his  manners,  and 
not  permit  him  to  be  brutal.  And  when  they  together 
entered  upon  the  romantic  page  of  Virgil  (which  was 
the  extent  of  her  classical  reading),  nothing  would 
delight  her  more  than  to  declaim  their  sonorous  Arma- 
virumque-cano  lines,  where  the  intrinsic  qualities  of  the 
verse  surpassed  the  quantities  that  she  gave  to  them. 

Fain  would  Miss  Virginia  have  made  Virgil  the  end 
and  aim  of  an  educational  existence,  and  so  have  kept 
her  pupil  entirely  under  her  own  care;  but,  alas!  she 
knew  nothing  further;  she  had  no  acquaintance  with 
Greek,  and  she  had  never  flirted  with  Euclid ;  and  the 
rector  persuaded  Mr.  Green  that  these  were  indispen 
sable  to  a  boy's  education.  So,  when  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  was  (in  stable  language)  "rising"  sixteen,  he 
went  thrice  a  week  to  the  Rectory,  where  Mr.  Larkyns 
bestowed  upon  him  a  couple  of  hours,  and  taught  him 
to  conjugate  TVTTTO),  and  get  over  the  Pons  Asinorum. 
Mr.  Larkyns  found  his  pupil  not  a  particularly  brilliant 
scholar,  but  he  was  a  plodding  one;  and  though  he 


12   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

learned  slowly,  yet  the  little  he  did  learn  was  learned 
well. 

Thus  the  Rectory  and  the  home  studies  went  hand 
in  hand,  and  continued  so,  with  but  little  interruption, 
for  more  than  two  years ;  and  Mr.  Verdant  Green  had 
for  some  time  assumed  the  toga  virilis  of  stick-up 
collars  and  swallow-tail  coats,  that  so  effectually  cut 
us  off  from  the  age  of  innocence ;  and  the  small  family 
festival  that  annually  celebrated  his  birthday  had  just 
been  held  for  the  eighteenth  time,  when  — 

"  A  change  came  o'er  the  spirit  of  his  dream." 


AN   OXFORD    FRESHMAN. 


CHAPTER  II. 

MR.  VERDANT  GREEN  IS  TO  BE  AN  OXFORD-MAN. 

ONE  day  when  the  family  at  the  Manor  Green  had 
assembled  for  luncheon,  the  rector  was  announced. 
He  came  in  and  joined  them,  saying,  with  his  usual 
friendly  bonhomie,  "  A  very  well-timed  visit,  I  think ! 
Your  bell  rang  out  its  summons  as  I  came  up  the 
avenue.  Mrs.  Green,  I  've  gone  through  the  formality 
of  looking  over  the  accounts  of  your  clothing-club,  and, 
as  usual,  I  find  them  correctness  itself;  and  here  is  my 
subscription  for  the  next  year.  Miss  Green,  I  hope  that 
you  have  not  forgotten  the  lesson  in  logic  that  Tommy 
Jones  gave  you  yesterday  afternoon?  " 

"  Oh,  what  was  that?  "  cried  her  two  sisters,  who  took 
it  in  turns  with  her  to  go  for  a  short  time  in  every  day 
to  the  village  school,  which  their  father  and  the  rector 
had  established.  "  Pray  tell  us,  Mr.  Larkyns !  Mary 
has  said  nothing  about  it." 

"  Then,"  replied  the  rector,  "  I  am  tongue-tied,  until 
I  have  my  fair  friend's  permission  to  reveal  how  the 
teacher  was  taught." 

Mary  shook  her  sunny  ringlets,  and  laughingly  gave 
him  the  required  permission. 

"  You  must  know,  then,"  said  Mr.  Larkyns,  "  that 
Miss  Mary  was  giving  one  of  those  delightful  object- 
lessons,  wherein  she  blends  so  much  instructive  —  " 


AN   OXFORD   FRESHMAN.  15 

"  I  '11  trouble  you  for  the  butter,  Mr.  Larkyns,"  inter- 
rupted Mary,  rather  maliciously. 

The  rector  was  grey-headed,  and  a  privileged  friend. 
"  My  dear,"  he  said,  "  I  was  just  giving  it  you.  How- 
ever, the  object-lesson  was  going  on,  the  subject  being 
Quadrupeds,  which  Miss  Mary  very  properly  explained 
to  be  '  things  with  four  legs.'  Presently  she  said  to  her 
class,  '  Tell  me  the  names  of  some  quadrupeds ; '  when 
Tommy  Jones,  thrusting  out  his  hand  with  the  full 
conviction  that  he  was  making  an  important  suggestion, 
exclaimed,  '  Chairs  and  tables ! '  That  was  turning  the 
tables  upon  Miss  Mary  with  a  vengeance !  " 

During  luncheon  the  conversation  glided  into  a 
favourite  theme  with  Mrs.  Green  and  Miss  Virginia,  — 
Verdant's  studies,  —  when  Mr.  Larkyns,  after  some 
good-natured  praise  of  his  diligence,  said,  "  By  the  way, 
Green,  he  's  now  quite  old  enough,  and  prepared  enough, 
for  matriculation ;  and  I  suppose  you  are  thinking 
of  it." 

Mr.  Green  was  thinking  of  no  such  thing.  He  had 
never  been  at  college  himself,  and  had  never  heard  of 
his  father  having  been  there;  and  having  the  old- 
fashioned,  what-was-good-enough-for-my-father-is-good- 
enough-for-me  sort  of  feeling,  it  had  never  occurred  to 
him  that  his  son  should  be  brought  up  otherwise  than 
he  himself  had  been.  The  setting-out  of  Charles  Lar- 
kyns for  college,  two  years  before,  had  suggested  no 
other  thought  to  Mr.  Green's  mind,  than  that  a  univer- 
sity was  the  natural  sequence  of  a  public  school ;  and 
since  Verdant  had  not  been  through  the  career  of  the 
one,  he  deemed  him  to  be  exempt  from  the  other. 

The  motherly  ears  of  Mrs.  Green  had  been  caught  by 
the  word  "  matriculation,"  a  phrase  quite  unknown  to 


16   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

her;  and  she  said,  "  If  it's  vaccination  that  you  mean, 
Mr.  Larkyns,  my  dear  Verdant  was  done  only  last  year, 
when  we  thought  the  small-pox  was  about ;  so  I  think 
he  's  quite  safe." 

Mr.  Larkyns'  politeness  was  sorely  tried  to  restrain 
himself  from  giving  vent  to  his  feelings  in  a  loud  burst 
of  laughter ;  but  Mary  gallantly  came  to  his  relief  by 
saying,  "  Matriculation  means  being  entered  at  a  univer- 
sity. Don't  you  remember,  dearest  mamma,  when  Mr. 
Charles  Larkyns  went  up  to  Oxford  to  be  matriculated 
last  January  two  years  ?  " 

"  Ah,  yes,  I  do  now.  But  I  wish  I  had  your  mem- 
ory, my  dear." 

And  Mary  blushed,  and  flattered  herself  that  she  suc- 
ceeded in  looking  as  though  Mr.  Charles  Larkyns  and 
his  movements  were  objects  of  perfect  indifference  to 
her. 

So,  after  luncheon,  Mr.  Green  and  the  rector  paced 
up  and  down  the  Long  Walk,  and  talked  the  matter  over. 
The  burden  of  Mr.  Green's  discourse  was  this :  "  You 
see,  sir,  I  don't  intend  my  boy  to  go  into  the  Church, 
like  yours ;  but,  when  any  thing  happens  to  me,  he  '11 
come  into  the  estate,  and  have  to  settle  down  as  the 
squire  of  the  parish.  So  I  don't  exactly  see  what 
would  be  the  use  of  sending  him  to  a  university,  where, 
I  dare  say,  he  'd  spend  a  good  deal  of  money,  —  not 
that  I  should  grudge  that,  though, — and  perhaps  not  be 
quite  such  a  good  lad  as  he 's  always  been  to  me,  sir.  And, 
by  George !  (I  beg  your  pardon)  I  think  his  mother 
would  break  her  heart  to  lose  him ;  and  I  don't  know 
what  we  should  do  without  him,  as  he  's  never  been  away 
from  us  a  day,  and  his  sisters  would  miss  him.  And 
he's  not  a  lad  like  your  Charley,  that  could  fight  his 


AN  OXFORD   FRESHMAN.  17 

way  in  the  world,  and  I  don't  think  he  'd  be  altogether 
happy.  And  as  he 's  not  got  to  depend  upon  his  talents 
for  his  bread  and  cheese,  the  knowledge  he 's  got  at 
home,  and  from  you,  sir,  seems  to  me  quite  enough  to 
carry  him  through  life.  So,  altogether,  I  think  Verdant 
will  do  very  well  as  he  is,  and  perhaps  we  'd  better  say 
no  more  about  the  matriculation." 

But  the  rector  would  say  more ;  and  he  expressed  his 
mind  thus :  "  It  is  not  so  much  from  what  Verdant 
would  learn  in  Latin  and  Greek,  and  such  things  as 
make  up  a  part  of  the  education,  that  I  advise  your 
sending  him  to  a  university;  but  more  from  what  he 
would  gain  by  mixing  with  a  large  body  of  young  men 
of  his  own  age,  who  represent  the  best  classes  of  a 
mixed  society,  and  who  may  justly  be  taken  as  fair 
samples  of  its  feelings  and  talents.  It  is  formation  of 
character  that  I  regard  as  one  of  the  greatest  of  the 
many  great  ends  of  a  university  system ;  and  if  for  this 
reason  alone,  I  should  advise  you  to  send  your  future 
country  squire  to  college.  Where  else  will  he  be  able 
to  meet  with  so  great  a  number  of  those  of  his  own 
class,  with  whom  he  will  have  to  mix  in  the  after  changes 
of  life,  and  for  whose  feelings  and  tone  a  college-course 
will  give  him  the  proper  key-note?  Where  else  can  he 
learn  so  quickly  in  three  years — what  other  men  will 
perhaps  be  striving  for  through  life  without  attaining— 
that  self-reliance  which  will  enable  him  to  mix  at  ease 
in  any  society,  and  to  feel  the  equal  of  its  members? 
And,  besides  all  this,  — and  each  of  these  points  in  the 
education  of  a  young  man  is,  to  my  mind,  a  strong  one 
—  where  else  could  he  be  more  completely  '  under  tutors 
and  governors,'  and  more  thoroughly  under  surveillance, 
than  in  a  place  where  college-laws  are  no  respecters  of 

2 


1 8   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

persons,  and  seek  to  keep  the  wild  blood  of  youth  within 
its  due  bounds?  There  is  something  in  the  very  atmos- 
phere of  a  university  that  seems  to  engender  refined 
thoughts  and  noble  feelings;  and  lamentable  indeed 
must  be  the  state  of  any  young  man  who  can  pass 
through  the  three  years  of  his  college  residence,  and 
bring  away  no  higher  aims,  no  worthier  purposes,  no 
better  thoughts,  from  all  the  holy  associations  which 
have  been  crowded  around  him.  Such  advantages  as 
these  are  not  to  be  regarded  with  indifference;  and 
though  they  come  in  secondary  ways,  and  possess  the 
mind  almost  imperceptibly,  yet  they  are  of  primary 
importance  in  the  formation  of  character,  and  may 
mould  it  into  the  more  perfect  man.  And  as  long  as 
I  had  the  power,  I  would  no  more  think  of  depriving 
a  child  of  mine  of  such  good  means  towards  a  good  end, 
than  I  would  of  keeping  him  from  any  thing  else  that 
was  likely  to  improve  his  mind  or  affect  his  heart." 

Mr.  Larkyns  put  matters  in  a  new  light;  and  Mr. 
Green  began  to  think  that  a  university  career  might  be 
looked  at  from  more  than  one  point  of  view.  But  as 
old  prejudices  are  not  so  easily  overthrown  as  the  lath- 
and-plaster  erections  of  mere  newly-formed  opinions, 
Mr.  Green  was  not  yet  won  over  by  Mr.  Larkyns'  argu- 
ments. "  There  was  my  father,"  he  said,  "  who  was 
one  of  the  worthiest  and  kindest  men  living;  and  I 
believe  he  never  went  to  college,  nor  did  he  think  it 
necessary  that  I  should  go ;  and  I  trust  I  'm  no  worse  a 
man  than  my  father." 

"  Ah,  Green,"  replied  the  rector,  "  the  old  argu- 
ment !  But  you  must  not  judge  the  present  age  by  the 
past;  nor  measure  out  to  your  son  the  same  degree  of 
education  that  your  father  might  think  sufficient  for 


AN   OXFORD  FRESHMAN.  19 

you.  When  you  and  I  were  boys,  Green,  these  things 
were  thought  of  very  differently  to  what  they  are  in 
the  present  day;  and  when  your  father  gave  you  a 
respectable  education  at  a  classical  school,  he  did  all 
that  he  thought  was  requisite  to  form  you  into  a  coun- 
try gentleman,  and  fit  you  for  that  station  in  life  you 
were  destined  to  fill.  But  consider  what  a  progressive 
age  it  is  that  we  live  in,  and  you  will  see  that  the  stan- 
dard of  education  has  been  considerably  raised  since 
the  days  when  you  and  I  did  the  '  propria  quae  mari- 
bus '  together ;  and  that  when  he  comes  to  mix  in 
society,  more  will  be  demanded  of  the  son  than  was 
expected  from  the  father.  And  besides  this,  think  in 
how  many  ways  it  will  benefit  Verdant  to  send  him  to 
college.  By  mixing  more  in  the  world,  and  being 
called  upon  to  act  and  think  for  himself,  he  will  gradu- 
ally gain  that  experience,  without  which  a  man  cannot 
arm  himself  to  meet  the  difficulties  that  beset  all  of  us, 
more  or  less,  in  the  battle  of  life.  He  is  just  of  an  age 
when  some  change  from  the  narrowed  circle  of  home 
is  necessary.  God  forbid  that  I  should  ever  speak  in 
any  but  the  highest  terms  of  the  moral  good  it  must 
do  every  young  man  to  live  under  his  mother's  watch- 
ful eye,  and  be  ever  in  the  company  of  pure-minded 
sisters.  Indeed  I  feel  this  more  perhaps  than  many 
other  parents  would,  because  my  lad,  from  his  earliest 
years,  has  been  deprived  of  such  tender  training,  and 
cut  off  from  such  sweet  society.  But  yet,  with  all  this 
high  regard  for  such  home  influences,  I  put  it  to  you, 
if  there  will  not  grow  up  in  the  boy's  mind,  when  he 
begins  to  draw  near  to  man's  estate,  a  very  weariness 
of  all  this,  from  its  very  sameness;  a  surfeiting,  as  it 
were,  of  all  these  delicacies,  and  a  longing  for  some- 


20   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

thing  to  break  the  monotony  of  what  will  gradually 
become  to  him  a  humdrum  horse-in-the-mill  kind  of 
country  life?  And  it  is  just  at  this  critical  time  that 
college  life  steps  in  to  his  aid.  With  his  new  life  a 
new  light  bursts  upon  his  mind ;  he  finds  that  he  is 
not  the  little  household-god  he  had  fancied  himself  to 
be ;  his  word  is  no  longer  the  law  of  the  Medes  and 
Persians,  as  it  was  at  home;  he  meets  with  none  of 
those  little  flatteries  from  partial  relatives,  or  fawning 
servants,  that  were  growing  into  a  part  of  his  existence; 
but  he  has  to  bear  contradiction  and  reproof,  to  find 
himself  only  an  equal  with  others  when  he  can  gain 
that  equality  by  his  own  deserts;  and,  in  short,  he 
daily  progresses  in  that  knowledge  of  himself,  which, 
from  the  gnothiseauton  days  down  to  our  own,  has  been 
found  to  be  about  the  most  useful  of  all  knowledge ;  for 
it  gives  a  man  stability  of  character,  and  braces  up  his 
mental  energies  to  a  healthy  enjoyment  of  the  business 
of  life.  And  so,  Green,  I  would  advise  you,  above  all 
things,  to  let  Verdant  go  to  college." 

Much  more  did  the  rector  say,  not  only  on  this  oc- 
casion, but  on  others ;  and  the  more  frequently  he 
returned  to  the  charge,  the  less  resistance  were  his 
arguments  met  with ;  and  the  result  was,  that  Mr. 
Green  was  fully  persuaded  that  a  university  was 
the  proper  sphere  for  his  son  to  move  in.  But  it  was 
not  without  many  a  pang  and  much  secret  misgiving 
that  Mrs.  Green  would  consent  to  suffer  her  beloved 
Verdant  to  run  the  risk  of  those  dreadful  contamina- 
tions which  she  imagined  would  inevitably  accompany 
every  college  career.  Indeed,  she  thought  it  an  act  of 
the  greatest  heroism  (or,  if  you  object  to  the  word, 
heroineism)  to  be  won  over  to  say  "  yes  "  to  the  pro- 


AN   OXFORD   FRESHMAN.  21 

posal;  and  it  was  not  until  Miss  Virginia  had  recited 
to  her  the  deeds  of  all  the  mothers  of  Greece  and  Rome 
who  had  suffered  for  their  children's  sake,  that  Mrs. 
Green  would  consent  to  sacrifice  her  maternal  feelings 
at  the  sacred  altar  of  duty. 

When  the  point  had  been  duly  settled,  that  Mr.  Ver- 
dant Green  was  to  receive  a  university  education,  the 
next  question  to  be  decided  was,  to  which  of  the  three 
Universities  should  he  go,  —  to  Oxford,  Cambridge, 
or  Durham?  But  this  was  a  matter  which  was  soon 
determined  upon.  Mr.  Green  at  once  put  Durham 
aside,  on  account  of  its  infancy,  and  its  wanting  the 
Prestige  that  attaches  to  the  names  of  the  two  great 
Universities.  Cambridge  was  treated  quite  as  summa- 
rily, because  Mr.  Green  had  conceived  the  notion  that 
nothing  but  mathematics  were  ever  thought  or  talked 
of  there ;  and  as  he  himself  had  always  had  an  ab- 
horrence of  them  from  his  youth  up,  when  he  was 
hebdomadally  flogged  for  not  getting  up  his  weekly 
propositions,  he  thought  that  his  son  should  be  spared 
some  of  the  personal  disagreeables  that  he  himself  had 
encountered ;  for  Mr.  Green  remembered  to  have  heard 
that  the  great  Newton  was  horsed  during  the  time  that 
he  was  a  Cambridge  undergraduate,  and  he  had  a  hazy 
idea  that  the  same  indignities  were  still  practised  there. 

But  the  circumstance  that  chiefly  decided  Mr.  Green 
to  choose  Oxford  as  the  arena  for  Verdant's  perform- 
ances was,  that  he  would  have  a  companion,  and,  as 
he  hoped,  a  mentor,  in  the  rector's  son,  Mr.  Charles 
Larkyns,  who  would  not  only  be  able  to  cheer  him  on 
his  first  entrance,  but  also  would  introduce  him  to  se- 
lect and  quiet  friends,  put  him  in  the  way  of  lectures, 
and  initiate  him  into  all  the  mysteries  of  the  place; 


22   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

all  which  the  rector  professed  his  son  would  be  glad  to 
do,  and  would  be  delighted  to  see  his  old  friend  and 
playfellow  within  the  classic  walls  of  Alma  Mater. 

Oxford  having  been  selected  for  the  university,  the 
next  point  to  be  decided  was  the  college. 

"  You  cannot,"  said  the  rector,  "  find  a  much  better 
college  than  Brazenface,  where  my  lad  is.  It  always 
stands  well  in  the  class-list,  and  keeps  a  good  name 
with  its  tutors.  There  are  a  nice  gentlemanly  set  of 
men  there ;  and  I  am  proud  to  say,  that  my  lad  would 
be  able  to  introduce  Verdant  to  some  of  the  best.  This 
will  of  course  be  much  to  his  advantage.  And  besides 
this,  I  am  on  very  intimate  terms  with  Dr.  Portman,  the 
master  of  the  college ;  and,  if  they  should  not  happen 
to  be  very  full,  no  doubt  I  could  get  Verdant  admitted 
at  once.  This  too  will  be  of  advantage  to  him ;  for  I 
can  tell  you  that  there  are  secrets  in  all  these  matters, 
and  that  at  many  colleges  that  I  could  name,  unless 
you  knew  the  principal,  or  had  some  introduction  or 
other  potent  spell  to  work  with,  your  son's  name  would 
have  to  remain  on  the  books  two  or  three  years  before 
he  could  be  entered ;  and  this,  at  Verdant's  age,  would 
be  a  serious  objection.  At  one  or  two  of  the  colleges, 
indeed,  this  is  almost  necessary,  under  any  circum- 
stances, on  account  of  the  great  number  of  applicants; 
but  at  Brazenface  there  is  not  this  over-crowding ;  and 
I  have  no  doubt,  if  I  write  to  Dr.  Portman,  but  what  I 
can  get  rooms  for  Verdant  without  much  loss  of  time." 

"  Brazenface  be  it  then  !  "  said  Mr.  Green,  "  and  I 
am  sure  that  Verdant  will  enter  there  with  very  many 
advantages ;  and  the  sooner  the  better,  so  that  he  may 
be  the  longer  with  Mr.  Charles.  But  when  must  his  — 
his  what-d'ye-call-it,  come  off?  " 


AN   OXFORD   FRESHMAN.  23 

"His  matriculation?"  replied  the  rector.  "Why, 
although  it  is  not  usual  for  men  to  commence  residence 
at  the  time  of  their  matriculation,  still  it  is  sometimes 
done.  And  as  my  lad  will,  if  all  goes  on  well,  be  leav 
ing  Oxford  next  year,  perhaps  it  would  be  bette^r,  on 
that  account,  that  Verdant  should  enter  upon  his  resi- 
dence as  soon  as  he  has  matriculated." 

Mr.  Green  thought  so  too ;  and  Verdant,  upon  being 
appealed  to,  had  no  objection  to  this  course,  or,  indeed, 
to  any  other  that  was  decided  to  be  necessary  for  him ; 
though  it  must  be  confessed,  that  he  secretly  shared 
somewhat  of  his  mother's  feelings  as  he  looked  forward 
into  the  blank  and  uncertain  prospect  of  his  college 
life.  Like  a  good  and  dutiful  son,  however,  his  father's 
wishes  were  law ;  and  he  no  more  thought  of  opposing 
them,  than  he  did  of  discovering  the  north  pole,  or  pay- 
ing off  the  national  debt 

So  all  this  being  duly  settled,  and  Mrs.  Green  being 
entirely  won  over  to  the  proceeding,  the  rector  at  once 
wrote  to  Dr.  Portman,  and  in  due  time  received  a  reply 
to  the  effect  that  they  were  very  full  at  Brazenface,  but 
that  luckily  there  was  one  set  of  rooms  which  would  be 
vacant  at  the  commencement  of  the  Easter  term ;  at 
which  time  he  should  be  very  glad  to  see  the  gentleman 
his  friend  spoke  of. 


CHAPTER    III. 

MR.    VERDANT    GREEN    LEAVES    THE    HOME    OF    HIS 
ANCESTORS. 

/T"~VHE  time  till  Easter  passed  very  quickly,  for  much 
JL  had  to  be  done  in  it.  Verdant  read  up  most 
desperately  for  his  matriculation,  associating  that  ini- 
tiatory examination  with  the  most  dismal  visions  of 
plucking,  and  other  college  tortures. 

His  mother  was  laying  in  for  him  a  new  stock  of 
linen,  sufficient  in  quantity  to  provide  him  for  years  of 
emigration;  while  his  father  was  busying  himself  about 
the  plate  that  it  was  requisite  to  take,  buying  it  bran- 
new,  and  of  the  most  solid  silver,  and  having  it  splen- 
didly engraved  with  the  family  crest,  and  the  motto, 
"  Semper  virens." 

Infatuated  Mr.  Green !  If  you  could  have  foreseen 
that  those  spoons  and  forks  would  have  soon  passed  — 
by  a  mysterious  system  of  loss  which  undergraduate 
powers  can  never  fathom  —  into  the  property  of  Mr. 
Robert  Filcher,  the  excellent,  though  occasionally 


AN  OXFORD   FRESHMAN.  25 

erratic,  scout  of  your  beloved  son,  and  from  thence 
have  melted,  not  "  into  thin  air,"  but  into  a  residuum 
whose  mass  might  be  expressed  by  the  equivalent  of 
coins  of  a  thin  and  golden  description,  —  if  you  could 
but  have  foreseen  this,  then,  infatuated  but  affectionate 
parent,  you  would  have  been  content  to  have  let  your 
son  and  heir  represent  the  ancestral  wealth  by  mere 
electro-plate,  albata,  or  any  sham  that  would  equally 
well  have  served  his  purpose ! 

As  for  Miss  Virginia  Verdant,  and  the  other  woman 
portion  of  the  Green  community,  they  fully  occupied 
their  time  until  the  day  of  separation  came  by  elabo- 
rating articles  of  feminine  workmanship,  as  souvenirs, 
by  which  dear  Verdant  might,  in  the  land  of  the 
strangers,  recall  visions  of  home.  These  were  pre- 
sented to  him  with  all  due  state  on  the  morning  of  the 
day  previous  to  that  on  which  he  was  to  leave  the  home 
of  his  ancestors. 

All  the  articles  were  useful  as  well  as  ornamental. 
There  was  a  purse  from  Helen,  which,  besides  being  a 
triumph  of  art  in  the  way  of  bead  decoration,  was  also, 
it  must  be  allowed,  a  very  useful  present,  unless  one 
happened  to  carry  one's  riches  in  a  porte-monnaie. 
There  was  a  pair  of  braces  from  Mary,  worked  with  an 
ecclesiastical  pattern  of  a  severe  character,  —  very 
appropriate  for  academical  wear,  and  extremely  effective 
for  all  occasions  when  the  coat  had  to  be  taken  off  in 
public ;  and  there  was  a  watch-pocket  from  Fanny,  to 
hang  over  Verdant's  night-capped  head,  and  serve  as  a 
depository  for  the  golden  mechanical  turnip  that  had 
been  handed  down  in  the  family  as  a  watch  for  the 
last  three  generations ;  and  there  was  a  pair  of  woollen 
comforters  knit  by  Miss  Virginia's  own  fair  hands;  and 


26   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

there  were  other  woollen  articles  of  domestic  use,  which 
were  contributed  by  Mrs.  Green  for  her  son's  personal 
comfort.  To  these,  Miss  Virginia  thoughtfully  added 
an  infallible  recipe  for  the  toothache,  an  infliction  to 
which  she  was  a  martyr,  and  for  the  general  relief  of 
which  in  others  she  constituted  herself  a  species  of 
toothache  missionary ;  for,  as  she  said,  "  You  might, 
my  dear  Verdant,  be  seized  with  that  painful  disease, 
and  not  have  me  by  your  side  to  cure  it,"  —  which  it 
was  very  probable  he  would  not,  if  college  rules  were 
strictly  carried  out  at  Brazenface. 

All  these  articles  were  presented  to  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  with  many  speeches  and  great  ceremony ;  while 
Mr.  Green  stood  by,  and  smiled  benignantly  upon  the 
scene,  and  his  son  beamed  through  his  glasses  (which 
his  defective  sight  obliged  him  constantly  to  wear)  with 
the  most  serene  aspect. 

It  was  altogether  a  great  day  of  preparation,  and  one 
which  it  was  well  for  the  constitution  of  the  household 
did  not  happen  very  often ;  for  the  house  was  reduced 
to  that  summerset  condition  usually  known  in  domestic 
parlance  as  "  upside  down."  Mr.  Verdant  Green  per- 
sonally superintended  the  packing  of  his  goods,  —  a  per- 
formance which  was  only  effected  by  the  united  strength 
of  the  establishment.  Butler,  Footman,  Coachman, 
Lady's-maid,  Housemaid,  and  Buttons  were  all  pressed 
into  the  service;  and  the  coachman,  being  a  man  of 
some  weight,  was  found  to  be  of  great  use  in  effecting 
a  junction  of  the  locks  and  hasps  of  over-filled  book- 
boxes.  It  was  astonishing  to  see  all  the  amount  of 
literature  that  Mr.  Verdant  Green  was  about  to  convey 
to  the  seat  of  learning:  there  was  enough  to  stock  a 
small  Bodleian.  As  the  owner  stood  with  his  hands 


AN   OXFORD   FRESHMAN.  2? 

behind  him,  placidly  surveying  the  scene  of  preparation, 
a  meditative  spectator  might  have  possibly  compared 
him  to  the  hero  of  the  engraving  "  Moses  going  to  the 
fair,"  that  was  then  hanging  just  over  his  head;  for  no 
one  could  have  set  out  for  the  great  Oxford  booth  of 
this  Vanity  Fair  with  more  simplicity  and  trusting  con- 
liJence  than  Mr.  Verdant  Green. 


When  the  trunks  had  at  last  been  packed,  they  were 
then,  by  the  thoughtful  suggestion  of  Miss  Virginia, 
provided  each  with  a  canvas  covering,  after  the  manner 
of  the  luggage  of  females,  and  labelled  with  large 
direction-cards  filled  with  the  most  ample  particulars 
concerning  their  owner  and  his  destination. 

It  had  been  decided  that  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  instead 
of  reaching  Oxford  by  rail,  should  make  his  entrtc 


28   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

behind  the  four  horses  that  drew  the  Birmingham  and 
Oxford  coach, — one  of  the  few  four-horse  coaches 
that  still  ran  for  any  distance,1  and  which,  as  the  more 
pleasant  means  of  conveyance,  was  generally  patronised 
by  Mr.  Charles  Larkyns  in  preference  to  the  rail ;  for 
the  coach  passed  within  three  miles  of  the  Manor  Green, 
whereas  the  nearest  railway  was  at  a  much  greater  dis- 
tance, and  could  not  be  so  conveniently  reached.  Mr. 
Green  had  determined  upon  accompanying  Verdant  to 
Oxford,  that  he  might  have  the  satisfaction  of  seeing 
him  safely  landed  there,  and  might  also  himself  form  an 
acquaintance  with  a  city  of  which  he  had  heard  so 
much,  and  which  would  be  doubly  interesting  to  him 
now  that  his  son  was  enrolled  a  member  of  its  Univer- 
sity. Their  seats  had  been  secured  a  fortnight  previous, 
for  the  rector  had  told  Mr.  Green  that  so  many  men 
went  up  by  the  coach,  that  unless  he  made  an  early 
application,  he  would  altogether  fail  in  obtaining  places  ; 
so  a  letter  had  been  dispatched  to  "  the  Swan  "  coach- 
office  at  Birmingham,  from  which  place  the  coach 
started,  and  two  outside  seats  had  been  put  at  Mr. 
Green's  disposal. 

The  day  at  length  arrived  when  Mr.  Verdant  Green 
for  the  first  time  in  his  life  (on  any  important  occasion) 
was  to  leave  the  paternal  roof;  and  it  must  be  confessed 
that  it  was  a  proceeding  which  caused  him  some  anxi- 
ety, and  that  he  was  not  sorry  when  the  carriage  was 
at  the  door  to  bear  him  away,  before  (shall  it  be  con- 
fessed?) his  tears  had  got  the  mastery  over  him.  As  it 
was,  by  the  judicious  help  of  his  sisters  he  passed  the 

1  This  well-known  coach  ceased  to  run  between  Birmingham 
and  Oxford  in  the  last  week  of  August,  1852,  on  the  opening  of 
the  Birmingham  and  Oxford  Railway. 


AN   OXFORD    FRESHMAN. 


Rubicon  in  courageous  style,  and  went  through  the 
form  of  breakfast  with  the  greatest  hilarity,  although 
with  several  narrow  escapes  of  suffocation  from  choking. 
The  thought  that  he  was  going  to  be  an  Oxford  MAN 


fortunately  assisted  him  in  the  preservation  of  that  tran- 
quil dignity  and  careles*  ease  which  he  considered  to 
be  the  necessary  adjuncts  of  the  manly  character,  more 
especially  as  developed  in  that  peculiar  biped  he  was 
about  to  be  transformed  into ;  and  Mr.  Verdant  Green 
was  enabled  to  say  "Good-by"  with  a  firm  voice  and 
undimmed  spectacles. 


3O   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

All  crowded  to  the  door  to  have  a  last  shake  of  the 
hand ;  the  maid-servants  peeped  from  the  upper  win- 
dows ;  and  Miss  Virginia  sobbed  out  a  blessing,  which 
was  rendered  of  a  striking  and  original  character  by 
being  mixed  up  with  instructions  never  to  forget  what 
she  had  taught  him  in  his  Latin  grammar,  and  always  to  be 
careful  to  guard  against  the  toothache.  And  amid  the 
good-byes  and  write-oftcns  that  usually  accompany  a 
departure,  the  carriage  rolled  down  the  avenue  to  the 
lodge,  where  was  Mr.  Mole  the  gardener,  and  also  Mrs. 
Mole,  and,  moreover,  the  Mole  olive-branches,  all  gath- 
ered at  the  open  gate  to  say  farewell  to  the  young 
master.  And  just  as  they  were  about  to  mount  the  hill 
leading  out  of  the  village,  who  should  be  there  but  the 
rector  lying  in  wait  for  them  and  ready  to  walk  up  the 
hill  by  their  side,  and  say  a  few  kindly  words  at  parting. 
Well  might  Mr.  Verdant  Green  begin  to  regard  himself 
as  the  topic  of  the  village,  and  think  that  going  to 
Oxford  was  really  an  affair  of  some  importance. 

They  were  in  good  time  for  the  coach ;  and  the  ring- 
ing notes  of  the  guard's  bugle  made  them  aware  of  its 
approach  some  time  before  they  saw  it  rattling  merrily 
along  in  its  cloud  of  dust.  What  a  sight  it  was  when  it 
did  come  near !  The  cloud  that  had  enveloped  it  was 
discovered  to  be  not  dust  only,  but  smoke  from  the 
cigars,  meerschaums,  and  short  clay  pipes  of  a  full  com- 
plement of  gentlemen  passengers,  scarcely  one  of  whom 
seemed  to  have  passed  his  twentieth  year.  No  bonnet 
betokening  a  female  traveller  could  be  seen  either  inside 
or  out;  and  that  lady  was  indeed  lucky  who  escaped 
being  an  inside  passenger  on  the  following  day.  Noth- 
ing but  a  lapse  of  time,  or  the  complete  re-lining  of  the 
coach,  could  purify  it  from  the  attacks  of  the  four  gen- 


AN  OXFORD   FRESHMAN.  31 

tlemen  who  were  now  doing  their  best  to  convert  it  into 
a  divan ;  and  the  consumption  of  tobacco  on  that  day 
between  Birmingham  and  Oxford  must  have  materi- 
ally benefited  the  revenue.  The  passengers  were  not 
limited  to  the  two-legged  ones;  there  were  four-focted 
ones  also.  Sporting  dogs,  fancy  dogs,  ugly  dogs,  rat- 
killing  dogs,  short-haired  dogs,  long-haired  dogs,  dogs 
like  muffs,  dogs  like  mops,  dogs  of  all  colours  and  of  all 
breeds  and  sizes,  appeared  thrusting  out  their  black 
noses  from  all  parts  of  the  coach.  Portmanteaus  were 
piled  upon  the  roof;  gun-boxes  peeped  out  suspi- 
ciously here  and  there ;  bundles  of  sticks,  canes,  foils, 
fishing-rods,  and  whips,  appeared  strapped  together  in 
every  direction ;  while  all  round  about  the  coach, 

"  Like  a  swarth  Indian  with  his  belt  of  beads," 

hat-boxes  dangled  in  leathery  profusion.  The  Oxford 
coach  on  an  occasion  like  this  was  a  sight  to  be 
remembered. 

A  "  Wo-ho-ho,  my  beauties  !  "  brought  the  smoking 
wheelers  upon  their  haunches;  and  Jehu,  saluting  with 
his  elbow  and  whip  finger,  called  out  in  the  husky  voice 
peculiar  to  a  dram-drinker,  "  Are  you  the  two  houtside 
gents  for  Hoxfut?"  To  which  Mr.  Green  replied  in 
the  affirmative;  and  while  the  luggage  (the  canvas- 
covered,  ladylike  look  of  which  was  such  a  contrast  to 
that  of  the  other  passengers)  was  being  quickly  trans- 
ferred to  the  coach-top,  he  and  Verdant  ascended  to  the 
places  reserved  for  them  behind  the  coachman.  Mr. 
Green  saw  at  a  glance  that  all  the  passengers  were 
Oxford  men,  dressed  in  every  variety  of  Oxford  fashion, 
and  exhibiting  a  pleasing  diversity  of  Oxford  manners. 
Their  private  remarks  on  the  two  new-comers  were, 
like  stage  "  asides,"  perfectly  audible. 


32   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

"  Decided  case  of  governor  !  "  said  one. 

"  Undoubted  ditto  of  freshman  !  "  observed  another. 

"  Looks  ferociously  mild  in  his  gig-lamps  !  "  remarked 
a  third,  alluding  to  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  spectacles. 

"  And  jolly  green  all  over !  "  wound  up  a  fourth. 

Mr.  Green,  hearing  his  name  (as  he  thought)  men- 
tioned, turned  to  the  small  young  gentleman  who  had 
spoken,  and  politely  said,  "  Yes,  my  name  is  Green ; 
but  you  have  the  advantage  of  me,  sir." 

"  Oh!  have  I?  "  replied  the  young  gentleman  in  the 
most  affable  manner,  and  not  in  the  least  disconcerted ; 
"my  name 's  Bouncer;  I  remember  seeing  you  when  I 
was  a  babby.  How's  the  old  woman?  "  And  without 
waiting  to  hear  Mr.  Green  loftily  reply,  "  Mrs.  Green  — 
my  WIFE,  sir  —  is  quite  well  —  and  I  do  NOT  remember 
to  have  seen  you,  or  ever  heard  your  name,  sir !  "  — 
little  Mr.  Bouncer  made  some  most  unearthly  noises 
on  a  post-horn  as  tall  as  himself,  which  he  had  brought 
for  the  delectation  of  himself  and  his  friends,  and  the 
alarm  of  every  village  they  passed  through. 

"  Never  mind  the  dog,  sir,"  said  the  gentleman  who 
sat  between  Mr.  Bouncer  and  Mr.  Green ;  "  he  won't 
hurt  you.  It's  only  his  play;  he  always  takes  notice 
of  strangers." 

"  But  he  is  tearing  my  trousers,"  expostulated  Mr. 
Green,  who  was  by  no  means  partial  to  the  "  play  "  of 
a  thorough-bred  terrier. 

"  Ah !  he 's  an  uncommon  sensible  dog,"  observed 
his  master;  "  he's  always  on  the  look-out  for  rats  every 
where.  It's  the  Wellington  boots  that  does  it;  he's 
accustomed  to  have  a  rat  put  into  a  boot,  and  he 
worries  it  out  how  he  can.  I  dare  say  he  thinks  you  've 
got  one  in  yours." 


AN  OXFORD    FRESHMAN.  33 

"  But  I  've  got  nothing  of  the  sort,  sir ;  and  I  must 
request  you  to  keep  your  dog — "  A  violent  fit  of 
coughing,  caused  by  a  well-directed  volley  of  smoke 
from  his  neighbour's  lips,  put  a  stop  to  Mr.  Green's 
expostulations. 

"  I  hope  my  weed  is  no  annoyance?  "  said  the  gentle- 
man ;  "  if  it  is,  I  will  throw  it  away." 

To  which  piece  of  politeness  Mr.  Green  could,  of 
course,  only  reply,  between  fits  of  coughing,  "  Not  in 
the  least,  I  —  assure  you,  —  I  am  very  fond  —  of 
tobacco  —  in  the  open  air." 

"  Then  I  dare  say  you  '11  do  as  we  are  doing,  and 
smoke  a  weed  yourself,"  said  the  gentleman,  as  he 
offered  Mr.  Green  a  plethoric  cigar-case.  But  Mr. 
Green's  expression  of  approbation  regarding  tobacco 
was  simply  theoretical;  so  he  treated  his  neighbour's 
offer  as  magazine  editors  do  the  Mss.  of  unknown  con- 
tributors, —  it  was  "  declined  with  thanks." 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  had  already  had  to  make  a  similar 
reply  to  a  like  proposal  on  the  part  of  his  left-hand 
neighbour,  who  was  now  expressing  violent  admiration 
for  our  hero's  top-coat. 

"Ain't  that  a  good  style  of  coat,  Charley?"  he  ob- 
served to  his  neighbour.  "  I  wish  I  'd  seen  it  before  I 
got  this  over-coat !  There  's  something  sensible  about 
a  real,  unadulterated  top-coat ;  and  there  's  a  style  in 
the  way  in  which  they  Ve  let  down  the  skirts,  and  put 
on  the  velvet  collar  and  cuffs  regardless  of  expense, 
that  really  quite  goes  to  one's  heart.  Now  I  dare  say 
the  man  that  built  that,"  he  said,  more  particularly  ad- 
dressing the  owner  of  the  coat,  "  condescends  to  live  in 
a  village,  and  waste  his  sweetness  on  the  desert  air, 
while  a  noble  field  might  be  found  for  his  talent  in  a 
3 


34   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

University   town.     That  coat  will  make  quite  a  sensa- 
tion in  Oxford.     Won't  it,  Charley?  " 

And  when  Charley,  quoting  a  popular  actor  (totally 
unknown  to  our  hero),  said,  "  I  believe  you,  my  bo-oy," 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  began  to  feel  quite  proud  of  the 
abilities  of  their  village  tailor,  and  thought  what  two 
delightful  companions  he  had  met  with.  The  rest  of 
the  journey  further  cemented  (as  he  thought)  their 
friendship ;  so  that  he  was  fairly  astonished  when,  on 
meeting  them  the  next  day,  they  stared  him  full  in  the 
face,  and  passed  on  without  taking  any  more  notice  of 
him.  But  freshmen  cannot  learn  the  mysteries  of  col- 
lege etiquette  in  a  day. 

However,  we  are  anticipating.  They  had  not  yet  got 
to  Oxford,  though  from  the  pace  at  which  they  were 
going,  it  appeared  as  if  they  would  soon  reach  there ; 
for  the  coachman  had  given  up  his  seat  and  the  reins 
to  the  box-passenger,  who  appeared  to  be  as  used  to 
the  business  as  the  coachman  himself;  and  he  was  now 
driving  them  not  only  in  a  most  scientific  manner,  but 
also  at  a  great  pace.  Mr.  Green  was  not  particularly 
pleased  with  the  change  in  the  four-wheeled  govern- 
ment; but  when  they  went  down  hill  at  a  quick  trot, 
the  heavy  luggage  making  the  coach  rock  to  and  fro 
with  the  speed,  his  fears  increased  painfully.  They 
culminated  as  the  trot  increased  into  a  canter,  and  then 
broke  into  a  gallop  as  they  swept  along  the  level  road 
at  the  bottom  of  the  hill,  and  rattled  up  the  rise  of 
another.  As  the  horses  walked  over  the  brow  of  the 
hill,  with  smoking  flanks  and  jingling  harness,  Mr. 
Green  recovered  sufficient  breath  to  expostulate  with 
the  coachman  for  suffering — "a  mere  lad,"  he  was 
about  to  say,  but  fortunately  checked  himself  in  time. 


ST  "N 


•*  /v^     — *="         V\  *— "S^         ^5^V 


36   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

—  for  suffering  any  one  else  than  the  regular  driver  to 
have  the  charge  of  the  coach. 

"  You  never  fret  yourself  about  that,  sir,"  replied  the 
man ;  "  I  knows  my  bis'ness,  as  well  as  my  dooties  to 
self  and  purprietors,  and  I  'd  never  go  for  to  give  up 
the  ribbins  to  any  party  but  wot  had  showed  hisself 
fitted  to  'andle  'em.  And  I  think  I  may  say  this  for 
the  genelman  as  has  got  'em  now,  that  he 's  fit  to  be 
fust  vip  to  the  Queen  herself;  and  I  'm  proud  to  call 
him  my  people.  Why,  sir,  if  his  honour  here  will 
pardon  me  for  makin'  so  free  —  this  'ere  gent  is  Four- 
in-hand  Fosbrooke,  of  which  you  must  have  heerd  on." 

Mr.  Green  replied  that  he  had  not  had  that  pleasure. 

"Ah!  a  pleasure  you  may  call  it,  sir,  with  parfect 
truth,"  replied  the  coachman ;  "  but,  lor  bless  me,  sir, 
weer  can  you  have  lived  ?  " 

The  "  poople, "  who  had  listened  to  this,  highly 
amused,  slightly  turned  his  head,  and  said  to  Mr. 
Green,  "  Pray  don't  feel  any  alarm,  sir;  I  believe  you 
are  quite  safe  under  my  guidance.  This  is  not  the  first 
time  by  many  that  I  have  driven  this  coach,  —  not  to 
mention  others  ;  and  you  may  conclude  that  I  should 
not  have  gained  the  sobriquet  to  which  my  worthy  friend 
has  alluded  without  having  some  pretensions  to  a  know- 
ledge of  the  art  of  driving." 

Mr.  Green  murmured  his  apologies  for  his  mis- 
trust, expressed  perfect  faith  in  Mr.  Fosbrooke's  skill, 
and  then  lapsed  into  silent  meditation  on  the  vari- 
ous arts  and  sciences  in  which  the  gentlemen  of  the 
University  of  Oxford  seemed  to  be  most  proficient,  and 
pictured  to  himself  what  would  be  his  feelings  if  he  ever 
came  to  see  Verdant  driving  a  coach  !  There  certainly 
did  not  appear  to  be  much  probability  of  such  an  event; 


AN   OXFORD   FRESHMAN.  37 

but  can  any  paterfamilias  say  what  even  the  most  care- 
fully brought  up  young  Hopeful  will  do  when  he  has 
arrived  at  years  of  indiscretion? 

Altogether,  Mr.  Green  did  not  particularly  enjoy  the 
journey.  Besides  the  dogs  and  cigars,  which  to  him 
were  equal  nuisances,  little  Mr.  Bouncer  was  perpetu- 
ally producing  unpleasant  post-horn  effects, —  which  he 
called  "  sounding  his  octaves,"  -  —  and  destroying  the  ef- 
fect of  the  airs  on  the  guard's  key-bugle,  by  joining  in 
them  at  improper  times  and  with  discordant  measures. 
Mr.  Green,  too,  could  not  but  perceive  that  the  major- 
ity of  the  conversation  that  was  addressed  to  himself 
and  his  son  (though  more  particularly  to  the  latter), 
although  couched  in  politest  form,  was  yet  of  a  ten- 
dency calculated  to  "  draw  them  out "  for  the  amusement 
of  their  fellow-passengers.  He  also  observed  that  the 
young  gentlemen  severally  exhibited  great  capacity  for 
the  beer  of  Bass  and  the  porter  of  Guinness,  and  were 
not  averse  even  to  liquids  of  a  more  spirituous  descrip- 
tion. Moreover,  Mr.  Green  remarked  that  the  minister- 
ing Hebes  were  invariably  addressed  by  their  Christian 
names,  and  were  familiarly  conversed  with  as  old  acquain- 
tances ;  most  of  them  receiving  direct  offers  of  marriage, 
or  the  option  of  putting  up  the  banns  on  any  Sunday 
in  the  middle  of  the  week ;  while  the  inquiries  after 
their  grandmothers  and  the  various  members  of  their 
family  circles  were  both  numerous  and  gratifying.  In 
all  these  verbal  encounters  little  Mr.  Bouncer  particu- 
larly distinguished  himself. 

Woodstock  was  reached  :  "  Four-in-hand  Fosbrooke  " 
gave  up  the  reins  to  the  professional  Jehu ;  and  at  last 
the  towers,  spires,  and  domes  of  Oxford  appeared  in 
sight.  The  first  view  of  the  City  of  Colleges  is  always 


38   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

one  that  will  be  long  remembered.  Even  the  railway 
traveller,  who  enters  by  the  least  imposing  approach, 
and  can  scarcely  see  that  he  is  in  Oxford  before  he  has 
reached  Folly  Bridge,  must  yet  regard  the  city  with 
mingled  feelings  of  delight  and  surprise  as  he  looks 
across  the  Christ  Church  Meadows  and  rolls  past  the 
Tom  Tower.  But  he  who  approaches  Oxford  from 


the  Henley  Road,  and  looks  upon  that  unsurpassed 
prospect  from  Magdalen  Bridge,  —  or  he  who  enters 
the  city,  as  Mr.  Green  did,  from  the  Woodstock  Road, 
and  rolls  down  the  shady  avenue  of  St.  Giles',  between 
St.  John's  College  and  the  Taylor  Buildings,  and  passes 
the  graceful  Martyrs'  Memorial,  will  receive  impressions 
such  as  probably  no  other  city  in  the  world  could 
convey. 


AN   OXFORD   FRESHMAN.  39 

As  the  coach  clattered  down  the  Corn-market,  and 
turned  the  corner  by  Carfax  into  High  Street,  Mr. 
Bouncer,  having  been  compelled,  in  deference  to  Uni- 
versity scruples,  to  lay  aside  his  post-horn,  was  consol- 
ing himself  by  chanting  the  following  words,  selected 
probably  in  compliment  to  Mr.  Verdant  Green :  — 

"  To  Oxford,  a  Freshman  so  modest, 
I  enter'd  one  morning  In  March ; 
And  the  figure  I  cut  was  the  oddest  — 
All  spectacles,  choker,  and  starch. 

Whack  fol  lol,  lol  iddity,  &c. 

From  the  top  of  '  the  Royal  Defiance,' 

Jack  Adams,  who  coaches  so  well, 
Set  me  down  in  these  regions  of  science, 

In  front  of  the  Mitre  Hotel. 

Whack  fol  lol,  lol  iddity,  &c. 

'  Sure  never  man's  prospects  were  brighter,' 
I  said,  as  I  jumped  from  my  perch ; 

'  So  quickly  arrived  at  the  Mitre, 

Oh,  I  'm  sure  to  get  on  in  the  Church  ! ' 

Whack  fol  lol,  lol  iddity,  &c." 

By  the  time  Mr  Bouncer  finished  these  words,  the 
coach  appropriately  drew  up  at  the  "  Mitre,"  and  the 
passengers  tumbled  off  amid  a  knot  of  gownsmen  col- 
lected on  the  pavement  to  receive  them.  But  no  sooner 
were  Mr.  Green  and  our  hero  set  down,  than  they  were 
attacked  by  a  horde  of  the  aborigines  of  Oxford,  who, 
knowing  by  vulture-like  sagacity  the  aspect  of  a  fresh- 
man and  his  governor,  swooped  down  upon  them  in  the 
guise  of  impromptu  porters,  and  made  an  indiscriminate 
attack  upon  the  luggage.  It  was  only  by  the  display 
of  the  greatest  presence  of  mind  that  Mr.  Verdant  Green 


40   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

recovered  his  effects,  and  prevented  his  canvas-covered 
boxes  from  being  carried  off  in  the  wheel-barrows  that 
were  trundling  off  in  all  directions  to  the  various 
colleges. 

But  at  last  all  were  safely  secured.     And  soon,  when 
a  snug  dinner  had  been  discussed  in  a  quiet  room,  and 


a  bottle  of  the  famous  (though  I  have  heard  some  call 
it  "  in-famous ")  Oxford  port  had  been  produced,  Mr. 
Green,  under  its  kindly  influence,  opened  his  heart  to 
his  son,  and  gave  him  much  advice  as  to  his  forthcom- 
ing University  career ;  being,  of  course,  well  calculated 
to  do  this  from  his  intimate  acquaintance  with  the 
subject. 


AN   OXFORD   FRESHMAN.  4! 

Whether  it  was  the  extra  glass  of  port,  or  whether  it 
was  the  nature  of  his  father's  discourse,  or  whether  it 
was  the  novelty  of  his  situation,  or  whether  it  was  all 
these  circumstances  combined,  yet  certain  it  was  that 
Mr.  Verdant  Green's  first  night  in  Oxford  was  distin- 
guished by  a  series,  or  rather  confusion,  of  most  re- 
markable dreams,  in  which  bishops,  archbishops,  and 
hobgoblins  elbowed  one  another  for  precedence ;  a 
beneficent  female  crowned  him  with  laurel,  while  Fame 
lustily  proclaimed  the  honours  he  had  received,  and 
unrolled  the  class-list  in  which  his  name  had  first  rank. 

Sweet  land  of  visions,  that  will  with  such  ease  confer 
even  a  treble  first  upon  the  weary  sleeper,  why  must  he 
awake  from  thy  gentle  thraldom,  to  find  the  class-list  a 
stern  reality,  and  Graduateship  too  often  but  an  empty 
dream ! 


42   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 


CHAPTER  IV. 

MR.  VERDANT  GREEN  BECOMES  AN  OXFORD  UNDER- 
GRADUATE. 

MR.  VERDANT  GREEN  arose  in 
the  morning  more  or  less  re- 
freshed ;  and  after  breakfast 
proceeded  with  his  father  to 
Brazenface  College  to  call  upon 
the  Master ;  the  porter  directed 
them  where  to  go,  and  they 
sent  up  their  cards.  Dr.  Port- 
man  was  at  home,  and  they 
were  soon  introduced  to  his 
presence. 

Instead  of  the  stern,  impos- 
ing-looking personage  that  Mr. 
Verdant  Green  had  expected  to 
see  in  the  ruler  among  dons, 
and  the  terror  of  offending  un- 
dergraduates, the  master  of 
Brazenface  was  a  mild-looking 

old  gentleman,  with  an  inoffensive  amiability  of  expres- 
sion and  a  shy,  retiring  manner  that  seemed  to  intimate 
that  he  was  more  alarmed  at  the  strangers  than  they 
had  need  to  be  at  him.  Dr.  Portman  seemed  to  be 
quite  a  part  of  his  college,  for  he  had  passed  the  great- 
est portion  of  his  life  there.  He  had  graduated  there, 


AN   OXFORD   FRESHMAN.  43 

he  had  taken  Scholarships  there,  he  had  even  gained 
a  prize-poem  there;  he  had  been  elected  a  Fellow 
there,  he  had  become  a  Tutor  there,  he  had  been  Proc- 
tor and  College  Dean  there;  there,  during  the  long 
vacations,  he  had  written  his  celebrated  "  Disquisition 
on  the  Greek  Particles,"  afterwards  published  in  eight 
octavo  volumes;  and  finally,  there  he  had  been  elected 
Master  of  his  college,  in  which  office,  honoured  and 
respected,  he  appeared  likely  to  end  his  days.  He  was 
unmarried ;  perhaps  he  had  never  found  time  to  think 
of  a  wife ;  perhaps  he  had  never  had  the  courage  to 
propose  for  one;  perhaps  he  had  met  with  early 
crosses  and  disappointments,  and  had  shrined  in  his 
heart  a  fair  image  that  should  never  be  displaced. 
Who  knows?  for  dons  are  mortals,  and  have  been 
undergraduates  once. 

The  little  hair  he  had  was  of  a  silvery  white,  although 
his  eyebrows  retained  their  black  hue;  and  to  judge 
from  the  fine  fresh-colored  features  and  the  dark  eyes 
that  were  now  nervously  twinkling  upon  Mr.  Green, 
Dr.  Portman  must,  in  his  more  youthful  days,  have  had 
an  ample  share  of  good  looks.  He  was  dressed  in  an 
old-fashioned  reverend  suit  of  black,  with  knee-breeches 
and  gaiters,  and  a  massive  watch-seal  dangling  from 
under  his  waistcoat,  and  was  deep  in  the  study  of  his 
favourite  particles.  He  received  our  hero  and  his  father 
both  nervously  and  graciously,  and  bade  them  be  seated. 

"  I  shall  al-ways,"  he  said,  in  monosyllabic  tones,  as 
though  he  were  reading  out  of  a  child's  primer,  —  "I 
shall  al-ways  be  glad  to  see  any  of  the  young  friends  of 
my  old  col-lege  friend  Lar-kyns ;  and  I  do  re-joice  to 
be  a-ble  to  serve  you,  Mis-ter  Green ;  and  I  hope  your 
son,  Mis-ter,  Mis-ter  Vir Vir-gin-ius —  " 


44   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

"  Verdant,  Dr.  Portman,"  interrupted  Mr.  Green,  sug- 
gestively, "  Verdant." 

"  Oh !  true,  true,  true  !  and  I  do  hope  that  he  will  be 
a  ve-ry  good  young  man,  and  try  to  do  hon-our  to  his 
col-lege." 

"  I  trust  he  will,  indeed,  sir,"  replied  Mr.  Green;  "  it 
is  the  great  wish  of  my  heart.  And  I  am  sure  that  you 


JJ 


will  find  my  son  both  quiet  and  orderly  in  his  conduct, 
regular  in  his  duties,  and  always  in  bed  by  ten  o'clock." 

"  Well,  I  hope  so  too,  Mis-ter  Green,"  said  Dr.  Port- 
man, monosyllabically ;  "  but  all  the  young  gen-tle-men 
do  pro-mise  to  be  reg-ular  and  or-der-ly  when  they  first 
come  up,  but  a  term  makes  a  great  dif-fer-ence.  But 
I  dare  say  my  young  friend  Mis-ter  Vir-gin-ius  —  " 

"  Verdant,"  smilingly  suggested  Mr.  Green. 


AN   OXFORD   FRESHMAN.  45 

;I  beg  your  par-don,"  apologised  Dr.  Portman; 
!<  but  I  dare  say  that  he  will  do  as  you  say,  for  in-deed 
my  friend  Lar-kyns  speaks  well  of  him." 

"  I  am  delighted  —  proud  !  "  murmured  Mr.  Green, 
while  Verdant  felt  himself  blushing  up  to  his  spectacles. 

"We  are  ve-ry  full,"  Dr.  Portman  went  on  to  say, 
"  but  as  I  do  ex-pect  great  things  from  Mis-ter  Vir-gin 

Verdant,  Verdant,  I  have  put  some  rooms  at  his 

ser-vice;  and  if  you  would  like  to  see  them,  my  ser- 
vant shall  show  you  the  way."  The  servant  was  accord- 
ingly summoned,  and  received  orders  to  that  effect; 
while  the  Master  told  Verdant  that  he  must,  at  two 
o'clock,  present  himself  to  Mr.  Slowcoach,  his  tutor, 
who  would  examine  him  for  his  matriculation. 

"  I  am  sor-ry,  Mis-ter  Green,"  said  Dr.  Portman, 
"  that  my  engage-ments  will  pre-vent  me  from  ask-ing 
you  and  Mis-ter  Virg — Ver-dant,  to  dine  with  me  to- 
day ;  but  I  do  hope  that  the  next  time  you  come  to 
Ox-ford  I  shall  be  more  for-tu-nate." 

Old  John,  the  Common-room  man,  who  had  heard 
this  speech  made  to  hundreds  of  "  governors,"  through 
many  generations  of  freshmen,  could  not  repress  a  few 
pantomimic  asides,  that  were  suggestive  of  any  thing 
but  full  credence  in  his  master's  words.  But  Mr.  Green 
was  delighted  with  Dr.  Portman's  affability,  and  per- 
ceiving that  the  interview  was  at  an  end,  made  his  cong/, 
and  left  the  Master  of  Brazenface  to  his  Greek  particles. 

They  had  just  got  outside,  when  the  servant  said, 
"  Oh,  there  is  the  scout !  Your  scout,  sir !  "  at  which 
our  hero  blushed  from  the  consciousness  of  his  new 
dignity ;  and,  by  way  of  appearing  at  his  ease,  inquired 
the  scout's  name. 

"Robert  Filcher,  sir,"  replied  the  servant;   "but  the 


46   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR  VERDANT  GREEN, 

gentlemen  always  call  'em  by  their  Christian  names." 
And  beckoning  the  scout  to  him,  he  bade  him  show  the 
gentlemen  to  the  rooms  kept  for  Mr.  Verdant  Green, 
and  then  took  himself  back  to  the  Master. 


Mr.  Robert  Filcher  might  perhaps  have  been  forty 
years  of  age,  perhaps  fifty ;  there  was  cunning  enough 
in  his  face  to  fill  even  a  century  of  wily  years;  and 
there  was  a  depth  of  expression  in  his  look,  as  he  asked 
our  hero  if  he  was  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  that  proclaimed 
his  custom  of  reading  a  freshman  at  a  glance.  Mr. 
Filcher  was  laden  with  coats  and  boots  that  had  just 
been  brushed  and  blacked  for  their  respective  masters; 


AN   OXFORD   FRESHMAN.  47 

and  he  was  bearing  a  jug  of  Buttery  ale  (they  are 
renowned  for  their  ale  at  Brazenface)  to  the  gentleman 
who  owned  the  pair  of  "  tops  "  that  were  now  flashing 
in  the  sun  as  they  dangled  from  the  scout's  hand. 

"  Please  to  follow  me,  gentlemen,"  he  said ;  "  it 's 
only  just  across  the  quad.  Third  floor,  No.  4  staircase, 
fust  quad  ;  that 's  about  the  mark,  /  think,  sir." 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  glanced  curiously  round  the 
Quadrangle,  with  its  picturesque  irregularity  of  outline, 
its  towers  and  turrets  and  battlements,  its  grey  time- 
eaten  walls,  its  rows  of  mullioned  heavy-headed  win- 
dows, and  the  quiet  cloistered  air  that  spoke  of  study 
and  reflection ;  and  perceiving  on  one  side  a  row  of 
large  windows,  with  great  buttresses  between,  and  a 
species  of  steeple  on  the  high-pitched  roof,  he  made 
bold  (just  to  try  the  effect)  to  address  Mr.  Filcher  by 
the  name  assigned  to  him  at  an  early  period  of  his  life 
by  his  godfathers  and  godmothers,  and  inquired  if  that 
building  was  the  chapel. 

"  No,  sir,"  replied  Robert,  "  that  there  's  the  'All,  sir, 
that  is, — where  you  dines,  sir,  leastways  when  you 
ain't  '  .^Eger,'  or  elseweer.  That  at  the  top  is  the  lan- 
tern, sir,  that  is ;  called  so  because  it  never  has  no 
candle  in  it.  The  chapel 's  the  hopposite  side,  sir. 
Please  not  to  walk  on  the  grass,  sir;  there  's  a  fine  agin 
it,  unless  you  're  a  Master.  This  way  if  you  please, 
gentlemen  !  "  Thus  the  scout  beguiled  them,  as  he  led 
them  to  an  open  doorway  with  a  large  4  painted  over 
it;  inside  was  a  door  on  either  hand,  while  a  coal-bin 
displayed  its  black  face  from  under  a  staircase  that  rose 
immediately  before  them.  Up  this  they  went,  following 
the  scout  (who  had  vanished  for  a  moment  with  the 
boots  and  beer);  and  when  they  had  passed  the  first 


48   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

floor,  they  found  the  ascent  by  no  means  easy  to  the 
body  or  pleasant  to  the  sight  The  once  white-washed 
walls  were  coated  with  the  uncleansed  dust  of  the  three 
past  terms ;  and  where  the  plaster  had  not  been  chipped 
off  by  flying  porter-bottles  or  the  heels  of  Wellington 
boots,  its  surface  had  afforded  an  irresistible  temptation 


to  those  imaginative  undergraduates  who  displayed  their 
artistic  genius  in  candle-smoke  cartoons  of  the  heads  of 
the  University,  and  other  popular  and  unpopular  char- 
acters. All  Mr.  Green's  caution,  as  he  crept  up  the 
dark,  twisting  staircase,  could  not  prevent  him  from 
crushing  his  hat  against  the  low,  cobwebbed  ceiling, 
and  he  gave  vent  to  a  very  strong  but  quiet  anathema, 
which  glided  quietly  and  audibly  into  the  remark, 
"  Confounded  awkward  staircase,  I  think !  " 


AN   OXFORD   FRESHMAN.  49 

"Just  what  Mr.  Bouncer  says,"  replied  the  scout, 
"  although  he  don't  reach  so  high  as  you,  sir ;  but  he 
do  say,  sir,  when  he  comes  home  pleasant  at  night  from 
some  wine-party,  that  it  is  the  aukardest  staircase  as 
was  ever  put  before  a  gentleman's  legs.  And  he  did 
go  so  far,  sir,  as  to  ask  the  Master,  if  it  would  n't  be 
better  to  have  a  staircase  as  would  go  up  of  hisself,  and 
take  the  gentlemen  up  with  it,  like  one  as  they  has  at 
some  public  show  in  London,  —  the  Call-and-see-em,  I 
think  he  said." 

"  The  Colosseum,  probably,"  suggested  Mr.  Green. 
"  And  what  did  Dr.  Portman  say  to  that,  pray?" 

"  Why,  he  said,  sir,  —  leastways  so  Mr.  Bouncer 
reported,  —  that  it  worn't  by  no  means  a  bad  idea,  and 
that  p'raps  Mr.  Bouncer  'd  find  it  done  in  six  months' 
time,  when  he  come  back  again  from  the  country.  For 
you  see,  sir,  Mr.  Bouncer  had  made  hisself  so  pleasant, 
that  he  'd  been  and  got  the  porter  out  o'  bed,  and 
corked  his  face  dreadful ;  and  then,  sir,  he  'd  been  and 
got  a  Hinn-board  from  somewhere  out  of  the  town, 
and  hung  it  on  the  Master's  private  door;  so  that  when 
they  went  to  early  chapel  in  the  morning,  they  read  as 
how  the  Master  was  '  licensed  to  sell  beer  by  retail,'  and 
'  to  be  drunk  on  the  premises.'  So  when  the  Master 
came  to  know  who  it  was  as  did  it,  which  in  course  the 
porter  told  him,  he  said  as  how  Mr.  Bouncer  had  better 
go  down  into  the  country  for  a  year,  for  change  of  hair, 
and  to  visit  his  friends." 

"  Very  kind  indeed  of  Dr.  Portman,"  said  our  hero, 
who  missed  the  moral  of  the  story,  and  took  the  rusti- 
cation for  a  kind  forgiveness  of  injuries. 

"  Just  what  Mr.  Bouncer  said,  sir,"  replied  the  scout ; 
"  he  said  it  were  pertickler  kind  and  thoughtful.  This 
4 


5O   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

is  his  room,  sir;  he  come  up  on'y  yesterday."  And  he 
pointed  to  a  door,  above  which  was  painted  in  white 
letters  on  a  black  ground,  "  BOUNCER." 

"  Why,"  said  Mr.  Green  to  his  son,  "  now  I  think  of 
it,  Bouncer  was  the  name  of  that  short  young  gentleman 
who  came  with  us  on  the  coach  yesterday,  and  made 
himself  so  —  so  unpleasant  with  a  tin  horn." 

"That's  the  gent,  sir,"  observed  the  scout;  "that's 
Mr.  Bouncer,  agoing  the  complete  unicorn,  as  he  calls 
it.  I  dare  say  you  '11  find  him  a  pleasant  neighbour, 
sir.  Your  rooms  is  next  to  his." 

With  some  doubts  of  these  prospective  pleasures,  the 
Mr.  Greens,/^  et  fits,  entered  through  a  double  door 
painted  over  the  outside  with  the  name  of"  SMALLS ;  "  to 
which  Mr.  Filcher  directed  our  hero's  attention  by  say- 
ing, "  You  can  have  that  name  took  out,  sir,  and  your 
own  name  painted  in.  Mr.  Smalls  has  just  moved  his- 
self  to  the  other  quad,  and  that 's  why  the  rooms  is 
vacant,  sir." 

Mr.  Filcher  then  went  on  to  point  out  the  properties 
and  capabilities  of  the  rooms,  and  also  their  mechanical 
contrivances. 

"  This  is  the  hoak,  this  'ere  outer  door  is,  sir,  which 
the  gentlemen  sports,  that  is  to  say,  shuts,  sir,  when 
they  're  a  readin'.  Not  as  Mr.  Smalls  ever  hinterfered 
with  his  constitootion  by  too  much  'ard  study,  sir ;  he 
only  sported  his  hoak  when  people  used  to  get  trouble- 
some about  their  little  bills.  Here  's  a  place  for  coals, 
sir,  though  Mr.  Smalls,  he  kept  his  bull-terrier  there, 
which  was  agin  the  regulations,  as  you  know,  sir." 
(Verdant  nodded  his  head,  as  though  he  were  perfectly 
aware  of  the  fact.)  "  This  'ere  's  your  bed-room,  sir. 
Very  small,  did  you  say,  sir?  Oh,  no,  sir;  not  by  no 


AN  OXFORD   FRESHMAN.  51 

means !  We  thinks  that  in  college  reether  a  biggish 
bed-room,  sir.  Mr.  Smalls  thought  so,  sir,  and  he  's 
in  his  second  year,  he  is."  (Mr.  Filcher  thoroughly 
understood  the  science  of  "  flooring  "  a  freshman.) 

"  This  is  my  room,  sir,  this  is,  for  keepin'  your  cups 
and  saucers,  and  wine-glasses  and  tumblers,  and  them 
sort  o'  things,  and  vvashin'  'em  up  when  you  wants  'em. 
If  you  likes  to  keep  your  wine  and  sperrits  here,  sir,  — 
Mr.  Smalls  always  did,  —  you  '11  find  it  a  nice  cool  place, 
sir:  or  else  here's  this  'ere  winder-seat;  you  see,  sir,  it 
opens  with  a  lid,  'andy  for  the  purpose." 

"  If  you  act  upon  that  suggestion,  Verdant,"  remarked 
Mr.  Green  aside  to  his  son,  "  I  trust  that  a  lock  will  be 
added." 

There  was  not  a  superfluity  of  furniture  in  the  room; 
and  Mr.  Smalls  having  conveyed  away  the  luxurious 
part  of  it,  that  which  was  left  had  more  of  the  useful 
than  the  ornamental  character;  but  as  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  was  no  Sybarite,  this  point  was  but  of  little  con- 
sequence. The  window  looked  with  a  sunny  aspect 
down  upon  the  quad,  and  over  the  opposite  buildings 
were  seen  the  spires  of  churches,  the  dome  of  the  Rad- 
cliffe,  and  the  gables,  pinnacles,  and  turrets  of  other 
colleges.  This  was  pleasant  enough:  pleasanter  than 
the  stale  odours  of  the  Virginian  weed  that  rose  from 
the  faded  green  window-curtains,  and  from  the  old  Kid- 
derminster carpet  that  had  been  charred  and  burnt  into 
holes  with  the  fag-ends  of  cigars. 

"Well,  Verdant,"  said  Mr.  Green,  when  they  had 
completed  their  inspection,  "  the  rooms  are  not  so  very 
bad,  and  I  think  you  may  be  able  to  make  yourself 
comfortable  in  them.  But  I  wish  they  were  not  so  high 
up.  I  don't  see  how  you  can  escape  if  a  fire  was  to 


52    THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

break  out,  and  I  am  afraid  collegians  must  be  very  care- 
less on  these  points.  Indeed,  your  mother  made  me 
promise  that  I  would  speak  to  Dr.  Portman  about  it, 
and  ask  him  to  please  to  allow  your  tutor,  or  somebody, 
to  see  that  your  fire  was  safely  raked  out  at  night ;  and 
I  had  intended  to  have  done  so,  but  somehow  it  quite 
escaped  me.  How  your  mother  and  all  at  home  would 
like  to  see  you  in  your  own  college  room !  "  And  the 
thoughts  of  father  and  son  flew  back  to  the  Manor 
Green  and  its  occupants,  who  were  doubtless  at  the 
same  time  thinking  of  them. 

Mr.  Filcher  then  explained  the  system  of  thirds,  by 
which  the  furniture  of  the  room  was  to  be  paid  for; 
and  having  accompanied  his  future  master  and  Mr. 
Green  downstairs,  the  latter  accomplishing  the  descent 
not  without  difficulty  and  contusions,  and  having  pointed 
out  the  way  to  Mr.  Slowcoach's  rooms,  Mr.  Robert 
Filcher  relieved  his  feelings  by  indulging  in  a  ballet  of 
action,  or  pas  d'extase;  in  which  poetry  of  motion 
he  declared  his  joy  at  the  last  valuable  addition  to 
Brazenface  and  his  own  perquisites. 

Mr.  Slowcoach  was  within,  and  would  see  Mr.  Ver- 
dant Green.  So  that  young  gentleman,  trembling  with 
agitation,  and  feeling  as  though  he  would  have  given 
pounds  for  the  staircase  to  have  been  as  high  as  that  of 
Babel,  followed  the  servant  upstairs,  and  left  his  father, 
in  almost  as  great  a  state  of  nervousness,  pacing  the 
quad,  below.  But  it  was  not  the  formidable  affair,  nor 
was  Mr.  Slowcoach  the  formidable  man,  that  Mr.  Ver- 
dant Green  had  anticipated  ;  and  by  the  time  that  he  had 
turned  a  piece  of  "  Spectator  "  into  Latin,  our  hero  had 
somewhat  recovered  his  usual  equanimity  of  mind  arid 
serenity  of  expression :  and  the  construing  of  half  a 


AN   OXFORD   FRESHMAN. 


53 


dozen  lines  of  Livy  and  Homer,  and  the  answering  of 
a  few  questions,  was  a  mere  form;  for  Mr.  Slowcoach's 
long  practice  enabled  him  to  see  in  a  very  few  minutes 
if  the  freshman  before  him  (however  nervous  he  might 
be)  had  the  usual  average  of  abilities,  and  was  up  to  the 
business  of  lectures.  So  Mr.  Verdant  Green  was  soon 
dismissed,  and  returned  to  his  father  radiant  and  happy. 


54   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 


CHAPTER  V. 


MR.   VERDANT   GREEN   MATRICULATES,    AND  MAKES  A 
SENSATION. 

As  they  went  out  at  the 
gate,  they  inquired  of  the 
porter  for  Mr.  Charles 
Larky ns,  but  they  found 
that  he  had  not  yet  re- 
turned from  the  friend's 
house  where  he  had  been 
during  the  vacation;  where- 
upon Mr.  Green  said  that 
they  would  go  and  look  at 
the  Oxford  lions,  so  that  he 
might  be  able  to  answer 
any  of  the  questions  that 
should  be  put  to  him  on 
his  return.  They  soon 
found  a  guide,  one  of  those 
wonderful  people  to  which 
show-places  give  birth,  and 

of  whom  Oxford  can  boast  a  very  goodly  average ; 
and  under  this  gentleman's  guidance  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  made  his  first  acquaintance  with  the  fair  out- 
side of  his  Alma  Mater. 


AN   OXFORD   FRESHMAN.  55 

The  short,  thick  stick  of  the  guide  served  to  direct 
attention  to  the  various  objects  he  enumerated  in  his 
rapid  career.  "  This  here 's  Christ  Church  College," 
he  said,  as  he  trotted  them  down  St.  Aldate's,  "  built  by 
Card'nal  Hoolsy  four  underd  feet  long  and  the  famous 


Tom  Tower  as  tolls  wun  underd  and  wun  hevery  night, 
that  being  the  number  of  stoodents  on  the  foundation ;  " 
and  thus  the  guide  went  on,  perfectly  independent  of 
the  artificial  trammels  of  punctuation,  and  not  particular 
whether  his  hearers  understood  him  or  not:  that  was 
not  his  business.  And  as  it  was  that  gentleman's  boast 
that  he  "  could  do  the  alls,  collidges,  and  principal 


56   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 


hedifices  in  a  nour  and  a  naff,"  it  could  not  be  expected 
but  that  Mr.  Green  should  take  back  to  Warwick- 
shire otherwise  than  a  slightly  confused  impression  of 
Oxford. 

When    he    unrolled    that   rich   panorama   before   his 
"  mind's  eye,"  all  its  component  parts  were  strangely  out 

of  place.     The  rich 

sp're  of  ^t-  Marv's 

claimed  acquaint- 
ance  with  her  poorer 
sister  at  the  cathe- 
dral. The  cupola 
of  the  Tom  Tower 
got  into  close  quar- 
ters with  the  huge 
dome  of  the  Rad- 
cliffe,  that  shrugged 
up  its  great  round 
shoulders  at  the  in- 
trusion of  the  cross- 
bred Graeco-Gothic 
tower  of  All  Saints. 
The  theatre  had 
walked  up  to  St. 
Giles's  to  see  how 
the  Taylor  Build- 
ings agreed  with  the  University  galleries;  while  the 
Martyrs'  Memorial  had  stepped  down  to  Magdalen 
Bridge,  in  time  to  see  the  college  taking  a  walk  in 
the  Botanic  Gardens.  The  Schools  and  the  Bodleian 
had  set  their  back  against  the  stately  portico  of  the 
Clarendon  Press;  while  the  antiquated  Ashmolean 
had  given  place  to  the  more  modern  Townhall.  The 


AN   OXFORD   FRESHMAN.  57 

time-honoured,  black-looking  front  of  University  Col- 
lege had  changed  into  the  cold  cleanliness  of  the 
"  classic  "  facade  of  Queen's.  The  two  towers  of  All 
Souls'  —  whose  several  stages  seem  to  be  pulled  out  of 
each  other  like  the  parts  of  a  telescope  —  had  some- 
how removed  themselves  from  the  rest  of  the  building, 
which  had  gone,  nevertheless,  on  a  tour  to  Broad  Street, 
behind  which,  as  every  one  knows,  are  the  Broad  Walk 
and  the  Christ  Church  meadows.  Merton  Chapel  had 
got  into  New  quarters,  and  Wadham  had  gone  to 
Worcester  for  change  of  air;  Lincoln  had  migrated 
from  near  Exeter  to  Pembroke,  and  Brasenose  had  its 
nose  quite  put  out  of  joint  by  St.  John's.  In  short, 
if  the  maps  of  Oxford  are  to  be  trusted,  there  had 
been  a  general  ponsset  movement  among  its  public 
buildings. 

But  if  such  a  shrewd  and  practised  observer  as  Sir 
Walter  Scott,  after  a  week's  hard  and  systematic  sight- 
seeing, could  only  say  of  Oxford,  "  The  time  has  been 
much  too  short  to  convey  to  me  separate  and  distinct 
ideas  of  all  the  variety  of  wonders  that  I  saw;  my 
memory  only  at  present  furnishes  a  grand  but  indistinct 
picture  of  towers,  and  chapels,  and  oriels,  and  vaulted 
halls,  and  libraries,  and  paintings," — if  Sir  Walter 
Scott  could  say  this  after  a  week's  work,  it  is  not  to  be 
wondered  at  that  Mr.  Green,  after  so  brief  and  rapid 
a  survey  of  the  city  at  the  heels  of  an  unintelligent 
guide,  should  feel  himself  slightly  confused  when, 
on  his  return  to  the  Manor  Green,  he  attempted  to 
give  a  slight  description  of  the  wonderful  sights  of 
Oxford. 

There  was  one  lion  of  Oxford,  however,  whose  indi- 
viduality of  expression  was  too  striking  either  to  be 


58   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

forgotten  or  confused  with  the  many  other  lions  around. 
Although  (as  in  Byron's  "  Dream  ") 

"  A  mass  of  many  images 
Crowded  like  waves  upon  " 

Mr.  Green,  yet  clear  and  distinct  through  all  there  ran 
"  The  stream-like  windings  of  that  glorious  street,"  l 

to  which  one  of  the  first  critics  of  the  age  2  has  given 
this  high  testimony  of  praise :  "  The  High  Street  of 
Oxford  has  not  its  equal  in  the  whole  world." 

Mr.  Green  could  not,  of  course,  leave  Oxford  until  he 
had  seen  his  beloved  son  in  that  elegant  cap  and  pre- 
posterous gown  which  constitute  the  present  academical 
dress  of  the  Oxford  undergraduate;  and  to  assume 
which,  with  a  legal  right  to  the  same,  matriculation  is 
first  necessary.  As  that  amusing  and  instructive  book, 
the  University  Statutes,  says  in  its  own  delightful  and 
unrivalled  canine  Latin,  "  Statutum  est,  quod  nemo  pro 
Studente,  seu  Scholari,  habeatur,  nee  ullis  Universitatis 
privilegiis,  aut  beneficiis"  (the  cap  and  gown,  of  course, 
being  among  these,)  "  gandeat,  nisi  qui  in  aliquod 
Collegium  vel  Aulam  admissus  fuerit,  et  intra  quinde- 
nam  post  talem  admissionem  in  matriculam  Universita- 
tis  fuerit  relatus"  So  our  hero  put  on  the  required 
white  tie,  and  then  went  forth  to  complete  his  proper 
costume. 

There  were  so  many  persons  purporting  to  be  "  Aca- 
demical robe-makers  "  that  Mr.  Green  was  some  little 
time  in  deciding  who  should  be  the  tradesman  favoured 

1  Wordsworth,  Miscellaneous  Sonnets. 

*  Dr.  Waagen,  Art  and  Artists  in  England. 


AN   OXFORD    FRESHMAN.  59 

with  the  order  for  his  son's  adornment.  At  last  he  fixed 
upon  a  shop,  the  window  of  which  contained  a  more 
imposing  display  than  its  neighbours  of  gowns,  hoods, 
surplices,  and  robes  of  all  shapes  and  colours,  from  the 
black  velvet-sleeved  proctor's  to  the  blushing  gorgeous- 
ness  of  the  scarlet  robe  and  crimson  silk  sleeves  of  the 
D.C.L. 

"  I  wish  you,"  said  Mr.  Green,  advancing  towards  a 
smirking  individual,  who  was  in  his  shirt-sleeves  and 
slippers,  but  in  all  other  respects  was  attired  with  great 
magnificence,  —  "  I  wish  you  to  measure  this  gentleman 
for  his  academical  robes,  and  also  to  allow  him  the  use 
of  some  to  be  matriculated  in." 

"  Certainly,  sir,"  said  the  robe-maker,  who  stood 
bowing  and  smirking  before  them,  —  as  Hood  expres- 
sively says,  — 

"  Washing  his  hands  with  invisible  soap, 
In  imperceptible  water,"  — 

"  certainly,  sir,  if  you  wish  it ;  but  it  will  scarcely  be 
necessary,  sir,  as  our  custom  is  so  extensive  that  we 
keep  a  large  ready-made  stock  constantly  on  hand." 

"  Oh,  that  will  do  just  as  well,"  said  Mr.  Green ; 
"  better,  indeed.  Let  us  see  some." 

"What  description  of  robe  would  be  required?"  said 
the  smirking  gentleman,  again  making  use  of  the  invi- 
sible soap,  — "  a  scholar's?  " 

"•A  scholar's !  "  repeated  Mr.  Green,  very  much  won- 
dering at  the  question,  and  imagining  that  all  students 
must  of  necessity  be  also  scholars ;  "  yes,  a  scholar's,  of 
course." 

A  scholar's  gown  was  accordingly  produced ;  and  its 
deep,  wide  sleeves,  and  ample  length  and  breadth,  were 


60   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

soon  displayed  to  some  advantage  on  Mr.  Verdant 
Green's  tall  figure.  Reflected  in  a  large  mirror,  its 
charms  were  seen  in  their  full  perfection,-  and  when 
the  delighted  Mr.  Green  exclaimed,  "  Why,  Verdant,  I 
never  saw  you  look  so  well  as  you  do  now !  "  our  hero 
was  inclined  to  think  that  his  father's  words  were  the 


words  of  truth,  and  that  a  scholar's  gown  was  indeed 
becoming.  The  tout  ensemble  was  complete  when  the 
cap  had  been  added  to  the  gown ;  more  especially  as 
Verdant  put  it  on  in  such  a  manner  that  the  polite 
robe-maker  was  obliged  to  say,  "  The  hother  way,  ii 
you  please,  sir,  —  immaterial  perhaps,  but  generally  pre- 


AN   OXFORD   FRESHMAN.  6l 

ferred.  In  fact,  the  shallow  part  is  always  the  fore- 
head, —  at  least  in  Oxford,  sir." 

While  Mr.  Green  was  paying  for  the  cap  and  gown 
(N.  B.  the  money  of  governors  is  never  refused),  the 
robe-maker  smirked,  and  said,  "  Hexcuse  the  ques- 
tion ;  but  may  I  hask,  sir,  if  this  is  the  gentleman  that 
has  just  gained  the  Scotland  Scholarship?  " 

"No,"  replied  Mr.  Green.  "My  son  has  just  gained 
his  matriculation,  and,  I  believe,  very  creditably;  but 
nothing  more,  as  we  only  came  here  yesterday." 

"Then  I  think,  sir,"  said  the  robe-maker,  with  re- 
doubled smirks, —  "I  think,  sir,  there  is  a  leetle  mis- 
take here.  The  gentleman  will  be  hinfringing  the 
University  statues,  if  he  wears  a  scholar's  gown  and 
hasn't  got  a  scholarship;  and  these  robes  '11  be  of 
no  use  to  the  gentleman,  yet  awhile  at  least.  It 
will  be  an  undergraduate's  gown  that  he  requires, 
sir." 

It  was  fortunate  for  our  hero  that  the  mistake  was 
discovered  so  soon,  and  could  be  rectified  without  any 
of  those  unpleasant  consequences  of  iconoclasm  to 
which  the  robe-maker's  infringement  of  the  "statues" 
seemed  to  point;  but  as  that  gentleman  put  the 
scholar's  gown  on  one  side,  and  brought  out  a  com- 
moner's, he  might  have  been  heard  to  mutter,  "I  don't 
know  which  is  the  freshest,  the  freshman  or  his 
guv' nor. " 

When  Mr.  Verdant  Green  once  more  looked  in  the 
glass,  and  saw  hanging  straight  from  his  shoulders  a 
yard  of  blueish-black  stuff,  garnished  with  a  little 
lappet,  and  two  streamers  whose  upper  parts  were 
gathered  into  double  plaits,  he  regretted  that  he  was 
not  indeed  a  scholar,  if  it  were  only  for  the  privilege 


62   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

of  wearing  so  elegant  a  gown.  However,  his  father 
smiled  approvingly,  the  robe-maker  smirked  judi- 
ciously; so  he  came  to  the  gratifying  conclusion  that 
the  commoner's  gown  was  by  no  means  ugly,  and 
would  be  thought  a  great  deal  of  at  the  Manor  Green 
when  he  took  it  home  at  the  end  of  the  term. 

Leaving  his  hat  with  the  robe-maker,  who,  with 
many  more  smirks  and  imaginary  washings  of  the 
hands,  hoped  to  be  favoured  with  the  gentleman's 
patronage  on  future  occasions,  and  begged  further  to 
trouble  him  with  a  card  of  his  establishment,  —  our 
hero  proceeded  with  his  father  along  the  High  Street, 
and  turned  round  by  St.  Mary's,  and  so  up  Cat  Street 
to  the  Schools,  where  they  made  their  way  to  the 
classic  "Pig-market,"1  to  await  the  arrival  of  the 
Vice-Chancellor. 

When  he  came,  our  freshman  and  two  other  white- 
tied  fellow-freshmen  were  summoned  to  the  great 
man's  presence;  and  there,  in  the  ante-chamber  of  the 

1  The  reason  why  such  a  name  has  been  given  to  the  Schools' 
quadrangle  may  be  found  in  the  following  extract  from  "  Ingram's 
Memorials " :  "  The  schools  built  by  Abbot  Hokenorton  being 
inadequate  to  the  increasing  wants  of  the  University,  they  applied 
to  the  Abbot  of  Reading  for  stone  to  rebuild  them ;  and  in  the  year 
1532  it  appears  that  considerable  sums  of  money  were  expended 
on  them ;  but  they  went  to  decay  in  the  latter  part  of  the  reign  of 
Henry  VIII.  and  during  the  whole  reign  of  Edward  VI.  The 
change  of  religion  having  occasioned  a  suspension  of  the  usual 
exercises  and  scholastic  acts  in  the  University,  in  the  year  1540 
only  two  of  these  schools  were  used  by  determiners,  and  within  two 
years  after  none  at  all.  The  whole  area  between  these  schools  and 
the  divinity  school  was  subsequently  converted  into  a  garden  and 
pig-market;  and  the  schools  themselves,  being  completely  aban- 
doned by  the  masters  and  scholars,  were  used  by  glovers  and 
laundresses." 


AN  OXFORD   FRESHMAN.  63 

Convocation  House,1  the  edifying  and  imposing  spec- 
tacle of  Matriculation  was  enacted.  In  the  first 
place,  Mr.  Verdant  Green  took  divers  oaths,  and  sin- 
cerely promised  and  swore  that  he  would  be  faithful 
and  bear  true  allegiance  to  her  Majesty  Queen 
Victoria.  He  also  professed  (very  much  to  his  own 
astonishment)  that  he  did  "from  his  heart  abhor, 
detest,  and  abjure,  as  impious  and  heretical,  that 
damnable  doctrine  and  position,  that  princes  excom- 
municated or  deprived  by  the  Pope,  or  any  authority 
of  the  See  of  Rome,  may  be  deposed  or  murdered  by 
their  subjects,  or  any  other  whatsoever."  And,  having 
almost  lost  his  breath  at  this  novel  "position,"  Mr. 
Verdant  Green  could  only  gasp  his  declaration,  "that 
no  foreign  prince,  person,  prelate,  State,  or  potentate, 
hath,  or  ought  to  have,  any  jurisdiction,  power,  supe- 
riority, pre-eminence,  or  authority,  ecclesiastical  or 
spiritual,  within  this  realm."  When  he  had  suffi- 
ciently recovered  his  presence  of  mind,  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  inserted  his  name  in  the  University  books  as 
"Generosi  films  natu  maximus;  "  and  then  signed  his 
name  to  the  Thirty-nine  Articles,  — though  he  did  not 
endanger  his  matriculation,  as  Theodore  Hook  did,  by 
professing  his  readiness  to  sign  forty  if  they  wished 
it !  Then  the  Vice-Chancellor  concluded  the  perform- 
ance by  presenting  to  the  three  freshmen  (in  the  most 
liberal  manner)  three  brown-looking  volumes,  with 
these  words ;  "  Scitote  vos  in  Matriculam  Universitatis 
hodie  relates  esse,  sub  hac  conditione,  nempe  ut  omnia 
Statuta  hoc  libro  comprehensa  pro  virili  observetis." 
And  the  ceremony  was  at  an  end,  and  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  was  a  matriculated  member  of  the  University  of 

1  "  In  apodyterio  domui  congregationis." 


64   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

Oxford.  He  was  far  too  nervous  —  from  the  weaken- 
ing effect  of  the  Popes,  and  the  excommunicate 
princes,  and  their  murderous  subjects  —  to  be  able  to 
translate  and  understand  what  the  Vice-Chancellor 
had  said  to  him,  but  he  thought  his  present  to  be 
particularly  kind;  and  he  found  it  a  copy  of  the  Uni- 
versity Statutes,  which  he  determined  forthwith  to 
read  and  obey. 

Though  if  he  had  known  that  he  had  sworn  to 
observe  statutes  which  required  him,  among  other 
things,  to  wear  garments  only  of  a  black  or  "  subfusk  " 
hue ;  to  abstain  from  that  absurd  and  proud  custom  of 
walking  in  public  in  boots,  and  the  ridiculous  one  of 
wearing  the  hair  long;1  statutes,  moreover,  which 
demanded  of  him  to  refrain  from  all  taverns,  wine- 
shops, and  houses  in  which  they  sold  wine  or  any 
other  drink,  and  the  herb  called  nicotiana  or  "  tobacco ;  " 
not  to  hunt  wild  beasts  with  dogs  or  snares  or  nets ;  not 
to  carry  crossbows  or  other  "bombarding"  weapons, 
or  keep  hawks  for  fowling ;  not  to  frequent  theatres  or 
the  strifes  of  gladiators ;  and  only  to  carry  a  bow  and 
arrows  for  the  sake  of  honest  recreation,2  • —  if  Mr. 
Verdant  Green  had  known  that  he  had  covenanted  to 
do  this,  he  would  perhaps  have  felt  some  scruples  in 
taking  the  oaths  of  matriculation.  But  this  by  the 
way. 

Now  that  Mr.  Green  had  seen  all  that  he  wished  to 
see,  nothing  remained  for  him  but  to  discharge  his 
hotel  bill.  It  was  accordingly  called  for,  and  pro- 
duced by  the  waiter,  whose  face  —  by  a  visitation  of 

1  See   the   Oxford   Statutes,  tit.  xiv.,    "  De   vestitu   et   habitu 
scholastico." 

2  Ditto,  tit.  xv.,  "  De  moribus  conformandis." 


AN   OXFORD    FRESHMAN.  65 

that  complaint  against  which  vaccination  is  usually 
considered  a  safeguard  —  had  been  reduced  to  a  state 
resembling  the  interior  half  of  a  sliced  muffin.  To 
judge  from  the  expression  of  Mr.  Green's  features  as 
he  regarded  the  document  that  had  been  put  into  his 
hand,  it  is  probable  that  he  had  not  been  much  accus- 


tomed  to  Oxford  hotels;  for  he  ran  over  the  several 
items  of  the  bill  with  a  look  in  which  surprise  con- 
tended with  indignation  for  the  mastery,  while  the 
muffin-faced  waiter  handled  his  plated  salver,  and 
looked  fixedly  at  nothing. 

Mr.  Green,  however,  refraining  from  observations, 
paid  the  bill;  and  muffling  himself  in  greatcoat  and 
travelling-cap,  he  prepared  himself  to  take  a  com- 
fortable journey  back  to  Warwickshire,  inside  the 


66   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

Birmingham  and  Oxford  coach.  It  was  not  loaded  in 
the  same  way  that  it  had  been  when  he  came  up  by  it, 
and  his  fellow-passengers  were  of  a  very  different 
description;  and  it  must  be  confessed  that,  in  the 
absence  of  Mr.  Bouncer's  tin  horn,  the  attacks  of 
intrusive  terriers,  and  the  involuntary  fumigation  of 
himself  with  tobacco  (although  its  presence  was  still 
perceptible  within  the  coach),  Mr.  Green  found  his 
journey  from  Oxford  much  more  agreeable  than  it  had 
been  to  that  place.  He  took  an  affectionate  farewell 
of  his  son,  somewhat  after  the  manner  of  the  "heavy 
fathers"  of  the  stage;  and  then  the  coach  bore  him 
away  from  the  last  lingering  look  of  our  hero,  who 
felt  any  thing  but  heroic  at  being  left  for  the  first  time 
in  his  life  to  shift  for  himself. 

His  luggage  had  been  sent  up  to  Brazenface,  so 
thither  he  turned  his  steps,  and  with  some  little  diffi- 
culty found  his  room.  Mr.  Filcher  had  partly 
unpacked  his  master's  things,  and  had  left  every  thing 
uncomfortable  and  in  "the  most  admired  disorder;" 
and  Mr.  Verdant  Green  sat  himself  down  upon  the 
"practicable"  window-seat,  and  resigned  himself  to 
his  thoughts.  If  they  had  not  already  flown  to  the 
Manor  Green,  they  would  soon  have  been  carried 
there;  for  a  German  band,  just  outside  the  college- 
gates,  began  to  play  "Home,  sweet  home,"  with  that 
truth  and  delicacy  of  expression  which  the  wandering 
minstrels  of  Germany  seem  to  acquire  intuitively. 
The  sweet  melancholy  of  the  simple  air,  as  it  came 
subdued  by  distance  into  softer  tones,  would  have 
powerfully  affected  most  people  who  had  just  been 
torn  from  the  bosom  of  their  homes,  to  fight,  all  inex- 
perienced, the  battle  of  life ;  but  it  had  such  an  effect 


AN   OXFORD    FRESHMAN. 


67 


on  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  that  —  but  it  little  matters 
saying  what  he  did;  many  people  will  give  way  to 
feelings  in  private  that 
they  would  stifle  in  com- 
pany; and  if  Mr.  Filcher 
on  his  return  found  his 
master  wiping  his  specta- 
cles, why,  that  was  only  a 
simple  proceeding  which 
all  glasses  frequently  re- 
quire. 

To  divert  his  thoughts, 
and  to  impress  upon  him- 
self and  others  the  fact 
that  he  was  an  Oxford 
MAN,  our  freshman  set 
out  for  a  stroll;  and  as 
the  unaccustomed  feeling 
of  the  gown  about  his 
shoulders  made  him  feel  somewhat  embarrassed  as  to 
the  carriage  of  his  arms,  he  stepped  into  a  shop  on 
the  way  and  purchased  a  light  cane,  which  he  consid- 
ered would  greatly  add  to  the  effect  of  the  cap  and 
gown.  Armed  with  this  weapon,  he  proceeded  to  dis- 
port himself  in  the  Christ  Church  meadows,  and 
promenaded  up  and  down  the  Broad  Walk. 

The  beautiful  meadows  lay  green  and  bright  in  the 
sun;  the  arching  trees  threw  a  softened  light,  and 
made  a  chequered  pavement  of  the  great  Broad  Walk ; 
"witch-elms  did  counter-change  the  floor"  of  the 
gravel-walks  that  wound  with  the  windings  of  the 
Cherwell ;  the  drooping  willows  were  mirrored  in  its 
stream;  through  openings  in  the  trees  there  were 


68   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

glimpses  of  grey  old  college-buildings ;  then  came  the 
walk  along  the  banks,  the  Isis  shining  like  molten 
silver,  and  fringed  around  with  barges  and  boats ;  then 
another  stretch  of  green  meadows;  then  a  cloud  of 


steam  from  the  railway  station ;  and  a  background  of 
gently-rising  hills.  It  was  a  cheerful  scene,  and  the 
variety  of  figures  gave  life  and  animation  to  the  whole. 
Young  ladies  and  unprotected  females  were  found 
in  abundance,  dressed  in  all  the  engaging  variety  of 
light  spring  dresses;  and,  as  may  be  supposed,  our 
hero  attracted  a  great  deal  of  their  attention,  and 
afforded  them  no  small  amusement.  But  the  unusual 
and  terrific  appearance  of  a  spectacled  gownsman  with 
a  cane  produced  the  greatest  alarm  among  the  juve- 


AN   OXFORD   FRESHMAN. 


niles,  who  imagined  our  freshman  to  be  a  new 
description  of  beadle  or  Bogy,  summoned  up  by  the 
exigencies  of  the  times  to  preserve  a  rigorous  disci- 


pline among  the  young  people;  and,  regarding  his 
cane  as  the  symbol  of  his  stern  sway,  they  harassed 
their  nursemaids  by  unceasingly  charging  at  their 
petticoats  for  protection. 

Altogether,     Mr.     Verdant    Green    made    quite    a 
sensation. 


CHAPTER  VI. 


MR.  VERDANT  GREEN  DINES,  BREAKFASTS,  AND  GOES 
TO  CHAPEL. 

OUR  hero  dressed  himself  with  great  care,  that  he 
might  make  his  first  appearance  in  Hall  with 
proper  eclat ;  and,  having  made  his  way  towards  the 
lantern-surmounted  building,  he  walked  up  the  steps 
and  under  the  groined  archway  with  a  crowd  of  hungry 
undergraduates  who  were  hurrying  in  to  dinner.  The 
clatter  of  plates  would  have  alone  been  sufficient  to 
guide  his  steps;  and,  passing  through  one  of  the  doors 
in  the  elaborately-carved  screen  that  shut  off  the  pas- 
sage and  the  buttery,  he  found  himself  within  the  hall 
of  Brazenface.  It  was  of  noble  size,  lighted  by  lofty 
windows,  and  carried  up  to  a  great  height  by  an  open 


AN   OXFORD    FRESHMAN. 


roof,  dark  (save  where  it  opened  to  the  lantern)  with 
great  oak  beams,  and  rich  with  carved  pendants  and 
gilded  bosses.  The  ample  fire-places  displayed  the 
capaciousness  of  those  collegiate  mouths  of  "  the  wind- 


pipes of  hospitality,"  and  gave  an  idea  of  the  dimen- 
sions of  the  kitchen-ranges.  In  the  centre  of  the  hall 
was  a  huge  plate-warmer,  elaborately  worked  in  brass 
with  the  college  arms.  Founders  and  benefactors  were 
seen,  or  suggested,  on  all  sides;  their  arms  gleamed 
from  the  windows  in  all  the  glories  of  stained  glass; 
and  their  faces  peered  out  from  the  massive  gilt 


72       THE  ADVENTURES   OF   MR.   VERDANT   GREEN, 

frames  on  the  walls,  as  though  their  shadows  loved 
to  linger  about  the  spot  that  had  been  benefited  by 
their  substance.  At  the  further  end  of  the  hall  a 
deep  bay-window  threw  its  painted  light  upon  a 
dais,  along  which  stretched  the  table  for  the  Dons ; 
Masters  and  Bachelors  occupied  side-tables;  and  the 
other  tables  were  filled  up  by  the  undergraduates; 
every  one,  from  the  Don  downwards,  being  in  his 
gown. 

Our  hero  was  considerably  impressed  with  the 
(to  him)  singular  character  of  the  scene;  and  from 
the  "  Benedictus  benedicat "  grace-before-meat  to  the 
"Benedicto  benedicamur"  after-meat,  he  gazed  curi- 
ously around  him  in  silent  wonderment.  So  much 
indeed  was  he  wrapped  up  in  the  novelty  of  the  scene, 
that  he  ran  a  great  risk  of  losing  his  dinner.  The 
scouts  fled  about  in  all  directions  with  plates,  and 
glasses,  and  pewter  dishes,  and  massive  silver  mugs 
that  had  gone  round  the  tables  for  the  last  two  cen- 
turies, and  still  no  one  waited  upon  Mr.  Verdant 
Green.  He  twice  ventured  to  timidly  say,  "Waiter!" 
but  as  no  one  answered  to  his  call,  and  as  he  was  too 
bashful  and  occupied  with  his  own  thoughts  to  make 
another  attempt,  it  is  probable  that  he  would  have 
risen  from  dinner  as  unsatisfied  as  when  he  sat  down, 
had  not  his  right-hand  companion  (having  partly 
relieved  his  own  wants)  perceived  his  neighbour  to  be 
a  freshman,  and  kindly  said  to  him,  "  I  think  you  'd 
better  begin  your  dinner,  because  we  don't  stay  here 
long.  What  is  your  scout's  name?"  And  when  he 
had  been  told  it,  he  turned  to  Mr.  Filcher  and  asked 
him,  "What  the  doose  he  meant  by  not  waiting  on  his 
master?  "  which,  with  the  addition  of  a  few  gratuitous 


AN   OXFORD   FRESHMAN.  73 

threats,  had  the  effect  of  bringing  that  gentleman  to 
his  master's  side,  and  reducing  Mr.  Verdant  Green  to 
a  state  of  mind  in  which  gratitude  to  his  companion 
and  a  desire  to  beg  his  scout's  pardon  were  confusedly 
blended.  Not  seeing  any  dishes  upon  the  table  to 
select  from,  he  referred  to  the  list,  and  fell  back  on 
the  standard  roast-beef. 

"I  am  sure  I  am  very  much  obliged  to  you,"  said 
Verdant,  turning  to  his  friendly  neighbour.  "My 
rooms  are  next  to  yours,  and  I  had  the  pleasure  of 
being  driven  by  you  on  the  coach  the  other  day." 

"  Oh !  "  said  Mr.  Fosbrooke,  for  it  was  he ;  "  ah,  I 
remember  you  now !  I  suppose  the  old  bird  was  your 
governor.  He  seemed  to  think  it  any  thing  but  a  plea- 
sure, being  driven  by  Four-in-hand  Fosbrooke." 

"  Why,  pap  —  my  father  —  is  rather  nervous  on  a 
coach,"  replied  Verdant.  "He  was  bringing  me  to 
college  for  the  first  time." 

"Then  you  are  the  man  that  has  just  come  into 
Smalls'  old  rooms?  Oh,  I  see.  Don't  you  ever  drink 
with  your  dinner?  If  you  don't  holler  for  your  ras- 
cal, he  '11  never  half  wait  upon  you.  Always  bully 
them  well  at  first,  and  then  they  learn  manners." 

So,  by  way  of  commencing  the  bullying  system 
without  loss  of  time,  our  hero  called  out  very  fiercely, 
"  Robert ! "  and  then,  as  Mr.  Filcher  glided  to  his 
side,  he  timidly  dropped  his  tone  into  a  mild  "  Glass 
of  water,  if  you  please,  Robert." 

He  felt  rather  relieved  when  dinner  was  over,  and 
retired  at  once  to  his  own  rooms;  where  making  a 
rather  quiet  and  sudden  entrance,  he  found  them  ten- 
anted by  an  old  woman,  who  wore  a  huge  bonnet  tilted 
on  the  top  of  her  head,  and  was  busily  and  dubiously 


74   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

engaged  at  one  of  his  open  boxes.  "Ahem!"  he 
coughed,  at  which  note  of  warning  the  old  lady  jumped 
round  very  quickly,  and  said  —  dabbing  curtseys  where 
there  were  stops,  like  the  beats  of  a  conductor's 
baton,  — "Law  bless  me,  sir.  It's  beggin'  your  par- 
ding  that  I  am.  Not  seein'  you  a  comin'  in.  Bein' 
'ard  of  hearin'  from  a  hinfant.  And  havin'  my  back 
turned.  I  was  just  a  puttin'  your  things  to  rights,  sir. 
If  you  please,  sir,  I  'm  Mrs.  Tester.  Your  bedmaker, 
sir." 

"Oh,  thank  you,"  said  our  freshman,  with  the 
shadow  of  a  suspicion  that  Mrs.  Tester  was  doing 
something  more  than  merely  "putting  to  rights  "  the 
pots  of  jam  and  marmalade,  and  the  packages  of  tea 
and  coffee,  which  his  doting  mother  had  thoughtfully 
placed  in  his  box  as  a  provision  against  immediate 
distress.  "Thank  you." 

"I've  done  my  rooms,  sir,"  dabbed  Mrs.  Tester. 
"Which  if  thought  agreeable,  I  'd  stay  and  put  these 
things  in  their  places.  Which  it  certainly  is  Robert's 
place.  But  I  never  minds  putting  myself  out.  As  I 
always  perpetually  am  minded.  So  long  as  I  can 
obleege  the  gentlemen." 

So,  as  our  hero  was  of  a  yielding  disposition,  and 
could,  under  skilful  hands,  easily  be  moulded  into  any 
form,  he  allowed  Mrs.  Tester  to  remain,  and  conclude 
the  unpacking  and  putting  away  of  his  goods,  in  which 
operation  she  displayed  great  generalship. 

"You've  a  deal  of  tea  and  coffee,  sir,"  she  said, 
keeping  time  by  curtseys.  "Which  it  's  a  great  bles- 
sin'  to  have  a  mother.  And  not  to  be  left  dissolute 
like  some  gentlemen.  And  tea  and  coffee  is  what  I 
mostly  lives  on.  And  mortial  dear  it  is  to  poor  folks. 


AN   OXFORD    FRESHMAN.  75 

And  a  package  the  likes  of  this,  sir,  were  a  blessin'  I 
should  never  even  dream  on." 

"Well,  then,"  said  Verdant,  in  a  most  benevolent 
mood,  "you  can  take  one  of  the  packages  for  your 
trouble. " 

Upon  this,  Mrs.  Tester  appeared  to  be  greatly  over 
come.  "Which  I  once  had  a  son  myself,"  she  said. 
"And  as  fine  a  young  man  as  you  are,  sir.  With  a 
strawberry  mark  in  the  small  of  his  back.  And  beau- 
tiful red  whiskers,  sir,  with  a  tendency  to  drink. 
Which  it  were  his  rewing,  and  took  him  to  be  enlisted 
for  a  sojer.  When  he  went  across  the  seas  to  the 
West  Injies.  And  was  took  with  the  yaller  fever,  and 
buried  there.  Which  the  remembrance,  sir,  brings  on 
my  spazzums.  To  which  I  'm  an  hafflicted  martyr,  sir. 
And  can  only  be  heased  with  three  spots  of  brandy  on 
a  lump  of  sugar.  Which  your  good  mother,  sir,  has 
put  a  bottle  of  brandy.  Along  with  the  jam  and  the 
clean  linen,  sir.  As  though  a  purpose  for  my  com- 
plaint. Ugh!  oh! " 

And  Mrs.  Tester  forthwith  began  pressing  and 
thumping  her  sides  in  such  a  terrific  manner,  and 
appeared  to  be  undergoing  such  internal  agony,  that 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  not  only  gave  her  brandy  there  and 
then,  for  her  immediate  relief,  — "which  it  heases  the 
spazzums  deerectly,  bless  you,"  observed  Mrs.  Tester, 
parenthetically, —  but  also  told  her  where  she  could  find 
the  bottle,  in  case  she  should  again  be  attacked  when 
in  his  rooms;  attacks  which,  it  is  needless  to  say,  were 
repeated  at  every  subsequent  visit.  Mrs.  Tester  then 
finished  putting  away  the  tea  and  coffee,  and  entered 
into  further  particulars  about  her  late  son;  though 
what  connection  there  was  between  him  and  the  pack- 


76       THE   ADVENTURES   OF   MR.   VERDANT  GREEN, 

ages  of  tea,  our  hero  could  not  perceive.  Nevertheless 
he  was  much  interested  with  her  narrative,  and  thought 
Mrs.  Tester  a  very  affectionate,  motherly  sort  of 
woman;  more  especially,  when  (Robert  having  placed 
his  tea-things  on  the  table)  she  showed  him  how  to 
make  the  tea, —  an  apparently  simple  feat  that  the  fresh- 
man found  himself  perfectly  unable  to  accomplish. 
And  then  Mrs.  Tester  made  a  final  dab,  and  her  exit, 
and  our  hero  sat  over  his  tea  as  long  as  he  could, 
because  it  gave  an  idea  of  cheerfulness;  and  then, 
after  directing  Robert  to  be  sure  not  to  forget  to 
call  him  in  time  for  morning  chapel,  he  retired  to 
bed. 

The  bed  was  very  hard,  and  so  small,  that,  had  it 
not  been  for  the  wall,  our  hero's  legs  would  have  been 
visible  (literally)  at  the  foot;  but  despite  these  novel- 
ties, he  sank  into  a  sound  rest,  which  at  length  passed 
into  the  following  dream.  He  thought  that  he  was 
back  again  at  dinner  at  the  Manor  Green,  but  that  the 
room  was  curiously  like  the  hall  of  Brazenface,  and 
that  Mrs.  Tester  and  Dr.  Portman  were  on  either  side 
of  him,  with  Mr.  Fosbrooke  and  Robert  talking  to 
his  sisters;  and  that  he  was  reaching  his  hand  to  help 
Mrs.  Tester  to  a  packet  of  tea,  which  her  son  had  sent 
them  from  the  West  Indies,  when  he  threw  over  a 
wax-light,  and  set  everything  on  fire;  and  that  the 
parish  engine  came  up;  and  that  there  was  a  great 
noise,  and  a  loud  hammering;  and,  "Eh?  yes!  oh! 
the  half -hour  is  it  ?  Oh,  yes !  thank  you ! "  And  Mr. 
Verdant  Green  sprang  out  of  bed,  much  relieved  in 
mind  to  find  that  the  alarm  of  fire  was  nothing  more 
than  his  scout  knocking  vigorously  at  his  door,  and 
that  it  was  chapel-time. 


AN   OXFORD    FRESHMAN.  77 

"Want  any  warm  water,  sir?"  asked  Mr.  Filcher, 
putting  his  head  in  at  the  door. 

" No,  thank  you, "  replied  our  hero ;  "I  —  I  —  " 

"Shave  with  cold.  Ah,  I  see,  sir.  It's  much 
'ealthier,  and  makes  the  'air  grow.  But  any  thing  as 
you  does  want,  sir,  you've  only  to  call." 

"If  there  is  any  thing  that  I  want,  Robert,"  said 
Verdant,  "I  will  ring." 

"Bless  you,  sir,"  observed  Mr.  Filcher,  "there  ain't 
no  bells  never  in  colleges!  They  'd  be  rung  off  their 
wires  in  no  time.  Mr.  Bouncer,  sir,  he  uses  a  trum- 
pet like  they  does  on  board  ship.  By  the  same  token, 
that 's  it,  sir ! "  And  Mr.  Filcher  vanished  just  in  time 
to  prevent  little  Mr.  Bouncer  from  finishing  a  furious 
solo,  from  an  entirely  new  version  of  "  Robert  le 
Diable,"  which  he  was  giving  with  novel  effects 
through  the  medium  of  a  speaking-trumpet. 

Verdant  found  his  bed-room  inconveniently  small; 
so  contracted,  indeed,  in  its  dimensions,  that  his  toi- 
lette was  not  completed  without  his  elbows  having 
first  suffered  severe  abrasions.  His  mechanical  turnip 
showed  him  that  he  had  no  time  to  lose;  and  the 
furious  ringing  of  a  bell,  whose  noise  was  echoed  by 
the  bells  of  other  colleges,  made  him  dress  with  a 
rapidity  quite  unusual,  and  hurry  down  stairs  and 
across  quad,  to  the  chapel  steps,  up  which  a  throng  of 
students  were  hastening.  Nearly  all  betrayed  symp- 
toms of  having  been  aroused  from  their  sleep  without 
having  had  any  spare  time  for  an  elaborate  toilette; 
and  many,  indeed,  were  completing  it,  by  thrusting 
themselves  into  surplices  and  gowns  as  they  hurried 
up  the  steps. 

Mr.  Fosbrooke  was  one  of  these;  and  when  he  saw 


78   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

Verdant  close  to  him,  he  benevolently  recognised  him, 
and  said,  "  Let  me  put  you  up  to  a  wrinkle.  When 
they  ring  you  up  sharp  for  chapel,  don't  you  lose  any 
time  about  your  absolutions, — washing,  you  know; 
but  just  jump  into  a  pair  of  bags  and  Wellingtons, 
clap  a  top-coat  on  you,  and  button  it  up  to  the  chin, 
and  there  you  are,  ready  dressed  in  the  twinkling  of  a 
bed-post." 


Before  Mr.  Verdant  Green  could  at  all  comprehend 
why  a  person  should  jump  into  two  bags,  instead  of 
dressing  himself  in  the  normal  manner,  they  went 
through  the  ante-chapel,  or  "Court  of  the  Gentiles," 
as  Mr.  Fosbrooke  termed  it,  and  entered  the  choir  of 
the  chapel  through  a  screen  elaborately  decorated  in 
the  Jacobean  style,  with  pillars  and  arches,  and  fes- 
toons of  fruit  and  flowers,  and  bells  and  pomegranates. 
On  either  side  of  the  door  were  two  men,  who  quickly 


AN   OXFORD   FRESHMAN. 


79 


glanced  at  each  one  who  passed,  and  as  quickly  pricked 
a  mark  against  his  name  on  the  chapel  lists.  As  the 
freshman  went  by,  they  made  a  careful  study  of  his 
person,  and  took  mental  daguerreotypes  of  his  features. 
Seeing  no  beadle,  or  .pew-opener  (or,  for  the  matter  of 


that,  any  pews,)  or  any  one  to  direct  him  to  a  place, 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  quietly  took  a  seat  in  the  first 
place  that  he  found  empty,  which  happened  to  be  the 
stall  on  the  right  hand  of  the  door.  Unconscious  of 
the  trespass  he  was  committing,  he  at  once  put  his  cap 
to  his  face  and  knelt  down;  but  he  had  no  sooner  risen 


8O   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR,  VERDANT  GREEN, 

from  his  knees,  than  he  found  an  imposing-looking 
Don,  as  large  as  life  and  quite  as  natural,  who  was 
staring  at  him  with  the  greatest  astonishment,  and 
motioning  him  to  immediately  "come  out  of  that!" 
This  our  hero  did  with  the  greatest  speed  and  confu- 


sion, and  sank  breathless  on  the  end  of  the  nearest 
bench;  when  just  as,  in  his  agitation,  he  had  again 
said  his  prayer,  the  service  fortunately  commenced, 
and  somewhat  relieved  him  of  his  embarrassment. 

Although  he  had  the  glories  of  Magdalen,  Merton, 
and  New  College  chapels  fresh  in  his  mind,  yet  Verdant 
was  considerably  impressed  with  the  solemn  beauties 
of  his  own  college  chapel.  He  admired  its  harmoni- 
ous proportions,  and  the  elaborate  carving  of  its  deco- 


AN   OXFORD   FRESHMAN.  8l 

rated  tracery.  He  noted  every  thing :  the  great  eagle 
that  seemed  to  be  spreading  its  wings  for  an  upward 
flight,  the  pavement  of  black  and  white  marble, 
the  dark  canopied  stalls,  rich  with  the  later  work  of 
Grinling  Gibbons,  the  elegant  tracery  of  the  win- 
dows ;  and  he  lost  himself  in  a  solemn  reverie  as  he 
looked  up  at  the  saintly  forms  through  which  the  rays 
of  the  morning  sun  streamed  in  rainbow  tints. 

But  the  lesson  had  just  begun;  and  the  man  on 
Verdant's  right  appeared  to  be  attentively  following  it. 
Our  freshman,  however,  could  not  help  seeing  the 
book,  and,  much  to  his  astonishment,  he  found  it  to 
be  a  Livy,  out  of  which  his  neighbour  was  getting  up 
his  morning's  lecture.  He  was  still  more  astonished, 
when  the  lesson  had  come  to  an  end,  by  being  sud- 
denly pulled  back  when  he  attempted  to  rise,  and 
finding  the  streamers  of  his  gown  had  been  put  to  a 
use  never  intended  for  them,  by  being  tied  round  the 
finial  of  the  stall  behind  him,  —  the  silly  work  of  a 
boyish  gentleman,  who,  in  his  desire  to  play  off  a 
practical  joke  on  a  freshman,  forgot  the  sacredness  of 
the  place  where  college  rules  compelled  him  to  show 
himself  on  morning  parade. 

Chapel  over,  our  hero  hurried  back  to  his  rooms,  and 
there  to  his  great  joy  found  a  budget  of  letters  from 
home;  and  surely  the  little  items  of  intelligence  that 
made  up  the  news  of  the  Manor  Green  had  never 
seemed  to  possess  such  interest  as  now !  The  reading 
and  re-reading  of  these  occupied  him  during  the  whole 
of  breakfast-time;  and  Mr.  Filcher  found  him  still 
engaged  in  perusing  them  when  he  came  to  clear  away 
the  things.  Then  it  was  that  Verdant  discovered  the 
extended  meaning  that  the  word  "perquisites"  pos- 
6 


82    THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

sesses  in  the  eyes  of  a  scout ;  for,  to  a  remark  that  he 
had  made,  Robert  replied  in  a  tone  of  surprise,  "Put 
away  these  bits  o'  things  as  is  left,  sir!"  and  then 
added,  with  an  air  of  mild  correction,  "You  see,  sir, 
you  's  fresh  to  the  place,  and  don't  know  that  gentlemen 
never  likes  that  sort  o'  thing  done  here,  sir;  but  you 


gets  your  commons,  sir,  fresh  and  fresh  every  morning 
and  evening,  which  must  be  much  more  agreeable  to 
the  'ealth  than  a  heating  of  stale  bread  and  such  like. 
No,  sir!"  continued  Mr.  Filcher,  with  a  manner  that 
was  truly  parental,  "no,  sir!  you  trust  to  me,  sir,  and 
I  '11  take  care  of  your  things,  I  will."  And  from  th« 
way  that  he  carried  off  the  eatables,  it  seemed  prob- 
able that  he  would  make  good  his  words.  But  our 


AN   OXFORD   FRESHMAN.  83 

freshman  felt  considerable  awe  of  his  scout,  and  mur- 
muring broken  accents  that  sounded  like  "  ignorance 
—  customs  —  University,"  he  endeavoured*  by  a  lib- 
eral use  of  his  pocket-handkerchief,  to  appear  as  if  he 
were  not  blushing. 

As  Mr.  Slowcoach  had  told  him  that  he  would  not 
have  to  begin  lectures  until  the  following  day,  and  as 
the  Greek  play  fixed  for  the  lecture  was  one  with  which 
he  had  been  made  well  acquainted  by  Mr.  Larkyns, 
Verdant  began  to  consider  what  he  could  do  with  him- 
self;  when  the  thought  of  Mr.  Larkyns  suggested  the 
idea  that  his  son  Charles  had  probably  by  this  time 
returned  to  college.  He  determined  therefore  at  once 
to  go  in  search  of  him ;  and  looking  out  a  letter  which 
the  rector  had  commissioned  him  to  deliver  to  his  son, 
he  inquired  of  Robert,  if  he  was  aware  whether  Mr. 
Charles  Larkyns  had  come  back  from  his  holidays. 

"'Ollidays,  sir?"  said  Mr.  Filcher.  "Oh,  I  see, 
sir!  Vacation,  you  mean,  sir.  Young  gentlemen  as 
is  men,  sir,  likes  to  call  their  'ollidays  by  a  different 
name  to  boys,  sir.  Yes,  sir,  Mr.  Charles  Larkyns, 
he  come  up  last  arternoon,  sir;  but  he  and  Mr.  Smalls, 
the  gent  as  he  's  been  down  with  this  vacation,  the 
same  as  had  these  rooms,  sir,  they  didn't  come  to 
'All,  sir,  but  went  and  had  their  dinners  comfortable 
at  the  '  Star,'  sir;  and  very  pleasant  they  made  their- 
selves;  and  Thomas,  their  scout,  sir,  has  had  quite  a 
horder  for  sober-water  this  morning,  sir." 

With  somewhat  of  a  feeling  of  wonder  how  one  scout 
contrived  to  know  so  much  of  the  proceedings  of 
gentlemen  who  were  waited  on  by 'another  scout,  and 
wholly  ignorant  of  his  allusion  to  his  fellow-servant's 
dealings  in  soda-water,  Mr.  Verdant  Green  inquired 


84   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

where  he  could  find  Mr.  Larkyns;  and  as  the  rooms 
were  but  just  on  the  other  side  of  the  quad,  he  put  on 
his  hat,  and  made  his  way  to  them.  The  scout  was 
just  going  into  the  room,  so  our  hero  gave  a  tap  at  the 
door  and  followed  him. 


AN   OXFORD   FRESHMAN. 


CHAPTER  VII. 

MR.    VERDANT    GREEN    CALLS    ON    A    GENTLEMAN    WHO 
"IS   LICENSED   TO   SELL." 

MR.  VERDANT  GREEN  found  him- 
self in  a  room  that  had  a  pleas- 
ant look-out  over  the  gardens  of 
Brazenface,  from  which  a  noble 
chestnut-tree  brought  its  pyra- 
mids of  bloom  close  up  to  the 
very  windows.  The  walls  of  the 
room  were  decorated  with  en- 
gravings in  gilt  frames,  their 
variety  of  subject  denoting  the 
catholic  taste  of  their  proprie- 
tor. "The  start  for  the  Der- 
by," and  other  coloured  hunting 
prints,  showed  his  taste  for  the 

field  and  horse-flesh;  Landseer's  "Distinguished  Mem- 
ber of  the  Humane  Society,"  "Dignity  and  Impu- 
dence, "  and  others,  displayed  his  fondness  for  dog-flesh ; 
while  Byron  beauties,  "Amy  Robsart,"  and  some  ex- 
tremely au  naturel  pets  of  the  ballet,  proclaimed  his 
passion  for  the  fair  sex  in  general.  Over  the  fireplace 
was  a  mirror  (for  Mr.  Charles  Larkyns  was  not  averse 
to  the  reflection  of  his  good-looking  features,  and  was 
rather  glad  than  otherwise  of  "an  excuse  for  the 


86   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

glass"),  its  frame  stuck  full  of  tradesmen's  cards 
and  (unpaid)  bills,  invites,  "  bits  of  pasteboard  "  pen- 
cilled with  a  mystic  "wine,"  and  other  odds  and 
ends — no  private  letters  though!  Mr.  Larkyns 
was  too  wary  to  leave  his  "family  secrets "  for  the 
delectation  of  his  scout.  Over  the  mirror  was  dis- 
played a  fox's  mask,  gazing  vacantly  from  between 
two  brushes;  leaving  the  spectator  to  imagine  that 
Mr.  Charles  Larkyns  was  a  second  Nimrod,  and  had  in 
some  way  or  other  been  intimately  concerned  in  the 
capture  of  these  trophies  of  the  chase.  This  supposi- 
tion of  the  imaginative  spectator  would  be  strengthened 
by  the  appearance  of  a  list  of  hunting  appointments 
(of  the  past  season)  pinned  up  over  a  list  of  lectures, 
and  not  quite  in  character  with  the  tabular  views  of 
prophecies,  kings  of  Israel  and  Judah,  and  the  Thirty- 
nine  Articles,  which  did  duty  elsewhere  on  the  walls, 
where  they  were  presumed  to  be  studied  in  spare  min- 
utes, —  which  were  remarkably  spare  indeed. 

The  sporting  character  of  the  proprietor  of  the  rooms 
was  further  suggested  by  the  huge  pair  of  antlers  over 
the  door,  bearing  on  their  tines  a  collection  of  sticks, 
whips,  and  spurs ;  while  to  prove  that  Mr.  Larkyns 
was  not  wholly  taken  up  by  the  charms  of  the  chase, 
fishing-rods,  tandem-whips,  cricket-bats,  and  Joe  Man- 
tons,  were  piled  up  in  odd  corners;  and  single-sticks, 
boxing-gloves,  and  foils,  gracefully  arranged  upon  the 
walls,  showed  that  he  occasionally  devoted  himself  to 
athletic  pursuits.  An  ingenious  wire-rack  for  pipes 
and  meerschaums,  and  the  presence  of  one  or  two  sus- 
picious looking  boxes,  labelled  "collorados,"  "regalia," 
"lukotilla,"  and  with  other  unknown  words,  seemed  to 
intimate,  that  if  Mr.  Larkyns  was  no  smoker  himself, 


AN    OXFORD    FRESHMAN.  8/ 

he  at  least  kept  a  bountiful  supply  of  "smoke"  for  his 
friends;  but  the  perfumed  cloud  that  was  proceeding 
from  his  lips  as  Verdant  entered  the  room,  dispelled 
all  doubts  on  the  subject. 

He  was  much  changed  in  appearance  during  the 
somewhat  long  interval  since  Verdant  had  last  seen 
him,  and  his  handsome  features  had  assumed  a  more 
manly,  though  perhaps  a  more  rakish  look.  He  was 
lolling  on  a  couch  in  the  negltgS  attire  of  dressing- 
gown  and  slippers,  with  his  pink  striped  shirt  comfor- 
tably open  at  the  neck.  Lounging  in  an  easy  chair 
opposite  to  him  was  a  gentleman  clad  in  tartan-plaid, 
whose  face  might  only  be  partially  discerned  through 
the  glass  bottom  of  a  pewter,  out  of  which  he  was 
draining  the  last  draught.  Between  them  was  a  table 
covered  with  the  ordinary  appointments  for  a  breakfast, 
and  the  extraordinary  ones  of  beer-cup  and  soda-water. 
Two  Skye  terriers,  hearing  a  strange  footstep,  immedi- 
ately barked  out  a  challenge  of  "  Who  goes  there?  "  and 
made  Mr.  Larky ns  aware  that  an  intruder,  was  at 
hand. 

Slightly  turning  his  head,  he  dimly  saw  through  the 
smoke  a  spectacled  figure  taking  off  his  hat,  and  hold- 
ing out  an  envelope;  and  without  looking  further,  he 
said,  "It  's  no  use  coming  here,  young  man,  and  steal- 
ing a  march  in  this  way!  I  don't  owe  you  any  thing; 
and  if  I  did,  it  is  not  convenient  to  pay  it.  I  told 
Spavin  not  to  send  me  any  more  of  his  confounded 
reminders;  so  go  back  and  tell  him  that  he'll  find  it 
all  right  in  the  long-run,  and  that  I  'm  really  going  to 
read  this  term,  and  shall  stump  the  examiners  at  last. 
And  now,  my  friend,  you  'd  better  make  yourself  scarce 
and  vanish !  You  know  where  the  door  lies!  " 


88   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

Our  hero  was  so  confounded  at  this  unusual  manner 
of  receiving  a  friend,  that  he  was  some  little  time 
before  he  could  gasp  out,  "Why,  Charles  Larkyns, 
don't  you  remember  me,  — Verdant  Green?  " 

Mr.  Larkyns,  astonished  in  his  turn,  jumped  up 
directly,  and  came  to  him  with  outstretched  hands. 


"Ton  my  word,  old  fellow,"  he  said,  "I  really  beg 
you  ten  thousand  pardons  for  not  recognising  you;  but 
you  are  so  altered  —  allow  me  to  add,  improved  — 
since  I  last  saw  you;  you  were  not  a  bashaw  of  two 
tails  then,  you  know ;  and,  really,  wearing  your  beaver 
up,  like  Hamlet's  uncle,  I  altogether  took  you  for  a 
dun.  For  I  am  a  victim  of  a  very  remarkable  mono- 
mania. There  are  in  this  place  wretched  beings  calling 
themselves  tradesmen,  who  labour  under  the  impres- 


AN  OXFORD   FRESHMAN.  89 

sion  that  I  owe  them  what  they  facetiously  term  little 
bills ;  and  though  I  have  frequently  assured  their  mes- 
sengers, who  are  kind  enough  to  come  here  to  inquire 
for  Mr.  Larkyns,  that  that  unfortunate  gentleman  has 
been  obliged  to  hide  himself  from  persecution  in  a 
convent  abroad,  yet  the  wretches  still  hammer  at  my 
oak,  and  disturb  my  peace  of  mind.  But  bring  your- 
self to  an  anchor,  old  fellow!  This  man  is  Smalls, —  a 
capital  fellow,  whose  chief  merit  consists  in  his  devo- 
tion to  literature;  indeed,  he  reads  so  hard  that  he  is 
called  a./ast  man.  Smalls,  let  me  introduce  my  friend 
Verdant  Green,  a  freshman,  —  ahem !  —  and  the  pro- 
prietor,  I  believe,  of  your  old  rooms." 

Our  hero  made  a  profound  bow  to  Mr.  Smalls,  who 
returned  it  with  great  gravity,  and  said  he  "  had  great 
pleasure  in  forming  the  acquaintance  of  a  freshman 
like  Mr.  Verdant  Green,"  —  which  was  doubtless  quite 
true;  and  he  then  evinced  his  devotion  to  literature  by 
continuing  the  perusal  of  one  of  those  vivid  and  refined 
accounts  of  "a  rattling  set-to  between  Nobby  Buffer 
and  Hammer  Sykes,"  for  which  "Tintinnabulum's 
Life  "  is  so  justly  famous. 

"I  heard  from  my  governor,"  said  Mr.  Larkyns, 
"that  you  were  coming  up,  and  in  the  course  of  the 
morning  I  should  have  come  and  looked  you  up;  but 
the  —  the  fatigues  of  travelling  yesterday,"  continued 
Mr.  Larkyns,  as  a  lively  recollection  of  the  preceding 
evening's  symposium  stole  over  his  mind,  "made  me 
rather  later  than  usual  this  morning.  Have  you  done 
any  thing  in  this  way?" 

Verdant  replied  that  he  had  breakfasted,  although 
he  had  not  done  any  thing  in  the  way  of  cigars,  because 
he  never  smoked. 


QO   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

"Never  smoked!  Is  it  possible!"  exclaimed  Mr. 
Smalls,  violently  interrupting  himself  in  the  perusal 
of  "Tintinnabulum's  Life,"  while  some  private  signals 
were  rapidly  telegraphed  between  him  and  Mr.  Lar 
kyns ;  "  ah,  you  '11  soon  get  the  better  of  that  weakness ! 
Now,  as  you're  a  freshman,  you  '11  perhaps  allow  me 
to  give  you  a  little  advice.  The  Germans,  you  know, 
would  never  be  the  deep  readers  that  they  are  unless 
they  smoked;  and  I  should  advise  you  to  go  to  the 
Vice-Chancellor  as  soon  as  possible,  and  ask  him  for 
an  order  for  some  weeds.  He  'd  be  delighted  to  think 
you  are  beginning  to  set  to  work  so  soon !  "  To  which 
our  hero  replied,  that  he  was  much  obliged  to  Mr. 
Smalls  for  his  kind  advice,  and  if  such  were  the  cus- 
toms of  the  place,  he  should  do  his  best  to  fulfil  them. 

"Perhaps  you'll  be  surprised  at  our  simple  repast, 
Verdant,"  said  Mr.  Larkyns;  "but  it's  our  misfor- 
tune. It  all  comes  of  hard  reading  and  late  hours; 
the  midnight  oil,  you  know,  must  be  supplied,  and 
will  be  paid  for ;  the  nervous  system  gets  strained  to 
excess,  and  you  have  to  call  in  the  doctor.  Well, 
what  does  he  do  ?  Why,  he  prescribes  a  regular  course 
of  tonics;  and  I  flatter  myself  that  I  am  a  very  docile 
patient,  and  take  my  bitter  beer  regularly,  and  with- 
out complaining."  In  proof  of  which  Mr.  Charles 
Larkyns  took  a  long  pull  at  the  pewter. 

"But  you  know,  Larkyns,"  observed  Mr.  Smalls, 
"that  was  nothing  to  my  case,  when  I  got  laid  up  with 
elephantiasis  on  the  biceps  of  the  lungs,  and  had  a  fur 
coat  in  my  stomach  !  " 

"Dear  me!"  said  Verdant,  sympathisingly;  "and 
was  that  also  through  too  much  study  ? M 

"  Why,  of  course !  "  replied  Mr.  Smalls ;  "  it  could  n't 


AN   OXFORD   FRESHMAN.  91 

have  been  any  thing  else  —  from  the  symptoms,  you 
know!  But  then  the  sweets  of  learning  surpass  the 
bitters.  Talk  of  the  pleasures  of  the  dead  languages, 
indeed!  why,  how  many  jolly  nights  have  you  and  I, 
Larkyns,  passed  '  down  among  the  dead  men  ' ! " 

Charles   Larkyns   had    just   been    looking  over  the 
letter  which  Verdant  had  brought  him,  and  said,  "  The 


governor  writes  that  you  'd  like  me  to  put  you  up  to 
the  ways  of  the  place,  because  they  are  fresh  to  you, 
and  you  are  fresh  (ahem !  very ! )  to  them.  Now,  I  am 
going  to  wine  with  Smalls  to-night,  to  meet  a  few 
nice,  quiet,  hard-working  men  (eh,  Smalls?)  and  I  dare 
say  Smalls  will  do  the  civil,  and  ask  you  also." 


92   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

"  Certainly ! "  said  Mr.  Smalls,  who  saw  a  prospect 
of  amusement;  "delighted,  I  assure  you!  I  hope  to 
see  you, — after  Hall,  you  know, —  but  I  hope  you 
don't  object  to  a  very  quiet  party?" 

"  Oh,  dear,  no ! "  replied  Verdant ;  "  I  much  prefer  a 
quiet  party ;  indeed,  I  have  always  been  used  to  quiet 
parties;  and  I  shall  be  very  glad  to  come." 

"Well,  that's  settled  then,"  said  Charles  Larkyns; 
"and,  in  the  mean  time,  Verdant,  let  us  take  a  prowl 
about  the  old  place,  and  I  '11  put  you  up  to  a  thing  or 
two,  and  show  you  some  of  the  freshman's  sights. 
But  you  must  go  and  get  your  cap  and  gown,  old  fel- 
low, and  then  by  that  time  I  '11  be  ready  for  you." 

Whether  there  are  really  any  sights  in  Oxford  that 
are  more  especially  devoted,  or  adapted,  to  its  fresh- 
men, we  will  not  undertake  to  affirm ;  but  if  there  are, 
they  could  not  have  had  a  better  expositor  than  Mr. 
Charles  Larkyns,  or  a  more  credible  visitor  than  Mr. 
Verdant  Green. 

His  credibility  was  rather  strongly  put  to  the  test  as 
they  turned  into  the  High  Street,  when  his  companion 
directed  his  attention  to  an  individual  on  the  opposite 
side  of  the  street,  with  a  voluminous  gown,  and  enor- 
mous cocked  hat  profusely  adorned  with  gold  lace.  "  I 
suppose  you  know  who  that  is,  Verdant  ?  No  !  Why, 
that 's  the  Bishop  of  Oxford!  Ah,  I  see,  he  's  a  very 
different-looking  man  to  what  you  had  expected ;  but 
then  these  university  robes  so  change  the  appear- 
ance. That  is  his  official  dress,  as  the  Visitor  of  the 
Ashmolean !  " 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  having  "  swallowed "  this,  his 
friend  was  thereby  enabled,  not  only  to  use  up  old 
"sells,"  but  also  to  draw  largely  on  his  invention  for 


AN   OXFORD    FRESHMAN. 


93 


new  ones.  Just  then,  there  came  along  the  street, 
walking  in  a  sort  of  young  procession,  the  Vice- 
Chancellor,  with  his  Esquire  and  Yeoman  bedels.  The 
silver  maces  carried  by  these  latter  gentlemen  made 
them  by  far  the  most  showy  part  of  the  procession, 
and  accordingly  Mr.  Larkyns  seized  the  favourable 
opportunity  to  point  out  the  foremost  bedel  and  say, 
"You  see  that  man  with  the  poker 
and  loose  cap?  Well,  that 's  the  Vice- 
Chancellor.  " 

"  But  what  does  he  walk  in  proces- 
sion for?  "  inquired  our  freshman. 

"  Ah,  poor  man !  "  said  Mr.  Lar- 
kyns, "he's  obliged  to  do  it.  'Un- 
easy lies  the  head  that  wears  a  crown, ' 
you  know;  and  he  can  never  go  any- 
where, or  do  any  thing,  without  carry- 
ing that  poker,  and  having  the  other 
minor  pokers  to  follow  him.  They 
never  leave  him,  not  even  at  night. 
Two  of  the  pokers  stand  on  each  side 
his  bed,  and  relieve  each  other  every 
two  hours.  So,  I  need  hardly  say,  that  he  is  obliged 
to  be  a  bachelor." 

"It  must  be  a  very  wearisome  office,"  remarked  our 
freshman,  who  fully  believed  all  that  was  told  to 
him. 

"Wearisome,  indeed;  and  that's  the  reason  why 
they  are  obliged  to  change  the  Vice-Chancellors  so 
often.  It  would  kill  most  people,  only  they  are  always 
selected  for  their  strength, — and  height,"  he  added, 
as  a  brilliant  idea  just  struck  him.  They  had  turned 
down  Magpie  Lane,  and  so  by  Oriel  College,  where 


94   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 


one  of  the  fire-plug  notices  had  caught  Mr.  Larkyns' 
eye.  "You  see  that,"  he  said;  "well,  that's  one  of 
the  plates  they  put  up  to  record  the  Vice's  height. 
F.  P.  7  feet,  you  see;  the  initials  of  his  name,  — Fred- 
erick Plumptre ! " 

"He  scarcely  seemed  so  tall  as  that,"  said  our  hero, 
"  though  certainly  a  tall  man.  But  the  gown  makes  a 
difference,  I  suppose." 

"His  height  was  a  very  lucky  thing  for  him,  how- 
ever," continued  Mr. 
Larkyns.  "  I  dare 
say  when  you  have 
heard  that  it  was 
only  those  who  stood 
high  in  the  Univer- 
sity that  were  elected 
to  rule  it,  you  little 
thought  of  the  true 
meaning  of  the 
term  ?  " 

"  I  certainly  never 
did,"  said  the  fresh- 
m  a  n,  innocently; 
"  but  I  knew  that  the 
customs  of  Oxford 

must  of  course  be  very  different  from  those  of  other 
places." 

"Yes,  you'll  soon  find  that  out,"  replied  Mr. 
Larkyns,  meaningly.  "But  here  we  are  at  Merton, 
whose  •  Merton  ale  is  as  celebrated  as  Burton  ale. 
You  see  the  man  giving  in  the  letters  to  the  porter? 
Well,  he  's  one  of  their  principal  men.  Each  college 
does  its  own  postal  department;  and  at  Merton  there 


AN   OXFORD   FRESHMAN. 


95 


are  fourteen  postmasters,1  for  they  get  no  end  of  letters 
there." 

"  Oh,  yes ! "  said  our  hero,  "  I  remember  Mr.  Lar- 
kyns,—  your  father,  the  rector,  I  mean, — telling  us 
that  the  son  of  one  of  his  old  friends  had  been  a  post- 
master of  Merton;  but  I  fancied  that  he  had  said  it 
had  something  to  do  with  a  scholarship." 

"Ah,  you  see,  it 's  a  long  while  since  the  governor 
was  here,  and  his  memory  fails  him,"  remarked  Mr. 
Charles  Larkyns,  very 
unfilially.  "Let  us 
turn  down  the  Merton 
fields,  and  round  into 
St.  Aldate's.  We  may 
perhaps  be  in  time 
to  see  the  Vice 
come  down  to  Christ 
Church." 

"What  does  he  go 
there  for?"  asked  Mr. 
Verdant  Green. 

"To  wind  up  the  great  clock,  and  put  big  Tom 
in  order.  Tom  is  the  bell  that  you  hear  at  nine  each 
night;  the  Vice  has  to  see  that  he  is  in  proper  condi- 
tion, and,  as  you  have  seen,  goes  out  with  his  pokers 
for  that  purpose." 

On  their  way,  Charles  Larkyns  pointed  out,  close  to 
Folly  Bridge,  a  house  profusely  decorated  with  figures 
and  indescribable  ornaments,  which  he  informed  our 
freshman  was  Blackfriars'  Hall,  where  all  the  men 
who  had  been  once  plucked  were  obliged  to  migrate 
to;  and  that  Folly  Bridge  received  its  name  from  its 

1  Exhibitioners  of  Merton  College  are  called  "  postmasters." 


96   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

propinquity  to  the  Hall.  They  were  too  late  to  see 
the  Vice-Chancellor  wind  up  the  clock  of  Christ 
Church ;  but  as  they  passed  by  the  college,  they  met 
two  gownsmen  who  recognised  Mr.  Larkyns  by  a 
slight  nod.  "Those  are  two  Christ  Church  men,"  he 
said,  "and  noblemen.  The  one  with  the  Skye-terrier's 
coat  and  eye-glass  is  the  Earl  of  Whitechapel,  the 
Duke  of  Minories'  son.  I  dare  say  you  know  the 
other  man.  No!  Why,  he  is  Lord  Thomas  Peeper, 
eldest  son  of  the  Lord  Godiva  who  hunts  our  county. 
I  knew  him  in  the  field." 

"  But  why  do  they  wear  gold  tassels  to  their  caps  ?  " 
inquired  the  freshman. 

"Ah,"  said  the  ingenious  Mr.  Larkyns,  shaking  his 
head;  "I  had  rather  you'd  not  have  asked  me  that 


question,  because  that 's  the  disgraceful  part  of  the 
business.  But  these  lords,  you  see,  they  will  live  at 
a  faster  pace  than  us  commoners,  who  can't  stand  a 
champagne  breakfast  above  once  a  term  or  so.  Why, 
those  gold  tassels  are  the  badges  of  drunkenness !  " J 

"  Of  drunkenness !  dear  me !  " 

"Yes,  it 's  very  sad,  isn't  it?  "  pursued  Mr.  Larkyns; 

1  As  "Tufts"  and  "Tuft-hunters"  have  become  "household 
words,"  it  is  perhaps  needless  to  tell  any  one  that  the  gold  tassel  is 
the  distinguishing  mark  of  a  nobleman. 


AN   OXFORD    FRESHMAN. 


97 


"and  I  wonder  that  Peeper  in  particular  should  give 
way  to  such  things.  But  you  see  how  they  brazen  it 
out,  and  walk  about  as  coolly  as  though  nothing  had 
happened.  It 's  just  the  same  sort  of  punishment," 
continued  Mr.  Larkyns,  whose  inventive  powers  in- 
creased with  the  demand  that  the  freshman's  gulli- 
bility imposed  upon  them,  —  "  it  is  just  the  same  sort 
of  thing  that  they  do  with  the  Greenwich  pensioners. 
When  they  have  been  transgressing  the  laws  of  sobriety, 
you  know,  they  are  made  marked  men  by  having  to 
wear  a  yellow  coat  as  a  punishment;  and  our  dons 
borrowed  the  idea,  and  made  yellow  tassels  the  badges 
of  intoxication.  But  for  the  credit  of  the  University, 
I  'm  glad  to  say  that  you  '11  not  find  many  men  so 
disgraced." 

They  now  turned  down  the  New  Road,  and  came  to 
a  strongly  castellated  building,  which  Mr.  Larkyns 
pointed  out  (and  truly)  as  Oxford  Castle  or  the  Gaol; 
and  he  added  (untruly),  "  if  you  hear  Botany-Bay  Col- 
lege1 spoken  of,  this  is  the  place  that 's  meant.  It 's 
a  delicate  way  of  referring  to  the  temporary  sojourn 
that  any  undergrad  has  been  forced  to  make  there,  to 
say  that  he  belongs  to  Botany-Bay  College." 

They  now  turned  back,  up  Queen  Street  and  High 
Street,  when,  as  they  were  passing  All  Saints,  Mr. 
Larkyns  pointed  out  a  pale,  intellectual  looking  man 
who  passed  them,  and  said,  "That  man  is  Cram,  the 
patent  safety.  He's  the  first  coach  in  Oxford." 

"  A  coach  !  "  said  our  freshman,  in  some  wonder. 

"Oh,  I  forgot  you  didn't  know  college-slang.  I 
suppose  a  royal  mail  is  the  only  gentleman  coach  that 

1  A  name  given  to  Worcester  College,  from  its  being  the  most 
distant  college. 
7 


98   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

you  know  of.  Why,  in  Oxford,  a  coach  means  a  pri- 
vate tutor,  you  must  know;  and  those  who  can't  afford 
a  coach,  get  a  cab  —  alias  a  crib,  — alias  a  translation. 
You  see,  Verdant,  you  are  gradually  being  initiated 
into  Oxford  mysteries." 

"  I  am  indeed,"  said  our  hero,  to  whom  a  new  world 
was  opening. 

They  had  now  turned  round  by  the  west  end  of  St. 
Mary's,  and  were  passing  Brasenose;  and  Mr.  Larkyns 

drew  Verdant 's  at- 
tention to  the  bra- 
zen nose  that  is  such 
a  conspicuous  object 
over  the  entrance- 
gate.  "That,"  said 

he,  "was  modelled  from  a  cast  of  the  Principal  fea- 
ture of  the  first  Head  of  the  college;  and  so  the 
college  was  named  Brazen-nose.1  The  nose  was  for- 

1  Although  we  have  a  great  respect  for  Mr.  Larkyns,  yet  we 
strongly  suspect  that  he  is  intentionally  deceiving  his  friend.  He 
has,  however,  the  benefit  of  a  doubt,  as  the  authorities  differ  on  the 
origin  and  meaning  of  the  word  Brasenose,  as  may  be  seen  by  the 
following  notices,  to  the  last  two  of  which  the  editor  of  "  Notes 
and  Queries  "  has  directed  our  attention  :  — 

"  This  curious  appellation,  which,  whatever  was  the  origin  of  it, 
has  been  perpetuated  by  the  symbol  of  a  brazen  nose  here  and  at 
Stamford,  occurs  with  the  modern  orthography,  but  in  one  undi- 
vided word,  so  early  as  1278,  in  an  inquisition  now  printed  in  '  The 
Hundred  Rolls,'  though  quoted  by  Wood  from  the  manuscript 
record."  —  Ingrain's  Memorials  of  Oxford. 

"  There  is  a  spot  in  the  centre  of  the  city  where  Alfred  is  said 
to  have  lived,  and  which  may  be  called  the  native  place  or  river 
head  of  three  separate  societies  still  existing,  University,  Oriel,  and 
Brasenose.  Brasenose  claims  his  palace,  Oriel  his  church,  and 
University  his  school  or  academy.  Of  these,  Brasenose  College  is 


AN   OXFORD   FRESHMAN.  99 

merly  used  as  a  place  of  punishment  for  any  mis- 
behaving Brazennosian,  who  had  to  sit  upon  it  for 
two  hours,  and  was  not  countenanced  until  he  had 
done  so.  These  punishments  were  so  frequent  that 
they  gradually  wore  down  the  nose  to  its  present  small 
dimensions. 

"This  round  building,"  continued  Mr.  Larkyns, 
pointing  to  the  Radcliffe,  "  is  the  Vice-Chancellor's 
house.  He  has  to  go  each  night  up  to  that  balcony  on 
the  top,  and  look  round  to  see  if  all 's  safe.  Those 
heads,"  he  said,  as  they  passed  the  Ashmolean,  "are 
supposed  to  be  the  twelve  Caesars ;  only  there  happen, 
I  believe,  to  be  thirteen  of  them.  I  think  that  they 
are  the  busts  of  the  original  Heads  of  Houses." 

Mr.    Larkyns'    inventive  powers   having   been   now 

still  called  in  its  formal  style  '  the  King's  Hall,'  which  is  the  name 
by  which  Alfred  himself,  in  his  laws,  calls  his  palace ;  and  it  has  its 
present  singular  name  from  a  corruption  of  brasinium,  or  brasin- 
huse,  as  having  been  originally  located  in  that  part  of  the  royal 
mansion  which  was  devoted  to  the  then  important  accommodation 
of  a  brew-house."  —  From  a  Review  of  Ingrain's  Memorials  in  the 
British  Critic,  vol.  xxiv.  p.  139. 

"  Brasen  Nose  Hall,  as  the  Oxford  antiquary  has  shown,  may 
be  traced  as  far  back  as  the  time  of  Henry  III.,  about  the  middle 
of  the  thirteenth  century ;  and  early  in  the  succeeding  reign,  6th 
Edward  I.,  1278,  it  was  known  by  the  name  of  Brasen  Nose  Hall, 
which  peculiar  name  was  undoubtedly  owing,  as  the  same  author 
observes,  to  the  circumstance  of  a  nose  of  brass  affixed  to  the  gate. 
It  is  presumed,  however,  that  this  conspicuous  appendage  of  the 
portal  was  not  formed  of  the  mixed  metal  which  the  word  now 
denotes,  but  the  genuine  produce  of  the  mine ;  as  is  the  nose,  or 
rather  face,  of  a  lion  or  leopard  still  remaining  at  Stamford,  which 
also  gave  name  to  the  edifice  it  adorned.  And  hence,  when  Henry 
VIII.  debased  the  coin  by  an  alloy  of  copper,  it  was  a  common 
remark  or  proverb,  that  '  Testons  were  gone  to  Oxford,  to  study  in 
Brasen  Nose.'  "  —  Churtorfs  Life  of  Bishop  Smyth,  p.  227. 


100  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

somewhat  exhausted,  he  proposed  that  they  should  go 
back  to  Brazenface  and  have  some  lunch.  This  they 
did;  after  which  Mr.  Verdant  Green  wrote  to  his 
mother  a  long  account  of  his  friend's  kindness,  and 
the  trouble  he  had  taken  to  explain  the  most  interest- 
ing sights  that  could  be  seen  by  a  Freshman. 

"Are  you  writing  to  your  governor,  Verdant?" 
asked  the  friend,  who  had  made  his  way  to  our  hero's 
rooms,  and  was  now  perfuming  them  with  a  little 
tobacco-smoke. 

"  No ;  I  am  writing  to  my  mama  —  mother,  I  mean !  " 

"Oh,  to  the  missis!"  was  the  reply;  "that's  just 
the  same.  Well,  had  you  not  better  take  the  oppor- 
tunity to  ask  them  to  send  you  a  proper  certificate 
that  you  have  been  vaccinated,  and  had  the  measles 
favourably?  " 

"But  what  is  that  for?"  inquired  our  Freshman, 
always  anxious  to  learn.  "  Your  father  sent  up  the 
certificate  of  my  baptism,  and  I  thought  that  was  the 
only  one  wanted." 

"Oh,"  said  Mr.  Charles  Larkyns,  "they  give  you 
no  end  of  trouble  at  these  places;  and  they  require 
the  vaccination  certificate  before  you  go  in  for  your 
responsions,  —  the  Little-go,  you  know.  You  need 
not  mention  my  name  in  your  letter  as  having  told 
you  this.  It  will  be  quite  enough  to  say  that  you 
understand  such  a  thing  is  required." 

Verdant  accordingly  penned  the  request ;  and  Charles 
Larkyns  smoked  on,  and  thought  his  friend  the  very 
beau-ideal  of  a  Freshman.  "By  the  way,  Verdant," 
he  said,  desirous  not  to  lose  any  opportunity,  "you  are 
going  to  wine  with  Smalls  this  evening;  and  —  excuse 
me  mentioning  it  —  but  I  suppose  you  would  go  prop- 


AN   OXFORD   FRESHMAN. 


101 


erly  dressed,  —  white  tie,  kids,  and  that  sort  of  thing, 
eh  ?  Well !  ta,  ta,  till  then.  '  We  meet  again  at 
Philippi!'" 

Acting  upon  the  hint  thus  given,  our  hero,  when 
Hall  was  over,  made  himself  uncommonly  spruce  in  a 
new  white  tie  and  spotless  kids ;  and  as  he  was  dress- 
ing, drew  a  mental  picture  of  the  party  to  which  he 
was  going.  It  was  to  be  composed  of  quiet,  steady 
men,  who  were  such  hard  readers  as  to  be  called  "  fast 
men."  He  should  therefore  hear  some  delightful  and 
rational  conversa- 
tion on  the  litera- 
ture of  ancient 
Greece  and  Rome, 
the  present  stand- 
ard of  scholarship 
in  the  University, 
speculations  on  the 
forthcoming  prize- 
poems,  comparisons 
between  various  ex- 
pectant class-men, 

and  delightful  topics  of  a  kindred  nature;  and  the 
evening  would  be  passed  in  a  grave  and  sedate  man- 
ner; and  after  a  couple  of  glasses  of  wine  had  been 
leisurely  sipped,  they  should  have  a  very  enjoyable 
tea,  and  would  separate  for  an  early  rest,  mutually 
gratified  and  improved.  This  was  the  nature  of  Mr. 
Verdant  Green's  speculations;  but  whether  they  were 
realised  or  no,  may  be  judged  by  transferring  the  scene 
a  few  hours  later  to  Mr.  Smalls'  room. 


102  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 


CHAPTER  VIII. 

MR.   VERDANT    GREEN'S    MORNING    REFLECTIONS    ARE 
NOT   SO    PLEASANT   AS   HIS   EVENING   DIVERSIONS. 

MR.  SMALLS'  room 
was  filled  with 
smoke  and  noise. 
Supper  had  been 
cleared  away;  the 
glasses  were  now 
sparkling  on  the 
board,  and  the  wine 
was  ruby  bright. 
The  table,  more- 
over, was  supplied  with  spirituous  liquors  and  mixtures 
of  all  descriptions,  together  with  many  varieties  of 
"cup,"-— a  cup  which  not  only  cheers,  but  occasion- 
ally inebriates ;  and  this  miscellany  of  liquids  was  now 
being  drunk  on  the  premises  by  some  score  and  a  half 
of  gentlemen,  who  were  sitting  round  the  table,  and 
standing  or  lounging  about  in  various  parts  of  the  room. 
Heading  the  table,  sat  the  host,  loosely  attired  in  a  neat 
dressing-gown  of  crimson  and  blue,  in  an  attitude  which 
allowed  him  to  swing  his  legs  easily,  if  not  gracefully, 
over  the  arm  of  his  chair,  and  to  converse  cheerfully 
with  Charles  Larkyns,  who  was  leaning  over  the  chair- 
back.  Visible  to  the  naked  eye,  on  Mr.  Smalls'  left 


AN   OXFORD    FRESHMAN. 


103 


hand,   appeared  the  white  tie   and  full  evening  dress 
which  decorated  the  person  of  Mr.  Verdant  Green. 

A  great  consumption  of  tobacco  was  going  on,  not 
only  through  the  medium  of  cigars,  but  also  of  meer- 
schaums, short  "dhudheens"  of  envied  colour,  and  the 


genuine  yard  of  clay;  and  Verdant,  while  he  was 
scarcely  aware  of  what  he  was  doing,  found  himself,  to 
his  great  amazement,  with  a  real  cigar  in  his  mouth, 
which  he  was  industriously  sucking,  and  with  great 
difficulty  keeping  alight.  Our  hero  felt  that  the 
unexpected  exigencies  of  the  case  demanded  from  him 
some  sacrifice;  while  he  consoled  himself  by  the 
reflection,  that,  on  the  homoeopathic  principle  of  "  likes 


IO4  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

cure  likes,"  a  cigar  was  the  best  preventive  against 
any  ill  effects  arising  from  the  combination  of  the 
thirty  gentlemen  who  were  generating  smoke  with  all 
the  ardour  of  lime-kilns  or  young  volcanoes,  and  filling 
Mr.  Smalls'  small  room  with  an  atmosphere  that  was 
of  the  smoke,  smoky.  Smoke  produces  thirst;  and 
the  cup,  punch,  egg-flip,  sherry-cobblers,  and  other 
liquids,  which  had  been  so  liberally  provided,  were 
being  consumed  by  the  members  of  the  party  as  though 
it  had  been  their  drink  from  childhood ;  while  the  con- 
versation was  of  a  kind  very  different  to  what  our  hero 
had  anticipated,  being  for  the  most  part  vapid  and 
unmeaning,  and  (must  it  be  confessed?)  occasionally 
too  highly  flavoured  with  improprieties  for  it  to  be 
faithfully  recorded  in  these  pages  of  most  perfect 
propriety. 

The  literature  of  ancient  Greece  and  Rome  was  not 
even  referred  to;  and  when  Verdant,  who,  from  the 
unusual  combination  of  the  smoke  and  liquids,  was 
beginning  to  feel  extremely  amiable  and  talkative, 
made  a  reflective  observation  (addressed  to  the  com- 
pany generally)  which  sounded  like  the  words,  "  Nunc 
vino  pellite  curas,  Cras  ingens,"1  he  was  immedi- 
ately interrupted  by  the  voice  of  Mr.  Bouncer,  crying 
out,  "Who's  that  talking  shop  about  engines?  Holloa, 
Gig-lamps !  "  —  Mr.  Bouncer,  it  must  be  observed,  had 
facetiously  adopted  the  sobriquet  which  had  been 
bestowed  on  Verdant  and  his  spectacles  on  their  first 
appearance  outside  the  Oxford  coach,  —  "  Holloa,  Gig- 
lamps,  is  that  you  ill-treating  the  dead  languages  ?  I'm 
ashamed  of  you !  a  venerable  party  like  you  ought  to 
be  above  such  things.  There!  don't  blush,  old  feller, 

1  Horace,  Car.  i.  od.  vii. 


AN   OXFORD   FRESHMAN.  IO5 

but  give  us  a  song!  It  's  the  punishment  for  talking 
shop,  you  know." 

There  was  an  immediate  hammering  of  tables  and 
jingling  of  glasses,  accompanied  with  loud  cries  of 
"Mr.  Green  for  a  song!  Mr.  Green!  Mr.  Gig-lamps' 
song!"  cries  which  nearly  brought  our  hero  to  the 
verge  of  idiotcy. 

Charles  Larkyns  saw  this,  and  came  to  the  rescue. 
"Gentlemen,"  he  said,  addressing  the  company,  "I 
know  that  my  friend  Verdant  can  sing,  and  that,  like 
a  good  bird,  he  will  sing.  But  while  he  is  mentally 
looking  over  his  numerous  stock  of  songs,  and  select- 
ing one  for  our  amusement,  I  beg  to  fill  up  our 
valuable  time,  by  asking  you  to  fill  up  a  bumper  to  the 
health  of  our  esteemed  host  Smalls  (vociferous  cheers), 
—  a  man  whose  private  worth  is  only  to  be  equalled  by 
the  purity  of  his  milk-punch  and  the  excellence  of  his 
weeds  (hear,  hear).  Bumpers,  gentlemen,  and  no 
heel-taps!  and  though  I  am  sorry  to  interfere  with 
Mr.  Fosbrooke's  private  enjoyments,  yet  I  must  beg 
to  suggest  to  him  that  he  has  been  so  much  engaged 
in  drowning  his  personal  cares  in  the  bowl  over  which 
he  is  so  skilfully  presiding,  that  my  glass  has  been 
allowed  to  sparkle  on  the  board  empty  and  useless." 
And  as  Charles  Larkyns  held  out  his  glass  towards 
Mr.  Fosbrooke  and  the  punch-bowl,  he  trolled  out,  in 
a  rich,  manly  voice,  old  Cowley's  anacreontic: 

"  Fill  up  the  bowl  then,  fill  it  high  ! 
Fill  all  the  glasses  there  !     For  why 
Should  every  creature  drink  but  I  ? 
Why,  man  of  morals,  tell  me  why  ?  " 

By  the  time  that  the  "  man  of  morals  "  had  ladled  out 
for  the  company,  and  that  Mr.  Smalls'  health  had  been 


IO6  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

drunk  and  responded  to  amid  uproarious  applause, 
Charles  Larkyns'  friendly  diversion  in  our  hero's 
favour  had  succeeded,  and  Mr.  Verdant  Green  had 
regained  his  confidence,  and  had  decided  upon  one 
of  those  vocal  efforts  which,  in  the  bosom  of  his  own 
family,  and  to  the  pianoforte  accompaniment  of  his 
sisters,  was  accustomed  to  meet  with  great  applause. 
And  when  he  had  hastily  tossed  off  another  glass  of 
milk-punch  (merely  to  clear  his  throat),  he  felt  bold 
enough  to  answer  the  spirit-rappings  which  were  again 
demanding  "Mr.  Green's  song!  "  It  was  given  much 
in  the  following  manner: 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  (in  low  plaintive  tones,  and  fresh 
alarm  at  hearing  the  sounds  of  liis  own  voice).  "  I 
dreamt  that  I  dwe-elt  in  mar-arble  halls,  with  "  — 

Mr.  Bouncer  (interrupting).  "  Spit  it  out,  Gig- 
lamps  !  Dis  child  can't  hear  whether  it 's  Maudlin 
Hall  you  're  singing  about,  or  what." 

Omnes.     "Order!   or-der  !     Shut  up,  Bouncer !" 

Charles  Larkyns  (encouragingly).  "  Try  back,  Ver- 
dant: never  mind." 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  (tries  back,  with  increased  confu- 
sion of  ideas,  resulting  principally  from  the  milk-punch 
and  tobacco}.  "  I  dreamt  that  I  dwe-elt  in  mar-arble 
halls,  with  vassals  and  serfs  at  my  si-hi-hide ;  and  — 
and—  I  beg  your  pardon,  gentlemen,  I  really  forget  — 
oh,  I  know !  —  and  I  also  dre-eamt,  which  pie-eased  me 
most  —  no,  that's  not  it"  — 

Mr.  Bouncer  (who  does  not  particularly  care  for  the 
words  of  a  song,  but  only  appreciates  the  chorus)  — 
"  That  '11  do,  old  feller  !  We  aint  pertickler  (rushes  with 
great  deliberation  and  noise  to  tJie  chorus},  —  That  you 
lo-oved  me  sti-ill  the  sa-ha-hame  —  chorus,  gentlemen  !  " 


AN   OXFORD    FRESHMAN.  IO/ 

Omnes  (in  various  keys  and  time).  "  That  you  lo-oved 
me  sti-ill  the  same." 

Mr.  Bouncer  (to  Mr.  Green,  alluding  remotely  to  the 
opera),  "  Now,  my  Bohemian  gal,  can't  you  come  out 
to-night  ?  Spit  us  out  a  yard  or  two  more,  Gig-lamps." 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  (who  has  again  taken  the  oppor- 
tunity to  clear  his  throat).  "  I  dreamt  that  I  dwe-elt  in 
mar-arble  —  no  !  I  beg  pardon  !  sang  that  (desperately) 
—  that  sui-uitors  sou-ught  my  hand,  that  knights  on 
their  (hie)  ben-ended  kne-e-ee  —  had  (hie)  riches  too 
gre-eat  to  "  —  ( Mr.  Verdant  Green  smiles  benignantly 
upon  the  company). —  "  Don't  rec'lect  anymo." 

Mr.  Bouncer  (who  is  not  to  be  defrauded  of  the  chorus). 
"Chorus,  gentlemen! — That  you'll  lo-ove  me  sti-ill 
the  sa-a-hame !  " 

Omnes  (ad libitum).  "That  you'll  lo-ove  me  sti-ill 
the  same !  " 

Though  our  hero  had  ceased  to  sing,  he  was  still 
continuing  to  clear  his  throat  by  the  aid  of  the  milk- 
punch,  and  was  again  industriously  sucking  his  cigar, 
which  he  had  not  yet  succeeded  in  getting  half  through, 
although  he  had  re-lighted  it  about  twenty  times.  All 
this  was  observed  by  the  watchful  eyes  of  Mr.  Bouncer, 
who,  whispering  to  his  neighbour,  and  bestowing  a  dis- 
tributive wink  on  the  company  generally,  rose  and 
made  the  following  remarks  :  — 

"  Mr.  Smalls,  and  gents  all:  I  don't  often  get  on  my 
pins  to  trouble  you  with  a  neat  and  appropriate  speech ; 
but  on  an  occasion  like  the  present,  when  we  are 
honoured  with  the  presence  of  a  party  who  has  just 
delighted  us  with  what  I  may  call  a  flood  of  harmony 
(hear,  hear),  —  and  has  pitched  it  so  uncommon  strong 
in  the  vocal  line,  as  to  considerably  take  the  shine  out 


108  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

of  the  woodpecker-tapping,  that  we  Ve  read  of  in  the 
pages  of  history  (hear,  hear :  "  Go  it  again,  Bouncer  /  "), 
—  when,  gentlemen,  I  see  before  me  this  old  original 
Little  Wobbler,  —  need  I  say  that  I  allude  to  Mr.  Ver- 
dant Green?  (vociferous  cheers} — I  feel  it  a  sort  of, 
what  you  call  a  privilege,  d  'ye  see,  to  stand  on  my 
pins,  and  propose  that  respected  party's  jolly  good 
health  (renewed  cheers}.  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  gentle- 
men, has  but  lately  come  among  us,  and  is,  in  point  of 
fact,  what  you  call  a  freshman ;  but,  gentlemen,  we  Ve 
already  seen  enough  of  him  to  feel  aware  that  —  that 
Brazenface  has  gained  an  acquisition,  which — which  — 
(cries  of  "  Tally-ho  !  Yoicks  !  Hark  forrud!  ")  Exactly 
so,  gentlemen:  so,  as  I  see  you  are  all  anxious  to  do 
honour  to  our  freshman,  I  beg,  without  further  preface, 
to  give  you  the  health  of  Mr.  Verdant  Green !  With 
all  the  honours.  Chorus,  gents ! 

"  For  he 's  a  jolly  good  fellow  ! 
For  he 's  a  jolly  good  fellow  !  ! 
For  he  's  a  jolly  good  f-e-e-ell-ow  !  !  ! 
Which  nobody  can  deny  !  " 

This  chorus  was  taken  up  and  prolonged  in  the  most 
indefinite  manner;  little  Mr.  Bouncer  fairly  revelling  in 
it,  and  only  regretting  that  he  had  not  his  post-horn 
with  him  to  further  contribute  to  the  harmony  of  the 
evening.  It  seemed  to  be  a  great  art  in  the  singers  of 
the  chorus  to  dwell  as  long  as  possible  on  the  third 
repetition  of  the  word  "  fellow,"  and  in  the  most  defiant 
manner  to  pounce  down  on  the  bold  affirmation  by 
which  it  is  followed ;  and  then  to  lyrically  proclaim 
that,  not  only  was  it  a  way  they  had  in  the  Varsity 
to  drive  dull  care  away,  but  that  the  same  practice  was 
also  pursued  in  the  army  and  navy  for  the  attainment 
of  a  similar  end. 


AN   OXFORD    FRESHMAN. 


When  the  chorus  had  been  sung  over  three  or  four 
times,  and  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  name  had  been  pro- 
claimed with  equal  noise,  that  gentleman  rose  (with 
great  difficulty),  to  return  thanks.  He  was  understood 
to  speak  as  follows :  — 

"  Genelum     anladies     (cheers), —  I     meangenelum. 
("  That  's  about    the    ticket,   old  feller!"  from    Mr. 


Bouncer.}  Customd  syam  plic  speakn,  I  —  I — (hear, 
hear)  —  feel  bliged  drinkmyel.  I  'm  fresman,  genelum, 
and  prow  title  (loud  cheers).  Myfren  Misserboucer,  fal- 
lowme  callm  myfren  !  ("/«  course,  Gig-lamps,  you  do 
me  proud,  old  feller''}  Myfren  Misserboucer  seszime 
fresman — prow  title,  sureyou  (hear,  hear}.  Genelmun, 
werall  jolgoodfles,  anwe  wogohotillmorrin !  ("  We 
won't,  we  won't  !  not  a  bit  of  it  /")  Gelmul,  I  'm  fres- 
mal,  an  namesgreel,  gelmul  (cheers).  Fanyul  dousmewor, 
herescardinpock 'lltellm  !  Misser  Verdalgreel,  Braseface, 


1 10  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

Oxul  fresmal,  anprowtitle !  {Great  cheering  and  rat- 
tling of  glasses,  during  which  Mr.  Verdant  Green's 
coat-tails  are  made  the  receptacles  for  empty  bottles,  lob- 
sters' claws,  and  other  miscellaneous  articles.}  Misser- 
boucer  said  was  fresmal.  If  Misserboucer  wantsultme 
("  No,  no  /"),here  scardinpocklltellm  namesverdalgreel, 
Braseface  !  Not  shameofitgelmul !  prowtitle  !  (Great 
applause?)  I  doewaltilsul  Misserboucer!  thenwhysee 
sultme?  thaswaw  Iwaltknow !  {Loud  cheers,  and  roars 
of  laughter,  in  which  Mr.  Verdant  Green  suddenly  joins 
to  the  best  of  his  ability.}  I  'm  anoxful  fresmal,  gelmul, 
'fmyfrel  Misserboucer  loumecallimso.  (Cheers  and 
laughter,  in  which  Mr.  Verdant  Green  feebly  joins?) 
Anweer  all  jolgoodfles,  anwe  wogohotilmorril,  an  I  'm 
fresmal,  gelmul,  anfanyul  dowsmewor  —  an  I  —  doefeel 
quiwell !  " 

This  was  the  termination  of  Mr.  Verdant  Green's 
speech,  for  after  making  a  few  unintelligible  sounds,  his 
knees  suddenly  gave  way,  and  with  a  benevolent  smile 
he  disappeared  beneath  the  table. 

Half  an  hour  afterwards  two  gentlemen  might  have 
been  seen,  bearing  with  staggering  steps  across  the 
moonlit  quad  the  huddled  form  of  a  third  gentleman, 
who  was  clothed  in  full  evening  dress,  and  appeared 
incapable  of  taking  care  of  himself.  The  two  first  gen- 
tlemen set  down  their  burden  under  an  open  doorway, 
painted  over  with  a  large  4  ;  and  then,  by  pulling  and 
pushing,  assisted  it  to  guide  its  steps  up  a  narrow  and 
intricate  staircase,  until  they  had  gained  the  third  floor, 
and  stood  before  a  door,  over  which  the  moonlight 
revealed,  in  newly-painted  white  letters,  the  name  of 
"  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN." 


AN   OXFORD   FRE6HMAN. 


Ill 


"Well,  old  feller,"  said  the  first  gentleman,  "how 
do  you  feel  now,  after  '  Sich  a  getting  up  stairs? ' ' 

"  Feel  much  berrer  now,"  said  their  late  burden ; 
"  feel  quitecomfurble  !  Shallgotobed  !  " 

"  Well,  Gig-lamps,"  said  the  first  speaker,  "  and  By- 
by  won't  be  at  all  a  bad  move  for  you.  D'ye  think  you 
can  unrig  yourself  and  get  between  the  sheets,  eh,  my 
beauty?" 

"  Its  allri,  allri !  "  was  the  reply ;   "  limycandle  !  " 

"  No,  no,"  said  the  sec- 
ond gentleman,  as  he  pulled 
up  the  window-blind,  and 
let  in  the  moonlight; 
"  here 's  quite  as  much  light 
as  you  want.  It 's  almost 
morning." 

"Sotis,"  said  the  gen- 
tleman in  the  evening 
costume;  "  anlittlebirds 
beginsingsoon !  Hike  lit- 

tlebirds  sing !  jollittlebirds !  "  The  speaker  had  sud- 
denly fallen  upon  his  bed,  and  was  lying  thereon  at 
full  length,  with  his  feet  on  the  pillow. 

"  He  '11  be  best  left  in  this  way,"  said  the  second 
speaker,  as  he  removed  the  pillow  to  the  proper  place, 
and  raised  the  prostrate  gentleman's  head ;  "  I  '11  take 
off  his  choker  and  make  him  easy  about  the  neck,  and 
then  we  '11  shut  him  up  and  leave  him.  Why  the  beg- 
gar 's  asleep  already !  "  And  so  the  two  gentlemen  went 
away,  and  left  him  safe  and  sleeping. 

It  is  conjectured,  however,  that  he  must  have  got  up 
shortly  after  this,  and  finding  himself  with  his  clothes 
on,  must  have  considered  that  a  lighted  candle  was 


112  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

indispensably  necessary  to  undress  by;  for  when  Mrs. 
Tester  came  at  her  usual  early  hour  to  light  the  fires 
and  prepare  the  sitting-rooms,  she  discovered  him  lying 
on  the  carpet  embracing  the  coal-skuttle,  with  a  candle 
by  his  side.  The  good  woman  raised  him,  and  did  not 
leave  him  until  she  had,  in  the  most  motherly  manner, 
safely  tucked  him  up  in  bed. 

Clink,  clank!  clink,  clank!  tingle,  tangle!  tingle, 
tangle!  Are  demons  smiting  ringing  hammers  into 
Mr.  Verdant  Green's  brain,  or  is  the  dreadful  bell 
summoning  him  to  rise  for  morning  chapel? 

Mr.  Filcher  puts 
an  end  to  the  doubt 
by  putting  his  head  in 
at  the  bedroom  door, 
and  saying,  "  Time 
f  o  r  chapel,  sir!  — 
Chapel,"  thought  Mr. 
Filcher;  "here  is  a 
chap  ill,  indeed  !  — 
Bain't  you  well,  sir? 
Restless  you  look !  " 
Oh,  the  shame  and 
agony  that  Mr.  Ver- 
dant Green  felt !  The 
desire  to  bury  his 

head  under  the  clothes,  away  from  Robert's  and  every 
one  else's  sight ;  the  fever  that  throbbed  his  brain  and 
parched  his  lips,  and  made  him  long  to  drink  up  Ocean ; 
the  eyes  that  felt  like  burning  lead  ;  the  powerless 
hands  that  trembled  like  a  weak  old  man's ;  the  voice 
that  came  in  faltering  tones  that  jarred  the  brain  at  every 


AN   OXFORD    FRESHMAN.  113 

word !  How  he  despised  himself;  how  he  loathed  the 
very  idea  of  wine;  how  he  resolved  never,  never  to 
transgress  so  again !  But  perhaps  Mr.  Verdant  Green 
was  not  the  only  Oxford  freshman  who  has  made  this 
resolution. 

"  Bain't  you  well,  sir?"  repeated  Mr.  Filcher,  with 
a  passing  thought  that  freshmen  were  sadly  degener- 
ating, and  could  not  manage  their  three  bottles  as  they 
did  when  he  was  first  a  scout:  "  hain't  you  well,  sir?  " 

"  Not  very  well,  Robert,  thank  you.  I  —  my  head 
aches,  and  I  'm  afraid  I  shall  not  be  able  to  get  up  for 
chapel.  Will  the  Master  be  very  angry?  " 

"  Well,  he  might  be,  you  see,  sir,"  replied  Mr.  Filcher, 
who  never  lost  an  opportunity  of  making  any  thing 
out  of  his  master's  infirmities ;  "  but  if  you  '11  leave  it  to 
me,  sir,  I '11  make  it  all  right  for  you,  /will.  Of  course 
you  'd  like  to  take  out  an  ceger,  sir ;  and  I  can  bring  you 
your  Commons  just  the  same.  Will  that  do,  sir?  " 

"  Oh,  thank  you  ;  yes,  any  thing.  You  will  find  five 
shillings  in  my  waistcoat-pocket,  Robert;  please  to 
take  it;  but  I  can't  eat." 

"  Thank  'ee,  sir,"  said  the  scout,  as  he  abstracted  the 
five  shillings ;  "  but  you  'd  better  have  a  bit  of  some- 
thin',  sir; — a  cup  of  strong  tea,  or  somethin'.  Mr. 
Smalls,  sir,  when  he  were  pleasant,  he  always  had  beer, 
sir;  but  p'raps  you  ain't  been  used  to  bein'  pleasant, 
sir,  and  slops  might  suit  you  better,  sir." 

"  Oh,  any  thing,  any  thing !  "  groaned  our  poor, 
unheroic  hero,  as  he  turned  his  face  to  the  wall,  and 
endeavoured  to  recollect  in  what  way  he  had  been 
"  pleasant "  the  night  before.  But,  alas !  the  wells  of 
his  memory  had,  for  the  time,  been  poisoned,  and 
nothing  clear  or  pure  could  be  drawn  therefrom.  So 
8 


114  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

he  got  up  and  looked  at  himself  in  the  glass,  and 
scarcely  recognised  the  tangled-haired,  sallow-faced 
wretch,  whose  bloodshot  eyes  gazed  heavily  at  him 
from  the  mirror.  So  he  nervously  drained  the  water- 
bottle,  and  buried  himself  once  more  among  the  tossed 
and  tumbled  bed-clothes. 

The  tea  really  did  him  some  good,  and  enabled  him 
to  recover  sufficient  nerve  to  go  feebly  through  the 
operation  of  dressing;  though  it  was  lucky  that  nature 
had  not  yet  brought  Mr.  Verdant  Green  to  the  necessity 
of  shaving,  for  the  handling  of  a  razor  might  have  been 
attended  with  suicidal  results,  and  have  brought  these 
veracious  memoirs  and  their  hero  to  an  untimely  end. 

He  had  just  sat  down  to  a  second  edition  of  tea,  and 
was  reading  a  letter  that  the  post  had  brought  him 
from  his  sister  Mary,  in  which  she  said,  "  I  dare  say 
by  this  time  you  have  found  Mr.  Charles  Larkyns  a 
very  delightful  companion,  and  I  am  sure  a  very  valu- 
able one ;  as,  from  what  the  rector  says,  he  appears  to 
be  so  steady,  and  has  such  nice  quiet  companions :  " 
our  hero  had  read  as  far  as  this,  when  a  great  noise  just 
without  his  door  caused  the  letter  to  drop  from  his 
trembling  hands ;  and  between  loud  fanfares  from  a 
posthorn,  and  heavy  thumps  upon  the  oak,  a  voice  was 
heard,  demanding  "  Entrance  in  the  Proctor's  name." 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  had  for  the  first  time  "  sported  his 
oak."  Under  any  circumstances  it  would  have  been  a 
mere  form,  since  his  bashful  politeness  would  have 
induced  him  to  open  it  to  any  comer;  but,  at  the 
dreaded  name  of  the  Proctor,  he  sprang  from  his  chair, 
and  while  impositions,  rustications, and  expulsions  rushed 
tumultuously  through  his  disordered  brain,  he  nervously 
undid  the  spring  lock,  and  admitted  —  not  the  Proctor, 


AN  OXFORD   FRESHMAN.  JI5 

but  the  "  steady  "  Mr.  Charles  Larkyns  and  his  "  nice 
quiet  companion,"  little  Mr.  Bouncer,  who  testified  his 
joy  at  the  success  of  their  coup  cTttat  by  blowing  on  his 
horn  loud  blasts  that  might  have  been  borne  by  Fon- 
tarabian  echoes,  and  which  rang  through  poor  Verdant's 
head  with  indescribable  jarrings. 

"  Well,  Verdant,"  said  Charles  Larkyns,  "  how  do  you 
find  yourself  this  morning?  You  look  rather  shaky." 

"  He  ain't  a  very  lively  picter,  is  he?  "  remarked  little 
Mr.  Bouncer,  with  the  air  of  a  connoisseur;  "  peakyish 
you  feel,  don't  you,  now,  with  a  touch  of  the  mulligrubs 
in  your  collywobbles?  Ah,  I  know  what  it  is,  my  boy." 

It  was  more  than  our  hero  did ;  and  he  could  only 
reply  that  he  did  not  feel  very  well.  "I  —  I  had  a 
glass  of  claret  after  some  lobster-salad,  and  I  think  it 
disagreed  with  me." 

"  Not  a  doubt  of  it,  Verdant,"  said  Charles  Larkyns 
very  gravely ;  "  it  would  have  precisely  the  same  effect 
that  the  salmon  always  has  at  a  public  dinner,  —  bring 
on  great  hilarity,  succeeded  by  a  pleasing  delirium,  and 
concluding  in  a  horizontal  position,  and  a  demand  for 
soda-water." 

"  I  hope,"  said  our  hero,  rather  faintly,  "  that  I  did 
not  conduct  myself  in  an  unbecoming  manner  last  night ; 
for  I  am  sorry  to  say  that  I  do  not  remember  all  that 
occurred." 

"  I  should  think  not,  Gig-lamps.  You  were  as  drunk 
as  a  besom,"  said  little  Mr.  Bouncer,  with  a  side  wink  to 
Mr.  Larkyns,  to  prepare  that  gentleman  for  what  was  to 
follow.  "  Why,  you  got  on  pretty  well  till  old  Slow- 
coach came  in,  and  then  you  certainly  did  go  it,  and  no 
mistake !  " 

"  Mr.   Slowcoach  !  "   groaned  the  freshman.     "  Good 


Il6  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

gracious  !  is  it  possible  that  he  saw  me?  I  don't  remem- 
ber it." 

"  And  it  would  be  lucky  for  you  if  he  did  n't,"  replied 
Mr.  Bouncer.  "  Why  his  rooms,  you  know,  are  in  the 
same  angle  of  the  quad  as  Smalls';  so,  when  you  came 
to  shy  the  empty  bottles  out  of  Smalls'  window  at  his 
window,  — " 

"  Shy  empty  bottles  !   Oh  !  "  gasped  the  freshman. 

"  Why,  of  course,  you  see,  he  could  n't  stand  that  sort 
of  game,  • —  it  was  n't  to  be  expected  ;  so  he  puts  his 
head  out  of  the  bedroom  window,  —  and  then,  don't  you 
remember  crying  out,  as  you  pointed  to  the  tassel  of  his 
night-cap  sticking  up  straight  on  end,  '  Tally-ho ! 
Unearth'd  at  last !  Look  at  his  brush !  '  Don't  you 
remember  that,  Gig-lamps?  " 

"  Oh,  oh,  no !  "  groaned  Mr.  Bouncer's  victim ;  "  I 
can't  remember,  —  oh,  what  could  have  induced  me  !  " 

"  By  Jove,  you  must  have  been  screwed  !  Then  I 
dare  say  you  don't  remember  wanting  to  have  a  polka 
with  him,  when  he  came  up  to  Smalls'  rooms?  " 

"  A  polka  !     Oh,  dear  !     Oh,  no  !     Oh  !  " 

"  Or  asking  him  if  his  mother  knew  he  was  out,  — 
and  what  he  'd  take  for  his  cap  without  the  tassel ;  and 
telling  him  that  he  was  the  joy  of  your  heart,  —  and 
that  you  should  never  be  happy  unless  he  'd  smile  as  he 
was  wont  to  smile,  and  would  love  you  then  as  now,  — 
and  saying  all  sorts  of  bosh?  What,  not  remember  it ! 
'  Oh,  what  a  noble  mind  is  here  o'erthrown  ! '  as  some 
cove  says  in  Shakspeare.  But  how  screwed  you  must 
have  been,  Gig-lamps  !  " 

"  And  do  you  think,"  inquired  our  hero,  after  a  short 
but  sufficiently  painful  reflection,  —  "  do  you  think  that 
Mr.  Slowcoach  will  —  oh  !  —  expel  me  ? " 


AN   OXFORD    FRESHMAN. 

"  Why,  it 's  rather  a  shave  for  it,"  replied  his  tormen- 
tor ;  "  but  the  best  thing  you  can  do  is  to  write  an 
apology  at  once :  pitch  it  pretty  strong  in  the  pathetic 
line,  —  say  it's  your  first  offence,  and  that  you'll  never 
be  a  naughty  boy  again,  and  all  that  sort  of  thing.  You 
just  do  that,  Gig-lamps,  and  I  '11  see  that  the  note  goes 
to  —  the  proper  place." 

"  Oh,  thank  you  !  "  said  the  freshman  ;  and  while,  with 
equal  difficulty  from  agitation  both  of  mind  and  body, 
he  composed  and  penned  the  note,  Mr.  Bouncer  ordered 
up  some  buttery  beer,  and  Charles  Larkyns  prepared 
some  soda-water  with  a  dash  of  brandy,  which  he  gave 
Verdant  to  drink,  and  which  considerably  refreshed  that 
gentleman.  "And  I  should  advise  you,"  he  said,  "to 
go  out  for  a  constitutional ;  for  walking-time 's  come, 
although  you  have  but  just  done  your  breakfast.  A 
blow  up  Headington  Hill  will  do  you  good,  and  set  you 
on  your  legs  again." 

So  Verdant,  after  delivering  up  his  note  to  Mr.  Bouncer, 
took  his  friend's  advice,  and  set  out  for  his  constitutional 
in  his  cap  and  gown,  feeling  afraid  to  move  without 
them,  lest  he  should  thereby  trespass  some  law.  This, 
of  course,  gained  him  some  attention  after  he  had 
crossed  Magdalen  Bridge ;  and  he  might  have  almost 
been  taken  for  the  original  of  that  impossible  gownsman 
who  appears  in  Turner's  well-known  "  View  of  Oxford, 
from  Ferry  Hincksey,"  as  wandering  — 

"  Remote,  unfriended,  solitary,  slow  "  — 

in  a  corn-field,  in  the  company  of  an  umbrella! 

Among  the  many  pedestrians  and  equestrians  that  he 
encountered,  our  freshman  espied  a  short  and  very  stout 
gentleman,  whose  shovel-hat,  short  apron,  and  general 


Il8   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

decanical  costume,  proclaimed  him  to  be  a  don  of  some 
importance.  He  was  riding  a  pad-nag,  who  ambled 
placidly  along,  without  so  much  as  hinting  at  an  out- 
break into  a  canter ;  a  performance  that,  as  it  seemed, 
might  have  been  attended  with  disastrous  consequences 
to  his  rider.  Our  hero  noticed  that  the  trio  of  under- 
graduates who  were  walking  before  him,  while  they 
passed  others,  who  were  evidently  dons,  without  the 


slightest  notice  (being  in  mufti),  yet  not  only  raised 
their  hats  to  the  stout  gentleman,  but  also  separated  for 
that  purpose,  and  performed  the  salute  at  intervals  of 
about  ten  yards.  And  he  further  remarked,  that  while 
the  stout  gentleman  appeared  to  be  exceedingly  grati- 
fied at  the  notice  he  received,  yet  that  he  had  also  very 
great  difficulty  in  returning  the  rapid  salutations;  and 
only  accomplished  them  and  retained  his  seat  by  catch- 
ing at  the  pommel  of  his  saddle,  orthe  mane  of  his  steed, 
—  a  proceeding  which  the  pad-nag  seemed  perfectly 
used  to. 


AN   OXFORD   FRESHMAN.  1 19 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  returned  home  from  his  walk, 
feeling  all  the  better  for  the  fresh  air  and  change  of 
scene;  but  he  still  looked,  as  his  neighbour,  Mr. 
Bouncer,  kindly  informed  him,  "  uncommon  seedy  and 
doosid  fishy  about  the  eyes ;  "  and  it  was  some  days 
even  before  he  had  quite  recovered  from  the  novel 
excitement  of  Mr.  Smalls'  "  quiet  party." 


•^^s^=^^^~~~^=^^-^^^ 

^"Rfi ^^-^i^^r^.^^^""'— 


CHAPTER  IX. 

MR.  VERDANT  GREEN  ATTENDS  LECTURES,  AND,  IN 
DESPITE  OF  SERMONS,  HAS  DEALINGS  WITH  FILTHY 
LUCRE. 

OUR  freshman,  like  all  other  freshmen,  now  began 
to  think  seriously  of  work,  and  plunged  desper- 
ately into  all  the  lectures  that  it  was  possible  for  him  to 
attend,  beginning  every  course  with  a  zealousness  that 
showed  him  to  be  filled  with  the  idea  that  such  a  plan 
was  eminently  necessary  for  the  attainment  of  his 
degree;  in  all  this  in  every  respect  deserving  the 
Humane  Society's  medal  for  his  brave  plunge  into  the 


AN   OXFORD    FRESHMAN.  121 

depths  of  the  Pierian  spring,  to  fish  up  the  beauties  that 
had  been  immersed  therein  by  the  poets  of  old.  When 
we  say  that  our  freshman,  like  other  freshmen,  "  began  " 
this  course,  we  use  the  verb  advisedly ;  for,  like  many 
other  freshmen  who  start  with  a  burst  in  learning's  race, 
he  soon  got  winded,  and  fell  back  among  the  ruck. 
But  the  course  of  lectures,  like  the  course  of  true 
love,  will  not  always  run  smooth,  even  to  those  who 
undertake  it  with  the  same  courage  as  Mr.  Verdant 
Green. 

The  dryness  of  the  daily  routine  of  lectures,  which 
varied  about  as  much  as  the  steak-and-chop,  chop-and 
steak  dinners  of  ancient  taverns,  was  occasionally 
relieved  by  episodes,  which,  though  not  witty  in  them- 
selves, were  yet  the  cause  of  wit  in  others ;  for  it  takes 
but  little  to  cause  amusement  in  a  lecture-room,  where 
a  bad  construe,  or  the  imaginative  excuses  of  late- 
comers; or  the  confusion  of  some  young  gentleman  who 
has  to  turn  over  the  leaf  of  his  Greek  play  and  finds  it 
uncut;  or  the  pounding  of  the  same  gentleman  in  the 
middle  of  the  first  chorus ;  or  his  offensive  extrication 
therefrom  through  the  medium  of  some  Cumberland 
barbarian ;  or  the  officiousness  of  the  same  barbarian 
to  pursue  the  lecture  when  every  one  else  has,  with 
singular  unanimity,  "  read  no  further, "  —  all  these  cir- 
cumstances, although  perhaps  dull  enough  in  them- 
selves, are  nevertheless  productive  of  some  mirth  in  a 
lecture-room. 

But  if  there  were  often  late-comers  to  the  lectures, 
there  were  occasionally  early-goers  from  them.  Had  Mr. 
Four-in-hand  Fosbrooke  an  engagement  to  ride  his 
horse  Tearaway  in  the  amateur  steeple-chase,  and  was 
he  constrained,  by  circumstances  over  which  (as  he 


122  THE  ADVENTUkES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

protested)  he  had  no  control,  to  put  in  a  regular 
appearance  at  Mr.  Slowcoach's  lectures,  what  was  it 
necessary  for  him  to  do  more  than  to  come  to  lecture 
in  a  long  greatcoat,  put  his  handkerchief  to  his  face  as 
though  his  nose  were  bleeding,  look  appealingly  at  Mr. 
Slowcoach,  and,  as  he  made  his  exit,  pull  aside  the 


long  greatcoat,  and  display  to  his  admiring  colleagues 
the  snowy  cords  and  tops  that  would  soon  be  pressing 
against  Tearaway 's  sides,  that  gallant  animal  being  then 
in  waiting,  with  its  trusty  groom,  in  the  alley  at  the 
back  of  Brasenface?  And  if  little  Mr.  Bouncer,  for 
astute  reasons  of  his  own,  wished  Mr.  Slowcoach  to 
believe  that  he  (Mr.  B.)  was  particularly  struck  with  his 
(Mr.  S.'s)  remarks  on  the  force  of  Kara  in  composition, 
what  was  to  prevent  Mr.  Bouncer  from  feigning  to 


AN   OXFORD   FRESHMAN.  123 

make  a  note  of  these  remarks  by  the  aid  of  a  cigar 
instead  of  an  ordinary  pencil? 

But  besides  the  regular  lectures  of  Mr.  Slowcoach, 
our  hero  had  also  the  privilege  of  attending  those  of 
the  Rev.  Richard  Harmony.  Much  learning,  though  it 
had  not  made  Mr.  Harmony  mad,  had,  at  least  in  con- 
junction with  his  natural  tendencies,  contributed  to 
make  him  extremely  eccentric ;  while  to  much  perusal 
of  Greek  and  Hebrew  MSS.,  he  probably  owed  his 
defective  vision.  These  infirmities,  instead  of  being 
regarded  with  sympathy,  as  wounds  received  by  Mr. 
Harmony  in  the  classical  engagements  in  the  various 
fields  of  literature,  were,  to  Mr.  Verdant  Green's 
surprise,  much  imposed  upon;  for  it  was  a  favourite 
pastime  with  the  gentlemen  who  attended  Mr.  Har- 
mony's lectures  to  gradually  raise  up  the  lecture-table 
by  a  concerted  action,  and  when  Mr.  Harmony's  book 
had  nearly  reached  to  the  level  of  his  nose,  to  then 
suddenly  drop  the  table  to  its  original  level;  upon 
which  Mr.  Harmonyj  to  the  immense  gratification  of 
all  concerned,  would  rub  his  eyes,  wipe  his  glasses,  and 
murmur,  "  Dear  me !  dear  me !  how  my  head  swims 
this  morning!"  And  then  he  would  perhaps  ring  for 
his  servant,  and  order  his  usual  remedy,  an  orange, 
at  which  he  would  suck  abstractedly,  nor  discover  any 
difference  in  the  flavour  even  when  a  lemon  was  sur- 
reptitiously substituted.  And  thus  he  would  go  on 
through  the  lecture,  sucking  his  orange  (or  lemon), 
explaining  and  expounding  in  the  most  skilful  and 
lucid  manner,  and  yet,  as  far  as  the  "  table-movement " 
was  concerned,  as  unsuspecting  and  as  witless  as  a  little 
child. 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  not  only  (at  first)  attended  lee- 


124  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

tures  with  exemplary  diligence  and  regularity,  but  he 
also  duly  went  to  morning  and  evening  chapel;  nor, 
when  Sundays  came,  did  he  neglect  to  turn  his  feet 
towards  St.  Mary's  to  hear  the  University  sermons. 
Their  effect  was  as  striking  to  him  as  it  probably  is  to 
most  persons  who  have  only  been  accustomed  to  the 


usual  services  of  country  churches.  First,  there  was 
the  peculiar  character  of  the  congregation :  down  below, 
the  vice-chancellor  in  his  throne,  overlooking  the  other 
dons  in  their  stalls  (being  "  a  complete  realisation  of 
stalled  Oxon !  "  as  Charles  Larkyns  whispered  to  our 
hero),  who  were  relieved  in  colour  by  their  crimson 
or  scarlet  hoods ;  and  then,  "  upstairs,"  in  the  north 
and  the  great  west  galleries,  the  black  mass  of  under- 
graduates ;  while  a  few  ladies'  bonnets  and  heads  of 


AN   OXFORD    FRESHMAN. 


I2S 


male  visitors  peeped  from  the  pews  in  the  aisles,  or 
looked  out  from  the  curtains  of  the  organ-gallery,  where, 
"  by  the  kind  permission  of  Dr.  Elvey,"  they  were 
accommodated  with  seats,  and  watched  with  wonder, 

while 

"  The  wild  wizard's  fingers, 

With  magical  skill, 
Made  music  that  lingers 
In  memory  still." 


126  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

Then  there  was  the  bidding-prayer,  in  which  Mr. 
Verdant  Green  was  somewhat  astonished  to  hear  the 
long  list  of  founders  and  benefactors,  "  such  as  were 
Philip  Pluckton,  Bishop  of  Iffley;  King  Edward  the 
Seventh;  Stephen  de  Henley,  Earl  of  Bagley,  and 
Maud  his  wife;  Nuneham  Courtney,  knight,"  with  a 
long  et-cetera;  though,  as  the  preacher  happened  to 
be  a  Brazenface  man,  our  hero  found  that  he  was  "  most 
chiefly  bound  to  praise  Clement  Abingdon,  Bishop  of 
Jericho,  and  founder  of  the  college  of  Brazenface; 
Richard  Glover,  Duke  of  Woodstock;  Giles  Peckwater, 
Abbot  of  Oseney ;  and  Binsey  Green,  Doctor  of  Music ; 
—  benefactors  of  the  same." 

Then  there  was  the  sermon  itself;  the  abstrusely 
learned  and  classical  character  of  which,  at  first,  also 
astonished  him,  after  having  been  so  long  used  to  the 
plain  and  highly  practical  advice  which  the  rector,  Mr. 
Larkyns,  knew  how  to  convey  so  well  and  so  simply  to 
his  rustic  hearers.  But  as  soon  as  he  had  reflected  on 
the  very  different  characters  of  the  two  congregations, 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  at  once  recognised  the  appropriate- 
ness of  each  class  of  sermons  to  its  peculiar  hearers; 
yet  he  could  not  altogether  drive  away  the  thought, 
how  the  generality  of  those  who  had  on  previous  Sun- 
days been  his  fellow-worshippers  would  open  their  blue 
Saxon  eyes,  and  ransack  their  rustic  brains,  as  to  "  what 
could  ha'  come  to  rector,"  if  he  were  to  indulge  in  Greek 
and  Latin  quotations, — somewhat  after  the  following 
style.  "And  though  this  interpretation  may  in  these 
days  be  disputed,  yet  we  shall  find  that  it  was  once 
very  generally  received.  For  the  learned  Saint  Chrysos- 
tom  is  very  clear  on  this  point,  where  he  says,  '  Arma 
virumque  cano,  rusticus  expectat,  sub  tegmine  fagi;' 


AN   OXFORD    FRESHMAN.  127 

of  which  the  words  of  Irenaeus  are  a  confirmation, — 
orororoio,  TrairaTrepa%,  7roX,tx£A.otV£bto  0a\da'<rr)<;."  Our 
hero,  indeed,  could  not  but  help  wondering  what  the 
fairer  portion  of  the  congregation  made  of  these  parts 
of  the  sermons,  to  whom,  probably,  the  sentences  just 
quoted  would  have  sounded  as  full  of  meaning  as  those 
they  really  heard. 

"  Hallo,  Gig-lamps !  "  said  the  cheery  voice  of  little  Mr. 
Bouncer,  as  he  lopked  one  morning  into  Verdant's  rooms, 
followed  by  his  two  bull-terriers;  "why  don't  you  sport 
something  in  the  dog  line,  —  something  in  the  blood- 
hound or  tarrier  way?  Ain't  you  fond  o'  dogs?" 

"  Oh,  very !  "  replied  our  hero.  "  I  once  had  a  very 
nice  one,  —  a  King  Charles." 

"  Oh !  "  observed  Mr.  Bouncer,  "  one  of  them  beg- 
gars that  you  have  to  feed  with  spring-chickens,  and 
get  up  with  curling  tongs.  Ah !  they  're  all  very  well 
in  their  way,  and  do  for  women  and  carriage-exercise ; 
but  give  me  this  sort  of  thing!"  and  Mr.  Bouncer 
patted  one  of  his  villanous-looking  pets,  who  wagged 
his  corkscrew  tail  in  reply.  "  Now,  these  are  beauties, 
and  no  mistake  !  What  you  call  useful  and  ornamental ; 
ain't  you,  Buzzy?  The  beggars  are  brothers;  so  I  call 
them  Huz  and  Buz,  —  Huz  his  first-born,  you  know, 
and  Buz  his  brother." 

"I  should  like  a  dog,"  said  Verdant;  "but  where 
could  I  keep  one?  " 

"  Oh,  anywhere !  "  replied  Mr.  Bouncer  confidently. 
"  I  keep  these  beggars  in  the  little  shop  for  coal,  just 
outside  the  door.  It  ain't  the  law,  I  know ;  but  what 's 
the  odds  as  long  as  they 're  happy?  They  think  it  no 
end  of  a  lark.  I  once  had  a  Newfunland,  and  tried 


128   THE  ADVP:NTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

him  there;  but  the  obstinate  brute  considered  it  too 
small  for  him,  and  barked  himself  in  such  an  unnatural 
manner,  that  at  last  he  'd  got  no  wool  on  the  top  of  his 
head, — just  the  place  where  the  wool  ought  to  grow, 
you  know;  so  I  swopped  the  beggar  to  a  Skimmery  l 
man  for  a  regular  slap-up  set  of  pets  of  the  ballet,  framed 
and  glazed,  petticoats  and  all,  mind  you.  But  about 
your  dog,  Gig-lamps :  —  that  cupboard  there  would  be 
just  the  ticket;  you  could  put  him  under  the  wine- 
bottles,  and  then  there 'd  be  wine  above  and  whine 
below.  Videsne  pucr?  D'ye  twig,  young  'un?  But 
if  you  're  squeamish  about  that,  there  are  heaps  of 
places  in  the  town  where  you  could  keep  a  beast." 

So,  when  our  hero  had  been  persuaded  that  the  pos- 
session of  an  animal  of  the  terrier  species  was  absolutely 
necessary  to  a  University  man's  existence,  he  had  not 
to  look  about  long  without  having  the  void  filled  up. 
Money  will  in  most  places  procure  any  thing,  from  a 
grant  of  arms  to  a  pair  of  wooden  legs ;  so  it  is  not 
surprising  if,  in  Oxford,  such  an  every-day  commodity 
as  a  dog  can  be  obtained  through  the  medium  of"  filthy 
lucre ;  "  for  there  was  a  well-known  dog-fancier  and 
proprietor,  whose  surname  was  that  of  the  rich  sub- 
stantive just  mentioned,  to  which  had  been  prefixed  the 
"  filthy "  adjective,  probably  for  the  sake  of  euphony. 
As  usual,  Filthy  Lucre  was  clumping  with  his  lame  leg 
up  and  down  the  pavement  just  in  front  of  the  Brazen- 
face  gate,  accompanied  by  his  last  "  new  and  extensive 
assortment "  of  terriers  of  every  variety,  which  he  now 
pulled  up  for  the  inspection  of  Mr.  Verdant  Green. 

"  Is  it  a  long-aird  dawg,  or  a  smooth  'un,  as  you  'd 
most  fancy?"  inquired  Mr.  Lucre.  "  Har,  sir!"  he 
1  Oxford  slang  for  "  St.  Mary's  Hall." 


AN   OXFORD   FRESHMAN.  I2Q 

continued,  in  a  flattering  tone,  as  he  saw  our  hero's  eye 
dwelling  on  a  Skye  terrier ;  "  I  see  you  're  a  gent  as 
does  know  a  good  style  of  dawg,  when  you  see  'un! 
It  ain't  often  as  you  see  a  Skye  sich  as  that,  sir !  Look 
at  his  colour,  sir,  and  the  way  he  looks  out  of  his  'air! 
He  answers  to  the  name  of  Mop,  sir,  in  consekvence  of 
the  length  of  his  'air ;  and  he  's  cheap  as  dirt,  sir,  at 
four-ten!  It's  a  throwin'  of  him  away  at  the  price; 
and  I  should  n't  do  it,  but  I  've  got  more  dawgs  than 
I've  room  for;  so  I'm  obligated  to  make  a  sacrifice. 
Four-ten,  sir!  'Ad  the  distemper,  and  everythink,  and 
a  reg'lar  good  'un  for  the  varmin." 

His  merits  also  being  testified  to  by  Mr.  Larkyns  and 
Mr.  Bouncer  (who  was  considered  a  high  authority  in 
canine  matters),  and  Verdant  also  liking  the  quaint 
appearance  of  the  dog,  Mop  eventually  became  his 
property,  for  "  four-ten  "  minus  five  shillings,  but^/us  a 
pint  of  Buttery-beer,  which  Mr.  Lucre  always  pro- 
nounced to  be  customary  "in  all  dealins  whatsumever 
atween  gentlemen."  Verdant  was  highly  gratified  at 
possessing  a  real  University  dog,  and  he  patted  Mop, 
and  said,  "  Poo  dog !  poo  Mop  !  poo  fellow  then !  "  and 
thought  what  a  pet  his  sisters  would  make  of  him  when 
he  took  him  back  home  with  him  for  the  holi  —  the 
Vacation ! 

Mop  was  for  following  Mr.  Lucre,  who  had  clumped 
away  up  the  street ;  and  his  new  master  had  some  diffi- 
culty in  keeping  him  at  his  heels.  By  Mr.  Bouncer's 
advice,  he  at  once  took  him  over  the  river  to  the  field 
opposite  the  Christ  Church  meadows,  in  order  to  test 
his  rat-killing  powers.  How  this  could  be  done  out  in 
the  open  country,  our  hero  was  at  a  loss  to  know ;  but  he 
discreetly  held  his  tongue,  for  he  was  gradually  becom- 
9 


130  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

ing  aware  that  a  freshman  in  Oxford  must  live  to  learn, 
and  that,  as  with  most  men,  expcrientia  docet. 

They  had  just  been  punted  over  the  river,  and  Mop 
had  been  restored  to  terra  firma,  when  Mr.  Bouncer's 


remark  of  "  There 's  the  cove  that  '11  do  the  trick  for 
you ! "  directed  Verdant's  attention  to  an  individual, 
who,  from  his  general  appearance,  might  have  been 
first  cousin  to  "  Filthy  Lucre,"  only  that  his  live  stock 
was  of  a  different  description.  Slung  from  his  shoulders 
was  a  large  but  shallow  wire  cage,  in  which  were  about 
a  dozen  doomed  rats,  whose  futile  endeavours  to  make 
their  escape  by  running  up  the  sides  of  their  prison 


AN   OXFORD   FRESHMAN.  13! 

were  regarded  with  the  most  intense  earnestness  by  a 
group  of  terriers,  who  gave  way  to  various  phases  of 
excitement.  In  his  hand  he  carried  a  smaller  circular 
cage,  containing  two  or  three  rats  for  immediate  use. 
On  the  receipt  of  sixpence,  one  of  these  was  liberated ; 
and  a  few  yards'  start  being  (sportsmanlike)  allowed,  the 
speculator's  terrier  was  then  let  loose,  joined  gratui- 
tously, after  a  short  interval,  by  a  perfect  pack  in  full 
cry,  with  a  human  chorus  of  "  Hoo  rat !  Too  loo !  loo 
dog !  "  The  rat  turned,  twisted,  doubled,  became  con- 
fused, was  overtaken,  and,  with  one  grip  and  a  shake, 
was  dead ;  while  the  excited  pack  returned  to  watch 
and  jump  at  the  wire  cages  until  another  doomed  pri- 
soner was  tossed  forth  to  them.  Gentlemen  on  their 
way  for  a  walk  were  thus  enabled  to  wile  away  a  few 
minutes  at  the  noble  sport,  and  indulge  themselves  and 
their  dogs  with  a  little  healthy  excitement;  while  the 
boating  costume  of  other  gentlemen  showed  that  they 
had  for  a  while  left  aquatic  pursuits,  and  had  strolled  up 
from  the  river  to  indulge  in  "  the  sports  of  the  fancy." 

Although  his  new  master  invested  several  sixpences 
on  Mop's  behalf,  yet  that  ungrateful  animal,  being  of  a 
passive  temperament  of  mind  as  regarded  rats,  and  a 
slow  movement  of  body,  in  consequence  of  his  long 
hair  impeding  his  progress,  rather  disgraced  himself  by 
allowing  the  sport  to  be  taken  from  his  very  teeth. 
But  he  still  further  disgraced  himself,  when  he  had  been 
taken  back  to  Brazenface,  by  howling  all  through  the 
night  in  the  cupboard  where  he  had  been  placed, 
thereby  setting  on  Mr.  Bouncer's  two  bull-terriers,  Huz 
and  Buz,  to  echo  the  sounds  with  redoubled  fury  from 
their  coal-hole  quarters ;  thus  causing  loss  of  sleep  and 
a  great  outlay  of  Saxon  expletives  to  all  the  dwellers  on 


132  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

the  staircase.  It  was  in  vain  that  our  hero  got  out  of 
bed  and  opened  the  cupboard-door,  and  said,  "  Poo 
Mop !  good  dog,  then !  "  it  was  in  vain  that  Mr. 
Bouncer  shied  boots  at  the  coal-hole,  and  threatened 
Huz  and  Buz  with  loss  of  life ;  it  was  in  vain  that  the 
tenant  of  the  attic,  Mr.  Sloe,  who  was  a  reading-man, 
and  sat  up  half  the  night  working  for  his  degree,  —  it 
was  in  vain  that  he  opened  his  door,  and  mildly  declared 
(over  the  banisters),  that  it  was  impossible  to  get  up 
Aristotle  while  such  a  noise  was  being  made ;  it  was  in 
vain  that  Mr.  Four-in-hand  Fosbrooke,  whose  rooms 
were  on  the  other  side  of  Verdant's,  came  and  adminis- 
tered to  Mop  severe  punishment  with  a  tandem-whip  (it 
was  a  favourite  boast  with  Mr.  Fosbrooke,  that  he  could 
flick  a  fly  from  his  leader's  ear) ;  it  was  in  vain  to  coax 
Mop  with  chicken-bones :  he  would  neither  be  bribed 
nor  frightened ;  and  after  a  deceitful  lull  of  a  few  min- 
utes, just  when  every  one  was  getting  to  sleep  again,  his 
melancholy  howl  would  be  raised  with  renewed  vigour, 
and  Huz  and  Buz  would  join  for  sympathy. 

"  I  tell  you  what,  Gig-lamps,"  said  Mr.  Bouncer  the 
next  morning,  "  this  game  '11  never  do.  Bark 's  a  very 
good  thing  to  take  in  its  proper  way,  when  you  're  in 
want  of  it,  and  get  it  with  port  wine ;  but  when  you  get 
it  by  itself  and  in  too  large  doses,  it  ain't  pleasant,  you 
know.  Huz  and  Buz  are  quiet  enough,  as  long  as 
they  're  let  alone ;  and  I  should  advise  you  to  keep 
Mop  down  at  Spavin's  stables,  or  somewhere.  But 
first,  just  let  me  give  the  brute  the  hiding  he  deserves." 

Poor  Mop  underwent  his  punishment  like  a  martyr; 
and  in  the  course  of  the  day  an  arrangement  was  made 
with  Mr.  Spavin  for  Mop's  board  and  lodging  at  his 
stables.  But  when  Verdant  called  there  the  next  day, 


AN   OXFORD    FRESHMAN.  133 

for  the  purpose  of  taking  him  for  a  walk,  there  was  no 
Mop  to  be  found ;  taking  advantage  of  the  carelessness 
of  one  of  Mr.  Spavin's  men,  he  had  bolted  through  the 
open  door,  and  made  his  escape.  Mr.  Bouncer,  at 
a  subsequent  period,  declared  that  he  met  Mop  in  the 
company  of  a  well-known  Regent-street  fancier;  but, 
however  that  may  be,  Mop  was  lost  to  Mr.  Verdant 
Green. 


134  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 


CHAPTER   X. 

MR.  VERDANT  GREEN  REFORMS  HIS  TAILORS*  BILLS  AND 
RUNS  UP  OTHERS.  HE  ALSO  APPEARS  IN  A  RAPID 
ACT  OF  HORSEMANSHIP,  AND  FINDS  ISIS  COOL  IN 
SUMMER. 

THE  state  of  Mr.  Ver- 
dant Green's  outward 
man  had  long  offended 
Mr.  Charles  Larkyns' 
more  civilised  taste ; 
and  he  one  day  took 
occasion  delicately  to 
hint  to  his  friend,  that 
it  would  conduce  more 
to  his  appearance  as 
an  Oxford  undergrad- 
uate, if  he  foreswore 
the  primitive  gar- 
ments that  his  coun- 
try-tailor had  c  o  n- 
demned  him  to  wear, 
and  adapted  the 
"  build"  of  his  dress 
to  the  peculiar  require- 
ments of  university 
fashion. 

Acting  upon  this  friendly  hint,  our  freshman  at  once 
betook  himself  to  the  shop  where  he  had  bought  his  cap 


AN   OXFORD    FRESHMAN.  135 

and  gown,  and  found  its  proprietor  making  use  of  the 
invisible  soap  and  washing  his  hands  in  the  impercep- 
tible water,  as  though  he  had  not  left  off  that  act  of 
imaginary  cleanliness  since  Verdant  and  his  father  had 
last  seen  him. 

"Oh,  certainly,  sir;  an  abundant  variety,"  was  his 
reply  to  Verdant's  question,  if  he  could  show  him  any 
patterns  that  were  fashionable  in  Oxford.  "  The  great- 
est stock  hout  of  London,  I  should  say,  sir,  decidedly. 
This  is  a  nice  unpretending  gentlemanly  thing,  sir,  that 
we  make  up  a  good  deal!"  and  he  spread  a  shaggy 
substance  before  the  freshman's  eyes. 

"What  do  you  make  it  up  for?"  inquired  our  hero, 
who  thought  it  more  nearly  resembled  the  hide  of  his 
lamented  Mop  than  any  other  substance. 

"  Oh,  morning  garments,  sir  !  Reading  and  walking- 
coats,  for  erudition  and  the  promenade,  sir!  Looks 
well  with  vest  of  the  same  material,  sprinkled  down  with 
coral  currant  buttons  !  We  've  some  sweet  things  in 
vests,  sir ;  and  some  neat,  quiet  trouserings,  that  I  'm 
sure  would  give  satisfaction."  And  the  tailor  and  robe- 
maker,  between  washings  with  the  invisible  soap,  so 
visibly  "  soaped  "  our  hero  in  what  is  understood  to  be 
the  shop-sense  of  the  word,  and  so  surrounded  him  with 
a  perfect  irradiation  of  aggressive  patterns  of  oriental 
gorgeousness,  that  Mr.  Verdant  Green  became  bewil- 
dered, and  finally  made  choice  of  one  of  the  unpretending 
gentlemanly  Mop-\\ke  coats,  and  "  vest  and  trouserings  " 
of  a  neat,  quiet,  plaid-pattern,  in  red  and  green,  which, 
he  was  informed,  were  all  the  rage. 

When  these  had  been  sent  home  to  him,  together 
with  a  neck-tie  of  Oxford-blue  from  Randall's,  and  an 
immaculate  guinea  Lincoln-and-Bennett,  our  hero  was 


136   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

delighted  with  the  general  effect  of  the  costume ;  and 
after  calling  in  at  the  tailor's  to  express  his  approbation, 
he  at  once  sallied  forth  to  "  do  the  High,"  and  display 
his  new  purchases.  A  drawn  silk  bonnet  of  pale  laven- 
der, from  which  floated  some  bewitching  ringlets, 
quickly  attracted  our  hero's  attention ;  and  the  sight  of 
an  arch,  French-looking  face,  which  (to  his  short-sighted 
imagination)  smiled  upon  him  as  the  young  lady  rustled 
by,  immediately  plunged  him  into  the  depths  of  first- 
love.  Without  the  slightest  encouragement  being  given 
him,  he  stalked  this  little  deer  to  her  lair,  and,  after 
some  difficulty,  discovered  the  enchantress  to  be  Made- 
moiselle Mouslin  de  Laine,  one  of  the  presiding  god- 
desses of  a  fancy  hosiery  warehouse.  There,  for  the 
next  fortnight,  —  until  which  immense  period  his  ardent 
passion  had  not  subsided,  —  our  hero  was  daily  to  be 
seen  purchasing  articles  for  which  he  had  no  earthly 
use,  but  fully  recompensed  for  his  outlay  by  the  artless 
(ill-natured  people  said,  artful)  smiles,  and  engaging, 
piquant  conversation  of  mademoiselle.  Our  hero,  when 
reminded  of  this  at  a  subsequent  period,  protested  that 
he  had  thus  acted  merely  to  improve  his  French,  and 
only  conversed  with  mademoiselle  for  educational  pur- 
poses. But  we  have  our  doubts.  Credat  Judceus! 

About  this  time  also  our  hero  laid  the  nest-eggs  for 
a  very  promising  brood  of  bills,  by  acquiring  an  expensive 
habit  of  strolling  into  shops  and  purchasing  "  an  exten- 
sive assortment  of  articles  of  every  description,"  for  no 
other  consideration  than  that  he  should  not  be  called 
upon  to  pay  for  them  until  he  had  taken  his  degree. 
He  also  decorated  the  walls  of  his  rooms  with  choice 
specimens  of  engravings :  for  the  turning  over  of  port- 
folios at  Ryman's  and  Wyatt's  usually  leads  to  the 


AN   OXFORD   FRFSrIMAN. 


137 


eventual  turning  over  of  a  considerable  amount  of  cash; 
and  our  hero  had  not  yet  become  acquainted  with  the 
cheaper  circulating-system  of  pictures,  which  gives  you 
a  fresh  set  every  term,  and  passes  on  your  old  ones  to 
some  other  subscriber.  But,  in  the  mean  time,  it  is 
very  delightful,  when  you  admire  any  thing,  to  be  able 
to  say,  "  Send  that  to  my  room !  "  and  to  be  obsequi- 


ously  obeyed,  "  no  questions  asked,"  and  no  payment 
demanded ;  and  as  for  the  future,  why  —  as  Mr.  Lar- 
kyns  observed,  as  they  strolled  down  the  High  —  "I 
suppose  the  bills  will  come  in  some  day  or  other,  but 
the  governor  will  see  to  them ;  and  though  he  may 
grumble  and  pull  a  long  face,  yet  he  '11  only  be  too  glad 
you  Ve  got  your  degree,  and,  in  the  fulness  of  his  heart, 
he  will  open  his  cheque-book.  I  dare  say  old  Horace 


138   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

gives  very  good  advice  when  he  says, '  carpe  diem ; '  but 
when  he  adds,  '  quam  minimum  credula  postero/  l  about 
'  not  giving  the  least  credit  to  the  succeeding  day,'  it 
is  clear  that  he  never  looked  forward  to  the  Oxford 
tradesmen  and  the  credit-system.  Do  you  ever  read 
Wordsworth,  Verdant?"  continued  Mr.  Larkyns,  as 
they  stopped  at  the  corner  of  Oriel  Street,  to  look 


in  at  a  spacious  range  of  shop  windows,  that  were 
crowded  with  a  costly  and  glittering  profusion  of  papier- 
mache  articles,  statuettes,  bronzes,  glass,  and  every 
kind  of  "  fancy  goods  "  that  could  be  classed  as  "  art- 
workmanship." 

"  Why,  I  Ve  not  read  much  of  Wordsworth  myself," 
replied  our  hero  ;  "  but  I  Ve  heard  my  sister  Mary  read 
a  great  deal  of  his  poetry." 

1  Car.  i.  od.  xi. 


•  AN   OXFORD    FRESHMAN.  139 

"  Shows  her  taste,"  said  Charles  Larkyns.  "  Well, 
this  shop  — you  see  the  name  —  is  Spiers' ;  and  Words- 
worth, in  his  sonnet  to  Oxford,  has  immortalised  him. 
Don't  you  remember  the  lines?  — 

4  O  ye  Spiers  of  Oxford  !  your  presence  overpowers 
The  soberness  of  reason  ! ' 1 

It  was  very  queer  that  Wordsworth  should  ascribe  to 
Messrs.  Spiers  all  the  intoxication  of  the  place;  but 
then  he  was  a  Cambridge  man,  and  prejudiced.  Nice 
shop,  though,  isn't  it?  Particularly  useful,  and  no  less 
ornamental.  It 's  one  of  the  greatest  lounges  of  the 
place.  Let  us  go  in  and  have  a  look  at  what  Mrs. 
Caudle  calls  the  articles  of  bigotry  and  virtue." 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  was  soon  deeply  engaged  in  an 
inspection  of  those  papier-mack^  "  remembrances  of 
Oxford  "  for  which  the  Messrs.  Spiers  are  so  justly 
famed;  but  after  turning  over  tables,  trays,  screens, 
desks,  albums,  portfolios,  and  other  things, — all  of 
which  displayed  views  of  Oxford  from  every  variety  of 
aspect,  and  were  executed  with  such  truth  and  percep- 
tion of  the  higher  qualities  of  art,  that  they  formed  in 
themselves  quite  a  small  but  gratuitous  Academy 
exhibition,  — our  hero  became  so  confused  among  the 
bewildering  allurements  around  him,  as  to  feel  quite 

1  We  suspect  that  Mr.  Larkyns  is  again  intentionally  deceiving 
his  freshman  friend ;  for  on  looking  into  our  Wordsworth  (Misc. 
Son.  Hi.  2)  we  find  that  the  poet  does  not  refer  to  the  establish- 
ment of  Messrs.  Spiers  and  Son,  and  that  the  lines,  truly  quoted 
are  — 

"  O,  ye  spires  of  Oxford  !  domes  and  towers  I 
Gardens  and  groves  !     Your  presence,"  etc. 

We  blush  for  Mr.  Larkyns  1 


I4O   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

an  embarras  de  richesses,  and  to  be  in  a  state  of  mind 
in  which  he  was  nearly  giving  Mr.  Spiers  the  most 
extensive  (and  expensive)  order  which  probably  that 
gentleman  had  ever  received  from  an  undergraduate. 
Fortunately  for  his  purse,  his  attention  was  somewhat 
distracted  by  perceiving  that  Mr.  Slowcoach  was  at 
his  elbow,  looking  over  inkstands  and  reading-lamps, 
and  also  by  Charles  Larkyns  calling  upon  him  to 
decide  whether  he  should  have  the  cigar-case  he  had 
purchased  emblazoned  with  the  heraldic  device  of  the 
Larkyns,  or  illuminated  with  the  Euripidean  motto,  — 

To  /3a/c^t(coi/  Sw/Hj/Lia  Xa|3e,  o-e  yap  </jiA<3. 


When  this  point  had  been  decided,  Mr.  Larkyns 
proposed  to  Verdant  that  he  should  astonish  and 
delight  his  governor  by  having  the  Green  arms  embla- 
zoned on  a  fire-screen,  and  taking  it  home  with  him  as 
a  gift.  "  Or  else,"  he  said,  "order  one  with  the  garden 
view  of  Brazenface,  and  then  they'll  have  more  satis- 
faction in  looking  at  that  than  at  one  of  those  offensive 
cockatoos,  in  an  arabesque  landscape,  under  a  bronze 
sky,  which  usually  sprawls  over  every  thing  that  is 
papier-mack/.  But  you  won't  see  that  sort  of  thing 
here;  so  you  can't  well  go  wrong,  whatever  you  buy." 
Finally,  Mr.  Verdant  Green  (N.  B.  Mr.  Green,  senior, 
would  have  eventually  to  pay  the  bill)  ordered  a  fire- 
screen to  be  prepared  with  the  family-arms,  as  a 
present  for  his  father;  a  ditto,  with  the  view  of  his 
college,  for  his  mother;  a  writing-case,  with  the  High 
Street  view,  for  his  aunt;  a  netting-box,  card-case, 
and  a  model  of  the  Martyrs'  Memorial,  for  his  three 
sisters;  and  having  thus  bountifully  remembered  his 
family-circle,  he  treated  himself  with  a  modest  paper- 


AN   OXFORD   FRESHMAN.  14! 

knife,  and  was  treated  in  return  by  Mr.  Spiers  with  a 
perfect  bijou  of  art,  in  the  shape  of  "  a  memorial  for 
visitors  to  Oxford,"  in  which  the  chief  glories  of  that 
city  were  set  forth  in  gold  and  colours,  in  the  most 
at  tractive  form,  and  which  our  hero  immediately  posted 
off  to  the  Manor  Green. 

"And  now,  Verdant,"  said  Mr.  Larkyns,  "you  may 
just  as  well  get  a  hack,  and  come  for  a  ride  with  me. 
You've  kept  up  your  riding,  of  course?" 

"  Oh,  yes  —  a  little !  "  faltered  our  hero. 

Now,  the  reader  may  perhaps  remember,  that  in  an 
early  part  of  our  veracious  chronicle  we  hinted  that 
Mr.  Verdant  Green's  equestrian  performances  were 
but  of  a  humble  character.  They  were,  in  fact, 
limited  to  an  occasional  ride  with  his  sisters  when 
they  required  a  cavalier;  but  on  these  occasions,  the 
old  cob,  which  Verdant  called  his  own,  was  warranted 
not  to  kick,  or  plunge,  or  start,  or  do  any  thing  deroga- 
tory to  its  age  and  infirmities.  So  that  Charles 
Larkyns'  proposition  caused  him  some  little  nervous 
agitation ;  nevertheless,  as  he  was  ashamed  to  confess 
his  fears,  he,  in  a  moment  of  weakness,  consented 
to  accompany  his  friend. 

"We'll  go  to  Symonds',"  said  Mr.  Larkyns;  "I 
keep  my  hack  there ;  and  you  can  depend  upon  having 
a  good  one. " 

So  they  made  their  way  to  Holywell  Street,  and 
turned  under  a  gateway,  and  up  a  paved  yard,  to  the 
stables.  The  upper  part  of  the  yard  was  littered  down 
with  straw,  and  covered  in  by  a  light,  open  roof;  and 
in  the  stables  there  was  accommodation  for  a  hundred 
horses.  At  the  back  of  the  stables,  and  separated 
from  the  Wadham  Gardens  by  a  narrow  lane,  was  a 


142  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

paddock ;  and  here  they  found  Mr.  Fosbrooke,  and  one 
or  two  of  his  friends,  inspecting  the  leaping  abilities 
of  a  fine  hunter,  which  one  of  the  stable-boys  was 
taking  backwards  and  forwards  over  the  hurdles  and 
fences  erected  for  that  purpose. 

The  horses  were  soon  ready,  and  Verdant  summoned 
up  enough  courage  to  say,  with  the  Count  in 
"Mazeppa,"  "bring  forth  the  steed!"  And  when  the 
steed  was  brought,  in  all  the  exuberance  of  (literally) 
animal  spirits,  he  felt  that  he  was  about  to  be  another 
Mazeppa,  and  perform  feats  on  the  back  of  a  wild  horse ; 
and  he  could  not  help  saying  to  the  ostler,  "  He  looks 
rather  —  vicious,  I'm  afraid!" 

"Wicious,  sir!"  replied  the  groom;  "bless  you,  sir! 
she  's  as  sweet-tempered  as  any  young  ooman  you  ever 
paid  your  intentions  to.  The  mare's  as  quiet  a  mare 
as  was  ever  crossed;  this  ere  's  ony  her  play  at  comin' 
fresh  out  of  the  stable  !  " 

Verdant,  however,  had  a  presentiment  that  the  play 
would  soon  become  earnest ;  but  he  seated  himself  in 
the  saddle  (after  a  short  delirious  dance  on  one  toe), 
and  in  a  state  of  extreme  agitation,  not  to  say  perspi- 
ration, proceeded  at  a  walk,  by  Mr.  Larkyns'  side,  up 
Holywell  Street.  Here  the  mare,  who  doubtless  soon 
understood  what  sort  of  rider  she  had  got  on  her  back, 
began  to  be  more  demonstrative  of  the  "fresh"ness  of 
her  animal  spirits.  Broad  Street  was  scarcely  broad 
enough  to  contain  the  series  of  tableaux  vivants  and 
heraldic  attitudes  that  she  assumed.  "Don't  pull  the 
curb-rein  so !  "  shouted  Charles  Larkyns ;  but  Verdant 
was  in  far  too  dreadful  a  state  of  mind  to  understand 
what  he  said,  or  even  to  know  which  was  the  curb- 
rein;  and  after  convulsively  clutching  at  the  mane  and 


AN   OXFORD   FRESHMAN.  143 

the  pommel,  in  his  endeavours  to  keep  his  seat,  he 
first  "lost  his  head,"  and  then  his  seat,  and  ignomini- 
ously  gliding  over  the  mare's  tail,  found  that  his 
lodging  was  on  the  cold  ground.  Relieved  of  her 
burden,  the  mare  quietly  trotted  back  to  her  stables ; 
while  Verdant,  finding  himself  unhurt,  got  up,  replaced 


his  hat  and  spectacles,  and  registered  a  mental  vow 
never  to  mount  an  Oxford  hack  again. 

"Never  mind,  old  fellow,"  said  Charles  Larkyns, 
consolingly;  "these  little  accidents  will  occur,  you 
know,  even  with  the  best-regulated  riders!  There 
were  not  more  than  a  dozen  ladies  saw  you,  though 
you  certainly  made  very  creditable  exertions  to  ride 
over  one  or  two  of  them.  Well !  if  you  say  you  won't 


144  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

go  back  to  Symonds',  and  get  another  hack,  I  must  go 
on  solus;  but  I  shall  see  you  at  the  Bump-supper 
to-night!  I  got  old  Blades  to  ask  you  to  it.  I'm 
going  now  in  search  of  an  appetite,  and  I  should 
advise  you  to  take  a  turn  round  the  Parks  and  do  the 
same.  Au  reservoir!" 

So  our  hero,  after  he  had  compensated  the  livery- 
stable  keeper,  followed  his  friend's  advice,  and  strolled 
round  the  neatly-kept  potato-gardens  denominated 
"the  Parks,"  looking  in  vain  for  the  deer  that  have 
never  been  there,  and  finding  them  represented  only 
by  nursery-maids  and  —  others. 

Mr.  Blades,  familiarly  known  as  "old  Blades"  and 
"Billy,"  was  a  gentleman  who  was  fashioned  some- 
what after  the  model  of  the  torso  of  Hercules ;  and,  as 
Stroke  of  the  Brazenface  boat,  was  held  in  high  esti- 
mation, not  only  by  the  men  of  his  own  college,  but  also 
by  the  boating  men  of  the  University  at  large.  His 
University  existence  seemed  to  be  engaged  in  one  long 
struggle,  the  end  and  aim  of  which  was  to  place  the 
Brazenface  boat  in  that  envied  position  known  in 
aquatic  anatomy  as  "the  head  of  the  river;"  and  in 
this  struggle  all  Mr.  Blades'  energies  of  mind  and  body, 
. —  though  particularly  of  body  —  were  engaged.  Not  a 
freshman  was  allowed  to  enter  Brazenface,  but  imme- 
diately Mr.  Blades'  eye  was  upon  him;  and  if  the 
expansion  of  the  upper  part  of  his  coat  and  waistcoat 
denoted  that  his  muscular  development  of  chest  and 
arms  was  of  a  kind  that  might  be  serviceable  to  the 
great  object  aforesaid,  —  the  placing  of  the  Brazenface 
boat  at  the  head  of  the  river,  —  then  Mr.  Blades  came 
and  made  flattering  proposals  to  the  new-comer  to 


AN   OXFORD    FRESHMAN. 


145 


assist  in  the  great  work.  But  he  was  also  indefati- 
gable, as  secretary  to  his  college  club,  in  seeking  out 
all  freshmen,  even  if  their  thews  and  sinews  were  not 
muscular  models,  and  inducing  them  to  aid  the  glori- 
ous cause  by  becoming  members  of  the  club.  A 
Bump-supper  —  that  is,  O  ye  uninitiated!  a  supper 
to  commemorate  the  fact  of  the  boat  of  one  college 


having,  in  the  annual  races,  bumped,  or  touched  the 
boat  of  another  college  immediately  in  its  front, 
thereby  gaining  a  place  towards  the  head  of  the  river 
—  a  Bump-supper  was  a  famous  opportunity  for  dis- 
covering both  the  rowing  and  paying  capabilities  of 
freshmen,  who,  in  the  enthusiasm  of  the  moment, 
would  put  down  their  two  or  three  guineas,  and  at 
once  propose  their  names  to  be  enrolled  as  members 
at  the  next  meeting  of  the  club. 

And  thus   it  was  with   Mr.    Verdant  Green,   who, 
10 


146  THE  ADVENTURES  OP^  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

before  the  evening  was  over,  found  that  he  had  not 
only  given  in  his  name  ("  proposed  by  Charles  Larkyns, 
Esq.,  seconded  by  Henry  Bouncer,  Esq."),  but  that 
a  desire  was  burning  within  his  breast  to  distinguish 
himself  in  aquatic  pursuits.  Scarcely  any  thing  else 
was  talked  of  during  the  whole  evening  but  the  pro- 
spective chances  of  Brazenface  bumping  Balliol  and 
Brasenose,  and  thereby  getting  to  the  head  of  the  river. 
It  was  also  mysteriously  whispered,  that  Worcester  and 
Christ  Church  were  doing  well,  and  might  prove  for- 
midable; and  that  Exeter,  Lincoln,  and  Wadham  were 
very  shady,  and  not  doing  the  things  that  were  expected 
of  them.  Great  excitement  too  was  caused  by  the 
announcement,  that  the  Balliol  stroke  had  knocked 
up,  or  knocked  down,  or  done  something  which  Mr. 
Verdant  Green  concluded  he  ought  not  to  have  done ; 
and  that  the  Brazenose  bow  had  been  seen  with  a  cigar 
in  his  mouth,  and  also  eating  pastry  in  Hall,  — things 
shocking  in  themselves,  and  quite  contrary  to  all 
training  principles.  Then  there  were  anticipations  of 
Henley;  and  criticisms  on  the  new  eight  out-rigger 
that  Searle  was  laying  down  for  the  University  crew; 
and  comparisons  between  somebody's  stroke  and  some- 
body else's  spurt;  and  a  good  deal  of  reference  to 
Clasper  and  Coombes,  and  Newall  and  Pococke,  who 
might  have  been  heathen  deities  for  all  that  our  hero 
knew,  and  from  the  manner  in  which  they  were 
mentioned. 

The  aquatic  desires  that  were  now  burning  in  Mr. 
Verdant  Green's  breast  could  only  be  put  out  by  the 
water;  so  to  the  river  he  next  day  went,  and,  by 
Charles  Larkyns'  advice,  made  his  first  essay  in  a 
"tub"  from  Hall's.  Being  a  complete  novice  with 


AN   OXFORD   FRESHMAN.  147 

the  oars,  our  hero  had  no  sooner  pulled  off  his  coat 
and  given  a  pull,  than  he  succeeded  in  catching  a  tre- 
mendous "crab,"  the  effect  of  which  was  to  throw  him 
backwards,  and  almost  to  upset  the  boat.  Fortunately, 
however,  "tubs"  recover  their  equilibrium  almost  as 
easily  as  tombolas,  and  "the  Sylph"  did  not  belie  its 
character;  so  the  freshman  again  assumed  a  proper 
position,  and  was  shoved  off  with  a  boathook.  At  first 
he  made  some  hopeless  splashes  in  the  stream,  the 
only  effect  of  which  was  to  make  the  boat  turn  with  a 
circular  movement  towards  Folly  Bridge;  but  Charles 
Larkyns  at  once  came  to  the  rescue  with  the  simple 
but  energetic  compendium  of  boating  instruction, 
"  Put  your  oar  in  deep,  and  bring  it  out  with  a  jerk ! " 

Bearing  this  in  mind,  our  hero's  efforts  met  with 
well-merited  success;  and  he  soon  passed  that  man- 
sion which,  instead  of  cellars,  appears  to  have  an 
ingenious  system  of  small  rivers  to  thoroughly  irri- 
gate its  foundations.  One  by  one,  too,  he  passed 
those  house-boats  which  are  more  like  the  Noah's  arks 
of  toy-shops  than  any  thing  else,  and  sometimes  con- 
tain quite  as  original  a  mixture  of  animal  specimens. 
Warming  with  his  exertions,  Mr.  Verdant  Green 
passed  the  University  barge  in  great  style,  just  as 
the  eight  was  preparing  to  start ;  and  though  he  was 
not  able  to  "feather  his  oars  with  skill  and  dexterity," 
like  the  jolly  young  waterman  in  the  song,  yet  his 
sleight-of-hand  performances  with  them  proved  not 
only  a  source  of  great  satisfaction  to  the  crews  on  the 
river,  but  also  to  the  promenaders  on  the  shore. 

He  had  left  the  Christ  Church  meadows  far  behind, 
and  was  beginning  to  feel  slightly  exhausted  by  his 
unwonted  exertions,  when  he  reached  that  bewildering 


148  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

part  of  the  river  termed  "the  Gut."  So  confusing 
were  the  intestine  commotions  of  this  gut,  that,  after 
passing  a  chequered  existence  as  an  aquatic  shuttle- 
cock, and  being  assailed  with  a  slang-dictionary-full 
of  opprobrious  epithets,  Mr.  Verdant  Green  caught 
another  tremendous  crab,  and  before  he  could  recover 


himself,  the  "tub"  received  a  shock,  and,  with  a  loud 
cry  of  "Boat  ahead!"  ringing  in  his  ears,  the  Univer- 
sity Eight  passed  over  the  place  where  he  and  "the 
Sylph  "  had  so  lately  disported  themselves. 

With  the  wind  nearly  knocked  out  of  his  body  by 
the  blade  of  the  bow-oar  striking  him  on  the  chest  as 
he  rose  to  the  surface,  our  unfortunate  hero  was  imme- 
diately dragged  from  the  water,  in  a  condition  like 
that  of  the  child  in  "The  Stranger"  (the  only  joke, 


AN   OXFORD   FRESHMAN. 


149 


by  the  way,  in  that  most  dreary  play)  "  not  dead,  but 
very  wet ! "  and  forthwith  placed  in  safety  in  his 
deliverer's  boat. 

"  Hallo,  Gig-lamps !  who  the  doose  had  thought  of 
seeing  you  here,  devouring  Isis  in  this  expensive 
way ! "  said  a  voice  very  coolly.  And  our  hero  found 
that  he  had  been  rescued  by  little  Mr.  Bouncer,  who 
had  been  tacking  up  the  river  in  company  with  Huz 


and  Buz  and  his  meerschaum.  "  You  have  been  and 
gone  and  done  it  now,  young  man!"  continued  the 
vivacious  little  gentleman,  as  he  surveyed  our  hero's 
draggled  and  forlorn  condition.  "  If  you  'd  only  a 
comb  and  a  glass  in  your  hand,  you  'd  look  distress- 
ingly like  a  cross-breed  with  a  mermaid!  You  ain't 
subject  to  the  whatdyecallems  —  the  rheumatics,  are 
you?  Because,  if  so,  I  could  put  you  on  shore  at  a 
tidy  little  shop  where  you  can  get  a  glass  of  brandy- 
and-water,  and  have  your  clothes  dried;  and  then 
mamma  won't  scold." 


I5O  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

"Indeed,"  chattered  our  hero,  "I  shall  be  very  glad 
indeed;  for  I  feel  —  rather  cold.  But  what  am  I  to  do 
with  my  boat  ?  " 

"Oh,  the  Lively  Polly,  or  whatever  her  name  is, 
will  find  her  way  back  safe  enough.  There  are  plenty 
of  boatmen  on  the  river  who  '11  see  to  her  and  take  her 
back  to  her  owner;  and  if  you  got  her  from  Hall's,  I 


dare  say  she'll  dream  that  she's  dreamt  in  marble 
halls,  like  you  did,  Gig-lamps,  that  night  at  Smalls', 
when  you  got  wet  in  rather  a  more  lively  style  than 
you  've  done  to-day.  Now,  I  '11  tack  you  up  to  that 
little  shop  I  told  you  of." 

So  there  our  hero  was  put  on  shore,  and  Mr.  Bouncer 
made  fast  his  boat  and  accompanied  him ;  and  did  not 
leave  him  until  he  had  seen  him  between  the  blankets, 


AN   OXFORD   FRESHMAN.  151 

drinking  a  glass  of  hot  brandy-and-water,   the  while 
his  clothes  were  smoking  before  the  fire. 

This  little  adventure  (for  a  time  at  least)  checked 
Mr.  Verdant  Green's  aspirations  to  distinguish  him- 
self on  the  river;  and  he  therefore  renounced  the  sweets 
of  the  Isis,  and  contented  himself  by  practising  with 
a  punt  on  the  Cherwell.  There,  after  repeatedly  over- 
balancing himself  in  the  most  suicidal  manner,  he  at 
length  peacefully  settled  down  into  the  lounging  bliss- 
fulness  of  a  "Cherwell  water-lily;"  and  on  the  hot 
days,  among  those  gentlemen  who  had  moored  their 
punts  underneath  the  overhanging  boughs  of  the  wil- 
lows and  limes,  and  beneath  their  cool  shade  were 
lying,  in  dolce  far  niente  fashion,  with  their  legs  up 
and  a  weed  in  their  mouth,  reading  the  last  new  novel, 
or  some  less  immaculate  work,  — among  these  gentle- 
men might  haply  have  been  discerned  the  form  and 
spectacles  of  Mr.  Verdant  Green. 


152  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 


CHAPTER   XL 


MR.    VERDANT    GREEN  S    SPORTS    AND    PASTIMES. 

ARCHERY  was  all  the  fashion  at 
Brazenface.  They  had  as  fine 
a  lawn  for  it  as  the  Trinity 
men  had  ;  and  all  day  long 
there  was  somebody  to  be  seen 
making  holes  in  the  targets, 
and  endeavouring  to  realise 
the  pose  of  the  Apollo  Belvi- 
dere,  — rather  a  difficult  thing 
to  do,  when  you  come  to  wear 
plaid  trousers  and  shaggy 

coats.  As  Mr.  Verdant  Green  felt  desirous  not  only 
to  uphold  all  the  institutions  of  the  University,  but 
also  to  make  himself  acquainted  with  the  sports 
and  pastimes  of  the  place,  he  forthwith  joined  the 
Archery  and  Cricket  Clubs.  He  at  once  inspected 
the  manufactures  of  Muir  and  Buchanan ;  and  after 
selecting  from  their  stores  a  fancy-wood  bow,  with 
arrows,  belt,  quiver,  guard,  tips,  tassels,  and  grease 
pot,  he  felt  himself  to  be  duly  prepared  to  represent 
the  Toxophilite  character.  But  the  sustaining  it  was 
a  more  difficult  thing  than  he  had  conceived;  for 
although  he  thought  that  it  would  be  next  to  impos- 
sible to  miss  a  shot  when  the  target  was  so  large,  and 


AN   OXFORD   FRESHMAN. 


153 


the  arrow  went  so  easily  from  the  bow,  yet  our  hero 
soon  discovered  that  even  in  the  first  steps  of  archery 
there  was  something  to  be  learnt,  and  that  the  mere 
stringing  of  his  bow  was  a  performance  attended  with 
considerable  difficulty.  It  was  always  slipping  from 
his  instep,  or  twisting  the  wrong  way,  or  threatening 


to  snap  in  sunder,  or  refusing  to  allow  his  fingers  to 
slip  the  knot,  or  doing  something  that  was  dreadfully 
uncomfortable,  and  productive  of  perspiration;  and 
two  or  three  times  he  was  reduced  to  the  abject  neces- 
sity of  asking  his  friends  to  string  his  bow  for  him. 

But  when  he  had  mastered  this  slight  difficulty,  he 
found  that  the  arrows  (to  use  Mr.  Bouncer's  phrase) 
"wobbled,"  and  had  a  predilection  for  going  any  where 
but  into  the  target,  notwithstanding  its  size;  and 
unfortunately  one  went  into  the  body  of  the  Honour- 


154  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

able  Mr.  Stormer's  favourite  Skye  terrier,  though, 
thanks  to  its  shaggy  coat  and  the  bluntness  of  the 
arrow,  it  did  not  do  a  great  amount  of  mischief.  Never- 
theless, the  vials  of  Mr.  Stormer's  wrath  were  outpoured 
upon  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  head;  and  such  epea  ptero- 
enta  followed  the  winged  arrow,  that  our  hero  became 

alarmed,  and  for  the 
time  forswore  archery 
practice. 

As  he  had  fully 
equipped  himself  for 
archery,  so  also  Mr. 
Verdant  Green  (on 
the  authority  of  Mr. 
Bouncer)  got  himself 
up  for  cricket  regard- 
less of  expense;  and 
he  made  his  first  ap- 
pearance in  the  field 
in  a  straw  hat  with 
blue  ribbon,  and 
"  flannels, "  and  spiked 
shoes  of  perfect  pro- 
priety. As  Mr.  Bouncer  had  told  him  that,  in  cricket, 
attitude  was  every  thing,  Verdant,  as  soon  as  he  went 
in  for  his  innings,  took  up  what  he  considered  to  be  a 
very  good  position  at  the  wicket.  Little  Mr.  Bouncer, 
who  was  bowling,  delivered  the  ball  with  a  swiftness 
that  seemed  rather  astonishing  in  such  a  small  gentle- 
man. The  first  ball  was  "wide;"  nevertheless,  Ver- 
dant (after  it  had  passed),  struck  at  it,  raising  his  bat 
high  in  the  air,  and  bringing  it  straight  down  to  the 
ground  as  though  it  were  an  executioner's  axe.  The 


AN   OXFORD    FRESHMAN. 


155 


second  ball  was  nearer  to  the  mark ;  but  it  came  in  with 
such  swiftness,  that,  as  Mr.  Verdant  Green  was  quite 
new  to  round  bowling,  it  was  rather  too  quick  for 
him,  and  hit  him  severely  on  the  —  well,  never 
mind, — on  the  trousers. 

"  Hallo,   Gig-lamps ! "    shouted   the    delighted   Mr. 
Bouncer,   "nothing  like  backing  up;  but  it's  no  use 


assuming  a  stern  appearance;  you  '11  get  your  hand  in 
soon,  old  feller! " 

But  Verdant  found  that  before  he  could  get  his  hand 
in,  the  ball  was  got  into  his  wicket ;  and  that  while  he 
was  preparing  for  the  strike,  the  ball  shot  by ;  and,  as 
Mr.  Stumps,  the  wicket-keeper,  kindly  informed  him, 
"  there  was  a  row  in  his  timber-yard."  Thus  Verdant's 
score  was  always  on  the  lucus  a  non  lucendo  principle 


156     THE  ADVENTURES   OF   MR.   VERDANT   GREEN, 

of  derivation,  for  not  even  to  a  quarter  of  a  score  did 
it  ever  reach ;  and  he  felt  that  he  should  never  rival  a 
Mynn  or  be  a  Parr  with  any  one  of  the  "  All  England  " 
players. 

Besides    these    out-of-door    sports,    our    hero   also 
devoted  a  good  deal  of  his  time  to  acquiring  in-door 


games,  being  quickly  initiated  into  the  mysteries  of 
billiards,  and  plunging  headlong  into  pool.  It  was  in 
the  billiard-room  that  Verdant  first  formed  his  acquain- 
tance with  Mr.  Fluke  of  Christ  Church,  well  known  to 
be  the  best  player  in  the  University,  and  who,  if  report 
spoke  truly,  always  made  his  five  hundred  a  year  by 
his  skill  in  the  game.  Mr.  Fluke  kindly  put  our  hero 
"into  the  way  to  become  a  player; "  and  Verdant  soon 


AN   OXFORD    FRESHMAN. 


157 


found   the   apprenticeship    was   attended    with    rather 
heavy  fees. 

At  the  wine-parties  also  that  he  attended  he  became 
rather  a  greater  adept  at  cards  than  he  had  formerly 
been.  "Van  John"  was  the  favourite  game;  and  he 
was  not  long  in  discovering  that  staking  shillings  and 


half-crowns,  instead  of  counters  and  "fish,"  and  going 
odds  on  the  colours,  and  losing  five  pounds  before  he 
was  aware  of  it,  was  a  very  different  thing  to  playing 
vingt-et-un  at  home  with  his  sisters  for  "love,"  — 
though  perhaps  cards  afford  the  only  way  in  which 
young  ladies  at  twenty-one  will  play  for  love. 

In  returning  to  Brazenface  late  from  these  parties, 
our  hero  was  sometimes  frightfully  alarmed  by  suddenly 


158  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

finding  himself  face  to  face  with  a  dreadful  apparition, 
to  which,  by  constant  familiarity,  he  gradually  became 
accustomed,  and  learned  to  look  upon  as  the  proctor 
with  his  marshal  and  bull-dogs.  At  first,  too,  he 
was  on  such  occasions  greatly  alarmed  at  finding  the 


gates  of  Brazenface  closed,  obliging  him  thereby  to 
"knock-in;"  and  not  only  did  he  apologise  to  the 
porter  for  troubling  him  to  open  the  wicket,  but  he 
also  volunteered  elaborate  explanations  of  the  reasons 
that  had  kept  him  out  after  time,  — explanations  that 
were  not  received  in  the  spirit  with  which  they  were 
tendered.  When  our  freshman  became  aware  of  the 
mysteries  of  a  gate-bill,  he  felt  more  at  his  ease. 


AN   OXFORD    FRESHMAN. 


159 


Mr.  Verdant  Green  learned  many  things  during  his 
freshman's  term,  and  among  others,  he  discovered  that 
the  quiet  retirement  of  college-rooms,  of  which  he  had 
heard  so  much,  was  in  many  cases  an  unsubstantial 
idea,  founded  on  imagination,  and  built  up  by  fancy. 


One  day  that  he  had  been  writing  a  letter  in  Mr. 
Smalls'  rooms,  which  were  on  the  ground-floor,  Ver- 
dant congratulated  himself  that  his  own  rooms  were 
on  the  third  floor,  and  were  thus  removed  from  the 
possibility  of  his  friends,  when  he  had  sported  his  oak, 
being  able  to  get  through  his  window  to  "chaff"  him; 
but  he  soon  discovered  that  rooms  upstairs  had  also 
objectionable  points  in  their  private  character,  and 


I6O  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

were  not  altogether  such  eligible  apartments  as  he  had 
at  first  anticipated.  First  there  was  the  getting  up  and 
down  the  dislocated  staircase,  a  feat  which  at  night 
was  sometimes  attended  with  difficulty.  Then,  when 
he  had  accomplished  this  feat,  there  was  no  way  of 
escaping  from  the  noise  of  his  neighbours.  Mr.  Sloe, 


the  reading-man  in  the  garret  above,  was  one  of  those 
abominable  nuisances,  a  peripatetic  student,  who  "got 
up  "  every  subject  by  pacing  up  and  down  his  limited 
apartment,  and,  like  the  sentry,  "walked  his  dreary 
round  "  at  unseasonable  hours  of  the  night,  at  which 
time  could  be  plainly  heard  the  wretched  chuckle,  and 
crackings  of  knuckles  (Mr.  Sloe's  way  of  expressing 
intense  delight),  with  which  he  welcomed  some  mis- 
erable joke  of  Aristophanes,  painfully  elaborated  by 


AN    OXFORD   FRESHMAN. 


161 


the  help  of  Liddell-and-Scott ;  or  the  disgustingly 
sonorous  way  in  which  he  declaimed  his  Greek 
choruses.  This  was  bad  enough  at  night,  but  in  the 
day-time  there  was  a  still 
greater  nuisance.  The 
rooms  immediately  be- 
neath Verdant 's  were  pos- 
sessed by  a  gentleman 
whose  musical  powers  were 
of  an  unusually  limited 
description,  but  who,  un- 
fortunately for  his  neigh- 
bours, possessed  the  idea 
that  the  cornet-a-piston 
was  a  beautiful  instrument  for  pic-nics,  races,  boating- 
parties,  and  other  long-vacation  amusements,  and 
sedulously  practised  "In  my  cottage  near  a  wood," 
"Away  with  melancholy,"  and  other  airs  of  a  lively 
character,  in  a  doleful  and  distracted  way,  that  would 
have  fully  justified  his  immediate  homicide,  or,  at  any 
rate,  the  confiscation  of  his  offending  instrument. 

Then,  on  the  one  side  of  Verdant 's  room,  was  Mr. 
Bouncer,  sounding  his  octaves,  and  "going  the  com- 
plete unicorn ;  "  and  his  bull-terriers,  Huz  and  Buz, 
all  and  each  of  whom  were  of  a  restless  and  loud  tem- 
perament :  while,  on  the  other  side,  were  Mr.  Four-in- 
hand  Fosbrooke's  rooms,  in  which  fencing,  boxing, 
single-stick,  and  other  violent  sports  were  gone  through, 
with  a  great  expenditure  of  "Sa-ha!  sa-ha!"  and 
stampings.  Verdant  was  sometimes  induced  to  go  in, 
and  never  could  sufficiently  admire  the  way  in  which 
men  could  be  rapped  with  single-sticks  without  crying 
out  or  flinching;  for  it  made  him  almost  sore  even  to 


ii 


162   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

look  at  them.  Mr.  Blades,  the  stroke,  was  a  frequent 
visitor  there,  and  developed  his  muscles  in  the  most 
satisfactory  manner. 

After  many  refusals,  our  hero  was  at  length  per- 
suaded to  put  on  the  gloves,  and  have  a  friendly  bout 
with  Mr.  Blades.  The  result  was  as  might  have  been 
anticipated;  and  Mr.  Smalls  doubtless  gave  a  very 
correct  resumt  of  the  proceeding  (for,  as  we  have 


before  said,  he  was  thoroughly  conversant  with  the 
sporting  slang  of  "Tintinnabulum's  Life"  ),  when  he 
told  Verdant,  that  his  claret  had  been  repeatedly 
tapped,  his  bread-basket  walked  into,  his  day-lights 
darkened,  his  ivories  rattled,  his  nozzle  barked,  his 
whisker-bed  napped  heavily,  his  kissing-trap  coun- 
tered, his  ribs  roasted,  his  nut  spanked,  and  his  whole 
person  put  in  chancery,  stung,  bruised,  fibbed,  propped, 
fiddled,  slogged,  and  otherwise  ill-treated.  So  it  is 
hardly  to  be  wondered  at  if  Mr.  Verdant  Green  from 
thenceforth  gave  up  boxing,  as  a  senseless  and  ungen- 
tlemanly  amusement. 

But  while  these  pleasures  (?)  of  the  body  were  being 


AN   OXFORD   FRESHMAN. 


163 


attended  to,  the  recreation  of  the  mind  was  not  for- 
gotten. Mr.  Larkyns  had  proposed  Verdant' s  name 
at  the  Union;  and,  to  that  gentleman's  great  satisfac- 
tion, he  was  not  black-balled.  He  daily,  therefore, 
frequented  the  reading-room,  and  made  a  point  of 
looking  through  all  the  magazines  and  newspapers ; 
while  he  felt  quite  a  pride  in  sitting  in  luxurious  state 
upstairs,  writing  his  letters  to  the  home  department 


on  the  very  best  note-paper,  and  sealing  them  exten- 
sively with  "the  Oxford  Union"  seal  ;  though  he 
could  not  at  first  be  persuaded  that  trusting  his  letters 
to  a  wire  closet  was  at  all  a  safe  system  of  postage. 

He  also  attended  the  Debates,  which  were  then  held 
in  the  long  room  behind  Wyatt's;  and  he  was  particu- 
larly charmed  with  the  manner  in  which  vital  ques- 
tions, that  (as  he  learned  from  the  newspapers)  had 
proved  stumbling-blocks  to  the  greatest  statesmen  of 
ihc  land,  were  rapidly  solved  by  the  embryo  statesmen 


1 64   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

of  the  Oxford  Union.  It  was  quite  a  sight,  in  that  long 
picture-room,  to  see  the  rows  of  light  iron  seats  densely 
crowded  with  young  men,  —  some  of  whom  would  per- 
haps rise  to  be  Cannings,  or  Peels,  or  Gladstones, —  and 
to  hear  how  one  beardless  gentleman  would  call  another 
beardless  gentleman  his  "honourable  friend,"  and  ap- 
peal "to  the  sense  of  the  House,"  and  address  himself 
to  "Mr.  Speaker;  "  and  how  they  would  all  juggle  the 
same  tricks  of  rhetoric  as  their  fathers  were  doing  in 
certain  other  debates  in  a  certain  other  House.  And 
it  was  curious,  too,  to  mark  the  points  of  resemblance 
between  the  two  Houses;  and  how  the  smaller  one 
had,  on  its  smaller  scale,  its  Hume,  and  its  Lord 
John,  and  its  "Dizzy;"  and  how  they  went  through 
the  same  traditional  forms,  and  preserved  the  same 
time-honoured  ideas,  and  debated  in  the  fullest  houses, 
with  the  greatest  spirit  and  the  greatest  length,  on 
such  points  as,  "  What  course  is  it  advisable  for  this 
country  to  take  in  regard  to  the  government  of  its 
Indian  possessions,  and  the  imprisonment  of  Mr. 
Jones  by  the  Rajah  of  Humbugpoopoonah  ?  "  Indeed, 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  was  so  excited  by  this  interesting 
debate,  that  on  the  third  night  of  its  adjournment  he 
rose  to  address  the  House;  but  being  "no  orator  as 
Brutus  is,."  his  few  broken  words  were  received  with 
laughter,  and  the  honourable  gentleman  was  coughed 
down. 

Our  hero  had,  as  an  Oxford  freshman,  to  go  through 
that  cheerful  form  called  "sitting  in  the  schools,"  — 
a  form  which  consisted  in  the  following  ceremony. 
Through  a  door  in  the  right-hand  corner  of  the  Schools 
Quadrangle,  —  (Oh,  that  door !  does  it  not  bring  a 
pang  into  your  heart  only  to  think  of  it,  —  to  remember 


AN   OXFORD   FRESHMAN.  165 

the  day  when  you  went  in  there  as  pale  as  the  little 
pair  of  bands  in  which  you  were  dressed  for  your  sac- 
rifice; and  came  out  all  in  a  glow  and  a  chill  when 
your  examination  was  over;  and  posted  your  bosom 
friend  there  to  receive  from  Purdue  the  little  slip  of 
paper,  and  bring  you  the  thrilling  intelligence  that 
you  had  passed;  or  to  come  empty-handed,  and  say 
that  you  had  been  plucked!  Oh,  that  door!  well 
might  be  inscribed  there  the  line  which,  on  Dante's 
authority,  is  assigned  to  the  door  of  another  place,  — 

"ALL   HOPE    ABANDON,    YE    WHO    ENTER    HERE!") 

—  entering  through  this  door  in  company  with  several 
other  unfortunates,  our  hero  passed  between  two  gal- 
leries through  a  passage,  by  which,  if  the  place  had 
been  a  circus,  the  horses  would  have  entered,  and 
found  himself  in  a  tolerably  large  room  lighted  on 
either  side  by  windows,  and  panelled  half-way  up  the 
walls.  Down  the  centre  of  this  room  ran  a  large 
green-baize-covered  table,  on  the  one  side  of  which 
were  some  eight  or  ten  miserable  beings  who  were 
then  undergoing  examination,  and  were  supplied  with 
pens,  ink,  blotting-pad,  and  large  sheets  of  thin 
"scribble-paper,"  on  which  they  were  struggling  to 
impress  their  ideas;  or  else  had  a  book  set  before 
them,  out  of  which  they  were  construing,  or  being 
racked  with  questions  that  touched  now  on  one  subject 
and  now  on  another,  like  a  bee  among  flowers.  The 
large  table  was  liberally  supplied  with  all  the  appara- 
tus and  instruments  of  torture ;  and  on  the  other  side 
of  it  sat  the  three  examiners,  as  dreadful  and  formid- 
able as  the  terrible  three  of  Venice.  At  the  upper 
end  of  the  room  was  a  chair  of  state  for  the  Vice- 


166  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR-  VERDANT  GREEN, 

Chancellor,  whenever  he  deigned  to  personally  super- 
intend the  torture ;  to  the  right  and  left  of  which  accom- 
modation was  provided  for  other  victims.  On  the  right 
hand  of  the  room  was  a  small  open  gallery  of  two  seats 


nnnnonncoaa 


(like  those  seen  in  infant  schools);  and  here,  from  10 
in  the  morning  till  4  in  the  afternoon,  with  only  the 
interval  of  a  quarter  of  an  hour  for  luncheon,  Mr. 
Verdant  Green  was  compelled  to  sit  and  watch  the  pro- 
ceedings, his  perseverance  being  attested  to  by  a 
certificate  which  he  received  as  a  reward  for  his  meri- 
torious conduct.  If  this  "  sitting  in  the  schools  "  l  was 
established  as  an  in  terrorem  form  for  the  spectators,  it 
undoubtedly  generally  had  the  desired  effect ;  and  what 
1  This  form  has  been  abolished  (1853)  under  the  new  regulations. 


AN  OXFORD    FRESHMAN. 


16; 


with  the  misery  of  sitting  through  a  whole  day  on  a 
hard  bench  with  nothing  to  do,  and  the  agony  of  see- 
ing your  fellow-creatures  plucked,  and  having  visions 


of  the  same  prospective  fate  for  yourself,  the  day  on 
which  the  sitting  took  place  was  usually  regarded  as 
one  of  those  which,  "if  'twere  done,  'twere  well  it 
should  be  done  quickly." 


As  an  appropriate  sequel  to  this  proceeding,  Mr. 
Verdant  Green  attended  the  interesting  ceremony  of 
conferring  degrees;  where  he  discovered  that  the 
apparently  insane  promenade  of  the  proctor  gave  rise 
to  the  name  bestowed  on  (what  Mr.  Larkyns  called) 


168  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

the  equally  insane  custom  of  "plucking."1  There  too 
our  hero  saw  the  Vice-Chancellor  in  all  his  glory;  and 
so  agreeable  were  the  proceedings,  that  altogether  he 
had  a  great  deal  of  Bliss.2 

1  When  the  degrees  are  conferred,  the  name  of  each  person  is 
read  out  before  he  is  presented  to  the  Vice-Chancellor.     The  proc- 
tor then  walks  once  up  and  down  the  room,  so  that  any  person  who 
objects  to  the  degree  being  granted  may  signify  the  same  by  pull- 
ing or  "  plucking  "  the  proctor's  robes.     This  has  been  occasionally 
done  by  tradesmen,  in  order  to  obtain  payment  of  their  "little 
bills  ;  "  but  such  a  proceeding  is  very  rare,  and  the  proctor's  pro- 
menade is  usually  undisturbed. 

2  The  Rev.  Philip  Bliss,  D.C.L.,  after  holding  the  onerous  post 
of  Registrar  of  the  University  for  many  years,  and  discharging  its 
duties  in  a  way  that  called  forth  the  unanimous  thanks  of  the 
University,  resigned  office  in  1853. 


AN  OXFORD   FRESHMAN. 


169 


CHAPTER   XII. 


MR.     VERDANT    GREEN    TERMINATES    HIS    EXISTENCE    AS 
AN    OXFORD    FRESHMAN. 

"BEFORE  I  go  home," 
said  Mr.  Verdant  Green, 
as  he  expelled  a  volume 
of  smoke  from  his  lips, 
—  for  he  had  overcome 
his  first  weakness,  and 
now  "  took  his  weed " 
regularly,  —  "  before  I 
go  home,  I  must  see 
what  I  owe  in  the  place ; 
for  my  father  said  he  did 
not  like  for  me  to  run 
in  debt,  but  wished  me 
to  settle  my  bills  ter- 
minally." 

"  What,  you  're  afraid 
of  having  what  we  call 

bill-ious  fever,  I  suppose,  eh  ? "  laughed  Charles 
Larkyns.  "  All  exploded  ideas,  my  dear  fellow.  They 
do  very  well  in  their  way,  but  they  don't  answer;  don't 
pay,  in  fact;  and  the  shopkeepers  don't  like  it  either. 
By  the  way,  I  can  show  you  a  great  curiosity,  —  the 
autograph  of  an  Oxford  tradesman,  very  rare !  I  think 


1 70  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

of  presenting  it  to  the  Ashmolean."  And  Mr.  Larkyns 
opened  his  writing-desk,  and  took  therefrom  an  Oxford 
pastrycook's  bill,  on  which  appeared  the  magic  word, 
"Received." 

"Now  there  is  one  thing,"  continued  Mr.  Larkyns, 
"  which  you  really  must  do  before  you  go  down,  and 
that  is  to  see  Blenheim.  And  the  best  thing  that  you 
can  do  is  to  join  Fosbrooke  and  Bouncer  and  me,  in  a 


trap  to  Woodstock  to-morrow.  We'll  go  in  good 
time,  and  make  a  day  of  it." 

Verdant  readily  agreed  to  make  one  of  the  party; 
and  the  next  morning,  after  a  breakfast  in  Charles 
Larkyns'  rooms,  they  made  their  way  to  a  side  street 
leading  out  of  Beaumont  Street,  where  the  dog-cart 
was  in  waiting.  As  it  was  drawn  by  two  horses, 
placed  in  tandem  fashion,  Mr.  Fosbrooke  had  an 
opportunity  of  displaying  his  Jehu  powers ;  which  he 
djid  to  great  advantage,  not  allowing  his  leader  to  run 
his  nose  into  the  cart,  and  being  enabled  to  turn  sharp 
corners  without  chipping  the  bricks,  or  running  the 
wheel  up  the  bank. 

They  reached  Woodstock  after  a  very  pleasant  ride, 


AN   OXFORD   FRESHMAN. 


171 


and  clattered  up  its  one  long  street  to  the  principal 
hotel;  but  Mr.  Fosbrooke  whipped  into  the  yard  to 
the  left  so  rapidly,  that  our  hero,  who  was  not  much 
used  to  the  back  seat  of  a  dog-cart,  flew  off  by  some 
means  at  a  tangent  to  the  right,  and  was  consequently 
degraded  in  the  eyes  of  the  inhabitants. 


After  ordering  for  dinner  every  thing  that  the  house 
was  enabled  to  supply,  they  made  their  way  in  the 
first  place  (as  it  could  only  be  seen  between  1 1  and  i) 
to  Blenheim ;  the  princely  splendours  of  which  were 
not  only  costly  in  themselves,  but,  as  our  hero  soon 
found,  costly  also  to  the  sight-seer.  The  doors  in  the 
suite  of  apartments  were  all  opposite  to  each  other,  so 
that,  as  a  crimson  cord  was  passed  from  one  to  the 
other,  the  spectator  was  kept  entirely  to  the  one  side 
of  the  room,  and  merely  a  glance  could  be  obtained  of 


172   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

the  Raffaelle,  the  glorious  Rubens's,1  the  Vandycks, 
and  the  almost  equally  fine  Sir  Joshuas.  But  even 
the  glance  they  had  was  but  a  passing  one,  as  the 
servant  trotted  them  through  the  rooms  with  the 
rapidity  of  locomotion  and  explanation  of  a  Westmin- 
ster Abbey  verger;  and  he  made  a  fierce  attack  on 
Verdant,  who  had  lagged  behind,  and  was  short- 
sightedly peering  at  the  celebrated  "Charles  the 
First "  of  Vandyck,  as  though  he  had  lingered  in  order 
to  surreptitiously  appropriate  some  of  the  tables, 
couches,  and  other  trifling  articles  that  ornamented 
the  rooms.  In  this  way  they  went  at  railroad  pace 
through  the  suite  of  rooms  and  the  library, — where 
the  chief  thing  pointed  out  appeared  to  be  a  grease- 
mark  on  the  floor  made  by  somebody  at  somebody  else's 
wedding-breakfast,  —  and  to  the  chapel,  where  they 
admired  the  ingenuity  of  the  sparrows  and  other  birds 
that  built  about  Rysbrach's  monumental  mountain  of 
marble  to  the  memory  of  the  Duke  and  Duchess  of 
Marlborough ;  —  and  then  to  the  so-called  "Titian 
room,"  (shade  of  mighty  Titian,  forgive  the  insult!) 
where  they  saw  the  Loves  of  the  Gods  represented  in 
the  most  unlovable  manner,2  and  where  a  flunkey 
lounged  lazily  at  the  door,  and,  in  spite  of  Mr. 
Bouncer's  expostulatory  "chaff,"  demanded  half-a- 
crown  for  the  sight. 

1  Dr.  Waagen  says  that  the  Rubens  collection  at  Blenheim  is 
only  surpassed  by  the  royal  galleries  of  Munich,  Vienna,  Madrid, 
and  Paris. 

2  The  ladies  alone  would  repel  one  by  their  gaunt  ugliness,  their 
flesh  being  apparently  composed  of  the  article  on  which  the  pic- 
tures are  painted  —  leather.     The  only  picture  not  by  "  Titian  "  in 
this  room  is  a   Rubens,  —  "  the    Rape   of   Proserpine,"  —  to  see 
which  is  well  worth  the  half-crown  charged  for  the  sight  of  the 
others. 


AN   OXFORD   FRESHMAN.  173 

Indeed,  the  sight-seeing  at  Blenheim  seemed  to  be 
a  system  of  half-crowns.  The  first  servant  would  take 
them  a  little  way,  and  then  say,  "I  don't  go  any 
further,  sir;  half-a-crown ! "  and  hand  them  over  to 
servant  number  two,  who,  after  a  short  interval,  would 
pass  them  on  (half-a-crown ! )  to  the  servant  who 
showed  the  chapel  (half-a-crown !)  who  would  forward 
them  on  to  the  "  Titian"  Gallery  (half-a-crown ! ),  who 
would  hand  them  over  to  the  flower-garden  (half-a- 
crown!),  who  would  entrust  them  to  the  rose-garden 
(half-a-crown !),  who  would  give  them  up  to  another, 
who  showed  parts  of  the  Park,  and  the  rest  of  it. 
Somewhat  in  this  manner  an  Oxford  party  sees  Blen- 
heim (the  present  of  the  nation);  and  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  found  it  the  most  expensive  show-place  he  had 
ever  seen. 

Some  of  the  Park,  however,  was  free  (though  they 
were  two  or  three  times  ordered  to  "get  off  the 
grass " ) ;  and  they  rambled  about  among  the  noble 
trees,  and  admired  the  fine  views  of  the  Hall,  and 
smoked  their  weeds,  and  became  very  pathetic  at 
Rosamond's  Spring.  They  then  came  back  into  Wood- 
stock, which  they  found  to  be  like  all  Oxford  towns, 
only  rather  duller  perhaps,  the  principal  signs  of  life 
being  some  fowls  lazily  pecking  about  in  the  grass- 
grown  street,  and  two  cats  sporting  without  fear  of 
interruption  from  a  dog,  who  was  too  much  overcome 
by  the  ennui  of  the  place  to  interfere  with  them. 

Mr.  Bouncer  then  led  the  way  to  an  inn,  where  the 
bar  was  presided  over  by  a  young  lady,  "on  whom,"  he 
said,  "  he  was  desperately  sweet, "  and  with  whom  he 
conversed  in  the  most  affable  and  brotherly  manner, 
and  for  whom  also  he  had  brought,  as  an  appropriate 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

present,  a  Book  of  Comic  Songs;  "for,"  said  the  little 
gentleman,  "hang  it!  she's  a  girl  of  what  you  call 
mind,  you  know!  and  she's  heard  of  the  opera,  and 
begun  the  piano,  — though  she  don't  get  much  time, 
you  see,  for  it  in  the  bar,  —  and  she  sings  regular 
slap-up,  and  no  mistake!" 

So  they  left  this  young  lady  drawing  bitter  beer  for 
Mr.  Bouncer,  and  otherwise  attending  to  her  adorer's 
wants,  and  endeavoured  to  have  a  game  of  billiards  on 
a  wooden  table  that  had  no  cushions,  with  curious 
cues  that  had  no  leathers.  Slightly  failing  in  this 
difficult  game,  they  strolled  about  till  dinner-time, 
when  Mr.  Verdant  Green  became  mysteriously  lost  for 
some  time,  and  was  eventually  found  by  Charles  Lar- 
kyns  and  Mr.  Fosbrooke  in  a  glover's  shop,  where  he 
was  sitting  on  a  high  stool,  and  basking  in  the  sun- 
shiny smiles  of  two  "neat  little  glovers."  Our  hero 
at  first  feigned  to  be  simply  making  purchases  of 
Woodstock  gloves  and  purses,  as  souvenirs  of  his  visit, 
and  presents  for  his  sisters;  but  in  the  course  of  the 
evening,  being  greatly  "chaffed"  on  the  subject,  he 
began  to  exercise  his  imagination,  and  talk  of  the 
"great  fun  "  he  had  had  ;  —  though  what  particular  fun 
there  may  be  in  smiling  amiably  across  a  counter  at  a 
feminine  shopkeeper  who  is  selling  you  gloves,  it  is 
hard  to  say:  perhaps  Dr.  Sterne  could  help  us  to  an 
answer. 

They  spent  altogether  a  very  lively  day;  and  after 
a  rather  protracted  sitting  over  their  wine,  they 
returned  to  Oxford  with  great  hilarity,  Mr.  Bouncer's 
post-horn  coming  out  with  great  effect  in  the  stillness 
of  the  moonlight  night.  Unfortunately  their  mirth 
was  somewhat  checked  when  they  had  got  as  far  as 


AN   OXFORD   FRESHMAN. 


175 


Peyman's  Gate;  for  the  proctor,  with  mistaken  kind- 
ness, had  taken  the  trouble  to  meet  them  there,  lest 
they  should  escape  him  by  entering  Oxford  by  any 
devious  way;  and  the  marshal  and  the  bull-dogs  were 
at  the  leader's  head  just  as  Mr.  Fosbrooke  was  trium- 
phantly guiding  them  through  the  turnpike.  Verdant 


gave  up  his  name  and  that  of  his  college  with  a  thrill 
of  terror,  and  nearly  fell  off  the  drag  from  fright, 
when  he  was  told  to  call  upon  the  proctor  the  next 
morning. 

"Keep  your  pecker  up,  old  feller!"  said  Mr. 
Bouncer,  in  an  encouraging  tone,  as  they  drove  into 
Oxford,  "and  don't  be  down  in  the  mouth  about  a 
dirty  trick  like  this.  He  won't  hurt  you  much,  Gig- 
lamps  !  Gate  and  chapel  you ;  or  give  you  some  old 


176   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

Greek  party  to  write  out ;  or  send  you  down  to  your 
mammy  for  a  twelvemonth;  or  some  little  trifle  of  that 
sort.  I  only  wish  the  beggar  would  come  up  our  stair- 
case !  If  Huz,  and  Buz  his  brother,  did  n't  do  their  duty 
by  him,  it  would  be  doosid  odd.  Now,  don't  you  go 
and  get  bad  dreams,  Gig-lamps!  because  it  don't  pay; 
and  you  '11  soon  get  used  to  these  sort  of  things;  and 
what 's  the  odds,  as  long  as  you  're  happy?  I  like  to 
take  things  coolly,  I  do." 

To  judge  from  Mr.  Bouncer's  serenity,  and  the 
far-from-nervous  manner  in  which  he  "sounded  his 
octaves,"  he  at  least  appeared  to  be  thoroughly  used 
to  "that  sort  of  thing,"  and  doubtless  slept  as  tran- 
quilly as  though  nothing  wrong  had  occurred.  But  it 
was  far  different  with  our  hero,  who  passed  a  sleepless 
night  of  terror  as  to  his  probable  fate  on  the  morrow. 

And  when  the  morrow  came,  and  he  found  himself 
in  the  dreaded  presence  of  the  constituted  authority, 
armed  with  all  the  power  of  the  law,  he  was  so  over- 
come that  he  fell  on  his  knees  and  made  an  abject 
spectacle  of  himself,  imploring  that  he  might  not  be 
expelled,  and  bring  down  his  father's  grey  hairs  in  the 
usually  quoted  manner.  To  his  immense  relief,  how- 
ever, he  was  treated  in  a  more  lenient  way ;  and  as  the 
term  had  nearly  expired,  his  punishment  could  not  be 
of  long  duration;  and  as  for  the  impositions,  why,  as 
Mr.  Bouncer  said,  "Ain't  there  coves  to  barberisQ  'em  l 
for  you,  Gig-lamps  ?  " 

Thus  our  freshman  gained  experience  daily ;  so  that 

by  the  end  of  the  term,  he  found  that  short  as  the  time 

had  been,  it  had  been  long  enough  for  him  to  learn 

what  Oxford  life  was  like,  and  that  there  was  in  it  a 

1  Impositions  are  often  performed  by  deputy. 


AN   OXFORD    FRESHMAN. 


177 


great  deal  to  be  copied,  as  well  as  some  things  to  be 
shunned.  The  freshness  he  had  so  freely  shown  on 
entering  Oxford  had  gradually  yielded  as  the  term 
went  on;  and,  when  he  had  run  halloing  the  Brazen- 
face  boat  all  the  way  up  from  Iffley,  and  had  seen  Mr. 
Blades  realise  his  most  sanguine  dreams  as  to  "the 
head  of  the  river  ; "  and  when,  from  the  gallery  of  the 


jil 


theatre,  he  had  taken  part  in  the  licensed  saturnalia  of 
the  Commemoration,  and  had  cheered  for  the  ladies  in 
pink  and  blue,  and  even  given  "one  more"  for  the 
very  proctor  who  had  so  lately  interfered  with  his 
liberties ;  and  when  he  had  gone  to  a  farewell  pass- 
party  (which  Charles  Larkyns  did  not  give),  and  had 
assisted  in  the  other  festivities  that  usually  mark  the 
end  of  the  academical  year,  —  Mr.  Verdant  Green 
found  himself  to  be  possessed  of  a  considerable  acqui- 


12 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

sition  of  knowledge  of  a  most  miscellaneous  character; 
and  on  the  authority,  and  in  the  figurative  eastern  lan- 
guage of  Mr.  Bouncer,  "he  was  sharpened  up  no  end, 
by  being  well  rubbed  against  university  bricks.  So, 
good  by,  old  feller!"  said  the  little  gentleman,  with 
a  kind  remembrance  of  imaginary  individuals,  "and 
give  my  love  to  Sairey  and  the  little  uns. "  And  Mr. 
Bouncer  "went  the  complete  unicorn"  for  the  last 
time  in  that  term,  by  extemporising  a  farewell  solo  to 
Verdant,  which  was  of  such  an  agonising  character  of 
execution,  that  Huz,  and  Buz  his  brother,  lifted  up 
their  noses  and  howled. 

"Which  they  're  the  very  moral  of  Christyuns,  sir!  " 
observed  Mrs.  Tester,  who  was  dabbing  her  curtseys 
in  thankfulness  for  the  large  amount  with  which  our 
hero  had  "tipped"  her.  "And  has  ears  for  moosic, 
sir.  With  grateful  thanks  to  you,  sir,  for  the  same. 
And  it 's  obleeged  I  feel  in  my  art.  Which  it  reelly 
were  like  what  my  own  son  would  do,  sir.  As  was 
found  in  drink  for  his  rewing.  And  were  took  to  the 
West  Injies  for  a  sojer.  Which  he  were  —  ugh!  oh, 
oh!  Which  you  be'old  me  a  hafrlicted  martyr  to  these 
spazzums,  sir.  And  how  I  am  to  get  through  them 
doorin'  the  veecation.  Without  a  havin'  'em  eased  by 
a-goin'  to  your  cupboard,  sir.  For  just  three  spots  o' 
brandy  on  a  lump  o'  sugar,  sir.  Is  a  summut  as  I  'm 
afeered  to  think  on.  Oh  !  ugh  !  "  Upon  which  Mrs. 
Tester's  grief  and  spasms  so  completely  overcame  her, 
that  our  hero  presented  her  with  an  extra  half-sove- 
reign, wherewith  to  purchase  the  medicine  that  was  so 
peculiarly  adapted  to  her  complaint.  Mr.  Robert 
Filcherwas  also  "tipped"  in  the  same  liberal  manner; 
and  our  hero  completed  his  first  term's  residence 


AN  OXFORD   FRESHMAN. 


I79 


in  Brazenface  by  establishing  himself  as  a  decided 
favourite. 

Among  those  who  seemed  disposed  to  join  in  this 
opinion  was  the  Jehu  of  the  Warwickshire  coach,  who 
expressed  his  conviction  to  our  delighted  hero,  that 
"  he  wos  a  young  gent  as  had  much  himproved  hisself 
since  he  tooled  him  up  to  the  'Varsity  with  his 
guvnor."  To  fully  deserve  which  high  opinion,  Mr. 
Verdant  Green  tipped  for  the  box-seat,  smoked  more 
than  was  good  for 
him,  and  besides 
finding  the  coach- 
man in  weeds, 
drank  with  him  at 
every  "  change  "  on 
the  road. 

The  carriage  met 
him  at  the  appoint- 
ed place,  and  his 

luggage  (no  longer  encased  in  canvas,  after  the  man- 
ner of  females)  was  soon  transferred  to  it ;  and  away 
went  our  hero  to  the  Manor  Green,  where  he  was 
received  with  the  greatest  demonstrations  of  delight. 
Restored  to  the  bosom  of  his  family,  our  hero  was 
converted  into  a  kind  of  domestic  idol;  while  it  was 
proposed  by  Miss  Mary  Green,  seconded  by  Miss 
Fanny,  and  carried  by  unanimous  acclamation,  that 
Mr.  Verdant  Green's  University  career  had  greatly 
enhanced  his  attractions. 

The  opinion  of  the  drawing-room  was  echoed  from 
the  servants' -hall,  the  ladies'  maid  in  particular  being 
heard  freely  to  declare,  that  "  Oxford  College  had  made 
quite  a  man  of  Master  Verdant !  " 


180   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

As  the  little  circumstance  on  which  she  probably 
grounded  her  encomium  had  fallen  under  the  notice  of 
Miss  Virginia  Verdant,  it  may  have  accounted  for  that 
most  correct-minded  lady  being  more  reserved  in 
expressing  her  opinion  of  her  nephew's  improvement 
than  were  the  rest  of  the  family;  but  she  nevertheless 
thought  a  great  deal  on  the  subject. 


"Well,  Verdant!"  said  Mr.  Green,  after  hearing- 
divers  anecdotes  of  his  son's  college-life,  carefully 
prepared  for  home-consumption,  "now  tell  us  what 
you've  learnt  in  Oxford." 

"Why,"  replied  our  hero,  as  he  reflected  on  his 
freshman's  career,  "I  have  learnt  to  think  for  myself, 
and  not  to  believe  every  thing  that  I  hear;  and  I  think 
I  coulcl  fight  my  way  in  the  world ;  and  I  can  chaff  a 
cad  —  " 


AN  OXFORD   FRESHMAN.  l8l 

"Chaff  a  cad!  oh!"  groaned  Miss  Virginia  to  her. 
self,  thinking  it  was  something  extremely  dreadful. 

"  And  I  have  learnt  to  row  —  at  least,  not  quite ;  but 
I  can  smoke  a  weed  —  a  cigar,  you  know.  I  've  learnt 
that." 

"Oh,  Verdant,  you  naughty  boy!"  said  Mrs.  Green, 
with  maternal  fondness.  "  I  was  sadly  afraid  that 
Charles  Larkyns  would  teach  you  all  his  wicked  school 
habits ! " 

"Why,  mama,"  said  Mary,  who  was  sitting  on  a 
footstool  at  her  brother's  knee,  and  spoke  up  in 
defence  of  his  college  friend;  "why,  mama,  all  gen- 
tlemen smoke;  and  of  course  Mr.  Charles  Larkyns 
and  Verdant  must  do  as  others  do.  But  I  dare  say, 
Verdant,  he  taught  you  more  useful  things  than  that, 
did  he  not?" 

"Oh,  yes,"  replied  Verdant;  "he  taught  me  to  grill 
a  devil." 

"Grill  a  devil!"  groaned  Miss  Virginia.  "Infatu- 
ated young  man ! " 

"And  to  make  shandy-gaff  and  sherry-cobbler,  and 
brew  bishop  and  egg-flip:  oh,  it 's  capital!  I  '11  teach 
you  how  to  make  it;  and  we  '11  have  some  to-night!  " 

And  thus  the  young  gentleman  astonished  his  family 
with  the  extent  of  his  learning,  and  proved  how  a 
youth  of  ordinary  natural  attainments  may  acquire 
other  knowledge  in  his  University  career  than  what 
simply  pertains  to  classical  literature. 

And  so  much  experience  had  our  hero  gained  during 
his  freshman's  term,  that  when  the  pleasures  of  the 
Long  Vacation  were  at  an  end,  and  he  had  returned  to 
Brazenface,  with  his  firm  and  fast  friend  Charles  Lar- 
kyns, he  felt  himself  entitled  to  assume  a  patronising 


1 82   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

air  to  the  freshmen  who  then  entered,  and  even  sought 
to  impose  upon  their  credulity  in  ways  which  his  own 
personal  experience  suggested. 

It  was  clear  that  Mr.  Verdant  Green  had  made  his 
farewell  bow  as  an  Oxford  Freshman. 


PART     II. 

THE  FURTHER  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT 
GREEN. 


CHAPTER    I. 

MR.  VERDANT  GREEN  RECOMMENCES  HIS  EXISTENCE  AS 
AN  OXFORD  UNDERGRADUATE. 

HE  intelligent  reader  — 
which  epithet  I  take  to 
be  a  synonym  for  every 
one  who  has  perused 
the  first  part  of  the  Ad- 
ventures of  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  —  will  remember 
the  statement,  that  the 
hero  of  the  narrative 
"  had  gained  so  much 
experience  during  his 
Freshman's  term,  that, 

when  the  pleasures  of  the  Long  Vacation  were  at  an 
end,  and  he  had  returned  to  Brazenface  with  his  firm 
and  fast  friend  Charles  Larkyns,  he  felt  himself  entitled 
to  assume  a  patronising  air  to  the  Freshmen  who  then 
entered,  and  even  sought  to  impose  upon  their  credulity 
in  ways  which  his  own  personal  experience  suggested." 
And  the  intelligent  reader  will  further  call  to  mind  the 
fact  that  the  first  part  of  these  memoirs  concluded  with 


1 84   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

the  words  —  "  it  was  clear  that  Mr.  Verdant  Green  had 
made  his  farewell  bow  as  an  Oxford  Freshman." 

But,  although  Mr.  Verdant  Green  had  of  necessity 
ceased  to  be  "  a  Freshman  "  as  soon  as  he  had  entered 
upon  his  second  term  of  residence,  —  the  name  being 
given  to  students  in  their  first  term  only,  —  yet  this  neces- 
sity, which,  as  we  all  know,  uon  kabet  leges,  will  occasion- 
ally prove  its  rule  by  an  exception ;  and  if  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  was  no  longer  a  Freshman  in  name,  he  still  con- 
tinued to  be  one  by  nature.  And  the  intelligent  reader 
will  perceive  when  he  comes  to  study  these  veracious 
memoirs,  that,  although  their  hero  will  no  longer  dis- 
play those  peculiarly  virulent  symptoms  of  freshness, 
which  drew  towards  him  so  much  friendly  sympathy 
during  the  earlier  part  of  his  University  career,  yet  that 
he  will  still,  by  his  innocent  simplicity  and  credulity, 
occasionally  evidence  the  truth  of  the  Horatian 
maxim,  — 

"  Quo  semel  est  imbuta  recens,  servabit  odorem 
Testa  diu  :  "  1 

which,  when  Smart-\y  translated,  means,  "  A  cask  will 
long  preserve  the  flavour,  with  which,  when  new,  it  was 
once  impregnated ;  "  and  which,  when  rendered  in  the 
Saxon  vulgate,  signifieth,  "  What  is  bred  in  the  bone 
will  come  out  in  the  flesh." 

It  would,  indeed,  take  more  than  a  Freshman's  term,  — 
a  two  months'  residence  in  Oxford,  —  to  remove  the 
simple  gaucheries  of  the  country  Squire's  hobbodehoy, 
and  convert  the  girlish  youth,  the  pupil  of  that  Nestor 
of  Spinsters,  Miss  Virginia  Verdant,  into  the  MAN  whose 
school  was  the  University,  whose  Alma  Mater  was 
Oxonia  herself.  We  do  not  cut  our  wise  teeth  in  a  day ; 
1  Horace,  Ep.  lib.  I.  ii.  69. 


AN  OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE.  185 

some  people,  indeed,  are  so  unfortunate  as  never  to  cut 
them  at  all ;  at  the  best,  two  months  is  but  a  brief  space 
in  which  to  get  through  this  sapient  teething-operation, 
a  short  time  in  which  to  graft  our  cutting  on  the  tree  of 
Wisdom,  more  especially  when  the  tender  plant  happens 
to  be  a  Verdant  Green.  The  golden  age  is  past  when 
the  full-formed  goddess  of  Wisdom  sprang  from  the 
brain  of  Jove  complete  in  all  her  parts.  If  our  Vulcans 
now-a-days  were  to  trepan  the  heads  of  our  Jupiters, 
they  would  find  nothing  in  them  !  In  these  degenerate 
times  it  will  take  more  than  one  splitting  headache  to 
produce  our  wisdom. 

So  it  was  with  our  hero.  The  splitting  headache,  for 
example,  which  had  wound  up  the  pleasures  of  Mr. 
Smalls'  "  quiet  party,"  had  taught  him  that  the  good 
things  of  this  life  were  not  given  to  be  abused,  and  that 
he  could  not  exceed  the  bounds  of  temperance  and 
moderation  without  being  made  to  pay  the  penalty  of 
the  trespass.  It  had  taught  him  that  kind  of  wisdom 
which  even  "  makes  fools  wise ;  "  for  it  had  taught  him 
Experience.  And  yet,  it  was  but  a  portion  of  that  les- 
son of  Experience  which  it  is  sometimes  so  hard  to 
learn,  but  which,  when  once  got  by  heart,  is  like  the 
catechism  of  our  early  days,  —  it  is  never  forgotten,  — 
it  directs  us,  it  warns  us,  it  advises  us ;  it  not  only 
adorns  the  tale  of  our  life,  but  it  points  the  moral  which 
may  bring  that  tale  to  a  happy  and  peaceful  end. 

Experience!  Experience!  What  will  it  not  do? 
It  is  a  staff  which  will  help  us  on  when  we  are  jostled 
by  the  designing  crowds  of  our  Vanity  Fair.  It  is  a 
telescope  that  will  reveal  to  us  the  dark  spots  on  what 
seemed  to  be  a  fair  face.  It  is  a  finger-post  to  show 
us  whither  the  crooked  paths  of  worldly  ways  will  lead 


1 86  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

us.  It  is  a  scar  that  tells  of  the  wound  which  the  sol- 
dier has  received  in  the  battle  of  life.  It  is  a  light-house 
that  warns  us  off  those  hidden  rocks  and  quicksands 
where  the  wrecks  of  long-past  joys  that  once  smiled  so 
fairly,  and  were  loved  so  dearly,  now  lie  buried  in  all 
their  ghastliness,  stripped  of  grace  and  beauty,  things 
to  shudder  at  and  dread.  Experience !  Why,  even 
Alma  Mater's  doctors  prescribe  it  to  be  taken  in  the 
largest  quantities  !  "  Experientia  —  dose  it!  "  they 
say :  and  very  largely  some  of  us  have  to  pay  for  the 
dose.  But  the  dose  does  us  good ;  and  (for  it  is  an 
allopathic  remedy),  the  greater  the  dose,  the  greater 
is  the  benefit  to  be  derived. 

The  two  months'  allopathic  dose  of  Experience, 
which  had  been  administered  to  Mr.  Verdant  Green, 
chiefly  through  the  agency  of  those  skilful  professors, 
Messrs.  Larkyns,  Fosbrooke,  Smalls,  and  Bouncer,  had 
been  so  far  beneficial  to  him,  that,  in  the  figurative 
Eastern  language  of  the  last-named  gentleman,  he  had 
not  only  been  "  sharpened  up  no  end  by  being  well 
rubbed  against  University  bricks,"  but  he  had,  more- 
over, "  become  so  considerably  wide-awake,  that  he 
would  very  soon  be  able  to  take  the  shine  out  of  the 
old  original  Weazel,  whom  the  pages  of  History  had 
recorded  as  never  having  been  discovered  in  a  state  of 
somnolence." 

Now,  as  Mr.  Bouncer  was  a  gentleman  of  consider- 
able experience,  and  was,  too,  (although  addicted  to 
expressions  not  to  be  found  in  "  the  Polite  Preceptor,") 
quite  free  from  the  vulgar  habit  of  personal  flattery,  — 
or,  as  he  thought  fit  to  express  it,  in  words  which  would 
have  taken  away  my  Lord  Chesterfield's  appetite,  "  but- 
tering a  party  to  his  face  in  the  cheekiest  manner,"  — 


AN   OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE.  187 

we  may  fairly  presume,  on  this  strong  evidence,  that 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  had  really  gained  a  considerable 
amount  of  experience  during  his  Freshman's  term, 
although  there  were  still  left  in  his  character  and  conduct 
many  marks  of  viridity  which  — 

"  Time's  effacing  fingers," 

assisted  by  Mr.  Bouncer's  instructions,  would  gradually 
remove.  However,  Mr.  Verdant  Green  had,  at  any 
rate,  ceased  to  be  "  a  Freshman "  in  name ;  and  had 
received  that  University  promotion,  which  Mr.  Charles 
Larkyns  commemorated  by  the  following  affiche>  which 
our  hero,  on  his  return  from  his  first  morning  chapel 
in  the  Michaelmas  term,  found  in  a  conspicuous  posi- 
tion on  his  oak. 

COMMISSION  SIGNED  BY  THE  VICE-CHANCELLOR  OF  THE 
UNIVERSITY  OF  OXFORD. 

MR.  VERDANT  GREEN  to  be  an  Oxford  Undergraduate,  vice 
Oxford  Freshman,  SOLD  out. 

It  is  generally  found  to  be  the  case,  that  the  youthful 
Undergraduate  first  seeks  to  prove  he  is  no  longer  a 
"  Freshman,"  by  endeavouring  to  impose  on  the  credulity 
of  those  young  gentlemen  who  come  up  as  Freshmen 
in  his  second  term.  And,  in  this,  there  is  an  analogy 
between  the  biped  and  the  quadruped;  for,  the  wild, 
gambolling,  schoolboy  elephant,  when  he  has  been 
brought  into  a  new  circle,  and  has  been  trained  to  new 
habits,  will  take  pleasure  in  ensnaring  and  deluding  his 
late  companions  in  play. 

The  "  sells  "  by  which  our  hero  had  been  "  sold  out " 
as  a  Freshman,  now  formed  a  stock  in  trade  for  the 
Undergraduate,  which  his  experience  enabled  him  to  dis- 
pose of  (with  considerable  interest)  to  the  most  credulous 


1 88   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

members  of  the  generations  of  Freshmen  who  came  up 
after  him.  Perhaps  no  Freshman  had  ever  gone  through 
a  more  severe  course  of  hoaxing  —  to  survive  it  —  than 
Mr.  Verdant  Green:  and  yet,  by  a  system  of  retaliation, 
only  paralleled  by  the  quadrupedal  case  of  the  before- 
mentioned  elephant,  and  the  biped-beadle  case  of  the 
illustrious  Mr.  Bumble,  who  after  having  his  own  ears 
boxed  by  the  late  Mrs.  Corney,  relieved  his  feelings 
by  boxing  the  ears  of  the  small  boy  who  opened  the 
gate  for  him,  —  our  hero  took  the  greatest  delight  in 
seeking  every  opportunity  to  play  off  upon  a  Freshman 
some  one  of  those  numerous  hoaxes  which  had  been  so 
successfully  practised  on  himself.  And  while,  in  refer- 
ring to  the  early  part  of  his  University  career,  he  omitted 
all  mention  of  such  anecdotes  as  displayed  his  own  per- 
sonal credulity  in  the  strongest  light,  —  which  anecdotes 
the  faithful  historian  has  thought  fit  to  record,  —  he, 
nevertheless,  dwelt  with  extreme  pleasure  on  the  remi- 
niscences of  a  few  isolated  facts,  in  which  he  himself 
appeared  in  the  character  of  the  hoaxer. 

These  facts,  when  neatly  garnished  with  a  little  fiction, 
made  very  palatable  dishes  for  University  entertainment, 
and' were  served  up  by  our  hero,  when  he  went  "down 
into  the  country,"  to  select  parties  of  relatives  and 
friends  (N.  B.  —  Females  preferred).  On  such  occa- 
sions, the  following  hoax  formed  Mr.  Verdant  Green's 
pihe  de  resistance. 


AN   OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE.  189 


CHAPTER  II. 

MR.    VERDANT  GREEN  DOES  AS   HE  HAS  BEEN  DONE  BY. 

ONE  morning,  Mr.  Verdant  Green  and  Mr.  Bouncer 
were  lounging  in  the  venerable  gateway  of  Bra- 
zenface.  The  former  gentleman,  being  of  an  amiable, 
tame-rabbit-keeping  disposition,  was  making  himself 
very  happy  by  whistling  popular  airs  to  the  Porter's 
pet  bullfinch,  who  was  laboriously  engaged  on  a  small 
tread-mill,  winding  up  his  private  supply  of  water.  Mr. 
Bouncer,  being  of  a  more  volatile  temperament,  was 
amusing  himself  by  asking  the  Porter's  opinion  on  the 
foreign  policy  of  Great  Britain,  and  by  making  very 
audible  remarks  on  the  passers-by.  His  attention 
was  at  length  riveted  by  the  appearance  on  the  other 
side  of  the  street,  of  a  modest-looking  young  gentle- 
man, who  appeared  to  be  so  ill  at  ease  in  his  frock-coat 
and  "  stick-up "  collars,  as  to  lead  to  the  strong  pre- 
sumption that  he  wore  those  articles  of  manly  dress  for 
the  first  time. 

"  I  '11  bet  you  a  bottle  of  blacking,  Gig-lamps,"  said 
little  Mr.  Bouncer,  as  he  directed  our  hero's  attention 
to  the  stranger,  "  that  this  respected  party  is  an  intend- 
ing Freshman.  Look  at  his  customary  suits  of  solemn 
black,  as  Othello,  or  Hamlet,  or  some  other  swell,  says 
in  Shakspeare.  And,  besides  his  black  go-to-meeting 
bags,  please  to  observe,"  continued  the  little  gentleman,  in 


IQO  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR  VERDANT  GREEN, 

the  tone  of  a  wax-work  showman ;  "  please  to  //observe 
the  pecooliarity  hof  the  hair-chain,  likewise  the  straps 
of  the  period.  Look!  he's  coming  this  way.  Gig-lamps, 
I  vote  we  take  a  rise  out  of  the  youth.  Hem !  Good 
morning!  Can  we  have  the  pleasure  of  assisting  you  in 
any  thing?" 

"Yes,  sir!  thank  you,  sir,"  replied  the  youthful 
stranger,  who  was  flushing  like  a  girl  up  to  the  very 
roots  of  his  curly,  auburn  hair ;  "  perhaps,  sir,  you  can 
direct  me  to  Brazenface  College,  sir?" 

"  Well,  sir !  it 's  not  at  all  improbable,  sir,  but  what  I 
could,  sir;"  replied  Mr.  Bouncer;  "but,  perhaps,  sir, 
you  '11  first  favour  me  with  your  name,  and  your  busi- 
ness there,  sir." 

"  Certainly,  sir !  "  rejoined  the  stranger ;  and,  while  he 
fumbled  at  his  card-case,  the  experienced  Mr.  Bouncer 
whispered  to  our  hero,  "  Told  you  he  was  a  sucking  Fresh- 
man, Gig-lamps  !  He  has  got  a  bran  new  card-case,  and 
says  '  sir '  at  the  sight  of  the  academicals."  The  card 
handed  to  Mr.  Bouncer  bore  the  name  of  "  MR.  JAMES 
PUCKER ; "  and,  in  smaller  characters  in  the  corner  of 
the  card,  were  the  words,  "  Brazenface  College,  Oxford" 

"  I  came,  sir,"  said  the  blushing  Mr.  Pucker,  "  to  enter 
for  my  matriculation  examination,  and  I  wished  to  see 
the  gentleman  who  will  have  to  examine  me,  sir." 

"The  doose  you  do!"  said  Mr.  Bouncer  sternly; 
"  then,  young  man,  allow  me  to  say,  that  you  've  regu- 
larly been  and  gone  and  done  it,  and  put  your  foot  in 
it  most  completely." 

"  How-ow-ow,  how,  sir?"  stammered  the  dupe. 

"How?"  replied  Mr.  Bouncer,  still  more  sternly; 
"  do  you  mean  to  brazen  out  your  offence  by  asking 
how?  What  could  have  induced  you,  sir,  to  have  had 


AN   OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE.  191 

printed  on  this  card  the  name  of  this  College,  when 
you've  not  a  prospect  of  belonging  to  it — it  may  be 
for  years,  it  may  be  for  never,  as  the  bard  says.  You  've 
committed  a  most  grievous  offence  against  the  Univer- 
sity statutes,  young  gentleman ;  and  so  this  gentleman 
here  —  Mr.  Pluckem,  the  junior  examiner  —  will  tell 
you  ! "  and  with  that,  little  Mr.  Bouncer  nudged  Mr. 
Verdant  Green,  who  took  his  cue  with  astonishing  apti- 
tude, and  glared  through  his  glasses  at  the  trembling 
Mr.  Pucker,  who  stood  blushing  and  bowing,  and  heart- 
ily repenting  that  his  school-boy  vanity  had  led  him 
to  invest  four-and-sixpence  in  "  100  cards,  and  plate, 
engraved  with  name  and  address." 

"  Put  the  cards  in  your  pocket,  sir,  and  don't  let  me 
see  them  again !  "  said  our  hero,  in  his  newly-confirmed 
title  of  the  junior  examiner ;  quite  rejoiced  at  the  oppor- 
tunity afforded  him  of  proving  to  his  friend  that  he  was 
no  longer  a  Freshman. 

"  He  forgives  you  for  the  sake  of  your  family,  young 
man  !  "  said  Mr.  Bouncer  with  pathos ;  "  you  've  come 
to  the  right  shop,  for  this  is  Brazenface ;  and  you  Ve 
come  just  at  the  right  time,  for  here  is  the  gentleman 
who  will  assist  Mr.  Pluckem  in  examining  you;"  and 
Mr.  Bouncer  pointed  to  Mr.  Four-in-hand  Fosbrooke,  who 
was  coming  up  the  street  on  his  way  from  the  Schools, 
where  he  was  making  a  very  laudable  (but  as  it  proved, 
futile)  endeavour  "  to  get  through  his  smalls,"  or,  in 
other  words,  to  pass  his  Little-go  examination.  The 
hoax  which  had  been  suggested  to  the  ingenious  mind 
of  Mr.  Bouncer,  was  based  upon  the  fact  of  Mr.  Fos- 
brooke's  being  properly  got-up  for  his  sacrifice  in  a 
white  tie,  and  a  pair  of  very  small  bands,  —  the  two 
articles,  which,  with  the  usual  academicals,  form  the 


192  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

costume  demanded  by  Alma  Mater  of  all  her  children 
when  they  take  their  places  in  her  Schools.  And,  as 
Mr.  Fosbrooke  was  far  too  politic  a  gentleman  to  irri- 
tate the  Examiners  by  appearing  in  a  "  loud  "  or  sport- 
ing costume,  he  had  carried  out  the  idea  of  clerical 
character  suggested  by  the  bands  and  choker,  by  a 
quiet,  gentlemanly  suit  of  black,  which,  he  had  fondly 
hoped,  would  have  softened  his  Examiners'  manners, 
and  not  permitted  them  to  be  brutal. 

Mr.  Four-in-hand  Fosbrooke,  therefore,  to  the  unso- 
phisticated eye  of  the  blushing  Mr.  Pucker,  presented  a 
very  fine  specimen  of  the  Examining  Tutor;  and  this 
impression  on  Mr.  Pucker's  mind  was  heightened  by  Mr. 
Fosbrooke,  after  a  few  minutes'  private  conversation 
with  the  other  two  gentlemen,  turning  to  him,  and  say- 
ing, "  It  will  be  extremely  inconvenient  to  me  to 
examine  you  now ;  but  as  you  probably  wish  to  return 
home  as  soon  as  possible,  I  will  endeavour  to  conclude 
the  business  at  once,  —  this  gentleman,  Mr.  Pluckem," 
pointing  to  our  hero,  "  having  kindly  promised  to  assist 
me.  Mr.  Bouncer,  will  you  have  the  goodness  to  fol- 
low with  the  young  gentleman  to  my  rooms?" 

Leaving  Mr.  Pucker  to  express  his  thanks  for  this 
great  kindness,  and  Mr.  Bouncer  to  plunge  him  into  the 
depths  of  trepidation  by  telling  him  terrible  stories  of 
the  Examiner's  fondness  for  rejecting  the  candidates  for 
examination,  Mr.  Fosbrooke  and  our  hero  ascended  to 
the  rooms  of  the  former,  where  they  hastily  cleared 
away  cigar-boxes  and  pipes,  turned  certain  French  pic- 
tures with  their  faces  to  the  wall,  and  covered  over  with 
an  outspread"  Times  "  a  regiment  of  porter  and  spirit  bot- 
tles which  had  just  been  smuggled  in,  and  were  drawn 
up  rank-and-file  on  the  sofa.  Having  made  this  prepa- 


AN    OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE. 


193 


ration,  and  furnished  the  table  with  pens,  ink,  and 
scribble-paper,  Mr.  Bouncer  and  the  victim  were 
admitted. 

"Take  a  seat,  sir,"  said  Mr.  Fosbrooke,  gravely;  and 
Mr.  Pucker  put  his  hat  on  the  ground,  and  sat  down  at 
the  table  in  a  state  of  blushing  nervousness.  "  Have 
you  been  at  a  public  school?  " 


"  Yes,  sir,"  stammered  the  victim ;  "  a  very  public 
one,  sir ;  it  was  a  boarding-school,  sir ;  forty  boarders, 
and  thirty  day-boys,  sir;  I  was  a  day-boy,  sir,  and  in 
the  first  class." 

"  First  class  of  an  uncommon  slow  train !  "  muttered 
Mr.  Bouncer. 

"  And  are  you  going  back  to  the  boarding-school?" 
asked  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  with  the  air  of  an  assistant 
judge. 

"  No,  sir,"  replied  Mr.  Pucker,  "  I  have  just  done 
'3 


194  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

with  it;  quite  done  with  school,  sir,  this  last  half;  and 
papa  is  going  to  put  me  to  read  with  a  clergyman  until 
it  is  time  for  me  to  come  to  college." 

"Refreshing  innocence!"  murmured  Mr.  Bouncer; 
while  Mr.  Fosbrooke  and  our  hero  conferred  together, 
and  hastily  wrote  on  two  sheets  of  the  scribble-paper. 

"  Now,  sir,"  said  Mr.  Fosbrooke  to  the  victim,  after  a 
paper  had  been  completed,  "  let  us  see  what  your  Latin 
writing  is  like.  Have  the  goodness  to  turn  what  I  have 
written  into  Latin ;  and  be  very  careful,  sir,"  added  Mr. 
Fosbrooke,  sternly,  "  be  very  careful  that  it  is  Cicero's 
Latin,  sir !  "  and  he  handed  Mr.  Pucker  a  sheet  of 
paper,  on  which  he  had  scribbled  the  following: 

"TO  BE  TRANSLATED  INTO  PROSE-Y  LATIN,  IN  THE  MANNER 

OF  CICERO'S  ORATIONS  AFTER  DINNER. 
"  If,  therefore,  any  on  your  bench,  my  luds,  or  in  this  assembly, 
should  entertain  an  opinion  that  the  proximate  parts  of  a 
mellifluous  mind  are  for  ever  conjoined  and  unconnected,  I 
submit  to  you,  my  luds,  that  it  will  of  necessity  follow,  that 
such  clandestine  conduct  being  a  mere  nothing,  —  or,  in  the 
noble  language  of  our  philosophers,  bosh,  —  every  individual 
act  of  overt  misunderstanding  will  bring  interminable  limits 
to  the  empiricism  of  thought,  and  will  rebound  in  the  very 
lowest  degree  to  the  credit  of  the  malefactor." 

"  To  BE  TURNED  INTO  LATIN  AFTER  THE  MANNER  OF  THE 
ANIMALS  OF  TACITUS. 

w  She  went  into  the  garden  to  cut  a  cabbage  to  make  an  apple- 
pie.  Just  then,  a  great  she-bear  coming  down  the  street, 
poked  its  nose  into  the  shop-window.  '  What !  no  soap  ? ' 
So  he  died,  and  she  (very  imprudently)  married  the  barber. 
And  there  were  present  at  the  wedding  the  Joblillies,  and 
the  Piccannies,  and  the  Gobelites,  and  the  great  Panjan- 
drum himself,  with  the  little  button  on  top.  So  they  all  set 
to  playing  Catch-who-catch-can,  till  the  gunpowder  ran  out 
at  the  heels  of  their  boots." 


AN   OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE.  195 

It  was  well  for  the  purposes  of  the  hoaxers  that  Mr. 
Pucker's  trepidation  prevented  him  from  making  a  calrk 
perusal  of  the  paper ;  and  he  was  nervously  doing  his 
best  to  turn  the  nonsensical  English  word  by  word  into 
equally  nonsensical  Latin,  when  his  limited  powers  of 
Latin  writing  were  brought  to  a  full  stop  by  the  untrans- 
latable word  "  Bosh."  As  he  could  make  nothing  of 
this,  he  wiped  the  perspiration  from  his  forehead,  and 
gazed  appealingly  at  the  benignant  features  of  Mr. 
Verdant  Green.  The  appealing  gaze  was  answered  by 
our  hero  ordering  Mr.  Pucker  to  hand  in  his  paper  for 
examination,  and  to  endeavour  to  answer  the  questions 
which  he  and  his  brother  examiner  had  been  writing 
down  for  him. 

Mr.  Pucker  took  the  two  papers  of  questions,  and 
read  as  follows : 

"HISTORY. 

"  i.     Draw  a  historical  parallel  (after  the  manner  of   Plutarch) 

between  Hannibal  and  Annie  Laurie. 
"  2.     What  internal  evidence  does  the  Odyssey  afford,  that  Homer 

sold  his  Trojan  war-ballads  at  three  yards  an  obolus  ? 
"  3.     Show  the  strong  presumption  there  is  that  Nox  was  the  god 

of  battles. 
"4.     State  reasons  for  presuming  that  the  practice  of  lithography 

may  be  traced  back  to  the  time  of  Perseus  and  the  Gorgon's 

head. 

"  5.     In  what  way  were  the  shades  on  the  banks  of  the  Styx  sup- 
plied with  spirits  ? 
"  6.     Show  the  probability  of  the  College  Hornpipe  having  been 

used  by  the  students  of  the  Academia ;  and  give  passages 

from  Thucydides  and  Tennyson  in  support  of  your  answer. 
"  7.     Give  a  brief  account  of  the  Roman  Emperors  who  visited  the 

United  States,  and  state  what  they  did  there. 
"8.     Show  from  the  redundancy  of  the  word  yas  in  Sophocles. 

that  gas  must  have  been  used  by  the  Athenians ;  also  state, 


196  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

if  the  expression  ol  pdpfiapoi  would  seem  to  signify  that  they 

were  close  shavers. 
"  9.     Show  from  the  words  '  Hoc  erat  in  votis,'  (Sat.  VI.,  Lib.  II.,) 

that  Horace's  favourite  wine  was  hock,  and  that  he  meant  to 

say  '  he  always  voted  for  hock.' 
"  10.    Draw  a  parallel  between  the  Children  in  the   Wood   and 

Achilles  in  the  Styx. 
"ii.   When  it  is  stated  that  Ariadne,  being  deserted  by  Theseus, 

fell  in  love  with  Bacchus,  is  it  the  poetical  way  of  asserting 

that  she  took  to  drinking  to  drown  her  grief  ? 
"  12.    Name  theprzma  donnas  who  have  appeared  in  the  operas  of 

Virgil  and  Horace  since  the  '  Virgilii  Opera'  and  '  Horatii 

Opera '  were  composed." 


"EUCLID,  ARITHMETIC,  and  ALGEBRA. 

"i.    '  The  extremities  of  a  line  are  points.'     Prove  this  by  the  rule 

of  railways. 
"  2.     Show  the  fallacy  of  denning  an  angle  as  '  a  worm  at  one  end 

and  a  fool  at  the  other.' 

"  3.     If  one  side  of  a  triangle  be  produced,  what  is  there  to  pre- 
vent the  other  two  sides  from  also  being  brought  forward  ? 
"  4.     Let  A  and  B  be  squares  having  their  respective  boundaries 

in  E  and  W  ends,  and  let  C  and  D  be  circles  moving  in 

them ;  the  circle  D  will  be  superior  to  the  circle  C. 
"5.     In  equal  circles,  equal  figures  from  various  squares  will  stand 

upon  the  same  footing. 
"  6.     If  two  parts  of  a  circle  fall  out,  the  one  part  will  cut  the 

other. 
"  7.     Describe   a  square   which  shall  be  larger    than    Belgrave 

Square. 
"  8.     If  the  gnomon  of  a  sun-dial  be  divided  into  two  equal,  and 

also  into  two  unequal  parts,  what  would  be  its  value  ? 
"  9.     Describe  a  perpendicular  triangle  having  the  squares  of  the 

semi-circle  equal  to  half  the  extremity  between  the  points  of 

section. 
"10.    If  an  Austrian  florin  is  worth  5.61  francs,  what  will  be  the 

value    of    Pennsylvanian   bonds  ?     Prove    by  rule-of-three 

inverse. 


AN  OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE.  197 

"ii.  If  seven  horses  eat  twenty-five  acres  of  grass  in  three  days, 
what  will  be  their  condition  on  the  fourth  day  ?  Prove  by 
practice. 

"12.  If  a  coach-wheel,  6j60  in  diameter  and  5^  in  circumference, 
makes  240^  revolutions  in  a  second,  how  many  men  will  it 
take  to  do  the  same  piece  of  work  in  ten  days  ? 

"  13.  Find  the  greatest  common  measure  of  a  quart  bottle  of 
Oxford  port. 

"  14.   Find  the  value  of  a  '  bob,'  a  '  tanner,'  a  '  joey,'  and  a  '  tizzy.' 

"  15.  Explain  the  common  denominators  '  brick,'  '  trump,'  '  spoon,' 
'  muff,'  and  state  what  was  the  greatest  common  denomina- 
tor in  the  last  term. 

"  1 6.    Reduce  two  academical  years  to  their  lowest  terms. 

"  1 7.  Reduce  a  Christ  Church  tuft  to  the  level  of  a  Teddy  Hall 
man. 

"  1 8.  If  a  freshman  A  have  any  mouth  x,  and  a  bottle  of  wine 
y,  show  how  many  applications  of  x  toy  will  place y+y 
before  A." 

Mr.  Pucker  did  not  know  what  to  make  of  such 
extraordinary  and  unexpected  questions.  He  blushed, 
attempted  to  write,  fingered  his  curls,  tried  to  collect 
his  faculties,  and  then  appeared  to  give  himself  over  to 
despair;  whereupon  little  Mr.  Bouncer  was  seized  with 
an  immoderate  fit  of  coughing  which  had  well  nigh 
brought  the  farce  to  its  denouement. 

"  I  'm  afraid,  young  gentleman,"  said  Mr.  Four-in- 
Hand  Fosbrooke,  as  he  carelessly  settled  his  white  tie 
and  bands,  "  I  am  afraid,  Mr.  Pucker,  that  your  learn- 
ing is  not  yet  up  to  the  Brazenface  standard.  We  are 
particularly  cautious  about  admitting  any  gentleman 
whose  acquirements  are  not  of  the  highest  order.  But 
we  will  be  as  lenient  to  you  as  we  are  able,  and  give  you 
one  more  chance  to  retrieve  yourself.  We  will  try  a 
little  vivd  voce,  Mr.  Pucker.  Perhaps,  sir,  you  will 
favour  me  with  your  opinions  on  the  Fourth  Punic  War, 


198   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

and  will  also  give  me  a  slight  sketch  of  the  constitution 
of  ancient  Heliopolis." 

Mr.  Pucker  waxed,  if  possible,  redder  and  hotter  than 
before,  he  gasped  like  a  fish  out  of  water;  and,  like 
Dryden's  prince,  "  unable  to  conceal  his  pain,"  he 

"  Sigh'd  and  look'd,  sigh'd  and  look'd, 
Sigh'd  and  look'd,  and  sigh'd  again." 

But  all  was  to  no  purpose :  he  was  unable  to  frame  an 
answer  to  Mr.  Fosbrooke's  questions. 

"  Ah,  sir,"  continued  his  tormentor,  "  I  see  that  you 
will  not  do  for  us  yet  awhile,  and  I  am  therefore  under 
the  painful  necessity  of  rejecting  you.  I  should  advise 
you,  sir,  to  read  hard  for  another  twelvemonths,  and 
endeavour  to  master  those  subjects  in  which  you  have 
now  failed.  For,  a  young  man,  Mr.  Pucker,  who  knows 
nothing  about  the  Fourth  Punic  War,  and  the  constitu- 
tion of  ancient  Heliopolis,  is  quite  unfit  to  be  enrolled 
among  the  members  of  such  a  learned  college  as 
Brazenface.  Mr.  Pluckem  quite  coincides  with  me  in 
this  decision."  (Here  Mr.  Verdant  Green  gave  a 
Burleigh  nod.)  "  We  feel  very  sorry  for  you,  Mr. 
Pucker,  and  also  for  your  unfortunate  family;  but  we 
recommend  you  to  add  to  your  present  stock  of  knowl- 
edge, and  to  keep  those  visiting-cards  for  another 
twelvemonth."  And  Mr.  Fosbrooke  and  our  hero  — 
disregarding  poor  Mr.  Pucker's  entreaties  that  they 
would  consider  his  pa  and  ma,  and  would  please  to 
matriculate  him  this  once,  and  he  would  read  very  hard, 
indeed  he  would  —  turned  to  Mr.  Bouncer  and  gave 
some  private  instructions,  which  caused  that  gentle- 
man immediately  to  vanish,  and  seek  out  Mr.  Robert 
Filcher. 


AN   OXFORD  UNDERGRADUATE. 


199 


Five  minutes  after,  that  excellent  Scout  met  the 
dejected  Mr.  Pucker  as  he  was  crossing  the  Quad  on 
his  way  from  Mr.  Fosbrooke's  rooms. 

"  Beg  your  pardon,  sir,"  said   Mr.  Filcher,  touching 
his  forehead;   for,  as  Mr.  Filcher,  after  the  manner  of 
•his  tribe,  never  was  seen  in  a  head-covering,  he  was 
unable   to  raise  his 
hat  or   cap;    "beg          |Jr(7    t  fjlf 
your     pardon,    sir! 
but  was  you  a  look- 
in'  for  the  party  as 
examines  the  young 
gents  for  their  ma- 
trickylation?  " 

"Eh?  — no!  I 
have  just  come  from 
him,"  replied  Mr. 
Pucker,  dolefully. 

"  Beg   your    par- 
don, sir,"  remarked 
Mr.Filcher, "  but  his 
rooms  ain't  that  way 
at    all.      Mr.   Slow- 
coach, as  is  the  party  you  ought  to  have  seed,  has  his 
rooms  quite  in  a  hopposite  direction,  sir;  and  he  's  the 
honly  party  as  examines  the  matrickylatin'  gents." 

"  But  I  have  been  examined,"  observed  Mr.  Pucker, 
with  the  air  of  a  plucked  man;  "  and  I  am  sorry  to  say 
that  I  was  rejected,  and  — 

"I  dessay,  sir,"  interrupted  Mr.  Filcher;  "but  I 
think  it's  a  'oax,  sir!  " 

"  A  what?  "  stammered  Mr.  Pucker. 

"  A  'oax  —  a  sell ;  "  replied  the  Scout,  confidentially. 


2OO  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

"  You  see,  sir,  I  think  some  of  the  gents  have  been 
makin'  a  little  game  of  you,  sir;  they  often  does  with 
fresh  parties  like  you,  sir,  that  seem  fresh  and  hinno- 
cent  like ;  and  I  dessay  they  've  been  makin'  believe  to 
examine  you,  sir,  and  apretendin'  that  you  was  n't  clever 
enough.  But  they  don't  mean  no  harm,  sir ;  it 's  only 
their  play,  bless  you  !  " 

"  Then,"  said  Mr.  Pucker,  whose  countenance  had 
been  gradually  clearing  with  every  word  the  Scout 
spoke ;  "  then  I  'm  not  really  rejected,  but  have  still  a 
chance  of  passing  my  examination?  " 

"  Percisely  so,  sir,"  replied  Mr.  Filcher ;  "  and  —  hex- 
cuse  me,  sir,  for  a  hintin'  of  it  to  you, —  but,  if  you 
would  let  me  adwise  you,  sir,  you  would  n't  go  for  to 
mention  anythin'  about  the  'oax  to  Mr.  Slowcoach ;  he 
would  n't  be  pleased,  sir,  and  you  'd  only  get  laughed  at. 
If  you  like  to  go  to  him  now,  sir,  I  know  he  's  in  his 
rooms,  and  I  '11  show  you  the  way  there  with  the  great- 
est of  pleasure." 

Mr.  Pucker,  immensely  relieved  in  mind,  gladly  put 
himself  under  the  Scout's  guidance,  and  was  admitted 
into  the  presence  of  Mr.  Slowcoach.  In  twenty  min- 
utes after  this  he  issued  from  the  examining  tutor's 
rooms  with  a  joyful  countenance,  and  again  encountered 
Mr.  Robert  Filcher. 

"  Hope  you  've  done  the  job  this  time,  sir,"  said  the 
Scout. 

"  Yes,"  replied  the  radiant  Mr.  Pucker ;  "  and  at  two 
o'clock  I  am  to  see  the  Vice-Chancellor;  and  I  shall 
be  able  to  come  to  college  this  time  next  year." 

"  Werry  glad  of  it,  indeed,  sir !  "  observed  Mr. 
Filcher,  with  genuine  emotion,  and  an  eye  to  future 
perquisites ;  "  and  I  suppose,  sir,  you  did  n't  say  a 
word  about  the  'oax?" 


AN  OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE.  2OI 

"  Not  a  word  !  "  replied  Mr.  Pucker. 

"  Then,  sir,"  said  Mr.  Filcher,  with  enthusiasm,  "  hex- 
cuse  me,  but  you  're  a  trump,  sir  !  And  Mr.  Fosbrooke's 
compliments  to  you,  sir,  and  he'll  be  'appy  if  you'll 
come  up  into  his  rooms,  and  take  a  glass  of  wine  after 
the  fatigues  of  the  examination.  And,  —  hexcuse  me 
again,  sir,  for  a  hintin'  of  it  to  you,  but  of  course  you 
can't  be  aweer  of  the  customs  of  the  place,  unless  some- 
body tells  you  on  'em, —  I  shall  be  werry  glad  to  drink 
your  werry  good  health,  sir." 

Need  it  be  stated  that  the  blushing  Mr.  Pucker,  deli- 
rious with  joy  at  the  sudden  change  in  the  state  of 
affairs,  and  the  delightful  prospect  of  being  a  member 
of  the  University,  not  only  tipped  Mr.  Filcher  a  five- 
shilling  piece,  but  also  paid  a  second  visit  to  Mr. 
Fosbrooke's  rooms,  where  he  found  that  gentleman 
in  his  usual  costume,  and  by  him  was  introduced  to  the 
Mr.  Pluckem,  who  now  bore  the  name  of  Mr.  Verdant 
Green?  Need  it  be  stated  that  the  nervous  Mr.  Pucker 
blushed  and  laughed,  and  laughed  and  blushed,  while 
his  two  pseudo-examiners  took  wine  with  him  in  the 
most  friendly  manner;  Mr.  Bouncer  pronouncing  him 
to  be  "  an  out-and-outer,  and  no  mistake !  "  And 
need  it  be  stated  that,  after  this  undergraduate  dis- 
play of  hoaxing,  Mr.  Verdant  Green  would  feel  exceed- 
ingly offended  were  he  still  to  be  called  "  an  Oxford 
Freshman  "  ? 


CHAPTER   III. 


MR.  VERDANT  GREEN  ENDEAVOURS  TO  KEEP  HIS  SPIRITS 
UP  BY   POURING   SPIRITS   DOWN. 

IT  was  the  evening  of  the  fifth  of  November ;  the  day 
which  the  Protestant  youth  of  England  dedicate  to 
the  memory  of  that  martyr  of  gunpowder,  the  firework 
Faux,  and  which  the  youth  of  Oxford,  by  a  three 
months'  anticipation  of  the  calendar,  devote  to  the  cele- 
bration of  those  scholastic  sports  for  which  the  day  of 
St.  Scholastica  the  Virgin  was  once  so  famous.1 

1  Town  and  Gown  disturbances  are  of  considerable  antiquity. 
Fuller  and  Matthew  Paris  give  accounts  of  some  which  occurred 
as  early  as  the  year  1238.  These  disputes  not  unfrequently  ter- 
minated fatally  to  some  of  the  combatants.  One  of  the  most 
serious  Town  and  Gown  rows  on  record  took  place  on  the  day  of 
St.  Scholastica  the  Virgin,  February  loth,  1345,  when  several 
lives  were  lost  on  either  side.  The  University  was  at  that  time 
in  the  Lincoln  diocese ;  and  Grostete,  the  Bishop,  placed  the 


AN   OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE.  203 

Rumour  with  its  hundred  tongues  had  spread  far  and 
wide  the  news,  that  a  more  than  ordinary  demonstration 
would  be  made  of  the  might  of  Town,  and  that  this  dem- 
onstration would  be  met  by  a  corresponding  increase  of 
prowess  on  the  side  of  Gown.  It  was  darkly  whis- 
pered that  the  purlieus  of  Jericho  would  send  forth 
champions  to  the  fight.  It  was  mentioned  that  the 
Parish  of  St.  Thomas  would  be  powerfully  represented 
by  its  Bargee  lodgers.  It  was  confidently  reported  that 
St.  Aldate's 1  would  come  forth  in  all  its  olden  strength. 
It  was  told  as  a  fact  that  St.  Clement's  had  departed 
from  the  spirit  of  clemency,  and  was  up  in  arms.  From 
an  early  hour  of  the  evening,  the  Townsmen  had  gath- 
ered in  threatening  groups ;  and  their  determined  aspect, 
and  words  of  chaff,  had  told  of  the  coming  storm.  It 
was  to  be  a  tremendous  Town  and  Gown ! 

townspeople  under  an  interdict,  from  which  they  were  not  released 
till  1357,  and  then  only  on  condition  that  the  mayor  and  sixty  of 
the  chief  burgesses  should,  on  every  anniversary  of  the  day  of  St 
Scholastica,  attend  St.  Mary's  Church  and  offer  up  mass  for  the  souls 
of  the  slain  scholars ;  and  should  also  individually  present  an  offer- 
ing of  one  penny  at  the  high  altar.  They,  moreover,  paid  a  yearly 
fine  of  100  marks  to  the  University,  with  the  penalty  of  an  additional 
fine  of  the  same  sum  for  every  omission  in  attending  at  St.  Mary's. 
This  continued  up  to  the  time  of  the  Reformation,  when  it  gradu- 
ally fell  into  abeyance.  In  the  fifteenth  year  of  Elizabeth,  however, 
the  University  asserted  their  claim  to  all  arrears.  The  mat- 
ter being  brought  to  trial,  it  was  decided  that  the  town  should 
continue  the  annual  fine  and  penance,  though  the  arrears  were 
forgiven.  The  fine  was  yearly  paid  on  the  loth  of  February  up  to 
our  own  time :  the  mayor  and  chief  burgesses  attended  at  St.  Mary's, 
and  made  the  offering  at  the  conclusion  of  the  litany,  which,  on 
that  occasion,  was  read  from  the  altar.  This  was  at  length  put  an 
end  to  by  Convocation  in  the  year  1825. 

1  Corrupted  by  Oxford  pronunciation  (which  makes  Magdalen 
Maudlin)  into  St.  Old's. 


2O4    THE   ADVENTURES    OF   MR.    VERDANT   GREEN. 

The  Poet  has  forcibly  observed  — 

"  Strange  that  there  should  such  diff' rence  be, 
'  Twixt  Tweedledum  and  Tweedledee !  " 

But  the  difference  between  Town  and  Gown,  is  not  to 
be  classed  with  the  Tweedledum  and  Tweedledee  differ- 
ence. It  is  something  more  than  a  mere  difference  of 
two  letters.  The  lettered  Gown  lorded  it  over  the 
unlettered  Town :  the  plebeian  Town  was  perpetually 
snubbed  by  the  aristocratic  Gown.  If  Gown  even  wished 
to  associate  with  Town,  he  could  only  do  so  under  cer- 
tain restrictions  imposed  by  the  statutes ;  and  Town  was 
thus  made  to  feel  exceedingly  honoured  by  the  gracious 
condescension  of  Gown.  But  Town,  moreover,  main- 
tained its  existence,  that  it  might  contribute  to  the 
pleasure  and  amusements,  the  needs  and  necessities,  of 
Gown.  And  very  expensively  was  Town  occasionally 
made  to  pay  for  its  existence ;  so  expensively  indeed, 
that  if  it  had  not  been  for  the  great  interest  which  Town 
assumed  on  Gown's  account,  the  former's  business-life 
would  have  soon  failed.  But,  on  many  accounts,  or 
rather,  in  many  accounts,  Gown  was  deeply  indebted 
to  Town;  and,  although  Gown  was  often  loth  to  own 
the  obligation,  yet  Town  never  forgot  it,  but  always 
placed  it  to  Gown's  credit.  Occasionally,  in  his  early 
freshness,  Gown  would  seek  to  compensate  Town  for 
his  obliging  favours;  but  Town  would  gently  run 
counter  to  this  wish,  and  preferred  that  the  evidences 
of  Gown's  friendly  intercourse  with  him  should  accumu- 
late, until  he  could,  with  renewed  interest  (as  we  under- 
stand from  the  authority  of  an  aged  pun),  obtain  his 
payments  by  Degrees. 

When  Gown  was  absent,  Town  was  miserable :   it  was 
dull;   it  did  nothing;   it  lost  its  customer-y  application 


AN   OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE.  205 

to  business.  When  Gown  returned,  there  was  no  small 
change, —  the  benefit  was  a  sovereign  one  to  Town. 
Notes,  too,  passed  between  them;  of  which  those 
received  by  Town  were  occasionally  of  intrinsic  value. 
Town  thanked  Gown  for  these,  —  even  thanked  him 
when  his  civility  had  only  been  met  by  checks,  —  and 
smirked,  and  fawned,  and  flattered;  and  Gown  patron- 
ised Town,  and  was  offensively  condescending.  What 
a  relief  then  must  it  have  been  to  the  pent-up  feelings 
of  Town,  when  the  Saturnalia  of  a  Guy-Faux  day  brought 
its  usual  license,  and  Town  could  stand  up  against  Gown 
and  try  a  game  of  fisti-cuffs  !  And  if,  when  there  was 
a  cry  "  To  arms !  "  we  could  always  settle  the  dispute 
in  an  English  fashion  with  those  arms  with  which  we 
have  been  supplied  by  nature,  there  would  then,  per- 
haps, be  fewer  weeping  widows  and  desolate  orphans 
in  the  world  than  there  are  just  at  present. 

On  the  evening  of  the  fifth  of  November,  then,  Mr. 
Bouncer's  rooms  were  occupied  by  a  wine-party ;  and, 
among  the  gentlemen  assembled,  we  noticed  (as  news- 
paper reporters  say)  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  Mr.  Charles 
Larkyns,  Mr.  Fosbrooke,  Mr.  Smalls,  and  Mr.  Blades. 
The  table  was  liberally  supplied  with  wine;  and  a 
"desert  at  eighteen-pence  per  head,"  —  as  Mr.  Bouncer 
would  afterwards  be  informed  through  the  medium  of 
his  confectioner's  bill;  —  and,  while  an  animated  con- 
versation was  being  held  on  the  expected  Town  and 
Gown,  the  party  were  fortifying  themselves  for  the 
tmeute  by  a  rapid  consumption  of  the  liquids  before 
them.  Our  hero,  and  some  of  the  younger  ones  of  the 
party,  who  had  not  yet  left  off  their  juvenile  likings, 
were  hard  at  work  at  the  dessert  in  that  delightful, 
disregardless-of-dyspepsia  manner,  in  which  boys  so 


206  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

love  to  indulge,  even  when  they  have  passed  into 
University  men.  As  usual,  the  bouquet  of  the  wine  was 
somewhat  interfered  with  by  those  narcotic  odours, 
which,  to  a  smoker,  are  as  the  gales  of  Araby  the 
Blest. 

Mr.  Blades  was  conspicuous  among  the  party,  not 
only  from  his  dimensions,  —  or,  as  he  phrased  it,  from 
"his  breadth  of  beam,"  —  but  also  from  his  free-and- 
easy  costume.  "To  get  himself  into  wind,"  as  he 
alleged,  Mr.  Blades  had  just  been  knocking  the  wind 
out  of  the  Honourable  Flexible  Shanks  (youngest  son 
of  the  Earl  of  Buttonhole),  a  Tuft  from  Christ  Church, 
who  had  left  his  luxurious  rooms  in  the  Canterbury 
Quad  chiefly  for  the  purpose  of  preparing  himself  for 
the  forthcoming  Town  and  Gown,  by  putting  on  the 
gloves  with  his  boating  friend.  The  bout  having  ter- 
minated by  Mr.  Flexible  Shanks  having  been  sent 
backwards  into  a  tray  of  wine-glasses  with  which  Mr. 
Filcher  was  just  entering  the  room,  the  gloves  were 
put  aside,  and  the  combatants  had  an  amicable  set-to 
at  a  bottle  of  Carbonell's  "Forty-four,"  which  Mr. 
Bouncer  brought  out  of  a  wine-closet  in  his  bed-room 
for  their  especial  delectation.  Mr.  Blades,  who  was  of 
opinion  that,  in  dress,  ease  should  always  be  consulted 
before  elegance,  had  not  resumed  that  part  of  his 
attire  of  which  he  had  divested  himself  for  fistianic 
purposes;  and,  with  a  greater  display  of  linen  than  is 
usually  to  be  seen  in  society,  was  seated  comfortably 
in  a  lounging-chair,  smoking  the  pipe  of  peace.  Since 
he  had  achieved  the  proud  feat  of  placing  the  Brazen- 
face  boat  at  the  head  of  the  river,  Mr.  Blades  had 
gained  increased  renown,  more  especially  in  his  own 
college,  where  he  was  regarded  in  the  light  of  a  tute- 


AN   OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE.  2O/ 

lary  river  deity;  and,  as  training  was  not  going  on,  he 
was  now  enabled  to  indulge  in  a  second  glass  of  wine, 
and  also  in  the  luxury  of  a  cigar.  Mr.  Blades' s  shirt- 
sleeves were  turned  up  so  as  to  display  the  anatomical 
proportion  of  his  arms;  and  little  Mr.  Bouncer,  with 
the  grave  aspect  of  a  doctor  feeling  a  pulse,  was 
engaged  in  fingering  his  deltoid  and  biceps  muscles, 
and  in  uttering  panegyrics  on  his  friend's  torso-of- 
Hercules  condition. 

"My  gum,  Billy!  "  (it  must  be  observed,  en  passant, 
that,  although  the  name  given  to  Mr.  Blades  at  an  early 
age  was  Frank,  yet  that  when  he  was  not  called  "old 
Blades,"  he  was  always  addressed  as  "Billy,"  —  it 
being  a  custom  which  has  obtained  in  universities, 
that  wrong  names  should  be  familiarly  given  to  certain 
gentlemen,  more  as  a  mark  of  friendly  intimacy  than 
of  derision  or  caprice).  "My  gum,  Billy!"  observed 
Mr.  Bouncer,  "you're  as  hard  as  nails!  What  an 
extensive  assortment  of  muscles  you  've  got  on  hand, 

—  to  say  nothing  about  the  arms.    I  wish  I  'd  got  such 
a  good  stock  in  trade  for  our  customers  to-night ;  I'd 
soon  sarve  'em  out,  and  make  'em  sing  peccavi. " 

"The  fact  is,"  said  Mr.  Flexible  Shanks,  who  was 
leaning  smoking  against  the  mantelpiece  behind  him, 
"Billy  is  like  a  respectable  family  of  bivalves  —  he  is 
nothing  but  mussels." 

"Or  like  an  old  Turk,"  joined  in  Mr.  Bouncer,  "for 
he  's  a  regular  Mussulman." 

"  Oh !  Shanks !  Bouncer !  "  cried  Charles  Larkyns, 
"  what  stale  jokes !  Do  open  the  window,  somebody, 

—  it's  really  offensive." 

"Ah!"  said  Mr.  Blades,  modestly,  "you  only  just 
wait  till  Footelights  brings  the  Pet,  and  then  you  '11 
see  real  muscles." 


208  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

"It  was  rather  a  good  move,"  said  Mr.  Cheke,  a 
gentleman  Commoner  of  Corpus,  who  was  lounging 
in  an  easy  chair,  smoking  a  meerschaum  through  an 
elastic  tube  a  yard  long,  —  "  it  was  rather  a  good  move 
of  yours,  Fossy,"  he  said,  addressing  himself  to  Mr. 
Four-in-hand  Fosbrooke,  "to  secure  the  Pet's  services. 
The  feller  will  do  us  some  service,  and  will  astonish 
the  oi  polloi  no  end. " 

"Oh!  how  prime  it  will  be,"  cried  little  Mr.  Boun- 
cer, in  ecstasies  with  the  prospect  before  him,  "to  see 
the  Pet  pitching  into  the  cads,  and  walking  into  their 
small  affections  with  his  one,  two,  three !  And  don't 
I  just  pity  them  when  he  gets  them  into  Chancery! 
Were  you  ever  in  Chancery,  Gig-lamps  ? " 

"  No,  indeed ! "  replied  the  innocent  Mr.  Verdant 
Green ;  "  and  I  hope  that  I  shall  always  keep  out  of  it : 
lawsuits  are  so  very  disagreeable  and  expensive. " 

Mr.  Bouncer  had  only  time  to  remark  sotto  voce  to 
Mr.  Flexible  Shanks,  "  it  is  so  jolly  refreshing  to  take 
a  rise  out  of  old  Gig-lamps ! "  when  a  knock  at  the  oak 
was  heard;  and,  as  Mr.  Bouncer  roared  out,  "Come 
in ! "  the  knocker  entered.  He  was  rather  dressy  in 
his  style  of  costume,  and  wore  his  long  dark  hair 
parted  in  the  middle.  Opening  the  door,  and  striking 
into  an  attitude,  he  exclaimed  in  a  theatrical  tone  and 
manner:  "Scene,  Mr.  Bouncer's  rooms  in  Brazenface; 
in  the  centre  a  table,  at  which  Mr.  B.  and  party  are 
discovered  drinking  log-juice,  and  smoking  cabbage- 
leaves.  Door,  left,  third  entrance ;  enter  the  Putney 
Pet.  Slow  music;  lights  half-down."  And  standing 
on  one  side,  the  speaker  motioned  to  a  second  gentle- 
man to  enter  the  room. 

There  was  no  mistaking  the  profession  of  this  gen- 


AN   OXFORD  UNDERGRADUATE. 


2O9 


tleman;  even  the  inexperience  of  Mr.  Verdant  Green 
did  not  require  to  be  informed  that  the  Putney  Pet  was 
a  prizefighter.  "Bruiser  "was  plainly  written  in  his 
personal  appearance,  from  his  hard-featured,  low- 
browed, battered,  hang-dog  face,  to  his  thickset  frame, 
and  the  powerful  muscular  development  of  the  upper 


part  of  his  person.  His  close-cropped  thatch  of  hair 
was  brushed  down  tightly  to  his  head,  but  was  per- 
mitted to  burst  into  the  luxuriance  of  two  small 
ringlets,  which  dangled  in  front  of  each  huge  ear,  and 
were  as  carefully  curled  and  oiled  as  though  they  had 
graced  the  face  of  beauty.  The  Pet  was  attired  in  a 
dark  olive-green  cutaway  coat,  buttoned  over  a  waist- 
coat of  a  violent-coloured  plaid,  —  a  pair  of  white  cord 


210  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

trousers  that  fitted  tightly  to  the  leg,  — and  a  white- 
spotted  blue  handkerchief,  which  was  twisted  round  a 
neck  that  might  have  served  as  a  model  for  the  Mino- 
taur's. In  his  mouth,  the  Pet  cherished,  according  to 
his  wont,  a  sprig  of  parsley;  small  fragments  of  which 
herb  he  was  accustomed  to  chew  and  spit  out,  as  a 
pleasing  relief  to  the  monotony  of  conversation. 

The  Pet,  after  having  been  proclaimed  victor  in 
more  than  one  of  those  playfully  frolicsome  "  Frolics 
of  the  Fancy,"  in  which  nobly  born  but  ignobly- 
minded  "Corinthians"  formerly  invested  so  much 
interest  and  money,  had  at  length  matched  his  powers 
against  the  gentleman  who  bore  the  title  of  "the 
champion  of  the  ring;  "  but,  after  a  protracted  contest 
of  two  hours  and  a  half,  in  which  one  hundred  and 
nineteen  rounds  had  been  fought,  the  Pet's  eyes  had 
been  completely  closed  up  by  an  amusing  series  of 
blows  from  the  heavy  fists  of  the  more  skilful  champion ; 
and  as  the  Pet,  moreover,  was  so  battered  and  bruised, 
and  was  altogether  so  "groggy  "  that  he  was  barely  able 
to  stand  up  to  be  knocked  down,  his  humane  second 
had  thrown  up  the  sponge  in  acknowledgement  of  his 
defeat.  But  though  unable  to  deprive  the  champion 
of  his  belt,  yet  —  as  "Tintinnabulum's  Life"  informed 
its  readers  on  the  following  Sunday,  in  its  report  of 
this  "matchless  encounter,"  —  the  Putney  Pet  had 
"established  a  reputation;"  and  a  reputation  is  a 
reputation,  even  though  it  be  one  which  may  be  offen- 
sive to  the  nostrils.  Retiring,  therefore,  from  the 
more  active  public  duties  of  his  profession,  he  took 
unto  himself  a  wife  and  a  beershop,  — for  it  seems  to 
be  a  freak  of  "the  Fancy,"  when  they  retire  from  one 
public  line  to  go  into  another,  —  and  placing  the 


AN   OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE.  211 

former  in  charge  of  the  latter,  the  Pet  came  forth  to 
the  world  as  a  "  Professor  of  the  noble  art  of  Self- 
defence.  " 

It  was  in  this  phase  of  his  existence,  that  Mr.  Fos- 
brooke  had  the  pleasure  of  forming  his  acquaintance. 
Mr.  Fosbrooke  had  received  a  card,  which  intimated 
that  the  Pet  would  have  great  pleasure  in  giving  him 
"lessons  in  the  noble  and  manly  art  of  Self-defence, 
either  at  the  gentleman's  own  residence,  or  at  the  Pet's 
spacious  Sparring  Academy,  5,  Cribb  Court,  Drury  Lane, 
which  is  fitted  up  with  every  regard  to  the*  comfort  and 
convenience  of  his  pupils.  Gloves  are  provided.  N.  B. 
—  Ratting  sports  at  the  above  crib  every  evening.  Plenty 
of  rats  always  on  hand.  Use  of  the  Pit  gratis."  Mr. 
Fosbrooke,  having  come  to  the  wise  conclusion  that 
every  Englishman  ought  to  know  how  to  be  able  to  use 
his  fists  in  case  of  need,  and  being  quite  of  the  opinion 
of  the  gentleman  who  said  : — "  my  son  should  even  learn 
to  box,  for  do  we  not  meet  with  imposing  toll-keepers, 
and  insolent  cabmen?  and,  as  he  can't  call  them  out, 
he  should  be  able  to  knock  them  down,"1  at  once  put 
himself  under  the  Pet's  tuition ;  and,  as  we  have  before 
seen,  still  kept  up  his  practice  with  the  gloves,  when 
he  had  got  to  his  own  rooms  at  Brazenface. 

But  the  Pet  had  other  Oxford  pupils  than  Mr.  Fos- 
brooke; and  he  took  such  an  affectionate  interest  in 
their  welfare,  that  he  came  down  from  Town  two  or 
three  times  in  each  term,  to  see  if  his  pupils'  practice 
had  made  them  perfect  in  the  art.  One  of  the  Pet's 
pupils  was  the  gentleman  who  had  now  introduced 
him  to  Mr.  Bouncer's  rooms.  His  name  was  Foote, 
but  he  was  commonly  called  "  Footelights;  "  the  addi- 
1  "  A  Bachelor  of  Arts,"  Act  I. 


212  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

tion  having  been  made  to  his  name  by  way  of  sobriquet 
to  express  his  unusual  fondness  for  the  stage,  which 
amounted  to  so  great  a  passion,  that  his  very  conver- 
sation was  redolent  of  "the  footlights."  He  had  only 
been  at  St.  John's  a  couple  of  terms,  and  Mr.  Fos- 
brooke  had  picked  up  his  acquaintance  through  the 
medium  of  the  Pet,  and  had  afterwards  made  him 
known  to  most  of  the  men  who  were  now  assembled  at 
Mr.  Bouncer's  wine. 

"  Your  servant,  gents ! "  said  the  Pet,  touching  his 
forehead,  and  making  a  scrape  with  his  leg,  by  way  of 
salutation. 

"Hullo,  Pet!"  returned  Mr.  Bouncer;  "bring  your- 
self to  an  anchor,  my  man."  The  Pet  accordingly 
anchored  himself  by  dropping  on  to  the  edge  of  a 
chair,  and  placing  his  hat  underneath  it ;  while  Huz 
and  Buz  smelt  suspiciously  round  his  legs,  and  looked 
at  him  with  an  expression  of  countenance  which  bore 
a  wonderful  resemblance  to  that  which  they  gazed 
upon. 

"Never  mind  the  dogs;  they're  amiable  little  beg- 
gars," observed  Mr.  Bouncer,  "and  they  never  bite  any 
one  except  in  play.  Now  then,  Pet,  what  sort  of  liquors 
are  you  given  to?  Here  are  Claret  liquors,  Port 
liquors,  Sherry  liquors,  egg-flip  liquors,  Cup  liquors. 
You  pays  your  money,  and  you  takes  your  choice!" 

"Well,  sir,  thankee!"  replied  the  Pet,  "I  ain't  no 
ways  pertikler,  but  if  you  have  sich  a  thing  as  a  glass 
o'  sperrits,  I  'd  prefer  that  —  if  not  objectionable." 

"  In  course  not,  Pet !  always  call  for  what  you  like. 
We  keep  all  sorts  of  liquors,  and  are  allowed  to  get 
drunk  on  the  premises.  Ain't  we,  Gig-lamps?  "  Fir- 
ing this  raking  shot  as  he  passed  our  hero,  little  Mr. 


AN   OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE.  213 

Bouncer  dived  into  the  cupboard  which  served  as  his 
wine-bin,  and  brought  therefrom  two  bottles  of  brandy 
and  whiskey  which  he  set  before  the  Pet.  "  If  you 
like  gin  or  rum,  or  cherry-brandy,  or  old -torn,  better 
than  these  liquors,"  said  Mr.  Bouncer,  astonishing  the 
Pet  with  the  resources  of  a  College  wine-cellar,  "just 
say  the  word,  and  you  shall  have  them.  'I  can  call 
spirits  from  the  vasty  deep ; '  as  Shikspur  says.  How 
will  you  take  it,  Pet?  Neat,  or  adulterated?  Are 
you  for  callidum  cum,  or  frigidum  sine  —  for  hot -with, 
or  cold-without  ?  " 

"  I  generally  takes  my  sperrits  'ot,  sir  —  if  not  objec- 
tionable;" replied  the  Pet  deferentially.  Whereupon 
Mr.  Bouncer,  seizing  his  speaking-trumpet,  roared 
through  it  from  the  top  of  the  stairs,  "  Rob-ert !  Rob- 
ert !"  But,  as  Mr.  Filcher  did  not  answer  the  sum- 
mons, Mr.  Bouncer  threw  up  the  window  of  his  room, 
and  bellowed  out  "  Rob-ert "  in  tones  which  must  have 
been  perfectly  audible  in  the  High  Street.  "Doose 
take  the  feller,  he  's  always  over  at  the  Buttery;  "  said 
the  incensed  gentleman. 

"I  '11  go  up  to  old  Sloe's  room,  and  get  his  kettle," 
said  Mr.  Smalls;  "he  teas  all  day  long  to  keep  him- 
self awake  for  reading.  If  he  don't  mind,  he  '11  blow 
himself  up  with  his  gunpowder  tea  before  he  can  take 
his  double-first." 

By  the  time  Mr.  Smalls  had  re-appeared  with  the 
kettle,  Mr.  Filcher  had  thought  it  prudent  to  answer 
his  master's  summons. 

"Did  you  call,  sir?"  asked  the  scout,  as  though  he 
was  doubtful  on  that  point. 

"  Call !  "  said  Mr.  Bouncer,  with  great  irony ;  "  oh, 
no!  of  course  not!  I  should  rather  think  not!  Do 


214   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

you  suppose  that  you  are  kept  here  that  parties  may 
have  the  chance  of  hollering  out  their  lungs  for  you? 
Don't  answer  me,  sir!  but  get  some  hot  water,  and 
some  more  glasses;  and  be  quick  about  it."  Mr. 
Filcher  was  gone  immediately;  and,  in  three  minutes, 
every  thing  was  settled  to  Mr.  Bouncer's  satisfaction, 
and  he  gave  Mr.  Filcher  farther  orders  to  bring  up 
coffee  and  anchovy  toast,  at  half -past  eight  o'clock. 
"Now,  Pet,  my  beauty!"  said  the  little  gentleman, 
"you  just  walk  into  the  liquors;  because  you 've  got 
some  toughish  work  before  you,  you  "know." 

The  Pet  did  not  require  any  pressing,  but  did  as  he 
was  told;  and,  bestowing  a  collective  nod  on  the  com- 
pany, drank  their  healths  with  the  prefatory  remark, 
"  I  looks  io-wards  you  gents !  " 

"Will  you  poke  a  smipe,  Pet?  "  asked  Mr.  Bouncer, 
rather  enigmatically;  but,  as  he  at  the  same  time 
placed  before  the  Pet  a  "yard  of  clay"  and  a  box  of 
cigars,  the  professor  of  the  art  of  self-defence  perceived 
that  he  was  asked  to  smoke  a  pipe. 

"That's  right,  Pet!"  said  the  Honourable  Flexible 
Shanks,  condescendingly,  as  the  prizefighter  scienti- 
fically filled  the  bowl  of  his  pipe;  "I'm  glad  to  see 
you  join  us  in  a  bit  of  smoke.  We  're  all  Zforry-nalians 
now!  " 

"Shanks,  you're  incorrigible!"  said  Charles  Lar- 
kyns;  "  and  don't  you  remember  what  the  '  Oxford  Paro- 
dies '  say  ? "  and  in  his  clear,  rich  voice,  Mr.  Larkyns 
sang  the  two  following  verses  to  the  air  of  "  Love  not  "  : 

Smoke  not,  smoke  not,  your  weeds  nor  pipes  of  clay; 

Cigars  they  are  made  from  leaves  of  cauliflowers ;  — 
Things  that  are  doomed  no  duty  e'er  to  pay  ;  — 

Grown,  made,  and  smoked  in  a  few  short  hours. 

Smoke  not  —  smoke  not! 


AN   OXFORD  UNDERGRADUATE.  215 

Smoke  not,  smoke  not,  the  weed  you  smoke  may  change 

The  healthfulness  of  your  stomachic  tone  ; 
Things  to  the  eye  grow  queer  and  passing  strange ; 

All  thoughts  seem  undefined  —  save  one  —  to  be  alone ! 
Smoke  not  —  smoke  not ! 

"I  know  what  you're  thinking  about,  Gig-lamps," 
said  Mr.  Bouncer,  as  Charles  Larkyns  ceased  his 
parody  amid  an  approving  clatter  of  glasses;  "you 
were  thinking  of  your  first  weed  on  the  night  of 
Smalls'  quiet  party:  wer'n't  you  now,  old  feller?  Ah, 
you've  learnt  to  poke  a  smipe,  beautiful,  since  then. 
Pet,  here's  your  health.  I'll  give  you  a  toast  and 
smtiment,  gentlemen.  May  the  Gown  give  the  Town 
a  jolly  good  hiding!"  The  sentiment  was  received 
with  great  applause,  and  the  toast  was  drunk  with  all 
the  honours,  and  followed  by  the  customary  but  inap- 
propriate chorus,  "For  he's  a  jolly  good  fellow!" 
without  the  singing  of  which  Mr.  Bouncer  could  not 
allow  any  toast  to  pass. 

"  How  many  cads  could  you  lick  at  once,  one  off 
and  the  other  on?"  asked  Mr.  Fosbrooke  of  the  Pet, 
with  the  air  of  Boswell  when  he  wanted  to  draw  out 
the  Doctor. 

"Well,  sir,"  said  the  Pet,  with  the  modesty  of  true 
genius,  "I  wouldn't  be  pertickler  to  a  score  or  so,  as 
long  as  I  'd  got  my  back  well  up  agin  some'ut,  and 
could  hit  out." 

"  What  an  effective  tableau  it  would  be ! "  observed 
Mr.  Foote,  who  had  always  an  eye  to  dramatic  situa- 
tions. "Enter  the  Pet,  followed  by  twenty  towns- 
people. First  T.  P. — Yield,  traitor!  Pet  —  Never! 
the  man  who  would  yield  when  ordered  to  do  so,  is 
unworthy  the  name  of  a  Pet  and  an  Englishman! 


2l6   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

Floors  the  twenty  T.  P. 's  one  after  the  other. 
Tableau,  blue  fire.  Why,  it  would  surpass  the  British 
sailor's  broadsword  combat  for  six,  and  bring  down 
the  house." 

"Talking  of  bringing  down,"  said  Mr.  Blades,  "did 
you  remember  to  bring  down  a  cap  and  gown  for  the 
Pet,  as  I  told  you?" 

"Well,  I  believe  those  were  the  stage  directions," 
answered  Mr.  Foote;  "but,  really,  the  wardrobe  was 
so  ill  provided  that  it  would  only  supply  a  cap.  But 
perhaps  that  will  do  for  a  super." 

"  If  by  a  super  you  mean  a  supernumerary,  Foote- 
lights,"  said  Mr.  Cheke,  the  gentleman-commoner  of 
Corpus,  "then  the  Pet  isn't  one.  He's  the  leading 
character  of  what  you  would  call  the  dramatis  persona. " 

"True,"  replied  Mr.  Foote,  "he's  cast  for  the 
hero;  though  he  will  create  a  new  role  as  the  walking- 
into-them  gentleman." 

"You  see,  Footelights,"  said  Mr.  Blades,  "that  the 
Pet  is  to  lead  our  forces;  and  we  depend  upon  him  to 
help  us  on  to  victory:  and  we  must  put  him  into 
academicals,  not  only  because  the  town  cads  must 
think  he  is  one  of  us,  but  also  because  the  proctors 
might  otherwise  deprive  us  of  his  services  —  and  old 
Towzer,  the  Senior  Proctor,  in  particular,  is  sure  to 
be  all  alive.  Who's  got  an  old  gown?" 

"I  will  lend  mine  with  pleasure,"  said  Mr.  Verdant 
Green. 

"But  you  '11  want  it  yourself,"  said  Mr.  Blades. 

"Why,  thank  you,"  faltered  our  hero,  "I  'd  rather,  I 
think,  keep  within  college.  I  can  see  the  —  the  fun 
—  yes,  the  fun  —  from  the  window." 

"  Oh,  blow  it,  Gig-lamps !  "  ejaculated  Mr.  Bouncer, 


AN   OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE. 

"you  '11  never  go  to  do  the  mean,  and  show  the  white 
feather,  will  you  ?  " 

"Music  expressive  of  trepidation,"  murmured  Mr. 
Foote,  by  way  of  parenthesis. 

"But,"  pursued  our  hero,  apologetically,  "there  will 
be,  I  dare  say,  a  large  crowd. " 

"A  very  powerful  caste,  no  doubt,"  observed  Mr. 
Foote. 

"And  I  may  get  my  —  yes,  my  spectacles  broken; 
and  then  —  " 

"And  then,  Gig-lamps,"  said  Mr.  Bouncer,  "why, 
and  then  you  shall  be  presented  with  another  pair  as 
a  testimonial  of  affection  from  yours  truly.  Come, 
Gig-lamps,  don't  do  the  mean !  a  man  of  your  standing, 
and  with  a  chest  like  that !  "  and  the  little  gentleman 
sounded  on  our  hero's  shirt-front,  as  doctors  do  when 
they  stethoscope  a  patient.  "  Come,  Gig-lamps,  old 
feller,  you  mustn't  refuse.  You  didn't  ought  to  was, 
as  Shakspeare  says." 

"  Pardon  me !  Not  Shakspeare,  but  Wright,  in  the 
'Green  Bushes,'"  interrupted  Mr.  Foote,  who  was 
as  painfully  anxious  as  Mr.  Payne  Collier  himself 
that  the  text  of  the  great  poet  should  be  free  from 
corruptions.  « 

So  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  reluctantly,  it  must  be  con- 
fessed, suffered  himself  to  be  persuaded  to  join  that 
section  of  the  Gown  which  was  to  be  placed  under 
the  leadership  of  the  redoubted  Pet ;  while  little  Mr. 
Bouncer,  who  had  gone  up  into  Mr.  Sloe's  rooms,  and 
had  vainly  endeavoured  to  persuade  that  gentleman 
to  join  in  the  forthcoming  m$tie,  returned  with  an 
undergraduate's  gown,  and  forthwith  invested  the 
Pet  with  it. 


2l8   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

"I  don't  mind  this  'ere  mortar-board,  sir,"  remarked 
the  professor  of  the  noble  art  of  self-defence,  as  he 
pointed  to  the  academical  cap  which  surmounted  his 
head,  "I  don't  mind  the  mortar-board,  sir;  but  I  shall 
never  be  able  to  do  nothink  with  this  'ere  toggery  on 
my  shudders.  I  couldn't  use  my  mawleys  no  how!" 
And  the  Pet  illustrated  his  remark  in  a  professional 
manner,  by  sparring  at  an  imaginary  opponent  in  a 
feeble  and  unscientific  fashion. 

"  But  you  can  tie  the  tail-curtain  round  your  shoul- 
ders—  like  this!"  said  Mr.  Fosbrooke,  as  he  twisted 
his  own  gown  tightly  round  him. 

But  the  Pet  had  taken  a  decided  objection  to  the 
drapery:  "The  costume  would  interfere  with  the 
action,"  as  Mr.  Foote  remarked,  "and  the  manage- 
ment of  a  train  requires  great  practice." 

"You  see,  sir,"  said  the  Pet,  "I  ain't  used  to  the 
feel  of  it,  and  I  could  n't  go  to  business  properly,  or 
give  a  straight  nosender  no  how.  But  the  mortar- 
board ain't  of  so  much  consekvence."  So  a  com- 
promise was  made;  and  it  was  agreed  that  the  Pet 
was  to  wear  the  academicals  until  he  had  arrived  at 
the  scene  of  action,  where  he  could  then  pocket  the 
gown,  and  resume  it  on  any  alarm  of  the  Proctor's 
approach. 

"Here,  Gig-lamps,  old  feller!  get  a  priming  of 
fighting-powder!"  said  little  Mr.  Bouncer  to  our  hero, 
as  the  party  were  on  the  point  of  sallying  forth;  "  it  '11 
make  you  hit  out  from  your  shoulder  like  a  steam- 
engine  with  the  chill  off."  And,  as  Mr.  Bouncer 
whispered  to  Charles  Larkyns, 

"  So  he  kept  his  spirits  up 
By  pouring  spirits  down," 


AN   OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE.  219 

Verdant  —  who  felt  extremely  nervous,  either  from 
excitement  or  from  fear,  or  from  a  pleasing  mixture  of 
both  sensations  —  drank  off  a  deep  draught  of  some- 
thing which  was  evidently  not  drawn  from  Nature's 
spring  or  the  college  pump;  for  it  first  took  away 
his  breath,  and  made  his  eyes  water;  and  it  next  made 
him  cough,  and  endeavour  to  choke  himself;  and  it 
then  made  his  face  flush,  and  caused  him  to  declare 
that  "the  first  snob  who  'suited  him  should  have  a 
sound  whopping." 

"Brayvo,  Gig-lamps!"  cried  little  Mr.  Bouncer,  as 
he  patted  him  on  the  shoulder;  "come  along!  You  're 
the  right  sort  of  fellow  for  a  Town  and  Gown,  after 
all! 


22O   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 


CHAPTER   IV. 

MR.    VERDANT    GREEN    DISCOVERS    THE    DIFFERENCE 
BETWEEN    TOWN    AND    GOWN. 

IT  was  ten  minutes  past 
nine,  and  Tom,1  with 
sonorous  voice,  was  or- 
dering all  College  gates 
to  be  shut,  when  the 
wine  party,  which  had 
just  left  Mr.  Bouncer's 
room,  passed  round  the 
corner  of  St.  Mary's, 
and  dashed  across  the 
High.  The  Town  and 
Gown  had  already  be- 
gun. 

As  usual,  the  Town 
had  taken  the  initiative ; 
and,  in  a  dense  body, 
had  made  their  custom- 
ary sweep  of  the  High 
Street,  driving  all  be- 
fore them.  After  this 
gallant  exploit  had  been 
accomplished  to  the  entire  satisfaction  of  the  oppidans, 

1  The  great  bell  of   Christ   Church.     It  tolls   101    times   each 
evening  at  ten  minutes  past  nine  o'clock  (there  being  101  students 


AN   OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE.  221 

the  Town  had  separated  into  two  or  three  portions, 
which  had  betaken  themselves  to  the  most  probable 
fighting  points,  and  had  gone  where  glory  waited  them, 
thirsting  for  the  blood,  or,  at  any  rate,  for  the  bloody 
noses  of  the  gowned  aristocrats.  Woe  betide  the  luck- 
less gownsman,  who,  on  such  an  occasion,  ventures  abroad 
without  an  escort,  or  trusts  to  his  own  unassisted  pow- 
ers to  defend  himself !  He  is  forthwith  pounced  upon 
by  some  score  of  valiant  Townsmen,  who  are  on  the 
watch  for  these  favourable  opportunities  for  a  display 
of  their  personal  prowess,  and  he  may  consider  himself 
very  fortunate  if  he  is  able  to  get  back  to  his  College 
with  nothing  worse  than  black  eyes  and  bruises.  It  is 
so  seldom  that  the  members  of  the  Oxford  snobocracy 
have  the  privilege  afforded  them  of  using  their  fists 
on  the  faces  and  persons  of  the  members  of  the  Oxford 
aristocracy,  that  when  they  do  get  the  chance,  they  are 
unwilling  to  let  it  slip  through  their  fingers.  Dark 
tales  have,  indeed,  been  told,  of  solitary  and  unoffend- 
ing undergraduates  having,  on  such  occasions,  not  only 
received  a  severe  handling  from  those  same  fingers, 
but  also  having  been  afterwards,  through  their  agency, 
bound  by  their  own  leading  strings  to  the  rails  of  the 
Radcliffe,  and  there  left  ignominiously  to  struggle,  and 
shout  for  assistance.  And  darker  tales  still  have  been 
told  of  luckless  Gownsmen  having  been  borne  "  leg 
and  wing"  fashion  to  the  very  banks  of  the  Isis,  and 
there  ducked,  amidst  the  jeers  and  taunts  of  their 
persecutors.  But  such  tales  as  these  are  of  too  dread- 
on  the  foundation)  and  marks  the  time  for  the  closing  of  the  col- 
lege gates.  "  Tom  "  is  one  of  the  lions  of  Oxford.  It  formerly 
belonged  to  Oseney  Abbey,  and  weighs  about  17,000  pounds, 
being  more  than  double  the  weight  of  the  great  bell  of  St.  Paul's. 


222  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

ful  a  nature  for  the  conversation  of  Gownsmen,  and 
are  very  properly  believed  to  be  myths  scandalously 
propagated  by  the  Town. 

The  crescent  moon  shone  down  on  Mr.  Bouncer's 
party,  and  gave  ample  light 

To  light  them  on  their  prey. 

A  noise  and  shouting,  —  which  quickly  made  our 
hero's  Bob-Acreish  resolutions  ooze  out  at  his  fingers' 
ends,  — was  heard  coming  from  the  direction  of  Oriel 
Street;  and  a  small  knot  of  Gownsmen,  who  had  been 
cut  off  from  a  larger  body,  appeared,  manfully  retreat- 
ing with  their  faces  to  the  foe,  righting  as  they  fell 
back,  but  driven  by  superior  numbers  up  the  narrow 
street,  by  St.  Mary's  Hall,  and  past  the  side  of 
Spiers's  shop  into  the  High  Street. 

"Gown  to  the  rescue!"  shouted  Mr.  Blades,  as  he 
dashed  across  the  street ;  "  come  on,  Pet !  here  we  are 
in  the  thick  of  it,  just  in  the  nick  of  time ! "  and, 
closely  followed  by  Charles  Larkyns,  Mr.  Fosbrooke, 
Mr.  Smalls,  Mr.  Bouncer,  Mr.  Flexible  Shanks,  Mr. 
Cheke,  Mr.  Foote,  and  our  hero,  and  the  rest  of  the 
party,  they  soon  plunged  in  medias  res. 

The  movement  was  particularly  well-timed,  for  the 
small  body  of  Gownsmen  were  beginning  to  get 
roughly  handled ;  but  the  succour  afforded  by  the  Pet 
and  his  party  soon  changed  the  aspect  of  affairs ;  and, 
after  a  brief  skirmish,  there  was  a  temporary  cessation 
of  hostilities.  As  reinforcements  poured  in  on  either 
side,  the  mob  which  represented  the  Town,  wavered, 
and  spread  themselves  across  on  each  side  of  the  High, 
while  a  huge,  lumbering  bargeman,  who  appeared  to 
be  the  generalissimo  of  their  forces,  delivered  himself 


AN   OXFORD  UNDERGRADUATE.  223 

of  a  brief  but  energetic  speech,  in  which  he  delivered 
his  opinion  of  Gownsmen  in  general,  and  his  immedi- 
ate foes  in  particular,  in  a  way  which  would  have  to 
be  expressed  in  proper  print  chiefly  by  blanks,  and 
which  would  have  assuredly  entailed  upon  him  a  suc- 
cession of  five-shilling  fines,  had  he  been  in  a  court  of 
justice,  and  before  a  magistrate. 

"Here's  a  pretty  blank,  I  don't  think!"  he 
observed  in  conclusion,  as  he  pointed  to  Mr.  Verdant 
Green,  who  was  nervously  settling  his  spectacles,  and 
wishing  himself  safe  back  in  his  own  rooms;  "I 
wouldn't  give  a  blank  for  such  a  blank  blank.  I'm 
blank,  if  he  don't  look  as  though  he  'd  swaller'd  a 
blank  codfish,  and  had  bust  out  into  blank  barnacles ! " 
As  the  Bargee  was  apparently  regarded  by  his  party  as 
a  gentleman  of  infinite  humour,  his  highly-flavoured 
blank  remarks  were  received  by  them  with  shouts  of 
laughter;  while  our  hero  obtained  far  more  of  the  digito 
monstrari  share  of  public  notice  than  he  wished  for. 

For  some  brief  space,  the  warfare  between  the  rival 
parties  of  Town  and  Gown  continued  to  be  one  merely 
of  words  —  a  mutual  discharge  of  epea  pterocnta  (vul- 
gariter  "  chaff  "  ),  in  which  a  small  amount  of  sarcasm 
was  mingled  with  a  large  share  of  vituperation.  At 
length,  a  slang  rhyme  of  peculiar  offensiveness  was 
used  to  a  Wadham  gentleman,  which  so  exasperated 
him  that  he  immediately,  by  way  of  a  forcible  reply, 
sent  his  fist  full  into  the  speaker's  face.  On  this,  a 
collision  took  place  between  those  who  formed  the  out- 
side of  the  crowd ;  and  the  Gowns  flocked  together  to 
charge  en  masse.  Mr.  Verdant  Green  was  not  quite 
aware  of  this  sudden  movement,  and,  for  a  moment,  was 
cut  off  from  the  rest.  This  did  not  escape  the  eyes  of 


224  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

the  valiant  Bargee,  who  had  already  singled  out  our 
hero  as  the  one  whom  he  could  most  easily  punish,  with 
the  least  chance  of  getting  quick  returns  for  his  small 
profits.  Forthwith,  therefore,  he  rushed  to  his  victim, 
and  aimed  a  heavy  blow  at  him,  which  Verdant  only  half 
avoided  by  stooping.  Instinctively  doubling  his  fists, 
our  hero  found  that  Necessity  was,  indeed,  the  mother 
of  Invention;  and,  with  a  passing  thought  of  what 


would  be  his  mother's  and  Aunt  Virginia's  feelings 
could  they  see  him  fighting  in  the  public  streets  with 
a  common  bargeman,  he  contrived  to  guard  off  the 
second  blow.  But  at  the  next  furious  lunge  of  the 
Bargee  he  was  not  quite  so  fortunate,  and  receiving 
that  gentleman's  heavy  fist  full  in  his  forehead,  he 
staggered  backwards,  and  was  only  prevented  from 
measuring  his  length  on  the  pavement  by  falling 
against  the  iron  gates  of  St.  Mary's.  The  delighted 
Bargee  was  just  on  the  point  of  putting  the  coiip  de 
grdce  to  his  attack,  when,  to  Verdant's  inexpressible 
delight  and  relief,  his  lumbering  antagonist  was  sent 


AN   OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE.  225 

sprawling  by  a  well-directed  blow  on  his  right  ear. 
Charles  Larkyns,  who  had  kept  a  friendly  eye  on  our 
hero,  had  spied  his  condition,  and  had  sprung  to  his 
assistance.  He  was  closely  followed  by  the  Pet,  who 
had  divested  himself  of  the  gown  which  had  encum- 
bered his  shoulders,  and  was  now  freely  striking  out  in 
all  directions.  The  fight  had  become  general,  and 
fresh  combatants  had  sprung  up  on  either  side. 

"Keep  close  to  me,  Verdant,"  said  Charles  Larkyns, 

—  quite  unnecessarily,  by  the  way,  as  our  hero  had  no 

intention  of  doing  otherwise  until  he  saw  a  way  to 

escape;  "keep  close  to  me,  and  I  '11  take  care  you  are 

not  hurt." 

"Here  ye  are!"  cried  the  Pet,  as  he  set  his  back 
against  the  stone-work  flanking  the  iron  gates  of  the 
church,  immediately  in  front  of  one  of  the  curiously 
twisted  pillars  of  the  Porch;1  "come  on,  half  a  dozen 
of  ye,  and  let  me  have  a  rap  at  your  smellers!"  and 
he  looked  at  the  mob  in  the  "Come  one,  come  all 
defiant  "  fashion  of  Fitz-James;  while  Charles  Larkyns 
and  Verdant  set  their  backs  against  the  church  gates, 
and  prepared  for  a  rush. 

The  Bargee  came  up  furious,  and  hit  out  wildly  at 
Charles  Larkyns ;  but  science  was  more  than  a  match 
for  brute  force;  and,  after  receiving  two  or  three  blows 
which  caused  him  to  shake  his  head  in  a  don't-like-it 
sort  of  way,  he  endeavoured  to  turn  his  attention  to 

1  The  porch  was  erected  in  1637  by  order  of  Archbishop  Laud. 
In  the  centre  of  the  porch  is  a  status  of  the  Virgin  with  the  Child 
in  her  arms,  holding  a  small  crucifix;  which  at  the  time  of  its 
erection  gave  such  offence  to  the  Puritans  that  it  was  included  in 
the  articles  of  impeachment  against  the  Archbishop.  The  statue 
remains  to  this  day. 

IS 


226   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

Mr.  Verdant  Green,  who,  with  head  in  air,  was  taking 
the  greatest  care  of  his  spectacles,  and  endeavouring 
to  ward  off  the  indiscriminate  lunges  of  half  a  dozen 


townsmen.  The  Bargee's  charitable  designs  on  our 
hero  were,  however,  frustrated  by  the  opportune  ap- 
pearance of  Mr.  Blades  and  Mr.  Cheke,  the  gentleman- 
commoner  of  Corpus,  who,  in  their  turn,  were  closely 
followed  by  Mr.  Smalls  and  Mr.  Flexible  Shanks; 


AN   OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE.  22? 

and  Mr.  Blades  exclaiming,  "There's  a  smasher  for 
your  ivories,  my  fine  fellow!"  followed  up  the  remark 
with  a  practical  application  of  his  fist  to  the  part 
referred  to;  whereupon  the  Bargee  fell  back  with  a 
howl,  and  gave  vent  to  several  curse-ory  observations, 
and  blank  remarks. 

All  this  time  the  Pet  was  laying  about  him  in  the 
most  determined  manner;  and,  to  judge  from  his  pro- 
fessional observations,  his  scientific  acquirements  were 
in  full  play.  He  had  agreeable  remarks  for  each  of 
his  opponents;  and,  doubtless,  the  punishment  which 
they  received  from  his  stalwart  arms  came  with  more 
stinging  force  when  the  parts  affected  were  pointed 
out  by  his  illustrative  language.  To  one  gentleman 
he  would  pleasantly  observe,  as  he  tapped  him  on  the 
chest,  "Bellows  to  mend  for  you,  my  buck!"  or  else, 
"There's  a  regular  rib-roaster  for  you!"  or  else,  in 
the  still  more  elegant  imagery  of  the  Ring,  "There  's  a 
squelcher  in  the  bread-basket,  that'll  stop  your  danc- 
ing, my  kivey!"  While  to  another  he  would  cheer- 
fully remark,  "Your  head-rails  were  loosened  there, 
wasn't  they?  "  or  "How  about  the  kissing-trap? ''  or, 
"That  draws  the  bung  from  the  beer-barrel  I 'm  a 
thinkin'."  While  to  another  he  would  say,  as  a  fact 
not  to  be  disputed,  "You  napp'd  it  heavily  on  your 
whisker-bed,  didn't  you?"  or,  "That'll  raise  a  tidy 
mouse  on  your  ogle,  my  lad!"  or,  "That  '11  take  the 
bark  from  your  nozzle,  and  distil  the  Dutch  pink  for 
you,  won't  it?  "  While  to  another  he  would  mention 
as  an  interesting  item  of  news,  "Now  we  '11  tap  your 
best  October!"  or,  "There's  a  crack  on  your  snuff- 
box!" or,  "That'll  damage  your  potato-trap!"  Or 
else  he  would  kindly  inquire  of  one  gentleman,  "  What 


228   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

d'ye  ask  a  pint  for  your  cochineal  dye?"  or  would 
amiably  recommend  another  that,  as  his  peepers  were 
a  goin'  fast,  he  'd  best  put  up  the  shutters,  because  the 
early-closing  movement  ought  to  be  follered  out.  All 
this  was  done  in  the  cheeriest  manner;  while,  at  the 
same  time,  the  Pet  proved  himself  to  be  not  only  a 
perfect  master  of  his  profession,  but  also  a  skilful 
adept  in  those  figures  of  speech,  or  "nice  derange- 
ments of  epitaphs,"  as  Mrs.  Malaprop  calls  them,  in 
which  the  admirers  of  the  fistic  art  so  much  delight. 
At  every  blow  a  fresh  opponent  either  fell  or  staggered 
off;  the  supremacy  of  the  Pet  was  complete,  and  his 
claim  to  be  considered  a  Professor  of  the  noble  and 
manly  art  of  Self-defence  was  triumphantly  estab- 
lished. "The  Putney  Pet"  was  a  decidedly  valuable 
acquisition  to  the  side  of  Gown. 

Soon  the  crowd  became  thinner,  as  those  of  the 
Town  who  liked  to  give,  but  not  to  receive  hard  blows, 
stole  off  to  other  quarters ;  and  the  Pet  and  his  party 
would  have  been  left  peaceably  to  themselves.  But 
this  was  not  what  they  wanted,  as  long  as  fighting  was 
going  on  elsewhere;  even  Mr.  Verdant  Green  began 
to  feel  desperately  courageous  as  the  Town  took  to 
their  heels,  and  fled;  and,  having  performed  prodigies 
of  valour  in  almost  knocking  down  a  small  cad  who 
had  had  the  temerity  to  attack  him,  our  hero  felt  him- 
self to  be  a  hero  indeed,  and  announced  his  intention 
of  pursuing  the  mob,  and  sticking  close  to  Charles 
Larkyns,  —  taking  especial  care  to  do  the  latter. 
"  All  the  savage  soul  oifeght  was  up  ;  " 

and  the  Gown  following  the  scattered  remnant  of  the 
flying  Town,  ran  them  round  by  All  Saints'  Church, 
and  up  the  Turl. 


AN   OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE. 


229 


Here  another  Town  and  Gown  party  had  fought 
their  way  from  the  Corn-market ;  and  the  Gown,  get- 
ting considerably  the  worst  of  the  conflict,  had  taken 
refuge  within  Exeter  College  by  the  express  order  of 
the  Senior  Proctor,  the  Rev.  Thomas  Tozer,  more 
familiarly  known  as  "old  Towzer. "  He  had  endeav- 
oured to  assert  his  proctorial  authority  over  the  mob 


of  the  townspeople;  but  the  profanum  vulgus  had  not 
only  scoffed  and  jeered  him,  but  had  even  torn  his 
gown,  and  treated  his  velvet  sleeves  with  the  indignity 
of  mud;  while  the  only  fireworks  which  had  been 
exhibited  on  that  evening  had  been  let  off  in  his  very 
face.  Pushed  on,  and  hustled  by  the  mob,  and  only 
partially  protected  by  his  Marshal  and  Bull-dogs,1  he 
was  saved  from  further  indignity  by  the  arrival  of  a 
small  knot  of  Gownsmen,  who  rushed  to  his  rescue. 
Their  number  was  too  small,  however,  to  make  head 

1  The  Marshal  is  the  Proctor's  chief  officer.  The  name  of 
"  Bull-dogs  "  is  given  to  the  two  inferior  officers  who  attend  the 
Proctor  in  his  nightly  rounds. 


230   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

against  the  mob,  and  the  best  that  they  could  do  was 
to  cover  the  Proctor's  retreat.  Now,  the  Rev.  Thomas 
Tozer  was  short,  and  inclined  to  corpulence,  and, 
although  not  wanting  for  courage,  yet  the  exertion  of 
defending  himself  from  a  superior  force,  was  not  only 
a  fruitless  one,  but  was,  moreover,  productive  of  much 
unpleasantness  and  perspiration.  Deeming,  therefore, 
that  discretion  was  the  better  part  of  valour,  he  fled 
(like  those  who  tended,  or  ought  to  have  attended  to, 
the  flocks  of  Mr.  Norval,  Sen.) 

"  for  safety  and  for  succour  ;  " 

and,  being  rather  short  of  the  necessary  article  of 
wind,  by  the  time  that  he  had  reached  Exeter  College, 
he  had  barely  breath  enough  left  to  tell  the  porter  to 
keep  the  gates  shut  until  he  had  assembled  a  body  of 
Gownsmen  to  assist  him  in  capturing  those  daring 
ringleaders  of  the  mob  who  had  set  his  authority  at 
defiance.  This  was  soon  done;  the  call  to  arms  was 
made,  and  every  Exeter  man  who  was  not  already  out, 
ran  to  "old  Towzer's"  assistance. 

"Now,  Porter,"  said  Mr.  Tozer,  "unbar  the  gate 
without  noise,  and  I  will  look  forth  to  observe  the 
position  of  the  mob.  Gentlemen,  hold  yourselves  in 
readiness  to  secure  the  ringleaders. " 

The  porter  undid  the  wicket,  and  the  Rev.  Thomas 
Tozer  cautiously  put  forth  his  head.  It  was  a  rash 
act;  for,  no  sooner  had  his  nose  appeared  round  the 
edge  of  the  wicket,  than  it  received  a  flattening  blow 
from  the  fist  of  an  active  gentleman  who,  like  a  clever 
cricketer,  had  been  on  the  lookout  for  an  opportunity 
to  get  in  to  his  adversary's  wicket. 

"  Oh,  this  is  painful !  this  is  very  painful ! "  ejacu- 
lated Mr.  Tozer,  as  he  rapidly  drew  in  his  head. 


AN   OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE.  231 

"Close  the  wicket  directly,  porter,  and  keep  it  fast." 
It  was  like  closing  the  gates  of  Hougomont.  The 
active  gentleman  who  had  damaged  Mr.  Tozer's  nose 
threw  himself  against  the  wicket,  his  comrades  assisted 
him,  and  the  porter  had  some  difficulty  in  obeying  the 
Proctor's  orders. 

"  Oh,  this  is  painful !  "  murmured  the  Rev.  Thomas 
Tozer,  as  he  applied  a  handkerchief  to  his  bleeding 
nose;  "this  is  painful,  this  is  very  painful!  this  is 
exceedingly  painful,  gentlemen !  " 

He  was  immediately  surrounded  by  sympathising 
undergraduates,  who  begged  him  to  allow  them  at  once 
to  charge  the  Town;  but  "old  Towzer's  "  spirit  seemed 
to  have  been  aroused  by  the  indignity  to  which  he  had 
been  forced  so  publicly  to  submit,  and  he  replied  that, 
as  soon  as  the  bleeding  had  ceased,  he  would  lead  them 
forth  in  person.  An  encouraging  cheer  followed  this 
courageous  resolve,  and  was  echoed  from  without  by 
the  derisive  applause  of  the  Town. 

When  Mr.  Tozer's  nose  had  ceased  to  bleed,  the 
signal  was  given  for  the  gates  to  be  thrown  open ;  and 
out  rushed  Proctor,  Marshal,  Bull-dogs,  and  under- 
graduates. The  Town  was  in  great  force,  and  the  fight 
became  desperate.  To  the  credit  of  the  Town,  be  it 
said,  they  discarded  bludgeons  and  stones,  and  fought, 
in  John  Bull  fashion,  with  their  fists.  Scarcely  a  stick 
was  to  be  seen.  Singling  out  his  man,  Mr.  Tozer 
made  at  him  valiantly,  supported  by  his  Bull-dogs,, 
and  a  small  band  of  Gownsmen.  But  the  heavy  gown 
and  velvet  sleeves  were  a  grievous  hindrance  to  the 
Proctor's  prowess;  and,  although  supported  on  either 
side  by  his  two  attendant  Bull-dogs,  yet  the  weight 
of  his  robes  made  poor  Mr.  Tozer  almost  as  harmless 


232   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

as  the  blind  King  of  Bohemia  between  his  two  faith- 
ful knights  at  the  battle  of  Crecy;  and,  as  each  of 
the  party  had  to  look  to,  and  fight  for  himself,  the 
Senior  Proctor  soon  found  himself  in  an  awkward 
predicament. 

The  cry  of  "  Gown  to  the  rescue ! "  therefore,  fell 
pleasantly  on  his  ears ;  and  the  reinforcement  headed 


by  Mr.  Charles  Larkyns  and  his  party,  materially 
improved  the  aspect  of  affairs  on  the  side  of  Gown. 
Knocking  down  a  cowardly  fellow,  who  was  using  his 
heavy-heeled  boots  on  the  body  of  a  prostrate  under- 
graduate, Mr.  Blades,  closely  followed  by  the  Pet, 
dashed  in  to  the  Proctor's  assistance;  and  never  in  a 
Town  and  Gown  was  assistance  more  timely  rendered; 
for  the  Rev.  Thomas  Tozer  had  just  received  his  first 


AN   OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE.  233 

knock-down  blow!  By  the  help  of  Mr.  Blades  the 
fallen  chieftain  was  quickly  replaced  upon  his  legs; 
while  the  Pet  stepped  before  him,  and  struck  out  skil- 
fully right  and  left.  Ten  more  minutes  of  scientific 
pugilism,  and  the  fate  of  the  battle  was  decided.  The 
Town  fled  every  way ;  some  round  the  corner  by  Lincoln 
College;  some  up  the  Turl  towards  Trinity;  some 
down  Ship  Street;  and  some  down  by  Jesus  College, 
and  Market  Street.  A  few  of  the  more  resolute  made  a 
stand  in  Broad  Street ;  but  it  was  of  no  avail ;  and  they 
received  a  sound  punishment  at  the  hands  of  the  Gown, 
on  the  spot,  where,  some  three  centuries  before,  certain 
mitred  Gownsmen  had  bravely  suffered  martyrdom.1 

Now,  the  Rev.  Thomas  Tozer  was  a  strict  disci- 
plinarian, and,  although  he  had  so  materially  benefited 
by  the  Pet's  assistance,  yet,  when  he  perceived  that 
that  pugilistic  gentleman  was  not  possessed  of  the  full 
complement  of  academical  attire,  the  duties  of  the 
Proctor  rose  superior  to  the  gratitude  of  the  Man ;  and, 
with  all  the  sternness  of  an  ancient  Roman  Father,  he 
said  to  the  Pet,  "Why  have  you  not  on  your  gown, 
sir?" 

"I  ax  your  pardon,  guv'nor!"  replied  the  Pet, 
deferentially;  "I  didn't  so  much  care  about  the 
mortar-board,  but  I  could  n't  do  nothin'  nohow  with 
the  t'other  thing,  so  I  pocketed  him;  but  some  cove 
must  have  gone  and  prigged  him,  for  he  ain't  here." 

1  The  exact  spot  where  Archbishop  Cranmer  and  Bishops  Rid- 
ley and  Latimer  suffered  martyrdom  is  not  known.  "  The  most 
likely  supposition  is,  that  it  was  in  the  town  ditch,  the  site  of 
which  is  now  occupied  by  the  houses  in  Broad  Street,  which  are 
immediately  opposite  the  gateway  of  Balliol  College,  or  the  foot- 
path in  front  of  them,  where  an  extensive  layer  of  wood-ashes  is 
known  to  remain."  —  (Parker.) 


234   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

"I  am  unable  to  comprehend  the  nature  of  your 
language,  sir,"  observed  the  Rev.  Thomas  Tozer, 
angrily;  for,  what  with  his  own  excitement,  and  the 
shades  of  evening  which  had  stolen  over  and  obscured 
the  Pet's  features,  he  was  unable  to  read  that  gentle- 
man's character  and  profession  in  his  face,  and  there- 


fore came  to  the  conclusion  that  he  was  being  chaffed 
by  some  impudent  undergraduate.  "I  don't  in  the 
least  understand  you,  sir;  but  I  desire  at  once  to 
know  your  name,  and  College,  sir!" 

The  Putney  Pet  stared.  If  the  Rev.  Thomas  Tozer 
had  asked  him  for  the  name  of  his  Academy,  he  would 
have  been  able  to  have  referred  him  to  his  spacious 
and  convenient  Sparring  Academy,  5,  Cribb  Court, 


AN   OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE.  235 

Drury  Lane;  but  the  enquiry  for  his  "  College  "  was,  in 
the  language  of  his  profession,  a  "regular  floorer." 
Mr.  Blades,  however,  stepped  forward,  and  explained 
matters  to  the  Proctor,  in  a  satisfactory  manner. 

"  Well,  well ! "  said  the  pacified  Mr.  Tozer  to  the 
Pet;  "you  have  used  your  skill  very  much  to  our 
advantage,  and  displayed  pugilistic  powers  not  unwor- 
thy of  the  athletes  and  xystics  of  the  noblest  days  of 
Rome.  As  a  palaestrite  you  would  have  gained  palms 
in  the  gymnastic  exercises  of  the  Circus  Maximus. 
You  might  even  have  proved  a  formidable  rival  to 
Dares,  who,  as  you,  Mr.  Blades,  will  remember,  caused 
the  death  of  Butes  at  Hector's  tomb.  You  will 
remember,  Mr.  Blades,  that  Virgil  makes  mention  of 
his  '  humeros  latos, '  and  says :  — 

'  Nee  quisquam  ex  agmine  tanto 
Audet  adire  virum,  manibusque  inducere  caestus ; '  *• 

which,  in  our  English  idiom,  would  signify,  that  every 
one  was  afraid  to  put  on  the  gloves  with  him.  And, 
as  your  skill,"  resumed  Mr.  Tozer,  turning  to  the  Pet, 
"has  been  exercised  in  defence  of  my  person,,  and  in 
upholding  the  authority  of  the  University,  I  will  over- 
look your  offence  in  assuming  that  portion  of  the 
academical  attire,  to  which  you  gave  the  offensive 
epithet  of  '  mortar-board ; '  more  especially,  as  you 
acted  at  the  suggestion  and  bidding  of  those  who  ought 
to  have  known  better.  And  now,  go  home,  sir,  and 
resume  your  customary  head-dress ;  and  —  stay!  here's 
five  shillings  for  you." 

"I  'm  much  obleeged  to  you,  guv'nor,"  said  the  Pet, 
who  had  been  listening  with  considerable  surprise  to 

1  /En.,  Book  v.,  378. 


236  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

the  Proctor's  quotations  and  comparisons,  and  wonder- 
ing whether  the  gentleman  named  Dares,  who  caused 
the  death  of  beauties,  was  a  member  of  the  P.  R.,  and 
whether  they  made  it  out  a  case  of  manslaughter 
against  him?  and  if  the  gaining  palms  in  a  circus  was 
the  customary  "flapper-shaking"  before  "toeing  the 
scratch  for  business ?  "  —  "I  'm  much  obleeged  to  you, 
guv'nor,"  said  the  Pet,  as  he  made  a  scrape  with  his 
leg;  "and  whenever  you  does  come  up  to  London,  I 
'ope  you'll  drop  in  at  Cribb  Court,  and  have  a  turn 
with  the  gloves! "  And  the  Pet,  very  politely,  handed 
one  of  his  professional  cards  to  the  Rev.  Thomas 
Tozer. 

A  little  later  than  this,  a  very  jovial  supper  party 
might  have  been  seen  assembled  in  a  principal  room 
at  "the  Roebuck."  To  enable  them  to  be  back  within 
their  college  walls,  and  save  their  gates,  before  the 
hour  of  midnight  should  arrive,  the  work  of  consuming 
the  grilled  bones  and  welch-rabbits  was  going  on  with 
all  reasonable  speed,  the  heavier  articles  being  washed 
down  by  draughts  of  "heavy."  After  the  cloth  was 
withdrawn,  several  songs  of  a  miscellaneous  character 
were  sung  by  "the  professional  gentlemen  present," 
including,  "by  particular  request,"  the  celebrated 
"  Marble  Halls  "  song  of  our  hero,  which  was  given 
with  more  coherency  than  on  a  previous  occasion,  but 
was  no  less  energetically  led  in  its  "you-loved-me- 
still-the-same  "  chorus  by  Mr.  Bouncer.  The  Pet  was 
proudly  placed  on  the  right  hand  of  the  chairman,  Mr. 
Blades;  and,  when  his  health  was  proposed,  "with 
many  thanks  to  him  for  the  gallant  and  plucky  manner 
in  which  he  had  led  on  the  Gown  to  a  glorious  vic- 
tory," the  "three  times  three,"  and  the  "one  cheer 


AN   OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE.  237 

more,"  and  the  "again,"  and  "again,"  and  the  "one 
other  little  un ! "  were  uproariously  given  (as  Mr. 
Foote  expressed  it)  "by  the  whole  strength  of  the 
company,  assisted  by  Messrs.  Larkyns,  Smalls,  Fos- 
brooke,  Flexible  Shanks,  Cheke,  and  Verdant  Green." 
The  forehead  of  the  last-named  gentleman  was  deco- 
rated with  a  patch  of  brown  paper,  from  which  arose 
an  aroma,  as  though  of  vinegar.  The  battle  of  "  Town 
and  Gown"  was  over;  and  Mr.  Verdant  Green  was 
among  the  number  of  the  wounded. 


CHAPTER   V. 

MR.  VERDANT  GREEN  IS  FAVOURED  WITH  MR.  BOUN- 
CER'S  OPINIONS  REGARDING  AN  UNDERGRADUATE'S 
EPISTOLARY  COMMUNICATIONS  TO  HIS  MATERNAL 
RELATIVE. 


OME  in,  whoever  you  are  !  don't  mind  the  dogs  !  " 
shouted  little  Mr.  Bouncer,  as  he  lay,  in  an 
extremely  inelegant  attitude,  in  a  red  morocco  chair, 
which  was  considerably  the  worse  for  wear,  chiefly  on 
account  of  the  ill-usage  it  had  to  put  up  with,  in  be- 
ing made  to  represent  its  owner's  antagonist,  when- 
ever Mr.  Bouncer  thought  fit  to  practise  his  fencing. 
"Oh!  it's  you  and  Gig-lamps,  is  it,  Charley?  I'm 
just  refreshing  myself  with  a  weed,  for  I  've  been 
desperately  hard  at  work." 

"What!  Harry  Bouncer  devoting  himself  to  study! 
But  this  is  the  age  of  wonders,"  said  Charles  Larkyns, 


AN   OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE. 


239 


who  entered  the  room  in  company  with  Mr.  Verdant 
Green,  whose  forehead  still  betrayed  the  effects  of  the 
blow  he  had  received  a  few  nights  before. 

"It  ain't  reading  that  I  meant,"  replied  Mr.  Boun- 
cer, "  though  that  always  docs  floor  me,  and  no  mistake ! 
and  what  's  the  use  of 
their  making  us  peg  away 
so  at  Latin  and  Greek,  I 
can't  make  out.  When 
I  go  out  into  society,  I 
don't  want  to  talk  about 
those  old  Greek  and 
Latin  birds  that  they 
make  us  get  up.  I  don't 
want  to  ask  any  old  dow- 
ager I  happen  to  fall  in 
with  at  a  tea-fight, 
whether  she  believes  all 
the  crammers  that  He- 
rodotus tells  us,  or 
whether  she 's  well  up 
in  the  naughty  tales  and 
rummy  nuisances  that 
we  have  to  pass  no  end 
of  our  years  in  getting 
by  heart.  And  when  I 
go  to  a  ball,  and  do  the 

light  fantastic,  I  don't  want  to  ask  my  partner  what 
she  thinks  about  Euripides,  or  whether  she  prefers 
Ovid's  Metamorphoses  to  Ovid's  Art  of  Love,  and  all 
that  sort  of  thing;  and  as  for  requesting  her  to  do  me 
a  problem  of  Euclid,  instead  of  working  me  any  glori- 
fied slippers  or  woolleries,  I  'd  scorn  the  faction.  I 


240  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

ain't  like  you,  Charley,  and  I  'm  not  guv  in  the  clas- 
sics: I  saw  too  much  of  the  beggars  while  I  was  at 
Eton  to  take  kindly  to  'em;  and  just  let  me  once  get 
through  my  Greats,  and  see  if  I  don't  precious  soon 
drop  the  acquaintance  of  those  old  classical  parties." 

"No  you  won't,  old  fellow!"  said  Charles  Larkyns; 
"you'll  find  that  they'll  stick  to  you  through  life, 
just  like  poor  relations,  and  you  won't  be  able  to 
shake  them  off.  And  you  ought  not  to  wish  to  do  so, 
more  especially  as,  in  the  end,  you  will  find  them  to 
have  been  very  rich  relations." 

"A  sort  of  '  O  my  prophetic  soul,  my  uncle! '  I  sup- 
pose, Master  Charley,"  observed  Mr.  Bouncer;  "but 
what  I  meant  when  I  said  that  I  had  been  hard  at 
work,  was,  that  I  had  been  writing  a  letter;  and, 
though  I  say  it  that  ought  not  to  say  it,  I  flatter  myself 
it 's  no  end  of  a  good  letter." 

"Is  it  a  love-letter?"  asked  Charles  Larkyns,  who 
was  leaning  against  the  mantel-piece,  amusing  himself 
with  a  cigar  which  he  had  taken  from  Mr.  Bouncer's 
box. 

"A  love-letter?"  replied  the  little  gentleman,  con- 
temptuously—  "my  gum!  no;  I  should  rayther  think 
not !  I  may  have  done  many  foolish  things  in  my  life, 
but  I  can't  have  the  tender  passion  laid  to  my  charge. 
No!  I've  been  writing  my  letter  to  the  Mum:  I 
always  write  to  her  once  a  term."  Mr.  Bouncer,  it 
must  be  observed,  always  referred  to  his  maternal 
relative  (his  father  had  been  long  dead)  by  the  epithet 
of  "the  Mum." 

"  Once  a  term !  "  said  our  hero,  in  a  tone  of  surprise ; 
"  why  I  always  write  home  once  or  twice  every  week. " 

"You  don't  mean  to  say  so,   Gig-lamps!"   replied 


AN   OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE.  241 

Mr.  Bouncer,  with  admiration.  "Well,  some  fellers 
have  what  you  call  a  genius  for  that  sort  of  thing,  you 
see,  though  what  you  can  find  to  tell  'em  I  can't  imag- 
ine. But  if  I  'd  gone  at  that  pace  I  should  have  got 
right  through  the  Guide  Book  by  this  time,  and  then 
it  would  have  been  all  U  P,  and  I  should  have  been 
obleeged  to  have  invented  another  dodge.  You  don't 
seem  to  take,  Gig-lamps  ?  " 

"Well,  I  really  don't  know  what  you  mean," 
answered  our  hero. 

"Why,"  continued  Mr.  Bouncer,  "you  see,  there's 
only  the  Mum  and  Fanny  at  home :  Fanny  's  my  sister, 
Gig-lamps  —  a  regular  stunner  —  just  suit  you!  —  and 
they,  you  understand,  don't  care  to  hear  about  wines, 
and  Town  and  Gowns,  and  all  that  sort  of  thing;  and, 
you  see,  I  ain't  inventive  and  that,  and  can't  spin  a 
yarn  about  nothing;  so,  as  soon  as  ever  I  came  up  to 
Oxford,  I  invested  money  in  a  Guide  Book;  and  I 
began  at  the  beginning,  and  I  gave  the  Mum  three 
pages  of  Guide  Book  in  each  letter.  Of  course,  you 
see,  the  Mum  imagines  it's  all  my  own  observation; 
and  she  thinks  no  end  of  my  letters,  and  says  that 
they  make  her  know  Oxford  almost  as  well  as  if  she 
lived  here;  and  she,  of  course,  makes  a  good  deal  of 
me;  and  as  Oxford  's  the  place  where  I  hang  out,  you 
see,  she  takes  an  interest  in  reading  something  about 
the  jolly  old  place." 

"Of  course,"  observed  Mr.  Verdant  Green;  "my 
mamma — mother,  at  least  —  and  sisters  always  take 
pleasure  in  hearing  about  Oxford ;  but  your  plan  never 
occurred  to  me." 

"  It 's  a  first-rater,  and  no  mistake, "  said  Mr.  Bouncer, 
confidently,  "  and  saves  a  deal  of  trouble.  I  think  of 
16 


242  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

taking  out  a  patent  for  it  —  '  Bouncer's  Complete 
Letter-Writer  '  —  or  get  some  literary  swell  to  put  it 
into  a  book  '  with  a  portrait  of  the  inventor; '  it  would 
be  sure  to  sell.  You  see,  it 's  what  you  call  amuse- 
ment blended  with  information;  and  that 's  more  than 
you  can  say  of  most  men's  letters  to  the  Home 
department." 

"Cocky  Palmer's,  for  instance,"  said  Charles  Lar- 
kyns,  "which  always  contained  a  full,  true,  and 
particular  account  of  his  Wheatley  doings.  He  used 
to  go  over  there,  Verdant,  to  indulge  in  the  noble 
sport  of  cock-fighting,  for  which  he  had  a  most  unami- 
able  and  unenviable  weakness;  that  was  the  reason 
why  he  was  called  '  Cocky  '  Palmer.  His  elder  brother 
—  who  was  a  Pembroke  man  —  was  distinguished  by 
the  pronomen  '  Snuffy, '  to  express  his  excessive  par- 
tiality for  that  titillating  compound." 

"And  Snuffy  Palmer,"  remarked  Mr.  Bouncer, 
"was  a  long  sight  better  feller  than  Cocky,  who  was 
in  the  very  worst  set  in  Brazenface.  But  Cocky  did 
the  Wheatley  dodge  once  too  often,  and  it  was  a  good 
job  for  the  King  of  Oude  when  his  friend  Cocky  came 
to  grief,  and  had  to  take  his  name  off  the  books." 

"  You  look  as  though  you  wanted  a  translation  of 
this,"  said  Charles  Larkyns  to  our  hero,  who  had  been 
listening  to  the  conversation  with  some  wonderment, 
—  understanding  about  as  much  of  it  as  many  persons 
who  attend  the  St.  James's  Theatre  understand  the 
dialogue  of  the  French  Plays.  "There  are  College 
cabalia,  as  well  as  Jewish;  and  College  surnames  are 
among  these.  '  The  King  of  Oude  '  was  a  man  of  the 
name  of  Towlinson,  who  always  used  to  carry  into 
Hall  with  him  a  bottle  of  '  tJie  King  of  Oude  s  Sauce,' 


AN   OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE.  243 

for  which  he  had  some  mysterious  liking,  and  without 
which  he  professed  himself  unable  to  get  through  his 
dinner.  At  one  time  he  was  a  great  friend  of  Cocky 
Palmer's,  and  used  to  go  with  him  to  the  cock-fights 
at  Wheatley  —  that  village  just  on  the  other  side 
Shotover  Hill  — where  we  did  a  '  constitutional '  the 
other  day.  Cocky,  as  our  respected  friend  says,  '  came 
to  grief,'  but  was  allowed  to  save  himself  from  expul- 
sion by  voluntarily,  or  rather  in  voluntarily,  taking  his 
name  off  the  books.  When  his  connection  with  Cocky 
had  thus  been  ruthlessly  broken,  '  the  King'  got  into 
a  better  set,  and  retrieved  his  character." 

"The  moral  of  which,  my  beloved  Gig-lamps," 
observed  Mr.  Bouncer, "is,  that  there  are  as  many  sets 
of  men  in  a  College  as  there  are  of  quadrilles  in  a  ball- 
room, and  that  it 's  just  as  easy  to  take  your  place  in 
one  as  it  is  in  another;  but,  that  when  you've  once 
taken  up  your  position,  you'll  find  it  ain't  an  easy 
thing,  you  see,  to  make  a  change  for  yourself,  till  the 
set  is  broken  up.  Whereby,  Gig-lamps,  you  may  com- 
prehend what  a  grateful  bird  you  ought  to  be,  for 
Charley's  having  put  you  into  the  best  set  in 
Brazenface. " 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  was  heard  to  murmur,  "  sensible 
of  honour,  —  grateful  for  kindness,  —  endeavours  to 
deserve," — and  the  other  broken  sentiments  which 
are  commonly  made  use  of  by  gentlemen  who  get  upon 
their  legs  to  return  thanks  for  having  been  "  tea-potted. " 

"If  you  like  to  hear  it,"  said  Mr.  Bouncer,  "I'll 
read  you  my  letter  to  the  Mum.  It  ain't  very  private; 
and  I  flatter  myself,  Gig-lamps,  that  it  '11  serve  you  as 
a  model." 

"Let  's  have  it  by  all  means,  Harry,"  said  Charles 


244  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 


Larkyns.  "It  must  bean  interesting  document;  and 
I  am  curious  to  hear  what  it  is  that  you  consider  a 
model  for  epistolary  communication  from  an  under- 
graduate to  his  maternal  relative." 

"Off    she    goes    then;"    observed    Mr.     Bouncer; 

"  lend  me  your  ears 
—  list,  list,  O  list !  as 
the  recruiting-ser- 
geant or  some  other 
feller  says  in  the 
Play, '  Now,  my  little 
dears !  look  straight 
for'ard  —  blow  your 
noses,  and  don't 
brathe  on  the  glass- 
es!'"  and  Mr.  Boun- 
cer read  the  letter, 
interspersing  it  with 
explanatory  observa- 
tions:— 

"  '  My  dearest  mother,  —  /  have  been  quite  well  since  1 
left  you,  and  I  hope  you  and  Fanny  have  been  equally 
salubrious',  — That's  doing  the  civil,  you  see:  now  we 
pass  on  to  statistics.  —  '  We  had  rain  the  day  before  yes- 
terday, but  we  shall  have  a  new  moon  to-night.'  --  You 
see,  the  Mum  always  likes  to  hear  about  the  weather, 
so  I  get  that  out  of  the  Almanack.  Now  we  get  on  to 
the  interesting  part  of  the  letter.  —  '  /  will  now  tell  yon 
a  little  about  Merton  College'  —  That's  where  I  had  just 
got  to.  We  go  right  through  the  Guide  Book,  you 
understand. — '  The  history  of  this  establishment  is  of 
peculiar  importance,  as  exhibiting  the  primary  model  of 
all  the  collegiate  bodies  in  Oxford  and  Cambridge.  The 


AN   OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE.  245 

statutes  of  Walter  de  Merton  had  been  more  or  less  copied 
by  all  other  founders  in  succession  ;  and  the  whole  con- 
stitution of  both  Universities,  as  we  now  behold  them, 
may  be,  not  without  reason,  ascribed  to  the  liberality  and 
munificence  of  this  truly  great  man.' — Truly  great 
man  !  that's  no  end  good,  ain't  it?'  observed  Mr.  Bouncer, 
in  the  manner  of  the  "  mobled  queen  is  good  "  of  Polo- 
nius. — "'His  sagacity  and  wisdom  led  him  to  profit  by 
the  spirit  of  the  times  ;  his  opulence  enabled  him  to  lay 
the  foundation  of  a  nobler  system  ;  and  the  splendour  of 
his  example  induced  others,  in  subsequent  ages,  to  raise  a 
superstructure  at  once  attractive  and  solid.1  —  That 's 
piling  it  up  mountaynious,  ain't  it? —  'The  students  were 
no  longer  dispersed  through  the  streets  and  lanes  of  the 
city,  dwelling  in  insulated  houses,  halls,  inns,  or  hostels, 
subject  to  dubious  control  and  precarious  discipline!  — 
That's  stunnin',  isn't  it?  just  like  those  'Times'  fellers 
write.  —  '  But  placed  under  the  immediate  superinten- 
dence of  tutors  and  governors,  and  lodged  in  comfortable 
chambers.  This  was  little  less  than  an  academical  revo- 
lution ;  and  a  new  order  of  things  may  be  dated  from  this 
memorable  era.  Love  to  Fanny ;  and  believe  me  your 
affectionate  Son,  Henry  Bouncer?  —  If  the  Mum  don't 
say  that 's  first-rate,  I  'm  a  Dutchman  !  You  see,  I  don't 
write  very  close,  so  that  this  respectably  fills  up  three 
sides  of  a  sheet  of  note-paper.  Oh,  here  's  something 
over  the  leaf.  '  P.  S.  I  hope  Stump  and  Rowdy  have 
got  something  for  me,  because  I  want  some  tin  very  bad' 
That 's  all !  Well,  Gig-lamps  !  don't  you  call  that  quite  a 
model  letter  for  a  University  man  to  send  to  his  tender 
parient?" 

"It  certainly  contains  some  interesting  informa- 
tion," said  our  hero,  with  a  Quaker-like  indirectness 
of  reply. 


246   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

"It  seems  to  me,  Harry,"  said  Charles  Larkyns, 
"that  the  pith  of  it,  like  a  lady's  letter,  lies  in  the 
postscript  —  the  demand  for  money." 

"You  see,"  observed  the  little  gentleman  in  expla- 
nation, "  Stump  and  Rowdy  are  the  beggars  that  have 
got  all  my  property  till  I  come  of  age  next  year;  and 
they  only  let  me  have  money  at  certain  times,  because 
it  's  what  they  facetiously  call  tied-up :  though  why 
they  've  tied  it  up,  or  where  they  've  tied  it  up,  I 
have  n't  the  smallest  idea.  So,  though  I  tick  for 
nearly  every  thing  —  for  men  at  College,  Gig-lamps,  go 
upon  tick  as  naturally  as  the  crows  do  on  the  sheep's 
backs,  —  I  sometimes  am  rather  hard  up  for  ready  dibs ; 
and  then  I  give  the  Mum  a  gentlemanly  hint  of  this, 
and  she  tips  me.  By-the-way,"  continued  Mr.  Boun- 
cer, as  he  re-read  his  postscript,  "  I  must  alter  the 
word  '  tin  '  into  '  money;  '  or  else  she  '11  be  taking  it 
literally,  just  as  she  did  with  the  ponies.  Know  what 
a  pony  is,  Gig-lamps?" 

"Why,  of  course  I  do,"  replied  Mr.  Verdant  Green; 
"  besides  which,  I  have  kept  one :  he  was  an  Exmoor 
pony, — a  bay  one,  with  a  long  tail." 

"Oh,  Gig-lamps!  You'll  be  the  death  of  me  some 
fine  day,"  faintly  exclaimed  little  Mr.  Bouncer,  as  he 
slowly  recovered  from  an  exhausting  fit  of  laughter. 
"You're  as  bad  as  the  Mum  was.  A  pony  means 
twenty-five  pound,  old  feller.  But  the  Mum  didn't 
know  that;  and  when  I  wrote  to  her  and  said,  '  I  'm 
very  short ;  please  to  send  me  two  ponies ; '  meaning,  of 
course,  that  I  wanted  fifty  pound ;  what  must  she  do, 
but  write  back  and  say,  that,  with  some  difficulty,  she 
had  procured  for  me  two  Shetland  ponies,  and  that,  as 
I  was  short,  she  hoped  they  would  suit  my  size.  And, 


AN   OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE.  247 

before  I  had  time  to  send  her  another  letter,  the  two 
little  beggars  came.  Well,  I  couldn't  ride  them  both 
at  once,  like  the  fellers  do  at  Astley's;  so  I  left  one  at 
Tollitt's,  and  I  rode  the  other  down  the  High,  as  cool 
as  a  cucumber.  You  see,  though  I  ain't  a  giant,  and 
that,  yet  I  was  big  for  the  pony;  and  as  Shelties  are 
rum-looking  little  beggars,  I  dare  say  we  look'd  rather 
queer  and  original.  But  the  Proctor  happened  to  see 
me;  and  he  cut  up  so  doosed  rough  about  it,  that  I 
could  n't  show  on  the  Shelties  any  more;  and  Tollitt 
was  obliged  to  get  rid  of  them  for  me." 

"Well,  Harry,"  said  Charles  Larkyns,  "it  is  to 
Tollitt's  that  you  must  now  go,  as  you  keep  your 
horse  there.  We  want  you  to  join  us  in  a  ride." 

"What!"  cried  out  Mr.  Bouncer,  "old  Gig-lamps 
going  outside  an  Oxford  hack  once  more!  Why,  I 
thought  you'd  made  a  vow  never  to  do  so  again?" 

"Why,  I  certainly  did  so,"  replied  Mr.  Verdant 
Green;  "but  Charles  Larkyns,  during  the  holidays  — 
the  vacation,  at  least  —  was  kind  enough  to  take  me 
out  several  rides ;  so  I  have  had  a  great  deal  of  prac- 
tice since  last  term." 

"And  you  don't  require  to  be  strapped  on,  or  to  get 
inside  and  pull  down  the  blinds?"  inquired  Mr. 
Bouncer. 

"  Oh  dear,  no !  " 

The  fact  was,  that  during  the  long  vacation  Charles 
Larkyns  had  paid  considerable  attention  to  our  hero's 
equestrian  exercises;  not  so  much,  it  must  be  con- 
fessed, out  of  friendship  for  his  friend,  as  that  he 
might  have  an  opportunity  of  riding  by  the  side  of 
that  friend's  fair  sister  Mary,  for  whom  he  entertained 
something  more  than  a  partiality.  And  herein,  prob- 


248  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

ably,  Mr.  Charles  Larkyns  showed  both  taste  and 
judgment.  For  there  may  be  many  things  less  pleas- 
ant in  this  world  than  cantering  down  a  green  War- 
wickshire lane  —  on  some  soft  summer's  day  when  the 
green  is  greenest  and  the  blossoms  brightest  — •  side 
by  side  with  a  charming  girl  whose  nature  is  as 
light  and  sunny  as  the  summer  air  and  the  sum 
mer  sky.  Pleasant  it  is  to  watch  the  flushing  cheek 
glow  rosier  than  the  rosiest  of  all  the  briar -roses  that 
stoop  to  kiss  it.  Pleasant  it  is  to  look  into  the  lus- 
trous light  of  tender  eyes,  and  to  see  the  loosened 
ringlets  reeling  with  the  motion  of  the  ride.  Pleasant 
it  is  to  canter  on  from  lane  to  lane  over  soft  moss,  and 
springy  turf,  between  the  high  honeysuckle  hedges, 
and  the  broad-branched  beeches  that  meet  overhead  in 
a  tangled  embrace.  But  pleasanter  by  far  than  all  is 
it,  to  hug  to  one's  heart  the  darling  fancy  that  she 
who  is  cantering  on  by  your  side  in  all  the  witchery 
of  her  maiden  beauty,  holds  you  in  her  dearest 
thoughts,  and  dowers  you  with  all  her  wealth  of  love. 
Pleasant  rides  indeed,  pleasant  fancies,  and  pleasant 
day-dreams,  had  the  long  vacation  brought  to  Charles 
Larkyns ! 

"Well,  come  along,  Verdant,"  said  Mr.  Larkyns, 
"we'll  go  to  Charley  Symonds'  and  get  our  hacks. 
You  can  meet  us,  Harry,  just  over  the  Maudlin 
Bridge;  and  we'll  have  a  canter  along  the  Henley 
road." 

So  Mr.  Verdant  Green  and  his  friend  walked  into 
Holywell  Street,  and  passed  under  the  archway  up  to 
Symonds'  stables.  But  the  nervous  trepidation  which 
our  hero  had  felt  in  the  same  place  on  a  previous  occa- 
sion returned  with  full  force  when  his  horse  was  led 


AN   OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE. 


249 


out  in  an  exuberantly  playful  and  "fresh"  condition. 
The  beast  he  had  bestridden  during  his  long  vacation 
rides,  with  his  sister  and  his  (and  sister's)  friend,  was 
a  cob-like  steed,  whose  placidity  of  temper  was  fully 
equalled  by  its  gravity  of  demeanour;  and  who  would 


as  soon  have  thought  of  flying  over  a  five-bar  gate  as 
he  would  of  kicking  up  his  respectable  heels  both 
behind  and  before  in  the  low-lived  manner  recorded  of 
the  Ethiopian  "  old  Joe. "  But,  if  "  Charley  Symonds'  ' 
hacks  had  been  of  this  pacific  and  easy-going  kind,  it 
is  highly  probable  that  Mr.  C.  S.  and  his  stud  would 


250  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

not  have  acquired  that  popularity  which  they  had 
deservedly  achieved.  For  it  seems  to  be  a  sine-qu&- 
non  with  an  Oxford  hack,  that  to  general  showiness  of 
exterior,  it  must  add  the  power  of  enduring  any 
amount  of  hard  riding  and  rough  treatment  in  the 
course  of  the  day  which  its  pro-tern,  proprietor  may 
think  fit  to  inflict  upon  it;  it  being  an  axiom  which 
has  obtained,  as  well  in  Universities  as  in  other 
places,  that  it  is  of  no  advantage  to  hire  a  hack  unless 
you  get  out  of  him  as  much  as  you  can  for  your  money; 
you  won't  want  to  use  him  to-morrow,  so  you  don't 
care  about  over-riding  him  to-day. 

But,  all  this  time,  Mr.  Verdant  Green  is  drawing  on 
his  gloves,  in  the  nervous  manner  that  tongue-tied 
gentlemen  go  through  the  same  performance  during 
the  conversational  spasms  of  the  first-set  of  Quadrilles ; 
the  groom  is  leading  out  the  exuberantly  playful  quad- 
ruped on  whose  back  Mr.  Verdant  Green  is  to  disport 
himself;  Charles  Larkyns  is  mounted;  the  November 
sun  is  shining  brightly  on  the  perspective  of  the  yard 
and  stables,  and  the  tower  of  New  College;  the  dark 
archway  gives  one  a  peep  of  Holywell  Street ;  while 
the  cold  blue  sky  is  flecked  with  gleaming  pigeons. 

At  last,  Mr.  Verdant  Green  has  scrambled  into  his 
saddle,  and  is  riding  cautiously  down  the  yard,  while 
his  heart  beats  in  an  alarming  alarum-like  way.  As 
they  ride  under  the  archway,  there,  in  the  little  room 
underneath  it,  is  Mr.  Four-in-hand  Fosbrooke,  select- 
ing his  particular  tandem-whip  from  a  group  of  some 
two  score  of  similar  whips  kept  there  in  readiness  for 
their  respective  owners. 

"Charley,  you're  a  beast!"  says  Mr.  Fosbrooke, 
politely  addressing  himself  to  Mr.  Larkyns;  "  I  wanted 


AN   OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE. 


251 


Bouncer  to  come  with  me  in  the  cart  to  Abingdon, 
and  I  find  that  the  little  man  is  engaged  to  you." 
Upon  which,  Mr.  Fosbrooke  playfully  raising  his 
tandem- whip,  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  horse  plunges, 
and  brings  his  rider's  head  into  concussion  with  the 


lamp  which  hangs  within  the  gateway;  whereupon, 
the  hat  falls  off,  and  our  hero  is  within  an  ace  of  fol- 
lowing his  hat's  example. 

By  a  powerful  exertion,  however,  he  recovers  his 
proper  position  in  the  saddle,  and  proceeds  in  an  agi- 
tated and  jolted  condition,  by  Charles  Larkyns's  side, 
down  Holywell  Street,  past  the  Music  Room,1  and 
round  by  the  Long  Wall,  and  over  Magdalen  Bridge. 
Here  they  are  soon  joined  by  Mr.  Bouncer,  mounted, 

1  Now  used  for  the  Museum  of  the  Oxford  Architectural  Society 


252  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 


\ 


according  to  the  custom  of  small  men,  on  one  of 
Tollitt's  tallest  horses,  of  ever-so-many  hands  high. 
As  by  this  time  our  hero  has  got  more  accustomed  to 
his  steed,  his  courage  gradually  returns,  and  he  rides 

on  with  his  companions 
very  pleasantly,  enjoy- 
ing the  magnificent  dis- 
tant view  of  his  Univer- 
sity. When  they  have 
passed  Cowley,  some 
very  tempting  fences 
are  met  with;  and  Mr. 
Bouncer  and  Mr.  Lar- 
kyns,  being  unable  to 
resist  their  fascina- 
tions, put  their  horses 
at  them,  and  leap  in  and 
out  of  the  road  in  an  in- 
sane Vandycking  kind 

of  way;  while  an  excited  agriculturist,  whose  smock- 
frock  heaves  with  indignation,  pours  down  denuncia- 
tions on  their  heads. 

"Blow  that  bucolical  party!"  says  Mr.  Bouncer; 
"he's  no  right  to  interfere  with  the  enjoyments  of 
the  animals.  If  they  break  the  fences,  it  ain't  their 
faults  ;  it 's  the  fault  of  the  farmers  for  not  making  the 
fences  strong  enough  to  bear  them.  Come  along,  Gig- 
lamps!  put  your  beast  at  that  hedge!  he'll  take  you 
over  as  easy  as  if  you  were  sitting  in  an  arm-chair. " 
But  Mr.  Verdant  Green  has  doubts  about  the  perfor- 
mance of  this  piece  of  equestrian  upholstery;  and, 
thinking  that  the  arm-chair  would  soon  become  a 
reclining  one,  he  is  firm  in  his  refusal  to  put  the  leap- 


AN   OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE. 


253 


ing  powers  of  his  steed  to  the  test.  But  having, 
afterwards,  obtained  some  "jumping  powder"  at  a 
certain  small  road-side  hostelry  to  which  Mr.  Bouncer 
has  piloted  the  party,  our  hero,  on  his  way  back  to 
Oxford,  screws  up  his  courage  sufficiently  to  gallop  his 
steed  desperately  at  a  ditch  which  yawns,  a  foot  wide, 
before  him.  But  to  his  immense  astonishment  —  not 


'(r'":»V   if  4f  ?-  ~^-' ~>  *r  /^^if^!. 

%?  cl»taQa^te  rfu^/.. 


to  say,  disgust  —  the  obtuse-minded  quadruped  gives 
a  leap  which  would  have  taken  him  clear  over  a  canal; 
and  our  hero,  not  being  prepared  for  this  very  needless 
display  of  agility,  flies  off  the  saddle  at  a  tangent,  and 
finds  that  his  "vaulting  ambition"  had  o'erleap'd  it- 
self, and  fallen  on  the  other  side  —  of  the  ditch. 

"It  ain't  your  fault,  Gig-lamps!"  says  Mr.  Bouncer, 
when  he  has  galloped  after  Verdant's  steed,  and  has 
led  it  up  to  him,  and  when  he  has  ascertained  that  his 
friend  is  not  in  the  least  hurt ;  but  has  only  broken  — 
his  glasses ;  "  it  ain't  your  fault,  Gig-lamps,  old  feller ! 
it  's  the  clumsiness  of  the  hack.  He  tossed  you  up, 
and  couldn't  catch  you  again!" 


254   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

And  so  our  hero  rides  back  to  Oxford.  But  before 
the  Term  has  ended,  he  has  become  more  accustomed 
to  Oxford  hacks,  and  has  made  himself  acquainted 
with  the  respective  merits  of  the  stables  of  Messrs. 
Symonds,  Tollitt,  and  Pigg;  and  has,  moreover,  ridden 
with  the  drag,  and,  in  this  way,  hunted  the  fabled 
foxes  of  Bagley  Wood,  and  Whichwood  Forest. 


CHAPTER  VI. 

MR.  VERDANT  GREEN  FEATHERS  HIS  OARS  WITH  SKILL 
AND  DEXTERITY. 

IV  TOVEMBER  is  not  always  the  month  of  fog  and 
1  i  mist  and  dulness.  Oftentimes  there  are  brilliant 
exceptions  to  that  generally-received  rule  of  depress- 
ing weather,  which,  in  this  month  (according  to  our 
lively  neighbours),  induces  the  natives  of  our  Eng- 
lish metropolis  to  leap  in  crowds  from  the  Bridge 
of  Waterloo.  There  are  in  November  days  of  calm 
beauty,  which  are  peculiar  to  that  month  —  that  kind 
of  calm  beauty  which  is  so  often  seen  as  the  herald  of 
decay. 

But,  whatever  weather  the  month  may  bring  to  Ox- 
ford, it  never  brings  gloom  or  despondency  to  Oxford 
men.  They  are  a  happily  constituted  set  of  beings, 
and  can  always  create  their  own  amusements ;  they 
crown  Minerva  with  flowers  without  heeding  her  influ- 
17 


2$6   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

enza,  and  never  seem  to  think  that  the  rosy-bosomed 
Hours  may  be  laid  up  with  bronchitis.  Winter  and 
summer  appear  to  be  pretty  much  the  same  to  them : 
reading  and  recreation  go  hand-in-hand  all  the  year 


round;  and,  among  other  pleasures,  that  of  boating 
finds  as  many  votaries  in  cold  November,  as  it  did  in 
sunny  June  —  indeed,  the  chillness  of  the  air,  in  the 
former  month,  gives  zest  to  an  amusement  which 
degenerates  to  hard  labour  in  the  dog-days.  The 
classic  Isis  in  the  month  of  November,  therefore, 


AN   OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE.  257 

whenever  the  weather  is  any  thing  like  favourable, 
presents  an  animated  scene.  Eight-oars  pass  along, 
the  measured  pull  of  the  oars  in  the  rowlocks  marking 
the  time  in  musical  cadence  with  their  plashing  dip 
in  the  water;  perilous  skiffs  flit  like  fire-flies  over  the 
glassy  surface  of  the  river;  men  lounge  about  in  the 
house-boats  and  barges,  or  gather  together  at  King's, 
or  Hall's,  and  industriously  promulgate  small  talk  and 
tobacco-smoke.  All  is  gay  and  bustling.  Although 
the  feet  of  the  strollers  in  the  Christ-Church  meadows 
rustle  through  the  sere  and  yellow  leaf,  yet  rich  masses 
of  brown  and  russet  foliage  still  hang  upon  the  trees, 
and  light  up  into  gold  in  the  sun.  The  sky  is  of  a 
cold  but  bright  blue;  the  distant  hills  and  woods  are 
mellowed  into  sober  purplish-grey  tints,  but  over  them 
the  sun  looks  down  with  that  peculiar  red  glow  which 
is  only  seen  in  November. 

It  was  one  of  these  bright  days  of  "the  month  of 
gloom,"  that  Mr.  Verdant  Green  and  Mr.  Charles 
Larkyns  being  in  the  room  of  their  friend  Mr.  Boun- 
cer, the  little  gentleman  inquired,  "Now  then!  what 
are  you  two  fellers  up  to?  I  'm  game  for  any  thing, 
I  am!  from  pitch-and-toss  to  manslaughter." 

"I  'm  afraid,"  said  Charles  Larkyns,  "that  we  can't 
accommodate  you  in  either  amusement,  although  we 
are  going  down  to,  the  river,  with  which  Verdant 
wishes  to  renew  his  acquaintance.  Last  term,  you 
remember,  you  picked  him  up  in  the  Gut,  when  he 
had  been  played  with  at  pitch-and-toss  in  a  way  that 
very  nearly  resembled  manslaughter." 

"  I  remember,  I  remember,  how  old  Gig-lamps  floated 
by!"  said  Mr.  Bouncer;  "you  looked  like  a  half-bred 
mermaid,  Gig-lamps." 


258   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

"But  the  gallant  youth,"  continued  Mr.  Larkyns, 
"undismayed  by  the  perils  from  which  he  was  then 
happily  preserved,  has  boldly  come  forward  and 
declared  himself  a  worshipper  of  Isis,  in  a  way  wor- 
thy of  the  ancient  Egyptians,  or  of  Tom  Moore's 
Epicurean." 


"Well!  stop  a  minute,  you  fellers,"  said  Mr.  Boun- 
cer; "I  must  have  my  beer  first:  I  can't  do  without 
my  Bass  relief.  I  'm  like  the  party  in  the  old  song, 
and  I  likes  a  drop  of  good  beer."  And  as  he  uncorked 
a  bottle  of  Bass,  little  Mr.  Bouncer  sang,  in  notes  as 
musical  as  those  produced  from  his  own  tin  horn  — 


"  'Twixt  wet  and  dry  I  always  try 

Between  the  extremes  to  steer; 
Though  I  always  shrunk  from  getting 
I  was  always  fond  of  my  beer ! 


intoxicated, 


AN  OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE.  259 

For  I  likes  a  drop  of  good  beer ! 
I  'm  particularly  partial  to  beer ! 

Porter  and  swipes 

Always  give  me  the stomach-ache  ! 

But  that 's  never  the  case  with  beer !  " 

"Bravo,  Harry!"  cried  Charles  Larkyns;  "you 
roar  us  an  't  were  any  nightingale.  It  would  do  old 
Bishop  Still's  heart  good  to  hear  you;  and  'sure  / 
think  that  you  can  drink  with  any  that  wears  a  hood, ' 
or  that  will  wear  a  hood  when  you  take  your  Bache- 
lor's, and  put  on  your  gown."  And  Charles  Larkyns 
sang,  rather  more  musically  than  Mr.  Bouncer  had 
done,  from  that  song  which,  three  centuries  ago,  the 
Bishop  had  written  in  praise  of  good  ale,  — 

Let  back  and  side  go  bare,  go  bare, 

Both  hand  and  foot  go  cold : 
But,  belly,  God  send  thee  good  ale  enough, 

Whether  it  be  new  or  old. 

They  were  soon  down  at  the  river  side,  where 
Verdant  was  carefully  put  into  a  tub  (alas!  the  dear, 
awkward,  safe,  old  things  are  fast  passing  away;  they 
are  giving  place  to  suicidal  skiffs,  and  will  soon  be 
numbered  among  the  boats  of  other  days ! )  —  and  was 
started  off  with  almost  as  much  difficulty  as  on  his 
first  essay.  The  tub  —  which  was,  indeed,  his  old 
friend  the  "Sylph," — betrayed  an  awkward  propensity 
for  veering  round  towards  Folly  Bridge,  which  our 
hero  at  first  failed  to  overcome;  and  it  was  not  until 
he  had  performed  a  considerable  amount  of  crab-catch- 
ing, that  he  was  enabled  to  steer  himself  in  the  proper 
direction.  Charles  Larkyns  had  taken  his  seat  in  an 
outrigger  skiff  (so  frail  and  shaky  that  it  made  Verdant 
nervous  to  look  at  it),  and,  with  one  or  two  powerful 


260   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

strokes,  had  shot  ahead,  backed  water,  turned,  and 
pulled  back  round  the  tub  long  before  Verdant  had 
succeeded  in  passing  that  eccentric  mansion,  to  which 
allusion  has  before  been  made,  as  possessing  in  the 
place  of  cellars,  an  ingenious  system  of  small  rivers 
to  thoroughly  irrigate  its  foundation  —  a  hydropathic 
treatment  which  may  (or  may  not)  be  agreeable  in 


Venice,  but  strikes  one  as  being  decidedly  cold  and 
comfortless  when  applied  to  Oxford,  — •  at  any  rate,  in 
the  month  of  November.  Walking  on  the  lawn  which 
stretched  from  this  house  towards  the  river,  our  hero 
espied  two  extremely  pretty  young  ladies,  whose  hearts 
he  endeavoured  at  once  to  take  captive  by  displaying 
all  his  powers  in  that  elegant  exercise  in  which  they 
saw  him  engaged.  It  may  reasonably  be  presumed 
that  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  hopes  were  doomed  to  be 
blighted. 

Let  us  leave  him,  and  take  a  look  at  Mr.  Bouncer. 

Mr.  Bouncer  had  been  content  to  represent  the 
prowess  of  his  college  in  the  cricket-field,  and  had 


AN   OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE.  26l 

never  aspired  to  any  fame  as  an  oar.  The  exertions, 
as  well  as  the  fame,  of  aquatic  honours,  he  had  left  to 
Mr.  Blades,  and  those  others  like  him,  who  considered 
it  a  trifle  to  pull  down  to  Iffley  and  back  again,  two  or 
three  times  a  day,  at  racing  pace  with  a  fresh  spurt 
put  on  every  five  minutes.  Mr.  Bouncer,  too,  had  an 
antipathy  to  eat  beefsteaks  otherwise  than  in  the  state 
in  which  they  are  usually  brought  to  table;  and,  as  it 
seemed  a  sine  qnd  non  with  the  gentleman  who  super- 
intended the  training  for  the  boat-races,  that  his  pupils 
should  daily  devour  beefsteaks  which  had  merely 
looked  at  the  fire,  Mr.  Bouncer,  not  having  been 
brought  up  to  cannibal  habits,  was  unable  to  conform 
himself  to  this,  and  those  other  vital  principles  which 
seemed  to  regulate  the  science  of  aquatic  training. 
The  little  gentleman,  moreover,  did  not  join  with  the 
"  Torpids "  (as  the  second  boats  of  a  college  are 
called),  either,  because  he  had  a  soul  above  them,  — 
he  would  be  aut  Ccesar,  aut  nullus  ;  either  in  the  eight, 
or  nowhere,  — or  else,  because  even  the  Torpids  would 
cause  him  more  trouble  and  pleasurable  pain  than  would 
be  agreeable  to  him.  When  Mr.  Bouncer  sat  down 
on  any  hard  substance,  he  liked  to  be  able  to  do  so 
without  betraying  any  emotion  that  the  action  caused 
him  personal  discomfort ;  and  he  had  noticed  that  many 
of  the  Torpids  —  not  to  mention  one  or  two  of  the 
eight  —  were  more  particular  than  young  men  usually 
are  about  having  a  very  easy,  soft,  and  yielding  chair 
to  sit  on. 

Mr.  Bouncer,  too,  was  of  opinion  that  continued  blis- 
ters were  both  unsightly  and  unpleasant ;  and  that 
rawness  was  bad  enough  when  taken  in  conjunction  with 
beefsteaks,  without  being  extended  to  one's  own  hands. 


262  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

He  had  also  a  summer  passion  for  ices  and  creams,  which 
were  forbidden  luxuries  to  one  in  training, — although 
(paradoxical  as  it  may  seem  to  say  so)  they  trained  on 
Isis !  He  had  also  acquired  a  bad  habit  of  getting  up 
in  one  day,  and  going  to  bed  in  the  next,  —  keeping 
late  hours,  and  only  rising  early  when  absolutely  com- 
pelled to  do  so  in  order  to  keep  morning  chapel  —  a 
habit  which  the  trainer  would  have  interfered  with 
considerably  to  the  little  gentleman's  advantage.  He 
had  also  an  amiable  weakness  for  pastry,  port,  claret, 
"  et  hock  genus  omne ;  "  and  would  have  felt  it  a  cruelty 
to  have  been  deprived  of  his  daily  modicum  of 
"  smoke  ;  "  and  in  all  these  points,  boat-training  would 
have  materially  interfered  with  his  comfort. 

Mr.  Bouncer,  therefore,  amused  himself  equally  as 
much  to  his  own  satisfaction  as  if  he  had  been  one  of 
the  envied  eight,  by  occasionally  paddling  about  with 
Charles  Larkyns  in  an  old  pair-oar,  built  by  Davis  and 
King,  and  bought  by  Mr.  Bouncer  of  its  late  Brazenfa- 
cian  proprietor,  when  that  gentleman,  after  a  humorous 
series  of  plucks,  rustications,  and  heavy  debts,  had 
finally  been  compelled  to  migrate  to  the  King's  Bench, 
for  that  purification  of  purse  and  person  commonly 
designated  "  whitewashing."  When  Charles  Larkyns 
and  his  partner  did  not  use  their  pair-oar,  the  former 
occupied  his  outrigger  skiff;  and  the  latter,  taking  Huz 
and  Buz  on  board  a  sailing  boat,  tacked  up  and  down 
the  river  with  great  skill,  the  smoke  gracefully  curling 
from  his  meerschaum  or  short  black  pipe,  —  for  Mr. 
Bouncer  disapproved  of  smoking  cigars  at  those  times 
when  the  wind  would  have  assisted  him  to  get  through 
them. 

"  Hullo,  Gig-lamps !  here  we  are !  as  the  clown  says 


AN   OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE.  263 

in  the  pantermime,"  sung  out  the  little  gentleman  as  he 
came  up  with  our  hero,  who  was  performing  some 
extraordinary  feats  in  full  sight  of  the  University  crew, 
who  were  just  starting  from  their  barge;  "you  get  no 
end  of  exercise  out  of  your  tub,  I  should  think,  by  the 


style  you  work  those  paddles.  They  go  in  and  out 
beautiful !  Splish,  splash ;  splish,  splash !  You  must 
be  one  of  the  wherry  identical  Row-brothers-row,  whose 
voices  kept  tune  and  whose  oars  kept  time,  you  know. 
You  ought  to  go  and  splish-splash  in  the  Freshman's 
River,  Gig-lamps;  but  I  forgot — you  ain't  a  freshman 
now,  are  you,  old  feller?  Those  swells  in  the  University 
boats  look  as  though  they  were  bursting  with  envy  — 
not  to  say,  with  laughter,"  added  Mr.  Bouncer,  sotto  voce. 
"  Who  taught  you  to  do  the  dodge  in  such  a  stunning 
way,  Gig-lamps?  " 

"  Why,  last  term,  Charles  Larkyns  did,"  responded 
Mr.  Verdant  Green,  with  the  freshness  of  a  Freshman 
still  lingering  lovingly  upon  him.  "  I  've  not  forgotten 
what  he  told  me,  —  to  put  in  my  oar  deep,  and  to  bring 


264  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

it  out  with  a  jerk.  But  though  I  make  them  go  as  deep 
as  I  can,  and  jerk  them  out  as  much  as  possible,  yet  the 
boat  will  keep  turning  round,  and  I  can't  keep  it 
straight  at  all ;  and  the  oars  are  very  heavy  and  unman- 
ageable, and  keep  slipping  out  of  the  rowlocks  —  " 

"  Commonly  called  rullocks,"  put  in  Mr.  Bouncer,  as 
a  parenthetical  correction,  or  marginal  note  on  Mr.  Ver- 
dant Green's  words. 

"  And  when  the  Trinity  boat  went  by,  I  could  scarcely 
get  out  of  their  way;  and  they  said  very  unpleasant 
things  to  me ;  and,  altogether,  I  can  assure  you  that  it 
has  made  me  very  hot." 

"  And  a  capital  thing,  too,  Gig-lamps,  this  cold 
November  day,"  said  Mr.  Bouncer;  "I'm  obliged  to 
keep  my  coppers  warm  with  this  pea-coat,  and  my  pipe. 
Charley  came  alongside  me  just  now,  on  purpose  to  fire 
off  one  of  his  poetical  quotations.  He  said  that  I 
reminded  him  of  Beattie's  '  Minstrel ' :  — 

'  Dainties  he  heeded  not,  nor  gaud,  nor  toy, 
Save  one  short  pipe.' 

I  think  that  was  something  like  it.  But  you  see,  Gig- 
lamps,  I  have  n't  got  a  figure-head  for  these  sort  of 
things  like  Charley  has,  so  I  could  n't  return  his  shot; 
but  since  then,  to  me  deeply  pondering,  as  those  old 
Greek  parties  say,  a  fine  sample  of  our  superior  old 
crusted  jokes  has  come  to  hand ;  and  when  Charley 
next  pulls  alongside,  I  shall  tell  him  that  I  am  like  that 
beggar  we  read  about  in  old  Slowcoach's  lecture  the 
other  day,  and  that,  if  I  had  been  in  the  humour,  I 
could  have  sung  out,  lo  Bacche  ! *  I  owe  baccy  —  d'  ye 

1 "  Si  collibuisset,  ab  ovo 

Usque  ad  mala  citaret,  lo  Bacche !  "  —  Hor.  Sat.  lib.  I.  3. 


AN  OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE. 


265 


see,  Gig-lamps?  Well,  old  feller  !  you  look  rather 
puffed,  so  clap  on  your  coat ;  and,  if  there  's  a  rope's 
end,  or  a  chain,  in  your  tub,  and  you  '11  just  pay  it  out 
here,  I  '11  make  you  fast  astern,  and  pull  you  down  the 
river ;  and  then  you  '11  be  in  prime  condition  to  work 
yourself  up  again.  The  wind 's  in  our  back,  and  we  shall 
get  on  jolly." 

So  our  hero  made  fast  the  tub  to  his  friend's  sailing- 
boat,  and  was  towed  as  far  as  the  Haystack.     During 
the  voyage  Mr.  Bouncer 
ascertained     that     Mr. 
Charles     Larkyns     had 
improved    some  of  the 
shining  hours  of  the  long 
vacation  considerably  to 
Mr.     Verdant     Green's 
benefit,  by  teaching  him 
the  art  of  swimming  — 
a  polite  accomplishment 
of  which  our  hero  had 
been  hitherto  ignorant. 
Little    Mr.  Bouncer, 
therefore,  felt   easier  in 
his  mind,  if  any  repeti- 
tion   of  his  involuntary 
bath  in  the  Gut  should 
befall  our    hero  ;     and, 
after  giving   him  (won- 
derful to  say)  some  correct  advice  regarding  the  man- 
agement of  the  oars,  he  cast  off  the  "  Sylph,"   and  left 
her  and  our  hero  to  their  own  devices.     But,  profiting 
by  the  friendly  hints  which  he  had  received,  Mr.  Ver- 
dant Green  made  considerable  progress  in  the  skill  and 


266  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

dexterity  with  which  he  feathered  his  oars ;  and  he  sat 
in  his  tub  looking  as  wise  as  Diogenes  may  (perhaps) 
have  done  in  his.  He  moreover  pulled  the  boat  back 
to  Hall's  without  meeting  with  any  accident  worth  men- 
tioning ;  and  when  he  had  got  on  shore  he  was  highly 
complimented  by  Mr.  Blades  and  a  group  of  boating 
gentlemen  "  for  the  admirable  display  of  science  which 
he  had  afforded  them." 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  was  afterwards  taken  alternately 
by  Charles  Larkyns  and  Mr.  Bouncer  in  their  pair-oar ; 
so  that,  by  the  end  of  the  term,  he  at  any  rate  knew 
more  of  boating  than  to  accept  as  one  of  its  fundamental 
rules,  "  put  your  oar  in  deep,  and  bring  it  out  with  a 
jerk." 

In  the  first  week  in  December  he  had  an  opportunity 
of  pulling  over  a  fresh  piece  of  water.  One  of  those 
inundations  occurred  to  which  Oxford  is  so  liable,  and 
the  meadow-land  to  the  south  and  west  of  the  city  was 
covered  by  the  flood.  Boats  plied  to  and  from  the  rail- 
way station  in  place  of  omnibuses ;  the  Great  Western 
was  not  to  be  seen  for  water;  and,  at  the  Abingdon- 
road  bridge,  at  Cold-harbour,  the  rails  were  washed 
away,  and  the  trains  brought  to  a  stand-still.  The  Isis 
was  amplified  to  the  width  of  the  Christ-church  mead- 
ows ;  the  Broad  Walk  had  a  peep  of  itself  upside  down 
in  the  glassy  mirror;  the  windings  of  the  Cherwell 
could  only  be  traced  by  the  trees  on  its  banks.  There 

was 

"  Water,  water  everywhere  ;  " 

and  a  disagreeable  quantity  of  it  too,  as  those  Christ- 
church  men  whose  ground-floor  rooms  were  towards 
the  meadows  soon  discovered.  Mr.  Bouncer  is  sup- 
posed to  have  brought  out  one  of  his  "  fine,  old,  crusted 


AN   OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE. 


267 


jokes,"  when  he  asserted  in  reference  to  the  inunda- 
tion, that  "  Nature  had  assumed  a  lake  complexion." 
Posts  and  rails,  and  hay,  and  a  miscellaneous  collection 
of  articles,  were  swept  along  by  the  current,  together 
with  the  bodies  of  hapless  sheep  and  pigs.  But,  in 
spite  of  these  incumbrances,  boats  of  all  descriptions 
were  to  be  seen  sailing,  pulling,  skiffmg,  and  punting, 


over  the  flooded  meadows.     Numerous  were  the  dis- 
asters, and  many  were  the  boats  that  were  upset. 

Indeed,  the  adventures  of  Mr.  Verdant  Green  would 
probably  have  here  terminated  in  a  misadventure,  had 
he  not  (thanks  to  Charles  Larkyns)  mastered  the  art  of 
swimming;  for  he  was  in  Mr.  Bouncer's  sailing-boat, 
which  was  sailing  very  merrily  over  the  flood,  when  its 
merriness  was  suddenly  checked  by  its  grounding  on  the 
stump  of  a  lopped  pollard  willow,  and  forthwith  capsiz- 
ing. Our  hero,  who  had  been  sitting  in  the  bows,  was 
at  once  swept  over  by  the  sail,  and,  for  a  moment,  was 
in  great  peril ;  but,  disengaging  himself  from  the  cord- 


268   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

age,  he  struck  out,  and  swam  to  a  willow  whose  friendly 
boughs  and  top  had  just  formed  an  asylum  for  Mr. 
Bouncer,  who  in  great  anxiety  was  coaxing  Huz  and 
Buz  to  swim  to  the  same  ark  of  safety. 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  and  Mr.  Bouncer  were  speedily 
rescued  from  their  position,  and  were  not  a  little  thank- 
ful for  their  escape. 


CHAPTER  VII. 


MR.   VERDANT  GREEN   PARTAKES   OF  A  DOVE-TART 
AND  A  SPREAD-EAGLE. 

"  T  T  ULLO,  Gig-lamps,  you  lazy  beggar !  "  said  the 
i-  1  cheery  voice  of  little  Mr.  Bouncer,  as  he 
walked  into  our  hero's  bedroom  one  morning  towards 
the  end  of  term,  and  found  Mr.  Verdant  Green  in  bed, 
though  sufficiently  awakened  by  the  sounding  of  Mr. 
Bouncer's  octaves  for  the  purposes  of  conversation ; 
"  this  '11  never  do,  you  know,  Gig-lamps  !  Cutting 
chapel  to  do  the  downy !  Why,  what  do  you  mean,  sir? 
Did  n't  you  ever  learn  in  the  nursery  what  happened 
to  old  Daddy  Longlegs  when  he  would  n  't  say  his 
prayers?" 


2/0   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

"  Robert  did  call  me,"  said  our  hero,  rubbing  his  eyes; 
"  but  I  felt  tired,  so  I  told  him  to  put  in  an  czger" 

"  Upon  my  word,  young  'un,"  observed  Mr.  Bouncer, 
"  you  're  a  coming  it,  you  are  !  and  only  in  your  second 
term,  too.  What  makes  you  wear  a  nightcap,  Gig- 
lamps?  Is  it  to  make  your  hair  curl,  or  to  keep  your 


venerable  head  warm?  Nightcaps  ain't  healthy;  they 
are  only  fit  for  long-tailed  babbies,  and  old  birds  that 
are  as  bald  as  coots ;  or  else  for  gents  that  grease  their 
wool  with  '  thine  incomparable  oil,  Macassar,'  as  the 
noble  poet  justly  remarks. 

"  It  ain'  t  always  pleasant,"  continued  the  little  gentle- 
man, who  was  perched  up  on  the  side  of  the  bed,  and 
seemed  in  a  communicative  disposition,  "  it  ain't  always 
pleasant  to  turn  out  for  morning  chapel,  is  it,  Gig- 


AN  OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE.  2/1 

lamps?  But  it 's  just  like  the  eels  with  their  skinning: 
it  goes  against  the  grain  at  first,  but  you  soon  get  used 
to  it.  When  I  first  came  up,  I  was  a  frightful  lazy 
beggar,  and  I  got  such  a  heap  of  impositions  for  not 
keeping  my  morning  chapels,  that  I  was  obliged  to 
have  three  fellers  constantly  at  work  writing  'em  out  for 
me.  This  was  rather  expensive,  you  see ;  and  then  the 
dons  threatened  to  take  away  my  term  altogether,  and 


bring  me  to  grief,  if  I  didn't  be  more  regular.  So  I 
was  obliged  to  make  a  virtuous  resolution,  and  I  told 
Robert  that  he  was  to  insist  on  my  getting  up  in  a 
morning,  and  I  should  tip  him  at  the  end  of  term  if  he 
succeeded.  So  at  first  he  used  to  come  and  hammer 
at  the  door ;  but  that  was  no  go.  So  then  he  used  to 
come  in  and  shake  me,  and  try  to  pull  the  clothes  off; 
but,  you  see,  I  always  used  to  prepare  for  him,  by  tak- 
ing a  good  supply  of  boots  and  things  to  bed  with  me; 
so  I  was  able  to  take  shies  at  the  beggar  till  he  vanished, 
and  left  me  to  snooze  peaceably.  You  see,  it  ain't 
every  feller  as  likes  to  have  a  Wellington  boot  at  his 
18 


2/2   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

head  ;  but  that  rascal  oi  a  Robert  is  used  to  those  trifles, 
and  I  was  obliged  to  try  another  dodge.  This  you 
know  was  only  of  a  morning  when  I  was  in  bed.  When 
I  had  had  my  breakfast,  and  got  my  imposition,  and 
become  virtuous  again,  I  used  to  slang  him  awful  for 
having  let  me  cut  chapel ;  and  then  I  told  him  that  he 
must  always  stand  at  the  door  until  he  heard  me  out  of 
bed.  But,  when  the  morning  came,  it  seemed  running 
such  a  risk,  you  see,  to  one's  lungs  and  all  those  sort 
of  things  to  turn  out  of  the  warm  bed  into  the  cold 
chapel,  that  I  would  answer  Robert  when  he  hammered 
at  the  door;  but,  instead  of  getting  up,  I  would  knock 
my  boots  against  the  floor,  as  though  I  was  out  of  bed, 
don't  you  see,  and  was  padding  about.  But  that  wretch 
of  a  Robert  was  too  old  a  bird  to  be  caught  with  this 
dodge ;  so  he  used  to  sing  out,  '  You  must  show  a  leg, 
sir !  '  and,  as  he  kept  on  hammering  at  the  door  till  I 
did —  for,  you  see,  Gig-lamps,  he  was  looking  out  for  the 
tip  at  the  end  of  term,  so  it  made  him  persevere — • 
and  as  his  beastly  hammering  used,  of  course,  to  put  a 
stopper  on  my  going  to  sleep  again,  I  used  to  rush  out 
in  a  frightful  state  of  wax,  and  show  a  leg.  And  then, 
being  well  up,  you  see,  it  was  no  use  doing  the  downy 
again,  so  it  was  just  as  well  to  make  one's  twilight  and 
go  to  chapel.  Don't  gape,  Gig-lamps ;  it 's  beastly  rude, 
and  I  have  n't  done  yet.  I  'm  going  to  tell  you  another 
dodge — one  of  old  Smalls'.  He  invested  money  in  an 
alarum,  with  a  string  from  it  tied  on  to  the  bed-clothes, 
so  as  to  pull  them  off  at  whatever  time  you  chose  to 
set  it.  But  I  never  saw  the  fun  of  being  left  high  and 
dry  on  your  bed :  it  would  be  a  shock  to  the  system 
which  I  could  n't  stand.  But  even  this  dreadful  expe- 
dient would  be  better  than  posting  an  ceger ;  which,  you 


AN   OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE.  2/3 

know,  you  did  n't  ought  to  was,  Gig-lamps.  Well,  turn 
out,  old  feller !  I  've  told  Robert  to  take  your  com- 
mons l  into  my  room.  Smalls  and  Charley  are  coming, 
and  I  've  got  a  dove-tart  and  a  spread-eagle." 

"  Whatever  are  they?  "  asked  Mr.  Verdant  Green. 

"  Not  know  what  they  are !  "  cried  Mr.  Bouncer ; 
"  why  a  dove-tart  is  what  mortals  call  a  pigeon-pie.  I 
ain't  much  in  Tennyson's  line,  but  it  strikes  me  that 
dove-tarts  are  more  poetical  than  the  other  thing; 
spread-eagle  is  a  barn-door  fowl  smashed  out  flat,  and 
made  jolly  with  mushroom  sauce,  and  no  end  of  good 
things.  I  don't  know  how  they  squash  it,  but  I  should 
say  that  they  sit  upon  it;  I  daresay,  if  we  were  to 
inquire,  we  should  find  that  they  kept  a  fat  feller  on 
purpose.  But  you  just  come,  and  try  how  it  eats." 
And,  as  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  bedroom  barely  afforded 
standing  room,  even  for  one,  Mr.  Bouncer  walked  into 
the  sitting-room,  while  his  friend  arose  from  his  couch 
like  a  youthful  Adonis,  and  proceeded  to  bathe  his 
ambrosial  person,  by  taking  certain  sanatory  measures 
in  splashing  about  in  a  species  of  tub  —  a  performance 
which  Mr.  Bouncer  was  wont  to  term  "  doing  tumbies." 

"What '11  you  take  for  your  letters,  Gig-lamps?" 
called  out  the  little  gentleman  from  the  other  room; 
"  the  Post 's  in,  and  here  are  three  for  you.  Two  are 
from  women,  — young  uns  I  should  say,  from  the  regu- 

i  The  rations  of  bread,  butter,  and  milk,  supplied  from  the  but- 
tery. The  breakfast-giver  tells  his  scout  the  names  of  those 
/^-college  men  who  are  coming  to  breakfast  with  him.  The  scout 
then  collects  their  commons,  which  thus  forms  the  substratum  of 
the  entertainment.  The  other  things  are  of  course  supplied  by  the 
giver  of  the  breakfast,  and  are  sent  in  by  the  confectioner.  As  to 
the  knives  and  forks  and  crockery,  the  scout  produces  them  from 
his  common  stock. 


2/4  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR,  VERDANT  GREEN, 

lar  ups  and  downs,  and  right  angles:  they  look  like 
billyduxes.  Give  you  a  bob  for  them,  at  a  venture ! 
they  may  be  funny.  The  other  is  suspiciously  like  a 
tick,  and  ought  to  be  looked  shy  on.  I  should  advise 
you  not  to  open  it,  but  to  pitch  it  in  the  fire :  it  may 
save  a  fit  of  the  blues.  If  you  want  any  help  over  shaving, 
just  say  so,  Gig-lamps,  will  you,  before  I  go ;  and  then  I  '11 
hold  your  nose  for  you,  or  do  any  thing  else  that 's  civil 
and  accommodating.  And,  when  you  Ve  done  your 
tumbies,  come  in  to  the  dove-tart  and  the  spread-eagle." 
And  off  went  Mr.  Bouncer,  making  terrible  noises  with 
his  post-horn,  in  his  strenuous  but  futile  endeavours  to 
discover  the  octaves. 

Our  hero  soon  concluded  his  "tumbies"  and  his 
dressing  (not  including  the  shaving),  and  made  his  way 
to  Mr.  Bouncer's  rooms,  where  he  did  full  justice  to  the 
dove-tart,  and  admired  the  spread-eagle  so  much,  that 
he  thought  of  bribing  the  confectioner  for  the  recipe  to 
take  home  as  a  Christmas-box  for  his  mother. 

"  Well,  Gig-lamps,"  said  Mr.  Bouncer,  when  breakfast 
was  over,  "to  spare  the  blushes  on  your  venerable 
cheeks,  I  won't  even  so  much  as  refer  to  the  billyduxes ; 
but,  I  '11  only  ask,  what  was  the  damage  of  the  tick?  " 

"  Oh  !  it  was  not  a  bill,"  replied  Mr.  Verdant  Green  ; 
"  it  was  a  letter  about  a  dog  from  the  man  of  whom  I 
bought  Mop  last  term." 

"What!  Filthy  Lucre?  "  cried  Mr.  Bouncer;  "well, 
I  thought,  somehow,  I  knew  the  fist !  he  writes  just  as 
if  he  'd  learnt  from  imitating  his  dogs'  hind-legs.  Let 's 
have  a  sight  of  it  if  it  ain't  private  and  confidential !  " 

"  Oh  dear  no !  on  the  contrary,  I  was  going  to  show 
it  to  you,  and  ask  your  advice  on  the  contents."  And 
Verdant  handed  to  Mr.  Bouncer  a  letter,  which  had 


AN   OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE.  275 

been  elaborately  sealed  with  the  aid  of  a  key,  and  was 
directed  high  up  in  the  left-hand  corner  to 

"  Virdon  grene  as*™  braisenface 
collidge  Oxford." 

"  You  look  beastly  lazy,  Charley !  "  said  Mr.  Bouncer 
to  Mr.  Charles  Larkyns  ;  "  so,  while  I  fill  my  pipe,  just 
spit  out  the  letter,  pro  bono."  And  Charles  Larkyns, 
lying  in  Mr.  Bouncer's  easiest  lounging  chair,  read  as 
follows :  — 

"  Onnerd  sir  i  tak  the  libbaty  of  a  Dressin  of  you  in  respex  of 
A  dog  which  i  wor  sorry  For  to  ear  of  your  Loss  in  mop  which  i 
had  The  pleshur  of  Sellin  of  2  you  onnerd  sir  A  going  astray  And 
not  a  turnin  hup  Bein  of  A  unsurtin  Tempor  and  guv  to  A  folarin 
of  strandgers  which  wor  maybe  as  ow  You  wor  a  lusein  on  him 
onnerd  Sir  bein  Overdogd  at  this  ere  present  i  can  let  you  have  A 
rale  good  teryer  at  A  barrging  which  wold  giv  sattefacshun  onnered 
Sir  it  wor  12  munth  ago  i  Sold  to  Bounser  esqre  a  red  smooth  air 
terier  Dog  anserin  2  nam  of  Tug  as  wor  rite  down  goodun  and  No 
mistake  onnerd  Sir  the  purpurt  Of  this  ere  is  too  say  as  ow  i 
have  a  Hone  brother  to  Tug  black  tann  and  ful  ears  and  If  you 
wold  like  him  i  shold  bee  prowd  too  wate  on  you  onnerd  Sir  he 
wor  by  robbingsons  Twister  out  of  mister  jones  of  abingdons  Fan 
of  witch  brede  Bounser  esqre  nose  on  the  merritts  onnerd  Sir  he 
is  very  Smal  and  smooth  air  and  most  xlent  aither  for  wood  Or 
warter  a  liter  before  Tug  onnerd  Sir  is  nam  is  Vermin  and  he 
hant  got  his  nam  by  no  mistake  as  No  Vermin  not  even  poll  katts 
can  live  long  before  him  onnerd  Sir  I  considders  as  vermin  is 
very  sootble  compannion  for  a  Gent  indors  or  hout  and  bein  lively 
wold  give  amoosement  i  shall  fele  it  A  plesure  a  waitin  on  you 
onnerd  Sir  opm  you  will  pardin  the  libbaty  of  a  Dressin  of  you 
but  my  head  wor  ful  of  vermin  and  i  wishd  to  tel  you 
"  onnerd  Sir  yures 

2  komand  j.  Looker." 

"  The  nasty  beggar  !  "  said  Mr.  Bouncer,  in  reference 
to  the  last  paragraph.  "Well,  Gig-lamps!  Filthy 


2/6  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR,  VERDANT  GREEN, 

Lucre  does  n't  tell  fibs  when  he  says  that  Tug  came  of 
a  good  breed :  but  he  was  so  doosed  pugnacious,  that 
he  was  always  having  set-to's  with  Huz  and  Buz,  in  the 
coal-shop  just  outside  the  door  here;  and  so,  as  I'd 


nowhere  else  to  stow  them,  I  was  obliged  to  give  Tug 
away.  Dr.  What's-his-name  says,  '  Let  dogs  delight 
to  bark  and  bite,  for  't  is  their  nature  to.'  But  then, 
you  see,  it's  only  a  delight  when  they  bite  somebody 
elsJs  dog ;  and  if  Dr.  What's-his-name  had  had  a  ken- 
nel of  his  own,  he  would  n't  have  took  it  so  coolly ;  and, 
whether  it  was  their  nature  so  to  do  or  not,  he  would  n't 
have  let  the  little  beggars,  that  he  fork'd  out  thirteen 
bob  a-year  for  to  the  government,  amuse  themselves  by 
biting  each  other, or  tearing  out  each  other's  eyes;  he'd 


AN   OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE.  277 

have  turn'd  them  over,  don't  you  see,  to  his  neighbours' 
dogs,  and  have  let  them  do  the  biting  department  on 
them.  And,  altogether,  Gig-lamps,  I  'd  advise  you  to 
let  Filthy  Lucre's  Vermin  alone,  and  have  nothing  to  do 
with  the  breed." 

So  Mr.  Verdant  Green  took  his  friend's  advice,  and 
then  took  himself  off  to  learn  boxing  at  the  hands,  and 
gloves,  of  the  Putney  Pet ;  for  our  hero,  at  the  sugges- 
tion of  Mr.  Charles  Larkyns,  had  thought  it  advisable  to 
receive  a  few  lessons  in  the  fistic  art,  in  order  that  he 
might  be  the  better  able  to  defend  himself,  should  he  be 
engaged  in  a  second  Town  and  Gown.  He  found  the 
Pet  in  attendance  upon  Mr.  Foote ;  and,  by  their  mutual 
aid,  speedily  mastered  the  elements  of  the  Art  of  Self- 
defence. 

Mr.  Foote's  rooms  at  St.  John's  were  in  the  further 
corner  to  the  right-hand  side  of  the  Quad,  and  had  win- 
dows looking  into  the  gardens.  When  Charles  had  held 
his  Court  at  St.  John's,  and  when  the  loyal  College  had 
melted  down  its  plate  to  coin  into  money  for  the  King's 
necessities,  the  Royal  visitor  had  occupied  these  very 
rooms.  But  it  was  not  on  this  account  alone  that  they 
were  the  show  rooms  of  the  College,  and  that  tutors 
sent  their  compliments  to  Mr.  Foote,  with  the  request 
that  he  would  allow  a  party  of  friends  to  see  his  rooms. 
It  was  chiefly  on  account  of  the  lavish  manner  in  which 
Mr.  Foote  had  furnished  his  rooms,  with  what  he  theatri- 
cally called  "  properties,"  that  made  them  so  sought 
out ;  and  country  lionisers  of  Oxford,  who  took  their 
impressions  of  an  Oxford  student's  room  from  those  of 
Mr.  Foote,  must  have  entertained  very  highly  coloured 
ideas  of  the  internal  aspect  of  the  sober-looking  old 
Colleges. 


2/8   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

The  sitting-room  was  large  and  lofty,  and  was  panelled 
with  oak  throughout.  At  the  further  end  was  an  elabo- 
rately carved  book-case  of  walnut  wood,  filled  with 
books  gorgeously  bound  in  every  tint  of  morocco  and 
vellum,  with  their  backs  richly  tooled  in  gold.  It  was 
currently  reported  in  the  College  that  "  Footelights  " 
had  given  an  order  for  a  certain  number  of  feet  of  books, 
—  not  being  at  all  proud  as  to  their  contents,  —  and  had 
laid  down  the  sum  of  a  thousand  pounds  (or  there- 
abouts) for  their  binding.  This  might  have  been 
scandal ;  but  the  fact  of  his  father  being  a  Colossus  of 
(the  iron)  Roads,  and  indulging  his  son  and  heir  in 
every  expense,  gave  some  colour  to  the  rumour. 

The  panels  were  covered  with  the  choicest  engravings 
(all  proofs-befo re-letters),  and  with  water-colour  draw- 
ings by  Cattermole,  Cox,  Fripp,  Hunt,  and  Frederick 
Tayler  —  their  wide,  white  margins  being  sunk  in  light 
gilt  frames.  Above  these  gleamed  groups  of  armour, 
standing  out  effectively  (and  theatrically),  against  the 
dark  oak  panels,  and  full  of  "  reflected  lights,"  that 
would  have  gladdened  the  heart  of  Maclise.  There 
were  couches  of  velvet,  and  lounging  chairs  of  every 
variety  and  shape.  There  was  a  Broadwood's  grand 
piano-forte,  on  which  Mr.  Foote,  although  uninstructed, 
could  play  skilfully.  There  were  round  tables  and 
square  tables,  and  writing  tables ;  and  there  were  side 
tables  with  statuettes,  and  Swiss  carvings,  and  old  china, 
and  gold  apostle-spoons,  and  lava  ware,  and  Etruscan 
vases,  and  a  swarm  of  Spiers's  elegant  knick-knackeries. 
There  were  reading-stands  of  all  sorts ;  Briarean-armed 
brazen  ones  that  fastened  on  to  the  chair  you  sat  in,  — 
sloping  ones  to  rest  on  the  table  before  you,  elaborately 
carved  in  open  work,  and  an  upright  one  of  severe 


AN   OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE.  279 

Gothic,  like  a  lectern,  where  you  were  to  stand  and  read 
without  contracting  your  chest  Then  there  were  all 
kinds  of  stands  to  hold  books :  sliding  ones,  expanding 
ones,  portable  ones,  heavy  fixture  ones,  plain  mahogany 
ones,  and  oak  ones  made  glorious  by  Margetts  with  the 
arms  of  Oxford  and  St.  John's,  carved  and  emblazoned 
on  the  ends. 

Mr.  Foote's  rooms  were  altogether  a  very  gorgeous 
instance  of  a  Collegian's  apartment ;  and  Mr.  Foote  him- 
self was  a  very  striking  example  of  the  theatrical  under- 
graduate. Possessing  great  powers  of  mimicry  and 
facial  expression,  he  was  able  to  imitate  any  peculiarities 
which  were  to  be  observed  either  in  Dons  or  Under- 
graduates, in  Presidents  or  Scouts.  He  could  sit  down 
at  his  piano,  and  give  you  —  after  the  manner  of  Theo- 
dore Hook,  or  John  Parry —  a  burlesque  opera;  singing 
high  up  in  his  head  for  the  prima  donna,  and  going 
down  to  his  boots  for  the  basso  profondo  of  the  great 
Lablache.  He  could  also  draw  corks,  saw  wood,  do  a 
bee  in  a  handkerchief,  and  make  monkeys,  cats,  dogs,  a 
farm-yard,  or  a  full  band,  with  equal  facility.  He  would 
also  give  you  Mr.  Keeley,  in  "  Betsy  Baker;  "  Mr.  Paul 
Bedford,  as  "  I  believe  you  my  bo-o-oy;  "  Mr.  Buck- 
stone,  as  Cousin  Joe,  and  "Box  and  Cox;"  or  Mr. 
Wright,  as  Paul  Pry,  or  Mr.  Felix  Fluffy.  Besides  the 
comedians,  Mr.  Footelights  would  also  give  you  the 
leading  tragedians,  and  would  favour  you  (through  his 
nose)  with  the  popular  burlesque  imitation  of  Mr. 
Charles  Kean,  as  Hablet.  He  would  fling  himself  down 
on  the  carpet,  and  grovel  there,  as  Hamlet  does  in  the 
play-scene,  and  would  exclaim,  with  frantic  vehemence, 
"  He  poisods  hib  i'  the  garded,  for  his  estate.  His 
dabe's  Godzago :  the  story  is  extadt,  ad  writted  id  very 


280  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

choice  Italiad.  You  shall  see  adod,  how  the  burderer 
gets  the  love  of  Godzago's  wife."  Moreover,  as  his 
room  possessed  the  singularity  of  a  trap-door  leading 
down  into  a  wine-cellar,  Mr.  "  Footelights  "  was  thus 
enabled  to  leap  down  into  the  aperture,  and  carry  on 
the  personation  of  Hamlet  in  Ophelia's  grave.  As  the 
theatrical  trait  in  his  character  was  productive  of  much 
amusement,  and  as  he  was  also  considered  to  be  one  of 
those  hilarious  fragments  of  masonry,  popularly  known 
as  "jolly  bricks,"  Mr.  Foote's  society  was  greatly  culti- 
vated ;  and  Mr.  Verdant  Green  struck  up  a  warm 
friendship  with  him. 

But  the  Michaelmas  term  was  drawing  to  its  close. 
Buttery  and  kitchen  books  were  adding  up  their  sums 
total ;  bursars  were  preparing  for  battels  ;  1  witless  men 
were  cramming  for  Collections ;  2  scouts  and  bedmakers 
were  looking  for  tips ;  and  tradesmen  were  hopelessly 
expecting  their  little  accounts.  And,  in  a  few  days, 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  might  have  been  seen  at  the  railway 
station,  in  company  with  Mr.  Charles  Larkyns  and  Mr. 
Bouncer,  setting  out  for  the  Manor  Green,  vid  London 
—  this  being,  as  is  well  known,  the  most  direct  route 
from  Oxford  to  Warwickshire. 

Mr.  Bouncer,  who  when  travelling  was  never  easy  in 
his  mind  unless  Huz  and  Buz  were  with  him  in  the  same 
carriage,  had  placed  these  two  interesting  specimens  of 

1  Battels  are  the  accounts  of  the  expenses  of  each  student.   It  is 
stated  in  Todd's  "  Johnson  "  that  this  singular  word  is  derived  from 
the  Saxon  verb,  meaning  "  to  count  or  reckon."      But  it  is    stated 
in  the   Gentleman's  Magazine  for  1792,  that  the  word  may  pro- 
bably be  derived  from  the  Low-German  word  bettahlen,  "  to  pay," 
whence  may  come  our  English  word,  tale  or  score. 

2  College  Terminal  Examinations. 


AN    OXFORD  UNDERGRADUATE.  281 

the  canine  species  in  a  small  light  box,  partially  venti- 
lated by  means  of  holes  drilled  through  the  top.  But 
Huz  and  Buz,  not  much  admiring  this  contracted  mode 
of  conveyance,  and  probably  suffering  from  incipient 
asphyxia,  in  spite  of  the  admonitory  kicks  against  their 
box,  gave  way  to  dismal  howls,  at  the  very  moment 
when  the  guard  came  to  look  at  the  tickets. 

"  Can't  allow  dogs  in  here,  sir!  they  must  go  in  the 
locker,"  said  the  guard. 

"Dogs?"  cried  Mr.  Bouncer,  in  apparent  astonish- 
ment :  "  they  're  rabbits !  " 

"  Rabbits  !  "  ejaculated  the  guard,  in  his  turn.  "  Oh, 
come,  sir!  what  makes  rabbits  bark?  " 

"  What  makes  'em  bark?  Why,  because  they've  got 
the  pip,  poor  beggars  !  "  replied  Mr.  Bouncer,  promptly. 
At  which  the  guard  graciously  laughed,  and  retired ; 
probably  thinking  that  he  should,  in  the  end,  be  a 
gainer  if  he  allowed  Huz  and  Buz  to  journey  in  the 
same  first-class  carriage  with  their  master. 


282   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 


CHAPTER  VIII. 

MR.     VERDANT    GREEN    SPENDS    A    MERRY     CHRISTMAS 
AND   A    HAPPY   NEW   YEAR. 

CHRISTMAS  had 
come;  the  season  of 
kindness,  and  hospi- 
tal i  t  y ;  the  season 
when  the  streams  of 
benevolence  flow  full 
in  their  channels ;  the 
season  when  the  Hon- 
ourable Miss  Hyems 
indulges  herself  with 
ice,  while  the  vulgar 
Jack  Frost  regales 
himself  with  cold- 
without.  Christmas 
had  come,  and  had 
brought  with  it  an 
old  fashioned  winter; 
and,  as  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  stands  with  his 
hands  in  his  pockets, 
and  gazes  from  the 

drawing-room  of  his  paternal  mansion,  he  looks  forth 

upon  a  white  world. 


AN   OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE.  283 

The  snow  is  everywhere.  The  shrubs  are  weighed 
down  by  masses  of  it;  the  terrace  is  knee-deep  in  it; 
the  plaster  Apollo,  in  the  long-walk,  is  more  than  knee- 
deep  in  it,  and  is  furnished  with  a  surplice  and  wig,  like 
a  half-blown  Bishop.  The  distant  country  looks  the 
very  ghost  of  a  landscape:  the  white-walled  cottages 
seem  part  and  parcel  of  the  snow-drifts  around  them,  — 
drifts  that  take  every  variety  of  form,  and  are  swept  by 
the  wind  into  faery  wreaths,  and  fantastic  caves.  The 
old  mill-wheel  is  locked  fast,  and  gemmed  with  giant 
icicles ;  its  slippery  stairs  are  more  slippery  than  ever. 
Golden  gorse  and  purple  heather  are  now  all  of  a 
colour ;  orchards  put  forth  blossoms  of  real  snow ;  the 
gently  swelling  hills  look  bright  and  dazzling  in  the 
wintry  sun  ;  the  grey  church  tower  has  grown  from 
grey  to  white ;  nothing  looks  black,  except  the  swarms 
of  rooks  that  dot  the  snowy  fields,  or  make  their  caws 
(long  as  any  Chancery-suit)  to  be  heard  from  among 
the  dark  branches  of  the  stately  elms  that  form  the 
avenue  to  the  Manor-Green. 

It  is  a  rare  busy  time  for  the  intelligent  Mr.  Mole  the 
gardener !  he  is  always  sweeping  at  that  avenue,  and,  do 
what  he  will,  he  cannot  keep  it  clear  from  snow.  As 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  looks  forth  upon  the  white  world, 
his  gaze  is  more  particularly  directed  to  this  avenue,  as 
though  the  form  of  the  intelligent  Mr.  Mole  was  an 
object  of  interest.  From  time  to  time  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  consults  his  watch  in  a  nervous  manner,  and  is 
utterly  indifferent  to  the  appeals  of  the  robin-redbreast 
who  is  hopping  about  outside,  in  expectation  of  the  din- 
ner which  has  been  daily  given  to  him. 

Just  when  the  robin,  emboldened  by  hunger,  has 
begun  to  tap  fiercely  with  his  bill  against  the  window- 


284  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 


pane,  as  a  gentle  hint  that  the  smallest  donations  of 
crumbs  of  comfort  will  be  thankfully  received,  —  Mr. 
Verdant  Green,  utterly  oblivious  of  robins  in  general,  and 
of  the  sharp  pecks  of  this  one  in  particular,  takes  no 

notice  of  the  little  red- 
breast waiter  with  the 
bill,  but,  slightly  col- 
ouring up,  fixes  his 
gaze  upon  the  lodge- 
gate  through  which  a 
group  of  ladies  and 
gentlemen  are  pass- 
ing. Stepping  back 
for  a  moment,  and 
stealing  a  glance  at 
himself  in  the  mirror, 
Mr.  Verdant  Green 
hurriedly  arranges 
and  disarranges  his 
hair  —  pulls  about  his 
collar  —  ties  and  un- 
ties his  neck-handkerchief —  buttons  and  then  unbut- 
tons his  coat  —  takes  another  look  from  the  window  — 
sees  the  intelligent  Mr.  Mole  (besom  in  hand)  salaaming 
the  party,  and  then  makes  a  rush  for  the  vestibule,  to 
be  at  the  door  to  receive  them. 

Let  us  take  a  look  at  them  as  they  come  up  the 
avenue.  Place  aux  dames,  is  the  proper  sort  of  thing ; 
but  as  there  is  no  rule  without  its  exception,  and  no 
adage  without  its  counter-proverb,  we  will  give  the 
gentlemen  the  priority  of  description. 

Hale  and  hearty,  the  picture  of  amiability  and  gentle- 
manly feeling,  comes  the  Rector,  Mr.  Larkyns,  sturdily 


AN  OXFORD  UNDERGRADUATE.  285 

crunching  the  frozen  snow,  which  has  defied  all  the 
besom  powers  of  the  intelligent  Mr.  Mole.  Here,  too, 
is  Mr.  Charles  Larkyns,  and,  moreover,  his  friend  Henry 
Bouncer,  Esq.,  who  has  come  to  Christmas  at  the  Rec- 
tory. Following  in  their  wake  is  a  fourth  gentleman 
attired  in  the  costume  peculiar  to  clergymen,  dissenting 
ministers,  linen-drapers'  assistants,  and  tavern  waiters. 
He  happens  to  belong  to  the  first-named  section,  and 
is  no  less  a  person  than  the  Rev.  Josiah  Meek,  B.A.,  (St. 
Christopher's  Coll.,  Oxon.) — who,  for  the  last  three 
months,  has  officiated  as  Mr.  Larkyns's  curate.  He 
appears  to  be  of  a  peace-loving,  lamb-like  disposition ; 
and,  though  sportive  as  a  lamb  when  occasion  requires, 
is  yet  of  timid  ways  and  manners.  He  is  timid,  too,  in 
voice,  —  speaking  in  a  feeble  treble ;  he  is  timid,  too, 
in  his  address,  —  more  particularly  as  regards  females ; 
and  he  has  mild-looking  whiskers,  that  are  far  too  timid 
to  assume  any  decided  or  obtrusive  colour,  and  have 
fallen  back  on  a  generalised  whitey-brown  tint.  But, 
though  timid  enough  in  society,  he  was  bold  and  ener- 
getic in  the  discharge  of  his  pastoral  duties,  and  had 
already  won  the  esteem  of  every  one  in  the  parish.  So> 
Verdant  had  been  told,  when,  on  his  return  from  college, 
he  had  asked  his  sisters  how  they  liked  the  new  curate. 
They  had  not  only  heard  of  his  good  deeds,  but  they 
had  witnessed  many  of  them  in  their  visits  to  the  schools 
and  among  the  poor.  Mary  and  Fanny  were  loud  in 
his  praise;  and  if  Helen  said  but  little,  it  was  perhaps 
because  she  thought  the  more ;  for  Helen  was  now  of 
the  susceptible  age  of  "  sweet  seventeen,"  an  age  that 
not  only  feels  warmly  but  thinks  deeply;  and  who  shall 
say  what  feelings  and  thoughts  may  lie  beneath  the  pure 
waters  of  that  sea  of  maidenhood  whose  surface  is  so 


286   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

still  and  calm?  Love  alone  can  tell:  — Love,  the  bold 
diver,  who  can  cleave  that  still  surface,  and  bring  up 
into  the  light  of  heaven  the  rich  treasures  that  are  of 
Heaven's  own  creation. 

With  the  four  gentlemen  come  two  ladies  —  young 
ladies,  moreover,  who,  as  penny-a-liners  say,  are  "  pos- 
sessed of  considerable  personal  attractions."  These  are 
the  Misses  Honeywood,  the  blooming  daughters  of  the 
rector's  only  sister  ;  and  they  have  come  from  the  far 
land  of  the  North,  and  are  looking  as  fresh  and  sweet 
as  their  own  heathery  hills.  The  roses  of  health  that 
bloom  upon  their  cheeks  have  been  brought  into  full 
blow  by  the  keen,  sharp  breeze ;  the  shepherd's-plaid 
shawls  drawn  tightly  around  them  give  the  outline  of 
figures  that  gently  swell  into  the  luxuriant  line  of  beauty 
and  grace.  Altogether,  they  are  damsels  who  are 
pleasant  to  the  eye,  and  very  fair  to  look  upon. 

Since  they  had  last  visited  their  uncle  four  years  had 
passed,  and,  in  that  time,  they  had  shot  up  to  woman- 
hood, although  they  were  not  yet  out  of  their  teens. 
Their  father  was  a  landed  proprietor  living  in  north 
Northumberland  ;  and,  like  other  landed  proprietors 
who  live  under  the  shade  of  the  Cheviots,  was  rich 
in  his  flocks,  and  his  herds,  and  his  men-servants  and 
his  maid-servants,  and  his  he-asses  and  his  she-asses, 
and  was  quite  a  modern  patriarch.  During  the  past 
summer,  the  rector  had  taken  a  trip  to  Northumber- 
land, in  order  to  see  his  sister,  and  refresh  himself 
with  a  clergyman's  fortnight  at  Honeywood  Hall,  and 
he  would  not  leave  his  sister  and  her  husband  until  he 
had  extracted  from  them  a  promise  that  they  would 
bring  down  their  two  eldest  daughters  and  christmas  in 
Warwickshire.  This  was  accordingly  agreed  to,  and, 


AN   OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE.  287 

more  than  that,  acted  upon;  and  little  Mr.  Bouncer 
and  his  sister  Fanny  were  asked  to  meet  them ;  but,  to 
relieve  the  rector  of  a  superfluity  of  lady  guests,  Miss 
Bouncer's  quarters  had  been  removed  to  the  Manor 
Green. 

It  was  quite  an  event  in  the  history  of  our  hero  and 
his  sisters.  Four  years  ago,  they,  and  Kitty  and  Patty 
Honeywood,  were  mere  chits,  for  whom  dolls  had  not 
altogether  lost  their  interest,  and  who  considered  it  as 
promotion  when  they  sat  in  the  drawing-room  on  com- 
pany evenings,  instead  of  being  shown  up  at  dessert. 
Four  years  at  this  period  of  life  makes  a  vast  change  in 
young  ladies,  and  the  Green  and  Honeywood  girls  had 
so  altered  since  last  they  met,  that  they  had  almost 
needed  a  fresh  introduction  to  each  other.  But  a  day's 
intimacy  made  them  bosom  friends ;  and  the  Manor 
Green  soon  saw  such  revels  as  it  had  not  seen  for  many 
a  long  year. 

Every  night  there  were  (in  the  language  of  the  play- 
bills of  provincial  theatres)  "  singing  and  dancing,  with 
a  variety  of  other  entertainments;"  the  "other  enter- 
tainments "  occasionally  consisting  (as  is  scandalously 
affirmed)  of  a  very  favourite  class  of  entertainment  — 
popular  at  all  times,  but  running  mad  riot  at  the  Christ- 
mas season  —  wherein  two  performers  of  either  sex  take 
their  places  beneath  a  white-berried  bough,  and  go 
through  a  species  of  dance,  or  pas  de  fascination,  accom- 
panied by  mysterious  rites  and  solemnities  that  have 
been  scrupulously  observed,  and  handed  down  to  us, 
from  the  earliest  age. 

Mr.  Verdant  Green,  during  the  short  —  alas  !  too  short 
—  Christmas  week,  had  performed  more  polkas  than  he 
had  ever  danced  in  his  life ;  and,  unde»-  the  charming 
19 


288   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 


tuition  of  Miss  Patty  Honeywood,  was  fast  becoming  a 
proficient  in  the  valse  a  deux  temps.  As  yet,  the  whirl 
of  the  dance  brought  on  a  corresponding  rotatory 
motion  of  the  brain,  that  made  every  thing  swim  before 
his  spectacles  in  a  way  which  will  be  easily  understood 
by  all  bad  travellers  who  have  crossed  from  Dover  to 
Calais  with  a  chopping  sea  and  a  gale  of  wind.  But 
Miss  Patty  Honeywood  was  both  good-natured  and 

persevering:  and  she 
allowed  our  hero  to 
dance  on  her  feet 
without  a  murmur, 
and  watchfully  guided 
him  when  his  giddy 
vision  would  have  led 
them  into  contact  with 
foreign  bodies. 

It  is  an  old  saying, 
that  Gratitude  begets 
Love.  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  had  already 
reached  the  first  part 
of  this  dangerous 
creation,  for  he  felt 
grateful  to  the  pretty 
Patty  for  the  good- 
humoured  trouble  she 
bestowed  on  the  awk- 
wardness, which  he 
now,  for  the  first  time, 

began  painfully  to  perceive.  But,  what  his  gratitude 
might  end  in,  he  had  perhaps  never  taken  the  trouble  to 
inquire.  It  was  enough  to  Mr.  Verdant  Green  that  he 


AN    OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE. 


289 


enjoyed   the   present;  and,  as   to   the  future,  he  fully 
followed  out  the  Horatian  precept  — 

Quid  sit  futurum  eras,  fuge  quaerere ; 
.  . '     .        nee  dulces  amores 
Sperne,  puer,  neque  tu  choreas. 

It  was  perhaps  ungrateful  in  our  hero  to  prefer  Miss 
Patty  Honeywood  to  Miss  Fanny  Bouncer,  especially 
when  the  latter  was  staying  in  the  house,  and  had  been 
so  warmly  recommended  to  his  notice  by  her  vivacious 
brother.  Especially,  too,  as  there  was  nothing  to  be 


.ft-..- 


objected  to  in  Miss  Bouncer,  saving  the  fact  that  some 
might  have  affirmed  she  was  a  trifle  too  much  inclined 
to  embonpoint,  and  was  indeed  a  bouncer  in  person  as 
well  as  in  name.  Especially,  too,  as  Miss  Fanny 
Bouncer  was  both  good-humoured  and  clever,  and, 
besides  being  mistress  of  the  usual  young-lady  accom- 
plishments, was  a  clever  proficient  in  the  fascinating  art 


2QO  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

of  photography,  and  had  brought  her  camera  and 
chemicals,  and  had  not  only  calotyped  Mr.  Verdant 
Green,  but  had  made  no  end  of  duplicates  of  him,  in  a 
manner  that  was  suggestive  of  the  deepest  admiration 
and  affection.  But  these  sort  of  likings  are  not  made  to 
rule,  and  Mr.  Verdant  Green  could  see  Miss  Fanny 
Bouncer  approach  without  betraying  any  of  those  symp- 
toms of  excitement,  under  the  influence  of  which  we  had 
the  privilege  to  see  him,  as  he  gazed  from  the  window 
of  his  paternal  mansion,  and  then,  on  beholding  the 
approaching  form  of  Miss  Patty  Honeywood,  rush  wildly 
to  the  vestibule. 

The  party  had  no  occasion  to  ring,  for  the  hall  door 
was  already  opened  for  them,  and  Mr.  Verdant  Green 
was  soon  exchanging  a  delightful  pressure  of  the  hand 
with  the  blooming  Patty. 

"  We  were  such  a  formidable  party,"  said  that  young 
lady,  as  she  laughed  merrily,  and  thereby  disclosed  to 
the  enraptured  gazer  a  remarkably  even  set  of  white 
teeth  ("  All  her  own,  too !  "  as  little  Mr.  Bouncer  after- 
wards remarked  to  the  enraptured  gazer);  "we  were 
such  a  formidable  party,"  said  Miss  Patty,  "  that  papa 
and  mamma  declared  they  would  stay  behind  at  the 
Rectory,  and  would  not  join  in  such  a  visitation." 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  replies,  "  Oh  dear !  I  am  very 
sorry,"  and  looks  remarkably  delighted  —  though  it 
certainly  may  not  be  at  the  absence  of  the  respected 
couple  ;  and  he  then  proclaims  that  every  thing  is  ready, 
and  that  Miss  Bouncer  and  his  sisters  had  found  out 
some  capital  words. 

"  What  a  mysterious  communication,  Verdant ! " 
remarks  the  rector,  as  they  pass  into  the  house.  But 
the  rector  is  only  to  be  let  so  far  into  the  secret  as  to  be 


AN   OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE.  291 

informed  that,  at  the  evening  party  which  is  to  be  held 
at  the  Manor  Green  that  night,  a  charade  or  two  will  be 
acted,  in  order  to  diversify  the  amusements.  The  Misses 
Honeywood  are  great  adepts  in  this  sort  of  pastime  ;  so, 
also,  are  Miss  Bouncer  and  her  brother.  For  although 
the  latter  does  not  shine  as  a  mimic,  yet,  as  he  is  never 
deserted  by  his  accustomed  coolness,  he  has  plenty  of 
the  nonchalance  and  readiness  which  is  a  requisite  for 
charade  acting.  The  Miss  Honeywoods  and  Mr. 
Bouncer  have  therefore  suggested  to  Mr.  Verdant  Green 
and  his  sisters,  that  to  get  up  a  little  amateur  perform- 
ance would  be  "  great  fun ;  "  and  the  suggestion  has 
met  with  a  warm  approval. 

The  drawing-room  at  the  Manor  Green  opened  by 
large  folding-doors  to  the  library;  so  (as  Mr.  Bouncer 
observed  to  our  hero),  "there  you  Ve  got  your  stage 
and  your  drop-scene  as  right  as  a  trivet ;  and,  if  you 
stick  a  lot  of  candles  and  lights  on  each  side  of  the 
doors  in  the  library,  there  you  '11  have  a  regular  flare-up 
that  '11  show  off  your  venerable  gig-lamps  no  end." 

So  charades  were  determined  on ;  and,  when  words 
had  been  hunted  up,  a  council  of  war  was  called.  But, 
as  the  ladies  and  gentlemen  hold  their  council  with 
closed  doors,  we  cannot  intrude  upon  them.  We  must 
therefore  wait  till  the  evening,  when  the  result  of  their 
deliberations  will  be  publicly  manifested. 


292  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 


CHAPTER   IX. 

MR.  VERDANT  GREEN    MAKES   HIS  FIRST  APPEARANCE    ON 
ANY   BOARDS. 

IT  is  the  last  night  of 
December.  The  old 
year,  worn  out  and 
spent  with  age,  lies  a 
dying,  wrapped  in 
sheets  of  snow. 

A  stern  stillness 
reigns  around.  The 
steps  of  men  are  muf- 
fled ;  no  echoing 
footfalls  disturb  the 
solemn  nature  of  the 
time.  The  little  run- 
nels weep  icy  tears. 
The  dark  pines  hang 
out  their  funereal 
plumes,  and  nod  with 

their  weight  of  snow.  The  elms  have  thrown  off  their 
green  robes  of  joy,  and,  standing  up  in  gaunt  nakedness, 
wildly  toss  to  heaven  their  imploring  arms.  The  old 
year  lies  a  dying. 

Silently  through  the  snow  steal  certain  carriages  to 
the  portals  of  the  Manor  Green,  and,  with  a  ringing  of 


AN  OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE.  293 

bells  and  a  banging  of  steps,  the  occupants  disappear  in 
a  stream  of  light  that  issues  from  the  hall  door.  Mr. 
Green's  small  sanctum  to  the  right  of  the  hall  has  been 
converted  into  a  cloak-room,  and  is  fitted  up  with  a 
ladies'-maid  and  a  looking-glass,  in  a  manner  not  to  be 
remembered  by  the  oldest  inhabitant. 

There  the  finishing  stroke  of  ravishment  is  given  to 
the  toilette  disarranged  by  a  long  drive  through  the 
impeding  snow.  There  Miss  Parkington  (whose  papa 
has  lately  revived  his  old  school  friendship  with  Mr. 
Green)  discovers,  to  her  unspeakable  disgust,  that  the 
ten  mile  drive  through  the  cold  has  invested  her  cheek 
with  purple  tints,  and  given  to  her  retrousst  (ill-natured 
people  call  it  "  pug  ")  nose  a  hue  that  mocks 

The  turkey's  crested  fringe. 

There,  too,  Miss  Waters  (whose  paternities  had  hitherto 
only  been  on  morning  call  terms  with  the  Manor  Green 
people,  but  had  brushed  up  their  acquaintance  now  that 
there  was  a  son  of  marriageable  years  and  heir  to  an 
independent  fortune),  discovers  to  her  dismay  that  the 
joltings  received  during  a  six-mile  drive  through 
snowed-up  lanes,  have  somewhat  deteriorated  the  very 
full-dress  aspect  of  her  attire,  and  considerably  flat- 
tened its  former  balloon-like  dimensions.  And  there, 
too,  Miss  Brindle  (whose  family  have  been  hunted  up 
for  the  occasion)  makes  the  alarming  discovery  that,  in 
the  lurch  which  their  hack-fly  had  made  at  the  cross 
roads,  her  brother  Alfred's  patent  boots  had  not  only 
dragged  off  some  yards  (more  or  less)  of  her  flounces, 
but  had  also  —  to  use  her  own  mystical  language  — 
"  torn  her  skirt  at  the  gathers !  " 

All,  however,  is  put  right  as  far  as  possible.     A  warm 


294   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

at  the  sanctum's  fire  diminishes  the  purple  in  Miss  Park- 
ington's  cheeks;  and  the  maid,  by  some  hocus-pocus 
peculiar  to  her  craft,  again  inflates  Miss  Waters  into  a 
balloon,  and  stitches  up  Miss  Brindle's  flounces  and 
"  gathers."  The  ladies  join  their  respective  gentlemen, 
who  have  been  cooling  their  toes  and  uttering  warm 


anathemas  in  the  hall ;  and  the  party  sail,  arm-in-arm, 
into  the  drawing-room,  and  forthwith  fall  to  lively 
remarks  on  that  neutral  ground  of  conversation,  the 
weather. 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  is  there,  dressed  with  elaborate 
magnificence ;  but  he  continues  in  a  state  of  listless 
apathy,  and  is  indifferent  to  the  "  lively  "  rattle  of  the 
balloon-like  Miss  Waters,  until  John  the  footman  (who 


AN   OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE. 


295 


is  suffering  from  influenza)  rouses  him  into  animation 
by  the  magic  talisman  "  Bister,  Bissis,  an'  the  Biss 
'Oneywoods;"  when  he  beams  through  his  spectacles 
in  the  most  benign  and  satisfied  manner.  The  Misses 


Moneywood  are  as  blooming  as  usual:  the  cold  air, 
instead  of  spoiling  their  good  looks,  has  but  improved 
their  healthy  style  of  beauty  ;  and  they  smile,  laugh,  and 
talk  in  a  perfectly  easy,  unaffected,  and  natural  manner. 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  at  once  makes  his  way  to  Miss  Patty 
Honeywood's  side,  and,  gracefully  standing  beside  her, 


296   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

coffee-cup  in  hand,  plunges  headlong  into  the  depths  of 
a  tangled  conversation. 

Meanwhile,  the  drawing-room  of  the  Manor  Green 
becomes  filled  in  a  way  that  has  not  been  seen  for  many 
a  long  year  ;  and  the  intelligent  Mr.  Mole,  the  gardener 
(who  has  been  impressed  as  an  odd  man  for  the  occa- 
sion, and  is  served  up  in  a  pseudo-livery  to  make  him 
more  presentable),  sees  more  "  genteel  "  people  than 
have,  for  a  long  time,  been  visible  to  his  naked  eye. 
The  intelligent  Mr.  Mole,  when  he  has  afterwards  been 
restored  to  the  bosom  of  Mrs.  Mole  and  his  family,  con- 
fides to  his  equally  intelligent  helpmate  that,  in  his 
opinion,  "  Master  has  guv  the  party  to  get  husbands  for 
the  young  ladies  "  —  an  opinion  which,  though  perhaps 
not  founded  on  fact  so  far  as  it  related  to  the  party 
which  was  the  subject  of  Mr.  Mole's  remark,  would 
doubtless  be  applicable  to  many  similar  parties  given 
under  somewhat  similar  circumstances. 

It  is  not  improbable  that  the  intelligent  Mr.  Mole  may 
have  based  his  opinion  on  a  circumstance  —  which,  to  a 
gentleman  of  his  sagacity,  must  have  carried  great 
weight  —  namely,  that  whenever  in  the  course  of  the 
evening  the  hall  was  made  the  promenade  for  the 
loungers  and  dancers,  he  perceived,  firstly,  that  Miss 
Green  was  invariably  accompanied  by  Mr.  Charles 
Larkyns ;  secondly,  that  the  Rev.  Josiah  Meek  kept 
Miss  Helen  dallying  about  the  wine  and  lemonade  tray 
much  longer  than  was  necessary  for  the  mere  consump- 
tion of  the  cooling  liquids;  and  thirdly,  that  Miss  Fanny, 
who  was  a  pert,  talkative  Miss  of  sixteen,  was  continu- 
ally to  be  found  there  with  either  Mr.  Henry  Bouncer 
or  Mr.  Alfred  Brindle  dancing  attendance  upon  her. 
But,  be  this  as  it  may,  the  intelligent  Mr.  Mole  was 


AN   OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE.  297 

impressed  with  the  conviction  that  Mr.  Green  had  called 
his  young  friends  together  as  to  a  matrimonial  auction, 
and  that  his  daughters  were  to  be  put  up  without 
reserve,  and  knocked  down  to  the  highest  bidder. 

All  the  party  have  arrived.  The  weather  has  been 
talked  over  for  the  last  time  (for  the  present) ;  a  harp, 
violin,  and  a  cornet-a-piston  from  the  county  town, 
influenced  by  the  spirit  of  gin-and-water,  are  heard 
discoursing  most  eloquent  music  in  the  dining-room, 
which  has  been  cleared  out  for  the  dance.  Miss  Patty 
Honeywood,  accepting  the  offer  of  Mr.  Verdant  Green's 
arm,  swims  joyously  out  of  the  room ;  other  ladies  and 
gentlemen  pair,  and  follow :  the  ball  is  opened. 

A  polka  follows  the  quadrille;  and,  while  the  dan- 
cers rest  awhile  from  their  exertions,  or  crowd  around 
the  piano  in  the  drawing-room  to  hear  the  balloon-like 
Miss  Waters  play  a  firework  piece  of  music,  in  which 
execution  takes  the  place  of  melody,  and  chromatic 
scales  are  discharged  from  her  fingers  like  showers  of 
rockets,  Mr.  Verdant  Green  mysteriously  weeds  out 
certain  members  of  the  party,  and  vanishes  with  them 
up-stairs. 

When  Miss  Waters  has  discharged  all  her  fireworks, 
and  has  descended  from  the  throne  of  her  music-stool, 
a  set  of  Lancers  is  formed ;  and,  while  the  usual  mis- 
takes are  being  made  in  the  figures,  the  dancers  find  a 
fruitful  subject  of  conversation  in  surmises  that  a 
charade  is  going  to  be  acted.  The  surmise  proves  to 
be  correct ;  for  when  the  set  has  been  brought  to  an 
end  with  that  peculiar  in-and-out  tum-tum-tiddle-iddle- 
tum-tum-tum  movement  which  characterises  the  last 
figure  of  "Les  Landers,"  the  trippers  on  the  light 
fantastic  toe  are  requested  to  assemble  in  the  drawing- 


298  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

room,  where  the  chairs  and  couches  have  been  pulled 
up  to  face  the  folding  doors  that  lead  into  the  library. 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  appears;  and,  after  announcing 
that  the  word  to  be  acted  will  be  one  of  three  syl- 
lables, and  that  each  syllable  will  be  represented  by 


itself,  and  that  then  the  complete  word  will  be  given, 
throws  open  the  folding  doors  for 

SCENE  I.  Syllable  i.  —  Enter  the  Miss  Honeywoods, 
dressed  in  fashionable  bonnets  and  shawls.  They  are 
shown  in  by  a  footman  (Mr.  Bouncer)  attired  in  a 
peculiarly  ingenious  and  effective  livery,  made  by 
pulling  up  the  trousers  to  the  knee,  and  wearing  the 
dress-coat  inside  out,  so  as  to  display  the  crimson  silk 
linings  of  the  sleeves:  the  effect  of  Mr.  Bouncer's 

o 

appearance  is  considerably  heightened  by  a  judicious 


AN   OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE.  299 

outlay  of  flour  sprinkled  over  his  hair.  Mr.  Bouncer 
(as  footman)  gives  the  ladies  chairs,  and  inquires, 
"What  name  shall  I  be  pleased  to  say,  mem?  "  Miss 
Patty  answers  in  a  languid  and  fashionable  voice, 
"The  Ladies  Louisa  and  Arabella  Mountfidget."  Mr. 
Bouncer  evaporates  with  a  low  bow,  leaving  the  ladies 
to  play  with  their  parasols,  and  converse.  Lady  Ara- 
bella (Miss  Patty) 'then  expresses  a  devout  wish  that 
Lady  Trotter  (wife  of  Sir  Lambkin  Trotter,  Bart.),  in 
whose  house  they  are  supposed  to  be,  will  not  keep 
them  waiting  as  long  as  she  detained  her  aunt,  Lady 
Bellwether,  when  the  poor  old  lady  fell  asleep  from 
sheer  fatigue,  and  was  found  snoring  on  the  sofa. 
Lady  Louisa  then  falls  to  an  inspection  of  the  card- 
tray,  and  reads  the  paste-boards  of  some  high-sounding 
titles  not  to  be  found  in  Debrett,  and  expresses  wonder 
as  to  where  Lady  Trotter  can  have  picked  up  the 
Duchess  of  Ditchwater's  card,  as  she  (Lady  Louisa)  is 
morally  convinced  that  her  Grace  can  never  have  con- 
descended to  have  even  sent  in  her  card  by  a  footman. 
Becoming  impatient  at  the  non-appearance  of  Lady 
Trotter,  Miss  Patty  Honeywood  then  rings  the  bell, 
and,  with  much  asperity  of  manner,  inquires  of  Mr. 
Bouncer  (as  footman)  if  Lady  Trotter  is  informed  that 
the  Ladies  Louisa  and  Arabella  Mountfidget  are  wait- 
ing to  see  her?  Mr.  Bouncer  replies,  with  a  footman's 
bow,  and  a  footman's  //exasperation  of  his  h's,  "Me 
lady  is  haweer  hof  your  ladyships'  visit;  but  me  lady 
is  at  present  hunable  to  happear:  me  lady,  'owever, 
has  give  me  a  message,  which  she  hasks  me  to  deliver 
to  your  ladyships."  "Then  why  don't  you  deliver  it 
at  once,"  says  Miss  Patty,  "and  not  waste  the  valuable 
time  of  the  Ladies  Louisa  and  Arabella  Mountfidget? 


3OO  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

What  is  the  message?"  "Me  lady,"  replies  Mr. 
Bouncer,  "  requests  me  to  present  her  compliments  to 
your  ladyships,  and  begs  me  to  hinform  you  that  me 
lady  is  a  cleaning  of  herself !  "  Amid  great  laughter 
from  the  audience,  the  Ladies  Mountfidget  toss  their 
heads  and  flutter  grandly  out  of  the  room,  followed  by 
the  floured  footman ;  while  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  unseen 
by  those  in  front,  pushes-to  the  folding-doors,  to  show 
that  the  first  syllable  is  performed. 

Praises  of  the  acting,  and  guesses  at  the  word, 
agreeably  fill  up  the  time  till  the  next  scene.  The 
Revd.  Josiah  Meek,  who  is  not  much  used  to  charades, 
confides  to  Miss  Helen  Green  that  he  surmises  the 
word  to  be,  either  "visitor"  or  "impudence;"  but,  as 
the  only  ground  to  this  surmise  rests  on  these  two 
words  being  words  of  three  syllables,  Miss  Helen 
gently  repels  the  idea,  and  sagely  observes,  "we  shall 
see  more  in  the  next  scene." 

SCENE  II.  Syllable  2.  —  The  folding-doors  open, 
and  discover  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  as  a  sick  gentleman, 
lying  on  a  sofa,  in  a  dressing-gown,  with  pillows  under 
his  head,  and  Miss  Patty  Honeywood  in  attendance 
upon  him.  A  table,  covered  with  glasses  and  medi- 
cine bottles,  is  drawn  up  to  the  sufferer's  couch  in  an 
inviting  manner.  Miss  Patty  informs  the  sufferer 
that  the  time  is  come  for  him  to  take  his  draught. 
The  sufferer  groans  in  a  dismal  manner,  and  says, 
"Oh!  is  it,  my  dear?"  She  replies,  "Yes!  you  must 
take  it  now;"  and  sternly  pours  some  sherry  wine  out 
of  the  medicine  bottle  into  a  cup.  The  sufferer  makes 
piteous  faces,  and  exclaims,  "It  is  so  nasty,  I  can't 
take  it,  my  love ! "  (It  is  to  be  observed  that  Mr. 
Verdant  Green,  skilfully  taking  advantage  of  the  cir- 


AN   OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE.  30! 

cumstance  that  Miss  Patty  Honeywood  is  supposed  to 
represent  the  wife  of  the  sufferer,  plentifully  besprin- 
kles his  conversation  with  endearing  epithets.)  When, 
after  much  persuasion  and  groaning,  the  sufferer  has 
been  induced  to  take  his  medicine,  his  spouse  an- 
nounces the  arrival  of  the  doctor;  when,  enter  Mr. 
Bouncer,  still  floured  as  to  his  head,  but  wearing  spec- 
tacles, a  long  black  coat,  and  a  shirt-frill,  and  having 
his  dress  otherwise  altered  so  as  to  represent  a  medical 
man  of  the  old  school.  The  doctor  asks  what  sort  of 
a  night  his  patient  has  had,  inspects  his  tongue  with 
professional  gravity,  feels  his  pulse,  looks  at  his  watch, 
and  mysteriously  shakes  his  head.  He  then  com- 
mences thrusting  and  poking  Mr.  Verdant  Green  in 
various  parts  of  his  body,  — after  the  manner  of  doc- 
tors with  their  victims,  and  farmers  with  their  beasts, 
—  enquiring  between  each  poke,  "Does  that  hurt 
you?"  and  being  answered  by  a  convulsive  "Oh!" 
and  a  groan  of  agony.  The  doctor  then  prescribes  a 
draught  to  be  taken  every  half-hour,  with  the  pills  and 
blister  at  bed-time;  and,  after  covering  his  two  fellow- 
actors  with  confusion,  by  observing  that  he  leaves  his 
patient  in  admirable  hands,  and,  that  in  an  affection 
of  the  heart,  the  application  of  lip-salve  and  warm 
treatment  will  give  a  decided  tone  to  the  system,  and 
produce  soothing  and  grateful  emotions  —  takes  his 
leave;  and  the  folding-doors  are  closed  on  the  blushes 
of  Miss  Patty  Honeywood,  and  Mr.  Verdant  Green. 

More  applause :  more  agreeable  conversation :  more 
ingenious  speculations.  The  Revd.  Josiah  Meek  is 
now  of  opinion  that  the  word  is  either  "medicine "or 
"suffering."  Miss  Helen  still  sagely  observes,  "we 
shall  see  more  in  the  next  scene." 


3O2  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

SCENE  III.  Syllable  3. —  Mr.  Verdant  Green  discov- 
ered sitting  at  a  table  furnished  with  pens  and  ink. 
books,  and  rolls  of  paper.  Mr.  Verdant  Green  wears 
on  his  head  a  Chelsea  pensioner's  cocked-hat  (the 
"'property"  of  the  Family,  — as  Mr.  Footelights  would 


have  said)  folded  into  a  shovel  shape ;  and  is  supposed 
to  accurately  represent  the  outside  of  a  London  pub- 
lisher. To  him  enter  Mr.  Bouncer  —  the  flour  off  his 
head  —  coat  buttoned  tightly  to  the  throat,  no  visible 
linen,  and  wearing  in  his  face  and  appearance  gener- 
ally, "the  garb  of  humility."  Says  the  publisher, 
"Now,  sir,  please  to  state  your  business,  and  be  quick 
about  it :  I  am  much  engaged  in  looking  over  for  the 
press  a  work  of  a  distinguished  author,  which  I  am 


AN   OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE.  303 

just  about  to  publish."  Meekly  replies  the  other,  as  he 
holds  under  his  arm  an  immense  paper  packet :  "  It  is 
about  a  work  of  my  own,  sir,  that  I  have  now  ventured 
to  intrude  upon  you.  I  have  here,  sir,  a  small  manu- 
script," (producing  his  roll  of  a  book),  "which  I  am 
ambitious  to  see  given  to  the  world  through  the 
medium  of  your  printing  establishment."  To  him, 
the  Publisher  —  "Already  am  I  inundated  with  manu- 
scripts on  all  possible  subjects,  and  cannot  undertake 
to  look  at  any  more  for  some  time  to  come.  What  is 
the  nature  of  your  manuscript?"  Meekly  replies  the 
other  —  "The  theme  of  my  work,  sir,  is  a  History  of 
England  before  the  Flood.  The  subject  is  both  new 
and  interesting.  It  is  to  be  presumed  that  our  beloved 
country  existed  before  the  Flood :  if  so,  it  must  have 
had  a  history.  I  have  therefore  endeavoured  to  fill  up 
what  is  lacking  in  the  annals  of  our  land,  by  a  record 
of  its  antediluvian  state,  adapted  to  the  meanest  com- 
prehension, and  founded  on  the  most  baseless  facts. 
I  am  desirous,  sir,  to  see  myself  in  print.  I  should 
like  my  work,  sir,  to  appear  in  large  letters;  in  very 
large  letters,  sir.  Indeed,  sir,  it  would  give  me  joy, 
if  you  would  condescend  to  print  it  altogether  in 
capital  letters :  my  magnum  opus  might  then  be  called 
with  truth,  a  capital  work."  To  him,  the  Publisher 
—  "Much  certainly  depends  on  the  character  of  the 
printing."  Meekly  the  author — "Indeed,  sir,  it  does. 
A  great  book,  sir,  should  be  printed  in  great  letters. 
If  you  will  permit  me,  I  will  show  you  the  size  of  the 
letters  in  which  I  should  wish  my  book  to  be  printed." 
Mr.  Bouncer  then  points  out  in  some  books  on  the 
table,  the  printing  he  most  admires;  and,  beseeching 
the  Publisher  to  read  over  his  manuscript,  and  think 


304   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

favourably  of  his  History  of  England  before  the  Flood, 
makes  his  bow  to  Mr.  Verdant  Green  and  the  Chelsea 
pensioner's  cocked  hat. 

More  applause,  and  speculations.  The  Revd. 
Josiah  Meek  confident  that  he  has  discovered  the 
word.  It  must  be  either  "publisher"  or  "authorship." 
Miss  Helen  still  sage. 

SCENE  IV.  The  Word. — Miss  Bouncer  discovered 
with  her  camera,  arranging  her  photographic  chemi- 
cals. She  soliloquises.  "There!  now,  all  is  ready 
for  my  sitter."  She  calls  the  footman  (Mr.  Verdant 
Green),  and  says,  "John,  you  may  show  the  Lady 
Fitz-Canute  upstairs."  The  footman  shows  in  Miss 
Honey  wood,  dressed  in  an  antiquated  bonnet  and 
mantle,  waving  a  huge  fan.  John  gives  her  a  chair, 
into  which  she  drops,  exclaiming,  "What  an  insuffer- 
able toil  it  is  to  ascend  to  these  elevated  Photographic 
rooms;"  and  makes  good  use  of  her  fan.  Miss  Boun- 
cer then  fixes  the  focus  of  her  camera,  and  begs  the 
Lady  Fitz-Canute  to  sit  perfectly  still,  and  to  call  up 
an  agreeable  smile  to  her  face.  Miss  Honeywood 
thereupon  disposes  her  face  in  ludicrous  "wreathed 
smiles;"  and  Miss  Bouncer's  head  disappears  under 
the  velvet  hood  of  the  camera.  "I  am  afraid,"  at 
length  says  Miss  Bouncer,  "  I  am  afraid  that  I  shall 
not  be  able  to  succeed  in  taking  a  likeness  of  your 
ladyship  this  morning."  "And  why,  pray?"  asks  her 
ladyship  with  haughty  surprise.  "Because  it  is  a 
gloomy  day,"  replies  the  Photographer,  "and  much 
depends  upon  the  rays  of  light."  "Then  procure  the 
rays  of  light!"  "That  is  more  than  I  can  do." 
"  Indeed !  I  suppose  if  the  Lady  Fitz-Canute  wishes 
for  the  rays  of  light,  and  condescends  to  pay  for  the 


AN   OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE.  305 

rays  of  light,  she  can  obtain  the  rays  of  light."  Miss 
Bouncer  considers  this  too  exigeant,  and  puts  her 
sitter  off  by  promising  to  complete  a  most  fascinating 
portrait  of  her  on  some  more  favourable  day.  Lady 
Fitz-Canute  appears  to  be  somewhat  mollified  at  this, 
and  is  graciously  pleased  to  observe,  "Then  I  will 
undergo  the  fatigue  of  ascending  to  these  elevated 
Photographic  rooms  at  some  future  period.  But,  mind, 
when  I  next  come,  that  you  procure  the  rays  of  light ! " 
So  she  is  shown  out  by  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  and  the 
folding-doors  are  closed  amid  applause,  and  the  audi- 
ence distract  themselves  with  guesses  as  to  the  word. 

"Photograph"  is  a  general  favorite, but  is  found  not 
to  agree  with  the  three  first  scenes,  although  much 
ingenuity  is  expended  in  endeavouring  to  make  them 
fit  the  word.  The  Curate  makes  a  headlong  rush  at 
the  word  "Daguerreotype,"  and  is  confident  that  he 
has  solved  the  problem,  until  he  is  informed  that  it  is 
a  word  of  more  than  three  syllables.  Charles  Larkyns 
has  already  whispered  the  word  to  Mary  Green;  but 
they  keep  their  discovery  to  themselves.  At  length, 
the  Revd.  Josiah  Meek,  in  a  moment  of  inspiration, 
hits  upon  the  word,  and  proclaims  it  to  be  CALOTYPE 
( "  Call  —  oh !  —  type ;  "  )  upon  which  Mr.  Alfred  Brin- 
dle  declares  to  Miss  Fanny  Green  that  he  had  fancied 
it  must  be  that,  all  along,  and,  in  fact,  was  just  on 
the  point  of  saying  it :  and  the  actors,  coming  in  in  a 
body,  receive  the  violet-crowns  and  laurel-wreaths  of 
praise  as  the  meed  of  their  exertions.  Perhaps,  the 
Miss  Honeywoods  and  Mr.  Bouncer  receive  larger 
crowns  than  the  others,  but  Mr.  Verdant  Green  gets 
his  due  share,  and  is  fully  satisfied  with  his  first 
appearance  on  "the  boards." 


306  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

Dancing  then  succeeds,  varied  by  songs  from  the 
young  ladies,  and  discharges  of  chromatic  fireworks 
from  the  fingers  of  Miss  Waters,  for  whom  Charles 
Larkyns  does  the  polite,  in  turning  over  the  leaves  of 


her  music.  Then  some  carol-singers  come  to  the 
Hall-door,  and  the  bells  of  the  church  proclaim,  in  joy- 
ful peals,  the  birth  of  the  New  Year ;  —  a  new  year  of 
hopes,  and  joys,  and  cares,  and  griefs,  and  unions,  and 
partings;  —  a  new  year  of  which,  who  then  present 
shall  see  the  end  ?  who  shall  be  there  to  welcome  in 
its  successor?  who  shall  be  absent,  laid  in  the  secret 
places  of  the  earth ?  Ah,  Who?  For,  even  in  the  midst 
of  revelry  and  youth,  the  joy-peals  of  those  old  church 
bells  can  strike  the  key-note  of  a  wail  of  grief. 


AN   OXFORD  UNDERGRADUATE.  307 

Another  charade  follows,  in  which  new  actors  join. 
Then  comes  a  merry  supper,  in  which  Mr.  Alfred 
Brindle,  in  order  to  give  himself  courage  to  appear  in 
the  next  charade,  takes  more  champagne  than  is  good 
for  him;  in  which,  too  (probably,  from  similar  cham- 
pagney  reasons),  Miss  Parkington's  unfortunately 
self-willed  nose  again  assumes  a  more  roseate  hue 
than  is  becoming  to  a  maiden;  in  which,  too,  Mr. 
Verdant  Green  being  called  upon  to  return  thanks  for 
"  the  ladies  "  —  (toast,  proposed  in  eloquent  terms  by 
H.  Bouncer,  Esq.,  and  drunk  "with  the  usual  hon- 
ours,")—  is  so  alarmed  at  finding  himself  upon  his 
legs,  that  his  ideas  altogether  vanish,  and  in  great 
confusion  of  utterance,  he  observes,  —  "I  —  I  —  ladies 
and  gentlemen  —  feel  —  I  —  I  —  a  —  feel  —  assure  you 

—  grattered  and  flattified  —  I  mean,  flattered  and 
gratified  —  being  called  on  —  return  thanks  —  I  —  I  — 
a  —  the  ladies  —  give  a  larm  to  chife — I  mean,  charm 
to  life  —  (applause)  and  —  a  —  a  —  grace  by  their  table 
this  presence,  —  I  mean  —  a  —  a  —  (applause),  —  and 
joytened  our  eye  —  I  mean,  heighted  our  joy  to  night 

-  (afplause),  —  in  their  name  —  thanks  —  honour. " 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  takes  advantage  of  the  applause 
which  follows  these  incoherent  remarks,  and  sits 
down,  covered  with  confusion,  but  thankful  that  the 
struggle  is  over. 

More  dancing  follows.  Our  hero  performs  prodigies 
in  the  valse  a  deux  temps,  and  twirls  about  until  he 
has  not  a  leg  left  to  stand  upon.  The  harp,  the  violin, 
and  the  cornet-a-piston,  from  the  county-town,  play 
mechanically  in  their  sleep,  and  can  only  be  roused  by 
repeated  applications  of  gin-and-water.  Carriages  are 
ordered  round :  wraps  are  in  requisition :  the  mysteri- 


308   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

ous  rites  under  the  white-berried  bush  are  stealthily 
repeated  for  the  last  time :  the  guests  depart,  as  it 
were,  in  a  heap;  the  Rectory  party  being  the  last  to 
leave.  The  intelligent  Mr.  Mole,  who  has  fuddled 
himself  by  an  injudicious  mixture  of  the  half-glasses 
of  wine  left  on  the  supper-table,  is  exasperated  with 
the  butler  for  not  allowing  him  to  assist  in  putting 
away  the  silver;  and  declares  that  he  (the  butler)  is 
"a  hold  himage,"  for  which,  he  (the  intelligent  Mr. 
M.),  "don't  care  a  button!"  and,  as  the  epithet 
"  image  "  appears  to  wondrously  offend  the  butler,  Mr. 
Mole  is  removed  from  further  consequences  by  his 
intelligent  wife,  who  is  waiting  to  conduct  her  lord 
and  master  home. 

At  length,  the  last  light  is  out  in  the  Manor-Green. 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  is  lying  uncomfortably  upon  his 
back,  and  is  waltzing  through  Dreamland  with  the 
blooming  Patty  Honeywood. 


CHAPTER   X. 


MR.    VERDANT    GREEN    ENJOYS    A    REAL    CIGAR. 

THE  Christmas  vacation  passed  rapidly  away;  the 
Honeywood  family  returned  to  the  far  north; 
and,  once  more,  Mr.  Verdant  Green  found  himself 
within  the  walls  of  Brazenface.  He  and  Mr.  Bouncer 
had  together  gone  up  to  Oxford,  leaving  Charles  Lar- 
kyns  behind  to  keep  a  grace-term. 

Charles  Larkyns  had  determined  to  take  a  good 
degree.  For  some  time  past,  he  had  been  reading 
steadily;  and,  though  only  a  few  hours  in  each  day 
may  be  given  to  books  —  yet,  when  that  is  done  with 
regularity  and  painstaking,  a  real  and  sensible  progress 
is  made.  He  knew  that  he  had  good  abilities,  and  he 


3IO   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

had  determined  not  to  let  them  remain  idle  any  longer, 
but  to  make  that  use  of  them  for  which  they  were  given 
to  him.  His  examination  would  come  on  during  the 
next  term ;  and  he  hoped  to  turn  the  interval  to  good 
account,  and  be  able  in  the  end  to  take  a  respectable  de- 
gree. He  was  destined  for  the  Bar;  and,  as  he  had  no 
wish  to  be  a  briefless  Barrister,  he  knew  that  college 
honours  would  be  of  great  advantage  to  him  in  his  after 
career.  He  at  once,  therefore,  set  bodily  to  work  to 
read  up  his  subjects;  while  his  father  assisted  him  in 
his  labours,  and  Mary  Green  smiled  a  kind  approval. 

Meanwhile  his  friends,  Mr.  Verdant  Green  and  Mr. 
Henry  Bouncer,  were  enjoying  Oxford  life,  and  dis- 
porting themselves  among  the  crowd  of  skaters  in  the 
Christ  Church  meadows.  And  a  very  different  scene 
did  the  meadows  present  to  the  time  when  they  had 
last  skimmed  over  its  surface.  Then,  the  green  fields 
were  covered  with  sailing-boats,  out-riggers,  and  punts, 
and  Mr.  Verdant  Green  had  nearly  come  to  an  untimely 
end  in  the  waters.  But  now  the  scene  was  changed ! 
Jack  Frost  had  stepped  in,  and  had  seized  the  flood  in 
his  frozen  fingers,  and  had  bound  it  up  in  an  icy 
breast-plate. 

And  a  capital  place  did  the  meadows  make  for  any 
Undergraduate  who  was  either  a  professed  skater,  or 
whose  skating  education  (as  in  the  case  of  our  hero) 
had  been  altogether  neglected.  For  the  water  was 
only  of  a  moderate  depth ;  so  that,  in  the  event  of  the 
ice  giving  way,  there  was  nothing  to  fear  beyond  a 
slight  and  partial  ducking.  This  was  especially  for- 
tunate for  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  who,  after  having 
experienced  total  submersion  and  a  narrow  escape 
from  drowning  on  that  very  spot,  would  never  have 


AN   OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE.  311 

been  induced  to  again  commit  himself  to  the  surface 
of  the  deep,  had  he  not  been  fully. convinced  that  the 
deep  had  now  subsided  into  a  shallow.  With  his 
breast  fortified  by  this  resolution,  he  therefore  fell  a 
victim  to  the  syren  tongue  of  Mr.  Bouncer,  when  that 
gentleman  observed  to  him  with  sincere  feeling, 
"  Gig-lamps,  old  fellow !  it  would  be  a  beastly  shame, 
when  there  's  such  jolly  ice,  if  you  did  not  learn  to 
skate;  especially,  as  I  can  show  you  the  trick." 

For  Mr.  Bouncer  was  not  only  skilful  with  his 
hands  and  arms,  but  could  also  perform  feats  with  his 
feet.  He  could  not  only  dance  quadrilles  in  dress 
boots  in  a  ball-room,  but  he  could  also  go  through  the 
figures  on  the  ice  in  a  pair  of  skates.  He  could  do 
the  outside  edge  at  a  more  acute  angle  than  the  gener- 
ality of  people ;  he  could  cut  figures  of  eight  that  were 
worthy  of  Cocker  himself,  he  could  display  spread- 
eagles  that  would  have  astonished  the  Fellows  of  the 
Zoological  Society.  He  could  skim  over  the  thinnest 
ice  in  the  most  don't-care  way;  and,  when  at  full  speed, 
would  stoop  to  pick  up  a  stone.  He  would  take  a  hop- 
skip-and-a-jump;  and  would  vault  over  walking-sticks 
as  easily  as  if  he  were  on  dry  land, — an  accomplishment 
which  he  had  learnt  of  the  Count  Doembrownski,  a 
Russian  gentleman,  who,  in  his  own  country,  lived 
chiefly  on  skates,  and,  in  this  country,  on  pigeons,  and 
whose  short  residence  in  Oxford  was  suddenly  brought 
to  a  full  stop  by  the  arbitrary  power  of  the  Vice- 
Chancellor.  So,  Mr.  Verdant  Green  was  persuaded  to 
purchase,  and  put  on  a  pair  of  skates,  and  to  make  his 
first  appearance  as  a  skater  in  the  Christ  Church 
meadows,  under  the  auspices  of  Mr.  Bouncer. 

The  sensation  of  first  finding  yourself  in  a  pair  of 


312  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

skates  is  peculiar.  It  is  not  unlike  the  sensation 
which  must  have  been  felt  by  the  young  bear,  when  he 
was  dropped  from  his  mamma's  mouth,  and,  for  the 
first  time,  told  to  walk.  The  poor  little  bear  felt, 
that  it  was  all  very  well  to  say  "walk,"  —  but  how  was 
he  to  do  it  ?  Was  he  to  walk  with  his  right  fore-leg 
only?  or,  with  his  left  fore-leg?  or,  with  both  his  fore- 
legs? or,  was  he  to  walk  with  his  right  hind-leg?  or, 
with  his  left  hind-leg?  or,  with  both  his  hind-legs?  or, 
was  he  to  make  a  combination  of  hind  and  fore-legs, 
and  walk  with  all  four  at  once?  or,  what  was  he  to 
do?  So  he  tried  each  of  these  ways;  and  they  all 
failed.  Poor  little  bear! 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  felt  very  much  in  the  little 
bear's  condition.  He  was  undecided  whether  to  skate 
with  his  right  leg,  or  with  his  left  leg,  or  with  both 
his  legs.  He  tried  his  right  leg,  and  immediately  it 
glided  off  at  right  angles  with  his  body,  while  his  left 
leg  performed  a  similar  and  spontaneous  movement  in 
the  contrary  direction.  Having  captured  his  left  leg, 
he  put  it  cautiously  forwards,  and  immediately  it 
twisted  under  him,  while  his  right  leg  amused  itself 
by  describing  an  altogether  unnecessary  circle.  Obtain- 
ing a  brief  mastery  over  both  legs,  he  put  them  forwards 
at  the  same  moment,  and  they  fled  from  beneath  him, 
and  he  was  flung  —  bump!  —  on  his  back.  Poor  little 
bear! 

But,  if  it  is  hard  to  make  a  start  in  a  pair  of  skates 
when  you  are  in  a  perpendicular  position,  how  much  is 
the  difficulty  increased  when  your  position  has  become 
a  horizontal  one !  You  raise  yourself  on  your  knees, 
—  you  assist  yourself  with  your  hands,  —  and,  no 
sooner  have  you  got  one  leg  right,  than  away  slides 


AN   OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE.  313 

the  other,  and  down  you  go.  It  is  like  the  movement 
in  that  scene  with  the  pair  of  short  stilts,  in  which  the 
French  clowns  are  so  amusing,  and  it  is  almost  as 
difficult  to  perform.  Mr.  Verdant  Green  soon  found 
that  though  he  might  be  ambitious  to  excel  in  the 
polite  accomplishment  of  skating,  yet  that  his  ambi- 
tion was  destined  to  meet  with  many  a  fall.  But  he 
persevered,  and  perseverance  will  achieve  wonders, 
especially  when  aided  by  the  tuition  of  such  an  inde- 
fatigable gentleman  as  Mr.  Bouncer. 

"You  get  on  stunningly,  Gig-lamps,"  said  the  little 
gentleman,  "and  havn't  been  on  your  beam  ends  more 
than  once  a  minute.  But  I  should  advise  you,  old 
fellow,  to  get  your  sit-upons  seated  with  wash-leather, 

just  like  the  eleventh  hussars  do  with  their  cherry- 
coloured  pants.  It  '11  come  cheaper  in  the  end,  and 
may  be  productive  of  comfort.  And  now,  after  all 
these  exciting  ups  and  downs,  let  us  go  and  have  a 
quiet  hand  at  billiards."  So  the  two  friends  strolled 
up  the  High,  where  they  saw  two  Queensmen  "con- 
fessing their  shame,"  as  Mr.  Bouncer  phrased  it,  by 
standing  under  the  gateway  of  their  college;  and  went 
on  to  Bickerton's,  where  they  found  all  the  tables 
occupied,  and  Jonathan  playing  a  match  with  Mr. 
Fluke  of  Christchurch.  So,  after  watching  the  cele- 
brated marker  long  enough  to  inspire  them  with  a 
desire  to  accomplish  similar  feats  of  dexterity,  they 
continued  their  walk  to  Broad  Street,  and,  turning  up 
a  yard  opposite  to  the  Clarendon,  found  that  Betteris 
had  an  upstair  room  at  liberty.  Here  they  accom- 
plished several  pleasing  mathematical  problems  with 
the  balls,  and  contributed  their  modicum  towards  the 
smoking  of  the  ceiling  of  the  room. 


314  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

Since  Mr.  Verdant  Green  had  acquired  the  art  of 
getting  through  a  cigar  without  making  himself  ill,  he 
had  looked  upon  himself  as  a  genuine  smoker;  and 
had,  from  time  to  time,  bragged  of  his  powers  as 
regarded  the  fumigation  of  "the  herb  Nicotiana,  com- 
monly called  tobacco,"  (as  the  Oxford  statute  tersely 
says).  This  was  an  amiable  weakness  on  his  part  that 


had  not  escaped  the  observant  eye  of  Mr.  Bouncer, 
who  had  frequently  taken  occasion,  in  the  presence  of 
his  friends,  to  defer  to  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  judgment 
in  the  matter  of  cigars.  The  train  of  adulation  being 
thus  laid,  an  opportunity  was  only  needed  to  fire  it. 
It  soon  came. 

"Once  upon  a  time,"  as  the  story-books  say,  it 
chanced  that  Mr.  Bouncer  was  consuming  his  minutes 
and  cigars  at  his  tobacconist's,  when  his  eye  lighted 
for  the  thousandth  time  on  the  roll  of  cabbage-leaves, 
brown  paper,  and  refuse  tobacco,  which  being  done  up 


AN   OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE.  315 

into  the  form  of  a  monster  cigar  (a  foot  long,  and  of 
proportionate  thickness),  was  hung  in  the  shop-window, 
and  did  duty  as  a  truthful  token  of  the  commodity 
vended  within.  Mr.  Bouncer  had  looked  at  this  imple- 
ment nine  hundred  and  ninety  nine  times,  without  its 
suggesting  any  thing  else  to  his  mind,  than  its  being 


of  the  same  class  of  art  as  the  monster  mis-representa- 
tions outside  wild-beast  shows;  but  he  now  gazed 
upon  it  with  new  sensations.  In  short,  Mr.  Bouncer 
took  such  a  fancy  to  the  thing,  that  he  purchased  it, 
and  took  it  off  to  his  rooms,  — though  he  did  not  men- 
tion this  fact  to  his  friend,  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  when 
he  saw  him  soon  afterwards,  and  spoke  to  him  of  his 
excellent  judgment  in  tobacco. 

"  A  taste  for  smoke  comes  natural,  Gig-lamps !  "  said 
Mr.  Bouncer.  "It's  what  you  call  a  nascitur  non  fit ; 
and,  if  you  haven't  the  gift,  why  you  can't  purchase 


316  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

it.  Now,  you're  a  judge  of  smoke;  it's  a  gift  with 
you,  don't  you  see;  and  you  could  no  more  help  know- 
ing a  good  weed  from  a  bad  one,  than  you  could  help 
waggling  your  tail  if  you  were  a  baa-lamb." 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  bowed,  and  blushed,  in  acknowl- 
edgment of  this  delightful  flattery. 

"Now,  there  's  old  Footelights,  you  know;  he  's  got 
an  uncle,  who  's  a  governor,  or  some  great  swell,  out 
in  Barbadoes.  Well,  every  now  and  then  the  old  trump 
sends  Footelights  no  end  of  a  box  of  weeds ;  not  com- 
mon ones,  you  understand,  but  regular  tip-toppers; 
but  they  're  quite  thrown  away  on  poor  Footelights, 
who  'd  think  as  much  of  cabbage- leaves  as  he  would  of 
real  Havannahs,  so  he  's  always  obliged  to  ask  some- 
body else's  opinion  about  them.  Well,  he  's  got  a 
sample  of  a  weed  of  a  most  terrific  kind:  —  'Mag- 
nifico  Pomposo  '  is  the  name;  —  no  end  uncommon, 
and  at  least  a  foot  long.  We  don't  meet  with  'em  in 
England  because  they  're  too  expensive  to  import. 
Well,  it  wouldn't  do  to  throw  away  such  a  weed  as 
this  on  any  one;  so,  Footelights  wants  to  have  the 
opinion  of  a  man  who  's  really  a  judge  of  what  a  good 
weed  is.  I  refused,  because  my  taste  has  been  rather 
out  of  order  lately;  and  Billy  Blades  is  in  training  for 
Henley,  so  he's  obliged  to  decline;  so  I  told  him  of 
you,  Gig-lamps,  and  said,  that  if  there  was  a  man  in 
Brazenface  that  could  tell  him  what  his  Magnifico 
Pomposo  was  worth,  that  man  was  Verdant  Green. 
Don't  blush,  old  feller!  you  can't  help  having  a  fine 
judgment,  you  know;  so  don't  be  ashamed  of  it.  Now, 
you  must  wine  with  me  this  evening;  Footelights  and 
some  more  men  are  coming;  and  we  're  all  anxious  to 
hear  your  opinion  about  these  new  weeds,  because,  if 


AN   OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE. 


317 


it 's  favourable  we  can  club  together,  and  import  a 
box."  Mr.  Bouncer's  victim,  being  perfectly  uncon- 
scious of  the  trap  laid  for  him,  promised  to  come  to 
the  wine,  and  give  his  opinion  on  this  weed  of  fabled 
size  and  merit. 

When  the  evening  and  company  had  come,  he  was 
rather  staggered  at  beholding  the  dimensions  of  the 
pseudo-cigar;  but,  rashly  judging  that  to  express  sur- 
prise would  be  to  betray  ignorance,  Mr.  Verdant  Green 
inspected  the  formidable  monster  with  the  air  of  a 
connoisseur,  and  smelt,  pinched,  and  rolled  his  tongue 
round  it,  after  the  manner  of  the  best  critics.  If  this 
was  a  diverting  spectacle  to  the  assembled  guests  of 
Mr.  Bouncer,  how  must  the  humour  of  the  scene  have 
been  increased,  when  our  hero,  with  great  difficulty, 
lighted  the  cigar,  and,  with  still  greater  difficulty, 
held  it  in  his  mouth,  and  endeavoured  to  smoke  it ! 
As  Mr.  Foote  afterwards  observed,  "  it  was  a  situation 
for  a  screaming  farce." 

"It  doesn't  draw  well!"  faltered  the  victim,  as  the 
bundle  of  rubbish  went  out  for  the  fourth  time. 

"Why,  that's  always  the  case  with  the  Barbadoes 
baccy ! "  said  Mr.  Bouncer ;  "  it  takes  a  long  pull,  and 
a  strong  pull,  and  a  pull  all  together  to  get  it  to  make 
a  start ;  but  when  once  it  does  go,  it  goes  beautiful  — 
like  a  house  a-fire.  But  you  can't  expect  it  to  be  like 
a  common  threepenny  weed.  Here  !  let  me  light  him 
for  you,  Gig-lamps;  I  '11  give  the  beggar  a  dig  in  his 
ribs,  as  a  gentle  persuader. "  Mr.  Bouncer  thereupon 
poked  his  pen-knife  through  the  rubbish,  and  after  a 
time  induced  it  to  "draw;"  and  Mr.  Verdant  Green 
pulled  at  it  furiously,  and  made  his  eyes  water  with 
the  unusual  cloud  of  smoke  that  he  raised. 


318   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

"And  now,  what  d'ye  think  of  it,  my  beauty?" 
inquired  Mr.  Bouncer.  "It's  something  out  of  the 
common,  ain't  it?  " 

"  It  has  a  beautiful  ash !  "  observed  Mr.  Smalls. 

"  And  diffuses  an  aroma  that  makes  me  long  to  defy 
the  trainer,  and  smoke  one  like  it !  "  said  Mr.  Blades. 

"So  pray  give  me  your  reading  —  at  least,  your 
opinion,  —  on  my  Magnifico  Pomposo !  "  asked  Mr. 
Foote. 

"Well,"  answered  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  slowly  — 
turning  very  pale  as  he  spoke,  — "at  first,  I  thought  it 
was  be-yew-tiful ;  but,  altogether,  I  think  —  that  —  the 
Barbadoes  tobacco  —  does  n't  quite  —  agree  with  —  my 
stom  —  "  the  speaker  abruptly  concluded  by  dropping 
the  cigar,  putting  his  handkerchief  to  his  mouth,  and 
rushing  into  Mr.  Bouncer's  bed-room.  The  Magnifico 
Pomposo  had  been  too  much  for  him,  and  had  produced 
sensations  accurately  interpreted  by  Mr.  Bouncer,  who 
forthwith  represented  in  expressive  pantomine,  the 
actions  of  a  distressed  voyager,  when  he  feebly  mur- 
murs, "  Steward ! " 

To  atone  for  the  "chaffing"  which  he  had  been  the 
means  of  inflicting  on  his  friend,  the  little  gentleman, 
a  few  days  afterwards,  proposed  to  take  our  hero  to  the 
Chipping  Norton  Steeple-chase,  —  Mr.  Smalls  and 
Mr.  Fosbrooke  making  up  the  quartet  for  a  tandem. 
It  was  on  their  return  from  the  races,  that,  after  hav- 
ing stopped  at  "The  Bear"  at  Woodstock,  "to  wash 
out  the  horses'  mouths,"  and  having  done  this  so 
effectually  that  the  horses  had  appeared  to  have  no 
mouths  left,  and  had  refused  to  answer  the  reins,  and 
had  smashed  the  cart  against  a  house,  which  had 
seemed  to  have  danced  into  the  middle  of  the  road  for 


AN  OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE. 


319 


their  diversion,  — and,  after  having  put  back  to  "The 
Bear,"  and  prevailed  upon  that  animal  to  lend  them  a 
nondescript  vehicle  of  the  "pre-adamite  buggy"  spe- 
cies, described  by  Sidney  Smith, — that,  much  time 
having  been  consumed  by  the  progress  of  this  chapter 
of  accidents,  they  did  not  reach  Peyman's  Gate  until 
a  late  hour ;  and  Mr.  Verdant  Green  found  that  he  was 


once  more  in  difficulties.  For  they  had  no  sooner  got 
through  the  gate,  than  the  wild  octaves  from  Mr. 
Bouncer's  post-horn  were  suddenly  brought  to  a  full 
stop,  and  Mr.  Fosbrooke,  who  was  the  "waggoner," 
was  brought  to  Woh!  and  was  compelled  to  pull  up 
in  obedience  to  the  command  of  the  proctor,  who,  as 
on  a  previous  occasion,  suddenly  appeared  from  behind 
the  toll-house,  in  company  with  his  marshall  and  bull- 
dogs. 

The  Sentence  pronounced  on  our  hero  the  next 
day,  was,  "Sir!  —  You  will  translate  all  your  lec- 
tures; have  your  name  crossed  on  the  buttery  and 


320   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

kitchen  books;  and  be  confined  to   chapel,   hall,  and 
college." 

This  sentence  was  chiefly  annoying,  inasmuch  as 
it  somewhat  interfered  with  the  duties  and  pleasures 
attendant  upon  his  boating  practice.  For,  wonderful 
to  relate,  Mr.  Verdant  Green  had  so  much  improved 
in  the  science,  that  he  was  now  "  Number  3  "  of  his 
college  "Torpid,"  and  was  in  hard  training.  The 
Torpid  races  commenced  on  March  loth,  and  were 
continued  on  the  following  days.  Our  hero  sent  his 
father  a  copy  of  "  Tintinnabulum's  Life, "  which  —  after 
informing  the  Manor  Green  family  that  "the  boats 
took  up  positions  in  the  following  order:  Brazenose, 
Exeter  I,  Wadham,  Baliol,  St.  John's,  Pembroke,  Uni- 
versity, Oriel,  Brazenface,  Christ  Church  i,  Worcester, 
Jesus,  Queen's,  Christ  Church  2,  Exeter  2"  —  pro- 
ceeded to  enter  into  particulars  of  each  day's  sport,  of 
which  it  is  only  necessary  to  record  such  as  gave  inter- 
est to  our  hero's  family. 

"  First  day.  .  .  .  Brazenface  refused  to  acknowl- 
edge the  bump  by  Christ  Church  (i)  before  they  came 
to  the  Cherwell.  There  is  very  little  doubt  but  that 
they  were  bumped  at  the  Gut  and  the  Willows.  .  .  . 

"Second  day.  .  .  .  Brazenface  rowed  pluckily  away 
from  Worcester.  .  .  . 

"Third  day.  .  .  .  A  splendid  race  between  Brazen- 
face  and  Worcester;  and,  at  the  flag,  the  latter  were 
within  a  foot;  they  did  not,  however,  succeed  in 
bumping.  The  cheering  from  the  Brazenface  barge 
was  vociferous.  .  .  . 

"  Fourth  day.  .  .  .  Worcester  was  more  fortunate, 
and  succeeded  in  making  the  bump  at  the  Cherwell,  in 
consequence  of  No.  3  of  the  Brazenface  boat  fainting 
from  fatigue." 


AN   OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE.  .        321 

Under  "  No.  3  "  Mr.  Verdant  Green  had  drawn  a 
pencil  line,  and  had  written  "V.  G. "  He  shortly 
after  related  to  his  family  the  gloomy  particulars  of 
the  bump,  when  he  returned  home  for  the  Easter 
vacation. 


322   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 


CHAPTER  XI. 


MR.  VERDANT  GREEN  GETS  THROUGH  HIS  SMALLS. 


DESPITE  the  hindrance 
which  the  grande 
passion  is  supposed 
to  bring  to  the  stu- 
dent, Charles  Lar- 
kyns  had  made  very 
good  use  of  the  op- 
portunities afforded 
him  by  the  leisure 
of  his  grace-term. 
Indeed,  as  he  him- 
self observed, 


"  Who  hath  not  owned,  with  rapture-smitten  frame, 
The  power  of  grace  ?  " 

And  as  he  felt  that  the  hours  of  his  grace-term  had  not 
been  wasted  in  idleness,  but  had  been  turned  to  profit- 
able account,  it  is  not  at  all  unlikely  that  his  pleasures 
of  hope  regarding  his  Degree-examination,  and  the 
position  his  name  would  occupy  in  the  Class-list, 
were  of  a  roseate  hue.  He  therefore,  when  the  Easter 
vacation  had  come  to  an  end,  returned  to  Oxford  in 
high  spirits,  with  our  hero  and  his  friend  Mr.  Bouncer, 
who,  after  a  brief  visit  to  "the  Mum,"  had  passed  the 


AN   OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE.  323 

remainder  of  the  vacation  at  the  Manor  Green.  Dur- 
ing these  few  holiday  weeks,  Charles  Larkyns  had 
acted  as  private  tutor  to  his  two  friends,  and  had,  in 
the  language  of  Mr.  Bouncer,  "put  them  through  their 
paces  uncommon ;  "  for  the  little  gentleman  was  going 
in  for  his  Degree,  alias  Great-go,  alias  Greats;  and 
our  hero  for  his  first  examination  in  literis  humaniori- 
bns,  alias  Responsions,  alias  Little-go,  alias  Smalls. 
Thus  the  friends  returned  to  Oxford  mutually  benefited ; 
but,  as  the  time  for  examination  drew  nearer  and  still 
nearer,  the  fears  of  Mr.  Bouncer  rose  in  a  gradation  of 
terrors,  that  threatened  to  culminate  in  an  actual 
panic. 

"You  see,"  said  the  little  gentleman,  "the  Mum's 
set  her  heart  on  my  getting  through,  and  I  must  read 
like  the  doose.  And  I  havn't  got  the  head,  you  see, 
for  Latin  and  Greek;  and  that  beastly  Euclid  alto- 
gether stumps  me ;  and  I  feel  as  though  I  should  come 
to  grief.  I'm  blowed,"  the  little  gentleman  would 
cry,  earnestly  and  sadly,  "  I  'm  blow'd  if  I  don't  think 
they  must  have  given  me  too  much  pap  when  I  was  a 
babby,  and  softened  my  brains!  or  else,  why  can't  I 
walk  into  these  classical  parties  just  as  easy  as  you, 
Charley,  or  old  Gig-lamps  there?  But  I  can't,  you  see: 
my  brains  are  addled.  They  say  it  ain't  a  bad  thing 
for  reading  to  get  your  head  shaved.  It  cools  your 
brains,  and  gives  full  play  to  what  you  call  your  intel- 
lectual faculties.  I  think  I  shall  try  the  dodge,  and 
get  a  gent's  real  head  of  hair,  till  after  the  exam. ;  and 
then,  when  I  've  stumped  the  examiners,  I  can  wear 
my  own  luxuriant  locks  again." 

And,  as  Mr.  Bouncer  professed,  so  did  he;  and,  not 
many  days  after,  astonished  his  friends  and  the  Uni- 


324  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

versity  generally  by  appearing  in  a  wig  of  curly  black 
hair.  It  was  a  pleasing  sight  to  see  the  little  gentle- 
man with  a  scalp  like  a  billiard  ball,  a  pipe  in  his 
mouth,  and  the  wig  mounted  on  a  block,  with  books 
spread  before  him,  endeavouring  to  persuade  himself 
that  he  was  working  up  his  subjects.  It  was  still  more 
pleasing  to  view  him,  in  moments  of  hilarity,  divest 
himself  of  his  wig,  and  hurl  it  at  the  scout,  or  any 
other  offensive  object  that  appeared  before  him.  And 
it  was  a  sight  not  to  be  forgotten  by  the  beholders, 
when,  after  too  recklessly  partaking  of  an  indiscrimi- 
nate mixture  of  egg-flip,  sangaree,  and  cider-cup,  he 
feebly  threw  his  wig  at  the  spectacles  of  Mr.  Verdant 
Green,  and,  overbalanced  by  the  exertion,  fell  back 
into  the  coal-scuttle,  where  he  lay,  bald-headed  and 
helpless,  laughing  and  weeping  by  turns,  and  caressed 
by  Huz  and  Buz. 

But  the  shaving  of  his  head  was  not  the  only  feature 
(or,  rather,  loss  of  feature)  that  distinguished  Mr. 
Bouncer's  reading  for  his  degree.  The  gentleman 
with  the  limited  knowledge  of  the  cornet-a-piston, 
who  had  the  rooms  immediately  beneath  those  of  our 
hero  and  his  friend,  had  made  such  slow  progress  in 
his  musical  education,  that  he  had  even  now  scarcely 
got  into  his  "Cottage  near  a  Wood."  This  gentleman 
was  Mr.  Bouncer's  Frankenstein.  He  was  always 
rising  up  when  he  was  not  wanted.  When  Mr.  Boun- 
cer felt  as  if  he  could  read,  and  sat  down  to  his  books, 
wigless  and  determined,  the  doleful  legend  of  the 
cottage  near  a  wood  was  forced  upon  him  in  an 
unpleasingly  obtrusive  and  distracting  manner.  It 
was  in  vain  that  Mr.  Bouncer  sounded  his  octaves  in 
all  their  discordant  variations;  the  gentleman  had  no 


AN  OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE.  325 

ear,  and  was  not  to  be  put  out  of  his  cottage  on  any 
terms :  Mr.  Bouncer's  notices  of  ejectment  were  always 
disregarded.  He  had  hoped  that  the  ears  of  Mr. 
Slowcoach  (whose  rooms  were  in  the  angle  of  the 
Quad)  would  have  been  pierced  by  the  no'ise,  and  that 
he  would  have  put  a  stop  to  the  nuisance;  but,  either 
from  its  being  too  customary  a  custom,  or  that  the  ears 
of  Mr.  Slowcoach  had  grown  callous,  the  nuisance  was 
suffered  to  continue  unreproved. 

Mr.  Bouncer  resolved,  therefore,  on  some  desperate 
method  of  calling  attention  to  one  nuisance,  by  crea- 
ting another  of  a  louder  description;  and,  as  his 
octaves  appeared  to  fail  in  this,  —  notwithstanding  the 
energy  and  annoying  ability  that  he  threw  into  them, 
—  he  conceived  the  idea  of  setting  up  a  drum !  The 
plan  was  no  sooner  thought  of  than  carried  out. 
He  met  with  an  instrument  sufficiently  large  and  for- 
midable for  his  purpose, —  hired  it,  and  had  it  stealthily 
conveyed  into  college  (like  another  Falstaff)  in  a  linen 
"buck-basket."  He  waited  his  opportunity;  and,  the 
next  time  that  the  gentleman  in  the  rooms  beneath 
took  his  cornet  to  his  cottage  near  a  wood,  Mr.  Boun- 
cer, stationed  on  the  landing  above,  played  a  thundering 
accompaniment  on  his  big  drum. 

The  echoes  from  the  tightened  parchment  rolled 
round  the  Quad,  and  brought  to  the  spot  a  rush  of 
curious  and  excited  undergraduates.  Mr.  Bouncer,  — 
after  taking  off  his  wig  in  honour  of  the  air,  —  then 
treated  them  to  the  National  Anthem,  arranged  as  a 
drum  solo  for  two  sticks,  the  chorus  being  sustained 
by  the  voices  of  those  present;  when  in  the  midst  of 
the  entertainment,  the  reproachful  features  of  Mr. 
Slowcoach  appeared  upon  the  scene.  Sternly  the  tutor 


326   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 


demanded  the  reason  of  the  strange  hubbub ;  and  was 
answered  by  Mr.  Bouncer,  that,  as  one  gentleman  was 
allowed  to  play  his  favourite  instrument  whenever  he 
chose,  for  his  own  but  no  one  else's  gratification,  he 

could  not  see  why  he 
(Mr.  Bouncer)  might 
not  also,  whenever 
he  pleased,  play  for 
his  own  gratification 
his  favourite  instru- 
ment  —  the  big 
drum.  This  specious 
excuse,  although 
logical,  was  not  al- 
together satisfactory 
to  Mr.  Slowcoach; 
and,  with  some  as- 
perity, he  ordered 
Mr.  Bouncer  never 
again  to  indulge  in, 
what  he  termed  (in 

reference  probably  to  the  little  gentleman's  bald  head) 
"such  an  indecent  exhibition."  But,  as  he  further 
ordered  that  the  cornet-a-piston  gentleman  was  to  in- 
strumentally  enter  into  his  cottage  near  a  wood,  only 
at  stated  hours  in  the  afternoon,  Mr.  Bouncer  had 
gained  his  point  in  putting  a  stop  to  the  nuisance  so 
far  as  it  interfered  with  his  reading;  and,  thenceforth, 
he  might  be  seen  on  brief  occasions  persuading  him- 
self that  he  was  furiously  reading  and  getting  up  his 
subjects  by  the  aid  of  those  royal  roads  to  knowledge, 
variously  known  as  cribs,  crams,  plugs,  abstracts,  anal- 
yses, or  epitomes. 


AN   OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE. 


327 


But,  besides  the  assistance  thus  afforded  to  him  out 
of  the  schools,  Mr.  Bouncer,  like  many  others,  idle  as 
well  as  ignorant,  intended  to  assist  himself  when  in 
the  schools  by  any  contrivance  that  his  ingenuity  could 
suggest,  or  his  audacity  carry  out. 

"It's  quite  fair,"  was  the  little  gentleman's  argu- 
ment, "to  do  the  examiners  in  any  way  that  you  can, 
as  long  as  you  only  go  in  for  a  pass.  Of  course,  if 
you  were  going  in  for  a  class,  or  a  scholarship,  or 
any  thing  of  that  sort,  it  would  be  no  end  mean  and 
dirty  to  crib;  and  the  gent  that  did  it  ought  to  be 
kicked  out  of  the  society  of  gentlemen.  But  when 
you  only  go  in  for  a  pass,  and  ain't  doing  any  one  any 
harm  by  a  little  bit  of  cribbing,  but  choose  to  run  the 
risk  to  save  yourself  the  bother  of  being  ploughed, 
why  then,  I  think,  a  feller  's  bound  to  do  what  he  can 
for  himself.  And,  you  see,  in  my  case,  Gig-lamps, 
there's  the  Mum  to  be  considered;  she'd  cut  up 
doosid,  if  I  didn't  get  through;  so  I  must  crib  a  bit, 
if  it's  only  for  her  sake." 

But  although  the  little  gentleman  thus  made  filial 
tenderness  the  excuse  for  his  deceit,  and  the  salve  for 
his  conscience,  yet  he  could  neither  persuade  Mr. 
Verdant  Green  to  follow  his  example,  nor  to  be  a  con- 
vert to  his  opinions;  nor  would  he  be  persuaded  by 
our  hero  to  relinquish  his  designs. 

"Why,  look  here,  Gig-lamps!"  Mr.  Bouncer  would 
say;  "how  can  I  relinquish  them,  after  having  had  all 
this  trouble?  I  '11  put  you  up  to  a  few  of  my  dodges 
—  free,  gratis,  for  nothing.  In  the  first  place,  Gig- 
lamps,  you  see  here  's  a  small  circular  bit  of  paper, 
covered  with  Peloponnesian  and  Punic  wars,  and  no 
end  of  dates,  —  written  small  and  short,  you  see,  but 


328  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

quite  legible,  — with  the  chief  things  done  in  red  ink. 
Well,  this  gentleman  goes  in  the  front  of  my  watch, 
under  the  glass;  and  when  I  get  stumped  for  a  date, 
out  comes  the  watch ;  —  I  look  at  the  time  of  day  — 
you  understand,  and  down  goes  the  date.  Here  's 
another  dodge!"  added  the  little  gentleman — who 
might  well  have  been  called  "the  Artful  Dodger"  — 


as  he  produced  a  shirt  from  a  drawer.  "  Look  here, 
at  the  wristbands !  Here  are  all  the  Kings  of  Israel 
and  Judah,  with  their  dates  and  prophets,  written 
down  in  India-ink,  so  as  to  wash  out  again.  You 
twitch  up  the  cuff  of  your  coat,  quite  accidentally,  and 
then  you  book  your  king.  You  see,  Gig-lamps,  I  don't 
like  to  trust,  as  some  fellows  do,  to  having  what  you 
want,  written  down  small  and  shoved  into  a  quill,  and 
passed  to  you  by  some  man  sitting  in  the  schools; 
that's  dangerous,  don't  you  see.  And  I  don't  like  to 
hold  cards  in  my  hand ;  I  've  improved  on  that,  and 
invented  a  first-rate  dodge  of  my  own,  that  I  intend  to 


AN   OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE.  329 

take  out  a  patent  for.  Like  all  truly  great  inventions, 
it 's  no  end  simple.  In  the  first  place,  look  straight 
afore  you,  my  little  dear,  and  you  will  see  this  pack  of 
cards,  — all  made  of  a  size,  nice  to  hold  in  the  palm 
of  your  hand;  they  're  about  all  sorts  of  rum  things, 
—  every  thing  that  I  want.  And  you  see  that  each 
beggar's  got  a  hole  drilled  in  him.  And  you  see, 
here  's  a  longish  string  with  a  little  bit  of  hooked 
wire  at  the  end,  made  so  that  I  can  easily  hang  the 
card  on  it.  Well,  I  pass  the  string  up  my  coat  sleeve, 
and  down  under  my  waistcoat ;  and  here,  you  see,  I  've 
got  the  wire  end  in  the  palm  of  my  hand.  Then  I 
slip  out  the  card  I  want,  and  hook  it  on  to  the  wire, 
so  that  I  can  have  it  just  before  me  as  I  write.  Then, 
if  any  of  the  examiners  look  suspicious,  or  if  one  of 
them  comes  round  to  spy,  I  just  pull  the  bit  of  string 
that  hangs  under  the  bottom  of  my  waistcoat,  and 
away  flies  the  card  up  my  coat  sleeve;  and  when  the 
examiner  comes  round,  he  sees  that  my  hand  's  never 
moved,  and  that  there  's  nothing  in  it !  So  he  walks 
off  satisfied;  and  then  I  shake  the  little  beggar  out  of 
my  sleeve  again,  and  the  same  game  goes  on  as  before. 
And  when  the  string's  tight,  even  straightening  your 
body  is  quite  sufficient  to  hoist  the  card  into  your 
sleeve,  without  moving  either  of  your  hands.  I  've 
got  an  Examination-coat  made  on  purpose,  with  a 
heap  of  pockets,  in  which  I  can  stow  my  cards  in 
regular  order.  These  three  pockets,"  said  Mr.  Boun- 
cer, as  he  produced  the  coat,  "are  entirely  for  Euclid. 
Here's  each  problem  written  right  out  on  a  card; 
they're  laid  regularly  in  order,  and  I  turn  them  over 
in  my  pocket,  till  I  get  hold  of  the  one  I  want,  and 
then  I  take  it  out,  and  work  it.  So  you  see,  Gig- 


330   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

lamps,  I  'm  safe  to  get  through!  —  it 's  impossible  for 
them  to  plough  me,  with  all  these  contrivances. 
That 's  a  consolation  for  a  cove  in  distress,  ain't  it, 
old  feller?" 

Both  our  hero  and  Charles  Larkyns  endeavoured  to 
persuade  Mr.  Bouncer  that  his  conduct  would,  at  the 
very  least,  be  foolhardy,  and  that  he  had  much  better 
throw  his  pack  of  cards  into  the  fire,  wash  the  Kings 
of  Israel  and  Judah  off  his  shirt,  destroy  his  strings 
and  hooked  wires,  and  keep  his  Examination-coat  for  a 
shooting  one.  But  all  their  arguments  were  in  vain; 
and  the  infatuated  little  gentleman,  like  a  deaf  adder, 
shut  his  ears  at  the  voice  of  the  charmer. 

What  between  the  Cowley  cricketings,  and  the  Isis 
boatings,  Mr.  Verdant  Green  only  read  by  spasmodic 
fits;  but,  as  he  was  very  fairly  up  in  his  subjects  — 
thanks  to  Charles  Larkyns  and  the  Rector  —  and  as 
the  Little-go  was  not  such  a  very  formidable  affair, 
or  demanded  a  scholar  of  first-rate  calibre,  the  only 
terrors  that  the  examination  could  bring  him  were 
those  which  were  begotten  of  nervousness.  At  length 
the  lists  were  out;  and  our  hero  read  among  the  names 
of  candidates,  that  of 

"  GREEN,  Verdant,  }  Coll.  ^En.  Fac." 

There  is  a  peculiar  sensation  on  first  seeing  your 
name  in  print.  Instances  are  on  record  where  people 
have  taken  a  world  of  trouble  merely  that  they  may 
have  the  pleasure  of  perusing  their  names  "among 
the  fashionables  present "  at  the  Countess  of  So-and- 
so's  evening-reception;  and  cases  are  not  wanting 
where  young  ladies  and  gentlemen  have  expended  no 
small  amount  of  pocket-money  in  purchasing  copies  of 


AN   OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE.  33! 

"The  Times"  (no  reduction,  too,  being  made  on  tak- 
ing a  quantity!)  in  order  that  their  sympathising 
friends  might  have  the  pride  of  seeing  their  names  as 
coming  out  at  drawing-rooms  and  levies.  When  a 
young  M.  P.  has  stammered  out  his  coup-cFessai  in  the 
House,  he  views,  with  mingled  emotions,  his  name 
given  to  the  world,  for  the  first  time,  in  capital  letters. 
When  young  authors  and  artists  first  see  their  names 
in  print,  is  it  not  a  pleasure  to  them  ?  When  Ensign 
Dash  sees  himself  gazetted,  does  he  not  look  on  his 
name  with  a  peculiar  sensation,  and  forthwith  send 
an  impression  of  the  paper  to  Master  Jones,  who  was 
flogged  with  him  last  week  for  stealing  apples?  When 
Mr.  Smith  is  called  to  the  Bar,  and  Mr.  Robinson  can 
dub  himself  M.R.  C.  S.,  do  they  not  behold  their 
names  in  print  with  feelings  of  rapture  ?  And  when 
Miss  Brown  has  been  to  her  first  ball,  does  she  not 
anxiously  await  the  coming  of  the  next  county  news- 
paper, in  order  to  have  the  happiness  of  reading  her 
name  there? 

But,  different  to  these  are  the  sensations  that  attend 
the  seeing  your  name  first  in  print  in  a  College  exami- 
nation-list. They  are,  probably,  somewhat  similar  to 
the  sensations  you  would  feel  on  seeing  your  name  in 
a  death-warrant.  Your  blood  runs  hot,  then  cold, 
then  hot  again;  your  pulse  goes  at  fever  pace;  the 
throbbing  arteries  of  your  brow  almost  jerk  your  cap 
off.  You  know  that  the  worst  is  come,  —  that  the  law 
of  the  Dons,  which  altereth  not,  has  fixed  your  name 
there,  and  that  there  is  no  escape.  The  courage  of 
despair  then  takes  possession  of  your  soul,  and  nerves 
you  for  the  worst.  You  join  the  crowd  of  nervous 
fellow-sufferers  who  are  thronging  round  the  buttery- 


332   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 


door  to  examine  the  list,  and  you  begin  with  them 
calmly  to  parcel  out  the  names  by  sixes  and  eights, 
and  then  to  arrive  at  an  opinion  when  your  day  of 
execution  will  be.  If  your  name  comes  at  the  head  of 
the  list,  you  wish  that  you  were  "  YOUNG,  Carolus, 
e  Coll.  Vigorn."  that  you  might  have  a  reprieve  of  your 
sentence.  If  your  name  is  at  the  end  of  the  list,  you 
wish  you  were  "  ADAMS,  Edvardus  Jacobus,  £  Coll. 
Univ."  that  you  might  go  in  at  once,  and  be  put  out 
of  your  misery.  If  your  name  is  in  the  middle  of  the 
list,  you  wish  that  it  were  elsewhere:  and  then  you 
wish  that  it  were  out  of  the  list  altogether. 

Through  these  varying  shades  of  emotion  did  Mr. 

Verdant  Green  pass, 
until  at  length  they 
were  all  lost  in  the 
deeper  gloom  of  ac- 
tual entrance  into 
the  schools.  When 
once  there,  his  fright 
soon  passed  away. 
Reassured  by  the 
kindly  voice  of  the 
examiner,  telling 
him  to  read  over  his 
Greek  before  con- 
struing it,  our  hero 
recovered  his  equa- 
nimity, and  got  through  his  vivd  voce  with  flying 
colours;  and,  on  glancing  over  his  paper-work,  soon 
saw  that  the  questions  were  within  his  scope,  and 
that  he  could  answer  most  of  them.  Without  hazard- 
ing his  success  by  making  "bad  shots,"  he  contented 


AN   OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE.  333 

himself  by  answering  those  questions  only  on  which 
he  felt  sure;  and,  when  his  examination  was  over, 
he  left  the  schools  with  a  pretty  safe  conviction  that 
he  was  safe,  "and  was  well  through  his  smalls." 

He  could  not  but  help,  however,  feeling  some  anx- 
iety on  the  subject,  until  he  was  relieved  from  all 
further  fears,  by  the  arrival  of  Messrs.  Fosbrooke, 
Smalls,  and  Blades,  with  a  slip  of  paper  (not  unlike 
those  which  Mr.  Levi,  the  sheriff's  officer,  makes  use 
of),  on  which  was  written  and  printed  as  follows :  — 

"  GREEN,  VERDANT,  E  COLL.  ^N.  FAC. 

Quaestionibus  Magistrorum  Scholarum  in  Parviso  pro  forma 

respondit. 

Ita  testamur,   J  GULIELMUS  SMITH, 
7«««7,  18— ."  < ROBERTUS  JONES. 

Alas  for  Mr.  Bouncer !  Though  he  had  put  in  prac- 
tice all  the  ingenious  plans  which  were  without  a 
doubt  to  ensure  his  success;  and  though  he  had  worked 
his  cribs  with  consummate  coolness,  and  had  not  been 
discovered ;  yet,  nevertheless,  his  friends  came  to  him 
empty-handed.  The  infatuated  little  gentleman  had 
either  trusted  too  much  to  his  own  astuteness,  or  else 
he  had  over-reached  himself,  and  had  used  his  card- 
knowledge  in  wrong  places;  or,  perhaps,  the  examiners 
may  have  suspected  his  deeds  from  the  nature  of  his 
papers,  and  may  have  refused  to  pass  him.  But  what- 
ever might  be  the  cause,  the  little  gentleman  had  to 
defer  taking  his  degree  for  some  months  at  least.  In  a 
word  —  and  a  dreadful  word  it  is  to  all  undergraduates 
—  Mr.  Bouncer  was  PLUCKED  !  He  bore  his  unexpected 
reverse  of  fortune  very  philosophically,  and  professed 
to  regret  it  only  for  "the  Mum's"  sake;  but  he  seemed 
to  feel  that  the  Dons  of  his  college  would  look  shy 


334     THE   ADVENTURES   OF   MR.   VERDANT  GREEN, 

upon  him,  and  he  expressed  his  opinion  that  it  would 
be  better  for  him  to  migrate  to  the  Tavern.1 

But,  while  Mr.  Bouncer  was  thus  deservedly  pun- 
ished for  his  idleness  and  duplicity,  Charles  Larkyns 
was  rewarded  for  all  his  toil.  He  did  even  better 
than  he  had  expected  :  for,  not  only  did  his  name  appear 
in  the  second  class,  but  the  following  extra  news 
concerning  him  was  published  in  the  daily  papers, 
under  the  very  appropriate  heading  of  "  University 
Intelligence." 

"  OXFORD,  June  9.  —  The  Chancellor's  prizes  have  been  awarded 
as  follows :  — 

"  Latin  Essay,  Charles  Larkyns,  Commoner  of  Brazenface.  The 
New  digate  Prize  for  English  Verse  was  also  awarded  to  the  same 
gentleman." 

His  writing  for  the  prize  poem  had  been  a  secret. 
He  had  conceived  the  idea  of  doing  so  when  the  sub- 
ject had  been  given  out  in  the  previous  "long:"  he 
had  worked  at  the  subject  privately,  and,  when  the 
day  (April  i)  on  which  the  poems  had  to  be  sent  in, 
had  come,  he  had  watched  his  opportunity,  and  secretly 
dropped  through  the  wired  slit  in  the  door  of  the 
registrar's  office  at  the  Clarendon,  a  manuscript  poem, 
distinguished  by  the  motto:  — 

"  Oh  for  the  touch  of  a  vanish'd  hand 
And  the  sound  of  a  voice  that  is  still." 

We  may  be  quite  sure  that  there  was  great  rejoicing 
at  the  Manor  Green  and  the  Rectory,  when  the  news 
arrived  of  the  success  of  Charles  Larkyns  and  Mr. 
Verdant  Green. 

1  A  name  given  to  New  Inn  Hall,  not  only  from  its  title,  "  New 
Inn,"  but  also  because  the  buttery  is  open  all  day,  and  the  mem- 
bers of  the  Hall  can  call  for  what  they  please  at  any  hour,  the 
same  as  in  a  tavern. 


AN   OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE. 


335 


CHAPTER   XII. 


MR.     VERDANT    GREEN     AND     HIS     FRIENDS     ENJOY    THE 
COMMEMORATION. 

THE  Commemoration  had 
come;  and,  among  the 
people  who  were  drawn 
to  the  sight  from  all 
parts  of  the  country, 
the  Warwickshire  coach 
landed  in  Oxford  our 
friends  Mr.  Green,  his 
two  eldest  daughters, 
and  the  Rector  —  for 
all  of  whom  Charles 
Larkyns  had  secured 
very  comfortable  lodg- 
ings in  Oriel  Street. 

The  weather  was  of 
the  finest ;  and  the  beau- 
tiful city  of  colleges  looked  at  its  best.  While  the 
Rector  met  with  old  friends,  and  heard  his  son's  praises, 
and  renewed  his  acquaintance  with  his  old  haunts  of 
study,  Mr.  Green  again  lionised  Oxford  in  a  much  more 
comfortable  and  satisfactory  manner  than  he  had  pre- 
viously done  at  the  heels  of  a  professional  guide.  As 


336  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

for  the  young  ladies,  they  were  charmed  with  every- 
thing; for  they  had  never  before  been  in  an  University 
town,  and  all  things  had  the  fascination  of  novelty. 
Great  were  the  luncheons  held  in  Mr.  Verdant  Green's 
and  Charles  Larkyns'  rooms;  musical  was  the  laughter 
that  floated  merrily  through  the  grave  old  quads  of 
Brazenface;  happy  were  the  two  hearts  that  held  con- 
verse with  each  other  in  those  cool  cloisters  and  shady 
gardens.  How  a  few  flounces  and  bright  girlish  smiles 
can  change  the  aspect  of  the  sternest  homes  of  knowl- 
edge !  How  sunlight  can  be  brought  into  the  gloom- 
iest nooks  of  learning  by  the  beams  that  irradiate 
happy  girlish  faces,  where  the  light  of  love  and  truth 
shines  out  clear  and  joyous !  How  the  appearance  of 
the  Commemoration  week  is  influenced  in  a  way  thus 
described  by  one  of  Oxonia's  poets:  — 

"  Peace  !  for  in  the  gay  procession  brighter  forms  are  borne  along  — 
Fairer  scholars,  pleasure-beaming,  float  amid  the  classic  throng. 
Blither  laughter's  ringing  music  fills  the  haunts  of  men  awhile, 
And  the  sternest  priests  of  knowledge  blush  beneath  a  maiden's 

smile. 

Maidens  teach  a  softer  science  —  laughing  Love  his  pinions  dips, 
Hush'd  to  hear  fantastic  whispers  murmur'd  from  a  pedant's  lips. 
Oh,  believe  it,  throbbing  pulses  flutter  under  folds  of  starch, 
And  the  Dons  are  human-hearted  if  the  ladies'  smiles  be  arch." 

Thanks  to  the  influence  of  Charles  Larkyns  and  his 
father,  the  party  were  enabled  to  see  all  that  was  to 
be  seen  during  the  Commemoration  week.  On  the 
Saturday  night  they  went  to  the  amateur  concert  at 
the  Town  Hall,  in  aid  of  which,  strange  to  say,  Mr. 
Bouncer's  proffer  of  his  big  drum  had  been  declined. 
On  the  Sunday  they  went,  in  the  morning,  to  St. 
Mary's  to  hear  the  Bampton  lecture;  and,  in  the  after- 


AN   OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE.  337 

noon,  to  the  magnificent  choral  service  at  New  College. 
In  the  evening  they  attended  the  customary  "Show 
Sunday"  promenade  in  Christ  Church  Broad  Walk, 
where,  under  the  delicious  cool  of  the  luxuriant  foli- 
age, they  met  all  the  rank,  beauty,  and  fashion  that 
were  assembled  in  Oxford;  and  where,  until  Tom 
"tolled  the  hour  for  retiring,"  they  threaded  their  way 
amid  a  miscellaneous  crowd  of  Dons  and  Doctors,  and 
Tufts  and  Heads  of  Houses, — 

With  prudes  for  Proctors,  dowagers  for  Deans, 
And  bright  girl-graduates  with  their  golden  hair. 

On  the  Monday  they  had  a  party  to  Woodstock  and 
Blenheim ;  and  in  the  evening  went,  on  the  Brazenface 
barge,  to  see  the  procession  of  boats,  where  the  Misses 
Green  had  the  satisfaction  to  see  their  brother  pulling 
in  one  of  the  fifteen  torpids  that  followed  immediately 
in  the  wake  of  the  other  boats.  They  concluded  the 
evening's  entertainments  in  a  most  satisfactory  man- 
ner, by  going  to  the  ball  at  the  Town  Hall. 

Indeed,  the  way  the  two  young  ladies  worked  was 
worthy  of  all  credit,  and  proved  them  to  be  possessed 
of  the  most  vigorous  constitutions;  for,  although  they 
danced  till  an  early  hour  in  the  morning,  they  not 
only,  on  the  next  day,  went  to  the  anniversary  sermon 
for  the  Radcliffe,  and  after  that  to  the  horticultural 
show  in  the  Botanical  Gardens,  and  after  that  to  the 
concert  in  the  Sheldonian  Theatre,  but  —  as  though 
they  had  not  had  enough  to  fatigue  them  already  - 
they  must,  forsooth  —  Brazenface  being  one  of  the 
ball-giving  colleges  —  wind  up  the  night  by  accepting 
the  polite  invitation  of  Mr.  Verdant  Green  and  Mr. 
Charles  Larkyns  to  a  ball  given  in  their  college  hall. 


338  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

And  how  many  polkas  these  young  ladies  danced,  and 
how  many  waltzes  they  waltzed,  and  how  many  ices 
they  consumed,  and  how  many  too  susceptible  partners 
they  drove  to  the  verge  of  desperation,  it  would  be 
improper,  if  not  impossible,  to  say. 

But,  however  much  they  might  have  been  fagged  by 
their  exertions  of  feet  and  features,  it  is  certain  that, 


by  ten  of  the  clock  the  next  morning,  they  appeared, 
quite  fresh  and  charming  to  the  view,  in  the  ladies' 
gallery  in  the  theatre.  There  —  after  the  proceedings 
had  been  opened  by  the  undergraduates  in  tJieir  pecu- 
liar way,  and  by  the  Vice-Chancellor  in  Ids  peculiar 
way  —  and,  after  the  degrees  had  been  conferred,  and 
the  public  orator  had  delivered  an  oration  in  a  tongue 
not  understanded  of  the  people,  our  friends  from  War- 
wickshire had  the  delight  of  beholding  Mr.  Charles 
Larkyns  ascend  the  rostrums  to  deliver,  in  their  proper 
order,  the  Latin  Essay  and  the  English  Verse.  He 


AN   OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE. 


339 


had  chosen  his  friend  Verdant  to  be  his  prompter;  so 
that  the  well-known  "gig-lamps"  of  our  hero  formed, 
as  it  were,  a  very  focus  of  attraction:  but  it  was  well 
for  Mr.  Charles  Larkyns  that  he  was  possessed  of  self- 
control  and  a  good  memory,  for  Mr.  Verdant  Green 
was  far  too  nervous  to  have  prompted  him  in  any  effi- 


cient manner.  We  may  be  sure,  that  in  all  that  bevy 
of  fair  women,  at  least  one  pair  of  bright  eyes  kindled 
with  rapture,  and  one  heart  beat  with  exulting  joy, 
when  the  deafening  cheers  that  followed  the  poet's 
description  of  the  moon,  the  sea,  and  woman's  love 
(the  three  ingredients  which  are  apparently  necessary 
for  the  sweetening  of  all  prize  poems),  rang  through 


340   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

the  theatre  and  made  its  walls  re-echo  to  the  shouting. 
And  we  may  be  sure  that,  when  it  was  all  over,  and 
when  the  Commemoration  had  come  to  an  end,  Charles 
Larkyns  felt  rewarded  for  all  his  hours  of  labour  by 
the  deep  love  garnered  up  in  his  heart  by  the  trustful 
affection  of  one  who  had  become  as  dear  to  him  as  life 
itself ! 


It  was  one  morning  after  they  had  all  returned  to 
the  Manor  Green  that  our  hero  said  to  his  friend, 
"  How  I  do  wish  that  this  day  week  were  come ! " 

"I  dare  say  you  do,"  replied  the  friend;  "and  I 
dare  say  that  the  pretty  Patty  is  wishing  the  same 
wish."  Upon  which  Mr.  Verdant  Green  not  only 
laughed  but  blushed! 

For  it  seemed  that  he,  together  with  his  sisters,  Mr. 
Charlel  Larkyns,  and  Mr.  Bouncer,  were  about  to  pay 
a  long-vacation  visit  to  Honeywood  Hall,  in  the  county 
of  Northumberland ;  and  the  young  man  was  naturally 
looking  forward  to  it  with  all  the  ardour  of  a  first  and 
consuming  passion. 


PART    III. 


MR.  VERDANT  GREEN  MARRIED  AND  DONE  FOR. 


CHAPTER    I. 

MR.  VERDANT  GREEN  TRAVELS  NORTH. 

ULY :  fierce  and  burn- 
ing! 

A  day  to  tinge  the 
green  corn  with  a 
golden  hue.  A  day 
to  scorch  grass  into 
hay  between  sunrise 
and  sunset.  A  day 
in  which  to  rejoice  in 
the  cool  thick  masses 

of  trees,  and  to  lie  on  one's  back  under  their  canopy, 
and  look  dreamily  up,  through  its  rents,  at  the  peep  of 
hot,  cloudless,  blue  sky.  A  day  to  sit  on  shady  banks 
upon  yielding  cushions  of  moss  and  heather,  from 
whence  you  gaze  on  bright  flowers  blazing  in  the  blaz- 
ing sun,  and  rest  your  eyes  again  upon  your  book  to  find 
the  lines  swimming  in  a  radiance  of  mingled  green  and 
red.  A  day  that  fills  you  with  amphibious  feelings, 
and  makes  you  desire  to  be  even  a  dog,  that  you  might 
bathe  and  paddle  and  swim  in  every  roadside  brook 


342  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN 

and  pond,  without  the  exertion  of  dressing  and  un- 
dressing, and  yet  with  propriety.  A  day  that  sends  you 
out  by  willow-hung  streams,  to  fish,  as  an  excuse  for 
idleness.  A  day  that  drives  you  dinnerless  from  smok- 
ing joints,  and  plunges  you  thirstfully  into  barrels  of 
beer.  A  day  that  induces  apathetic  listlessness  and 
total  prostration  of  energy,  even  under  the  aggravating 
warfare  of  gnats  and  wasps.  A  day  that  engenders 
pity  for  the  ranks  of  ruddy  haymakers,  hotly  marching 
on  under  the  merciless  glare  of  the  noonday  sun.  A  day 
when  the  very  air,  steaming  up  from  the  earth,  seems 
to  palpitate  with  the  heat.  A  day  when  Society  has 
left  its  cool  and  pleasant  country-house,  and  finds 
itself  baked  and  burnt  up  in  town,  condemned  to 
ovens  of  operas,  and  fiery  furnaces  of  levees  and  draw- 
ing-rooms. A  day  when  even  ice  is  warm,  and  per- 
spiring visitors  to  the  Zoological  Gardens  envy  the 
hippopotamus  living  in  his  bath.  A  day  when  a  hot, 
frizzling,  sweltering  smell  ascends  from  the  ground,  as 
though  it  was  the  earth's  great  ironing  day.  And  — 
above  all  —  a  day  that  converts  a  railway  traveller  into 
a  martyr,  and  a  first-class  carriage  into  a  moving  repre- 
sentation of  the  Black  Hole  of  Calcutta. 

So  thought  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  as  he  whirled  onward 
to  the  far  north,  in  company  with  his  three  sisters, 
Miss  Bouncer,  and  Mr.  Charles  Larkyns.  Being  six 
in  number,  they  formed  a  snug  (and  hot)  family  party, 
and  filled  the  carriage,  to  the  exclusion  of  little  Mr. 
Bouncer,  who,  nevertheless,  bore  this  temporary  and 
unavoidable  separation  with  a  tranquil  mind,  inasmuch 
as  it  enabled  him  to  ride  in  a  second-class  carriage, 
where  he  could  the  more  conveniently  indulge  in  the 
furtive  pleasures  of  the  Virginian  weed.  But,  to  keep 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   343 

up  his  connection  with  the  party,  and  to  prove  that 
his  interest  in  them  could  not  be  diminished  by  a 
brief  and  enforced  absence,  Mr.  Bouncer  paid  them 
flying  visits  at  every  station,  keeping  his  pipe  alight 
by  a  puff  into  the  carriage,  accompanied  with  an 
expression  of  his  full  conviction  that  Miss  Fanny 
Green  had  been  smoking,  in  defiance  of  the  company's 
by-laws.  These  rapid  interviews  were  enlivened  by 
Mr.  Bouncer  informing  his  friends  that  Huz  and  Buz 
(who  were  panting  in  a  locker)  were  as  well  as  could 
be  expected,  and  giving  any  other  interesting  particu- 
lars regarding  himself,  his  fellow-travellers,  or  the 
country  in  general,  that  could  be  compressed  into  the 
space  of  sixty  seconds  or  thereabouts;  and  the  visits 
were  regularly  and  ruthlessly  brought  to  an  abrupt 
termination  by  the  angry  "Now,  then,  sir!"  of  the 
guard,  and  the  reckless  thrusting  of  the  little  gentle- 
man into  his  second-class  carriage,  to  the  endanger- 
ment  of  his  life  and  limbs,  and  the  exaggerated  display 
of  authority  on  the  part  of  the  railway  official. 

Mr.  Bouncer's  mercurial  temperament  had  enabled 
him  to  get  over  the  little  misfortune  that  had  followed 
upon  his  examination  for  his  degree;  but  he  still  pre- 
served a  memento  of  that  hapless  period  in  the  shape 
of  a  wig  of  curly  black  hair.  For  he  found,  during 
the  summer  months,  such  coolness  from  his  shaven 
poll,  that,  in  spite  of  "the  mum's"  entreaties,  he 
would  not  suffer  his  own  luxuriant  locks  to  grow,  but 
declared  that,  till  the  winter  at  any  rate,  he  would 
wear  his  gent's  real  head  of  hair;  and  in  order  that 
our  railway  party  should  not  forget  the  reason  for  its 
existence,  Mr.  Bouncer  occasionally  favoured  them 
with  a  sight  of  his  bald  head,  and  also  narrated  to 


344  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

them,  with  great  glee,  how,  when  a  very  starchy  lady 
of  a  certain  age  had  left  their  carriage,  he  had  called 
after  her  upon  the  platform  —  holding  out  his  wig  as 
he  did  so  —  that  she  had  left  some  of  her  property 
behind  her;  and  how  the  passengers  and  porters  had 
grinned,  and  the  starchy  lady  had  lost  all  her  stiffen- 
ing through  the  hotness  of  her  wrath. 

York  at  last!  A  half-hour's  escape  from  the  hot 
carriage,  and  a  hasty  dinner  on  cold  lamb  and  cool 
salad  in  the  pleasant  refreshment -room  hung  round 
with  engravings.  Mr.  Bouncer's  dinner  is  got  over 
with  incredible  rapidity,  in  order  that  the  little  gentle- 
man may  carry  out  his  humane  intention  of  releasing 
Huz  and  Buz  from  their  locker,  and  giving  them  their 
dinner  and  a  run  on  the  remote  end  of  the  platform,  at 
a  distance  from  timid  spectators;  which  design  is 
satisfactorily  performed,  and  crowned  with  a  douche 
bath  from  the  engine-pump.  Then,  away  again  to  the 
rabbit-hole  of  a  locker,  the  smoky  second-class  car- 
riage and  the  stuffy  first-class;  incarcerated  in  which 
black-hole,  the  plump  Miss  Bouncer,  notwithstanding 
that  she  has  removed  her  bonnet  and  all  superfluous 
coverings,  gets  hotter  than  ever  in  the  afternoon  sun, 
and  is  seen,  ever  and  anon,  to  pass  over  her  glowing 
face  a  handkerchief  cooled  with  the  waters  of  Cologne. 
And,  when  the  man  with  the  grease-pot  comes  round 
to  look  at  the  tires  of  the  wheels,  the  sight  of  it 
increases  her  warmth  by  suggesting  a  desire  (which 
cannot  be  gratified)  for  lemon  ice.  Nevertheless,  they 
have  with  them  a  variety  of  cooling  refreshments,  and 
their  hot-house  fruit  and  strawberries  are  most  accept- 
able. The  Misses  Green  have  wisely  followed  their 
friend's  example,  in  the  removal  of  bonnets  and  man- 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.  345 

ties;  and,  as  they  amuse  themselves*  with  books  and 
embroidery,  the  black-hole  bears,  as  far  as  possible,  a 
resemblance  to  a  boudoir.  Charles  Larkyns  favours 
the  company  with  extracts  from  "  The  Times ;  "  reads 
to  them  the  last  number  of  Dickens'  new  tale,  or 
directs  their  attention  to  the  most  note-worthy  points 
on  their  route.  Mr.  Verdant  Green  is  seated  vis-&-vis 
to  the  plump  Miss  Bouncer,  and  benignantly  beams 


upon  her  through  his  glasses,  or  musingly  consults 
his  "  Bradshaw  "  to  count  how  much  nearer  they  have 
crept  to  their  destination,  the  while  his  thoughts  have 
travelled  on  in  the  very  quickest  of  express  trains,  and 
have  already  reached  the  far  north. 

Thus  they  journey :  crawling  under  the  stately  old 
walls  of  York ;  then,  with  a  rush  and  a  roar,  sliding 
rapidly  over  the  level  landscape,  from  whence  they  can 
look  back  upon  the  glorious  Minster  towers  standing 
out  grey  and  cold  from  the  sunlit  plain.  Then,  to 
Darlington;  and  on  by- porters  proclaiming  the  names 


346  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

of  stations  in  uncouth  Dunelmian  tongue,  informing 
passengers  that  they  have  reached  "  Faweyill "  and 
"Fensoosen,"  instead  of  "Ferry  Hill"  and  "Fence 
Houses,"  and  terrifying  nervous  people  by  the  com- 
mand to  "  Change  here  for  Doom !  "  when  only  the 
propinquity  of  the  palatinate  city  is  signified.  And 
so,  on  by  the  triple  towers  of  Durham  that  gleam  in 
the  sun  with  a  ruddy  orange  hue ;  on,  leaving  to  the 
left  that  last  resting-place  of  Bede  and  St.  Cuthbert, 
on  the  rock 

"  Where  his  cathedral,  huge  and  vast, 
Looks  down  upon  the  Wear." 

On,  past  the  wonderfully  out-of-place  "  Durham  monu- 
ment," a  Grecian  temple  on  a  naked  hill  among  the 
coal-pits;  on,  with  a  double  curve,  over  the  Wear, 
laden  with  its  Rhine-like  rafts;  on,  to  grimy  Gates- 
head  and  smoky  Newcastle,  and,  with  a  scream  and  a 
rattle,  over  the  wonderful  High  Level  (then  barely 
completed),  looking  down  with  a  sort  of  self-satisfied 
shudder  upon  the  bridge,  and  the  Tyne,  and  the  fleet 
of  colliers,  and  the  busy  quays,  and  the  quaint  timber- 
built  houses  with  their  overlapping  storys,  and  pic- 
turesque black  and  white  gables.  Then,  on  again, 
after  a  cool  delay  and  brief  release  from  the  black- 
hole;  on,  into  Northumbrian  ground,  over  the  Wans- 
beck;  past  Morpeth;  by  Warkworth,  and  its  castle, 
and  hermitage;  over  the  Coquet  stream,  beloved  by 
the  friends  of  gentle  Izaak  Walton ;  on,  by  the  sea-side 
—  almost  along  the  very  sands  —  with  the  refreshing 
sea-breeze,  and  the  murmuring  plash  of  the  breakers  — 
the  Misses  Green  giving  way  to  childish  delight  at  this 
their  first  glimpse  of  the  sea;  on,  over  the  Aln,  and 
past  Alnwick;  and  so  on,  still  further  north,  to  a 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   347 

certain  little  station,  which  is  the  terminus  of  their 
railway  journey,  and  the  signal  of  their  deliverance 
from  the  black-hole. 

There,  on  the  platform  is  Mr.  Honeywood,  looking 
hale  and  happy,  and  delighted  to  receive  his  posse  of 
visitors;  and  there,  outside  the  little  station,  is  the 
carriage  and  dog-cart,  and  a  spring-cart  for  the  lug- 
gage. Charles  Larkyns  takes  possession  of  the  dog- 
cart, in  company  with  Mary  and  Fanny  Green,  and 
little  Mr.  Bouncer;  while  Huz  and  Buz,  released  from 
their  weary  imprisonment,  caracole  gracefully  around 
the  vehicle.  Mr.  Honeywood  takes  the  reins  of  his 
own  carriage;  Mr.  Verdant  Green  mounts  the  box 
beside  him;  Miss  Bouncer  and  Miss  Helen  Green  take 
possession  of  the  open  interior  of  the  carriage;  the 
spring-cart,  with  the  servants  and  luggage,  follows  in 
the  rear;  and  off  they  go. 

But,  though  the  two  blood-horses  are  by  no  means 
slow  of  action,  and  do,  in  truth,  gallop  apace  like 
fiery-footed  steeds,  yet  to  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  anx- 
ious mind  they  seem  to  make  but  slow  progress;-  and 
the  magnificent  country  through  which  they  pass  offers 
but  slight  charms  for  his  abstracted  thoughts;  until 
(at  last)  they  come  in  sight  of  a  broken  mountain- 
range,  and  Mr.  Honeywood,  pointing  with  his  whip, 
exclaims,  "Yon  's  the  Cheevyuts,  as  they  say  in  these 
parts;  there  are  the  Cheviot  Hills;  and  there,  just 
where  you  see  that  gleam  of  light  on  a  white  house 
among  some  trees  —  there  is  Honeywood  Hall." 

Did  Mr.  Verdant  Green  remove  his  eyes  from  that 
object  of  attraction,  save  when  intervening  hills,  for  a 
time,  hid  it  from  his  view?  did  he,  when  they  neared 
it,  and  he  saw  its  landscape  beauties  bathed  in  the 


348   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

golden  splendours  of  a  July  sunset,  did  he  think  it  a 
very  paradise  that  held  within  its  bowers  the  Peri  of 
his  heart's  worship  ?  did  he  —  as  they  passed  the  lodge, 
and  drove  up  an  avenue  of  firs  —  did  he  scan  the  win- 
dows of  the  house,  and  immediately  determine  in  his 
own  mind  which  was  HER  window,  oblivious  to  the 
fact  that  SHE  might  sleep  on  the  other  side  of  the 
building?  did  he,  as  they  pulled  up  at  the  door,  scru- 
tinise the  female  figures  who  were  there  to  receive 
them,  and  experience  a  feeling  made  up  of  doubt  and 
certainty,  that  there  was  one  who,  though  not  present, 
was  waiting  near  with  a  heart  beating  as  anxiously  as 
his  own  ?  did  he  make  wild  remarks,  and  return  inco- 
herent answers,  until  the  long-expected  moment  had 
come  that  brought  him  face  to  face  with  the  adorable 
Patty?  did  he  envy  Charles  Larkyns  for  possessing  and 
practising  the  cousinly  privilege  of  bestowing  a  kiss 
upon  her  rosy  cheeks  ?  and  did  he,  as  he  pressed  her 
hand,  and  marked  the  heightened  glow  of  her  happy 
face,  did  he  feel  within  his  heart  an  exultant  thrill 
of  joy  as  the  fervid  thought  fired  his  brain  —  one  day 
she  may  be  mine? 
Perhaps ! 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.  349 


CHAPTER   II. 


MR.      VERDANT    GREEN     DELIVERS     MISS     PATTY    HONEY- 
WOOD    FROM    THE    HORNS    OF    A    DILEMMA. 

YEN  if  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  had  not  been 
filled  with  the  pecu- 
1  i  a  r  1  y  pleasurable 
sensations  to  which 
allusion  has  just  been 
made,  it  is  yet  ex- 
ceedingly probable 
that  he  would  have 
found  his  visit  to 
Honeywood  Hall  one  of  those  agreeable  and  notable 
events  which  the  memory  of  after-years  invests  with 
the  couleur  du  rose. 

In  the  first  place  —  even  if  Miss  Patty  was  left  out 
of  the  question  —  every  one  was  so  particularly  atten- 
tive to  him,  that  all  his  wants,  as  regarded  amusement 
and  occupation,  were  promptly  supplied,  and  not  a 
minute  was  allowed  to  hang  heavily  upon  his  hands. 
And,  in  the  second  place,  the  country,  and  its  people 
and  customs,  had  so  much  freshness  and  peculiarity, 
that  he  could  not  stir  abroad  without  meeting  with 
novelty.  New  ideas  were  constantly  received;  and 


35O  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

other  sensations  of  a  still  more  delightful  nature  were 
daily  deepened.  Thus  the  time  passed  pleasantly 
away  at  Honeywood  Hall,  and  the  hours  chased  each 
other  with  flying  feet. 

Mr.  Honeywood  was  a  squire,  or  laird;  and  though 
the  prospect  from  the  hall  was  far  too  extensive  to 
allow  of  his  being  monarch  of  all  that  he  surveyed,  yet 
he  was  the  proprietor  of  no  inconsiderable  portion. 
The  small  village  of  Honeybourn,  — which  brought  its 
one  wide  street  of  long,  low,  lime-washed  houses  hard 
by  the  hall,  —  owned  no  other  master  than  Mr.  Honey- 
wood  ;  and  all  its  inhabitants  were,  in  one  way  or  other, 
his  labourers.  They  had  their  own  blacksmith,  shoe- 
maker, tailor,  and  carpenter;  they  maintained  a  general 
shop  of  the  tea-coffee-tobacco-and-snuff  genus;  and  they 
lived  as  one  family,  entirely  independent  of  any  other 
village.  In  fact,  the  villages  in  that  district  were  as 
sparingly  distributed  as  are  "  livings "  among  poor 
curates,  and,  when  met  with,  were  equally  as  small; 
and  so  it  happened,  that  as  the  landowners  usually 
resided,  like  Mr.  Honeywood,  among  their  own  people, 
a  gentleman  would  occasionally  be  as  badly  off  for  a 
neighbour,  as  though  he  had  been  a  resident  in  the 
backwoods  of  Canada.  This  evil,  however,  was  pro- 
ductive of  good,  in  that  it  set  aside  the  possibility  of 
a  deliberate  interchange  of  formal  morning-calls,  and 
obliged  neighbours  to  be  hospitable  to  each  other,  sans 
cMmonie,  and  with  all  good  fellowship.  To  drive 
fifteen,  twenty,  or  even  five-and-twenty  miles,  to  a 
dinner  party  was  so  common  an  occurrence,  that  it 
excited  surprise  only  in  a  stranger,  whose  wonderment 
at  this  voluntary  fatigue  would  be  quickly  dispelled  on 
witnessing  the  hearty  hospitality  and  friendly  freedom 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   351 

that  made  a  north  country  visit  so  enjoyable,  and 
robbed  the  dinner  party  of  its  ordinary  character  of  an 
English  solemnity. 

Close  to  Honeybourn  village  was  the  Squire's  model 
farm,  with  its  wide-spreading  yards  and  buildings,  and 
its  comfortable  bailiff's  house.  In  a  morning  at  sun- 
rise, when  our  Warwickshire  friends  were  yet  in  bed, 
such  of  them  as  were  light  sleepers  would  hear  a  not 
very  melodious  fanfare  from  a  cow's  horn  —  the  signal 
to  the  village  that  the  day's  work  was  begun,  which 
signal  was  repeated  at  sunset.  This  old  custom  pos- 
sessed uncommon  charms  for  Mr.  Bouncer,  whose  only 
regret  was  that  he  had  left  behind  him  his  celebrated 
tin  horn.  But  he  took  to  the  cow-horn  with  the  readi- 
ness of  a  child  to  a  new  plaything;  and,  having  placed 
himself  under  the  instruction  of  the  Northumbrian 
Koenig,  was  speedily  enabled  to  sound  his  octaves  and 
go  the  complete  unicorn  (as  he  was  wont  to  express  it, 
in  his  peculiarly  figurative  eastern  language)  with  a 
still  more  astounding  effect  than  he  had  done  on  his 
former  instrument.  The  little  gentleman  always  made 
a  point  of  thus  signalling  the  times  of  the  arrival  and 
departure  of  the  post,  —  greatly  to  the  delight  of 
small  Jock  Muir,  who,  girded  with  his  letter-bag,  and 
mounted  on  a  highly-trained  donkey,  rode  to  and  fro 
to  the  neighbouring  post-town.  . 

Although  Mr.  Verdant  Green  was  not  (according  to 
Mr.  Bouncer)  "a  bucolical  party,"  and  had  not  any 
very  amazing  taste  for  agriculture,  he  nevertheless 
could  not  but  feel  interested  in  what  he  saw  around 
him.  To  one  who  was  so  accustomed  to  the  small 
enclosures  and  timbered  hedge-rows  of  the  midland 
counties,  the  country  of  the  Cheviots  appeared  in  a 
23 


352  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 


^ 


„•> 


grand,  though  naked  aspect,  like  some  stalwart  gladia- 
tor of  the  stern  old  times.  The  fields  were  of  large 
extent ;  and  it  was  no  uncommon  sight  to  see,  within 
one  boundary  fence,  a  hundred  acres  of  wheat,  rippling 
into  mimic  waves,  like  some  inland  sea.  The  flocks 
and  herds,  too,  were  on  a  grand  scale ;  men  counted 
their  sheep,  not  by  tens,  but  by  hundreds.  Every 
thing  seemed  to  be  influenced,  as  it  were,  by  the  large 
character  of  the  scenery.  The  green  hills,  with  their 
short  sweet  grass,  gave  good  pasture  for  the  fleecy 
tribe,  who  were  dotted  over  the  sward  in  almost  count- 
less numbers;  and  Mr.  Verdant  Green  was  as  much 

gratified  with  "the 
silly  sheep  "  as  with 
any  thing  else  that 
he  witnessed  in  that 
land  of  novelty.  To 
see  the  shepherd, 
with  his  bonnet  and 
grey  plaid,  and  long 
slinging  step,  walk- 
ing first,  and  the  flock 
following  him,  —  to 

hear  him  call  the  sheep  by  name,  and  to  perceive  how 
he  knew  them  individually,  and  how  they  each  and  all 
would  answer  to  his  voice,  was  a  realisation  of  Scrip- 
ture reading,  and  a  northern  picture  of  Eastern  life. 

The  head  shepherd,  old  Andrew  Graham  —  an  active 
youth  whose  long  snowy  locks  had  been  bleached  by 
the  snows  of  eighty  winters  —  was  an  especial  favourite 
of  Mr.  Verdant  Green's,  who  would  never  tire  of  his 
company,  or  of  his  anecdotes  of  his  marvellous  dogs. 
His  cottage  was  at  a  distance  from  the  village,  up  in 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.  353 

a  snug  hollow  of  one  of  the  hills.  There  he  lived,  and 
there  had  been  brought  up  his  six  sons,  and  as  many 
daughters.  Of  the  latter,  two  were  out  at  service  in 
noble  families  of  the  county;  one  was  maid  to  the 
Misses  Honeywood,  and  the  three  others  were  at 
home.  How  they  and  the  other  inmates  of  the  cottage 
were  housed,  was  a  mystery ;  for,  although  old  Andrew 
was  of  a  superior  condition  in  life  to  the  other  cot- 
tagers of  Honeybourn,  yet  his  domicile  was  like  all 
the  rest  in  its  arrangements  and  accommodation.  It 
was  one  moderately  large  room,  fitted  up  with  cup- 
boards, in  which,  one  above  another,  were  berths,  like 
to  those  on  board  a  steamer.  In  what  way  the  morn- 
ing and  evening  toilettes  were  performed  was  a  still 
greater  mystery  to  our  Warwickshire  friends;  never- 
theless, the  good-looking  trio  of  damsels  were  always 
to  be  found  neat,  clean,  and  presentable;  and,  as  their 
mother  one  day  proudly  remarked,  they  were  "  douce, 
sonsy  bairns,  wi'  weel-faur'd  nebs;  and,  for  puir  folks, 
would  be  weel  tochered. "  Upon  which  our  hero  said 
"  Indeed ! "  which,  as  he  had  not  the  slightest  idea 
what  the  good  woman  meant,  was,  perhaps,  the  wisest 
remark  that  he  could  have  made. 

One  of  them  was  generally  to  be  found  spinning  at 
her  muckle  wheel,  retiring  and  advancing  to  the  music 
of  its  cheerful  hum,  the  while  her  spun  thread  was 
rapidly  coiled  up  on  the  spindle.  The  others,  as  they 
busied  themselves  in  their  household  duties,  or  bright- 
ened up  the  delf  and  pewter,  and  set  it  out  on  the 
shelf  to  its  best  advantage,  would  join  in  some  plain- 
tive Scotch  ballad,  with  such  good  taste  and  skill  that 
our  friends  would  frequently  love  to  linger  within 
hearing,  though  out  of  sight.  But  these  artless  ditties 


354   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

were  sometimes  specially  sung  for  them  when  they  paid 
the  cottage-room  a  visit,  and  sat  around  its  canopied, 
projecting  fire-place.  For,  old  Andrew  was  a  great 
smoker;  and  little  Mr.  Bouncer  was  exceedingly  fond 
of  waylaying  him  on  his  return  home,  and  "blowing 
a  cloud  "  with  so  loquacious  and  novel  a  companion. 
And  Mr.  Verdant  Green  sometimes  joined  him  in 
these  visits;  on  which  occasions,  as  harmony  was  the 


order  of  the  day,  he  would  do  his  best  to  further  it  by 
singing  "Marble  Halls,"  or  any  other  song  that  his 
limited  repertoire  could  boast;  while  old  Andrew  would 
burst  into  "Tullochgorum,"  or  do  violence  to  "Get  up 
and  bar  the  door." 

It  must  be  confessed,  that  the  conversation  at  such 
times  was  sustained  not  without  difficulty.  Old 
Andrew,  his  wife,  and  the  major  portion  of  his  family, 
were  barely  able  to  understand  the  language  of  their 
guests,  whom  they  persisted  in  generalising  as  "cannie 
Soothrons ;  "  while  the  guests,  on  their  part,  could  not 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.  355 

V 

altogether  arrive  at  the  meaning  of  observations  that 

were  couched  in  the  most  incomprehensible  patois 
that  was  ever  invented.  It  was  "neither  fish,  flesh, 
nor  good  red  herring,"  although  it  was  flavoured  with 
the  Northumbrian  burr,  and  mixed  with  a  species  of 
Scotch;  and  the  historian  of  these  pages  would  feel 
almost  as  much  difficulty  in  setting  down  this  north- 
Northumbrian  dialect,  as  he  would  do  were  he  to 
attempt  to  reduce  to  words  the  bird-like  chatter  of  the 
Bosjesmen. 

When,  for  example,  the  bewigged  Mr.  Bouncer — 
"the  laddie  wi'  the  black  pow,"  as  they  called  him  — 
was  addressed  as  "Hinny!  jist  come  ben,  and  crook 
yer  hough  on  the  settle,  and  het  yersen  by  the  chim- 
ney-lug," it  was  as  much  by  action  as  by  word  that  he 
understood  an  invitation  to  be  seated;  though  the 
"wet  yer  thrapple  wi'  a  drap  o'  whuskie,  mon!"  was 
easier  of  comprehension  when  accompanied  with  the 
presentation  of  the  whiskey-horn.  In  like  manner, 
when  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  arrival  was  announced  by 
the  furious  barking  of  the  faithful  dogs,  the  apology 
that  "  the  camstary  breutes  of  dougs  would  not  steek 
their  clatterin'  gabs,"  was  accepted  as  an  ample  ex- 
planation, more  from  the  dogs  being  quieted  than  from 
the  lucidity  of  the  remark  that  explained  their  uproar. 

There  was  one  class  of  lady-labourers,  peculiar  to 
that  part  of  the  country,  who  were  called  Bondagers, 
—  great  strapping  damsels  of  three  or  four-woman- 
power,  whose  occupation  it  was  to  draw  water,  and 
perform  some  of  the  rougher  duties  attendant  upon 
agricultural  pursuits.  The  sturdy  legs  of  these  young 
ladies  were  equipped  in  greaves  of  leather,  which  pro- 
tected them  from  the  cutting  attacks  of  stubble, 


356   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 


A 


thistles,  and  all  other  lacerating  specimens  of  botany, 
and  their  exuberant  figures  were  clad  in  buskins,  an,1. 
many-coloured  garments,  that  were  not  long  enough  to 
conceal  their  greaves  and  clod-hopping  boots.  Alto- 
gether, these  young  women,  when  engaged  at  their 
ordinary  avocations  by  the  side  of  a  spring,  formed  no 
unpicturesque  subject  for  the  sketcher's  pencil,  and 

might  have  been  ad- 
vantageously trans- 
ferred to  canvas  by 
many  an  artist  who 
travels  to  greater  dis- 
tances in  search  of 
lesser  novelties.1 

But  many  peculiar 
subjects  for  the  pen- 
cil might  there  have 
been  found.  One  day 
when  they  were  all 
going  to  see  the  ewe- 
milking  (which  of 
itself  would  have  fur- 
nished material  for 
a  host  of  sketches), 

they  suddenly  came  upon  the  following  scene.  Round 
by  the  gable  of  a  cottage  was  seated  a  shock-headed 

1  In  north-Northumberland,  farm-labourers  are  usually  hired 
by  the  year  —  from  Whitsunday  to  Whitsunday  —  and  are  paid 
mostly  in  kind,  —  so  many  bolls  of  oats,  barley,  and  peas  —  so 
much  flax  and  wheat  —  the  keep  of  a  cow,  and  the  addition  of  a 
few  pounds  in  money.  Every  hind  or  labourer  is  bound,  in  return 
for  his  house,  to  provide  a  woman-labourer  to  the  farmer,  for  so 
much  a  day  throughout  the  year  —  which  is  usually  tenpence  a  day 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   357 

rustic  Absalom,    and  standing  over  him  was  another 
rustic,  who,  with  a  large  pair  of  shears,  was  acting  as 
an  amateur  Tonson,  and  was  earnestly  engaged  in  re- 
ducing    the     other's 
profuse  head  of  hair; 
an     occupation    upon 
which  he  busied  him- 
self  with   more    zeal 
than   discretion.      Of 
this  little  scene  Miss 
Patty     Honeywood 
forthwith     made     a 
memorandum. 

For  Miss  Patty 
possessed  the  envi- 
able accomplishment 
of  sketching  from  na- 
ture; and,  leaving  the 

beaten  track  of  young-lady  figure-artists,  who  usually 
limit  their  efforts  to  chalk-heads  and  crayon  smudges, 
she  boldly  launched  into  the  more  difficult,  but  far 
more  pleasing  undertaking  of  delineating  the  human 
form  divine  from  the  very  life.  Mr.  Verdant  Green 
found  this  sketching  from  nature  to  be  so  pretty  a 

in  summer,  and  eightpence  in  winter ;  and  as  it  often  happens  that 
he  has  none  of  his  own  family  fit  for  the  work,  he  has  to  hire  a 
woman,  at  large  wages,  to  do  it.  As  the  demand  is  greater  than 
the  supply  there  is  not  always  a  strict  inquiry  into  the  "  bonda- 
ger's  "  character.  As  with  the  case  of  hop-pickers  —  whom  these 
bondagers  somewhat  resemble  both  socially  and  morally  —  they 
are  oftentimes  the  inhabitants  of  densely-populated  towns,  who  are 
tempted  to  live  a  brief  agricultural  life,  not  so  much  from  the 
temptation  of  the  wages,  as  from  the  desire  to  pass  a  summer-time 
in  the  country. 


358   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

pastime,  that  though  unable  of  himself  to  produce  the 
feeblest  specimen  of  art,  he  yet  took  the  greatest 
delight  in  watching  the  facility  with  which  Miss 
Patty's  taper  fingers  transferred  to  paper  the  vraisem- 
blance  of  a  pair  of  sturdy  Bondagers,  or  the  miniature 
reflection  of  a  grand  landscape.  Happily  for  him, 
also,  by  way  of  an  excuse  for  bestowing  his  company 
upon  Miss  Patty,  he  was  enabled  to  be  of  some  use  to 
her  in  carrying  her  sketching-block  and  box  of  moist 
water-colours,  or  in  bringing  to  her  water  from  a 
neighbouring  spring,  or  in  sharpening  her  pencils. 
On  these  occasions  Verdant  would  have  preferred  their 
being  left  to  the  sole  enjoyment  of  each  other's  com- 
pany; but  this  was  not  so  to  be,  for  they  were  always 
favoured  with  the  attendance  of  at  least  a  third  person. 
But  (at  last!)  on  one  happy  day,  when  the  bright 
sunshine  was  reflected  in  Miss  Patty  Honey  wood's 
bright-beaming  face,  Mr.  Verdant  Green  found  him- 
self wandering  forth, 

"  All  in  the  blue,  unclouded  weather," 

with  his  heart's  idol,  and  no  third  person  to  intrude 
upon  their  duet.  The  alleged  purport  of  the  walk 
was,  that  Miss  Patty  might  sketch  the  ruined  church 
of  Lasthope,  which  was  about  two  miles  distant  from 
the  Hall.  To  reach  it  they  had  to  follow  the  course 
of  the  Swirl,  which  ran  through  the  Squire's  grounds. 

The  Swirl  was  a  brawling,  picturesque  stream ;  at 
one  place  narrowing  into  threads  of  silver  between 
lichen-covered  stones  and  fragments  of  rock;  at  another 
place  flowing  on  in  deep  pools  — 

"  Wimpling,  dimpling,  staying  never  — 
Lisping,  gurgling,  ever  going, 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   359 

Sipping,  slipping,  ever  flowing, 
Toying  round  the  polish'd  stone ;  " l 

fretting  "in  rough,  shingly  shallows  wide,"  and  then 
"bickering  down  the  sunny  day."  On  one  day  it 
might,  in  places,  and  with  the  aid  of  stepping-stones, 
be  crossed  dryshod;  and  within  twenty-four  hours  it 
might  be  swelled  by  mountain  torrents  into  a  river 
wider  than  the  Thames  at  Richmond.  This  sudden 
growth  of  the 

"  Infant  of  the  weeping  hills," 

was  the  reason  why  the  high  road  was  carried  over  the 
Swirl  by  a  bridge  of  ten  arches  —  a  circumstance 
which  had  greatly  excited  little  Mr.  Bouncer's  ideas 
of  the  ridiculous  when  he  perceived  the  narrow  stream 
scarcely  wide  enough  to  wet  the  sides  of  one  of  the 
arches  of  the  great  bridge  that  straggled  over  it,  like 
a  railway  viaduct  over  a  canal.  But,  ere  his  visit  to 
Honeywood  Hall  had  come  to  an  end,  the  little  gentle- 
man had  more  than  once  seen  the  Swirl  swollen  to  its 
fullest  dimensions,  and  been  enabled  to  recognise  the 
use  of  the  bridge,  and  the  full  force  of  the  local 
expression  —  "the  waeter  is  grit." 

As  Verdant  and  Miss  Patty  made  their  way  along 
the  bank  of  this  most  changeable  stream,  they  came 
upon  Mr.  Charles  Larkyns  knee-deep  in  it,  equipped 
in  his  wading-boots  and  fishing  dress,  and  industriously 
whipping  the  water  for  trout.  The  Swirl  was  a  famous 
trout-stream,  and  Mr.  Honeywood's  coachman  was  a 
noted  fisherman,  and  was  accustomed  to  pass  many  of 
his  nights  fishing  the  stream  with  a  white  moth.  It 
appeared  that  the  finny  inhabitants  of  the  Swirl  were 

1  Thomas  Aird. 


360  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 


as  fond  of  whitebait  as  are  Cabinet  Ministers  and 
London  aldermen;  for  the  coachman's  deeds  of  dark- 
ness invariably  resulted  in  the  production  of  a  fine 
dish  of  freshly-caught  trout  for  the  breakfast-table. 

"It  must  be  hard  work,"  said  Verdant  to  his  friend, 
as  they  stopped  awhile  to  watch  him;  "  it  must  be  hard 

work  to  make  your  way 
against  the  stream,  and  to 
clamber  in  and  out  among 
the  rocks  and  stones." 

"Not  at  all  hard  work," 
was  Charles  Larkyns's  re- 
ply, "but  play.  Play,  too, 
in  more  senses  than  one. 
See !  I  have  just  struck  a 
fish.  Watch,  while  I  play 
him.  '  The  play 's  the  thing!' 
Wait  awhile  and  you  '11  see 
me  land  him,  or  I  'm  much 
mistaken." 

So  they  waited  awhile  and  watched  this  fisherman  at 
play,  until  he  had  triumphantly  landed  his  fish,  and 
then  they  pursued  their  way. 

Miss  Patty  had  great  conversational  abilities  and 
immense  power  of  small  talk,  so  that  Verdant  felt 
quite  at  ease  in  her  society,  and  found  his  natural 
timidity  and  quiet  bashfulness  to  be  greatly  dimin- 
ished, even  if  they  were  not  altogether  put  on  one 
side.  They  were  always  such  capital  friends,  and 
Miss  Patty  was  so  kind  and  thoughtful  in  making 
Verdant  appear  to  the  best  advantage,  and  in  looking 
over  any  little  gaucheries  to  which  his  bashfulness 
might  give  birth,  that  it  is  not  to  be  wondered  at  if 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   361 

the  young  gentleman  should  feel  great  delight  in  her 
society,  and  should  seek  for  it  at  every  opportunity. 
In  fact,  Miss  Patty  Honey  wood  was  beginning  to  be 
quite  necessary  to  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  happy  exist- 
ence. It  may  be  that  the  young  lady  was  not  altogether 
ignorant  of  this,  but  was  enabled  to  read  the  young 
man's  state  of  mind,  and  to  judge  pretty  accurately 
of  his  inward  feelings,  from  those  minute  details  of 
outward  evidence  which  womankind  are  so  quick  to 
mark,  and  so  skilful  in  tracing  to  their  true  source. 
It  may  be,  also,  that  the  young  lady  did  not  choose 
either  to  check  these  feelings  or  to  alter  this  state  of 
mind  —  which  she  certainly  ought  to  have  done  if  she 
was  solicitous  for  her  companion's  happiness,  and  was 
unable  to  increase  it  in  the  way  that  he  wished. 

But,  at  any  rate,  with  mutual  satisfaction  for  the 
present,  they  strolled  together  along  the  Swirl's  rocky 
banks,  and  passing  into  a  large  enclosure,  they  advanced 
midway  through  the  fields  to  a  spot  which  seemed  a 
suitable  one  for  Miss  Patty's  purpose.  The  brawling 
stream  made  a  good  foreground  for  the  picture,  which, 
on  the  one  side,  was  shut  in  by  a  steep  hill  rising  pre- 
cipitously from  the  water's  rough  bed,  and  on  the  other 
side  opened  out  into  a  mountainous  landscape,  having 
in  the  near  view  the  ruined  church  of  Lasthope,  with 
the  still  more  ruinous  minister's  house,  a  fir  planta- 
tion, and  a  rude  bridge;  with  a  middle  distance  of 
bold,  sheep-dotted  hills;  and  for  a  background  the 
"  sow-backed  "  Cheviot  itself. 

Miss  Patty  had  made  her  outline  of  this  scene,  and 
was  preparing  to  wash  it  in,  when,  as  her  companion 
came  up  from  the  stream  with  a  little  tin  can  of  water, 
he  saw,  to  his  equal  terror  and  amazement,  a  huge  bull 


362   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

of  the  most  uninviting  aspect  stealthily  approaching 
the  seated  figure  of  the  unconscious  young  lady.  Mr. 
Verdant  Green  looked  hastily  around  and  at  once  per- 
ceived the  danger  that  menaced  his  fair  friend.  It 
was  evident  that  the  bull  had  come  up  from  the  further 
end  of  the  large  enclosure,  the  while  they  had  been 
too  occupied  to  observe  his  stealthy  approach.  No 


one  was  in  sight  save  Charles  Larkyns,  who  was  too 
far  off  to  be  of  any  use.  The  nearest  gate  was  about 
a  hundred  and  fifty  yards  distant ;  and  the  bull  was  so 
placed  that  he  could  overtake  them  before  they  would 
be  able  to  reach  it.  Overtake  them !  —  yes  !  But  sup- 
pose they  separated  ?  then,  as  the  brute  could  not  go 
two  ways  at  once,  there  would  be  a  chance  for  one  of 
them  to  get  through  the  gate  in  safety.  Love,  which 
induces  people  to  take  extraordinary  steps,  prompted 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  to  jump  at  a  conclusion.  He 
determined,  with  less  display  but  more  sincerity  than 
melodramatic  heroes,  to  save  Miss  Patty,  or  "perish 
in  the  attempt." 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.  363 

She  was  seated  on  the  rising  bank  altogether  ignorant 
of  the  presence  of  danger ;  and,  as  Verdant  returned  to 
her  with  the  tin  can  of  water,  she  received  him  with  a 
happy  smile,  and  a  gush  of  pleasant  small  talk,  which  our 
hero  immediately  repressed  by  saying,  "  Don't  be  fright- 
ened —  there  is  no  danger  —  but  there  is  a  bull  coming 
towards  us.  Walk  quietly  to  that  gate,  and  keep  your 
face  towards  him  as  much  as  possible,  and  don't  let 
him  see  that  you  are  afraid  of  him.  I  will  take  off  his 
attention  till  you  are  safe  at  the  gate,  and  then  I  can 
wade  through  the  stream  and  get  out  of  his  reach." 

Miss  Patty  had  at  once  sprung  to  her  feet,  and  her 
smile  had  changed  to  a  terrified  expression.  "Oh,  but 
he  will  hurt  you!"  she  cried;  "do  come  with  me.  It 
is  Papa's  bull  '  Roarer;'  he  is  very  savage.  I  can't 
think  what  brings  him  here  —  he  is  generally  up  at  the 
bailiff's.  Pray  do  come;  I  can  take  care  of  myself." 

Miss  Patty  in  her  agitation  and  anxiety  had  taken 
hold  of  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  hand;  but,  although  the 
young  gentleman  would  at  any  other  time  have  very 
willingly  allowed  her  to  retain  possession  of  it,  on  the 
present  occasion  he  disengaged  it  from  her  clasp,  and 
said,  "Pray  don't  lose  time,  or  it  will  be  too  late  for 
both  of  us.  I  assure  you  that  I  can  easily  take  care 
of  myself.  Now  do  go,  pray;  quietly,  but  quickly." 
So  Miss  Patty,  with  an  earnest,  searching  gaze  into  her 
companion's  face,  did  as  he  bade  her,  and  retreated 
with  her  face  to  the  foe. 

In  a  few  seconds,  however,  the  object  of  her  move- 
ment had  dawned  upon  Mr.  Roarer's  dull  understanding, 
upon  which  discovery  he  set  up  a  bellow  of  fury,  and 
stamped  the  ground  in  very  undignified  wrath.  But, 
more  than  this,  like  a  skilful  general  who  has  satisfac- 
torily worked  out  the  forty-seventh  proposition  of  the 


364   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

First  Book  of  Euclid,  and  knows  therefrom  that  the 
square  of  the  hypothenuse  equals  both  that  of  the  base 
and  perpendicular,  he  unconsciously  commenced  the 
solution  of  the  problem,  by  making  a  galloping  charge 
in  the  direction  of  the  gate  to  which  Miss  Patty  was 
hastening.  Thereupon,  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  perceiving 
the  young  lady's  peril,  deliberately  ran  towards  Mr. 
Roarer,  shouting  and  brandishing  the  sketch-book. 
Mr.  Roarer  paused  in  wonder  and  perplexity.  Mr. 
Verdant  Green  shouted  and  advanced;  Miss  Patty 
steadily  retreated.  After  a  few  moments  of  indeci- 
sion Mr.  Roarer  abandoned  his  design  of  pursuing  the 
petticoats,  and  resolved  that  the  gentleman  should  be 
his  first  victim.  Accordingly  he  sounded  his  trumpet 
for  the  conflict,  gave  another  roar  and  a  stamp,  and 
then  ran  towards  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  who,  having 
picked  up  a  large  stone,  threw  it  dexterously  into  Mr. 
Roarer's  face,  which  brought  that  broad-chested  gen- 
tleman to  a  stand-still  of  astonishment  and  a  search 
for  the  missile.  Of  this  Mr.  Verdant  Green  took 
advantage,  and  made  a  Parthian  retreat.  Glancing 
towards  Miss  Patty  he  saw  that  she  was  within  thirty 
yards  of  the  gate,  and  in  a  minute  or  two  would  be  in 
safety  —  saved  through  his  means ! 

A  bellow  from  Mr.  Roarer's  powerful  lungs  pre- 
vented him  for  the  present  from  pursuing  this  delight- 
ful theme.  In  another  moment  the  bull  charged,  and 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  —  braced  up,  as  it  were,  to  energetic 
proceedings  by  the  screams  with  which  Miss  Patty  had 
now  begun  to  shrilly  echo  Mr.  Roarer's  deep-mouthed, 
bellowings  —  waited  for  his  approach,  and  then,  as  the 
bull  rushed  on  him  —  like  a  massive  rock  hurled  for- 
ward by  an  avalanche  —  he  leaped  aside,  nimble  as  a 
doubling  hare.  As  he  did  so,  he  threw  down  his 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.  365 

wide-awake,  which  the  irate  Mr.  Roarer  forthwith  fell 
upon,  and  tossed,  and  tossed,  and  tore  into  shreds. 
By  this  time,  Verdant  had  reached  the  bank  of  the 
Swirl;  but  before  he  could  proceed  further,  the  bull 
was  upon  him  again.  Verdant  was  prepared  for  this, 
and  had  taken  off  his  coat.  As  the  bull  dashed  heavily 
towards  him,  with  head  bent  wickedly  to  the  ground, 
Verdant  again  doubled,  and,  with  the  dexterity  of  a 
matador,  threw  his  coat  upon  the  horns.  Blinded  by 
this,  Mr.  Roarer's  headlong  career  was  temporarily 
checked ;  and  it  was  three  minutes  before  he  had  torn 
to  shreds  the  imaginary  body  of  his  enemy;  but  this 
three  minutes'  pause  was  of  very  great  importance, 
and  in  all  probability  prevented  the  memoirs  of  Mr. 
Verdant  Green  from  coming  to  an  untimely  end  at 
this  portion  of  the  narrative. 

Miss  Patty's  continued  screams  had  been  signals  of 
distress  that  had  not  only  brought  up  Charles  Larkyns, 
but  four  labourers  also,  who  were  working  in  a  field 
within  ear-shot.  This  corps  de  reserve  ran  up  to  the 
spot  with  all  speed,  shouting  as  they  did  so,  in  order 
to  distract  Mr.  Roarer's  attention.  By  this  time  Mr. 
Verdant  Green  had  waded  into  the  water,  and  was 
making  the  best  of  his  way  across  the  Swirl,  in  order 
that  he  might  reach  the  precipitous  hill  to  the  right ; 
up  this  he  could  scramble  and  bid  defiance  to  Mr. 
Roarer.  But  there  is  many  a  slip  'tween  cup  and  lip. 
Poor  Verdant  chanced  to  make  a  stepping-stone  of  a 
treacherous  boulder,  and  fell  headlong  into  the  water; 
and  ere  he  could  regain  his  feet,  the  bull  had  plunged 
with  a  bellow  into  the  stream,  and  was  within  a  yard 
of  his  prostrate  form,  when  — 

When    you    may    imagine    Mr.     Verdant    Green's 


366   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

delight  and  Miss  Patty  Honeywood's  thankfulness  a\. 
seeing  one  of  the  labourers  run  into  the  stream,  and 
strike  the  bull  a  heavy  stroke  with  a  sharp  hoe,  the 
pain  of  which  wound  caused  Mr.  Roarer  to  suddenly 
wheel  round  and  engage  with  his  new  adversary,  who 
followed  up  his  advantage,  and  cut  into  his  enemy 
with  might  and  main.  Then  Charles  Larkyns  and  the 
other  three  labourers  came  up,  and  the  bull  was  pre- 
vented from  doing  an  injury  to  any  one  until  a  farm- 
servant  had  arrived  upon  the  scene  with  a  strong 
halter,  when  Mr.  Roarer,  somewhat  spent  with  wrath, 
and  suffering  from  considerable  depression  of  animal 
spirits,  was  conducted  to  the  obscure  retirement  and 
littered  ease  of  the  bull-house. 

This  little  adventure  has  been  recorded  here,  inas- 
much as  from  it  was  forged,  by  the  hand  of  Cupid,  a 
golden  link  in  our  hero's  chain  of  fate;  for  to  this 
occurrence  Miss  Patty  attached  no  slight  importance. 
She  exalted  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  conduct  on  this  occa- 
sion into  an  act  of  heroism  worthy  to  be  ranked  with  far 
more  notable  deeds  of  valour.  She  looked  upon  him 
as  a  Bayard  who  had  chivalrously  risked  his  life  in  the 
cause  of  —  love,  was  it?  or  only  of  —  a  lady.  Her 
gratitude,  she  considered,  ought  to  be  very  great  to 
one  who  had,  at  so  great  a  venture,  preserved  her  from 
so  horrible  a  death.  For  that  she  would  have  been 
dreadfully  gored,  and  would  have  lost  her  life,  if  she 
had  not  been  rescued  by  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  Miss 
Patty  had  most  fully  and  unalterably  decided  —  which, 
certainly,  might  have  been  the  case. 

At  any  rate,  our  hero  had  no  reason  to  regret  that 
portion  of  his  life's  drama  in  which  Mr.  Roarer  had 
made  his  appearance. 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   367 


CHAPTER   III. 


MR.     VERDANT     GREEN    STUDIES    YE    MANNERS    AND    CUS- 
TOMS   OF    YE    NATYVES. 

iss  PATTY  HONEYWOOD 
was  not  only  distin- 
guished for  unlim- 
ited powers  of  con- 
versation, but  was 
also  equally  famous 
for  her  equestrian 
abilities.  She  and 
her  sister  were  the 
first  horsewomen  in 
that  part  of  the 
county  ;  and,  if 
their  father  had  per- 
mitted, they  would  have  been  delighted  to  ride  to 
hounds,  and  to  cross  country  with  the  foremost  flight, 
for  they  had  pluck  enough  for  any  thing.  They  had 
such  light  hands  and  good  seats,  and  in  every  respect 
rode  so  well,  that,  as  a  matter  of  course,  they  looked 
well  —  never  better,  perhaps,  than  —  when  on  horse- 
back. Their  bright,  happy  faces  —  which  were  far 
more  beautiful  in  their  piquant  irregularities  of  feature, 
and  gave  one  far  more  pleasure  in  the  contemplation 
than  if  they  had  been  moulded  in  the  coldly  chiselled 
24 


368  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

forms  of  classic  beauty  —  appeared  with  no  diminution 
of  charms,  when  set  off  by  their  pretty  felt  riding-hats; 
and  their  full,  firm,  and  well-rounded  figures  were  seen 
to  the  greatest  advantage  when  clad  in  the  graceful 
dress  that  passes  by  the  name  of  a  riding-habit. 

Every  morning,  after  breakfast,  the  two  young 
ladies  were  accustomed  to  visit  the  stables,  where  they 
had  interviews  with  their  respective  steeds  —  steeds 
and  mistresses  appearing  to  be  equally  gratified  thereby. 


It  is  perhaps  needless  to  state  that  during  Mr.  Verdant 
Green's  sojourn  at  Honeywood  Hall,  Miss  Patty's 
stable  calls  were  generally  made  in  his  company. 

Such  rides  as  they  took  in  those  happy  days  —  wild, 
pic-nic  sort  of  rides,  over  country  equally  as  wild  and 
removed  from  formality  —  rides  by  duets  and  rides  in 
duodecimos ;  sometimes  a  solitary  couple  or  two ;  some- 
times a  round  dozen  of  them,  scampering  and  racing 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.  369 

over  hill  and  heather,  with  startled  grouse 'and  black- 
cock skirring  up  from  under  the  very  hoofs  of  the  equally 
startled  horses;  —  rides  by  tumbling  streams,  like  the 
Swirl  —  splashing  through  them,  with  pulled-up  or 
draggled  habits  —  then  cantering  on  "over  bank,  bush, 
and  scaur,"  like  so  many  fair  Ellens  and  young  Lochin- 
vars  —  clambering  up  very  precipices,  and  creeping 


down  break-neck  hills  —  laughing  and  talking,  and 
singing,  and  whistling,  and  even  (so  far  as  Mr.  Bouncer 
was  concerned)  blowing  cows'  horns!  What  vagabond, 
rollicking  rides  were  those!  What  a  healthy  contrast 
to  the  necessarily  formal,  groom-attended  canter  on 
Society's  Rotten  Row! 

A  legion  of  dogs  accompanied  them  on  these  occa- 
sions ;  a  miscellaneous  pack  composed  of  Masters  Huz 


3/O  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

and  Buz  (in  great  spirits  at  finding  themselves  in  such 
capital  quarters),  a  black  Newfoundland  (answering  to 
the  name  of  "Nigger"),  a  couple  of  Setters  (with  titles 
from  the  heathen  mythology  —  "Juno"  and  "Flora"), 
a  ridiculous-looking,  bandy-legged  otter-hound  (called 
"Gripper"),  a  wiry,  rat -catching  terrier  ("Nipper"), 
and  two  silky-haired,  long-backed,  short-legged,  sharp- 
nosed,  bright-eyed,  pepper-and-salt  Skye-terriers,  who 
respectively  answered  to  the  names  of  "  Whisky  "  and 
"Toddy,"  and  were  the  property  of  the  Misses 
Honeywood.  The  lordly  shepherds'  dogs,  whom  they 
encountered  on  their  journeys,  would  have  nothing  to 
do  with  such  a  medley  of  unruly  scamps,  but  turned 
from  their  overtures  of  friendship  with  patrician  dis- 
dain. They  routed  up  rabbits;  they  turned  out  hedge- 
hogs ;  and,  at  their  approach,  they  made  the  game  fly 
with  a  WHIR-R-R-R-R-R-R  arranged  as  a  diminuendo. 

These  free-and-easy  equestrian  expeditions  were  not 
only  agreeable  to  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  feelings,  but 
they  were  also  useful  to  him  as  so  many  lessons  of 
horsemanship,  and  so  greatly  advanced  him  in  the 
practice  of  that  noble  science,  that  the  admiring  Squire 
one  day  said  to  him — '"I'll  tell  you  what,  Verdant! 
before  we  've  done  with  you,  we  shall  make  you  ride 
like  a  Shafto !  "  At  which  high  eulogium  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  blushed,  and  made  an  inward  resolution  that,  as 
soon  as  he  had  returned  home,  he  would  subscribe  to 
the  Warwickshire  hounds,  and  make  his  appearance  in 
the  field. 

On  Sundays  the  Honeywood  party  usually  rode  and 
drove  to  the  church  of  a  small  market-town,  some 
seven  or  eight  miles  distant.  If  it  was  a  wet  day, 
they  walked  to  the  ruined  church  of  Lasthope  —  the 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.  371 

place  Miss  Patty  was  sketching  when  disturbed  by 
Mr.  Roarer.  Lasthope  was  in  lay  hands;  and  its 
lay  rector,  who  lived  far  away,  had  so  little  care  for 
the  edifice,  or  the  proper  conduct  of  divine  service, 
that  he  allowed  the  one  to  continue  in  its  ruins,  and 
suffered  the  other  to  be  got  through  anyhow  or  not  at 
all  —  just  as  it  happened.  Clergymen  were  engaged 
te  perform  the  service  (there  was  but  one  each  day) 
at  the  lowest  price  of  the  clerical  market.  Occasion- 
ally it  was  announced,  in  the  vernacular  of  the  district, 
that  there  would  be  no  church,  "because  the  priest 
had  gone  for  the  sea-bathing,"  or  because  the  waters 
were  out,  and  the  priest  could  not  get  across.  As  a 
matter  of  course,  in  consequence  of  the  uncertainty  of 
finding  any  one  to  perform  the  service  when  they  had 
got  to  church,  and  of  the  slovenly  way  in  which  the 
service  was  scrambled  through  when  they  had  got  a 
clergyman  there,  the  congregation  generally  preferred 
attending  the  large  Presbyterian  meeting-house,  which 
was  about  two  miles  from  Lasthope.  Here,  at  any 
rate,  they  met  with  the  reverse  of  coldness  in  the  con- 
duct of  the  service. 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  and  his  male  friends  strayed  there 
one  Sunday  for  curiosity's  sake,  and  found  a  minis- 
ter of  indefatigable  eloquence  and  enviable  power  of 
lungs,  who  had  arrived  at  such  a  pitch  of  heat,  from 
the  combined  effects  of  the  weather  and  his  own  exer- 
tions, that  in  the  very  middle  of  his  discourse  —  and 
literally  in  the  heat  of  it  —  he  paused  to  divest  himself 
of  his  gown,  heavily  braided  with  serge  and  velvet, 
and,  hanging  it  over  the  side  of  the  pulpit  ("the 
pilput,"  his  congregation  called  it),  mopped  his  head 
with  his  handkerchief,  and  then  pursued  his  theme 


3/2   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

like  a  giant  refreshed.  At  this  stage  in  the  proceed- 
ings, little  Mr.  Bouncer  became  in  a  high  state  of 
pleasurable  excitement,  from  the  expectation  that  the 
minister  would  next  divest  himself  of  his  coat,  and 
would  struggle  through  the  rest  of  his  argument  in  his 
shirt-sleeves;  but  Mr.  Bouncer's  improper  wishes 
were  not  gratified. 

The  sermon  was  so  extremely  metaphorical,  was 
founded  on  such  abstruse  passages,  and  was  delivered 
in  so  broad  a  dialect,  that  it  was  caviare  to  Mr.  Ver- 
dant Green  and  his  friends;  but  it  seemed  to  be  far 
otherwise  with  the  attentive  and  crowded  congregation, 
who  relieved  their  minister  at  intervals  by  loud  bursts 
of  singing,  that  were  impressive  from  their  fervency 
though  not  particularly  harmonious  to  a  delicately- 
musical  ear.  Near  to  the  close  of  the  service  there 
was  a  collection,  which  induced  Mr.  Bouncer  to  whis- 
per to  Verdant  —  as  an  axiom  deduced  from  his  long 
experience  —  that  "  you  never  come  to  a  strange  place, 
but  what  you  are  sure  to  drop  in  for  a  collection ;  "  but, 
on  finding  that  it  was  a  weekly  offering,  and  that  no 
one  was  expected  to  give  more  than  a  copper,  the 
little  gentleman  relented,  and  cheerfully  dropped  a 
piece  of  silver  into  the  wooden  box.  It  was  astonish- 
ing to  see  the  throngs  of  people,  that,  in  so  thinly 
inhabited  a  district,  could  be  assembled  at  this  meet- 
ing-house. Though  it  seemed  almost  incredible  to 
our  midland-county  friends,  yet  not  a  few  of  these 
poor,  simple,  earnest-minded  people  would  walk  from 
a  distance  of  fifteen  miles,  starting  at  an  early  hour, 
coming  by  easy  stages,  and  bringing  with  them  their 
dinner,  so  as  to  enable  them  to  stay  for  the  afternoon 
service.  On  the  Sunday  mornings  the  red  cloaks  and 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.  373 

grey  plaids  of  these  pious  men  and  women  might  be 
seen  dotting  the  green  hillsides,  and  slowly  moving 
towards  the  gaunt  and  grim  red  brick  meeting-house. 
And  around  it,  on  great  occasions,  were  tents 
pitched  for  the  between-service  accommodation  of 
the  worshippers. 

Both  they  and  it  contrasted,  in  every  way,  with  the 
ruined  church  of  Lasthope,  whose  worship  seemed 
also  to  have  gone  to  ruin  with  the  uncared-for  edifice. 
Its  aisles  had  tumbled  down,  and  their  material  had 
been  rudely  built  up  within  the  arches  of  the  nave. 
The  church  was  thus  converted  into  the  non-ecclesias- 
tical form  of  a  parallelogram,  and  was  fitted  up  with 
the  very  rudest  and  ugliest  of  deal  enclosures,  which 
were  dignified  with  the  name  of  pews,  but  ought  to 
have  been  termed  pens. 

During  the  time  of  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  visit,  the 
service  at  this  ecclesiastical  ruin  was  performed  by  a 
clergyman  who  had  apparently  been  selected  for  the 
duty  from  his  harmonious  resemblance  to  the  place; 
for  he  also  was  an  ecclesiastical  ruin  —  a  schoolmaster 
in  holy  orders,  who,  having  to  slave  hard  all  through 
the  working-days  of  the  week,  had  to  work  still  harder 
on  the  day  of  rest.  For,  first,  the  Ruin  had  to  ride 
his  stumbling  old  pony  a  distance  of  twelve  miles  (and 
twelve  such  miles!)  to  Lasthope,  where  he  stabled  it 
(bringing  the  feed  of  corn  in  his  pocket,  and  leading 
it  to  drink  at  the  Swirl)  in  the  dilapidated  stable  of 
the  tumbled-down  rectory-house.  Then  he  had  to  get 
through  the  morning  service  without  any  loss  of  time, 
to  enable  him  to  ride  eight  miles  in  another  direction 
(eating  his  sandwich  dinner  as  he  went  along),  where 
he  had  to  take  the  afternoon  duty  and  occasional  ser- 


374   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

vices  at  a  second  church.  When  this  was  done,  he 
might  find  his  way  home  as  well  as  he  could,  and 
enjoy  with  his  family  as  much  of  the  day  of  rest  as  he 
had  leisure  and  strength  for.  The  stipend  that  the 
Ruin  received  for  his  labours  was  greatly  below  the 
wages  given  to  a  butler  by  the  lay  rector,  who  pocketed 
a  very  nice  income  by  this  respectable  transaction. 
But  the  Butler  was  a  stately  edifice  in  perfect  repair, 
both  outside  and  in,  so  far  as  clothes  and  food  went ; 
and  the  Parson  was  an  ill-conditioned  Ruin  left  to 
moulder  away  in  an  obscure  situation,  without  even 
the  ivy  of  luxuriance  to  make  him  graceful  and 
picturesque. 

Mr.  Honeywood's  family  were  the  only  "respect- 
able" persons  who  occasionally  attended  the  Ruin's 
ministrations  in  Lasthope  church.  The  other  people 
who  made  up  the  scanty  congregation  were  old  Andrew 
Graham  and  his  children,  and  a  few  of  the  poorer  sort 
of  Honeybourn.  They  all  brought  their  dogs  with 
them  as  a  matter  of  course.  On  entering  the  church 
the  men  hung  up  their  bonnets  on  a  row  of  pegs  pro- 
vided for  that  purpose,  and  fixed,  as  an  ecclesiastical 
ornament,  along  the  western  wall  of  the  church.  They 
then  took  their  places  in  their  pens,  accompanied  by 
their  dogs,  who  usually  behaved  with  remarkable  pro- 
priety, and,  during  the  sermon,  set  their  masters  an 
example  of  watchfulness.  On  one  occasion  the  pro- 
ceedings were  interrupted  by  a  rat  hunt ;  the  dogs  gave 
tongue,  and  leaped  the  pews  in  the  excitement  of  the 
chase  —  their  masters  followed  them  and  laid  about 
them  with  their  sticks  —  and  when  with  difficulty 
order  had  been  restored,  the  service  was  proceeded 
with.  It  must  be  confessed  that  Mr.  Bouncer  was  so 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.  375 

badly  disposed  as  to  wish  for  a  repetition  of  this  scene; 
but  (happily)  he  was  disappointed. 

The  choir  of  Lasthope  Church  was  centred  in  the 
person  of  the  clerk,  who  apparently  sang  tunes  of  his 
own  composing,  in  which  the  congregation  joined  at 
their  discretion,  though  usually  to  different  airs.  The 
result  was  a  discordant  struggle,  through  which  the 
clerk  bravely  maintained  his  own  until  he  had  ex- 
hausted himself,  when  he  shut  up  his  book  and  sat 
down,  and  the  congregation  had  to  shut  up  also.  Dur- 
ing the  singing  the  intelligence  of  the  dogs  was  dis- 
played in  their  giving  a  stifled  utterance  to  howls  of 
anguish,  which  were  repeated  ad  libitum  throughout 
the  hymn ;  but  as  this  was  a  customary  proceeding  it 
attracted  no  attention,  unless  a  dog  expressed  his 
sufferings  more  loudly  than  was  wont,  when  he  received 
a  clout  from  his  master's  staff  that  silenced  him,  and 
sent  him  under  the  pew-seat,  as  to  a  species  of 
ecclesiastical  St.  Helena. 

Such  was  Lasthope  Church,  its  Ruin,  and  its  ser- 
vice; and,  as  may  be  imagined  from  these  notes  which 
the  veracious  historian  has  thought  fit  to  chronicle, 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  found  that  his  Sundays  in  North- 
umberland produced  as  much  novelty  as  the  week-days. 


CHAPTER  IV. 

MR.  VERDANT  GREEN  ENDEAVOURS  TO  SAY  SNIP  TO 
SOME  ONE'S  SNAP. 

THERE  was  a  gate  in  the  kitchen-garden  of  Honey- 
wood  Hall,  that  led  into  an  orchard ;  and  in  this 
orchard  there  was  a  certain  apple-tree  that  had  assumed 
one  of  those  peculiarities  of  form  to  which  the  chil- 
dren of  Pomona  are  addicted.  After  growing  upright 
for  about  a  foot  and  a  half,  it  had  suddenly  shot  out  at 
right  angles,  with  a  gentle  upward  slope  for  a  length  of 
between  three  and  four  feet,  and  had  then  again  struck 
up  into  the  perpendicular.  It  thus  formed  a  natural 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   377 

orchard  seat,  capable  of  holding  two  persons  comfort- 
ably—  provided  that  they  regarded  a  close  proximity 
as  comfortable  sitting. 

One  day  Miss  Patty  directed  Verdant' s  attention  to 
this  vagary  of  nature.  "This  is  one  of  my  favourite 
haunts,"  she  said.  "I  often  steal  here  on  a  hot  day 
with  some  work  or  a  book.  You  see  this  upper  branch 
makes  quite  a  little  table,  and  I  can  rest  my  book 
upon  it.  It  is  so  pleasant  to  be  under  the  shade  here, 
with  the  fruit  or  blossoms  over  one's  head;  and  it  is 
so  snug  and  retired,  and  out  of  the  way  of  every  one." 

"  It  is  very  snug  —  and  very  retired,"  said  Mr.  Ver- 
dant Green;  and  he  thought  that  now  would  be  the 
very  time  to  put  in  execution  a  project  that  had  for 
some  days  past  been  haunting  his  brain. 

"When  Kitty  and  I,"  said  Miss  Patty,  "have  any 
secrets  we  come  here  and  tell  them  to  each  other  while 
we  sit  at  our  work.  No  one  can  hear  what  we  say; 
and  we  are  quite  snug  all  to  ourselves." 

Very  odd,  thought  Verdant,  that  they  should  fix  on 
this  particular  spot  for  confidential  communications, 
and  take  the  trouble  to  come  here  to  make  them,  when 
they  could  do  so  in  their  own  rooms  at  the  house. 
And  yet  it  isn't  such  a  bad  spot  either. 

"  Try  how  comfortable  a  seat  it  is!"  said  Miss  Patty. 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  began  to  feel  hot.  He  sat  down, 
however,  and  tested  the  comforts  of  the  seat,  much  in 
the  same  way  as  he  would  try  the  spring  of  a  lounging 
chair,  and  apparently  with  a  like  result,  for  he  said, 
"  Yes,  it  is  very  comfortable  —  very  comfortable 
indeed." 

"I  thought  you'd  like  it,"  said  Miss  Patty;  "and 
you  see  how  nicely  the  branches  droop  all  round :  they 


3/8   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

make  it  quite  an  arbour.  If  Kitty  had  been  here  with 
me  I  think  you  would  have  had  some  trouble  to  have 
found  us." 

"I  think  I  should;  it  is  quite  a  place  to  hide  in," 
said  Verdant.  But  the  young  lady  and  gentleman 
must  have  been  speaking  with  the  spirit  of  ostriches, 
and  have  imagined  that,  when  they  had  hidden  their 
heads,  they  had  altogether  concealed  themselves  from 
observation;  for  the  branches  of  the  apple-tree  only 
drooped  low  enough  to  conceal  the  upper  part  of  their 
figures,  and  left  the  rest  exposed  to  view.  "Won't 
you  sit  down,  also  ?  "  asked  Verdant,  with  a  gasp  and  a 
sensation  in  his  head  as  though  he  had  been  drinking 
champagne  too  freely. 

"I  'm  afraid  there  's  scarcely  room  for  me,"  pleaded 
Miss  Patty. 

"Oh  yes,  there  is,  indeed!  pray  sit  down." 

So  she  sat  down  on  the  lower  part  of  the  trunk. 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  glanced  rapidly  round  and  per- 
ceived that  they  were  quite  alone,  and  partly  shrouded 
from  view.  The  following  highly  interesting  conver- 
sation then  took  place. 

He.  "Won't  you  change  places  with  me?  you'll 
slip  off." 

She.   "No  —  I  think  I  can  manage." 

He.   "  But  you  can  come  closer. " 

She.   "Thanks."     (She  comes  closer.} 

He.   "Isn't  that  more  comfortable?" 

She.   "  Yes  —  very  much. " 

He.  ( Very  hot,  and  not  knowing  what  to  say. )  —  "I  — • 
I  think  you '11  slip!" 

She.   "Oh  no!  it 's  very  comfortable  indeed." 

(That  is  to  say  —  thinks  Mr.  Verdant  Green  —  that 
sitting  BY  ME  is  very  comfortable.  Hurrah !) 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   379 

She.   "  It 's  very  hot,  don't  you  think?  " 
He.     "How   very   odd!      I   was   just   thinking   the 
same." 

She.  "I  think  I  shall  take  my  hat  off  —  it  is  so 
warm.  Dear  me !  how  stupid !  —  the  strings  are  in  a 
knot." 

He.   "  Let  me  see  if  I  can  untie  them  for  you. " 
She.     "Thanks!     no!    I    can    manage."      (But  she 
cannot. ) 

He.   "  You  'd  better  let  me  try !  now  do !  " 
She.   "Oh,   thanks!  but  I'm  sorry  you  should  have 
the  trouble." 

He.  "  No  trouble  at  all.  Quite  a  pleasure. " 
(In  a  very  hot  condition  of  mind  and  fingers,  Mr. 
Verdant  Green  then  endeavoured  to  release  the  strings 
from  their  entanglement.  But  all  in  vain :  he  tugged, 
and  pulled,  and  only  made  matters  worse.  Once  or 
twice  in  the  struggle  his  hands  touched  Miss  Patty's 
chin;  and  no  highly-charged  electrical  machine  could 
have  imparted  a  shock  greater  than  that  tingling  sensa- 
tion of  pleasure  which  Mr.  Verdant  Green  experienced 
when  his  fingers,  for  the  fraction  of  a  second,  touched 
Miss  Patty's  soft  dimpled  chin.  Then  there  was  her 
beautiful  neck,  so  white,  and  with  such  blue  veins !  he 
had  an  irresistible  desire  to  stroke  it  for  its  very 
smoothness  —  as  one  loves  to  feel  the  polish  of  mar- 
ble, or  the  glaze  of  wedding-cards  —  instead  of  employ- 
ing his  hands  in  fumbling  at  the  brown  ribands,  whose 
knots  became  more  complicated  than  ever.  Then 
there  was  her  happy  rosy  face,  so  close  to  which  his 
own  was  brought  ;  and  her  bright,  laughing,  hazel 
eyes,  in  which,  as  he  timidly  looked  up,  he  saw  little 
daguerreotypes  of  himself.  Would  that  he  could 


380   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

retain  such  a  photographer  by  his  side  through  life! 
Miss  Bouncer's  camera  was  as  nothing  compared  with 
the  camera  lucida  of  those  clear  eyes,  that  shone  upon 
him  so  truthfully,  and  mirrored  for  him  such  pretty 
pictures.  And  what  with  these  eyes,  and  the  face, 
and  the  chin,  and  the  neck,  Mr.  Verdant  Green  was 
brought  into  such  an  irretrievable  state  of  mental 
excitement  that  he  was  perfectly  unable  to  render 
Miss  Patty  the  service  he  had  proffered.  But,  more 
than  that,  he  as  yet  lacked  sufficient  courage  to  carry 
out  his  darling  project. 

At  length  Miss  Patty  herself  untied  the  rebellious 
knot,  and  took  off  her  hat.  The  highly  interesting 
conversation  was  then  resumed.) 

She.  "  What  a  frightful  state  my  hair  is  in !  "  (Loops 
lip  an  escaped  lock.}  "You  must  think  me  so  untidy. 
But  out  in  the  country,  and  in  a  place  like  this  where 
no  one  sees  us,  it  makes  one  careless  of  appearance." 

He.  "  I  like  '  a  sweet  neglect, '  especially  in  —  in 
some  people;  it  suits  them  so  well.  I  —  'pon  my 
word,  it's  very  hot!" 

She.  "  But  how  much  hotter  it  must  be  from  under  the 
shade.  It  is  so  pleasant  here.  It  seems  so  dreamlike 
to  sit  among  the  shadows  and  look  out  upon  the  bright 
landscape." 

He.  "  It  is  —  very  jolly  —  soothing,  at  least !  "  (A 
pause.}  "I  think  you  '11  slip.  Do  you  know,  I  think 
it  will  be  safer  if  you  will  let  me  "  (here  his  courage 
fails  him.  He  endeavours  to  say  put  my  arm  round 
your  waist,  but  his  tongue  refuses  to  speak  the  words ;  so 
he  substitutes]  "change  places  with  you." 

She.  (Rises,  with  a  look  of  amused  vexation.}  "Cer- 
tainly! if  you  so  particularly  wish  it."  (They  change 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   381 

places. )  "  Now,  you  see,  you  have  lost  by  the  change. 
You  are  too  tall  for  that  end  of  the  seat,  and  it  did 
very  nicely  for  a  little  body  like  me." 

He.  ( With  a  thrill  of  delight  and  a  sudden  burst  of 
strategy.}  "I  can  hold  on  to  this  branch,  if  my  arm 
will  not  inconvenience  you." 

She.  "  Oh  no !  not  particularly :  "  (he passes  his  right 
arm  behind  her,  and  takes  hold  of  a  bough)-,  "but  I 
should  think  it's  not  very  comfortable  for  you." 

He.  "I  couldn't  be  more  comfortable,  I'm  sure." 
(Nearly  slips  off  the  tree,  and  doubles  up  his  legs  into  an 
unpicturesque  attitude  highly  suggestive  of  misery.  —  A 
pause.}  "And  do  you  tell  your  secrets  here?" 

She.  "  My  secrets  ?  Oh,  I  see  —  you  mean,  with 
Kitty.  Oh,  yes!  if  this  tree  could  talk,  it  would  be 
able  to  tell  such  dreadful  stories." 

He.  "  I  wonder  if  it  could  tell  any  dreadful  stories 
of— me?" 

She.  "  Of  you !  Oh,  no !  Why  should  it  ?  We  are 
only  severe  on  those  we  dislike." 

He.  "Then  you  don't  dislike  me?  " 

She.   "  No !  —  why  should  we  ?  " 

He.  "Well  —  I  don't  know  —  but  I  thought  you 
might.  Well,  I'm  glad  of  that — I'm  very  glad  of 
that.  Ton  my  word,  it's  very  hot!  don't  you  think 
so  ? " 

She.  "Yes!  I'm  burning.  But  I  don't  think  we 
should  find  a  cooler  place."  (Does  not  evince  any 
symptoms  of  moving.} 

He.  "  Well,  p'raps  we  should  n't."  (A pause.}  "  Do 
you  know  that  I  'm  very  glad  you  don't  dislike  me; 
because,  it  would  n't  have  been  pleasant  to  be  disliked 
by  you,  would  it  ?  " 


382   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

She.  "Well  —  of  course,  I  can't  tell.  It  depends 
upon  one's  own  feelings." 

He.   "Then  you  don't  dislike  me?  " 

She.   "  Oh  dear,  no !  why  should  I  ?  " 

He.  "And  if  you  don't  dislike  me,  you  must  like 
me?" 

She.   "  Yes  —  at  least  —  yes,  I  suppose  so. " 

At  this  stage  of  the  proceedings,  the  arm  that  Mr. 
Verdant  Green  had  passed  behind  Miss  Patty  thrilled 
with  such  a  peculiar  sensation  that  his  hand  slipped 
down  the  bough,  and  the  arm  consequently  came 
against  Miss  Patty's  waist,  where  it  rested.  The 
necessity  for  saying  something,  the  wish  to  make  that 
something  the  something  that  was  bursting  his  heart 
and  brain,  and  the  dread  of  letting  it  escape  his  lips 
—  these  three  varied  and  mingled  sensations  so  dis- 
tracted poor  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  mind,  that  he  was 
no  more  conscious  of  what  he  was  giving  utterance  to 
than  if  he  had  been  talking  in  a  dream.  But  there 
was  Miss  Patty  by  his  side  —  a  very  tangible  and 
delightful  reality  —  playing  (somewhat  nervously)  with 
those  rebellious  strings  of  her  hat,  which  loosely  hung 
in  her  hand,  while  the  dappled  shadows  flickered  on 
the  waving  masses  of  her  rich  brown  hair,  —  so  some- 
thing must  be  said  ;  and,  if  it  should  lead  to  the 
something,  why,  so  much  the  better. 

Returning,  therefore,  to  the  subject  of  like  and  dis- 
like, Mr.  Verdant  Green  managed  to  say,  in  a  choking, 
faltering  tone,  "  I  wonder  how  much  you  like  me  — 
very  much  ? " 

She.  "Oh,  I  couldn't  tell  —  how  should  I?  What 
strange  questions  you  ask!  You  saved  my  life;  so, 
of  course,  I  am  very,  very  grateful;  and  I  hope  I  shall 
always  be  your  friend." 


THE  ADVENTURES   OF   MR.   VERDANT  GREEN.     383 

He.  "Yes,  I  hope  so  indeed  —  always  —  and  some- 
thing  more.  Do  you  hope  the  same?  " 

She.  "What  do  you  mean?  Hadn't  we  better  go 
back  to  the  house?" 

He.  "Not  just  yet  —  it's  so  cool  here  —  at  least, 
not  cool  exactly,  but  hot  —  pleasanter,  that  is  —  much 
pleasanter  here.  You  said  so,  you  know,  a  little 
while  since.  Don't  mind  me;  I  always  feel  hot  when 
—  when  I  'm  out  of  doors." 

She.   "Then  we  'd  better  go  indoors." 

He.   "  Pray  don't  —  not  yet  —  do  stop  a  little  longer. " 

And  the  hand  that  had  been  on  the  bough  of  the 
tree,  timidly  seized  Miss  Patty's  arm,  and  then  natur- 
ally, but  very  gently,  fell  upon  her  waist.  A  thrill 
shot  through  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  like  an  electric 
flash,  and,  after  traversing  from  his  head  to  his  heels, 
probably  passed  out  safely  at  his  boots  —  for  it  did 
him  no  harm,  but,  on  the  contrary,  made  him  feel  all 
the  better. 

"But,"  said  the  young  lady,  as  she  felt  the  hand 
upon  her  waist  —  not  that  she  was  really  displeased  at 
the  proceeding,  but  perhaps  she  thought  it  best,  under 
the  circumstances,  to  say  something  that  should  have 
the  resemblance  of  a  veto  —  "  but  it  is  not  necessary 
to  hold  me  a  prisoner." 

"  It  'syou  that  hold  me  a  prisoner !  "  said  Mr.  Verdant 
Green,  with  a  sudden  burst  of  enthusiasm  and  blushes, 
and  a  great  stress  upon  the  pronouns. 

"  Now  you  are  talking  nonsense,  and,  if  so,  I  must 
go !  "  said  Miss  Patty.  And  she  also  blushed ;  per- 
haps it  was  from  the  heat.  But  she  removed  Mr. 
Verdant  Green's  hand  from  her  waist,  and  he  was 
much  too  frightened  to  replace  it. 
25 


384   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

"  Oh !  do  stay  a  little !  "  gasped  the  young  gentle- 
man, with  an  awkward  sensation  of  want  of  employment 
for  his  hands.  "  You  said  that  secrets  were  told  here. 
I  don't  want  to  talk  nonsense;  I  don't  indeed;  but 
the  truth.  I've  a  secret  to  tell  you.  Should  you  like 
to  hear  it  ?  " 

"Oh  yes!"  laughed  Miss  Patty.  "I  like  to  hear 
secrets." 

Now,  how  very  absurd  it  was  in  Mr.  Verdant  Green 
wasting  time  in  beating  about  the  bush  in  this  ridicu- 
lously timid  way!  Why  could  he  not  at  once  boldly 
secure  his  bird  by  a  straightforward  shot  ?  She  did  not 
fly  out  of  his  range — 'did  she?  And  yet,  here  he  was 
making  himself  unnecessarily  hot  and  uncomfortable, 
when  he  might,  by  taking  it  coolly,  have  been  at  his 
ease  in  a  moment.  What  a  foolish  young  man!  Nay, 
he  still  further  lost  time  and  evaded  his  purpose,  by 
saying  once  again  to  Miss  Patty  —  instead  of  immedi- 
ately replying  to  her  observation  —  "  'Pon  my  word, 
it 's  uncommonly  hot !  don't  you  think  so  ?  " 

Upon  which  Miss  Patty  replied,  with  some  little 
chagrin,  "  And  was  that  your  secret  ? "  If  she  had 
lived  in  the  Elizabethan  era,  she  could  have  adjured 
him  with  a  "  Marry,  come  up !  "  which  would  have 
brought  him  to  the  point  without  any  further  trouble; 
but  living  in  a  Victorian  age,  she  could  do  no  more 
than  say  what  she  did,  and  leave  the  rest  of  her  mean- 
ing to  the  language  of  the  eyes. 

"Don't  laugh  at  me!"  urged  the  bashful  and  weak- 
minded  young  man;  "don't  laugh  at  me!  If  you  only 
knew  what  I  feel  when  you  laugh  at  me,  you  'd  —  " 

"Cry,  I  dare  say!"  said  Miss  Patty,  cutting  him 
short  with  a  merry  smile,  and  (it  must  be  confessed)  a 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.  385 

most  wickedly-roguish  expression  about  those  bright 
flashing  hazel  eyes  of  hers.  "Now,  you  haven't  told 
me  this  wonderful  secret !  " 

"Why,"  said  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  slowly  and  delib- 
erately —  feeling  that  his  time  was  coming  on,  and 
cowardly  anxious  still  to  fight  off  the  fatal  words  — 
"you  said  that  you  didn't  dislike  me;  and,  in  fact, 
that  you  liked  me  very  much;  and"  — 

But  here  Miss  Patty  cut  him  short  again.  She 
turned  sharply  round  upon  him,  with  those  bright  eyes 
and  that  merry  face,  and  said,  "  Oh !  how  can  you  say 
so?  I  never  said  any  thing  of  the  sort!" 

"Well,"  said  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  who  was  now 
desperate,  and  mentally  prepared  to  take  the  dreaded 
plunge  into  that  throbbing  sea  that  beats  upon  the 
strand  of  matrimony,  "  whether  you  like  me  very  much 
or  not,  /  like  you  very  much!  —  very  much  indeed! 
Ever  since  I  saw  you,  since  last  Christmas,  I  've  — 
I  've  liked  you  —  very  much  indeed. " 

Mr.  Verdant  Green,  in  a  very  hot  and  excited  state, 
had,  while  he  was  speaking,  timidly  brought  his  hand 
once  more  to  Miss  Patty's  waist;  and  she  did  not 
interfere  with  its  position.  In  fact,  she  was  bending 
down  her  head,  and  was  gazing  intently  on  another 
knot  that  she  had  wilfully  made  in  her  hat-strings; 
and  she  was  working  so  violently  at  that  occupation 
of  untying  the  knot,  that  very  probably  she  might  not 
have  been  aware  of  the  situation  of  Mr.  Verdant 
Green's  hand.  At  any  rate,  her  own  hands  were  too 
much  busied  to  suffer  her  to  interfere  with  his. 

At  last  the  climax  had  arrived.  Mr.  Verdant  Green 
had  screwed  his  courage  to  the  sticking  point,  and  had 
resolved  to  tell  the  secret  of  his  love.  He  had  got  to 


386   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

the  very  edge  of  the  precipice,  and  was  on  the  point  of 
jumping  over  head  and  ears  into  the  stream  of  his 
destiny,  and  of  bursting  into  any  excited  form  of  words 
that  should  make  known  his  affection  and  his  designs, 
when when  a  vile  perfume  of  tobacco,  a  sudden 


barking  rush  of  Huz  and  Buz,  and  the  horrid  voice  of 
little  Mr.  Bouncer,  dispelled  the  bright  vision,  dis- 
persed his  ideas,  and  prevented  the  fulfilment  of  his 
purpose. 

"Holloa,  Gig-lamps!"  roared  the  little  gentleman, 
as  he  removed  a  short  pipe  from  his  mouth,  and 
expelled  an  ascending  curl  of  smoke ;  "  I  've  been 
looking  for  you  everywhere!  Here  we  are, —  as  Ham- 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   387 

let's  uncle  said,  — all  in  the  horchard!  I  hope  he  's 
not  been  pouring  poison  in  your  ear,  Miss  Honeywood; 
he  looks  rather  guilty.  The  Mum  —  I  mean  your 
mother — sent  me  to  find  you.  The  luncheon  's  been 
on  the  table  more  than  an  hour!" 

Luckily  for  Mr.  Verdant  Green  and  Miss  Patty 
Honeywood,  little  Mr.  Bouncer  rattled  on  without 
waiting  for  any  reply  to  his  observations,  and  thus 
enabled  the  young  lady  to  somewhat  recover  her  pres- 
ence of  mind,  and  to  effect  a  hasty  retreat  from  under 
the  apple  tree,  and  through  the  garden  gate. 

"I  say,  old  feller,"  said  Mr.  Bouncer,  as  he  criti- 
cised Mr.  Verdant  Green's  countenance  over  the  bowl 
of  his  pipe,  "you  look  rather  in  a  stew!  What 's  up? 
My  gum ! "  cried  the  little  gentleman,  as  an  idea  of 
the  truth  suddenly  flashed  upon  him;  "you  don't  mean 
to  say  you  've  been  doing  the  spooney  —  what  you  call 
making  love  —  have  you?" 

"  Oh !  "  groaned  the  person  addressed,  as  he  followed 
out  the  train  of  his  own  ideas ;  "  if  you  had  but  have 
come  five  minutes  later  —  or  not  at  all !  It 's  most 
provoking !  " 

"  Well !  you  're  a  grateful  bird,  I  don't  think !  "  said 
Mr.  Bouncer.  "  Cut  after  her  into  luncheon,  and  have 
it  out  over  the  cold  mutton  and  pickles !  " 

"  Oh  no  !  "  responded  the  luckless  lover ;  "  I  can't  eat 
—  especially  before  the  others !  I  mean  —  I  could  n't 
talk  to  her  before  the  others.  Oh  !  I  don't  know  what 
I  'm  saying." 

"  Well,  I  don't  think  you  do,  old  feller !  "  said  Mr. 
Bouncer,  puffing  away  at  his  pipe.  "  I  'm  sorry  I  was 
in  the  road,  though !  because,  though  I  fight  shy  of 
those  sort  of  things  myself,  yet  I  don't  want  to  inter- 


388  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

fere  with  the  little  weaknesses  of  other  folks.  But  come 
and  have  a  pipe,  old  feller,  and  we  '11  talk  matters  over, 
and  see  what  pips  are  on  the  cards,  and  what 's  the  state 
of  the  game." 

Now,  a  pipe  was   Mr.  Bouncer's   panacea  for  every 
kind  of  indisposition,  both  mental  and  bodily. 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.  389 


CHAPTER  V. 


MR.  VERDANT    GREEN    MEETS    WITH   THE    GREEN-EYED 
MONSTER. 


f 


ENTION  had  fre- 
quently been  made 
by  the  members  of 
the  Honeywood  fam- 
ily, but  more  espe- 
cially by  Miss  Patty, 
of  a  cousin  —  a  male 
cousin  —  to  whom 
they  all  seemed  to  be 
exceedingly  partial 
—  far  more  partial,  as  Mr.  Verdant  Green  thought,  with 
regard  to  Miss  Patty,  than  he  would  have  wished  her  to 
have  been.  This  cousin  was  Mr.  Frank  Delaval,  a 
son  of  their  father's  sister.  According  to  their  descrip- 
tion, he  possessed  good  looks,  and  an  equivalently  good 
fortune,  with  all  sorts  of  accomplishments,  both  useful 
and  ornamental  ;  and  was,  in  short  (in  their  eyes 
at  least),  a  very  admirable  Crichton  of  the  nineteenth 
century. 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  had  heard  from  Miss  Patty  so 
much  of  her  cousin  Frank,  and  of  the  pleasure  they 
were  anticipating  from  a  visit  he  had  promised  shortly 


390       THE   ADVENTURES   OF   MR.  VERDANT   GREEN. 

to  make  to  them,  that  he  had  at  length  begun  to  sus- 
pect that  the  young  lady's  maiden  meditations  were  not 
altogether  "  fancy  free,"  and  that  her  thoughts  dwelt 
upon  this  handsome  cousin  far  more  than  was  palatable 
to  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  feelings.  In  the  most  unreason- 
able manner,  therefore,  he  conceived  a  violent  antipathy 
to  Mr.  Frank  Delaval,  even  before  he  had  set  eyes  upon 
him,  and  considered  that  the  Honeywood  family  had, 
one  and  all,  greatly  overrated  him.  But  these  supposi- 
tions and  suspicions  made  him  doubly  anxious  to  come 
to  an  understanding  with  Miss  Patty  before  the  arrival 
of  the  dreaded  Adonis ;  and  it  was  this  thought  that 
had  helped  to  nerve  him  through  the  terrors  of  the 
orchard  scene,  and  which,  but  for  Mr.  Bouncer's  mal- 
apropos intrusion,  would  have  brought  things  to  a 
crisis. 

However,  after  he  had  had  a  talk  with  Mr.  Bouncer, 
and  had  been  fortified  by  that  little  gentleman's  pithy 
admonitions  to  "  go  in  and  win,"  and  to  "  strike  while 
the  iron 's  hot,"  and  that  "  faint  heart  never  won  a  nice 
young  'ooman,"  he  determined  to  seek  out  Miss  Patty 
at  once,  and  bring  to  an  end  their  unfinished  conversa- 
tion. For  this  purpose  he  returned  to  the  hall,  where 
he  found  a  great  commotion,  and  a  carriage  at  the  door; 
and  out  of  the  carriage  jumped  a  handsome  young  man, 
with  a  black  moustache,  who  ran  up  to  the  open  hall- 
door  (where  Miss  Patty  was  standing  with  her  sister), 
seized  Miss  Kitty  by  the  hand,  and  placed  his  mous- 
tache under  her  nose,  and  then  seized  Miss  Patty  by 
her  hand,  and  removed  the  moustache  to  beneath  her 
nose !  And  all  this  unblushingly  and  as  a  matter  of 
course,  out  in  the  sunshine,  and  before  the  servants! 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  retreated  without  having  been  seen, 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   391 

and,  plunging  into  the  shrubbery,  told  his  woes  to  the 
evergreens,  and  while  he  listened  to 

"  The  dry-tongued  laurel's  pattering  talk," 

he  thought,  "  It  is  as  I  feared  !  I  am  nothing  more  to 
her  than  a  simple  friend."  Though,  why  he  so  morosely 
arrived  at  this  idea  it  would  be  hard  to  say.  Perhaps 
other  jealous  lovers  have  been  similarly  unreason- 
able and  unreasoning  in  their  conclusions,  and,  of  their 
own  accord,  run  to  the  dark  side  of  the  cloud,  when 
they  might  have  pleasantly  remained  within  its  silver 
lining. 

But  when  Frank  Delaval  had  been  seen,  and  heard, 
and  made  acquaintance  with,  Verdant,  who  was  much 
too  simple-hearted  to  dislike  any  one  without  just 
grounds  for  so  doing,  entered  (even  after  half  an  hour's 
knowledge)  into  the  band  of  his  admirers;  and  that 
same  evening,  in  the  drawing-room,  while  Miss  Kitty 
was  playing  one  of  SchulhoflTs  mazurkas,  with  her 
moustached  cousin  standing  by  her  side,  and  turning 
over  the  music-leaves,  Verdant  privately  declared,  over 
a  chess-board,  to  Miss  Patty,  that  Mr.  Frank  Delaval 
was  the  handsomest  and  most  delightful  man  he  had 
ever  met.  And  when  Miss  Patty's  eyes  sparkled  at  this 
proof  of  his  truth  and  disinterestedness,  Verdant  mis- 
took the  bright  signals;  and  further  misconstruing  the 
cause  why  (as  they  continued  to  speak  of  her  cousin) 
she  made  a  most  egregious  blunder,  that  caused  her 
opponent  to  pronounce  the  word  "  Mated  !  "  he  regarded 
it  as  a  fatal  omen,  more  especially  as  Mr.  Frank  came  to 
her  side  at  that  very  moment;  and  when  the  young 
lady  laughed,  and  said,  "  What  a  goose  I  am !  whatever 
could  I  have  been  thinking  of?"  he  thought  within  him- 


392 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 


self  (persisting  in  his  illogical  and  perverse  conclusions), 
"  It  is  very  plain  what  she  is  thinking  about !  I  was 
afraid  that  she  loved  him,  and  now  I  know  it."  So  he 
put  up  the  chess-men,  while  she  went  to  the  piano  with 
her  cousin;  and  he  even  wished  that  Mr.  Bouncer  had 
interrupted  their  apple-tree  conversation  at  its  com- 


mencement; but  was  thankful  to  him  for  coming  in 
time  to  save  him  from  the  pain  of  being  rejected  in 
favour  of  another.  Then,  in  five  minutes,  he  changed 
his  mind,  and  had  decided  that  it  would  have  spared 
him  much  miseiy  if  he  could  have  heard  his  fate  from 
his  Patty's  own  lips.  Then  he  wished  that  he  had 
never  come  to  Northumberland  at  all,  and  began  to 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.  393 

think  how  he  should  spend  his  time  in  the  purgatory 
that  Honeywood  Hall  would  now  be  to  him. 

When  they  separated  for  the  night,  HE  again  placed 
his  moustache  beneath  HER  nose.  Mr.  Verdant  Green 
turned  away  his  head  at  such  a  sickly  exhibition.  It  was 
a  presumption  upon  cousinship.  Charles  Larkyns  did 
not  kiss  her ;  and  he  was  equally  as  much  her  cousin  as 
Frank  Delaval. 

And  yet,  when  the  young  men  went  into  the  back 
kitchen  for  a  pipe  and  a  chat  before  going  to  bed, 
Verdant  was  so  delighted  with  that  handsome  cousin 
Frank,  that  he  thought,  "  If  I  was  a  girl,  I  should  think 
as  she  does." 

"  And  why  should  she  not  love  him  ?  "  meditated  the 
poor  fellow,  when  he  was  lying  awake  in  his  bed  that 
self-same  night,  rendered  sleepless  by  the  pain  of  his 
new  wound  ;  "  why  should  she  not  love  him?  how  could 
she  do  otherwise?  thrown  together  as  they  have  been 
from  children  —  speaking  to  each  other  as  '  Patty '  and 
'  Fred  '  — kissing  each  other  —  and  being  as  brother  and 
sister.  Would  that  they  were  so  !  How  he  kept  near 
her  all  the  evening  —  coming  to  her  even  when  she  was 
playing  chess  with  me,  then  singing  with  her,  and  play- 
ing her  accompaniments.  She  said  that  no  one  could 
play  her  accompaniments  like  he  could  —  he  had  such 
good  taste,  and  such  a  firm,  delicate  touch.  Then,  when 
they  talked  about  sketching,  she  said  how  she  had 
missed  him,  and  that  she  had  been  reserving  the  view 
from  Brankham  Law,  in  order  that  they  might  sketch 
it  together.  Then  he  showed  her  his  last  drawings  — 
and  they  were  beautiful.  What  can  I  do  against  this?  " 
groaned  poor  Verdant,  from  under  the  bed-clothes; 
"  he  has  accomplishments,  and  I  have  none ;  he  has 


394  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

good  looks,  and  I  haven't;  he  has  a  moustache  and  a 
pair  of  whiskers,  —  and  I  have  only  a  pair  of  spectacles  ! 
I  cannot  shine  in  society,  and  win  admiration,  like  he 
does ;  I  have  nothing  to  offer  her  but  my  love.  Lucky 
fellow !  he  is  worthier  of  her  than  I  am  —  and  I  hope 
they  will  be  very  happy."  At  which  thought,  Ver- 
dant felt  highly  the  reverse,  and  went  off  into  dismal 
dreams. 

In  the  morning,  when  Miss  Patty  and  her  cousin  were 
setting  out  for  the  hill  called  Brankham  Law,  Verdant, 
who  had  retreated  to  a  garden-seat  beneath  a  fine  old 
cedar,  was  roused  from  a  very  abstracted  perusal  of 
"  The  Dream  of  Fair  Women,"  by  the  apparition  of  one 
who,  in  his  eyes,  was  fairer  than  them  all. 

"  I  have  been  searching  for  you  everywhere,"  said  Miss 
Patty.  "  Mamma  said  that  you  were  not  riding  with  the 
others,  so  I  knew  that  you  must  be  somewhere  about. 
I  think  I  shall  lock  up  my  '  Tennyson,'  if  it  takes  you  so 
much  out  of  our  society.  Won't  you  come  up  Brank- 
ham Law  with  Frank  and  me?" 

"Willingly  if  you  wish  it,"  answered  Verdant,  though 
with  an  unwilling  air;  "but  of  what  use  can  I  be? 
Othello's  occupation  is  gone.  Your  cousin  can  fill  my 
place  much  better  than  if  I  were  there." 

"  How  very  ungrateful  you  are  !  "  said  Miss  Patty ;  "  you 
really  deserve  a  good  scolding!  I  allow  you  to  watch 
me  when  I  am  painting,  in  order  that  you  may  gain  a 
lesson,  and  just  when  you  are  beginning  to  learn  some- 
thing, then  you  give  up.  But,  at  any  rate,  take  Fred  for 
your  master,  and  come  and  watch  him  ;  he  can  draw. 
If  you  were  to  go  to  any  of  the  great  men  to  have  a 
lesson  of  them,  all  that  they  would  do  would  be  to  paint 
before  you,  and  leave  you  to  look  on  and  pick  up  what 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   395 

knowledge  you  could.  I  know  that  /  cannot  draw  any 
thing  worth  looking  at,  —  " 

" Indeed,  but "  — 

"  But  Fred,"  continued  Miss  Patty,  who  was  going  at 
too  great  a  pace  to  be  stopped,  "  but  Fred  is  as  good 
as  many  masters  that  you  would  meet  with;  so  it 
will  be  an  advantage  to  you  to  come  and  look  over 
him." 

"  I  think  I  should  prefer  to  look  over  you." 

"  Now  you  are  paying  compliments,  and  I  don't  like 
them.  But,  if  you  will  come,  you  will  really  be  useful. 
You  see  I  am  mercenary  in  my  wishes,  after  all.  Here 
is  Fred  with  a  load  of  sketching  materials ;  won't  you 
take  pity  on  him,  and  relieve  him  of  my  share  of  his 
burden?" 

If  I  could  take  you  off  his  hands,  thought  Verdant,  I 
should  be  better  pleased.  But  Miss  Patty  won  the  day; 
and  Verdant  took  possession  of  her  sketching-block 
and  drawing  materials,  and  set  off  with  them  to 
Brankham  Law. 

Frederick  Delaval  was  a  yachtsman,  and  owner  of  the 
"  Fleur-de-lys,"  a  cutter  yacht,  of  fifty  tons.  Besides  being 
inclined  to  amateur  nautical  pursuits,  he  was  also  partial 
to  an  amateur  nautical  costume;  and  he  further  dressed 
the  character  of  a  yachtsman  by  slinging  round  him  his 
telescope,  which  was  protected  from  storms  and  salt 
water  by  a  leathern  case.  This  telescope  was,  in  a 
moment,  uncased  and  brought  to  bear  upon  every 
body  and  every  thing,  at  every  opportunity,  in  proper 
nautical  fashion,  being  used  by  him  for  distant  objects 
as  other  people  would  use  an  eyeglass  for  nearer  things. 
And  no  sooner  had  they  arrived  at  the  grassy  plateau 
that  marked  the  summit  of  Brankham  Law,  than  the 


396  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

telescope  was  unslung,  and  its  proprietor  swept  the 
horizon  —  for  there  was  a  distant  view  of  the  ocean  — 
in  search  of  the  "  Fleur-de-lys." 

"  I  am  afraid,"  he  said,  "  that  we  shall  not  be  able  to 
make  her  out;  the  distance  is  almost  too  great  to  dis- 
tinguish her  from  other  vessels,  although  the  whiteness 
of  her  sails  would  assist  us  to  a  recognition.  If  the 
skipper  got  under  way  at  the  hour  I  told  him,  he  ought 
about  this  time  to  be  rounding  the  headland  that  you 
see  stretching  out  yonder." 

"  I  think  I  see  a  white  sail  in  that  direction,"  said 
Miss  Patty,  as  she  shaded  her  eyes  with  her  hand,  and 
looked  out  earnestly  in  the  required  quarter. 

"  My  dear  Patty,"  laughed  her  cousin,  "  if  you  knew 
any  thing  of  nautical  matters,  you  would  see  that  it  was 
not  a  cutter  yacht,  for  she  has  more  than  one  mast ; 
though,  certainly,  as  you  saw  her,  she  seemed  to  have 
but  one,  for  she  was  just  coming  about,  and  was  in 
stays." 

"In  stays!"  exclaimed  Miss  Patty;  "why  what 
singular  expressions  you  sailors  have !  " 

"  Oh  yes  !  "  said  Frederick  Delaval,  "  and  some  vessels 
have  waists  —  like  young  ladies.  But  now  I  think  I  see 
the  'Fleur-de-lys  ! '  that  gaff  tops'l  yard  was  never  carried 
by  a  coasting  vessel.  To  be  sure  it  is !  the  skipper 
knows  how  to  handle  her;  and,  if  the  breeze  holds,  she 
will  soon  reach  her  port.  Come  and  have  a  look  at 
her,  Patty,  while  I  rest  the  glass  for  you."  So  he 
balanced  it  on  his  shoulder,  while  Miss  Patty  looked 
through  it  with  her  one  eye,  and  placed  her  fingers 
upon  the  other  —  after  the  manner  of  young  ladies  when 
they  look  through  a  telescope ;  and  then  burst  into 
such  animated,  but  not  thoughtful  observations,  as"  Oh  ! 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   397 

I  can  see  it  quite  plainly.  Oh  !  it  is  rolling  about  so  ! 
Oh !  there  are  two  little  men  in  it !  Oh !  one  of  them  's 
pulling  a  rope!  Oh!  it  all  seems  to  be  brought  so 
near !  "  as  if  there  had  been  some  doubt  on  the  matter, 


and  she  had  expected  the  telescope  to  make  things 
invisible.  Miss  Patty  was  quite  in  childish  delight  at 
watching  the  "  Fleur-de-lys' "  movements,  and  seemed 
to  forget  all  about  the  proposed  sketch,  although 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  had  found  her  a  comfortable  rock 


398   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

seat,  and  had  placed   her  drawing  materials  ready  for 
use. 

"  How  happy  and  confiding  they  are !  "  he  thought, 
as  he  gazed  upon  them  thus  standing  together;  "they 
seem  to  be  made  for  each  other.  He  is  far  more  fitted 
for  her  than  I  am.  I  wonder  if  I  shall  ever  see  them 
after  they  are  —  married.  /  shall  never  be  married." 
And,  after  this  morbid  fashion,  the  young  gentleman 
took  a  melancholy  pleasure  in  arranging  his  future. 

It  was  about  this  time  that  the  divine  afflatus  —  which 
had  lain  almost  dormant  since  his  boyish  "  Address  to 
the  Moon"  —  was  again  manifested  in  him  by  the  pro- 
duction of  numberless  poetical  effusions,  in  which  his 
own  poignant  anguish  and  Miss  Patty's  incomparable 
attractions  were  brought  forward  in  verses  of  various 
degrees  of  mediocrity.  They  were  also  equally  varied 
in  their  style  and  treatment;  one  being  written  in  a 
fierce  and  gloomy  Byronic  strain,  while  another  followed 
the  lighter  childish  style  of  Wordsworth.  To  this  latter 
class,  perhaps,  belonged  the  following  lines,  which, 
having  accidentally  fallen  into  the  hands  of  Mr.  Bouncer, 
were  pronounced  by  him  to  be  "  no  end  good  !  first-rate 
fun !  "  for  the  little  gentleman  put  a  highly  erroneous 
construction  upon  them,  and,  to  the  great  laceration  of 
the  author's  feelings,  imagined  them  to  be  altogether  of 
a  comic  tendency.  But,  when  Mr.  Verdant  Green  wrote 
them,  he  probably  thought  that  "deep  meaning  lieth 
oft  in  childish  play :  "  — 

"  Pretty  Patty  Honeywood, 

Fresh,  and  fair,  and  plump, 
Into  your  affections 
I  should  like  to  jump ! 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   399 

Into  your  good  graces 

I  should  like  to  steal ; 
That  you  lov'd  me  truly 

I  should  like  to  feel. 

**  Pretty  Patty  Honeywood, 

You  can  little  know, 
How  my  sea  of  passion 

Unto  you  doth  flow ; 
How  it  ever  hastens, 

With  a  swelling  tide, 
To  its  strand  of  happiness 

At  thy  darling  side. 

"  Pretty  Patty  Honeywood, 

Would  that  you  and  I 
Could  ask  the  surpliced  parson 

Our  wedding  knot  to  tie  ! 
Oh  !  my  life  of  sunshine 

Then  would  be  begun, 
Pretty  Patty  Honeywood, 

When  you  and  I  were  one." 

But  by  far  his  greatest  poetical  achievement  was  his 
"  Legend  of  the  Fair  Margaret,"  written  in  Spenserian 
metre,  and  commenced  at  this  period  of  his  career, 
though  never  completed.  The  plot  was  of  the  most 
dismal  and  intricate  kind.  The  Fair  Margaret  was 
beloved  by  two  young  men,  one  of  whom  (Sir  Frederico) 
was  dark,  and  (necessarily,  therefore)  as  badly  disposed 
a  young  man  as  you  would  desire  to  keep  out  of  your 
family  circle,  and  the  other  (Sir  Verdour)  was  light, 
and  (consequently)  as  mild  and  amiable  as  any  given 
number  of  maiden  aunts  could  wish.  As  a  matter  of 
course,  therefore,  the  Fair  Margaret  perversely  pre- 
ferred the  dark  Sir  Frederico,  who  had  poisoned  her 
26 


4OO    THE   ADVENTURES   OF   MR    VERDANT  GREEN. 

ears,  and  told  her  the  most  abominable  falsehoods  about 
the  good  and  innocent  Sir  Verdour;  when  just  as  Sir 
Frederico  was  about  to  forcibly  carry  away  the  Fair 
Margaret  — 

Why,  just  then,  circumstances  over  which  Mr.  Ver- 
dant Green  had  no  control,  prevented  the  denouement, 
and  the  completion  of  "  the  Legend." 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   4OI 


CHAPTER  VI. 

MR.    VERDANT    GREEN   JOINS    A   NORTHUMBERLAND 
PIC-NIC. 

kOME  weeks  had  passed  away 
very  pleasantly  to  all  — 
pleasantly  even  to  Mr.  Ver- 
dant Green;  for,  although 
he  had  not  renewed  his  ap- 
ple-tree conversation  with 
Miss  Patty,  and  was  making 
progress  with  his  "Legend 
of  the  Fair  Margaret,"  yet 
—  it  may  possibly  have  been 
that  the  exertion  to  make 
"  dove  "  rhyme  with  "  love," 
and  "  gloom  "  with  "  doom," 
occupied  his  mind  to  the 

exclusion  of  needless  sorrow  —  he  contrived  to  make 
himself  mournfully  amiable,  even  if  not  tolerably  happy, 
in  the  society  of  the  fair  enchantress. 

The  Honeywood  party  were  indeed  a  model  house- 
hold ;  and  rode,  and  drove,  and  walked,  and  fished,  and 
sketched,  as  a  large  family  of  brothers  and  sisters  might 
do  —  perhaps  with  a  little  more  piquancy  than  is  gener- 
ally found  in  the  home-made  dish. 


4O2   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

They  had  had  more  than  one  little  friendly  pic-nic 
and  excursion,  and  had  seen  Warkworth,  and  grown 
excessively  sentimental  in  its  hermitage ;  they  had  lion- 
ised Alnwick,  and  gone  over  its  noble  castle,  and  sat  in 
Hotspur's  chair,  and  fallen  into  raptures  at  the  Duchess's 
bijou  of  a  dairy,  and  viewed  the  pillared  passant  lion, 
with  his  tail  blowing  straight  out  (owing,  probably,  to 
the  breezy  nature  of  his  position),  and  seen  the  Duke's 
herd  of  buffaloes  tearing  along  their  park  with  stream- 
ing manes ;  and  they  had  gone  back  to  Honeywood 
Hall,  and  received  Honeywood  guests,  and  been  enter- 
tained by  them  in  return. 

But  the  squire  was  now  about  to  give  a  pic-nic  on  a 
large  scale ;  and  as  it  was  important,  not  only  in  its 
dimensions  and  preparations,  but  also  in  bringing  about 
an  occurrence  that  in  no  small  degree  affected  Mr.  Ver- 
dant Green's  future  life,  it  becomes  his  historian's  duty 
to  chronicle  the  event  with  the  fulness  that  it  merits. 
The  pic-nic,  moreover,  deserves  mention  because  it  pos- 
sessed an  individuality  of  character,  and  was  unlike  the 
ordinary  solemnities  attending  the  pic-nics  of  every- 
day life. 

In  the  first  place,  the  party  had  to  reach  the  appointed 
spot  —  which  was  Chillingham  —  in  an  unusual  manner. 
At  least  half  of  the  road  that  had  to  be  traversed  was 
impassable  for  carriages.  Bridgeless  brooks  had  to  be 
crossed ;  and  what  were  called  "  roads  "  were  little  bet- 
ter than  the  beds  of  mountain  torrents,  and  in  wet 
weather  might  have  been  taken  for  such.  Deep  chan- 
nels were  worn  in  them  by  the  rush  of  impetuous 
streams,  and  no  known  carriage-springs  could  have 
lived  out  such  ruts.  Carriages,  therefore,  in  this  part  of 
the  country,  were  out  of  the  question.  The  squire  did 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.  403 

what  was  usual  on  such  occasions :  he  appointed,  as  a 
rendezvous,  a  certain  little  inn  at  the  extremity  of  the 
carriageable  part  of  the  road,  and  there  all  the  party 
met,  and  left  their  chariots  and  horses.  They  then  — 
after  a  little  preparatory  pic-nic,  for  many  of  them  had 
come  from  long  distances —  took  possession  of  certain 
wagons  that  were  in  waiting  for  them. 

These  wagons,  though  apparently  of  light  build,  were 
constructed  for  the  country,  and  were  capable  of  sus- 
taining the  severe  test  of  the  rough  roads.  Within 
them  were  lashed  hay-sacks,  which,  when  covered  with 
railway  rugs,  formed  sufficiently  comfortable  seats,  on 
which  the  divisions  of  the  party  sat  vis-d-vis,  like  omni- 
bus travellers.  Frederick  Delaval  and  a  few  others,  on 
horses  and  ponies,  as  outriders,  accompanied  the  wagon 
procession,  which  was  by  no  means  deficient  in  mate- 
rials for  the  picturesque.  The  teams  of  horses  were 
turned  out  to  their  best  advantage,  and  decorated  with 
flowers.  The  fore  horse  of  each  team  bore  his  collar  of 
little  brass  bells,  which  clashed  out  a  wild  music  as  they 
moved  along.  The  ruddy-faced  wagoners  were  in  their 
shirt-sleeves,  which  were  tied  round  with  ribbons;  they 
had  gay  ribbons  also  on  their  hats  and  whips,  and  did 
not  lack  bouquets  and  flowers  for  the  further  adornment 
of  their  persons.  Altogether  they  were  most  theatrical- 
looking  fellows,  and  appeared  perfectly  prepared  to  take 
their  places  in  the  "  Sonnambula,"  or  any  other  opera 
in  which  decorated  rustics  have  to  appear  and  unani- 
mously shout  their  joy  and  grief  at  the  nightly  rate  of 
two  shillings  per  head.  The  light  summer  dresses  of 
the  ladies  helped  to  make  an  agreeable  variety  of  colour, 
as  the  wagons  moved  slowly  along  the  dark  heathery 
hills,  now  by  the  side  of  a  brawling  brook,  and  now  by 
a  rugged  road. 


404 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 


The  joltings  of  these  same  roads  were,  as  little  Mr. 
Bouncer  feelingly  remarked,  facts  that  must  be  felt  to 
be  believed.  For,  when  the  wheel  of  any  vehicle  is 
suddenly  plunged  into  a  rut  or  hole  of  a  foot's  depth, 
and  from  thence  violently  extracted  with  a  jerk,  plunge, 
and  wrench,  to  be  again  dropped  into  another  hole  or 
rut,  and  withdrawn  from  thence  in  a  like  manner,  —  and 


when  this  process  is  being  simultaneously  repeated,  with 
discordant  variations,  by  other  three  wheels  attached  to 
the  self-same  vehicle,  it  will  follow,  as  a  matter  of 
course,  that  the  result  of  this  experiment  will  be  the 
violent  agitation  and  commingling  of  the  movable  con- 
tents of  the  said  vehicle  ;  and,  when  these  contents 
chance  to  take  the  semblance  of  humanity,  it  may 
readily  be  imagined  what  must  have  been  the  scene  pre- 
sented to  the  view  as  the  pic-nic  wagons,  with  their 
human  freight,  laboured  through  the  mountain  roads 
that  led  towards  Chillingham.  But  all  this  only  gave  a 
zest  to  the  day's  enjoyment;  and,  if  Miss  Patty  Honey- 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.  405 

wood  was  unable  to  maintain  her  seat  without  assistance 
from  her  neighbour,  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  it  is  not  at  all 
improbable  but  that  she  approved  of  his  kind  attention, 
and  that  the  other  young  ladies  who  were  simi- 
larly situated  accepted  similar  attentions  with  similar 
gratitude. 

In  this  way  they  literally  jogged  along  to  Chillingham, 
where  they  alighted  from  their  novel  carriages  and  four, 
and  then  leisurely  made  their  way  to  the  castle.  When 
they  had  sufficiently  lionised  it,  and  had  strolled  through 
the  gardens,  they  went  to  have  a  look  at  the  famous 
wild  cattle.  Our  Warwickshire  friends  had  frequently 
had  a  distant  view  of  them ;  for  the  cattle  kept  together 
in  a  herd,  and  as  their  park  was  on  the  slope  of  a  dark 
hill,  they  were  visible  from  afar  off  as  a  moving  white 
patch  on  the  landscape.  On  the  present  occasion  they 
found  that  the  cattle,  which  numbered  their  full  herd  of 
about  a  hundred  strong,  were  quietly  grazing  on  the 
border  of  their  pine  wood,  where  a  few  of  their  fellow- 
tenants,  the  original  red-deer,  were  lifting  their  enormous 
antlers.  From  their  position  the  pic-nic  party  were 
unable  to  obtain  a  very  near  view  of  them;  but  the 
curiosity  of  the  young  ladies  was  strongly  excited,  and 
would  not  be  allayed  without  a  closer  acquaintance  with 
these  formidable  but  beautiful  creatures.  And  it  there- 
fore happened  that,  when  the  courageous  Miss  Bouncer 
proposed  that  they  should  make  an  incursion  into  the 
very  territory  of  the  Wild  Cattle,  her  proposition  was 
not  only  seconded,  but  was  carried  almost  unanimously. 
It  was  in  vain  that  Mr.  Honeywood,  and  the  seniors  and 
chaperones  of  the  party,  reminded  the  younger  people 
of  the  grisly  head  they  had  just  seen  hanging  up  in  the 
lodge,  and  those  straight  sharp  horns  that  had  gored  to 


406   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERGANT  GREEN. 

death  the  brave  keeper  who  had  risked  his  own  life  to 
save  his  master's  friend ;  it  was  in  vain  that  Charles  Lar- 
kyns,  fearful  for  his  Mary's  sake,  quoted  the  "  Bride  of 
Lammermoor,"  and  urged  the  improbability  of  another 
Master  of  Ravenswood  starting  out  of  the  bushes  to  the 
rescue  of  a  second  Lucy  Ashton ;  it  was  in  vain  that 
anecdotes  were  told  of  the  fury  of  these  cattle,  —  how 
they  would  single  out  some  aged  or  wounded  companion, 
and  drive  him  out  of  the  herd  until  he  miserably  died, 
and  how  they  would  hide  themselves  for  days  within 
their  dark  pine-wood,  where  no  one  dare  attack 
them ;  it  was  in  vain  that  Mr.  Verdant  Green  reminded 
Miss  Patty  Honeywood  of  her  narrow  escape  from  Mr. 
Roarer,  and  warned  her  that  her  then  danger  was  now 
increased  a  hundredfold ;  all  in  vain,  for  Miss  Patty 
assured  him  that  the  cattle  were  as  peaceable  as  they 
were  beautiful,  and  that  they  only  attacked  people  in  self- 
defence  when  provoked  or  molested.  So,  as  the  young 
ladies  were  positively  bent  upon  having  a  nearer  view  of 
the  milk-white  herd,  the  greater  number  of  the  gentle- 
men were  obliged  to  accompany  them. 

It  was  no  easy  matter  to  get  into  the  Wild  Cattle's 
enclosure,  as  the  boundary  fence  was  of  unusual  height, 
and  the  difficulty  of  its  being  scaled  by  ladies  was  pro- 
portionately increased.  Nevertheless,  the  fence  and  the 
difficulty  were  alike  surmounted,  and  the  party  were 
safely  landed  within  the  park.  They  had  promised  to 
obey  Mr.  Honeywood's  advice,  and  to  abstain  from 
that  mill-stream  murmur  of  conversation  in  which  a 
party  of  young  ladies  usually  indulge,  and  to  walk 
quietly  among  the  trees,  across  an  angle  of  the  park, 
at  some  two  or  three  hundred  yards'  distance  from  the 
herd,  so  as  not  to  unnecessarily  attract  their  attention ; 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   407 

and  then  to  scale  the  fence  at  a  point  higher  up  the  hill. 
Following  this  advice,  they  walked  quietly  across  the 
mossy  grass,  keeping  behind  trees,  and  escaping  the 
notice  of  the  Cattle.  They  had  reached  midway  in 
their  proposed  path,  and,  with  silent  admiration,  were 
watching  the  movements  of  the  herd  as  they  placidly 
grazed  at  a  short  distance  from  them,  when  Miss 
Bouncer,  who  was  addicted  to  uncontrollable  fits  of 
laughter  at  improper  seasons,  was  so  tickled  at  some 
sotto  voce  remark  of  Frederick  Delaval's,  that  she  burst 
into  a  hearty  ringing  laugh,  which,  ere  she  could  smother 
its  noise  with  her  handkerchief,  had  startled  the  watch- 
ful ears  of  the  monarch  of  the  herd. 

The  Bull  raised  his  magnificent  head,  and  looked 
round  in  the  direction  from  whence  the  disturbance 
had  proceeded.  As  he  perceived  it,  he  sniffed  the  air, 
made  a  rapid  movement  with  his  pink-edged  ears,  and 
gave  an  ominous  bellow.  This  signal  awoke  the  atten- 
tion of  the  other  bulls,  their  wives,  and  children,  who 
simultaneously  left  off  grazing  and  commenced  gazing. 
The  bovine  monarch  gave  another  bellow,  stamped  upon 
the  ground,  lashed  his  tail,  advanced  about  twenty 
yards  in  a  threatening  manner,  and  then  paused,  and 
gazed  fixedly  upon  the  pic-nic  party  and  Miss  Bouncer, 
who  too  late  regretted  her  malapropos  laugh. 

"  For  heaven's  sake !  "  whispered  Mr.  Honeywood, 
"do  not  speak;  but  get  to  the  fence  as  quietly  and 
quickly  as  you  can." 

The  young  ladies  obeyed,  and  forbore  either  to 
scream  or  faint  —  for  the  present.  The  Bull  gave 
another  stamp  and  bellow,  and  made  a  second  advance. 
This  time  he  came  about  fifty  yards  before  he  paused, 
and  he  was  followed  at  a  short  distance,  and  at  a  walk- 


408   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

ing  pace,  by  the  rest  of  the  herd.  The  ladies  retreated 
quietly,  the  gentlemen  came  after  them,  but  the  park- 
fence  appeared  to  be  at  a  terribly  long  distance,  and  it 
was  evident  that  if  the  herd  made  a  sudden  rush  upon 
them,  nothing  could  save  them  —  unless  they  could 
climb  the  trees ;  but  this  did  not  seem  very  practicable. 
Mr.  Verdant  Green,  however,  caught  at  the  probability 
of  such  need,  and  anxiously  looked  round  for  the  most 
likely  tree  for  his  purpose. 

The  Bull  had  made  another  advance,  and  was  gaining 
upon  them.  It  seemed  curious  that  he  should  stand 
forth  as  the  champion  of  the  herd,  and  do  all  the  roar- 
ing and  stamping,  while  the  other  bulls  remained  mute, 
and  followed  with  the  rest  of  the  herd,  yet  so  it  was ; 
but  there  seemed  no  reason  to  disbelieve  the  unpleasant 
fact  that  the  monarch's  example  would  be  imitated  by 
his  subjects.  The  herd  had  now  drawn  so  near,  and  the 
young  ladies  had  made  such  a  comparatively  slow  retreat, 
that  they  were  yet  many  yards  distant  from  the  boundary 
fence,  and  it  was  quite  plain  that  they  could  not  reach 
it  before  the  advancing  milk-white  mass  would  be  hurled 
against  them.  Some  of  the  young  ladies  were  beginning 
to  feel  faint  and  hysterical,  and  their  alarm  was  more  or 
less  shared  by  all  the  party. 

It  was  now,  by  Charles  Larkyns's  advice,  that  the  more 
active  gentlemen  mounted  on  to  the  lower  branches  of 
the  wide-spreading  trees,  and,  aided  by  others  upon  the 
ground,  began  to  lift  up  the  ladies  to  places  of  security. 
But,  the  party  being  a  large  one,  this  caring  for  its  more 
valued  but  less  athletic  members  was  a  business  that 
could  not  be  transacted  without  the  expenditure  of  some 
little  time  and  trouble,  more,  as  it  seemed,  than  could 
now  be  bestowed;  for,  the  onward  movement  of  the 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.  409 

Chilli ngham  Cattle  was  more  rapid  than  the  correspond- 
ing upward  movement  of  the  Northumbrian  pic-nickers. 
And,  even  if  Charles  Larkyns's  plan  should  have  a 
favourable  issue,  it  did  not  seem  a  very  agreeable  pro- 
spect to  be  detained  up  in  a  tree,  with  a  century  of  bulls 
bellowing  beneath,  until  casual  assistance  should  arrive  ; 
and  yet,  what  was  this  state  of  affairs  when  compared  with 
the  terrors  of  that  impending  fate  from  which,  for 
some  of  them  at  least,  there  seemed  no  escape?  Mr. 
Verdant  Green  fully  realised  the  horrors  of  this  alter- 
native when  he  looked  at  Miss  Patty  Honeywood,  who 
had  not  yet  joined  those  ladies  who,  clinging  fearfully 
to  the  boughs,  and  crouching  among  the  branches 
like  roosting  guinea-fowls,  were  for  the  present  in 
comparative  safety,  and  out  of  the  reach  of  the 
Cattle. 

The  monarch  of  the  herd  had  now  come  within  forty 
yards  distance,  and  then  stopped,  lashing  his  tail  and 
bellowing  defiance,  as  he  appeared  to  be  preparing  for 
a  final  rush.  Behind  him,  in  a  dense  phalanx,  white 
and  terrible,  were  the  rest  of  the  herd.  Suddenly,  and 
before  the  Snowy  Bull  had  made  his  advance,  Frederick 
Delaval,  to  the  wondering  fear  of  all,  stepped  boldly 
forth  to  meet  him.  As  has  been  said,  he  was  one  of 
the  equestrians  of  the  party,  and  he  carried  a  heavy- 
handled  whip,  furnished  with  a  long  and  powerful  lash. 
He  wrapped  this  lash  round  his  hand,  and  walked 
resolutely  towards  the  Bull,  fixing  his  eyes  steadily 
upon  him.  The  Bull  chafed  angrily,  and  stamped 
upon  the  ground,  but  did  not  advance.  The  herd, 
also,  were  motionless;  but  their  dark,  lustrous  eyes 
were  centred  upon  Frederick  Delaval's  advancing 
figure.  The  members  of  the  pic-nic  party  were  also 


4IO   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

watching  him  with  intense  interest.  If  they  could,  they 
would  have  prevented  his  purpose ;  for  to  all  appear- 
ance he  was  about  to  lose  his  own  life  in  order  that  the 
rest  of  the  party  might  gain  time  to  reach  a  place  of 
safety.  The  very  expectation  of  this  prevented  many 
of  the  ladies  availing  themselves  of  the  opportunity 
thus  so  boldly  purchased,  and  they  stood  transfixed 
with  terror  and  astonishment,  breathlessly  awaiting 
the  result. 

They  watched  him  draw  near  the  wild  white  Bull,  who 
stood  there  yet,  foaming  and  stamping  up  the  turf,  but 
not  advancing.  His  huge  horned  head  was  held  erect, 
and  his  mane  bristled  up,  as  he  looked  upon  the  adver- 
sary who  thus  dared  to  brave  him.  He  suffered  Frederick 
Delaval  to  approach  him,  and  only  betrayed  a  conscious- 
ness of  his  presence  by  his  heavy  snorting,  angry  lashing 
of  the  tail,  and  quick  motion  of  his  bright  eye.  All  this 
time  the  young  man  had  looked  the  Bull  steadfastly  in 
the  front,  and  had  drawn  near  him  with  an  equal  and 
steady  step.  Suppressed  screams  broke  from  more  than 
one  witness  of  his  bravery,  when  he  at  length  stood 
within  a  step  of  his  huge  adversary.  He  gazed  fixedly 
into  the  Bull's  eyes,  and,  after  a  moment's  pause,  suddenly 
raised  his  riding-whip,  and  lashed  the  animal  heavily 
over  the  shoulders.  The  Bull  tossed  round,  and  roared 
with  fury.  The  whole  herd  became  agitated,  and  other 
bulls  trotted  up  to  support  their  monarch. 

Still  looking  him  steadfastly  in  the  eyes,  Frederick 
Delaval  again  raised  his  heavy  whip,  and  lashed  him 
more  severely  than  before.  The  Wild  Bull  butted  down, 
swerved  round,  and  dashed  out  with  his  heels.  As  he 
did  so,  Frederick  again  struck  him  heavily  with  the  whip, 
and,  at  the  same  time,  blew  a  piercing  signal  on  the 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   411 

boatswain's  whistle  that  he  usually  carried  with  him. 
The  sudden  shriek  of  the  whistle  appeared  to  put  the 
coup  de  grace  to  the  young  man's  bold  attack,  for  the 
animal  had  no  sooner  heard  it  than  he  tossed  up  his  head 
and  threw  forward  his  ears,  as  though  to  ask  from  whence 
the  novel  noise  proceeded.  Frederick  Delaval  again 
blew  a  piercing  shriek  on  the  whistle;  and  when  the 
Wild  Bull  heard  it,  and  once  more  felt  the  stinging  lash 
of  the  heavy  whip,  he  swerved  round,  and  with  a  bellow 
of  pain  and  fury  trotted  back  to  the  herd.  The  young 
man  blew  another  shrill  whistle,  and  cracked  the  long 
lash  of  his  whip  until  its  echoes  reverberated  like  so 
many  pistol-shots.  The  Wild  Bull's  trot  increased  to  a 
gallop,  and  he  and  the  whole  herd  of  the  Chillingham 
Cattle  dashed  rapidly  away  from  the  pic-nic  party,  and 
in  a  little  time  were  lost  to  view  in  the  recesses  of  their 
forest 

"  Thank  God !  "  said  Mr.  Honeywood ;  and  it  was 
echoed  in  the  hearts  of  all.  But  the  Squire's  emotion 
was  too  deep  for  words,  as  he  went  to  meet  Frederick 
Delaval,  and  pressed  him  by  the  hand. 

"  Get  the  women  outside  the  park  as  quickly  as  pos- 
sible," said  Frederick,  "  and  I  will  join  you." 

But  when  this  was  done,  and  Mr.  Honeywood  had 
returned  to  him,  he  found  him  lying  motionless  beneath 
the  tree. 


412  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 


CHAPTER  VII. 


MR.  VERDANT  GREEN  HAS  AN  INKLING  OF  THE 
FUTURE. 

MONG  other  things  that 
Mr.  Honeywood  had 
thoughtfully  provid- 
ed for  the  pic-nic 
was  a  flask  of  pale 
brandy,  which,  for 
its  better  preserva- 
tion, he  had  kept  in 
his  own  pocket. 
This  was  fortunate, 
as  it  enabled  the  Squire  to  make 
use  of  it  for  Frederick  Delaval's 
recovery.  He  had  fainted  :  his 
concentrated  courage  and  resolu- 
tion had  borne  him  bravely  up  to  a  certain  point,  and 
then  his  overtaxed  energies  had  given  way  when  the 
necessity  for  their  exertion  was  removed.  When  he  had 
come  to  himself,  he  appeared  to  be  particularly  thankful 
that  there  had  not  been  a  spectator  of  (what  he  deemed 
to  be)  his  unpardonable  foolishness  in  giving  way  to  a 
weakness  that  he  considered  should  be  indulged  in  by 
none  other  than  faint-hearted  women ;  and  he  earnestly 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   413 

begged  the  Squire  to  be  silent  on  this  little  episode  in 
the  day's  adventure. 

When  they  had  left  the  Wild  Cattle's  park,  and  had 
joined  the  rest  of  the  party,  Frederick  Delaval  received 
the  hearty  thanks  that  he  so  richly  deserved ;  and  this, 
with  such  an  exuberant  display  of  feminine  gratitude  as 
to  lead  Mr.  Bouncer  to  observe,  that,  if  Mr.  Delaval 
chose  to  take  a  mean  advantage  of  his  position,  he 
could  have  immediately  proposed  to  two-thirds  of  the 
ladies,  without  the  possibility  of  their  declining  his  offer: 
at  which  remark  Mr.  Verdant  Green  experienced  an 
uncomfortable  sensation,  as  he  thought  of  the  probable 
issue  of  events  if  Mr.  Delaval  should  partly  act  upon 
Mr.  Bouncer's  suggestion,  by  selecting  one  young  lady 
—  his  cousin  Patty  —  and  proposing  to  her.  This  re- 
flection became  strengthened  into  a  determination  to  set 
the  matter  at  rest,  decide  his  doubts,  and  put  an  end  to 
his  suspense,  by  taking  the  first  opportunity  to  renew 
with  Miss  Patty  that  most  interesting  apple-tree  conver- 
sation that  had  been  interrupted  by  Mr.  Bouncer  at  such 
a  critical  moment. 

The  pic-nic  party,  broken  up  into  couples  and  groups, 
slowly  made  their  way  up  the  hill  to  Ros  Castle — the 
doubly-intrenched  British  fort  on  the  summit  —  where 
the  dinner  was  to  take  place.  It  was  a  rugged  road, 
running  along  the  side  of  the  park,  bounded  by  rocky 
banks,  and  shaded  by  trees.  It  was  tenanted  as  usual 
by  a  Faw  gang,  —  a  band  of  gipsies,  whose  wild  and 
gay  attire,  with  their  accompaniments  of  tents,  carts, 
horses,  dogs,  and  fires,  added  picturesqueness  to  the 
scene.  With  the  characteristic  of  their  race  —  which 
appears  to  be  a  shrewd  mixture  of  mendicity  and  men- 
dacity—  they  at  once  abandoned  their  business  of 


414  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

tinkering  and  peg-making;  and,  resuming  their  other 
business  of  fortune-telling  and  begging,  they  judiciously 
distributed  themselves  among  the  various  divisions  of 
the  pic-nic  party. 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  was  strolling  up  the  hill  lost  in 
meditation,  and  so  inattentive  to  the  wiles  of  Miss 
Eleonora  Morkin,  and  her  sister  Letitia  Jane  (two 
fascinating  young  ladies  who  were  bent  upon  turning 
the  pic-nic  to  account),  that  they  had  left  him,  and  had 
forcibly  attached  themselves  to  Mr.  Poletiss  (a  soft 
young  gentleman  from  the  neighbourhood  of  Wooler), 
when  a  gipsy  woman,  with  a  baby  at  her  back  and  two 
children  at  her  heels,  singled  out  our  hero  as  a  not 
unlikely  victim,  and  began  at  once  to  tell  his  fate,  dis- 
pensing with  the  aid  of  stops  :  — 

"  May  the  heavens  rain  blessings  on  your  head  my 
pretty  gentleman  give  the  poor  gipsy  a  piece  of  silver 
to  buy  her  a  bit  for  the  bairns  and  I  can  read  by  the 
lines  in  your  face  my  pretty  gentleman  that  you  're  born 
to  ride  in  a  golden  coach  and  wear  buckles  of  diemints 
and  that  your  heart 's  opening  like  a  flower  to  help  the 
poor  gipsy  to  get  her  a  trifle  for  her  poor  famishing 
bairns  that  I  see  the  tears  of  pity  astanding  like  pearls 
in  your  eyes  my  pretty  gentleman  and  may  you  never 
know  the  want  of  the  shilling  that  I  see  you  're  going  to 
give  the  poor  gipsy  who  will  send  you  all  the  rich 
blessings  of  heaven  if  you  will  but  cross  her  hand  with 
the  bright  pieces  of  silver  that  are  not  half  so  bright  as 
the  sweet  eyes  of  the  lady  that 's  awaiting  and  athinking 
of  you  my  pretty  gentleman." 

This  unpunctuated  exhortation  of  the  dark-eyed 
prophetess  was  here  diverted  into  a  new  channel  by  the 
arrival  of  Miss  Patty  Honey  wood,  who  had  left  her 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 


415 


cousin  Frank,  and  had  brought  her  sketch-book  to  the 
spot  where  "the  pretty  gentleman"  and  the  fortune- 
teller were  standing. 

"  I  do  so  want  to  draw  a  real  gipsy,"  she  said.     "  I 
have  never  yet  sketched  one ;    and  this  is  a  good  oppor- 
tunity.    These  little  brownies   of  children,   with   their 
Italian  faces  and  hair, 
are    very    picturesque 
in  their  rags." 

"Oh!  do  draw 
them  !  "  said  Verdant 
enthusiastically,  as  he 
perceived  that  the  rest 
of  the  party  had  passed 
out  of  sight.  "  It  is  a 
capital  opportunity, 
and  I  dare  say  they  will 
have  no  objection  to 
be  sketched." 

"  May  the  heavens 
be  the  hardest  bed 
you  '11  ever  have  to  lie 
on  my  pretty  rosebud," 

said  the  unpunctuating  descendant  of  John  Faa,  as  she 
addressed  herself  to  Miss  Patty;  "  and  you  're  welcome 
to  take  the  poor  gipsy's  pictur  and  to  cross  her  hand 
with  the  shining  silver  while  she  reads  the  stars  and 
picks  you  out  a  prince  of  a  husband  and  twelve  pretty 

bairns    like  the  " 

"  No,  no  !  "  said  Miss  Patty,  checking  the  gipsy  in  her 

bounteous   promises.      "  I  '11   give   you    something   for 

letting  me  sketch  you,  but  I  won't   have  my  fortune 

told.     I  know  it  already;   at  least  as  much  as  I  care  to 

27 


416   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

know."  A  speech  which  Mr.  Verdant  Green  interpreted 
thus :  Frederick  Delaval  has  proposed,  and  has  been 
accepted. 

"  Pray  don't  let  me  keep  you  from  the  rest  of  the 
party,"  said  Miss  Patty  to  our  hero,  while  the  gipsy  shot 
out  fragments  of  persuasive  oratory.  "  I  can  get  on  very 
well  by  myself."  "  She  wants  to  get  rid  of  me,"  thought 
Verdant.  "  I  dare  say  her  cousin  is  coming  back  to  her." 
But  he  said,  "  At  any  rate  let  me  stay  until  Mr.  Delaval 
rejoins  you." 

"  Oh !  he  is  gone  on  with  the  rest,  like  a  polite  man. 
The  Miss  Maxwells  and  their  cousins  were  all  by 
themselves." 

"  But  you  are  all  by  yourself ;  and,  by  your  own 
showing,  I  ought  to  prove  my  politeness  by  staying 
with  you." 

"  I  suppose  that  is  Oxford  logic,"  said  Miss  Patty,  as 
she  went  on  with  her  sketch  of  the  two  gipsy  children. 
"  I  wish  these  small  persons  would  stand  quiet.  Put 
your  hands  on  your  stick,  my  boy,  and  not  before  your 
face.  —  But  there  are  the  Miss  Morkins,  with  one  gentle- 
man for  the  two;  and  I  dare  say  you  would  much  rather 
be  with  Miss  Eleonora.  Now,  wouldn't  you?"  and  the 
young  lady,  as  she  rapidly  sketched  the  figures  before 
her,  stole  a  sly  look  at  the  enamoured  gentleman  by 
her  side,  who  forthwith  protested,  in  an  excited  and 
confused  manner,  that  he  would  rather  stand  near  her 
for  one  minute  than  walk  and  talk  for  a  whole  day  with 
the  Miss  Morkins;  and  then,  having  made  this  (for 
him)  unusually  strong  avowal,  he  timidly  blushed,  and 
retired  within  himself. 

"  Oh  yes !  I  dare  say,"  said  Miss  Patty ;  "  but  I  don't 
believe  in  compliments.  If  you  choose  to  victimise 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   417 

yourself  by  staying  here,  of  course  you  can  do  so.  — 
Look  at  me,  little  girl ;  you  need  n't  be  frightened ;  I 
shan't  eat  you.  —  And  perhaps  you  can  be  useful.  I 
want  some  water  to  wash-in  these  figures ;  and  if  they 
were  literally  washed  in  it,  it  would  be  very  much  to 
their  advantage,  wouldn't  it?" 

Of  course  it  would;  and  of  course  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  was  delighted  to  obey  the  command.  "  What 
spirits  she  is  in !  "  he  thought,  as  he  dipped  the  little 
can  of  water  into  the  spring.  "  I  dare  say  it  is  because 
she  and  her  cousin  Frederick  have  come  to  an 
understanding." 

"  If  you  are  anxious  to  hear  a  fortune  told,"  said  Miss 
Patty,  "  here  is  the  old  gipsy  coming  back  to  us,  and 
you  had  better  let  her  tell  yours." 

"  I  am  afraid  that  I  know  it." 

"  And  do  you  like  the  prospect  of  it?" 

"  Not  at  all !  "  and  as  he  said  this  Mr.  Verdant 
Green's  countenance  fell.  Singularly  enough,  a  shade 
of  sadness  also  stole  over  Miss  Patty's  sunny  face. 
What  could  he  mean? 

A  somewhat  disagreeable  silence  was  broken  by  the 
gipsy  most  volubly  echoing  Miss  Patty's  request. 

"  You  had  better  let  her  tell  you  your  fortune,"  said 
the  young  lady;  "perhaps  it  maybe  an  improvement 
on  what  you  expected.  And  I  shall  be  able  to  make  a 
better  sketch  of  her  in  her  true  character  of  a  fortune- 
teller." 

Then,  like  as  Martivalle  inspected  Quentin  Durward's 
palm,  according  to  the  form  of  the  mystic  arts  which  he 
practised,  so  the  swarthy  prophetess  opened  her  Book 
of  Fate,  and  favoured  Mr.  Verdant  Green  with  choice 
extracts  from  its  contents.  First,  she  told  the  pretty 


418   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 


gentleman  a  long  rigmarole  about  the  stars,  and  a  planet 
that  ought  to  have  shone  upon  him,  but  did  n't.  Then 
she  discoursed  of  a  beautiful  young  lady,  with  a  heart 
as  full  of  love  as  a  pomegranate  was  full  of  seeds,  — 
painting,  in  pretty  exact  colours,  a  lively  portraiture  of 
Miss  Patty,  which  was  no  very  difficult  task,  while  the 

fair  original  was  close 
at  hand  ;  nevertheless, 
the  infatuated  pretty 
gentleman  was  deeply 
impressed  with  the 
gipsy  narrative,  and 
began  to  think  that  the 
practice  and  knowl- 
edge of  the  occult  sci- 
ences may,  after  all, 
have  been  handed 
down  to  the  modern 
representatives  of  the 
ancient  Egyptians. 
He  was  still  further 
impressed  with  this  be- 
lief when  the  gipsy 
proceeded  to  tell  him  that  he  was  passionately  attached 
to  the  pomegranafe-hearted  young  lady,  but  that  his 
path  of  true  love  was  crossed  by  a  rival  —  a  dark  man. 

Frederick  Delaval  !  This  is  really  most  extraordi- 
nary !  thought  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  who  was  not  familiar 
with  a  fortune-teller's  stock  in  trade  ;  and  he  waited 
with  some  anxiety  for  the  further  unravelling  of  his 
fate. 

The  cunning  gipsy  saw  this,  and  broadly  hinted  that 
another  piece  of  silver  placed  upon  the  junction  of  two 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.  419 

cross  lines  in  the  pretty  gentleman's  right  palm  would 
materially  propitiate  the  stars,  and  assist  in  the  happy 
solution  of  his  fortune.  When  the  hint  had  been  taken 
she  pursued  her  romantic  narrative.  Her  elaborate  but 
discursive  summing-up  comprehended  the  triumph  of 
Mr.  Verdant  Green,  the  defeat  of  the  dark  man,  the 
marriage  of  the  former  to  the  pomegranate-hearted 
young  lady,  a  yellow  carriage  and  four  white  horses 
with  long  tails,  and,  last  but  certainly  not  least,  a  family 
of  twelve  children :  at  which  childish  termination  Miss 
Patty  laughed,  and  asked  our  hero  if  that  was  the 
fate  that  he  had  dreaded? 

Her  sketch  being  concluded,  she  remunerated  her 
models  so  munificently  as  to  draw  down  upon  her  head 
a  rapid  series  of  the  most  wordy  and  incoherent  bless- 
ings she  had  ever  heard,  under  cover  of  which  she 
effected  her  escape,  and  proceeded  with  her  companion 
to  rejoin  the  others.  They  were  not  very  far  in  advance. 
The  gipsies  had  beset  them  at  divers  points  in  their 
progress,  and  had  made  no  small  number  of  them  yield 
to  their  importunities  to  cross  their  hands  with  silver. 
When  the  various  members  of  the  pic-nic  party  after- 
wards came  to  compare  notes  as  to  the  fortunes  that  had 
been  told  them,  it  was  discovered  that  a  remarkable 
similarity  pervaded  the  fates  of  all,  tnough  their  destinies 
were  greatly  influenced  by  the  amount  expended  in 
crossing  the  hand ;  and  it  was  observable  that  the 
number  of  children  promised  to  bless  the  nuptial  tie  was 
also  regulated  by  a  sliding-scale  of  payment — the 
largest  payers  being  rewarded  with  the  assurance  of 
the  largest  families.  It  was  also  discovered  that  the 
description  of  the  favoured  lover  was  invariably  the 
verbal  delineation  of  the  lady  or  gentleman  who  chanced 


420   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

to  be  at  that  time  walking  with  the  person  whose 
fortune  was  being  told  —  a  prophetic  discrimination 
worthy  of  all  praise,  since  it  had  the  pretty  good 
security  of  being  correct  in  more  than  one  case,  and  in 
the  other  cases  there  was  the  chance  of  the  prophecy 
coming  true,  however  improbable  present  events  would 
appear.1  Thus,  Miss  Eleonora  Morkin  received,  and 
was  perfectly  satisfied  with,  a  description  of  Mr.  Poletiss ; 
while  Miss  Letitia  Jane  Morkin  was  made  supremely 
happy  with  a  promise  of  a  similarly-described  gentle- 
man ;  until  the  two  sisters  had  compared  notes,  when 
they  discovered  that  the  same  husband  had  been 
promised  to  both  of  them  —  which  by  no  means  im- 
proved their  sororal  amiability. 

As  Verdant  walked  up  the  hill  with  Miss  Patty,  he 
thought  very  seriously  on  his  feelings  towards,  her,  and 
pondered  what  might  be  the  nature  of  her  feelings  in 
regard  to  him.  He  believed  that  she  was  engaged  to 
her  cousin  Frederick.  All  her  little  looks,  and  acts, 
and  words  to  himself,  he  could  construe  as  the  mere 
tokens  of  the  friendship  of  a  warm-hearted  girl.  If  she 
was  inclined  to  a  little  flirtation,  there  was  then  an 
additional  reason  for  her  notice  of  him.  Then  he 
thought  that  she  was  of  far  too  noble  a  disposition 
to  lead  him  on  to  a  love  which  she  could  not  or 
might  not  wish  to,  return;  and  that  she  would  not 
have  said  and  done  many  little  things  that  he  fondly 
recalled,  unless  she  had  chosen  to  show  him  that  he  was 
dearer  to  her  than  a  mere  friend.  Having  ascended  to 
the  heights  of  happiness  by  this  thought,  Verdant  im- 
mediately plunged  from  thence  into  the  depths  of 
misery,  by  calling  to  mind  various  other  little  things 
that  she  had  said  and  done  in  connection  with  her- 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   42! 

cousin ;  and  he  again  forced  himself  into  the  conviction 
that  in  Frederick  Delaval  he  had  a  rival,  and,  what  was 
more,  a  successful  one.  He  determined,  before  the  day 
was  over,  to  end  his  tortures  of  suspense  by  putting 
to  Miss  Patty  the  plain  question  whether  or  no  she 
was  engaged  to  her  cousin,  and  to  trust  to  her  kind- 
ness to  forgive  the  question  if  it  was  an  impertinent 
one.  He  was  unable  to  do  this  for  the  present,  partly 
from  lack  of  courage,  and  partly  from  the  too  close 
neighbourhood  of  others  of  the  party ;  but  he  concocted 
several  sentences  that  seemed  to  him  to  be  admirably 
adapted  to  bring  about  the  desired  result. 

"  How  abstracted  you  are !  "  said  Miss  Patty  to  him 
rather  abruptly.  "  Why  don't  you  make  yourself 
agreeable  ?  For  the  last  three  minutes  you  have  not 
taken  your  eyes  off  Kitty."  (She  was  walking  just 
before  them,  with  her  cousin  Frederick.)  "  What  were 
you  thinking  about  ?  " 

Perhaps  it  was  that  he  was  suddenly  roused  from 
deep  thought,  and  had  no  time  to  frame  an  evasive 
reply ;  but  at  any  rate  Mr.  Verdant  Green  answered, 
"  I  was  thinking  that  Mr.  Delaval  had  proposed,  and 
had  been  accepted."  And  then  he  was  frightened  at 
what  he  had  said ;  for  Miss  Patty  looked  confused  and 
surprised.  "  I  see  that  it  is  so,"  he  sighed,  and  his 
heart  sank  within  him. 

"  How  did  you  find  it  out?"  she  replied.  "It  is  a 
secret  for  the  present ;  and  we  do  not  wish  any  one  to 
know  of  it." 

"  My  dear  Patty,"  said  Frederick  Delaval,  who  had 
waited  for  them  to  come  up,  "  wherever  have  you  been? 
We  thought  the  gipsies  had  stolen  you.  I  am  dying  to 
tell  you  my  fortune.  I  was  with  Miss  Maxwell  at  the 


422  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

time,  and  the  old  woman  described  her  to  me  as  my 
future  wife.  The  fortune-teller  was  slightly  on  the 
wrong  tack,  wasn't  she?"  So  Frederick  Delaval  and 
the  Misses  Honeywood  laughed ;  and  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  also  laughed  in  a  very  savage  manner;  and 
they  all  seemed  to  think  it  a  very  capital  joke,  and 
walked  on  together  in  very  capital  spirits. 

"  My  last  hope  is  gone  ! "  thought  Verdant.     "  I  have 
now  heard  my  fate  from  her  own  lips." 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   423 


CHAPTER  VIII. 

MR.  VERDANT   GREEN   CROSSES  THE  RUBICON. 

.HE  pic-nic  dinner  was 
laid  near  to  the  brow 
of  the  hill  of  Ros  Cas- 
tle, on  the  shady  side 
of  the  park  wall.  In 
this  cool  retreat,  with 
the  thick  summer  fo- 
liage to  screen  them 
from  the  hot  sun, 
they  could  feast  un- 
disturbed either  by 
the  Wild  Cattle  or  the 
noonday  glare,  and 
drink  in  draughts  of  beauty  from  the  wide-spread  land- 
scape before  them. 

The  hill  on  which  they  were  seated  was  broken  up 
into  the  most  picturesque  undulations;  here,  the  rock 
cropped  out  from  the  mossy  turf;  there,  the  blaeber- 
ries (the  bilberries  of  more  southern  counties)  clustered 
in  myrtle-like  bushes.  The  intrenched  hill  sloped  down 
to  a  rich  plain,  spreading  out  for  many  miles,  traversed 
by  the  great  north  road,  and  dotted  over  with  hamlets. 
Then  came  a  brown  belt  of  sand,  and  a  broken  white 
line  of  breakers ;  and  then  the  sea,  flecked  with  crested 


424  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

waves,  and  sails  that  glimmered  in  the  dreamy  distance. 
Holy  Island  was  also  in  sight,  together  with  the  rugged 
Castle  of  Bamborough,  and  the  picturesque  groups  of 
the  Staple  and  the  Farn  Islands,  covered  with  sea-birds, 
and  circled  with  pearls  of  foam. 

The  immediate  foreground  presented  a  very  cheering 
prospect  to  hungry  folks.  The  snowy  table-cloth  — 
held  down  upon  the  grass  by  fragments  of  rock  against 
the  surprise  of  high  winds — was  dappled  over  with  loins 
of  lamb,  and  lobster  salads,  and  pigeon-pies,  and  veal 
cakes,  and  grouse,  and  game,  and  ducks,  and  cold  fowls, 
and  ruddy  hams,  and  helpless  tongues,  and  cool  cucum- 
bers, and  pickled  salmon,  and  roast-beef  of  old  England, 
and  oyster  patties,  and  venison  pasties,  and  all  sorts  of 
pastries,  and  jellies,  and  custards,  and  ice :  to  say  noth- 
ing of  piles  of  peaches,  and  nectarines,  and  grapes,  and 
melons,  and  pines.  Every  thing  had  been  remembered 
—  even  the  salt,  and  the  knives  and  forks,  which  are 
usually  forgotten  at  alfresco  entertainments.  All  this 
was  very  cheering,  and  suggestive  of  enjoyment  and 
creature  comforts.  Wines  and  humbler  liquids  stood 
around ;  and,  for  the  especial  delectation  of  the  ladies, 
a  goodly  supply  of  champagne  lay  cooling  itself  in  some 
ice-pails,  under  the  tilt  of  the  cart  that  had  brought  it. 
This  cart-tilt,  draped  over  with  loose  sacking,  formed  a 
very  good  imitation  of  a  gipsy  tent,  that  did  not  in  the 
least  detract  from  the  rusticity  of  the  scene,  more 
especially  as  close  behind  it  was  burning  a  gipsy  fire, 
surmounted  by  a  triple  gibbet,  on  which  hung  a  kettle, 
melodious  even  then,  and  singing  through  its  swan-like 
neck  an  intimation  of  its  readiness  to  aid,  at  a  moment's 
notice,  in  the  manufacture  of  whisky-toddy. 

The  dinner  was  a  very  merry  affair.     The  gentlemen 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 


425 


vied  with  the  servants  in  attending  to  the  wants  of  the 
ladies,  and  were  assiduous  in  the  duties  of  cutting  and 
carving;  while  the  sharp  popping  of  the  champagne, 
and  the  heavier  artillery  of  the  pale  ale  and  porter 
bottles,  made  a  pleasant  fusillade.  Little  Mr.  Bouncer 
was  especially  deserving  of  notice.  He  sat  with  his 
legs  in  the  shape  of  the  letter  V  inverted,  his  legs  being 
forced  to  retain  their  position  from  the  fact  of  three 
dishes  of  various  dimensions  being  arranged  between 
them  in  a  diminuendo  passage.  These  three  dishes  he 
vigorously  attacked,  not  only  on  his  own  account,  but 
also  on  behalf  of  his  neighbours,  more  especially  Miss 
Fanny  Green,  who  reclined  by  his  side  in  an  oriental 
posture,  and  made  a  table  of  her  lap.  The  disposition 
of  the  rest  of  the  dramatis  persona  was  also  noticeable, 
as  also  their  positions  —  their  sitting  a  la  Turk  or  tailor, 
and  their  d/gagfc  attitudes  and  costumes.  Charles  Lar- 
kyns  had  got  by  Mary  Green ;  Mr.  Poletiss  was  placed, 
sandwich-like,  between  the  two  Miss  Morkins,  who  were 
both  making  love  to  him  at  once;  Frederick  Delaval 
was  sitting  in  a  similar  fashion  between  the  two  Miss 
Honeywoods,  who  were  not,  however,  both  making  love 
to  him  at  once ;  and  on  the  other  side  of  Miss  Patty  was 
Mr.  Verdant  Green.  The  infatuated  young  man  could 
not  drag  himself  away  from  his  conqueror.  Although, 
from  her  own  confession,  he  had  learnt  what  he  had 
many  times  suspected  —  that  Frederick  Delaval  had 
proposed  and  had  been  accepted  —  yet  he  still  felt  a 
pleasure  in  burning  his  wings  and  fluttering  round  his 
light  of  love.  "  An  affection  of  the  heart  cannot  be 
cured  at  a  moment's  notice,"  thought  Verdant;  "to- 
morrow I  will  endeavour  to  begin  the  task  of  forgetting 
—  to-day,  remembrance  is  too  recent;  besides,  every 


426  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

one  is  expected  to  enjoy  himself  at  a  pic-nic,  and  I 
must  appear  to  do  the  same." 

But  it  did  not  seem  as  though  Miss  Patty  had  any 
intention  of  allowing  those  in  her  immediate  vicinity  to 
betake  themselves  to  the  dismals,  or  to  the  produce  of 
wet-blankets,  for  she  was  in  the  very  highest  spirits,  and 
insisted,  as  it  were,  that  those  around  her  should  catch 
the  contagion  of  her  cheerfulness.  And  it  accordingly 
happened  that  Mr.  Verdant  Green  seemed  to  be  as 
merry  as  was  old  King  Cole,  and  laughed  and  talked  as 
though  black  care  was  anywhere  else  than  between  him- 
self and  Miss  Patty  Honey  wood. 

Close  behind  Miss  Patty  was  the  gipsy-tent-looking 
cart- tilt;  and  when  the  dinner  was  over,  and  there  was 
a  slight  change  of  places,  while  the  fragments  were 
being  cleared  away  and  the  dessert  and  wine  were  being 
placed  on  the  table  —  that  is  to  say,  the  cloth  —  Miss 
Patty,  under  pretence  of  escaping  from  a  ray  of  sun- 
shine that  had  pierced  the  trees  and  found  its  way  to  her 
face,  retreated  a  yard  or  so,  and  crouched  beneath  the 
pseudo  gipsy-tent.'  And  what  so  natural  but  that  Mr. 
Verdant  Green  should  also  find  the  sun  disagreeable, 
and  should  follow  his  light  of  love,  to  burn  his  wings  a 
little  more,  and  flutter  round  her  fascinations?  At  any 
rate,  whether  natural  or  no,  Verdant  also  drew  back  a 
yard  or  so,  and  found  himself  half  within  the  cart-tilt, 
and  very  close  to  Miss  Patty. 

The  pic-nic  party  were  stretched  at  their  ease  upon 
the  grass,  drinking  wine,  munching  fruit,  talking,  laugh- 
ing, and  flirting,  with  the  blue  sea  before  them  and  the 
bluer  sky  above  them,  when  said  the  squire  in  heroic 
strain,  "  Song  alone  is  wanting  to  crown  our  feast ! 
Charles  Larkyns,  you  have  not  only  the  face  of  a  singer, 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.  427 

but,  as  we  all  know,  you  have  the  voice  of  one.  I 
therefore  call  upon  you  to  set  our  minstrels  an  example ; 
and,  as  a  propitiatory  measure,  I  beg  to  propose  your 
health,  with  eulogistic  thanks  for  the  song  you  are  about 
to  sing !  "  Which  was  unanimously  seconded  amid 
laughter  and  cheers;  and  the  pop  of  the  champagne 
bottles  gave  Charles  Larkyns  the  key-note  for  his  song. 
It  was  suited  to  the  occasion  (perhaps  it  was  composed 
for  it?),  being  a  paean  for  a  pic-nic,  and  it  stated  (in 
chorus)  — 

"  Then  these  aids  to  success 

Should  a  pic-nic  possess 
For  the  cup  of  its  joy  to  be  brimming : 

Three  things  there  should  shine 

Fair,  agreeable,  and  fine  — 
The  Weather,  the  Wine,  and  the  Women !  " 

A  rule  of  pic-nics  which,  if  properly  worked  out,  could 
not  fail  to  answer. 

Other  songs  followed;  and  Mr.  Poletiss,  being  a 
young  gentleman  of  a  meek  appearance  and  still  meeker 
voice,  lyrically  informed  the  company  that  "  Oh !  he 
was  a  pirate  bold,  The  scourge  of  the  wide,  wide  sea, 
With  a  murd'rous  thirst  for  gold,  And  a  life  that  was 
wild  and  free !  "  And  when  Mr.  Poletiss  arrived  at 
this  point,  he  repeated  the  last  word  two  or  three  times 
over  —  just  as  if  he  had  been  King  George  the  Third 
visiting  Whitbread's  Brewery  — 

"  Grains,  grains  !  "  said  majesty,  "  to  fill  their  crops  ? 
Grains,  grains  !  that  comes  from  hops  —  yes,  hops,  hops,  hops  !  " 

So  Mr.  Poletiss  sang,  "  And  a  life  that  was  wild  and 
free,  free,  free,  And  a  life  that  was  wild  and  free."  To 
this  charming  lyric  there  was  a  chorus  of,  "  Then  hurrah 
for  the  pirate  bold,  And  hurrah  for  the  rover  wild,  And 


428  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

hurrah  for  the  yellow  gold,  And  hurrah  for  the  ocean's 
child !  "  the  mild  enunciation  of  which  highly  moral  and 
appropriate  chant  appeared  to  give  Mr.  Poletiss  great 
satisfaction,  as  he  turned  his  half-shut  eyes  to  the  sky, 
and  fashioned  his  mouth  into  a  smile.  Mr.  Bouncer's 
love  for  a  chorus  was  conspicuously  displayed  on  this 
occasion;  and  Miss  Eleonora  and  Miss  Letitia  Jane 


Morkin  added  their  feeble  trebles  to  the  hurrahs  with 
which  Mr.  Poletiss,  in  his  George  the  Third  fashion, 
meekly  hailed  the  advantages  to  be  derived  from  a 
pirate's  career. 

But  what  was  Mr.  Verdant  Green  doing  all  this  time? 
The  sunbeam  had  pursued  him,  and  proved  so  annoying 
that  he  had  found  it  necessary  to  withdraw  altogether 
into  the  shade  of  the  pseudo  gipsy- tent.  Miss  Patty 
Honeywood  had  made  such  room  for  him  that  she  was 
entirely  hidden  from  the  rest  of  the  party  by  the  rude 
drapery  of  the  tent.  By  the  time  that  Mr.  Poletiss  had 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.  429 

commenced  his  piratical  song,  Miss  Patty  and  Verdant 
were  deep  in  a  whispered  conversation.  It  was  she  who 
had  started  the  conversation,  and  it  was  about  the  gipsy 
and  her  fortune-telling. 

Just  when  Mr.  Poletiss  had  given  his  first  imitation  of 
King  George,  and  was  mildly  plunging  into  his  hurrah 
chorus,  Mr.  Verdant  Green  —  whose  timidity,  fears,  and 
depression  of  spirits  had  somewhat  been  dispelled  and 
alleviated  by  the  allied  powers  of  Miss  Patty  and  the 
champagne  —  was  speaking  thus :  "  And  do  you  really 
think  that  she  was  only  inventing,  and  that  the  dark 
man  she  spoke  of  was  a  creature  of  her  own 
imagination?  " 

"Of  course!"  answered  Miss  Patty;  "you  surely 
don't  believe  that  she  could  have  meant  any  one  in 
particular,  either  in  the  gentleman's  case  or  in  the 
lady's?" 

"  But,  in  the  lady's,  she  evidently  described  you" 

"  Very  likely !  just  as  she  would  have  described  any 
other  young  lady  who  might  have  chanced  to  be  with 
you :  Miss  Morkin,  for  example.  The  gipsy  knew  her 
trade." 

"  Many  true  words  are  spoken  in  jest.  Perhaps  it 
was  not  altogether  idly  that  she  spoke ;  perhaps  I  did 
care  for  the  lady  she  described." 

The  sunbeam  must  surely  have  penetrated  through 
the  tent's  coarse  covering,  for  both  Miss  Patty  and  Mr. 
Verdant  Green  were  becoming  very  hot  —  hotter  even 
than  they  had  been  under  the  apple-tree  in  the  orchard. 
Mr.  Poletiss  was  all  this  time  giving  his  imitations  of 
George  the  Third,  and  lyrically  expressing  his  opinion 
as  to  the  advantages  to  be  derived  from  the  profession 
of  a  pirate;  and,  as  his  song  was  almost  as  long  as 


430   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

"  Chevy  Chase,"  and  mainly  consisted  of  a  chorus, 
which  was  energetically  led  by  Mr.  Bouncer,  there  was 
noise  enough  made  to  drown  any  whispered  conversa- 
tion in  the  pseudo  gipsy-tent. 

"  But,"  continued  Verdant,  "  perhaps  the  lady  she 
described  did  not  care  for  me,  or  she  would  not  have 
given  all  her  love  to  the  dark  man." 

"  I  think,"  faltered  Miss  Patty,  "  the  gipsy  seemed  to 
say  that  the  lady  preferred  the  light  man.  But  you  do 
not  believe  what  she  told  you  ?  " 

"  I  would  have  done  so  a  few  days  ago  —  if  it  had 
been  repeated  by  you." 

"  I  scarcely  know  what  you  mean." 

"  Until  to-day  I  had  hoped.  It  seems  that  I  have 
built  my  hopes  on  a  false  foundation,  and  one  word  of 
yours  has  crumbled  them  into  the  dust !  " 

This  pretty  sentence  embodied  an  idea  that  he  had 
stolen  from  his  own  "  Legend  of  the  Fair  Margaret."  He 
felt  so  much  pride  in  his  property  that,  as  Miss  Patty 
looked  slightly  bewildered  and  remained  speechless,  he 
reiterated  the  little  quotation  about  his  crumbling 
hopes. 

"  Whatever  can  I  have  done,"  said  the  young  lady, 
with  a  smile,  "  to  cause  such  a  ruin?  " 

"  It  caused  you  no  pain  to  utter  the  words,"  replied 
Verdant;  "and  why  should  it?  but,  to  me,  they  tolled 
the  knell  of  my  happiness."  (This  was  another  quota- 
tion from  his  Legend.) 

"  Then  hurrah  for  the  pirate  bold,  And  hurrah  for  the 
rover  wild  !  "  sang  the  meek  Mr.  Poletiss. 

Miss  Patty  Honeywood  began  to  suspect  that  Mr. 
Verdant  Green  had  taken  too  much  champagne ! 

"What  do  you  mean?"  she  said.     "Whatever  have 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   431 

I  said  or  done  to  you  that  you  make  use  of  such  remark- 
able  expressions?  " 

"  And  hurrah  for  the  yellow  gold,  And  hurrah  for  the 
ocean's  child !  "  chorussed  Messrs.  Poletiss,  Bouncer, 
and  Co. 

Looking  as  sentimental  as  his  spectacles  would  allow, 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  replied  in  verse  — 

"  '  Hopes  that  once  we  Ve  loved  to  cherish 
May  fade  and  droop,  but  never  perish ! ' 

as  Shakspeare  says."  (Although  he  modestly  attributed 
this  sentiment  to  the  Swan  of  Avon,  it  was,  nevertheless, 


another  quotation  from  his  own  Legend.)  "  And  it  is 
my  case.  /  cannot  forget  the  Past,  though  you  may  !  " 
"  Really  you  are  as  enigmatical  as  the  Sphinx !  "  said 
Miss  Patty,  who  again  thought  of  Mr.  Verdant  Green  in 
connection  with  champagne.  "  Pray  condescend  to 
speak  more  plainly,  for  I  was  never  clever  at  finding  out 

riddles." 

28 


432   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

"  And  have  you  forgotten  what  you  said  to  me,  in 
reply  to  a  question  that  I  asked  you,  as  we  came  up  the 
hill?" 

"  Yes,  I  have  quite  forgotten.  I  dare  say  I  said  many 
foolish  things ;  but  what  was  the  particular  foolish  thing 
that  so  dwells  on  your  mind?  " 

"  If  it  is  so  soon  forgotten,  it  is  not  worth  repeating." 

"  Oh,  it  is !  Pray  gratify  my  curiosity.  I  am  sorry 
my  bad  memory  should  have  given  you  any  pain." 

"  It  was  not  your  bad  memory,  but  your  words." 

"  My  bad  words  ?  " 

"  No,  not  bad ;  but  words  that  shut  out  a  bright 
future,  and  changed  my  life  to  gloom."  (The  Legend 
again.) 

Miss  Patty  looked  more  perplexed  than  ever ;  while 
Mr.  Poletiss  politely  filled  up  the  gap  of  silence  with  an 
imitation  of  King  George  the  Third. 

"  I  really  do  not  know  what  you  mean,"  said  Miss 
Patty.  "  If  I  have  said  or  done  anything  that  has  caused 
you  pain,  I  can  assure  you  it  was  quite  unwittingly  on 
my  part,  and  I  am  very  sorry  for  it ;  but,  if  you  will  tell 
me  what  it  was,  perhaps  I  may  be  able  to  explain  it 
away,  and  disabuse  your  mind  of  a  false  impression." 

"  I  am  quite  sure  that  you  did  not  intend  to  pain  me," 
replied  Verdant ;  "  and  I  know  that  it  was  presumptuous 
in  me  to  think  as  I  did.  It  was  scarcely  probable  that 
you  would  feel  as  I  felt;  and  I  ought  to  have  made  up 
my  mind  to  it,  and  have  borne  my  sufferings  with  a 
patient  heart."  (The  Legend  again !)  "  And  yet  when 
the  shock  does  come,  it  is  very  hard  to  be  borne." 

Miss  Patty's  bright  eyes  were  dilated  with  wonder, 
and  she  again  thought  of  Mr.  Verdant  Green  in  connec- 
tion with  champagne.  Mr.  Poletiss  was  still  taking  his 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   433 

pirate  through  all  sorts  of  flats  and  sharps,  and  chromatic 
imitations  of  King  George. 

"  But,  what  is  this  shock? "  asked  Miss  Patty.  "  Per- 
haps I  can  relieve  it;  and  I  ought  to  do  so  if  it  came 
through  my  means." 

"  You  cannot  help  me,"  said  Verdant.  "  My  suspi- 
cions were  confirmed  by  your  words,  and  they  have 
sealed  my  fate." 

"  But  you  have  not  yet  told  me  what  those  words  were, 
and  I  must  really  insist  upon  knowing,"  said  Miss  Patty, 
who  had  begun  to  look  very  seriously  perplexed. 

"  And,  can  you  have  forgotten !  "  was  the  reply. 
"  Do  you  not  remember,  that,  as  we  came  up  the  hill,  I 
put  a  certain  question  to  you  about  Mr.  Delaval  having 
proposed  and  having  been  accepted  ? " 

"Yes !   I  remember  it  very  well !     And,  what  then?  " 

"And,  what  then!"  echoed  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  in 
the  greatest  wonder  at  the  young  lady's  calmness; 
"  what  then  !  why,  when  you  told  me  that  he  had  been 
accepted,  was  not  that  sufficient  for  me  to  know?  —  to 
know  that  all  my  love  had  been  given  to  one  who  was 
another's,  and  that  all  my  hopes  were  blighted !  was  not 
this  sufficient  to  crush  me,  and  to  change  the  colour  of 
my  life?"  And  Verdant's  face  showed  that,  though  he 
might  be  quoting  from  his  Legend,  he  was  yet  speaking 
from  his  heart. 

"  Oh  !  I  little  expected  this !  "  faltered  Miss  Patty,  in 
real  grief;  "  I  little  thought  of  this.  Why  did  you  not 
speak  sooner  to  some  one  —  to  me,  for  instance  —  and 
have  spared  yourself  this  misery?  If  you  had  been 
earlier  made  acquainted  with  Frederick's  attachment, 
you  might  then  have  checked  your  own.  I  did  not 
ever  dream  of  this !  "  And  Miss  Patty,  who  had  turned 


434  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

pale,  and  trembled  with  agitation,  could  not  restrain  a 
tear. 

"  It  is  very  kind  of  you  thus  to  feel  for  me  !  "  said 
Verdant  ;  "  and  all  I  ask  is,  that  you  will  still  remain 
my  friend." 

"  Indeed,  I  will.  And  I  am  sure  Kitty  will  always 
wish  to  be  the  same.  She  will  be  sadly  grieved  to  hear 
of  this  ;  for,  I  can  assure  you  that  she  had  no  suspicion 
you  were  attached  to  her." 

"  Attached  to  HER  !  "  cried  Verdant,  with  vast  surprise. 
"  What  ever  do  you  mean?  " 

"  Have  you  not  been  telling  me  of  your  secret  love 
for  her?"  answered  Miss  Patty,  who  again  turned  her 
thoughts  to  the  champagne. 

"  Love  for  her?     No!  nothing  of  the  kind." 

"  What  !  and  not  spoken  about  your  grief  when  I  told 
you  that  Frederick  Delaval  had  proposed  to  her,  and 
had  been  accepted?  " 

"  Proposed  to  her  f  "  cried  Verdant,  in  a  kind  of 
dreamy  swoon. 

"  Yes  !  to  whom  else  do  you  suppose  he  would 
propose?  " 


"  To  ME  !  " 

"  Yes,  to  you  !  Why,  have  you  not  been  telling  me 
that  you  were  engaged  to  him?  " 

"  Telling  you  that  /  was  engaged  to  Fred  !"  rejoined 
Miss  Patty.  "  Why,  what  could  put  such  an  idea  into 
your  head?  Fred  is  engaged  to  Kitty.  You  asked  me 
if  it  was  not  so  ;  and  I  told  you,  yes,  but  that  it  was  a 
secret  at  present.  Why,  then  of  whom  were  you 
talking?  " 

"  Of  you  !  " 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 


435 


"  Yes,  of  you  !  "  And  the  scales  fell  from  the  eyes  of 
both  and  they  saw  their  mutual  mistake. 

There  was  a  silence,  which  Verdant  was  the  first  to 
break. 

"  It  seems  that  love  is  really  blind.  I  now  perceive 
how  we  have  been  playing  at  cross  questions  and 
crooked  answers.  When  I  asked  you  about  Mr.  Delaval, 
my  thoughts  were  wholly  of  you,  and  I  spoke  of  you, 
and  not  of  your  sister,  as  you  imagined ;  and  I  fancied 
that  you  answered  not  for  your  sister,  but  for  yourself. 
When  I  spoke  of  my  attachment,  it  did  not  refer  to  your 
sister,  but  to  you." 

"  To  me  ? "  softly  said  Miss  Patty,  as  a  delicious 
tremor  stole  over  her. 

"  To  you,  and  to  you  alone,"  answered  Verdant.  The 
great  stumbling-block  of  his  doubts  was  now  removed, 
and  his  way  lay  clear  before  him.  Then,  after  a 
momentary  pause  to  nerve  his  determination,  and  with- 
out further  prelude,  or  beating  about  the  bush,  he  said, 
"  Patty  —  my  dear  Miss  Honeywood  —  I  love  you  !  do 
you  love  me?  " 

There  it  was  at  last !  The  dreaded  question  over 
which  he  had  passed  so  many  hours  of  thought,  was  at 
length  spoken.  The  elaborate  sentences  that  he  had 
devised  for  its  introduction,  had  all  been  forgotten ;  and 
his  artificial  flowers  of  oratory  had  been  exchanged  for 
those  simpler  blossoms  of  honesty  and  truth  —  "I  love 
you  —  do  you  love  me?"  He  had  imagined  that  he 
should  put  the  question  to  her  when  they  were  alone  in 
some  quiet  room;  or,  better  still,  when  they  were 
wandering  together  in  some  sequestered  garden  walk  or 
shady  lane ;  and,  now,  here  he  had  unexpectedly,  and 


436  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

undesignedly,  found  his  opportunity  at  a  pic-nic  dinner, 
with  half  a  hundred  people  close  beside  him,  and  his 
ears  assaulted  with  a  songster's  praises  of  piracy  and 
murder.  Strange  accompaniments  to  a  declaration  of 
the  tender  passion  !  But,  like  others  before  him,  he  had 
found  that  there  was  no  such  privacy  as  that  of  a  crowd 
—  the  fear  of  interruption  probably  adding  a  spur  to 
determination,  while  the  laughter  and  busy  talking  of 
others  assist  to  fill  up  awkward  pauses  of  agitation  in 
the  converse  of  the  loving  couple. 

Despite  the  heat,  Miss  Patty's  cheeks  paled  for  a 
moment,  as  Verdant  put  to  her  that  question,  "  Do  you 
love  me?"  Then  a  deep  blush  stole  over  them,  as  she 
whispered  "  I  do." 

What  need  for  more?  what  need  for  pressure  of  hands 
or  lips,  and  vows  of  love  and  constancy?  What  need 
even  for  the  elder  and  more  desperate  of  the  Miss 
Morkins  to  maliciously  suggest  that  Mr.  Poletiss  —  who 
had  concluded,  amid  a  great  display  of  approbation 
(probably  because  it  was  concluded)  his  mild  piratical 
chant,  and  his  imitations  of  King  George  the  Third  — 
should  call  upon  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  who,  as  she  under- 
stood, was  a  very  good  singer?  "  And,  dear  me  !  where 
could  he  have  gone  to,  when  he  was  here  just  now,  you 
know !  and,  good  gracious  !  why  there  he  was,  under 
the  cart-tilt —  and  well,  I  never  was  so  surprised  —  Miss 
Martha  Honeywood  with  him,  flirting  now,  I  dare  say? 
should  n't  you  think  so?  " 

No  need  for  this  stroke  of  generalship  !  No  need  for 
Miss  Letitia  Jane  Morkin  to  prompt  Miss  Fanny  Green 
to  bring  her  brother  out  of  his  retirement.  No  need  for 
Mr.  Frederick  Delaval  to  say  "  I  thought  you  were 
never  going  to  slip  from  your  moorings !  "  Or  for  little 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   437 

Mr.  Bouncer  to  cry,  "  Yoicks  !  unearthed  at  last !  "  No 
need  for  anything,  save  the  parental  sanction  to  the 
newly-formed  engagement.  Mr.  Verdant  Green  had 
proposed,  and  had  been  accepted ;  and  Miss  Patty 
Honeyvvood  could  exclaim  with  Schiller's  heroine,  "  Ich 
habe  gelebt  und  geliebet !  —  I  have  lived,  and  have 
loved !  " 


438 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 


CHAPTER   IX. 

MR.   VERDANT  GREEN   ASKS   PAPA. 

USS  MORKIN  met  with  her 
reward  before  many  hours. 
The  pic-nic  party  were  on 
their  way  home,  and  had 
reached  within  a  short  dis- 
tance of  the  inn  where  their 
wagons  had  to  be  ex- 
changed for  carriages.  It 
has  been  mentioned  that, 
among  the  difficulties  of  the  way,  they  had  to  drive 
through  bridgeless  brooks ;  and  one  of  these  was  not 
half-a-mile  distant  from  the  inn. 

It  happened  that  the  mild  Mr.  Poletiss  was  seated  at 
the  tail  end  of  the  wagon,  next  to  the  fair  Miss  Morkin, 
who  was  laying  violent  siege  to  him,  with  a  battery  of 
words,  if  not  of  charms.  If  the  position  of  Mr.  Poletiss, 
as  to  deliverance  from  his  fair  foe,  was  a  difficult  one, 
his  position,  as  to  maintaining  his  seat  during  the  vio- 
lent throes  and  tossings  to  and  fro  of  the  wagon,  was 
even  more  difficult;  for  Mr.  Poletiss's  mildness  of  voice 
was  surpassed  by  his  mildness  of  manner,  and  he  was 
far  too  timid  to  grasp  at  the  side  of  the  wagon  by  pla- 
cing his  arm  behind  the  fair  Miss  Morkin,  lest  it  should 
be  supposed  that  he  was  assuming  the  privileged  posi- 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   439 

tion  of  a  partner  in  a  valse.  Mr.  Poletiss,  therefore, 
whenever  they  jolted  through  ruts  or  brooks,  held  on 
to  his  hay  hassock,  and  preserved  his  equilibrium  as 
best  he  could. 

On  the  same  side  of  the  wagon,  but  at  its  upper  and 
safer  end,  was  seated  Mr.  Bouncer,  who  was  not  slow 
to  perceive  that  a  very  slight  accident  would  destroy 
Mr.  Poletiss's  equilibrium;  and  the  little  gentleman's 
fertile  brain  speedily  concocted  a  plan,  which  he  forth- 
with communicated  to  Miss  Fanny  Green,  who  sat  next 
to  him.  It  was  this :  —  that  when  they  were  plunging 
through  the  brook,  and  every  one  was  swaying  to  and 
fro,  and  was  thrown  off  their  balance,  Mr.  Bouncer 
should  take  advantage  of  the  critical  moment,  and  (by 
accident,  of  course ! )  give  Miss  Fanny  Green  a  heavy 
push ;  this  would  drive  her  against  her  next  neighbour, 
Miss  Patty  Honeywood;  who,  from  the  recoil,  would 
literally  be  precipitated  into  the  arms  of  Mr.  Verdant 
Green,  who  would  be  pushed  against  Miss  Letitia  Jane 
Morkin,  who  would  be  driven  against  her  sister,  who 
would  be  propelled  against  Mr.  Poletiss,  and  thus  give 
him  that  coup  de  grace,  which,  as  Mr.  Bouncer  hoped, 
would  have  the  effect  of  quietly  tumbling  him  out  of 
the  wagon,  and  partially  ducking  him  in  the  brook. 
"It  won't  hurt  him,"  said  the  little  gentleman;  "it'll 
do  him  good.  The  brook  ain't  deep,  and  a  bath  will 
be  pleasant  such  a  day  as  this.  He  can  dry  his  clothes 
at  the  inn,  and  get  some  steaming  toddy,  if  he  's  afraid 
of  catching  cold.  And  it  will  be  such  a  lark  to  see  him 
in  the  water.  Perhaps  Miss  Morkin  will  take  a  header, 
and  plunge  in  to  save  him;  and  he  will  promise  her 
his  hand,  and  a  medal  from  the  Humane  Society !  The 
wagon  will  be  sure  to  give  a  heavy  lurch  as  we  come  up 


44O   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

out  of  the  brook,  and  what  so  natural  as  that  we  should 
all  be  jolted  against  each  other?"  It  is  not  necessary 
to  state  whether  or  no  Miss  Fanny  Green  seconded  or 
opposed  Mr.  Bouncer's  motion ;  suffice  it  to  say  that 
it  was  carried  out. 

They  had  reached  the  brook.  Miss  Morkin  was 
exclaiming,  "  Oh,  dear !  here  's  another  of  those  dread- 
ful brooks  —  the  last,  I  hope,  for  I  always  feel  so  timid 
at  water,  and  I  never  bathe  at  the  sea-side  without  shut- 
ting my  eyes  and  being  pushed  into  it  by  the  old  woman 
—  and,  my  goodness  !  here  we  are,  and  I  feel  convinced 
that  we  shall  all  be  thrown  in  by  those  dreadful  wagon- 
ers, who  are  quite  tipsy  I  'm  sure  —  don't  you  think  so, 
Mr.  Poletiss?" 

But,  ere  Mr.  Poletiss  could  meekly  respond,  the 
horses  had  been  quickened  into  a  trot,  the  wagon  had 
gone  down  into  the  brook  —  through  it  —  and  was  bound- 
ing up  the  opposite  side  —  everybody  was  holding 
tightly  to  anything  that  came  nearest  to  hand — when, 
at  that  fatal  moment,  little  Mr.  Bouncer  gave  the  pre- 
concerted push,  which  was  passed  on,  unpremeditatedly, 
from  one  to  another,  until  it  had  gained  its  electrical 
climax  in  the  person  of  Miss  Morkin,  who,  with  a  shriek, 
was  propelled  against  Mr.  Poletiss,  and  gave  the  neces- 
sary momentum  that  toppled  him  from  the  wagon  into 
the  brook.  But,  dreadful  to  relate,  Mr.  Bouncer's  prac- 
tical joke  did  not  terminate  at  this  fixed  point.  Mr. 
Poletiss,  in  the  suddenness  of  his  fall  naturally  struck 
out  at  any  straw  that  might  save  him;  and  the  straw 
that  he  caught  was  the  dress  of  Miss  Morkin.  She 
being  at  that  moment  off  her  balance,  and  the  wagon 
moving  rapidly  at  an  angle  of  45°,  was  unable  to  save 
herself  from  following  the  example  of  Mr.  Poletiss,  and 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.  441 

she  also  toppled  over  into  the  brook.  A  third  victim 
would  have  been  added  to  Mr.  Bouncer's  list,  had  not 
Mr.  Verdant  Green,  with  considerable  presence  of  mind, 
plucked  Miss  Letitia  Jane  Morkin  from  the  violent  hands 
that  her  sister  was  laying  upon  her,  in  making  the  same 
endeavours  after  safety  that  had  been  so  futile ly  employed 
by  the  luckless  Mr.  Poletiss. 

No  sooner  had  he  fallen  with  a  splash  into  the  brook, 
than  Miss  Eleonora  Morkin  was  not  only  after  but  upon 
him.1  This  was  so  far  fortunate  for  the  lady,  that  it 
released  her  with  only  a  partial  wetting,  and  she  speed- 
ily rolled  from  off  her  submerged  companion  on  to  the 
shore;  but  it  rendered  the  ducking  of  Mr.  Poletiss  a 
more  complete  one,  and  he  scrambled  from  the  brook, 
dripping  and  heavy  with  wet,  like  an  old  ewe  emerging 
from  a  sheep-shearing  tank.  The  wagon  had  been 
immediately  stopped,  and  Mr.  Bouncer  and  the  other 
gentlemen  had  at  once  sprung  down  to  Miss  Morkin's 
assistance.  Being  thus  surrounded  by  a  male  body- 
guard, the  young  lady  could  do  no  less  than  go  into 
hysterics,  and  fall  into  the  nearest  gentleman's  arms, 
and  as  this  gentleman  was  little  Mr.  Bouncer  he  was 
partially  punished  for  his  practical  joke.  Indeed,  he 
afterwards  declared  that  a  severe  cold  which  troubled 
him  for  the  next  fortnight  was  attributable  to  his  having 
held  in  his  arms  the  damp  form  of  the  dishevelled  naiad. 
On  her  recovery  —  which  was  effected  by  Mr.  Bouncer 
giving  way  under  his  burden,  and  lowering  it  to  the 
ground  —  she  utterly  refused  to  be  again  carried  in  the 
wagon;  and,  as  walking  was  perhaps  better  for  her 
under  the  circumstances,  she  and  Mr.  Poletiss  were 
escorted  in  procession  to  the  inn  hard  by,  where  dry 
changes  of  costume  were  provided  for  them  by  the  land- 
lord and  his  fair  daughter. 


442   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

As  this  little  misadventure  was  believed  by  all,  save 
the  privileged  few,  to  have  been  purely  the  result  of 
accident,  it  was  not  permitted,  so  Mr.  Bouncer  said,  to 
do  as  Miss  Morkin  had  done  by  him — throw  a  damp 
upon  the  party;  and  as  the  couple  who  had  taken  a 
watery  bath  met  with  great  sympathy,  they  had  no  rea- 


son  to  complain  of  the  incident.  Especially  had  the 
fair  Miss  Morkin  cause  to  rejoice  therein,  for  the  mild 
Mr.  Poletiss  had  to  make  her  so  many  apologies  for 
having  been  the  innocent  cause  of  her  fall,  and,  as  a 
reparation,  felt  bound  to  so  particularly  devote  himself 
to  her  for  the  remainder  of  the  evening,  that  Miss 
Morkin  was  in  the  highest  state  of  feminine  gratification, 
and  observed  to  her  sister,  when  they  were  preparing 
themselves  for  rest,  "  I  am  quite  sure,  Letitia  Jane, 
that  the  gipsy  woman  spoke  the  truth,  and  could  read 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.  443 

the  stars  and  whatdyecallems  as  easy  as  a  b  c.  She 
told  me  that  I  should  be  married  to  a  man  with  light 
whiskers  and  a  soft  voice,  and  that  he  would  come  to 
me  from  over  the  water;  and  it's  quite  evident  that  she 
referred  to  Mr.  Poletiss  and  his  falling  into  the  brook ; 
and  I'm  sure  if  he'd  have  had  a  proper  opportunity  he'd 
have  said  something  definite  to-night"  So  Miss  Eleo- 
nora  Morkin  laid  her  head  upon  her  pillow,  and  dreamt 


of  bride-cake  and  wedding-favours.  Perhaps  another 
young  lady  under  the  same  roof  was  dreaming  the  same 
thing! 

A  ball  at  Honeywood  Hall  terminated  the  pleasures 
of  the  day.  The  guests  had  brought  with  them  a  change 
of  garments,  and  were  therefore  enabled  to  make  their 
reappearance  in  evening  costume.  This  quiet  interval 
for  dressing  was  the  first  moment  that  Verdant  could 
secure  for  sitting  down  by  himself  to  think  over  the 
events  of  the  day.  As  yet  the  time  was  too  early  for 
him  to  reflect  calmly  on  the  step  he  had  taken.  His 


444  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

brain  was  in  that  kind  of  delicious  stupor  which  we 
experience  when,  having  been  aroused  from  sleep,  we 
again  shut  our  eyes  for  a  moment's  doze.  Past,  present, 
and  future  were  agreeably  mingled  in  his  fancies.  One 
thought  quickly  followed  upon  another;  there  was  no 
dwelling  upon  one  special  point,  but  a  succession  of 
crowding  feelings  chased  rapidly  through  his  mind,  all 
pervaded  by  that  sunny  hue  that  shines  out  from  the 
knowledge  of  love  returned. 

He  could  not  rest  until  he  had  told  his  sister  Mary, 
and  made  her  a  sharer  in  his  happiness.  He  found 
her  just  without  the  door,  strolling  up  and  down  the 
drive  with  Charles  Larkyns,  so  he  joined  them ;  and, 
as  they  walked  in  the  pleasant  cool  of  the  evening  down 
a  shady  walk,  he  stammered  out  to  them,  with  many 
blushes,  that  Patty  Honeywood  had  promised  to  be  his 
wife. 

"  Cousin  Patty  is  the  very  girl  for  you  !  "  said  Charles 
Larkyns,  "  the  very  best  choice  you  could  have  made. 
She  will  trim  you  up  and  keep  you  tight,  as  old  Tennyson 
hath  it.  For  what  says  '  the  fat-faced  curate  Edward 
Bull?' 

" '  I  take  it,  God  made  the  woman  for  the  man 

And  for  the  good  and  increase  of  the  world. 

A  pretty  face  is  well,  and  this  is  well, 

To  have  a  dame  indoors,  that  trims  us  up 

And  keeps  us  tight.' 

"Verdant,  you  are  a  lucky  fellow  to  have  won  the 
love  of  such  a  good  and  honest-hearted  girl,  and  if  there 
is  any  room  left  to  mould  you  into  a  better  fellow  than 
what  you  are,  Miss  Patty  is  the  very  one  for  the 
modeller." 

At  the  same  time  that  he  was  thus  being  congratu- 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.  445 

lated  on  his  good  fortune  and  happy  prospects,  Miss 
Patty  was  making  a  similar  confession  to  her  mother 
and  sister,  and  receiving  the  like  good  wishes.  And  it 
is  probable  that  Mrs.  Honeywood  made  no  delay  in 
communicating  this  piece  of  family  news  to  her  liege 
lord  and  master;  for  when,  half  an  hour  afterwards,  Mr. 
Verdant  Green  had  screwed  up  his  courage  sufficiently 
to  enable  him  to  request  a  private  interview  with  Mr. 
Honeywood  in  the  library,  the  Squire  most  humanely 
relieved  him  from  a  large  load  of  embarrassment,  and 
checked  the  hems  and  hums  and  haws  that  our  hero 
was  letting  off  like  squibs,  to  enliven  his  conversation, 
by  saying,  "  I  think  I  guess  the  nature  of  your  errand 
—  to  ask  my  consent  to  your  engagement  with  my 
daughter  Martha?  Am  I  right?" 

And  so,  by  this  grateful  helping  of  a  very  lame  dog 
over  a  very  difficult  stile,  the  diplomatic  relations  and 
circumlocutions  that  are  usually  observed  at  horrible 
interviews  of  this  description  were  altogether  avoided, 
and  the  business  was  speedily  brought  to  a  satisfactory 
termination. 

When  Mr.  Verdant  Green  issued  from  the  library,  he 
felt  himself  at  least  ten  years  older  and  a  much  more 
important  person  than  when  he  had  entered  it,  so 
greatly  is  our  bump  of  self-esteem  increased  by  the 
knowledge  that  there  is  a  being  in  existence  who  holds 
us  dearer  than  aught  else  in  the  whole  wide  world. 
But  not  even  a  misogynist  would  have  dared  to  assert 
that,  in  the  present  instance,  love  was  but  an  excess  of 
self-love ;  for  if  ever  there  was  a  true  attachment  that 
honestly  sprang  from  the  purest  feelings  of  the  heart,  it 
was  that  which  existed  between  Miss  Patty  Honeywood 
and  Mr.  Verdant  Green. 


446  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

What  need  to  dwell  further  on  the  daily  events  of 
that  happy  time  ?  What  need  to  tell  how  the  several 
engagements  of  the  two  Miss  Honeywoods  were  made 
known,  and  how,  with  Miss  Mary  Green  and  Mr.  Charles 
Larkyns,  there  were  thus  three  bond  fide  "  engaged 
couples  "  in  the  house  at  the  same  time,  to  say  nothing 
of  what  looked  like  an  embryo  engagement  between 
Miss  Fanny  Green  and  Mr.  Bouncer?  But  if  this  last- 
named  attachment  should  come  to  anything,  it  would 
probably  be  owing  to  the  severe  aggravation  which  the 
little  gentleman  felt  on  continually  finding  himself  de 
trop  at  some  scene  of  tender  sentiment. 

If,  for  example,  he  entered  the  library,  its  tenants, 
perhaps,  would  be  Verdant  and  Patty,  who  would  be 
discovered,  with  agitated  expressions,  standing  or  sitting 
at  intervals  of  three  yards,  thereby  endeavouring  to 
convey  to  the  spectator  the  idea  that  those  positions  had 
been  relatively  maintained  by  them  up  to  the  moment 
of  his  entering  the  room,  an  idea  which  the  spectator 
invariably  rejected.  When  Mr.  Bouncer  had  retired 
with  figurative  Eastern  apologies  from  the  library,  he 
would  perhaps  enter  {he  drawing-room,  there  to  find 
that  Frederick  Delaval  and  Miss  Kitty  Honeywood  had 
sprung  into  remote  positions  (as  certain  bodies  rebound 
upon  contact),  and  were  regarding  him  as  an  unwelcome 
intruder.  Thence,  with  more  apologies,  he  would  be- 
take himself  to  the  breakfast-room,  to  see  what  was 
going  on  in  that  quarter,  and  there  he  would  flush  a 
third  brace  of  betrotheds,  a  proceeding  that  was  not 
much  sport  to  either  party.  It  could  hardly  be  a  matter 
of  surprise,  therefore,  if  Mr.  Bouncer  should  be  seized 
with  the  prevailing  epidemic,  and,  from  the  circum- 
stances of  his  position,  should  be  driven  more  than  he 


THE  ADVENTURES   OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.      447 

might  otherwise  have  been  into  Miss  Fanny  Green's 
society.  And  though  the  little  gentleman  had  no 
serious  intentions  in  all  this,  yet  it  seemed  highly 
probable  that  something  might  come  of  it,  and  that  Mr. 
Alfred  Brindle  (whose  attentions  at  the  Christmas 
charade-party  at  the  Manor  Green  had  been  of  so 
marked  a  character)  would  have  to  resign  his  pre- 
tensions to  Miss  Fanny  Green's  hand  in  favour  of  Mr. 
Henry  Bouncer. 

But  it  is  needless  to  describe  the  daily  lives  of  these 
betrothed  couples  —  how  they  rode,  and  sketched,  and 
walked,  and  talked,  and  drove,  and  fished,  and  shot,  and 
visited,  and  pic-nic'd —  how  they  went  out  to  sea  in 
Frederick  Delaval's  yacht,  and  were  overtaken  by  rough 
weather,  and  became  so  unromantically  ill  that  they 
prayed  to  be  put  on  shore  again  —  how,  on  a  chosen  day, 
when  the  sea  was  as  calm  as  a  duckpond,  they  sailed 
from  Bamborough  to  the  Longstone,  and  nevertheless 
took  provisions  with  them  for  three  days,  because,  if 
storms  should  arise,  they  might  have  found  it  impossible 
to  put  back  from  the  island  to  the  shore ;  but  how,  never- 
theless, they  were  altogether  fortunate,  and  had  not  to 
lengthen  out  their  pic-nic  to  such  an  uncomfortable 
extent  —  and  how  they  went  over  the  Lighthouse,  and 
talked  about  the  brave  and  gentle  Grace  Darling ;  and 
how  that  handsome,  grey-headed  old  man,  her  father, 
showed  them  the  presents  that  had  been  sent  to  his 
daughter  by  Queen,  and  Lords,  and  Commons,  in  token 
of  her  deed  of  daring;  and  how  he  was  garrulous 
about  them  and  her,  with  the  pardonable  pride  of  a 

"  fond  old  man, 
Fourscore  and  upward," 

who   had   been  the   father   of  such  a  daughter.     It  is 
29 


448  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

needless  to  detail  all  this;  let  us  rather  pass  to  the 
evening  of  the  day  preceding  that  which  should  see  the 
group  of  visitors  on  their  way  back  to  Warwickshire. 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  and  Miss  Patty  Honeywood  have 
been  taking  a  farewell  after-dinner  stroll  in  the  garden, 
and  have  now  wandered  into  the  deserted  breakfast- 
room,  under  the  pretence  of  rinding  a  water-colour 
drawing  of  Honeywood  Hall,  that  the  young  lady  had 
made  for  our  ftero. 

"Now,  you  must  promise  me,"  she  said  to  him, 
"that  you  will  take  it  to  Oxford." 

"Certainly,  if  I  go  there  again.     But  — 

" But,  sir!  but  I  thought  you  had  promised  to  give 
up  to  me  on  that  point.  You  naughty  boy!  if  you 
already  break  your  promises  in  this  way,  who  knows 
but  what  you  will  forget  your  promise  to  remember 
me  when  you  have  gone  away  from  here  ?  " 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  here  did  what  is  usual  in  such 
cases.  He  kissed  the  young  lady,  and  said,  "You 
silly  little  woman!  as  though  I  could  forget  you!"  et 
cetera,  et  cetera. 

"Ah!  I  don't  know,"  said  Miss  Patty. 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  repeated  the  kiss  and  the  et 
ceteras. 

"Very  well,  then,  I  '11  believe  you,"  at  length  said 
Miss  Patty.  "But  I  won't  love  you  one  bit  unless 
you'll  faithfully  promise  that  you  will  go  back  to 
Oxford.  Whatever  would  be  the  use  of  your  giving 
up  your  studies? " 

"A  great  deal  of  use  ;  we  could  be  married  at  once." 

"Oh  no,  we  couldn't.  Papa  is  quite  firm  on  this 
point.  You  know  that  he  thinks  us  much  too  young 
to  be  married." 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.  449 

"But,"  pleaded  our  hero,  "if  we  are  old  enough  to 
fall  in  love,  surely  we  must  be  old  enough  to  be 
married." 

"Oxford  logic  again,  I  suppose,"  laughed  Miss 
Patty,  "but  it  won't  persuade  papa,  nevertheless.  I 
am  not  quite  nineteen,  you  know,  and  papa  has  always 
said  that  I  should  never  be  married  until  I  was  one- 
and-twenty.  By  that  time  you  will  have  done  with 
college  and  taken  your  degree,  and  I  should  so  like  to 
know  that  you  have  passed  all  your  examinations,  and 
are  a  Bachelor  of  Arts." 

"But,"  said  Verdant,  "I  don't  think  I  shall  be  able 
to  pass.  Examinations  are  very  nervous  affairs,  and 
suppose  I  should  be  plucked.  You  would  n't  like  to 
marry  a  man  who  had  disgraced  himself." 

"Do  you  see  that  picture?"  asked  Miss  Patty;  and 
she  directed  Verdant's  attention  to  a  small  but  exqui- 
site oil-painting  by  Maclise.  It  was  in  illustration  of 
one  of  Moore's  melodies,  "Come,  rest  in  this  bosom, 
my  own  stricken  deer!"  The  lover  had  fallen  upon 
one  knee  at  his  mistress's  feet,  and  was  locked  in  her 
embrace.  With  a  look  of  fondest  love  she  had  pil- 
lowed his  head  upon  her  bosom,  as  if  to  assure  him, 
<€  Though  the  herd  have  all  left  thee,  thy  home  it  is 
here." 

"Do  you  see  that  picture?"  asked  Miss  Patty.  "I 
would  do  as  she  did.  If  all  others  rejected  you  yet 
would  I  never.  You  would  still  find  your. home  here," 
and  she  nestled  fondly  to  his  side. 

"But,"  she  said,  after  one  of  those  delightful  pauses 
which  lovers  know  so  well  how  to  fill  up,  "you  must 
not  conjure  up  such  silly  fancies.  Charles  has  often 
told  me  how  easily  you  passed  your  —  Little-go,  is  n't 


4SO  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

it  called  ?  —  and  he  says  you  will  have  no  trouble  in 
obtaining  your  degree." 


"But  two  years  is  such  a  tremendous  time  to  wait," 
urged  our  hero,  who,  like  all  lovers,  was  anxious  to 
crown  his  happiness  without  much  delay. 

"If  you  are  resolved  to  think  it  long,"  said  Miss 
Patty;  "but  it  will  enable  you  to  tell  whether  you 
really  like  me.  You  might,  you  know,  marry  in 
haste,  and  then  have  to  repent  at  leisure." 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   451 

And  the  end  of  this  conversation  was,  that  the  fair 
special  pleader  gained  her  cause,  and  that  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  consented  to  return  to  Oxford,  and  not  to  dream 
of  marriage  until  two  years  had  passed  over  his  head. 

The  next  night  he  slept  at  the  Manor  Green, 
Warwickshire. 


452   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 


CHAPTER   X. 


MR.     VERDANT    GREEN    IS   MADE    A    MASON. 


R.    VERDANT     GREEN    and 
Mr.   Bouncer  were   once   more 
in    Oxford,    and    on   a   certain 
morning   had   turned   into  the 
coffee-room  of  "The  Mitre"  to  "do 
bitters,"   as  Mr.   Bouncer  phrased  the 
act  of  drinking  bitter  beer,  when  said 
the  little  gentleman,  as  he  dangled  his 
legs  from  a  table, 

"Gig-lamps,  old  feller!  you  ain't  a 
mason." 
"  A  mason !  of  course  not. " 
"  And  why  do  you  say  '  of  course  not '  ?  " 
"  Why,  what  would  be  the  use  of  it  ?  " 
"That's  what  parties  always  say,  my  tulip.     Be  a 
mason,  and  then  you  '11  soon  see  the  use  of  it." 
"But  I  am  independent  of  trade." 
"Trade?     Oh,  I  twig.     My  gum,  Gig-lamps!  you  '11 
be  the  death  of  me  some  fine  day.     I  didn't  mean  a 
mason  with  a  hod  of  mortar;    he'd  be  a  hod-fellow, 
don't  you  see? — there's  a  fine  old  crusted  joke  for 
you  —  I  meant  a  mason  with  a  petticut,  a  freemason." 
"Oh,   a  freemason.     Well,   I  really  don't   seem  to 
care   much  about  being  one.     As  far  as   I  can  see, 


THE  ADVENTURES   OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.      453 
there  's  a  great  deal  of  mystery  and  very  little  use  in 

"  Oh,  that 's  because  you  know  nothing  about  it.  If 
you  were  a  mason  you  'd  soon  see  the  use  of  it.  For 
one  thing,  when  you  go  abroad  you  'd  find  it  no  end  of 
a  help  to  you.  If  you'll  stand  another  tankard  of 
beer  I '11  tell  you  an  apropos  tale." 

So  when  a  fresh  supply  of  the  bitter  beverage  had 
been  ordered  and  brought,  little  Mr.  Bouncer,  perched 


upon  the  table,  and  dangling  his  legs,  discoursed  as 
follows :  — 

"  Last  Long,  Billy  Blades  went  on  to  the  continent, 
and  in  the  course  of  his  wanderings  he  came  across 
some  gentlemen  who  turned  out  to  be  bandits,  although 
they  weren't  dressed  in  tall  hats  and  ribbons,  and 
scarves,  and  watches,  and  velvet  sit-upons,  like  you 
see  them  in  pictures  and  at  theatres;  but  they  were 


454   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

rough  customers  for  all  that,  and  they  laid  hands  upon 
Master  Billy,  and  politely  asked  him  for  his  money  or 
his  life.  Billy  wasn't  inclined  to  give  them  either, 
but  he  was  all  alone,  with  nothing  but  his  knapsack 
and  a  stick,  for  it  was  a  frequented  road,  and  he  had 
no  idea  that  there  were  such  things  as  banditti  in 
existence.  Well,  as  you  're  aware,  Gig-lamps,  Billy  's 
a  modern  Hercules,  with  an  unusual  development  of 
biceps,  and  he  not  only  sent  out  left  and  right,  and 
gave  them  a  touch  of  Hammer  Lane  and  the  Putney 
Pet  combined,  but  he  also  applied  his  shoemaker  to 
another  gentleman's  tailor  with  considerable  effect. 
However,  this  did  n't  get  him  kudos,  or  mend  matters 
one  bit;  and,  after  being  knocked  about  much  more 
than  was  agreeable  to  his  feelings,  he  was  forced  to 
yield  to  superior  numbers.  They  gagged  and  blind- 
folded him,  formed  him  into  a  procession,  and  marched 
him  off;  and  when  in  about  half-an-hour  they  again 
let  him  have  the  use  of  his  eyes  and  tongue,  he  found 
himself  in  a  rude  hut,  with  his  banditti  friends  around 
him.  They  had  pistols,  and  poniards,  and  long  knives, 
with  which  they  made  threatening  demonstrations. 
They  had  cut  open  his  knapsack  and  tumbled  out  its 
contents,  but  not  a  sou  could  they  find;  for  Billy,  I 
should  have  told  you,  had  left  the  place  where  he  was 
staying,  for  a  few  days'  walking  tour,  and  he  had  only 
taken  what  little  money  he  required ;  of  this  he  had 
one  or  two  pieces  left,  which  he  gave  them.  But  it 
wouldn't  satisfy  the  beggars,  and  they  signified  to 
him  —  for  you  see,  Gig-lamps,  Billy  didn't  understand 
a  quarter  of  their  lingo  —  that  he  must  fork  out  with 
his  tin  unless  he  wished  to  be  forked  into  with  their 
steel.  Pleasant  position,  wasn't  it?" 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   455 

"  Extremely. " 

"Well,  they  searched  him,  and  when  they  found 
that  they  really  couldn't  get  anything  more  out  of 
him,  they  made  him  understand  that  he  must  write  to 
some  one  for  a  ransom,  and  that  he  wouldn't  be 
released  until  the  money  came.  Pleasant  again, 
wasn't  it?" 

"Excessively.  But  what  has  all  this  to  do  with 
freemasonry? " 

"Gig-lamps,  you're  as  bad  as  a  girl  who  peeps  at 
the  end  of  a  novel  before  she  begins  to  read  it.  Drink 
your  beer,  and  let  me  tell  my  tale  in  my  own  way. 
Well,  now  we  come  to  volume  the  third,  chapter  the 
last.  Master  Billy  found  that  there  was  nothing  for  it 
but  to  obey  orders,  so  he  sent  off  a  note  to  his  banker, 
stating  his  requirements.  As  soon  as  this  business 
was  transacted,  the  amiable  bandits  turned  to  plea- 
sure, and  produced  a  bottle  of  wine,  of  which  they 
politely  asked  Billy  to  partake.  He  thought  at  first 
that  it  might  be  poison,  and  he  wasn't  very  far  wrong, 
for  it  was  most  villanous  stuff.  However,  the  other 
fellows  took  to  it  kindly,  and  got  more  amiable  than 
ever  over  it;  so  much  so  that  they  offered  Billy  one  of 
his  own  weeds,  and  they  all  got  very  jolly,  and  were 
as  thick  as  thieves.  Billy  made  himself  so  much  at 
home  —  he's  a  beggar  that  can  always  adapt  himself 
to  circumstances  —  that  at  last  the  chief  bandit  pro- 
posed his  health,  and  then  they  all  shook  hands  with 
him.  Well,  now  comes  the  moral  of  my  story.  When 
the  captain  of  the  bandits  was  drinking  Billy's  health 
in  this  flipper-shaking  way,  it  all  at  once  occurred  to 
Billy  to  give  him  the  masonic  grip.  I  must  not  tell 
you  what  it  was,  but  he  gave  it,  and,  lo  and  behold ! 


456   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

the  bandit  returned  it.  Both  Billy  and  the  bandit 
opened  their  eyes  pretty  considerably  at  this.  The 
bandit  also  opened  his  arms  and  embraced  his  captive; 
and  the  long  and  short  of  it  was  that  he  begged  Billy's 
pardon  for  the  trouble  and  delay  they  had  caused  him, 
returned  him  his  money  and  knapsack,  and  all  the 
weeds  that  were  not  smoked,  set  aside  the  ransom,  and 
escorted  him  back  to  the  high  road,  guaranteeing  him 
a  free  and  unmolested  passage  if  he  should  come  that 
way  again.  And  all  this  because  Billy  was  a  mason ; 
so  you  see,  Gig-lamps,  what  use  it  is  to  a  feller. 
But,"  said  Mr.  Bouncer,  as  he  ended  his  tale,  "talk- 
ing 's  monstrously  dry  work.  So,  I  looks  towards  you, 
Gig-lamps!  to  which,  if  you  wish  to  do  the  correct 
thing,  you  should  reply  '  I  likewise  bows ! '  And, 
little  Mr.  Bouncer,  winking  affably  to  his  friend,  raised 
the  silver  tankard  to  his  lips,  and  kept  it  there  for  the 
space  of  ten  seconds. 

"I  suppose,"  said  Verdant,  "that  the  real  moral  of 
your  story  is,  that  I  must  become  a  freemason,  because 
I  might  travel  abroad  and  be  attacked  by  a  scamp  who 
was  also  a  freemason.  Now,  I  think  I  had  better 
decline  joining  a  society  that  numbers  banditti  among 
its  members." 

"  Oh,  but  that  was  an  exceptional  case.  I  dare  say, 
if  the  truth  was  known,  Billy's  friend  had  once  been 
a  highly  respectable  party,  and  had  paid  his  water-rate 
and  income-tax  like  any  other  civilised  being.  But 
all  masons  are  not  like  Billy's  friend,  and  the  more 
you  know  of  them  the  more  you  '11  thank  me  for  hav- 
ing advised  you  to  join  th,em.  But  it  isn't  altogether 
that.  Every  Oxford  man  who  is  really  a  man  is  a 
mason,  and  that,  Gig-lamps,  is  quite  a  sufficient  reason 
why  you  should  be  one." 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   457 

So  Verdant  said,  Very  well,  he  had  no  objection; 
and  little  Mr.  Bouncer  promised  to  arrange  the 
necessary  preliminaries.  What  these  were  will  be 
seen  if  we  advance  the  progress  of  events  a  few  days 
later. 

Messrs.  Bouncer,  Blades,  Foote,  and  Flexible 
Shanks  —  who  were  all  masons,  and  could  affix  to  their 
names  more  letters  than  members  of  far  more  learned 
societies  could  do  —  had  undertaken  that  Mr.  Verdant 
Green's  initiation  into  the  mysteries  of  the  craft 
should  be  altogether  a  private  one.  Verdant  felt  that 
this  was  exceedingly  kind  of  them;  for,  if  it  must  be 
confessed,  he  had  adopted  the  popular  idea  that  the 
admission  of  members  was  in  some  way  or  other  con- 
nected with  the  free  use  of  a  red-hot  poker,  and  though 
he  was  reluctant  to  breathe  his  fears  on  this  point,  yet 
he  looked  forward  to  the  ceremony  with  no  little 
dread.  He  was  therefore  immensely  relieved  when 
he  found  that,  by  the  kindness  of  his  friends,  his  in- 
itiation would  not  take  place  in  the  presence  of 
the  assembled  members  of  the  Lodge. 

For  a  week  Mr.  Verdant  Green  was  benevolently 
left  to  ponder  and  speculate  on  the  ceremonial  horrors 
that  would  attend  his  introduction  to  the  mysteries  of 
freemasonry,  and  by  the  appointed  day  he  had  worked 
himself  into  such  a  state  of  nervous  excitement  that 
he  was  burning  more  with  the  fever  of  apprehension 
than  that  of  curiosity.  There  was  no  help  for  him, 
however;  he  had  promised  to  go  through  the  ordeal, 
whatever  it  might  be,  and  he  had  no  desire  to  be 
laughed  at  for  having  abandoned  his  purpose  through 
fear. 

The  Lodge  of  Cemented  Bricks,  of  which  Messrs. 


458  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

Bouncer  and  Co.  had  promised  to  make  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  a  member,  occupied  spacious  rooms  in  a  certain 
large  house  in  a  certain  small  street  not  a  hundred 
miles  from  the  High  Street.  The  ascent  to  the  Lodge- 
room,  which  was  at  the  top  of  the  house,  was  by  a 
rather  formidable  flight  of  stairs,  up  which  Mr.  Ver- 
dant Green  tremblingly  climbed,  attended  by  Mr. 
Bouncer  as  his  fidus  Achates.  The  little  gentleman, 
in  that  figurative  Oriental  language  to  which  he  was 
so  partial,  considerately  advised  his  friend  to  keep  up 
his  pecker  and  never  say  die;  but  his  exhortation  of 
"Now,  don't  you  be  frightened,  Gig-lamps,  we  shan't 
hurt  you  more  than  we  can  help,"  only  increased  the 
anguish  of  our  hero's  sensations;  and  when  at  the  last 
he  found  himself  at  the  top  of  the  stairs,  and  before  a 
door  which  was  guarded  by  Mr.  Foote,  who  held  a 
drawn  sword,  and  was  dressed  in  unusually  full  masonic 
costume,  and  looked  stern  and  unearthly  in  the  dusky 
gloom,  he  turned  back,  and  would  have  made  his 
escape  had  he  not  been  prevented  by  Mr.  "  Foote- 
lights'  "  naked  weapon.  Mr.  Bouncer  had  previously 
cautioned  him  that  he  must  not  in  any  way  evince  a 
recognition  of  his  friends  until  the  ceremonies  of  the 
initiation  were  completed,  and  that  the  infringement 
of  this  command  would  lead  to  his  total  expulsion 
from  his  friends'  society.  Mr.  Bouncer  had  also  told 
him  that  he  must  not  be  surprised  at  anything  that  he 
might  see  or  hear;  which,  under  the  circumstances, 
was  very  seasonable  as  well  as  sensible  advice.  Mr. 
Verdant  Green,  therefore,  submitted  to  his  fate,  and 
to  Mr.  Footelights'  drawn  sword. 

" The  first  step,  Gig-lamps,"  whispered  Mr.  Bouncer, 
"is  the  blindfolding;  the  next  is  the  challenge,  which 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   459 

is  in  Coptic,  the  original  language,  you  know,  of  the 
members  of  the  first  Lodge  of  Cemented  Bricks. 
Swordbearer  and  Deputy  Past  Pantile  Foote  will  do 
this  for  you.  I  must  go  and  put  my  things  on. 
Remember,  you  mustn't  recognise  me  when  you  come 
into  the  Lodge.  Adoo,  Samiwel!  keep  your  pecker 
up."  Mr.  Verdant  Green  wrung  his  friend's  hand, 
pocketed  his  spectacles,  and  submitted  to  be  blind- 
folded. 

Mr.  Footelights  then  took  him  by  the  hand,  and 
knocked  three  times  at  the  door.  A  voice,  which 
Verdant  recognised  as  that  of  Mr.  Blades,  inquired, 
"Kilaricum  luricum  tweedlecum  twee?" 

To  which  Mr.  Footelights  replied,  "Astrakansa 
siphonia  bostrukizon ! "  and  laid  the  cold  steel  blade 
against  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  cheek  in  a  way  which 
made  that  gentleman  shiver. 

Mr.  Blades'  voice  then  said,  "Swordbearer  and 
Deputy  Past  Pantile,  pass  in  the  neophyte  who  seeks 
to  be  a  Cemented  Brick;  "  and  Mr.  Verdant  Green  was 
thereupon  guided  into  the  room. 

"Gropelos  toldery  lol!  remove  the  handkerchief," 
said  the  voice  of  Mr.  Blades. 

The  glare  from  numerous  wax-lights,  reflected  as  it 
was  from  polished  gold,  silver,  and  marble,  affected 
Mr.  Verdant  Green's  bandaged  eyes,  and  prevented 
him  for  a  time  from  seeing  anything  distinctly,  but 
on  Mr.  Foote  motioning  to  him  that  he  might  resume 
his  spectacles,  he  was  soon  enabled  by  their  aid  to 
survey  the  scene.  Around  him  stood  Mr.  Bouncer, 
Mr.  Blades,  Mr.  Flexible  Shanks,  and  Mr.  Foote. 
Each  held  a  drawn  and  gleaming  sword;  each  wore 
aprons,  scarves,  or  mantles;  each  was  decorated  with 


460       THE   ADVENTURES    OF    MR.  VERDANT   GREEN. 

mystic  masonic  jewellery;  each  was  silent  and  pre- 
ternaturally  serious.  The  room  was  large  and  was  fur- 
nished with  the  greatest  splendour,  but  its  contents 
seemed  strange  and  mysterious  to  our  hero's  eyes. 

"  Advance  the  neophyte !  Oodiny  dulipy  sing!  "  said 
Mr.  Blades,  who  walked  to  the  other  end  of  the  room, 
stepped  upon  a  dais,  ascended  his  throne,  and  laid 
aside  the  sword  for  a  sceptre.  Mr.  Foote  and  Mr. 
Flexible  Shanks  then  took  Mr.  Verdant  Green  by 
either  shoulder,  and  escorted  him  up  the  room  with 
their  drawn  swords  turned  towards  him,  while  Mr. 
Bouncer  followed,  and  playfully  prodded  him  in  the 
rear. 

In  the  front  of  Mr.  Blades'  throne  there  was  a  spe- 
cies of  altar,  of  which  the  chief  ornaments  were  a  large 
sword,  a  skull  and  cross-bones,  illuminated  by  a  great 
wax  light  placed  in  a  tall  silver  candlestick.  Silver 
globes  and  pillars  stood  upon  the  dais  on  either  side 
of  the  throne;  and  luxuriously-velveted  chairs  and 
rows  of  seats  were  ranged  around.  Before  the  altar- 
like  erection  a  small  funereal  black  and  white  carpet 
was  spread  upon  the  black  and  white  lozenged  floor; 
and  on  this  carpet  were  arranged  the  following  arti- 
cles:—  a  money  chest,  a  ballot  box  (very  like  Miss 
Bouncer's  Camera),  two  pairs  of  swords,  three  little 
mallets,  and  a  skull  and  cross-bones  —  the  display  of 
which  emblems  of  mortality  confirmed  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  in  his  previously-formed  opinion,  that  the 
Lodge-room  was  a  veritable  chamber  of  horrors,  and 
he  would  willingly  have  preferred  a  visit  to  that 
"lodge  in  some  vast  wilderness,"  for  which  the  poet 
sighed,  and  to  have  foregone  all  those  promised  bene- 
fits that  were  to  be  derived  from  Freemasonry. 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN,   461 

But  wishing  could  not  save  him.  He  had  no  sooner 
arrived  in  front  of  the  skull  and  cross-bones  than  the 
procession  halted,  and  Mr.  Blades,  rising  from  his 
throne,  said,  "  Let  the  Sword-bearer  and  Deputy  Past 
Pantile,  together  with  the  Provincial  Grand  Mortar- 
board, do  their  duty!  Ramohun  roy  azalea  tong! 
Produce  the  poker!  Past  Grand  Hodman,  remain  on 
guard ! " 

Mr.  Foote  and  Mr.  Flexible  Shanks  removed  their 
hands  and  swords  from  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  and  walked 
solemnly  down  the  room,  leaving  little  Mr.  Bouncer 
standing  beside  our  hero,  and  holding  the  drawn 
sword  above  his  head.  Mr.  Foote  and  Mr.  Flexible 
Shanks  returned,  escorting  between  them  the  poker. 
It  was  cold!  that  was  a  relief.  But  how  long  was  it  to 
remain  so? 

"  Past  Grand  Hodman !  "  said  Mr.  Blades,  "  instruct 
the  neophyte  in  the  primary  proceedings  of  the 
Cemented  Bricks." 

At  Mr.  Bouncer's  bidding,  Mr.  Verdant  Green  then 
sat  down  upon  the  lozenged  floor,  and  held  his  knees 
with  his  hands.  Mr.  Flexible  Shanks  then  brought  to 
him  the  poker,  and  said,  "Tetrao  urogallus  orygometra 
crex ! "  The  poker  was  then,  by  the  assistance  of  Mr. 
Foote,  placed  under  the  knees  and  over  the  arms  of 
Mr.  Verdant  Green,  who  thus  sat  like  a  trussed  fowl, 
and  equally  helpless. 

"  Recite  to  the  neophyte  the  oath  of  the  Cemented 
Bricks!  "  said  Mr.  Blades. 

"  Ramphastidinae  toco  scolopendra  tinnunculus  crac- 
ticornis  bos !  "  exclaimed  Mr.  Flexible  Shanks. 

"Do  you  swear  to  obey  through  fire  and  water,  and 
bricks  and  mortar,  the  words  of  this  oath?"  asked 
Mr.  Blades  from  his  throne. 


462  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

"  You  must  say,  I  do ! "  whispered  Mr.  Bouncer  to 
Mr.  Verdant  Green,  who  accordingly  muttered  the 
response. 

"  Let  the  oath  be  witnessed  and  registered  by 
Swordbearer  and  Deputy  Past  Pantile,  Provincial 
Grand  Mortar-board,  and  Past  Grand  Hodman ! "  said 


Mr.  Blades;  and  the  three  gentlemen  thus  designated 
stood  on  either  side  of  and  behind  Mr.  Verdant  Green, 
and,  with  theatrical  gestures,  clashed  their  swords  over 
his  head. 

"Keemo  kimo  lingtum  nipcat!  let  him  rise,"  said 
Mr.  Blades;  and  the  poker  was  thereupon  withdrawn 
from  its  position,  and  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  being  un- 
trussed,  but  somewhat  stiff  and  cramped,  was  assisted 
upon  his  legs. 

He  hoped  that  his  troubles  were  now  at  an  end;  but 
this  pleasing  delusion  was  speedily  dispelled,  by  Mr. 


THE   ADVENTURES   OF   MR.   VERDANT   GREEN.      463 

Blades  saying  — "The  next  part  of  the  ceremonial  is 
the  delivery  of  the  red-hot  poker.  Let  the  poker  be 
heated!" 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  went  chill  with  dread  as  he 
watched  the  terrible  instrument  borne  from  the  room 
by  Mr.  Foote  and  Mr.  Flexible  Shanks,  while  Mr. 
Bouncer  resumed  his  guard  over  him  with  the  drawn 
sword.  All  was'  quiet  save  a  smothered  sound  from 
the  other  side  of  the  door,  which,  under  other  circum- 
stances, Verdant  would  have  taken  for  suppressed 
laughter;  but,  the  solemnity  of  the  proceedings 
repelled  the  idea. 

At  length  the  poker  was  brought  in,  red-hot  and 
smoking,  whereupon  Mr.  Blades  left  his  throne  and 
walked  to  the  other  end  of  the  room,  and  there  took 
his  seat  upon  a  second  throne,  before  which  was  a 
second  altar,  garnished  —  as  Mr.  Verdant  Green  soon 
perceived,  to  his  horror  and  amazement  —  with  a 
human  head  (or  the  representation  of  one)  projecting 
from  a  black  cloth  that  concealed  the  neck,  and, 
doubtless,  the  marks  of  decapitation.  Its  ghastly 
features  were  clearly  displayed  by  the  aid  of  a  wax 
light  placed  in  a  tall  silver  candlestick  by  its  side. 

Mr.  Blades  received  the  poker  from  Mr.  Foote,  and 
commanded  the  neophyte  to  advance.  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  did  so,  and  took  up  a  trembling  position  to  the 
left  of  the  throne,  while  Mr.  Foote  and  Mr.  Flexible 
Shanks  proceeded  to  the  organ,  which  was  to  the  right 
of  the  entrance  door.  Mr.  Blades  then  delivered  the 
poker  to  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  who,  at  first,  imagined 
that  he  was  required  to  seize  it  by  its  red-hot  end,  but 
was  greatly  relieved  in  his  mind  when  he  found  that 
he  had  merely  to  take  it  by  the  handle,  and  repeat  (as 
30 


464  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

well  as  he  could)  a  form  of  gibberish  that  Mr.  Blades 
dictated.  Having  done  this  he  was  desired  to  transfer 
the  poker  to  the  Past  Grand  Hodman  —  Mr.  Bouncer. 

He  had  just  come  to  the  joyful  conclusion  that  the 
much  dreaded  poker  portion  of  the  business  was  now 
at  an  end,  when  Mr.  Blades  ruthlessly  cast  a  dark 
cloud  over  his  gleam  of  happiness,  by  saying  —  "The 
next  part  of  the  ceremony  will  be  the  branding  with 
the  red-hot  poker.  Let  the  organist  call  in  the  aid  of 
music  to  drown  the  shrieks  of  the  victim  ! "  and,  there- 
upon, Mr.  Foote  struck  up  (with  the  full  swell  of  the 
organ)  a  heart-rending  air  that  sounded  like  "the  cries 
of  the  wounded  "  from  the  "  Battle  of  Prague." 

Now,  it  happened  that  little  Mr.  Bouncer  —  like  his 
sister  —  was  subject  to  uncontrollable  fits  of  laughter 
at  improper  seasons.  For  the  last  half-hour  he  had 
suffered  severely  from  the  torture  of  suppressed  mirth, 
and,  now,  as  he  saw  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  climax  of 
fright  at  the  anticipated  branding,  human  nature  could 
not  longer  bear  up  against  an  explosion  of  merriment, 
and  Mr.  Bouncer  burst  into  shouts  of  laughter,  and, 
with  convulsive  sobs,  flung  himself  upon  the  nearest 
seat.  His  example  was  contagious;  Mr.  Blades,  Mr. 
Foote,  and  Mr.  Flexible  Shanks,  one  after  another, 
joined  in  the  roar,  and  relieved  their  pent-up  feelings 
with  a  rush  of  uproarious  laughter. 

At  the  first  Mr.  Verdant  Green  looked  surprised, 
and  in  doubt  whether  or  no  this  was  but  a  part  of  the 
usual  proceedings  attendant  upon  the  initiation  of  a 
member  into  the  Lodge  of  Cemented  Bricks.  Then 
the  truth  dawned  upon  him,  and  he  blushed  up  to  his 
spectacles. 

"  Sold  again,  Gig-lamps ! "  shouted  little  Mr.  Boun- 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 


465 


cer.  "I  didn't  think  we  could  carry  out  the  joke  so 
far.  I  wonder  if  this  will  be  hoax  the  last  for  Mr. 
Verdant  Green  ? " 

"I  hope  so  indeed!"  replied  our  hero;  "for  I  have 
no  wish  to  continue  a  Freshman  all  through  my  college 
life.  But  I  '11  give  you  full  liberty  to  hoax  me  again 
—  if  you  can."  And  Mr.  Verdant  Green  joined  good- 
humouredly  in  the  laughter  raised  at  his  own  expense. 

Not  many  days  after  this  he  was  really  made  a 
Mason;  although  the  Lodge  was  not  that  of  the 
Cemented  Bricks,  or  the  forms  of  initiation  those 
invented  by  his  four  friends. 


466   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 


CHAPTER   XI. 

MR.    VERDANT    GREEN    BREAKFASTS    WITH    MR.    BOUNCER, 
AND    ENTERS    FOR    A    GRIND. 


ITTLE  Mr.  Bouncer  had 
abandoned  his  intention 
of  obtaining  a  licet  migrare 
to  "the  Tavern,"  and  had 
decided  (the  Dons  being 
propitious)  to  remain  at  Brazenface,  in 
the  nearer  neighbourhood  of  his  friends. 
He  had  resumed  his  reading  for  his  degree; 
and,  at  various  odd  times,  and  in  various  odd  ways,  he 
crammed  himself  for  his  forthcoming  examination 
with  the  most  confused  and  confusing  scraps  of  knowl- 
edge. He  was  determined,  he  said,  "to  stump  the 
examiners." 

One  day,  when  Mr.  Verdant  Green  had  come  from 
morning  chapel,  and  had  been  refreshed  by  the  perusal 
of  an  unusually  long  epistle  from  his  charming  North- 
umbrian correspondent,  he  betook  himself  to  his 
friend's  rooms,  and  found  the  little  gentleman  —  not- 
withstanding that  he  was  expecting  a  breakfast  party 
—  still  luxuriating  in  bed.  His  curly  black  wig 
reposed  on  its  block  on  the  dressing  table,  and  the 
closely-shaven  skull  that  it  daily  decorated  shone 
whiter  than  the  pillow  that  it  pressed;  for  although 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.  467 

Mr.  Bouncer  considered  that  night-caps  might  be  worn 
by  "long-tailed  babbies,"  and  by  "old  birds  that  were 
as  bald  as  coots,"  yet,  he,  being  a  young  bird  — though 
not  a  baby  — declined  to  ensconce  his  head  within  any 
kind  of  white  covering,  after  the  fashion  of  the  por- 
traits of   the   poet   Cowper.     The   smallness   of   Mr. 
Bouncer's  dormitory  caused  his  wash-hand-stand  to  be 
brought   against    his 
bed's  head;  and  the 
little  gentleman  had 
availed     himself     of 
this  convenience,   to 
place      within      the 
basin    a  blubbering, 
bubbling,       gurgling 
hookah,  from  which  a 
long  stem  curled   in 
vine-like        tendrils, 
until  it  found  a  rest- 
ing    place     in     Mr. 
Bouncer's    mouth. 
The  little  gentleman  lay  comfortably  propped  on  pil- 
lows, with  his  hands  tucked  under  his  head,  and  his 
knees  crooked  up  to  form  a  rest  for  a  manuscript  book 
of  choice    "crams,"   that  had   been  gleaned   by  him 
from  those  various  fields  of  knowledge  from  which  the 
true  labourer  reaps  so  rich  and  ripe  a  store.     Huz  and 
Buz  reposed  on  the  counterpane,  to  complete  this  pic- 
ture of  Reading  for  a  Pass. 

"The  top  o'  the  morning  to  you,  Gig-lamps!"  he 
said,  as  he  saluted  his  friend  with  a  volley  of  smoke  — 
a  salute  similar  as  to  the  smoke,  but  superior,  in  the 
absence  of  noise  and  slightness  of  expense,  to  that 


468   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

which  would  have  greeted  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  approach 
had  he  been  of  the  royal  blood  —  "  here  I  am !  sweat- 
ing away,  as  usual,  for  that  beastly  examination." 
(It  was  a  popular  fallacy  with  Mr.  Bouncer,  that  he 
read  very  hard  and  very  regularly.)  "I  thought  I'd 
cut  chapel  this  morning,  and  coach  up  for  my  Divinity 
paper.  Do  you  know  who  Hadassah  was,  old  feller?  " 

"  No  !     I  never  heard  of  her. " 

"  Ha !  you  may  depend  upon  it,  those  are  the  sort  of 
questions  that  pluck  a  man,"  said  Mr.  Bouncer,  who 
thought  —  as  others  like  him  have  thought  —  that  the 
getting  up  of  a  few  abstruse  proper  names  would  be 
proof  sufficient  for  a  thorough  knowledge  of  the  whole 
subject.  "  But  I  'm  not  going  to  let  them  gulph  me  a 
second  time ;  though,  they  ought  not  to  plough  a  man 
who  's  been  at  Harrow,  ought  they,  old  feller? " 

"  Don't  make  bad  jokes." 

"  So  I  shall  work  well  at  these  crams,  although,  of 
course,  I  shall  put  on  my  examination  coat,  and  trust 
a  good  deal  to  my  cards,  and  watch  papers,  and  shirt 
wristbands,  and  so  on." 

"I  should  have  thought,"  said  Verdant,  "that  after 
those  sort  of  crutches  had  broken  down  with  you  once, 
you  would  not  fly  to  their  support  a  second  time." 

"Oh,  I  shall  though!  —  I  must,  you  know!"  replied 
the  infatuated  Mr.  Bouncer.  "The  Mum  cut  up  doosid 
this  last  time;  you  've  no  idea  how  she  turned  on  the 
main,  and  did  the  briny !  and,  I  must  make  things 
sure  this  time.  After  all,  I  believe  it  was  those  Sec- 
ond Aorists  that  ploughed  me." 

It  is  remarkable,  that,  not  only  in  Mr.  Bouncer's 
case,  but  in  many  others,  also,  of  a  like  nature,  gen- 
tlemen who  have  been  plucked  can  always  attribute 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.  469 

their  totally-unexpected  failures  to  a  Second  Aorist, 
or  a  something  equivalent  to  "the  salmon,"  or  "the 
melted  butter,"  or  "that  glass  of  sherry,"  which  are 
recognised  as  the  causes  for  so  many  morning  reflec- 
tions. This  curious  circumstance  suggests  an  inter- 
esting source  of  inquiry  for  the  speculative. 

"Well!"  said  Mr.  Bouncer  meditatively;  "I'm  not 
so  sorry,  after  all,  that  they  cut  up  rough,  and  ploughed 
me.  It 's  enabled  me,  you  see,  to  come  back  here, 
and  be  jolly.  I  shouldn't  have  known  what  to  do 
with  myself  away  from  Oxford.  A  man  can't  be 
always  going  to  feeds  and  tea-fights;  and  that's  all 
that  I  have  to  do  when  I  'm  down  in  the  country  with 
the  Mum  —  she  likes  me,  you  know,  to  do  the  filial, 
and  go  about  with  her.  And  it 's  not  a  bad  thing  to 
have  something  to  work  at !  it  keeps  what  you  call 
your  intellectual  faculties  on  the  move.  I  don't  won- 
der at  thingumbob  crying  when  he  'd  no  more  what- 
dyecallems  to  conquer!  he  was  regularly  used  up,  I 
dare  say." 

Mr.  Bouncer,  upon  this,  rolled  out  some  curls  of 
smoke  from  the  corner  of  his  mouth,  and  then  observed, 
"  I  'm  glad  I  started  this  hookah !  '  the  judicious 
Hooker,'  ain't  it,  Gig-lamps?  it  is  so  jolly,  at  night, . 
to  smoke  oneself  to  sleep,  with  the  tail  end  of  it  in 
one's  mouth,  and  to  find  it  there  in  the  morning,  all 
ready  for  a  fresh  start.  It  makes  me  get  on  with  my 
coaching  like  a  house  on  fire." 

Here  there  was  a  rush  of  men  into  the  adjacent 
room,  who  hailed  Mr.  Bouncer  as  a  disgusting  Sybarite, 
and,  flinging  their  caps  and  gowns  into  a  corner,  forth- 
with fell  upon  the  good  fare  which  Mr.  Robert  Filcher 
had  spread  before  them ;  at  the  same  time  carrying  on 


470   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  .MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

a  lively  conversation  with  their  host,  the  occupant  of 
the  bed-room.  "Well!  I  suppose  I  must  turn  out, 
and  do  tumbles ! "  said  Mr.  Bouncer.  So  he  got  up, 
and  went  into  his  tub;  and,  presently,  sat  down  com- 
fortably to  breakfast,  in  his  shirt-sleeves. 

When  Mr.  Bouncer  had  refreshed  his  inner  man,  and 
strengthened  himself  for  his  severe  course  of  reading 
by  the  consumption  of  a  singular  mixture  of  coffee 
and  kidneys,  beef-steaks  and  beer;  and  when  he  had 
rested  from  his  exertions,  and  had  resumed  his  pipe  — 
which  was  not  "the  judicious  Hooker,"  but  a  short 
clay,  smoked  to  a  swarthy  hue,  and  on  that  account,  as 
well  as  from  its  presumed  medicatory  power,  called 
"the  Black  Doctor,"  —  just  then,  Mr.  Smalls,  and  a 
detachment  of  invited  guests,  who  had  been  to  an  early 
lecture,  dropped  in  to  breakfast.  Huz  and  Buz,  setting 
up  a  terrific  bark,  darted  towards  a  minute  specimen 
of  the  canine  species,  which,  with  the  aid  of  a  power- 
ful microscope,  might  have  been  discovered  at  the  feet 
of  its  proud  proprietor,  Mr.  Smalls.  It  was  the  first 
dog  of  its  kind  imported  into  Oxford,  and  it  was  des- 
tined to  set  on  foot  a  fashion  that  soon  bade  fair  to 
drive  out  of  the  field  those  long-haired  Skye-terriers, 
with  two  or  three  specimens  of  which  species,  he 
entered  the  room. 

"Kill  'em,  Lympy!"  said  Mr.  Smalls  to  his  pet, 
who,  with  an  extreme  display  of  pugnacity,  was  sub- 
mitting to  the  curious  and  minute  inspection  of  Huz 
and  Buz.  "  Lympy  "  was  a  black  and  tan  terrier,  with 
smooth  hair,  glossy  coat,  bead-like  eyes,  cropped  ears, 
pointed  tail,  limbs  of  a  cobwebby  structure,  and  so 
diminutive  in  its  proportions,  that  its  owner  was 
accustomed  to  carry  it  inside  the  breast  of  his  waist- 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF   MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.     471 

coat,  as  a  precaution,  probably,  against  its  being 
blown  away.  And  it  was  called  "Lympy,"  as  an 
abbreviation  of  "Olympus,"  which  was  the  name 
derisively  given  to  it  for  its  smallness,  on  the  lucus  a 
non  lucendo  principle  that  miscalls  the  lengthy  "  brief  " 
of  the  barrister,  the  "  living  "  —  not-sufficient-to- 
support-life  —  of  the  poor  vicar,  the  uncertain  "certain 
age,"  the  unfair  "fare,"  and  the  son-ruled  "governor." 

"  Lympy  "  was  placed  upon  the  table,  in  order  that 
he  might  be  duly  admired; 

an  exaltation  at  which  Huz  7BJB         Pfl&^^k  r  ) 

and  Buz  and  the  Skye-ter-  tm  P*  IP§B4  ' 
riers  chafed  with  jealousy. 
"  Be  quiet,  you  beggars ! 
he's  prettier  than  you!" 
said  Mr.  Smalls:  where- 
upon, a  mild  punster  pres- 
ent propounded  the  canine 
query,  "Did  it  ever  occur 
to  a  cur  to  be  lauded  to  the  Skyes  ?  "  at  which  there 
was  a  shout  of  indignation,  and  he  was  sconced  by  the 
unanimous  vote  of  the  company. 

"Lympy  ain't  a  bad  style  of  dog,"  said  little  Mr. 
Bouncer,  as  he  puffed  away  at  the  Black  Doctor. 
"He'd  be  perfect,  if  he  hadn't  one  fault" 

"And  what's  his  fault,  pray?"  asked  his  anxious 
owner. 

"There's  rather  too  much  of  him!"  observed  Mr. 
Bouncer,  gravely.  "  Robert !  "  shouted  the  little  gen- 
tleman to  his  scout ;  "  Robert !  doose  take  the  feller, 
he  's  always  out  of  the  way  when  he  's  wanted."  And, 
when  the  performance  of  a  variety  of  octaves  on  the 
post-horn,  combined  with  the  free  use  of  the  speaking- 


472  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

trumpet,  had  brought  Mr.  Robert  Filcher  to  his 
presence,  Mr.  Bouncer  received  him  with  objurga- 
tions, and  ordered  another  tankard  of  beer  from  the 
buttery. 

In  the  mean  time,  the  conversation  had  taken  a 
sporting  turn.  "Do  you  meet  Drake's  to-morrow?" 
asked  Mr.  Blades  of  Mr.  Four-in-hand  Fosbrooke. 

"No!  the  old  Berkshire,"  was  the  reply. 

"Where's  the  meet?" 

"At  Buscot  Park.  I  send  my  horse  to  Thompson's, 
at  the  Farringdon-Road  station,  and  go  to  meet  him 
by  rail." 

"  And,  what  about  the  Grind  ?  "  asked  Mr.  Smalls  of 
the  company  generally. 

"  Oh  yes !  "  said  Mr.  Bouncer,  "  let  us  talk  over  the 
Grind.  Gig-lamps,  old  feller,  you  must  join." 

"Certainly,  if  you  wish  it,"  said  Mr.  Verdant  Green, 
who,  however,  had  as  little  idea  as  the  man  in  the 
moon  what  they  were  talking  about.  But,  as  he  was 
no  longer  a  Freshman,  he  was  unwilling  to  betray  his 
ignorance  on  any  matter  pertaining  to  college  life;  so, 
he  looked  much  wiser  than  he  felt,  and  saved  himself 
from  saying  more  on  the  subject,  by  sipping  a  hot 
spiced  draught,  from  a  silver  cup  that  was  pushed 
round  to  him. 

"That 's  the  very  cup  that  Four-in-hand  Fosbrooke 
won  at  the  last  Grind,"  said  Mr.  Bouncer. 

"  Was  it  indeed ! "  safely  answered  Mr.  Verdant 
Green,  who  looked  at  the  silver  'cup  (on  which  was 
engraven  a  coat-of-arms  with  the  words  "  Brazenface 
Grind.  — Fosbrooke,")  and  wondered  what  "a  Grind" 
might  be.  A  medical  student  would  have  told  him 
that  a  "  Grind  "  meant  the  reading  up  for  an  examina- 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   473 

tion  under  the  tuition  of  one  who  was  familiarly 
termed  "a  Grinder"  -a  process  which  Mr.  Verdant 
Green's  friends  would  phrase  as  "Coaching"  under  a 
"  Coach ; "  but  the  conversation  that  followed  upon 
Mr.  Smalls'  introduction  of  the  subject,  made  our 
hero  aware,  that,  to  a  University  man,  a  Grind  did 
not  possess  any  reading  signification,  but  a  riding  one. 
In  fact,  it  was  a  steeple-chase,  slightly  varying  in  its 
details  according  to  the  college  that  patronised  the 
pastime.  At  Brazenface,  "the  Grind"  was  usually 
over  a  known  line  of  country,  marked  out  with  flags 
by  the  gentleman  (familiarly  known  as  Anniseed)  who 
attended  to  this  business,  and  full  of  leaps  of  various 
kinds,  and  various  degrees  of  stiffness.  By  sweep- 
stakes and  subscriptions,  a  sum  of  from  ten  to  fifteen 
pounds  was  raised  for  the  purchase  of  a  silver  cup, 
wherewith  to  grace  the  winner's  wines  and  breakfast 
parties ;  but,  as  the  winner  had  occasionally  been 
known  to  pay  as  much  as  fifteen  pounds  for  the  day's 
hire  of  the  blood  horse  who  was  to  land  him  first  at  the 
goal,  and  as  he  had,  moreover,  to  discharge  many  other 
little  expenses,  including  the  by  no  means  little  one 
of  a  dinner  to  the  losers,  the  conqueror  for  the  cup 
usually  obtained  more  glory  than  profit. 

"I  suppose  you'll  enter  '  Tearaway, '  as  before?" 
asked  Mr.  Smalls  of  Mr.  Fosbrooke. 

"Yes!  for  I  want  to  get  him  in  condition  for  the 
Aylesbury  steeple-chase,"  replied  the  owner  of  "Tear- 
away,"  who  was  rather  too  fond  of  vaunting  his  blue 
silk  and  black  cap  before  the  eyes  of  the  sporting 
public. 

"  You  've  not  much  to  fear  from  this  man,"  said  Mr. 
Bouncer,  indicating  (with  the  Black  Doctor)  the  stal- 


474   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

wart  form  of  Mr.  Blades.  "Billy's  too  big  in  the 
Westphalias.  Gig-lamps,  you  're  the  boy  to  cook 
Fosbrooke's  goose.  Don't  you  remember  what  old 
father-in-law  Honeywood  told  you,  — that  you  might, 
would,  should,  and  could,  ride  like  a  Shafto?  and  lives 
there  a  man  with  soul  so  dead,  — as  Shikspur  or  some 
other  cove  observes  —  who  wouldn't  like  to  show  what 
stuff  he  was  made  of?  I  can  put  you  up  to  a  wrinkle," 
said  the  little  gentleman,  sinking  his  voice  to  a  whis- 
per. "Tollitt  has  got  a  mare  who  can  lick  '  Tearaway  ' 
into  fits.  She  is  as  easy  as  a  chair,  and  jumps  like  a 
cat.  All  that  you  have  to  do  is  to  sit  back,  clip  the 
pig-skin,  and  send  her  at  it;  and,  she  '11  take  you  over 
without  touching  a  twig.  He  'd  promised  her  to  me, 
but  I  intend  to  cut  the  Grind  altogether;  it  interferes 
too  much,  don't  you  see,  with  my  coaching.  So  I 
can  make  Tollitt  keep  her  for  you.  Think  how 
well  the  cup  would  look  on  your  side-board,  when 
you  've  blossomed  into  a  parient,  and  changed  the 
adorable  Patty  into  Mrs.  Verdant.  Think  of  that, 
Master  Gig-lamps ! " 

Mr.  Bouncer's  argument  was  a  persuasive  one,  and 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  consented  to  be  one  of  the  twelve 
gentlemen,  who  cheerfully  paid  their  sovereigns  to  be 
allowed  to  make  their  appearance  as  amateur  jockeys 
at  the  forthcoming  Grind.  After  much  debate,  "the 
Wet  Ensham  course "  was  decided  upon ;  and  three 
o'clock  in  the  afternoon  of  that  day  fortnight  was  fixed 
for  the  start.  Mr.  Smalls  gained  kudos  by  offering  to 
give  the  luncheon  at  his  rooms;  and  the  host  of  the 
Red  Lion,  at  Ensham,  was  ordered  to  prepare  one  of 
his  very  best  dinners,  for  the  winding  up  of  the  day's 
sport. 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.  471? 

"I  don't  mind  paying  for  it,"  said  Verdant  to  Mr. 
Bouncer,  "if  I  can  but  win  the  cup,  and  show  it  to 
Patty,  when  she  comes  to  us  at  Christmas." 

"Keep  your  pecker  up,  old  feller!  and  put  your 
trust  in  old  beans,"  was  Mr.  Bouncer's  reply. 


476  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 


CHAPTER  XII. 


MR.  VERDANT  GREEN  TAKES  HIS  DEGREE. 

DURING  the  fortnight 
that  intervened  be- 
tween Mr.  Bouncer's 
breakfast  party  and 
the  Grind,  Mr.  Ver- 
dant Green  got  him- 
self into  training  for 
his  first  appearance 
as  a  steeple-chase 
rider,  by  practising  a 
variety  of  equestrian 
feats  over  leaping- 
bars  and  gorse-stuck 
hurdles;  in  which  he  acquitted  himself  with  tolerable 
success,  and  came  off  with  fewer  bruises  than  might 
have  been  expected.  At  this  period  of  his  career,  too, 
he  strengthened  his  bodily  powers  by  practising  him- 
self in  those  varieties  of  the  "manly  exercises"  that 
found  most  favour  in  Oxford. 

The  adoption  of  some  portion  of  these  was  partly 
attributable  to  his  having  been  made  a  Mason;  for, 
whenever  he  attended  the  meetings  of  his  Lodge,  he 
had  to  pass  the  two  rooms  where  Mr.  MacLaren 
conducted  his  fencing-school  and  gymnasium.  The 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.  477 

fencing-room  — which  was  the  larger  of  the  two,  and 
was  of  the  same  dimensions  as  the  Lodge-room  above 
it  — was  usually  tenanted  by  the  proprietor  and  his 
assistant,  (who,  as  Mr.  Bouncer  phrased  it,  "put  the 
pupils  through  their  paces,")  and  re-echoed  to  the  sounds 


of  stampings,  and  the  cries  of  "  On  guard !  quick ! 
parry !  lunge ! "  with  the  various  other  terms  of 
Defence  and  Attack,  uttered  in  French  and  English. 
At  the  upper  end  of  the  room,  over  the  fire-place,  was 
a  stand  of  curious  arms,  flanked  on  either  side  by  files 
of  single-sticks.  The  centre  of  the  room  was  left 
clear  for  the  fencing;  while  the  lower  end  was  occupied 
by  the  parallel  bars,  a  regiment  of  Indian  clubs,  and  a 
mattress  apparatus  for  the  delectation  of  the  sect  of 
jumpers. 

Here  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  properly  equipped  for  the 


478   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

purpose,  was  accustomed  to  swing  his  clubs  after  the 
presumed  Indian  manner,  to  lift  himself  off  his  feet 
and  hang  suspended  between  the  parallel  bars,  to  leap 
the  string  on  to  the  mattress,  to  be  rapped  and  thumped 
with  single-sticks  and  boxing-gloves  by  any  one  else 
than  Mr.  Blades  (who  had  developed  his  muscles  in  a 
most  formidable  manner),  and  to  go  through  his  parades 
of  quarte  and  tierce  with  the  flannel-clothed  assistant. 
Occasionally  he  had  a  fencing  bout  with  the  good- 
humoured  Mr.  MacLaren,  who  —  professionally  pro- 
tected by  his  padded  leathern  plastron  —  politely  and 
obligingly  did  his  best  to  assure  him,  both  by  precept 
and  example,  of  the  truth  of  the  wise  old  saw,  "mens 
sana  in  corpore  sano. " 

The  lower  room  at  MacLaren 's  presented  a  very 
different  appearance  to  the  fencing-room.  The  wall 
to  the  right  hand,  as  well  as  a  part  of  the  wall  at  the 
upper  end,  was  hung  around  —  not 

"  With  pikes,  and  guns,  and  bows," 

like  the  fine  old  English  gentleman's, — but,  never- 
theless, 

"  With  swords,  and  good  old  cutlasses," 

and  foils,  and  fencing  masks,  and  fencing  gloves,  and 
boxing  gloves,  and  pads,  and  belts,  and  light  white 
shoes.  Opposite  to  the  door,  was  the  vaulting-horse, 
on  whose  wooden  back  the  gymnasiast  sprang  at  a 
bound,  and  over  which  the  tyro  (with  the  aid  of  the 
spring-board)  usually  pitched  himself  headlong.  Then, 
commencing  at  the  further  end,  was  a  series  of  poles 
and  ropes  —  the  turning  pole,  the  hanging  poles,  the 
rings,  and  the  traphe,  —  on  either  or  all  of  which  the 
pupil  could  exercise  himself;  and,  if  he  had  the  skill 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.  479 

so  to  do,  could  jerk  himself  from  one  to  the  other,  and 
finally  hang  himself  upon  the  sloping  ladder,  before 
the  momentum  of  his  spring  had  passed  away. 

Mr.   Bouncer,  who  could  do  most  things  with  his 
hands  and  feet,  was  a  very  distinguished  pupil  of  Mr. 


McLaren's;  for  the  little  gentleman  was  as  active  as  a 
monkey,  and  — to  quote  his  own  remarkably  figurative 
expression  —  was  "a  great  deal  livelier  than  '  the  Bug 
and  Butterfly."'1 

Mr.  Bouncer,  then,  would  go  through  the  full  series 
of  gymnastic  performances,  and  finally  pull  himself  up 

1  A  name  given  to  Mr.  Hope's  Entomological  Museum. 


480   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

the  rounds  of  the  ladder,  with  the  greatest  apparent 
ease,  much  to  the  envy  of  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  who, 
bathed  in  perspiration,  and  nearly  dislocating  every 
bone  in  his  body,  would  vainly  struggle  (in  attitudes 
like  to  those  of  "the  perspiring  frog  "  of  Count  Smorl- 
tork)  to  imitate  his  mercurial  friend,  and  would  finally 
drop  exhausted  on  the  padded  floor. 

And,  Mr.  Verdant  Green  did  not  confine  himself  to 
these  indoor  amusements;  but  studied  the  Oxford 
Book  of  Sports  in  various  out-of-door  ways.  Besides 
his  Grinds,  and  cricketing,  and  boating,  and  hunting, 
he  would  paddle  down  to  Wyatt's,  for  a  little  pistol 
practice,  or  to  indulge  in  the  exciting  amusement  of 
rifle-shooting  at  empty  bottles,  or  to  practise,  on  the 
leaping  and  swinging  poles,  the  lessons  he  was  learn- 
ing at  MacLaren's,  or  to  play  at  skittles  with  Mr. 
Bouncer  (who  was  very  expert  in  knocking  down  three 
out  of  the  four),  or  to  kick  football  until  he  became 
(to  use  Mr.  Bouncer's  expression)  "as  stiff  as  a 
biscuit." 

Or,  he  would  attend  the  shooting  parties  given  by 
William  Brown,  Esquire,  of  University  House ;  where 
blue-rocks  and  brown  rabbits  were  turned  out  of  traps 
for  the  sport  of  the  assembled  bipeds  and  quadrupeds. 
The  luckless  pigeons  and  rabbits  had  but  a  poor  chance 
for  their  lives;  for,  if  the  gentleman  who  paid  for  the 
privilege  of  the  shot  missed  his  rabbit  (which  was 
within  the  bounds  of  probability)  the  other  guns  were 
at  once  discharged,  and  the  dogs  of  Town  and  Gown 
let  slip.  And,  if  any  rabbit  was  nimble  and  fortunate 
enough  to  run  this  gauntlet  with  the  loss  of  only  a  tail 
or  ear,  and,  Galatea-like, 

"  f ugit  ad  salices," 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.  481 

and  rushed  into  the  willow-girt  ditches,  it  speedily  fell 
before   the   clubs  of  the  "cads,"  who  were  there  to 

watch,  and  profit  by  the 
sports  of  their  more  aris- 
tocratic neighbours.1 

Mr.  Verdant  Green 
would  also  study  the  news 
of  the  day,  in  the  floating 
reading-room  of  the.  Uni- 
versity Barge;  and,  from 
these  comfortable  quar- 
ters, indite  a  letter  to  Miss 

Patty,  and  look  out  upon  the  picturesque  river  with  its 
moving  life  of  eights  and  four-oars  sweeping  past 
with  measured  stroke.  A  great  feature  of  the  river 
picture,  just  about  this  time,  was  the  crowd  of  newly 
introduced  canoes;  their  occupants,  in  every  variety 
of  bright-coloured  shirts  and  caps,  flashing  up  and 
down  a  double  paddle,  the  ends  of  which  were  painted 
in  gay  colours,  or  emblazoned  with  the  owner's  crest. 
But  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  with  a  due  regard  for  his  own 
preservation  from  drowning,  was  content  with  looking 
at  these  cranky  canoes,  as  they  flitted,  like  gaudy 
dragon-flies,  over  the  surface  of  the  water. 

Fain  would  the  writer  of  these  pages  linger  over 
these  memoirs  of  Mr.  Verdant  Green.  Fain  would  he 
tell  how  his  hero  did  many  things  that  might  be 
thought  worthy  of  mention,  besides  those  which  have 
been  already  chronicled ;  but,  this  narrative  has  already 

1  "The  Vice-Chancellor,  by  the  direction  of  the  Hebdomadal 
Council,  has  issued  a  notice  against  the  practice  of  pigeon-shooting, 
&c.,  in  the  neighbourhood  of  the  University."  —  Oxford  Intelli- 
gence, Deer.,  1854. 


482 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 


reached  its  assigned  limits,  and,  even  a  historian  must 
submit  to  be  kept  within  reasonable  bounds. 

The  Dramatist  has  the  privilege  of  escaping  many 
difficulties,  and  passing  swiftly  over  confusing  details, 
by  the  simple  intimation,  that  "An  interval  of  twenty 
years  is  supposed  to  take  place  between  the  Acts." 
Suffice  it,  therefore,  for  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  histo- 
rian, to  avail  himself  of  this  dramatic  art,  and,  in  a 


very  few  sentences,  to  pass  over  the  varied  events  of 
two  years,  in  order  that  he  may  arrive  at  a  most  impor- 
tant passage  in  his  hero's  career. 

The  Grind  came  off  without  Mr.  Verdant  Green 
being  enabled  to  communicate  to  Miss  Patty  Honey- 
wood,  that  he  was  the  winner  of  a  silver  cup.  Indeed, 
he  did  not  arrive  at  the  winning  post  until  half-an-hour 
after  it  had  been  first  reached  by  Mr.  Four-in-hand 
Fosbrooke  on  his  horse  "  Tearaway ; "  for,  after  nar- 
rowly escaping  a  blow  from  the  hatchet  of  an  irate 
agriculturist  who  professed  great  displeasure  at  any 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF   MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.      483 

one  presuming  to  come  a  galloperin'  and  a  tromplin' 
over  his  fences,  Mr.  Verdant  Green  finally  "came  to 
grief,"  by  being  flung  into  a  disagreeably-moist  ditch. 
And  though,  for  that  evening,  he  forgot  his  troubles, 
in  the  jovial  dinner  that  took  place  at  "the  Red  Lion," 
yet,  the  next  morning,  they  were  immensely  aggra- 
vated, when  the  Tutor  told  them  that  he  had  heard  of 
the  steeple-chase,  and  should  expel  every  gentleman 
who  had  taken  part  in  it.  The  Tutor,  however,  relented, 
and  did  not  carry  out  his  threat;  though  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  suffered  almost  as  much  as  if  he  had  really 
kept  it. 

The  infatuated  Mr.  Bouncer  madly  persisted  (despite 
the  entreaties  and  remonstrances  of  his  friends)  in 
going  into  the  Schools  clad  in  his  examination  coat, 
and  padded  over  with  a  host  of  crams.  His  fate  was 
a  warning  that  similar  offenders  should  lay  to  heart, 
and  profit  by;  for  the  little  gentleman  was  again 
plucked.  Although  he  was  grieved  at  this  on  "the 
Mum's"  account,  his  mercurial  temperament  enabled 
him  to  thoroughly  enjoy  the  Christmas  vacation  at  the 
Manor  Green,  where  were  again  gathered  together  the 
same  party  who  had  met  there  the  previous  Christmas. 
The  cheerful  society  of  Miss  Fanny  Green  did  much, 
probably,  towards  restoring  Mr.  Bouncer  to  his  usual 
happy  frame  of  mind,  and,  after  Christmas,  he  gladly 
returned  to  his  beloved  Oxford,  leaving  Brazenface, 
and  migrating  ("through  circumstances  over  which  he 
had  no  control,"  as  he  said)  to  "the  Tavern."  But 
when  the  time  for  his  examination  drew  on,  the  little 
gentleman  was  seized  with  such  trepidation,  and 
"funked"  so  greatly,  that  he  came  to  the  resolution 
not  to  trouble  the  Examiners  again,  and  to  dispense 


484   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

with  the  honours  of  a  Degree.  And  so,  at  length, 
greatly  to  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  sorrow,  and  "regretted 
by  all  that  knew  him,"  Mr.  Bouncer  sounded  his  final 
octaves  and  went  the  complete  unicorn  for  the  last 
time  in  a  College  quad,  and  gave  his  last  Wine 
(wherein  he  produced  some  "very  old  port,  my  tea- 
cakes! —  I've  had  it  since  last  term!")  and  then,  as 
an  undergraduate,  bade  his  last  farewell  to  Oxford, 
with  the  parting  declaration,  that,  though  he  had  not 
taken  his  Degree,  yet  that  he  had  got  through  with 
great  credit,  for  that  he  had  left  behind  him  a  heap  of 
unpaid  bills. 

By  this  time,  or  shortly  after,  many  of  Mr.  Verdant 
Green's  earliest  friends  had  taken  their  Degrees,  and 
had  left  College;  and  their  places  were  occupied  by  a 
new  set  of  men,  among  whom  our  hero  found  many 
pleasant  companions,  whose  names  and  titles  need  not 
be  recorded  here. 

When  June  had  come,  there  was  a  "grand  Com- 
memoration," and  this  was  quite  a  sufficient  reason 
that  the  Miss  Honeywoods  should  take  their  first  peep 
at  Oxford,  at  so  favourable  an  opportunity.  Accord- 
ingly there  they  came,  together  with  the  Squire,  and 
were  met  by  a  portion  of  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  family, 
and  by  Mr.  Bouncer;  and  there  were  they  duly  taken 
to  all  the  lions,  and  initiated  into  some  of  the  mys- 
teries of  College  life.  Miss  Patty  was  enchanted  with 
every  thing  that  she  saw  —  even  carrying  her  admira- 
tion to  Verdant's  undergraduate's  gown  —  and  was 
proudly  escorted  from  College  to  College  by  her 
enamoured  swain. 

"  Pleasant  it  was,  when  woods  were  green, 
And  winds  were  soft  and  low," 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   485 

when  in  a  House-boat,  and  in  four-oars,  they  made  an 
expedition  ("a  wine  and  water  party,"  as  Mr.  Bouncer 
called  it)  to  Nuneham  and,  after  safely  passing  through 
the  perils  of  the  pound-locks  of  Iffley  and  Sandford, 
arrived  at  the  pretty  thatched  cottage,  and  pic-nic'd 
in  the  round-house,  and  strolled  through  the  nut  plan- 
tations up  to  Carfax  hill,  to  see  the  glorious  view  of 
Oxford,  and  looked  at  the  Conduit,  and  Bab's-tree, 


and  paced  over  the  little  rustic  bridge  to  the  island, 
where  Verdant  and  Patty  talked  as  lovers  love  to  talk. 

Then  did  Mr.  Verdant  Green  accompany  his  lady- 
love to  Northumberland;  from  whence,  after  spending 
a  pleasant  month  that,  all  too  quickly,  came  to  an  end, 
he  departed  (vid  Warwickshire)  for  a  continental  tour, 
which  he  took  in  the  company  of  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Charles 
Larkyns  (nte  Mary  Green),  who  were  there  for  the 
honeymoon. 

Then  he  returned  to  Oxford ;  and  when  the  month 
of  May  had  again  come  round,  he  went  in  for  his 


486  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

Degree  examination.  He  passed  with  flying  colours, 
and  was  duly  presented  with  that  much-prized  shabby 
piece  of  paper,  on  which  was  printed  and  written  the 
following  brief  form:  — 

GREEN  VERDANT  &  Coll.  /En.  Fac. 
Die  28°  Mensis  Mail  Anni  185 — 

Examinatus,  prout  Statuta  requirunt,  satisfecit  nobis 
Examinatoribus. 

f  J.  SMITH.  \ 

j  GUL.  BROWN.  (  Examinatores  in 

Ita  testamur      <  JAC>  L   JONES,  f  Literis  Humanio 

\  R.  ROBINSON.  J  ribus. 

Owing  to  Mr.  Verdant  Green  having  entered  upon 
residence  at  the  time  of  his  matriculation,  he  was 
obliged,  for  the  present,  to  defer  the  putting  on  of  his 
gown,  and,  consequently,  of  arriving  at  the/?/// dignity 
of  a  Bachelor  of  Arts.  Nevertheless,  he  had  taken  his 
Degree  de facto,  if  not  de  jure  ;  and  he,  therefore  —  for 
reasons  which  will  appear  —  gave  the  usual  Degree 
dinner,  on  the  day  of  his  taking  his  Testamur. 

He  also  cleared  his  rooms,  giving  some  of  his  things 
away,  sending  others  to  Richards's  sale-rooms,  and 
resigning  his  china  and  glass  to  the  inexorable  Mr. 
Robert  Filcher,  who  would  forthwith  dispose  of  these 
gifts  (much  over  their  cost  price)  to  the  next  Freshman 
who  came  under  his  care. 

Moreover,  as  the  adorning  of  College  chimney- 
pieces  with  the  photographic  portraits  of  all  the 
owner's  College  friends,  had  just  then  come  into 
fashion,  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  beaming  countenance 
and  spectacles  were  daguerreotyped  in  every  variety 
of  Ethiopian  distortion;  and,  being  enclosed  in  minia- 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   487 

ture  frames,  were  distributed  as  souvenirs  among  his 
admiring  friends. 

Then,  Mr.  Verdant  Green  went  down  to  Warwick- 
shire; and,  within  three  months,  travelled  up  to 
Northumberland  on  a  special  mission. 


488   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 


CHAPTER   THE   LAST. 


MR.     VERDANT    GREEN    IS    MARRIED    AND    DONE    FOR. 


LASTHOPE'S  ruined 
Church,  since 
it  had  become 
a  ruin  —  which 
was  many  a 
long  year  ago 
—  had  never 
held  within  its 
mouldering 
walls  so  nume- 
rous a  congre- 
gation as  was 
assembled 
therein  on  one 

particular  September  morning,  somewhere  about  the 
middle  of  the  present  century.  It  must  be  confessed 
that  this  unusual  assemblage  had  not  been  drawn  to- 
gether to  see  and  hear  the  officiating  Clergyman  (who 
had  never,  at  any  time,  been  a  special  attraction), 
although  that  ecclesiastical  Ruin  was  present,  and 
looked  almost  picturesque  in  the  unwonted  glories  of 
a  clean  surplice  and  white  kid  gloves.  But,  this  deco- 
rative appearance  of  the  Ruin,  coupled  with  the  fact 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.  489 

that  it  was  made  on  a  week  day,  was  a  sufficient  proof 
that  no  ordinary  circumstance  had  brought  about  this 
goodly  assemblage. 

At  length,  after  much  expectant  waiting,  those  on 
the  outside  of  the  Church  discerned  the  figure  of  small 
Jock  Muir  mounted  on  his  highly-trained  donkey,  and 
galloping  along  at  a  tearing  pace  from  the  direction  of 
Honeywood  Hall.  It  soon  became  evident  that  he 
was  the  advance  guard  of  two  carriages  that  were  being 
rapidly  whirled  along  the  rough  road  that  led  by  the 
rocky  banks  of  the  Swirl.  Before  small  Jock  drew 
rein,  he  had  struggled  to  relieve  his  own  excitement, 
and  that  of  the  crowd,  by  pointing  to  the  carriages 
and  shouting,  "Yon's  the  greums,  wi'  the  t'other 
priest !  "  the  correctness  of  which  assertion  was  speed- 
ily manifested  by  the  arrival  of  the  "grooms"  in 
question,  who  were  none  other  than  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  and  Mr.  Frederick  Delaval,  accompanied  by 
the  Rev.  Mr.  Larkyns  (who  was  to  "  assist "  at  the 
ceremony)  and  their  "best  men,"  who  were  Mr. 
Bouncer  and  a  cousin  of  Frederick  Delaval's.  Which 
quintet  of  gentlemen  at  once  went  into  the  Church, 
and  commenced  a  whispered  conversation  with  the 
ecclesiastical  Ruin.  These  circumstances,  taken  in 
conjunction  with  the  gorgeous  attire  of  the  gentlemen, 
their  white  gloves,  their  waistcoats  "equal  to  any 
emergency "  (as  Mr.  Bouncer  had  observed),  and  the 
bows  of  white  satin  ribbon  that  gave  a  festive  appear- 
ance to  themselves,  their  carriage-horses,  and  postilions 
—  sufficiently  proclaimed  the  fact  that  a  wedding  — 
and  that,  too,  a  double  one  —  was  at  hand. 

The  assembled  crowd  had  now  sufficient  to  engage 
their  attention,  by  the  approach  of  a  very  special  train 


490  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

of  carriages,  that  was  brought  to  a  grand  termination 
by  two  travelling-carriages,  respectively  drawn  by  four 
greys,  which  were  decorated  with  flowers  and  white 
ribbons,  and  were  bestridden  by  gay  postilions  in 
gold-tasseled  caps  and  scarlet  jackets.  No  wonder 
that  so  unusual  a  procession  should  have  attracted 
such  an  assemblage;  no  wonder  that  old  Andrew 
Graham  (who  was  there  with  his  well-favoured  daugh- 
ters) should  pronounce  it  "a  brae  sight  for  weak  een." 

As  the  clatter  of  the  carriages  announced  their  near 
approach  to  Lasthope  Church,  Mr.  Verdant  Green  — 
who  had  been  in  the  highest  state  of  excitement,  and 
had  distractedly  occupied  himself  in  looking  at  his 
watch  to  see  if  it  was  twelve  o'clock;  in  arranging 
his  Oxford-blue  tie;  in  futilely  endeavouring  to  button 
his  gloves;  in  getting  ready,  for  the  fiftieth  time,  the 
gratuity  that  should  make  the  Ruin's  heart  to  leap  for 
joy;  in  longing  for  brandy  and  water;  and  in  attending 
to  the  highly-out-of-place  advice  of  Mr.  Bouncer,  rela 
tive  to  the  sustaining  of  his  "pecker"  —  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  was  thereupon  seized  with  the  fearful  apprehen- 
sion that  he  had  lost  the  ring;  and,  after  an  agonising 
and  trembling  search  in  all  his  pockets,  was  only 
relieved  by  finding  it  in  his  glove  (where  he  had  put 
it  for  safety)  just  as  the  double  bridal  procession 
entered  the  church. 

Of  the  proceedings  of  the  next  hour  or  two,  Mr. 
Verdant  Green  never  had  a  clear  perception.  He  had 
a  dreamy  idea  of  seeing  a  bevy  of  ladies  and  gentle- 
men pouring  into  the  church,  in  a  mingled  stream  of 
bright-coloured  silks  and  satins,  and  dark-coloured 
broadcloths,  and  lace,  and  ribbons,  and  mantles,  and 
opera  cloaks,  and  bouquets;  and,  that  this  bright 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   491 

stream,  followed  by  a  rush  of  dark  shepherd's-plaid 
waves,  surged  up  the  aisle,  and,  dividing  confusedly, 
shot  out  from  their  centre  a  blue  coat  and  brass  but- 
tons (in  which,  by  the  way,  was  Mr.  Honeywood),  on 
the  arms  of  which  were  hanging  two  white-robed 
figures,  partially  shrouded  with  Honiton-lace  veils, 
and  crowned  with  orange  blossoms. 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  has  a  dim  remembrance  of  the 
party  being  marshalled  to  their  places  by  a  confused 
clerk,  who  assigned  the  wrong  brides  to  the  wrong 
bridegrooms,  and  appeared  excessively  anxious  that 
his  mistake  should  not  be  corrected.  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  also  had  an  idea  that  he  himself  was  in  that 
state  of  mind  in  which  he  would  passively  have  allowed 
himself  to  be  united  to  Miss  Kitty  Honeywood,  or  to 
Miss  Letitia  Jane  Morkin  (who  was  one  of  Miss 
Patty's  bridesmaids),  or  to  Mrs.  Hannah  More,  or  to 
the  Hottentot  Venus,  or  to  any  one  in  the  female 
shape  who  might  have  thought  proper  to  take  his 
bride's  place.  Mr.  Verdant  Green  also  had  a  general 
recollection  of  making  responses,  and  feeling  much  as 
he  did  when  in  for  his  vivA  voce  examination  at  college ; 
and  of  experiencing  a  difficulty  when  called  upon  to 
place  the  ring  on  one  of  the  fingers  of  the  white  hand 
held  forth  to  him,  and  of  his  probable  selection  of  the 
thumb  for  the  ring's  resting  place,  had  not  the  bride 
considerately  poked  out  the  proper  finger,  and  assisted 
him  to  place  the  golden  circlet  in  its  assigned  posi- 
tion. Mr.  Verdant  Green  had  also  a  misty  idea  that 
the  service  terminated  with  kisses,  tears,  and  con- 
gratulations; and,  that  there  was  a  great  deal  of  writing 
and  signing  of  names  in  two  documentary-looking 
books;  and  that  he  had  mingled  feelings  that  it  was 


492   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

all  over,  that  he  was  made  very  happy,  and  that  he 
wished  he  could  forthwith  project  himself  into  the 
middle  of  the  next  week. 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  had  also  a  dozy  idea  that  he  was 
guided  into  a  carriage  by  a  hand  that  lay  lovingly  upon 
his  arm ;  and,  that  he  shook  a  variety  of  less  delicate 
hands  that  there  were  thrust  out  to  him  in  hearty 
northern  fashion ;  and,  that  the  two  cracked  old  bells 
of  Lasthope  Church  made  a  lunatic;  attempt  to  ring  a 
wedding  peal,  and  only  succeeded  in  producing  music 
like  to  that  which  attends  the  hiving  of  bees;  and, 
that  he  jumped  into  the  carriage,  amid  a  burst  of 
cheering  and  God-blessings;  and,  that  he  heard  the 
carriage-steps  and  door  shut  to  with  a  clang ;  and  that 
he  felt  a  sensation  of  being  whirled  on  by  moving 
figures,  and  sliding  scenery;  and,  that  he  found  the 
carriage  tenanted  by  one  other  person,  and  that  per- 
son, his  WIFE. 

"My  darling  wife!  My  dearest  wife!  My  own 
wife !  "  It  was  all  that  his  heart  could  find  to  say.  It 
was  sufficient,  for  the  present,  to  ring  the  tuneful 
changes  on  that  novel  word,  and  to  clasp  the  little 
hand  that  trembled  under  its  load  of  happiness,  and  to 
press  that  little  magic  circle,  out  of  which  the  necrom- 
ancy of  Marriage  should  conjure  such  wonders  and 
delights. 

The  wedding  breakfast  —  which  was  attended,  among 
others,  by  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Poletiss  (#/<?  Morkins),  and 
by  Charles  Larkyns  and  his  wife,  who  was  now 

"  The  mother  of  the  sweetest  little  maid 
That  ever  crow'd  for  kisses,"  - 

the  wedding  breakfast,  notwithstanding  that  it  was 
such  a  substantial  reality,  appeared  to  Mr.  Verdant 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   493 

Green's  bewildered  mind  to  resemble  somewhat  the 
pageant  of  a  dream.  There  was  the  usual  spasmodic 
gaiety  of  conversation  that  is  inherent  to  bridal  ban- 
quets, and  toasts  were  proclaimed  and  honoured,  and 
speeches  were  made  —  indeed,  he  himself  made  one,  of 
which  he  could  not  recall  a  word.  Sufficient  let  it  be 
for  our  present  purpose,  therefore,  to  briefly  record 
the  speech  of  Mr.  Bouncer,  who  was  deputed  to  return 
thanks  for  the  duplicate  bodies  of  bridesmaids. 

Mr.  Bouncer  (who  with  some  difficulty  checked  his 
propensity  to  indulge  in  Oriental  figurativeness  of 
expression)  was  understood  to  observe,  that  on  interest- 
ing occasions  like  the  present,  it  was  the  custom  for 
the  youngest  groomsman  to  return  thanks  on  behalf  of 
the  bridesmaids ;  and  that  he,  not  being  the  youngest, 
had  considered  himself  safe  from  this  onerous  duty. 
For  though  the  task  was  a  pleasing  one,  yet  it  was  one 
of  fearful  responsibility.  It  was  usually  regarded  as 
a  sufficiently  difficult  and  hazardous  experiment,  when 
one  single  gentleman  attempted  to  express  the  senti- 
ments of  one  single  lady;  but  when,  as  in  the  present 
case,  there  were  ten  single  ladies,  whose  unknown 
opinions  had  to  be  conveyed  through  the  medium  of 
one  single  gentleman,  then  the  experiment  became 
one  from  which  the  boldest  heart  might  well  shrink. 
He  confessed  that  he  experienced  these  emotions  of 
timidity  on  the  present  occasion.  (Cries  of  "Oh!"} 
He  felt,  that  to  adequately  discharge  the  duties 
entrusted  would  require  the  might  of  an  engine  of  ten- 
bridesmaid  power.  He  would  say  more,  but  his 
feelings  overcame  him.  (Renewed  cries  of  "  Oh  !  "  ) 
Under  these  circumstances  he  thought  that  he  had 
better  take  his  leave  of  the  subject,  convinced  that  the 


494  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

reply  to  the  toast  would  be  most  eloquently  conveyed 
by  the  speaking  eyes  of  the  ten  blooming  bridesmaids. 
(Mr.  Bouncer  resumes  his  seat  amid  great  approbation.} 

Then  the  brides  disappeared,  and  after  a  time  made 
their  re-appearance  in  travelling  dresses.  Then  there 
were  tears  and  "doubtful  joys,"  and  blessings,  and 
farewells,  and  the  departure  of  the  two  carriages-and- 
four  (under  a  brisk  fire  of  old  shoes)  to  the  nearest 
railway  station,  from  whence  the  happy  couples  set 
out,  the  one  for  Paris,  the  other  for  the  Cumberland 
Lakes;  and  it  was  amid  those  romantic  lakes,  with 
their  mountains  and  waterfalls,  that  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  sipped  the  sweets  of  the  honeymoon,  and 
realised  the  stupendous  fact  that  he  was  a  married 
man. 

The  honeymoon  had  barely  passed,  and  November 
had  come,  when  Mr.  Verdant  Green  was  again  to  be 
seen  in  Oxford  —  a  bachelor  only  in  the  University 
sense  of  the  term,  for  his  wife  was  with  him,  and  they 
had  rooms  in  the  High  Street.  Mr.  Bouncer  was  also 
there,  and  had  prevailed  upon  Verdant  to  invite  his 
sister  Fanny  to  join  them  and  be  properly  chaperoned 
by  Mrs.  Verdant.  For,  that  wedding-day  in  Northum- 
berland had  put  an  effectual  stop  to  the  little  gentle- 
man's determination  to  refrain  from  the  wedded  state, 
and  he  could  now  say  with  Benedick,  "When  I  said  I 
would  die  a  bachelor,  I  did  not  think  I  should  live  till 
I  were  married."  But  Miss  Fanny  Green  had  looked 
so  particularly  charming  in  her  bridesmaid's  dress, 
that  little  Mr.  Bouncer  was  inspired  with  the  notable 
idea,  that  he  should  like  to  see  her  playing  first  fiddle, 
and  attired  in  the  still  more  interesting  costume  of  a 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.  495 

bride.  On  communicating  this  inspiration  (couched, 
it  must  be  confessed,  in  rather  extraordinary  language) 
to  Miss  Fanny,  he  found  that  the  young  lady  was  far 
from  averse  to  assisting  him  to  carry  out  his  idea; 
and  in  further  conversation  with  her,  it  was  settled 
that  she  should  follow  the  example  of  her  sister  Helen 
(who  was  "engaged"  to  the  Rev.  Josiah  Meek,  now 
the  rector  of  a  Worcestershire  parish),  and  consider 
herself  as  "engaged"  to  Mr.  Bouncer.  Which  face- 
tious idea  of  the  little  gentleman's  was  rendered  the 
more  amusing  from  its  being  accepted  and  agreed  to 
by  the  young  lady's  parents  and  "the  Mum."  So 
here  was  Mr.  Bouncer  again  in  Oxford,  an  "engaged" 
man,  in  company  with  the  object  of  his  affections, 
both  being  prepared  as  soon  as  possible  to  follow  the 
example  of  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Verdant  Green. 

Before  Verdant  could  "put  on  his  gown,"  certain 
preliminaries  had  to  be  observed.  First,  he  had  to 
call,  as  a  matter  of  courtesy,  on  the  head  of  his  Col- 
lege, to  whom  he  had  to  show  his  Testamur,  and 
whose  formal  permission  he  requested  that  he  might 
put  on  his  gown. 

"Oh  yes!"  replied  Dr.  Portman,  in  his  monosylla- 
bic tones,  as  though  he  were  reading  aloud  from  a 
child's  primer;  "oh  yes,  cer-tain-ly!  I  was  de-light- 
ed to  know  that  you  had  pass-ed,  and  that  you  have 
been  such  a  cred-it  to  your  col-lege.  You  will  o-blige 
me,  if  you  please,  by  pre-sent-ing  your-self  to  the  Dean 
of  Arts."  And  then  Dr.  Portman  shook  hands  with 
Verdant,  wished  him  good-morning,  and  resumed  his 
favourite  study  of  the  Greek  particles. 

Then,  at  an  appointed  hour  in  the  evening,  Verdant, 
in  company  with  other  men  of  his  college,  went  to  the 
32 


496  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

Dean  of  Arts,  who  heard  them  read  through  the  Thirty- 
nine  Articles,  and  dismissed  them  with  this  parting 
intimation  —  "Now,  gentlemen!  I  shall  expect  to  see 
you  at  the  Divinity  School  in  the  morning  at  ten 
o'clock.  You  must  come  with  your  bands  and  gown, 
and  fees;  and  be  sure,  gentlemen,  that  you  do  not 
forget  the  fees !  " 

So  in  the  morning  Verdant  takes  Patty  to  the 
Schools,  and  commits  her  to  the  charge  of  Mr.  Bouncer, 
who  conducts  her  and  Miss  Fanny  to  one  of  the  raised 
seats  in  the  Convocation  House,  from  whence  they  will 
have  a  good  view  of  the  conferring  of  Degrees.  Mr. 
Verdant  Green  finds  the  precincts  of  the  Schools  ten- 
anted by  droves  of  college  Butlers,  Porters,  and  Scouts, 
hanging  about  for  the  usual  fees  and  old  gowns,  and 
carrying  blue  bags,  in  which  are  the  new  gowns.  Then 
—  having  seen  that  Mr.  Robert  Filcher  is  in  attend- 
ance with  his  own  particular  gown  —  he  struggles 
through  the  Pig-market,1  thronged  with  bustling 
Bedels  and  University  Marshals,  and  other  officials. 
Then,  as  opportunity  offers,  he  presents  himself  to  the 
senior  Squire  Bedel  in  Arts,  George  Valentine  Cox, 
Esq.,  who  sits  behind  a  table,  and,  in  his  polite  and 
scholarly  manner,  puts  the  usual  questions  to  him,  and 
permits  him,  on  the  due  payment  of  all  the  fees,  to 
write  his  name  in  a  large  book,  and  to  place  "Fil. 
Gen."2  after  his  autograph.  Then  he  has  to  wait 
some  time  until  the  superior  Degrees  are  conferred, 
and  the  Doctors  and  Masters  have  taken  their  seats, 

1  The   derivation  of  this   word  has  already  been  given.     See 
Part  I.  p.  62. 

2  /.  <?.,  Filius  Generosi  —  the  son  of  a  gentleman  of  independent 
means. 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.   49; 

and  the  Proctors  have  made  their  apparently  insane 
promenade.1 

Then  the  Deans  come  into  the  ante-chamber  to  see 
if  the  men  of  their  respective  Colleges  are  duly  pres- 
ent, properly  dressed,  and  have  faithfully  paid  the 


fees.  Then,  when  the  Deans,  having  satisfactorily 
ascertained  these  facts,  have  gone  back  again  into  the 
Convocation  House,  the  Yeoman  Bedel  rushes  forth 
with  his  silver  "poker,"  and  summons  all  the  Bache- 
lors, in  a  very  precipitate  and  far  from  impressive 
manner,  with  "Now,  then,  gentlemen!  please  all  of 

1  See  note,  Part  I.  p.  168. 


498   THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

you  to  come  in!  you're  wanted!"  Then  the  Bachelors 
enter  the  Convocation  House  in  a  troop,  and  stand 
in  the  area,  in  front  of  the  Vice-Chancellor  and  the 
two  Proctors.  Then  are  these  young  men  duly  quizzed 
by  the  strangers  present,  especially  by  the  young 
ladies,  who,  besides  noticing  their  own  friends,  amuse 
themselves  by  picking  out  such  as  they  suppose  to 
have  been  reading  men,  fast  men,  or  slow  men  — 
taking  the  face  as  the  index  of  the  mind.  We  may  be 
sure  that  there  is  a  young  married  lady  present  who 
does  not  indulge  in  futile  speculations  of  this  sort,  but 
fixes  her  whole  attention  on  the  figure  of  Mr.  Verdant 
Green. 

Then  the  Bedel  comes  with  a  pile  of  Testaments, 
and  gives  one  to  each  man;  Dr.  Bliss,  the  Registrar 
of  the  University,  administers  to  them  the  oath,  and 
they  kiss  the  book.  Then  the  Deans  present  them  to 
the  Vice-Chancellor  in  a  short  Latin  form;  and  then 
the  Vice-Chancellor,  standing  up  uncovered,  with  the 
Proctors  standing  on  either  side,  addresses  them  in 
these  words:  "Domini,  ego  admitto  vos  ad  lectionem 
cujuslibet  libri  Logices  Aristotelis;  et  insuper  earum 
Artium,  quas  et  quatenus  per  Statuta  audivisse  tene- 
mini;  insuper  autoritate  mea  et  totius  universitatis, 
do  vobis  potestatem  intrandi  scholas,  legendi,  dis- 
putandi,  et  reliqua  omnia  faciendi,  quae  ad  gradum 
Baccalaurei  in  Artibus  spectant." 

When  the  Vice-Chancellor  has  spoken  these  remark- 
able words  which,  after  three  years  of  university 
reading  and  expense,  grant  so  much  that  has  not 
been  asked  or  wished  for,  the  newly-made  Bachelors 
rush  out  of  the  Convocation  House  in  wild  confusion, 
and  stand  on  one  side  to  allow  the  Vice-Chancellarian 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.  499 

procession  to  pass.  Then,  on  emerging  from  the  Pig- 
market,  they  hear  St.  Mary's  bells,  which  sound  to 
them  sweeter  than  ever. 

Mrs.  Verdant  Green  is  especially  delighted  with 
her  husband's  voluminous  bachelor's  gown  and  white- 
furred  hood  (articles  which  Mr.  Robert  Filcher,  when 
helping  to  put  them  on  his  master  in  the  ante-cham- 


ber,  had  declared  to  be  "the  most  becomingest  things 
as  was  ever  wore  on  a  gentleman's  shoulders"),  and 
forthwith  carries  him  off  to  be  photographed  while  the 
gloss  of  his  new  glory  is  yet  upon  him.  Of  course, 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  and  all  the  new  bachelors  are  most 
profusely  "capped;"  and,  of  course,  all  this  servile 
homage  —  although  appreciated  at  its  full  worth,  and 
repaid  by  shillings  and  quarts  of  buttery  beer  — of 
course  it  is  most  grateful  to  the  feelings,  and  is  as 


5<X>     THE   ADVENTURES   OF   MR.   VERDANT   GREEN. 

delightfully  intoxicating  to  the  imagination  as  any 
incense  of  flattery  can  be. 

What  a  pride  does  Mr.  Verdant  Green  feel  as  he  takes 
his  bride  through  the  streets  of  his  beautiful  Oxford ! 
how  complacently  he  conducts  her  to  lunch  at  the 
confectioner's  who  had  supplied  their  wedding-cake! 
how  he  escorts  her  (under  the  pretence  of  making  pur- 
chases) to  every  shop  at  which  he  has  dealt,  that  he 
may  gratify  his  innocent  vanity  in  showing  off  his 
charming  bride !  how  boldly  he  catches  at  the  merest 
college  acquaintance,  solely  that  he  may  have  the 
proud  pleasure  of  introducing  "  My  wife !  " 

But  what  said  Mrs.  Tester,  the.  bed-maker ?  "Law 
bless  you,  sir!"  said  that  estimable  lady,  dabbing  her 
curtseys  where  there  were  stops,  like  the  beats  of  a 
conductor's  baton  —  "Law  bless  you,  sir!  I've  bin  a 
wife  meself,  sir.  And  I  knows  your  feelings." 

And  what  said  Mr.  Robert  Filcher?  "Mr.  Verdant 
Green,"  said  he,  "  I  'm  sorry  as  how  you  've  done  with 
Oxford,  sir,  and  that  we're  agoing  to  lose  you.  And 
this  I  will  say,  sir!  if  ever  there  was  a  gentleman  I 
were  sorry  to  part  with,  it 's  you,  sir.  But  I  hopes, 
sir,  that  you  've  got  a  wife  as  '11  be  a  good  wife  to  you, 
sir;  and  make  you  ten  times  happier  than  you  've  been 
in  Oxford,  sir !  " 

And  so  say  we. 


THE  END. 


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